“You can’t go back and change it… whatever mistakes or hurt has happened… we need to release those memories and move forward… ,” our special guest speaker pointed out. The topic was on forgiveness.
My initial reaction was a bit apathetic. It sounded good, but how does that actually happen? What does forgiveness look like and how long does it take?
As I went through my mental checklist of people who have hurt me, I felt I had already done the work of forgiveness.
Then, the speaker talked about recordings we like to unwind. How we replay the offenses that were committed against us. As if activated by remote control, I unexpectedly felt a wave of painful memories flood me. The hurt still stung, as if it happened to me yesterday.
I think God is calling me to go deeper in my forgiveness, so that it’s not just an act of the will, but a release of the heart.
I realize I still have some worn out, replayed tape recordings in the media cabinet of my heart labeled, “hurts”.
Forgetting What Is Behind
It has been twelve years since I stepped onto US soil again, after a stint from the mission field in Hong Kong. What happened during the time I served as a youth worker in Asia and my return back has been tightly held secret. A private pain that blew up my confidence in the church, people and myself.
Since returning, I tried to erase the memory of the past, by creating new ones. Some words from Paul, the apostle, echo my desire:
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~ Phillipians 3:13-14
Getting out of the past by doing something new was a good for me. I placed my hope in the passage of time, to dull the hurt and callous the scars. Like Moses fleeing away from the disappointment of what-might-have-been, I ran into the the comfort and anonymity of a personal desert. I submerged myself into a corner of silence and solitude, clinging to God and no one else.
I attended a new church, a community of believers who were gracious, caring and respecting of privacy. I was pierced by community. I needed to be healed by it once more. Somehow, Lord, heal, and lead me back.
Finding Fellowship and Faith
It took a lot of time, aloneness, and everyday small conversations, but the group of believers there loved me back to health. In spite of my brokenness, my love for God and seeing people feel valued, survived and grew stronger than ever before. God is bigger than my losses and disappointments, but the journey required that I hit bottom first.
Looking back, my heart being blown to bits and my confidence in people shattering beyond repair was a good thing. Not because hurt and betrayal were a part of God’s will.
I learned through suffering that God values me more than my service. Faith no longer was a means to serve, but became the loving heartbeat of a God, calling me back to be the Beloved.
Release of the Heart
I have forgiven as an act of faith in the past, by moving forward with my life. It’s been over a decade, with much joy and thanksgiving. I think God is now telling me that I am ready to forgive in my heart, by releasing those sad memories and rewriting them in a new way.
I need to get rid of those old tapes and do away with rewinding the wounding, even if they are a part of my story.
Yes, I know I can’t go back and change the past. But, the fact is that I have been changed by the bad that has happened.
How can I rewrite those memories and see the goodness out of the brokenness?
Am I willing to let go of wrongdoings and exchange them for forgiveness?
I am, because I know God has something better for me than my old dreams of tomorrow.
“He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.” ~ Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
What are your experiences with forgiveness?
During this season of hope and peace, let us rest in the forgiveness God sent to us: rewriting our lives with Emmanuel, God with us.
28 Comments
You ask of my experience?
I’ve said in the last year that the Lord has given me a divine capacity for forgiveness. That I don’t hold a grudge. It has held true through some horrific incidents.
Perhaps my words tempted the enemy. Perhaps they were the Lord’s opportunity for refinement. In the last four months my capacity for forgiveness was severely tested. For the first time in my life that I can recall, I was angry with God, if only for a fleeting moment.
Yet I choose to forgive. I refuse to be a prisoner of hatred or bitterness. I will continue to release to the Lord’s hand all that does not belong in mine. I will rely on the Lord for the strength to do so.
I will remember how much I have been forgiven, and release to another a fraction of the grace I’ve received.
Anne, this was such a tender sharing. Thank you for showing us your wounds. Anger is not sinning, so I am encouraged to know you can express that emotion to God. Your words are true and beautiful. I think of Job 13:15 — “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.”
You write of something with which we all struggle mightily. I think forgiveness begins with forgiving oneself.
That is even harder, I feel. Forgiveness has so many layers. We are all on the same journey of struggles, returning time and again. God apparently wants more for us.
“I placed my hope in the passage of time, to dull the hurt and callous the scars. Like Moses fleeing away from the disappointment of what-might-have-been, I ran into the comfort and anonymity of a personal desert ”
Hi Bonnie, very well written. I’ve been there, too often.
“I need to get rid of those old tapes and do away with rewinding the wounding…”
I find healing in a picture a scripture and a prayer.
I picture Jesus hanging on the cross while I quote a memory verse learned as a child; “I am crucified with Christ nevertheless I live, yet not I but Christ lives in me; And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the One who loves me and gave Himself for me.” (Galations 2:20)
As I’m seeing Christ on the cross in my minds eye, I put myself there and pray that He would let me see them (the person I need to forgive) through His eyes. Without fail I see the person with eyes of love. Forgiving love. His pain washes away mine. His forgiveness goes the distance, mine falls short.
I can do all things through Christ…in myself I can do nothing.
Thanks my friend, and Merry Christmas.
I will try that in my quiet time & picture Jesus there, meditating on the quote & ask that I can see what you’ve shared. This is deep, heart stuff that you are sharing, that encourages.
The best stories, Bonnie, are always the ones that hurt to tell. And you’ve told one here, and in the telling you’ve encouraged the rest of us. Thank you.
That means a lot to me. Thanks for letting me know.
It’s been my experience that when pain is gone in a particular memory, true forgiveness has taken place. It seems very layered at times.
That is a great picture of forgiveness, Susan. I think it helps to visualize that & not feel stressed about the layers, but to embrace the unlayering.
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You’re so right. When Paul talked about forgetting what lies behind, he was talking about everything he could boast about–his good works and spiritual pedigree. Simply trying to forget what someone did will not bring healing, but He will when we choose to forgive and it’s more often than not a process we walk through.
Thank you for the confirmation as well because the two weeks before this last Sunday, I felt strongly that I was to speak about forgiveness. It’s something that we all need and have to understand. Not only that, but reminders are always needed.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Jason, you absolutely will be touching a nerve — even to unsuspecting listeners like me. Just when we think we’ve got a handle on it, God shows us He wants to free us further and deeper. I would love to pray for a blessing for your preaching that Sunday. Lemme know.
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What’s amazing is that you are able to minister out of your brokenness to those who are also hurting. I don’t want to figure out how all of this works, but there is a sense in which the wounded become strong in the hands of God as they face up to what has happened, accept his healing, and then pass it to others. Thanks for sharing. What a great post.
You how on target you are with these words. A wonderful addition to the post. We are all longing to hear and believe our wounds can be of worth. Thanks, Ed.
Your words …. a divine appointment this morning.
God is good! Amazing.
I find some of the most awesome Christians are ones like yourself that don’t pretend or sugar-coat their journey and candidly show others how they found forgiveness amidst our trials. I especially loved your sentence, “God is bigger than my losses and disappointments, but the journey required that I hit bottom first.” Thank you for sharing Bonnie!
Oh, yeah! I look back, and the greatest moments of encouragement have been found in the darkest of hours. Faith works in the wounding, but for some reason, us Christians are afraid to show the true experiences of waiting. Jesus showed us that He too was wounded and alone — and shows us there is no shame. Only love and faithfulness.
Bonnie… you always speak directly to my heart!
These words…
“I think God is calling me to go deeper in my forgiveness, so that it’s not just an act of the will, but a release of the heart.”
they are awesome… yet so terribly difficult to put into action. Thanks for this heartfelt post… I needed it!
It is totally difficult. But, God knows the right timing for the process of forgiveness. He is so patient with us & never gives up onus.
I’ve gone through many hard times which required forgiveness. This one was one of my hardest:
My hubby knew we were low in our finances. We had a credit card which was close to the limit. Yet, out of the blue, he chose to purchase 3 guns and put them on the card maxing it out. He came home with them, full of excitment, expecting me to catch his joy. Two of the weapons were for him and one was for me. Surely, he thought, I would be pleased. FatherGod grabbed me right away and held on tight, telling me not to say anything right then. I left for church and in the car, fumed all the way. How could You let him do this? You know even more than he where we stand financially. What were You thinking? What am I to do? Upon arrival at the church, I spoke to the one who was giving the message that night asking him what I should do. He was quiet for a moment and then told me FatherGod would have something for me during the service. Boy, did He! Worship was difficult. There was a pause, the speaker said a few words, and Bam! FatherGod spoke. I am so glad the music started up again because I was wailing on the floor and the music was loud enough to cover up my noise.
“Forgive your hubby.”
“I’m having a very hard time, Father.”
“And in your forgiving you can not say ANYTHING against what he has done. You cannot even let me see any disproval on your face, in your actions, or attitude.”
“What???! Are You kidding?? That is impossible!! Maybe I could stop being mad at him, but not say anything? Not show anything? Are You crazy? I can’t!!!!”
He never said another word and I lay on the ground bawling in total misery. How can He ask me to do something I can not do? I don’t have that within me. I begged Him to change His mind…to give me some wiggle room.
Silence.
I struggled so to make the choice to forgive in the manner He commanded. No matter where I turned, I couldn’t. It was impossible to go all the way. I could not forgive that completely. It was hopeless.
I gave FatherGod the only thing I could manage.
“I am willing to be made willing.”
Something washed over me, in me, throughout me and I forgave completely. I rose off the floor clean and at peace, joining in the worship of my LORD and Savior.
It was easy not to say anything to my hubby when I got home. I enjoyed the gun he purchased for me. My finances didn’t come to ruin. The closeness with my hubby wasn’t destroyed.
I am to this day, in awe of what FatherGod did with that small surrender to Him.
“I am willing to be made willing.” Wow… Wow… Wow… What a powerful prayer, Cathleen. What a softness you had in your heart for God, even in that moment of anger. Thank you for sharing your story and it’s inspiring to hear how God answered that prayer.
there is a lot here in your post and in the above comments to think on.
that quote by dietrich b. at the end is really good…the diffrence between our dream of what something should be and what it really is.
Oh, that post by Dietrich Bonhoeffer is the cornerstone of fellowshipping with others and being in community with believers. I like how you summarized it — “the difference between our dream of what something should be and what it really is.”
Wonderful post…thanks!
Bonnie, it feels so good to be here, I adore your site! 🙂 it is warm and cozy with love 🙂
I feel that this post is a reminder to me that my story is being Rewritten.. Reframed in Loving Essence/His Presence.. and as I lay my story down,.. the clock strikes midnight.. and Love Appears as my Glorious Escort..” Just in Time”,.. now, I too am ready to serve! 🙂 blessings to you … luv Jenn