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Putting Up A New Fence: Learn to Say Yes and No

By Bonnie Gray • May 28, 2010 • 17 Comments

Learning to say yes and no is like putting up a new fence.  It takes time.

I don’t know about you, but anytime there’s some sort of home improvement project in progress, I start biting my nails.

We just got a new fence put up in our backyard this week, and I’ve been anxiously looking through the window every time I walk past.

It’s probably because I haven’t a clue about how a fence is built. But hey, it hasn’t stopped me from analyzing all the things that might go wrong.

I’m probably hyper-senstive, so I just zipped my lips and went out to run some errands.

When I got home at the end of the day, I was shocked by what I saw.   In the place of my old, leaning, cracked fence was… nothing.

I stood there in the doorway, staring at long pieces of wood beams, framing a large empty space.

I looked into neighbor’s backyard.  He could see into mine.

I totally freaked out.

Nobody ever told me that it takes more than a day to build a fence.

Muscles Atrophied

Early on in life, I learned to say “Yes” more than “No.”

Saying yes seemed to be bring many positive results:

– Got me out of a jam, if someone was angry with me.

– Opened up a lot more opportunities.

– The boat doesn’t get rocked.

– Nobody’s feelings got hurt.

Over the years, however, I’ve learned that saying yes all the time has atrophied the muscles that say no.

Working Out Something Better

Having boundaries is important.

Boundaries are not walls.  The Bible does not say that we are to be “walled off” from others; in fact, it says we are to be “one” with them (Jn 17:11).

But, in every community, all members have their own space and property.

The important thing is that property lines be permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger.  Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it.

~ Henry Cloud, author of “Boundaries“

I’m learning that it’s important for me to say no, that I can’t meet everyone’s expectations.

There are eight different examples of boundaries given in the book Boundaries —

1.  Skin

2.  Words

3.  Truth

4.  Geographical Distance

5.  Time

6.  Emotional Distance

7.  Other People

8.  Consequence

The ones I’m working through this week are time and words.

Time fills up so quickly.  What would I be doing, if I was courageous enough to say no?

How would my relationships change if I were honest (and loving enough to myself) to say no?  Will I allow God to show me who I am, apart from other people’s acceptance?

If I keep taking the easy way out to say “yes”, I’ll stop growing.  It seems safer, but I’m at a point I want to learn something better.

I want my “yes” to God be bigger than the fear of failure, imperfection, or pain.

Filling The Empty Spaces

It ain’t easy, though.

Just like the broken fence in my backyard that needs to be replaced, it takes time to build a new one.

Just like the empty space hanging out in mid-air — we will be exposed.  People can see in and we can see out into them as well.

Sure, some backyards are nice and neat.  But, not all are.

We can fill empty spaces by saying yes to everything or we can let God fill us with the freedom to say no.

This freedom comes with an initial cost, as we break away from the old. But, the dividends we will reap from breaking free from broken boundaries are joy and peace..

… Where He begins and we end.

… Where He carries the burdens and the results and we let go of the pressure.

…. Where He carries us and we let Him.

It doesn’t happen overnight.

But, it will happen.  We need to give ourselves the grace, as we put up one new “board” at a time.

In time, a new fence will be put up.  Along with a gate that opens and latches.

“Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” Matthew 5:37

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

What encourages you to build healthy boundaries?

Which of the eight boundaries mentioned could God be nudging you to rebuild?

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17 Comments

  • Reply Katie May 28, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I think it might be time for me to finish reading this book. I read part of it and stopped, don’t remember why right now. I know it was hard for me at the time. I have come a long way and stopped denying lots of things right now. I have seen it a couple on my shelf this past couple of weeks and felt a nudging to read it. I have stopped saying yes to everything and am so much better for it.

    I think emotional distance is one thing I am continually working on. I stuff my feelings til I blow up in anger or get so depressed. I don’t do that as much but it is my first defense mechanism.

    Thank you so much for this post. I think it is time I started listening to the nudges of rereading Boundaries.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..11 Years =-.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 29, 2010 at 12:28 am

      It’s so worth the read. Because of the actions that followed. I even attended a Boundaries Seminar (didn’t tell a soul). Turned out, God used it to change my life.

  • Reply Ann Kroeker May 28, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    This is a different take on Yes and No (see my post on HighCallingBlogs this week: http://highcallingblogs.com/8349/yes-or-no/ ). Your discussion of boundaries and how “Yes” or “No” can so profoundly affect relationships–whether with people or the Lord Himself–is critical to consider.
    .-= Ann Kroeker´s last blog ..Food on Fridays: Egg Hearts =-.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 29, 2010 at 12:30 am

      I loved it, Ann.

      Guys, anyone reading this comment, you need to head on over there… It’s a different twist.

      Yes and No are not so simple. We need both. 😉

  • Reply Kristine McGuire May 28, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Great book and insightful post! I think the hardest thing in the world can be to say “yes” or “no” in a way that creates healthy boundaries.
    .-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog ..The Reality of Christian Witchcraft =-.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 29, 2010 at 12:31 am

      Totally. The longer I live, the more I realize it’s really a spiritual practice, really.

  • Reply Heather Sunseri May 28, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” Matthew 5:37

    I think I’ll make a sign and hang this verse above my desk!

    Hi, Bonnie! I think God is constantly nudging me to keep my priorities in sight right now. If I’m asked to do anything outside these priorities, I need to pray on it.
    .-= Heather Sunseri´s last blog ..I Surrender =-.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 29, 2010 at 12:31 am

      That’ll work, Heather! 🙂 … It’s a continual re-alignment… Things naturally drift, I find…

  • Reply Dee May 28, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Boundaries are difficult for me, but I’m learning to stop and think before I try to do everything and ‘fix’ everything. I’m learning to know what is my responsibility and what I need to release to God. I’m the one in my family who tries to make sure everyone is okay. I stress over all that I feel needs care. I’m creative, so I can come up with all kinds of solutions and present them hoping it would fix ‘everthing’. It wasn’t until I realized the only power I had in the ‘fixing’ of brokenness was to fix my own. Only God and I can work on what is mine to heal and strengthen. I cannot help another repair theirs. They have to do that. I can love them and pray, but I can’t fix their lives. Once I realized that and turned it over to God, the mental and physical anguish subsided. God’s peace began to heal me. And the other relationships that I was trying desparately to ‘fix’…well those are healing, too. I just had to get out of the way and let God’s spirit work. Emotional distance and other people are the two boundaries I need to work on.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 29, 2010 at 12:33 am

      “Stop and think before fixing…” Yup… Gotta put down that hammer and nail… 🙂

  • Reply Katy May 29, 2010 at 12:48 am

    Oh! I had meant to read that book a while ago when I got home, but haven’t yet…I so need to check it out! Boundaries are tough stuff, but so important. I’m definitely with you on the learning to say yes and no…
    .-= Katy´s last blog ..fabulous friday =-.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 31, 2010 at 7:46 am

      The book has very practical examples. Easy read, but very specific how to’s, which was great.

  • Reply Fr. Michael May 29, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I’ve learned (am still learning) that it’s important to say no. However, when you’re in the ministry, there can be a subtle guilt that you experience because some people have the expectation that you’re supposed to say yes to everything. One important lesson that I’ve learned is that I’m not the Savior!

    Thanks Bonnie.
    .-= Fr. Michael´s last blog ..Does Suffering Make You Bitter or Better? =-.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 31, 2010 at 7:49 am

      It’s a hard lesson to experience when others expect you to be. In ministry, as you say, it’s like a gazillion times more pressure, because you’re accessible and available. That is why I am SO appreciative of those who put themselves out there in vocational ministry, like you!

  • Reply Susan May 30, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Bonnie, your words are always brimming with substance. How keenly important it is to remember that the path God has designed for us might not be what another envisions for us. Focusing on His purpose as He unveils it to us empowers all of us to live fully… not apart… but together in a much richer way.
    .-= Susan´s last blog ..Memorial Day Prayer =-.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 31, 2010 at 7:52 am

      “remember that the path God has designed for us might not be what another envisions for us. ”

      This is a poignant thought — because people around us have lots of ideas of how they may want us to think, act or do. It helps to have friends who can support you when it gets hard, who are also focused on learning to say yes AND no.

  • Reply Brett Barner May 31, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Sometimes boundaries are good and sometimes they are too tall or too impenetrable to be an effective person. Good thoughts, Bonnie!
    .-= Brett Barner´s last blog ..MMH5 – Five Tips to Go On Vacation And Keep Your Christianity In Tact =-.

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