“The parts of the story you want to cut out are the very parts that God wants to write in.”
~ Thoughts after publishing “Going Off Script”.
I’ve been waiting for the results of the film contest I entered, with mixed emotions.
Ain’t it ironic? I got the results on Mother’s Day weekend.
For weeks leading up to the contest, I was sweating bullets, heads down chopping the original 15 page script. Problem was, I had only 90 seconds to film my heart wrenching 30 year saga, not a major length movie!
How does one tell a tale that you’ve wanted to hide and leave behind?
Every Mother’s Day has been a reminder that I was never so far, but a heartbeat away from a broken dream and a disenchanted childhood.
I’ve never been one to cry over spilled milk.
The past is the past. There’s no point in looking back. Let’s just move on...
Even sounds kinda Biblical, don’t you think?
It’s a precarious thing, when Scripture becomes a scapegoat. Because in my case, the past needed to be dealt with.
I Felt Small
My past made me feel small. Almost good enough. But, not quite.
I’ll just cut it out of my story.
This was my way of controlling my unhappiness.
I tried to write out the things that hurt me.
I was wrong.
What He Writes
God doesn’t want us to kill our stories.
He wants to take where we’ve been and show us He was there.
He wants to show us He saw the loneliness in our eyes and heard the cries that went unshed.
He causes the events of our struggles to coincide with His timing —
to help us understand He rescues us,
when we can’t put the pieces back together again;
to love us when we feel unlovable,
so that we can no longer deny His undying faithfulness to us.
He wants to write Abba into our stories.
It may not look the way we want it to.
But, if we are willing, each of us has a real story to share.
It is the one that only you — and I — could write with God.
I Have To Be Honest…
Although writing and creating the short film proved cathardic and healing, I have to be honest. I did not enjoy grieving the mother relationship I wish I had so publicly.
To my surprise, something of more importance took the place of my discomfort.
I found support, comfort, and unspoken understanding from all of you who have read, commented, and helped to get the word out about my story.
A part of me that was once in hiding, came out in the open.
I am no longer ashamed. I no longer have to run from my past or excuse it away.
God used your encouragement, to integrate my history into who I am today.
I Wish I Could…
Thank you for being a part of making me more whole than I was a few weeks ago.
I wish I could tell you I won the film contest and am thousand dollars richer.
No cigar! I didn’t win. ( I did manage to squeak out the bronze! )
On the contrary, I am more than overjoyed to say, thanks to you– I am countless times wealthier, in ways I could have never thought possible. Without winning a dime!
Thank you for blessing me. My heart is grateful and at peace.
You show that you are a letter from Christ…
written not with ink
but with the Spirit of the living God,not on tablets of stone
but on tablets of human hearts.”
~ 2 Cor 3:3
Do you have a inkling to kill off any part of your story?
How do you make peace with the past?
47 Comments
Oh, Bonnie! So glad you are back! I’ve missed you, dear girl!
I definitely have parts I’d like to kill off, but at the same time I know they were necessary for growth. I heard someone say one time that only deserts get constant sunshine. Who wants their life to be a desert? So I guess I better not kill off the rain after all. But boy, that can be hard!
You have my prayers!
.-= Kristen@Moms Sharpening Moms´s last blog ..When I’m Tired of Dirt =-.
This is the same lesson I have learned and am learning. Would like to write out most of my story…. or at least I use to, not anymore.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Stories =-.
Good words today Bonnie!
.-= Deb Martell´s last blog .. =-.
Just as I’m getting tired of the same ole drink from the same ole barista… you serve up something fresh! WOW! I’m so glad I found your blog! I could comment on so many things, but what spoke to me most is your “American Idol” blog and how we can take those judges comments and apply them to our faith walk. Great Stuff!!!
A new fan,
Shelly
http://shellysc.blogspot.com/
.-= Shelly ´s last blog ..Shelly Says ~ "Walk Humbly" =-.
I think I’ve been trying to kill off the last 10 years of my life – with depressing results. I love that you’ve written exactly what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t put into words. The last 10 years have brought me to where I am today. If I stop trying to run away from this place in my life long enough, I might just learn to love it.
Like Kristen, I am also glad you’re back. I have been anxiously await your next brew of wonderful and inspiring words.
.-= Kristine´s last blog ..Enjoy Everything You Love =-.
I too have a story of great pain from the past that still torments me today. I finally just last week realized how desperately God has been trying to get my attention and because that past is something I don’t want to deal with, I have been trying to write it out of my life. I know God has been holding me in his hand, waiting patiently to show me the lessons in the pain and to show me that He was there all the time. I still want to kill the story because it is too painful but I know that I must walk through this valley with Him. I can’t do it on my own. I’m not even sure I can do it with His help.
Congrats on winning the Bronze in the film contest!
Love this post … I’m writing a memoir, so I’m having to be open about some parts I’d like to ignore, but I know to be real about my story, I can’t.
This line you wrote is so true “It’s a precarious thing, when Scripture becomes a scapegoat” I see this happen often and/or God being ‘blamed’ for something.
Congrats for winning the bronze!
Food for thought. Were there real judges that judged each of the videos or was it based on how many readers liked them? Because that’s easy enough to figure out. The others just had more readers.
But yea for making the top 3!!!
.-= Duane Scott´s last blog ..Power of the Outstretched Arms =-.
That’s the thing about ‘forgetting the past’ that hurts you–it doesn’t ultimately work because our God is a God of restoration and healing. Those things that stay in the darkness feed on us in a terrible way, but our God is faithful if we will just follow Him. You are courageous and blessed, Bonnie! And out all those entries, I think getting the bronze is very impressive!
.-= jasonS´s last blog ..The End of Unbelief =-.
I’m glad you’re back! I’ve missed you! I, too, have a story. I haven’t shared it with anyone – bits and pieces here and there, but never the whole enchilada. My past is begging to be released, but haven’t ever seemed to have the right time, the right words, the right person to listen. Maybe, eventually, I’ll find the right time and place to share.
.-= Rachel @ the science of music´s last blog ..sunshine for my soul =-.
Bonnie, Congrats on winning bronze! 😉
I did enjoy your story!! I am sure it took a lot of courage to write, but I am glad to hear that much peace and support followed! 😀
I love the verse you left here today:
You show that you are a letter from Christ…
written not with ink
but with the Spirit of the living God,
not on tablets of stone
but on tablets of human hearts.”
~ 2 Cor 3:3
Do you have a inkling to kill off any part of your story?
I’ll be honest, yesterday in my editing session for my book, I got a little feisty, I was to explain better these words “an intensely emotional journey”.. I was like NO! lol. I didn’t want to ..(go there again!) It seems so past.. I dunno. I’ve moved on. But my backup was to claim that I would put all that in my complimentary book, which I will but still I do recognize that it was also showing through that I was being protective of that touchy area.
So, needless to say that chapter needs more work, editing was rough yesterday.
thanks for this note today. I think I needed this.
hugs,
Jenn
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Taking on a Lead Role: A Path of a Bold Lifestyle =-.
It was good seeing the process and standing at the sidelines. You had quite a crowd of witnesses. Maybe a cloud of witnesses with a yes face towards you. And here you are. We are clapping. You finished this race. That is a win.
.-= Kathleen Overby´s last blog ..Dearly Beloved =-.
Yes, I too have portions of my life I’d rather weren’t there. Hind sight is 20/20, you know, so when I look back at some of ‘those’ parts there are things I wish I’d said/didn’t say or something I’d have done differently. That’s my problem with going back to the hard parts of my life. Some parts are so painful I feel physically ill-upset stomach, sweaty palms, increased heart rate: yet God is taking me, slowly, slowly, and helping me emerge more vibrant and strengthened.
I think everyone has portions of their story that they wished weren’t there at one time or another. I’m praying that we can work through those times and begin to see God collide with those dark areas-using His heavenly light to shine in our lives and our past; helping us to realize He was there all along…..
Thank you for your honesty.
~Amy V.
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Bonnie,
Sounds like the increase in wealth you experienced from sharing your story is more lasting than any prize money! You may have received the bronze, but your heart is gold! Thanks for encouraging and inspiring us.
Peace!
.-= Fr. Michael´s last blog ..She Preached Without Words =-.
God wanted you to tell your story & you did it beautifully. Bronze is beautiful. In my mind, you won.
.-= Candy´s last blog ..The Tweet-Up, Part 3: Meanwhile, back at the oyster bar =-.
It has been really encouraging to watch you act on one of your what-ifs. I’m in the midst of one of mine — stepping away from my part-time job at the hospital, slowing down, and immersing myself in stay-at-home motherhood for a few months. So far, it’s good, though we have yet to see how the whole budget thing will play out.
I have plenty of regrets in life. And plenty of secrets I plan to keep buried. They are things no-one knows except me and God. If they ever need to be revealed, God will have to do a big work in my heart to convince me to take that step. That’s just where I am right now. But my secrets are different that the story you shared — mine are bad choices I made myself. Not circumstances outside my control.
.-= Joy´s last blog ..A Diaper Full of Flowers, and Other Graces =-.
Congratulations on the bronze, Bonnie! Your movie was beautiful. I voted for you!! You are an amazing woman, a very gifted writer and have much to be proud of. You are a gold medal winner to me!
.-= laura´s last blog ..What I Want =-.
Hi Bonnie:
In such a short period of time you’ve processed so much, felt so much, learned so much. Your reflections on all God has done = priceless.
Bronze is beautiful and even beter still is the treasure of truths you’ve taken away from this experience and shared with us.
Thank you for not killing your story. It’s made parts of you come alive that have helped parts of me.
Congratulations, my friend, because you are a winner instead.
.-= Melinda Lancaster´s last blog ..Praying It Forward =-.
Oh…yessiree…there are parts I’d like to kill off and rewrite, but I can’t do that. I wish I’d been nurtured in a healthy family, but I wasn’t. But He is healing me one day at a time. How do I heal from the past? I meditate–that’s being quiet and going deep inside and listening to the Spirit instruct me on where I am and what is happening during the healing. I’m amazed at what comes out as I write the messages in my journal. I couldn’t come up with these concepts by myself. I’ve stood in the still darkness and felt a deep aloneness that felt impenetrable and prayed. The darkness stood cold around me like the emptiest emptiness–stone cold void. And as my prayer disappeared into the void moments later light enveloped me–warm, flowing light. With its softness I am healed. This is a miracle I experience time and time again because the wounds are deep. I attend Al-Anon groups because my family was full of alcoholics. I listen and try to incorporate the tools they have for healing from this disease. It’s a family disease. I’ll never completely be healed, but I will continue to take the brokenness piece by ragged piece to my Abba. He blesses me and washes me with His love each and every time I need Him to come. I’m stronger today than I was 40 years ago as a young woman who felt the only reason not to take her life was because she was just to pretty to kill. Miracles abound each and every day and the constancy of my Abba never grows dim.
Congratulations on the Bronze prize!!! I’m so glad you have shared your story. I’m still waiting for your book version to flesh out the story. Thank you for your posts. When someone has been wounded so deeply, their thoughts are deep and healing also. You help us give voice to our stories, too. I’m sure God will continue to bless you and us with your valiant spirit.
Your story was beautifully told — a true first-place finish. You’re a gold-medal lady, my friend, regardless of what the judges decided. Congratulations on a job well done, a story well-told, a life that is being well-lived!
As for my story? God has redeemed all of it — even the ugly parts. Some of those parts are shared publicly, but others are flung as far as the east is from the west, as deep as the deepest part of the ocean. They’re absorbed into this Grace that wipes the slate clean.
Thanks for sharing, Bonnie.
I have a lot I would like to write out as well… and those tend to be the times I stop writing. I haven’t had a chance to look at your movie yet but I will. Thanks for this post — I needed the reminders!
Congratulations on winning the bronze and acknowledging it with grace.
When you bring what’s hidden into light, you no longer have to fear it.
.-= Maureen (Mo)´s last blog ..Wednesday Wonder: Theatre’s Role =-.
Oh, Bonnie! You did win! You won more than the bronze; you won the hearts of all those that saw the video. You brought glory to God and comfort and encouragement to others. What more could there be? You have no idea how far-reaching your words will be. And yes, you CAN do it with God’s help. If your ultimate desire is the glory of God, which I’m sure it is, then I share with you my favorite verse…
“Did I not tell you and promise you that if you would believe and rely on Me, you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40 Amp
Be blessed, dear one! You are a gem! Know that you are loved and worthy!
.-= Lynn Mosher´s last blog ..Trust in a Tightrope =-.
Congratulations on the bronze! I just wrote a story on my blog showing how God was involved in a difficult situation I went through. You expressed it so beautifully here, and you are so right. Thank you!
~Jennifer
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Mother’s Day =-.
i’ve been a story killer, that’s for sure. thanks for having the courage to share this.
The stories that matter the most are the ones that push us to our limits. I’ve been discovering that lately. The sources of my struggles and the process of working through that is what really matters, and we are drawn to the honesty and the shared experience that comes from telling these true stories. Thanks for pushing yourself to the limit and for giving so many people permission to do the same. It sounds like you’ve been doing some ministry around here!
.-= Ed Cyzewski´s last blog ..Developing a Vocabulary of the Holy Spirit: Identifying Obstacles =-.
It’s not chapters from the past I’d kill. The past is safely behind me.
But there’s some chapters from the present story, still being written, which I’d sure kill in a heartbeat. God is wise enough to not leave that up to me, so that I trust Him to bring good from this story, even before the happy ending I read ahead to.
.-= Anne Lang Bundy´s last blog ..Fishing =-.
Bonnie,
I love this:
“He wants to take where we’ve been and show us He was there.”
I am so taken by the idea of story lately. I am reading “The Story Factor” and sharing these ideas with my women’s Bible Study. I will be sharing this with them too!
Thanks,
Stacey
.-= Stacey´s last blog ..Chair Time =-.
Thank you for allowing the Lord to bring life to your journey. And for allowing us to travel with you…What a blessing you are.
“Then Peter began to say to Him, “See, we have left all and followed You.”
So Jesus answered and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands Mark 10:28-30.
“Get out of your country,
From your family
And from your father’s house,
To a land that I will show you.
I will make you a great nation;
I will bless you
And make your name great;
And you shall be a blessing.
Gen. 12:1-2
.-= Doug Spurling´s last blog ..Will you love me? =-.
Congratulations on winning bronze Bonnie and thank-you for sharing your story with us! 🙂
Bonnie, I loved your video. Yes, I too, had a secret burden that I carried from my family’s past. Since my teens I felt pregnant with the knowledge of something that felt shameful but had to be birthed in words when I had the courage one day. I finally wrote about it, and read it out loud to my writers group. Kind eyes looked back at me without judgement. Since then I have written about it in more depth and I think that I have yet to see the full scope of what God will do with this thing. The courage to be real sets us free.
There are parts of my story I keep locked up because they would hurt others. I let them out for a certain few for their healing and then put them back because the time is not right for their full release. I’m grateful for the occasional twinges of pain because they remind me that my story is not yet complete. I’m reminded of the One who knew me before my birth and whose plan for me is good, who is over and above and in all things.
So glad you are back, Bonnie. So glad I got to share a little of this journey with you. You are blessed, bold and beautiful!
XOXO
.-= Sandra Heska King´s last blog ..When Do You Say Good-bye? =-.
Woot Woot for Bonnie and the BRONZE! So glad for you in so many ways, in particular how God has used this experience to heal and restore a part of your history and the experiences that made you the special person you are today. Love ya!
.-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog ..Let Him Be Your Hero =-.
I have been LOOKING and LOOKING for the results of the film contest with no info availalbe until I saw your post. Whatever the outcome, your story deeply moved my heart. It reminds me of the “Honor Your Mother” article I put on biblegrapes- we have both brought Jesus into our histories, and His presence has made them look so different. I am so grateful you shared yoru story. It was poignant and beautifully done. Lynne
I’m a grateful for you.
A brave, true heart, living into His story.
Keep writing it, sister!
Congrats on the bronze, Bonnie.
You have a courageous spirit. Someday, she will be proud of that.
Have I ever wanted to write out parts of my story? I suppose so. I remember writing a post on how hard it was to be my mom’s caretaker, and ways I failed, expecting my friends would drop me for being a terrible person, but writing it to punish myself because I finally felt like I just deserved to be pummeled. Instead, people surrounded me with encouragement. I even got emails from people who I didn’t even know read my blog stating that they are glad they aren’t the only ones who find it hard and mess up.
.-= Helen´s last blog .."She’ll Always Be With You…" =-.
Your heart has been uncovered, and at those times of vulnerability, it’s easy to want to run. But, the amazing beauty of it all is that Jesus Christ covers your heart. His blood covers your past, and His healing covers your present and future. My prayer for you is that God restores your relationship with your mother in a way that amazes your heart. The enemy came to kil, steal, and destory, but God came that you would have LIFE, and that means that He will heal, fill, and restore. May honor for your mother cover her, and as you speak life, blessing, and honor over her, may God in turn heal every area of your heart surrendered to Him. The thing about God is that we can never outwrite Him. He is the author and finisher of our faith. The best scripts are always found in agreement with Him and His Word. Such scripts change lives—all for HIS GLORY. God bless you, sister. God covers you, and He has given you a beautiful gift of writing! May He use it in you all for HIS GLORY! 🙂 In Jesus’ Name, amen.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..I Am the Vine, You are the Branches =-.
I think your writing is just great…perspective..insight..realness..comfort..even though you didn’t win the video contest your blog wins with me.
🙂
Congrats on the bronze. I’ve thought of your story often since I watched it. There is something powerful about hearing and seeing your story the way you tell it…I’m so glad you did.
.-= emily´s last blog ..home is . . . =-.
🙂
love you!
n.
.-= nAncY´s last blog ..new blog address =-.
Dear Bonnie,
Congratulations on winning the Bronze! Thank you for sharing your story. It was truly an inspiration!
Blessings to you…
Wow! What a testimony, Bonnie! You were brave enough to share it and I know so many lives were impacted by it.
.-= Joye´s last blog ..blackberry jam =-.
Bonnie, I kept checking the results to see if you’d won. I tried to remember to vote each day. But I have to say that you won our hearts. Even if you didn’t win the grand prize, I think that’s better. You opened your heart and life to us and I for one appreciate your honesty. I’m tired of hiding behind a perfect facade. We are in the place we are by God’s grace. He was with your mother and He is with you.
He is El Roi; the God who sees all. And He sees you and He sees me.
And that includes the good, the bad and the ugly. And I do believe only He can bring such good out of it all.
Thank you for sharing about your life. And may the Lord bless you for your honesty and transparency.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
.-= Debbie´s last blog ..Computer Crash =-.
Thank you for blessing ME by sharing your story and being so vulnerable and honest. You are right; we all have a story. And I love the reminder that God was there during them. This post made me tear up… You are such an encouragemen to me, and to many others, I’m sure!
.-= Genny´s last blog ..How do you know when you’re done having kids? =-.
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