Have you ever made assumptions about dating that God changed?
Once upon a time, when I was single, I actually believed I had the gift of singleness. It wasn’t because I preferred being alone and it also wasn’t because I didn’t want romance in my life.
I was 29 years old when I seriously entertained the possibility. Because despite my outgoing nature, I hadn’t found a single love connection in my many years of dating (or lack thereof).
The mere logic of my situation persuaded me to at least consider the idea: does God want me to be single?
Confessions
As my 30th birthday approached, I decided to take a bold step. I wasn’t going to wait around to get blind sighted by my gift of singleness. I grabbed it from the shelf and wrote my name on it. I took up the Apostle Paul’s challenge to choose singleness as the preferred lifestyle of ministry.
Ha! I thought. Now, I’m safe. No uncertainty. I’ve got my goal. It’s Jesus and me.
Before you think I’m a saint, let me confess to you now. Singleness was an easier choice for me. I knew how to do single. I grew up in a single parent family and have always been independent. Having someone to love and to hold felt like a luxury. And well, in lieu of luxuries, I cherished the idea of adventure, as a free-floating agent.
My dear Pastor Rich put a dent in such simplistic daydreams.
“So, you got it all figured out, huh?” Pastor Rich leaned back in his creaky padded chair.
“Sure. There aren’t a lot of people who can embrace singleness.” I was confident. No one’s gonna convince me I’m in need of anyone.
Pastor Rich stares at me intently, a soft smile curling around his mouth.
I braced myself for the ol’ fatherly chat, date-some-nice-guy and don’t-be-so-picky. Here we go… I took an invisible breath, but kept calm and cool.
“Have you asked God what He thinks?”
He got me. I never did ask God. I just assumed that’s what He wanted.
I didn’t leave Pastor Rich’s office changed and repentant. I was still happier living with my plans and preconceptions about singleness, my desires and also God’s will for me.
Little did I know, three years later, I would run into someone who would change my mind about my gift of singleness. It took more faith for me to risk my status quo happiness, in exchange for a relational happiness that wasn’t guaranteed.
No one can say that God will definitely lead any of us to find our marriage partner, but no one can say He can’t either.
A Star To Follow
It was Christmas. As I thought about the star that the wise men followed until it rested where Baby Jesus laid, I wondered if I could ever begin a journey without knowing where it would lead.
Could I possibly find someone who could steal my heart, keep it safe and love me back?
Or will this desire — if I let it out — be so painfully unquenchable that I’ll want something I can never have?
God did not give me a definitive answer.
All I heard Him say was —
Open your heart and keep following me, Bonnie.
— if there is someone for you in this lifetime, you’ll find him here with me.
— if there is no other, trust that I’ll be that Someone for you in the end.
As the world crowds around us, plastering red hearts and chocolate dreams in our periphery, we can hang onto the One hope we have in God’s love for us: Jesus Himself.
I don’t know if you’re newly single or been on the single journey for a season.
One thing is for sure.
We travel the same road of faith — holding tightly to the only one who knows the future — even when everything else may be uncertain.
I learned a life-changing lesson in Pastor Rich’s office that day. As I wear my wedding ring today proudly, I remind myself to always go back and ask God what He thinks. Even when I think I’m 100% sure I’m right.
Because after all, I’ve been proven to be wrong, when I think I’m right.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
~ Isaiah 55:9
What were your assumptions about dating that God changed?
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** SPECIAL UPDATE**
Today’s post kicks off a special February Faith Jam series — Unwrapping Love. Check it out next Thursday’s Unwrapping Love topic below and be sure to weigh in with your voice.
*** NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — FAITH BARISTA JAM! ***
Faith Barista Jam Thursdays — I serve up a topic of faith, you write the post. Keep faith fresh with a faith prompt and add your voice to this community.
Today’s Faith Jam Topic 2/3:
What I Wished Someone Told Me About Dating
Share your post by clicking on the blue button below “Add Your Link” or just comment directly. Let’s encourage each other. Swap our stories.
Next Thursday’s Topic 2/10:
What I Wished Someone Told Me About Marriage
* I selected the above topics for both single or married, guys or girls.
Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Thanks for serving your personal brews!
Build the Keep Fresh Fresh Community: Link back to Faith Barista or Grab the HTML Code For February’s Special Unwrapping Love Faith Jam Badge
It’s a jam session. As time allows, say hi & drop a comment when visiting the community faith blends!
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52 Comments
oh how many times i’ve started down a road without consulting the one who has the plan! thank you for your post. i linked up but it’s not a post on that kind of love. the girl i’ve been mentoring through anorexia left for a treatment center yesterday….kind of emotional. i wrote on that.
That’s what I LOVE about our faith jams, Kendal. So many unique flavors – love reading your personal take on this!
Thanks for kicking off the month of LOVE this way!!
I’ll mosey over to my blog to write on the topic, but wanted to share that my oldest daughter, when she was in college (at the ripe old age of 17) didn’t think she’d ever marry….that no one would ever love her “that way”. I was heartbroken when she said that to me years later, but she was content in that – it wasn’t a problem – it was more an oversight. There were a whole group of godly girls in her dorms, and they threw a ROTIC night out….What’s a ROTIC?? ROMANTIC, without the MAN!!
Melissa’s married with 3 kids now, and knows that God created her for marriage (without a doubt), but that sense of KNOWING that it’s ok to NOT be dating, that her value was wrapped up in who she/they were in Jesus, was amazing. I think that it made her the woman she needed to be first, before being a wife (and mother).
I’m going to help a group of high school girls plan their ROTIC night in a few weeks…not that God didn’t create them for marriage, but that for RIGHT NOW, they and God are quite enough!!
<3 You are loved!!
EXACTLY! Thank you so much for sharing this, Marina! Wahoo!
Ask God what He thinks – that’s the best dating advice I’ve ever heard. Great post.
I agree with Glynn – that is what stuck out to me, and what I would say to those who are dating. Loved reading your thoughts today!
Thanks, Glynn & Dustin! Pastor Rich’s words continue to make their mark on me still!
I approached this one by asking God what I want for my single daughters.
Love can feel so risky, huh? I’m glad you found your dream man, but equally glad that you saw embracing singleness as a viable option too. Ask God first–such great advice that at times I can skip right by…
Thanks, Bonnie!
Oh, that is a GREAT idea, Lisa. I have boys and I’m already thinking ahead… Can’t wait to read your thoughts.
ohhhh you sneaked my little one word in there: if there is no other, trust that I’ll be that Someone for you in the end.
so hard…
thanks for challenging me in the midst of it all and reminding me that “no one can say that God will definitely lead any of us to find our marriage partner, but no one can say He can’t either.”
it all comes back to that trust…i’d be much obliged if He happened to just give me an answer so i can adjust and go with it…but then there’d be no trust…
Yes, your One Word for 2011 Katy is golden. “it all comes back to that trust…” I know what you mean on just wanting an answer, whatever it is. I still have that streak in me to give myself an answer, in lieu of a definitive one from Him. 😉
I never had a date until after high school. The dates trickled in and it wasn’t until the last few years of singledom that my social life really revved up. I cherished the attention and the flowers, but I felt safe keeping them at arms length. I was happy being the center of attention, but being the center of attention had no risks. So when my husband began dating me I ran as fast as possible from the one man I knew would break my heart if he hurt me. I counted on men hurting me. I considered bad men safe and good men harmful. God used that to show me one day that I needed to risk my heart and even if it broke time and time again, God would be there to make it whole again. Without risk, you can’t get happiness. Now I also wear my wedding ring with pride and I have a great marriage of almost eight years.
Wow. So true. We run away from those who can break our hearts… Love is risky but of great reward if we can hang onto the One who can catch us.
Bonnie, you very nearly took the words right out of my mouth. I turn 30 this year and I am still single. I always thought I would be married by now. But no one showed up long enough to be a possibility. I have been wondering if this is the way I will stay. I am working on being okay with that possibility…but it would be easier if people didn’t try to help. So I have been contemplating on Paul and singleness. Otherwise, I have no wisdom to share about love or dating. At this point, I wish someone had told me more that I picked up by observing the people around me.
Girl, tell me about it!! That is another post I’d love to write. Just to say my peace about having people leave me be in my singleness. 🙂
These are really good words. I am 45 and still single. I am happy with my life and with God. I never really thought I had to be married by a certain age. I just knew that if God wanted it to happen that it would and if not, then he would be my security and peace. He hasn’t failed me yet. Sometimes it was discouraging seeing my friends get depressed about reaching certain milestones and not being married. I believed the Lord was calling me to missions and many people asked and still ask – well what about getting married first. I have not rejected the possibility that I will get married some day, but I also don’t think God expected me to wait around for it to happen. So, I have been serving in Kenya for almost 15 years. I still think marriage is a possibility, but I also know I am complete and whole in the Lord as long as I continue to rely on Him and ask Him to be my guide and helper in this life.
Lynn, I’m so glad you chimed in here. Thank you for sharing your story and showing us God in it. You are walking in that space of faith with confidence and openness as well!
Well I somehow thought this week was on dating/marriage, respective to the person and not just dating alone. That was hard enough to write, to share in such a public forum these things. Now another week ahead, well, I knew God would be stretching me in this season, tearing down some of those walls. Thanks for the challenge to grow in my pursuit to live a more transparent life.
The one thing I have always known in this journey, dating or not, is that the only place worthwhile to be is in Him. That we can trust wholeheartedly.
Oh, it is hard to write. Tell me about it! 🙂 I can’t wait to read yours, Dunlizzie. Because I already know it is going to be awesome. The harder means the deeper it goes. There’s total freedom to write whatever you’re inspired!
Wise words here Bonnie. I am married, but while dating I feel like my standards and expectations for dating were always changing. That’s part of why I felt like I couldn’t write a post today about dating. My sense is that your advice here is the best dating advice: staying tuned in to God’s lead. That can be quite hard when you’re dating someone and you experience the rush of emotions that come when love and desire are fresh and calling out.
If I could say one thing I’ve learned that probably hasn’t changed much, it’s that dating is an essential time in which we need to figure out what kind of person we are dating–and I don’t mean what kind of kisser this person is. My sense is that my wife and I are almost always on the same page, even if we bring different personalities to our relationship. That to me is what has helped our marriage the most.
Oh, yeah. You say it well, Ed. There is no black and white answers in the name of love.. other than God’s Himself, which we learn to live out in our relationships here on earth.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by edcyzewski, Brandon G. Smith and Nikole Hahn, FaithBarista. FaithBarista said: New Post — Confessions About Singleness and Dating http://ow.ly/3PEaa Once upon a time… […]
Bonnie,
Another great post! A beautiful expression of the fear, love, trust, faith, struggle, change and vulnerability it takes to love completely no matter what the relationship.
So true, Hannah. It never ends.. this vulnerability as you so wonderful express.
I hadn’t heard your story before, Bonnie. That’s so interesting. 🙂 I love finding out people’s journeys. Since I’m talking about fasting on my blog this week, I didn’t link up. But I look forward to reading what other’s shared. Thanks for always hosting these. I always appreciate your perspective and enjoy reading how others take it. Have a great day!
For me, it is helping to learn what real intimacy looks like, with all brothers and sisters in Christ and to be able to point out that sometimes in dating relationships, or in relationships with the opposite sex, we fall into an “intensity” that looks like intimacy. This intensity is what I’ve seen around me all my life growing up, in dating relationships, and it comes from our world, and the things we learn in all our favourite romantic comedies.
I am not sure how to describe this thing I’m learning…
I think it has to do with learning what a Godly relationship looks like with my brothers in Christ, one that is not always covered in secret thoughts of “will this be my marriage partner? Can I marry this man?” before I truly get to know them.
I am learning to see them… to be Christ to them… to love them…
even if it doesnt’ end in romance…
I am learning this now!
I am excited to see how God can use me in my brother’s lives, now that He is taking me on this journey of healing.
I am sorry for being a bit vague, but I thought I’d throw in my two cents.
Thanks Bonnie for your words. VERY ENCOUrAGING!
Okay…I commented but not sure what happened to it. Sorry if this is a duplicate!
I remember the time in my life when I thought I was called to singleness, when I met a dynamic Christian speaker who seemed so perfectly content to be single and so passionate about her ministry. I wanted to be just like her. A dear friend pointed out that it wasn’t her singleness that I should be impressed by or trying to emulate, but her contentment. And Paul encourages us to learn to be content whatever our circumstances.
I found that it wasn’t until I WAS content with being single that someone came along that was “dateable”.
Great story, Bonnie. 🙂 We can definitely forget to ask God sometimes. When I graduated high school, I had a girl I really liked and I did everything I could to persuade her to come the college I was attending because we were friends and even though we had never dated, I entertained the thoughts of marriage. It didn’t work out that way. So I told God, driving to somewhere, that He knew I wanted to be married someday but I wasn’t going to chase after it and make it happen, I was going to die to it and trust Him. It was just 3 months later that God showed the woman who would be wife and I couldn’t be happier that I left this up to God! I am very blessed. Thanks again, Bonnie.
Asking God what He thinks sounds like something Christians would do, but we just don’t for some reason. lol. Even last night, my connection group was talking about Ephesians 2:10 and what “good works” God has in store for the believer. People started naming things that were great and all, but we soon though, “Hey, I wonder what Scripture says a believer should be about?” Thanks for the reminder today.
love this! Did a whole series on Online dating and Christianity that explored more about “how” I had to learn to be effectively single, before I could be effectively married 🙂 Just reposted it at my site for a friend who is exploring this topic… will share your post with her too 🙂
Online Dating: Is it ok for Christians?
Great story – asking God what He thinks is so simple, yet so profound at the same time!
I should have done that in my own relationships in college. It wasn’t until I was already married that I realized exactly how much I had screwed up. In spite of screwing up big time, God has still blessed me in ways unimaginable.
Could I possibly find someone who could steal my heart, keep it safe and love me back?
Or will this desire — if I let it out — be so painfully unquenchable that I’ll want something I can never have?
These same questions have nibbled away at me, too. The answer has been pretty much the same, too—God says, trust me and those questions won’t matter one way or the other.
Thanks for another great post, Bonnie! (Oh and there’s a note below my comment bo that says this version of CommentLuv is no longer supported and to tell you . . . so I did.)
Yours is a true GOD-story, Bonnie! One of my very favorite things to do with girlfriends is hear their “how we met” stories. Something about the beginning of the love story that makes the cheeks glow, gives the eye a sparkle…I think it is the One who is Love reflected in the telling.
I just couldn’t get my words together this week, so I’m sitting this one out. But i”m cheering y’all from the sidelines. Some wonderful stories here.
I had always wanted someone to be ahead of me in the Lord, someone that really ministered and loved Jesus. But someone gave me wise counsel that a man and woman lead in different areas. Maybe I’ll lead spiritually and he’ll lead with wise emotional and relational counsel. The important thing is that we are both moving towards Jesus and becoming more like Him.
I think I’ve heard this story before – from my own lips. I am just 29 myself and have been feeling very much the same way. Before knowing Jesus, I could fall pretty easily but I think in trying to guard myself from falling into old patterns, I guarded my heart a little too much.
It wasn’t until a friend of mine and tried to date and it didn’t work out, I had all but decided that I wasn’t supposed to be married. I said to myself, and my friends, “Maybe I’ll just be single and I’ll be everyone’s honorary aunt.” But God has been slowly changing my mind and asking me to change my focus from looking for that one special relationship to making sure I focus on my relationship with Him.
The things I thought about dating… I made a vow, one to wait for someone to come back or to get married. And then God freed me from my vow, almost against my will. He works so differently than we know. And now, I’m beginning to watch it all fall out and He is moving in to heal things I want to forget…
I am rambling in your comment box. I have missed you in my busy. Soon, I will be back to reading more regularly. Soon.
I wish I had felt that contentment during my teen and college years. I always felt I needed a boyfriend. Felt left out when I didn’t. I love my husband, but wish I had realized earlier that I didn’t need a guy to complete me.
Being single and being single in the church are two different things. Jesus people want all of us to hook up (the right way, not the wrong way) while I honestly believe the world has less of an issue with singleness. We can all cite various reasons for this… most of them are inappropriate but probably hold some truth. Either way, I LOVE the old women in my church that have been praying for my wife for some time now. They all want to see who she is, I have to admit that at one point, I was curious too.
I don’t know if I have the gift of singleness or not, but after the last relationship I had, the first in several years, I thought I was going to marry the girl. Turns out I wasn’t but I don’t have any regrets about the nine or so months we dated. I learned a lot about me and grew because of it.
I enjoy my current singleness because my time and my money are mine. OK ultimately, they’re God’s but here’s the deal, only one person gets to discern what God’s will for my time and money is- it’s certainly easier — mostly kidding.
What’s the one thing I wish people would have told me about dating? I wish someone would have warned me that physical boundaries would be just as difficult as a Christian as it was when I was not walking with the Lord.
I hadn’t dated anyone in almost 6 years when my current boyfriend came into my life. Before I began walking with God I lived a very sexually active lifestyle and that was a temptation, as I began my walk, that God protected me from in many ways. Just even preventing men from being in my life at all (looking back on that time and that protection I am very thankful!). When my boyfriend and I started dating we were blindsided by how difficult it was to keep purity a priority in our relationship. We had good boundaries, boundaries we’d even written down and told people about, but we had a difficulty sticking to them. We made lots of mistakes and so we sought council from a mature married couple we trusted (who pointed us to straight to God), but I wish before we would have ever gotten to that point that someone, somehow, would have helped us mentally prepare for that difficulty. (It’s debatable that I would have learned much, because attraction and love often seam to blindside us, but it would have been nice to have been warned…it kinda seams like you’re stating the obvious but I never really considered how raw the attraction would be, I kinda thought I’d grown past that stage in my life.)
The best advice I got from our mentors was to read the book “The Principle of the Path” by Andy Stanley, it really helped us get our heads on straight and was a great reminder that “direction, not intention, determine destination” and that “if you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.”
Oh- and I’m just tuning into your blog! It’s realllllly fantastic and as God is continuing to open my heart in this area I’m really fascinated by His timing in leading me to this blog. Thank you so much!
[…] we make our way into the topic of love this month, we navigate the questions of […]
I always assumed I had to be friends with the guy first, then date them at least a year, be engaged at least a year and then get married.
Turns out, I met my now husband the night after I had given up on dating, we knew instantly, we dated for three months, were engaged for six months and were married nine months to the day that we had initially met.
From that, I learned that God’s plans are perfect and to let my timeline go…
I just finished reading your article on “Confessions About Singleness and Dating.” On the eve of my 30th birthday I want to thank you for sharing your insights and revelations you gleaned in your journey of singleness. I specifically felt empowered by the words the Lord spoke to you regarding your singleness.
As I embark on the adventure of being a thirty year old tomorrow. I take with me the truth that God shared with you. I too agree that if there is a potential spouse for me, he will be found in Jesus. On the other hand, if there is no future husband for me, then my Jesus will be and is my husband. My spiritual husband.
Thank you.
[…] had managed my life to a state of contentment and I was happy to not let anyone rock the boat. Especially if I suddenly thought he was cute, […]
Hey Faith Barista! Just found your blog from the INcourage blog. Love it! Mixing coffee and faith, could it get any better?:)
I will be turning 30 this year and just got married last year. I sat thru many weddings and baby showers for friends and family and felt like I would NEVER find the one. God brought me all the way from New York City to Arkansas and there was the incredible man of God he had been working on just for me. What an incredible thought! All the years of praying and dedicating myself to God, some better than others. And He was doing the same for my husband in another state. God is so very good. I can’t get over His love sometimes and that He chooses to take care of us even when we don’t realize we need it. For all reading, stay true to God. He WILL fill your heart’s desires, maybe not exactly like you think He should. But He’s got your back, I promise!
I look forward to more reading. Thanks girl!
Yay! You’re here, Rachel. Thank you for sharing such an awesome God love story. God’s ways are amazing.
[…] in the pew with tears of joy, I thought back to my own story — how in my thirties, I believed I had the gift of singleness. Not because I didn’t want romance or a husband. But, out of sheer logic. I just […]
[…] get me wrong. I was pretty sure I had the gift of singleness, because for the life of me, I just could not fall in […]
[…] today and God brought me back to another chapter in my story — how in my thirties, I believed I had the gift of singleness. Not because I didn’t want romance or a husband. But, out of sheer logic. I just […]
[…] me over at Faith Barista to read even more posts on “What I Wish Someone Told Me About Dating!” Share […]
[…] me over at Faith Barista to read even more posts on “What I Wish Someone Told Me About […]
[…] me over at Faith Barista to read even more posts on “What I Wish Someone Told Me About […]