How can we find joy through motherhood, as we try to make sense of the journey ourselves?
As a mom of two preschooler boys, I’m sandwiched in between my experience of motherhood as a child and my own journey as a mother.
When I was pregnant, daydreaming of the life I wanted to build for my new family, I never would’ve guessed that my own growing up years would return to me.
What I’ve found are flashbacks to my own childhood. Memories that I had long forgotten resurface as I step through childhood a second time with my children.
I am both little girl and grown up woman, finding my way to nurture and create a new history with my children.
What I didn’t anticipate is that along with the loving a mother naturally desires to grow into, God has taken me through a journey of grieving.
Motherhood goes deeper than genes transmitted to one’s offspring. It cracks hard places open, to face ourselves as child and let God love us.
Deep where we’ve pushed away our weaknesses to grow up and become adults, lies the heart of a child that Jesus tells us holds a secret — to bring heaven into us on earth.
“Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. … whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” ~ Jesus, Mark 4:25-29
Never Anticipated
I used to think that joy meant the absence of grief. Whenever certain holidays would circle around, I would beat whatever was bothering me into submission. I spent most of my emotional energy trying to keep the closet of sadness shut.
Becoming a mom has disassembled that steel determination. I can’t explain it, except to conclude my heart can no longer protect itself like a sieve held up to rushing whitewater. The heart isn’t a piece of machinery we can open one valve and close another. When we open our hearts to joy, especially children, our defenses are dismantled. Our innocence returns.
I’ve had to grieve what I missed out in the earlier chapters of my story, but I’m also learning there are moments of grieving in the daily giving as a mother too. There is a lot of letting go in exchange for the joy of letting in.
Because God is in us, this grieving is life-giving. It blossoms into joy. How? Need brings us close, held and loved as God’s child.
I never could have anticipated this: becoming a mother returns my heart to becoming a child.
The joy of becoming a child once again with God is the joy I am celebrating this Mother’s Day.
Another Mystery At Work
I don’t know if sorrow is a part of your Mother’s Day this year. Some of us carry broken relationships with our mothers. Others of us have lost a mother, carry the burden of single motherhood, face unique challenges as stepmother, or have been waiting to become a mom, through adoption or physical birth. In the case of my friend Heather, some have had to say goodbye for now, until heaven.
Every woman is a little girl in the arms of Jesus.
Motherhood is deep, complex and mysterious. Motherhood changes you — whether we have children to hold or mothers to embrace.
As we carry our grief to God as Father and Jesus as our gentle Confidante this Mother’s Day, remember another mystery is at work in us.
We can run to Abba Father like children into arms never empty of gifts of joy for you and me. Moments of sadness won’t change this fact: God created us to be nurturers, givers of life and drawn to create beauty wherever we go.
God starts this creative work of turning sorrow into joy first in us — in our hearts.
Especially On Mother’s Day
If you find yourself encountering moments of grief, whether for yourself or in your experience with motherhood, don’t be afraid.
Grief isn’t the end of your story. Joy is.
The God who loves you, calls you by name, and unconditionally delights in you. He will never turn you away.
Jesus always welcomes you and me, as little girls and grown up women. His heart is gentle and meek. Yet His power to love us is strong enough to bring joy right alongside the sorrows.
The love of God is mysterious. It will breathe life in and through us.
This is the kind of kingdom God tells us to enter freely into each and every day. It doesn’t matter whether you and I can see it in our moments of weakness.
In God’s eyes, you and I are His hidden treasure. Especially on Mother’s Day.
“The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field,
which a man found and hid again;
and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
~ Jesus, Matthew 13:44
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How are you experiencing God through motherhood or Mother’s Day this year?
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Today’s Topic 5/5:
Share how you experience God in one of the following areas: Mother’s Day, motherhood or a mom relationship.Share your post by clicking on the blue button below “Add Your Link” or just comment directly.
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59 Comments
HI Bonnie,
Great post! I am grieving as I go into this Mother’s Day but I know God is right beside me. He has given me a great friend who sent me great words to read, repeat and write down. Repetition works well for me! I’ve battled the thoughts and feelings and memories of my childhood with my mother as well as the lack of relationship between us. I faced it last year through really hard counseling. What I didn’t expect was just how much the holidays would sting THIS year! Coming out of Easter I felt really good but could see Mother’s Day looming on the horizon. I wanted to hide from it, not feel it, not face it even though I AM A MOM now. I need to face it for my own children. I need to feel them celebrate me even if I am not celebrating my own mother. Which is what I have wanted in my life but that never occurred. This friend wrote a statement for me that says something along the lines of “I will choose instead to focus on the women that God placed in my life who have shown me that I am able to be loved unconditionally, who nurture me in the ways I have not experienced. These do not have to come from my mother to be real.” So God is giving me joy in the grief through these women, through my children and through his Son Jesus Christ. It’s Thursday and I’m still doing ‘ok’ as I head to Mother’s Day. I’m working on writing something for the women he put in my life to celebrate them and how they have positively affected the path of my life. I will be sad on Sunday but I will also be very thankful for the people he has given me because he knew my mother wouldn’t be in my life a whole lot longer than I ever knew!
Lisa, thank you for sharing your story and your idea — celebrating the women God put in your life is a joy-filled expression of Mother’s Day!
This is wonderful. Thank you for the reminder that grief always turns into joy. It is so much easier to accept that way, isn’t it?! Also, you are right that motherhood reminds me that I am a child of God. It is a strange dichotomy of being a mom and also a child. Great post.
Motherhood has been filled with dichotomies. Great word to describe the mysterious journey of joy, Courtney.
I became a grandfather last year, and now the memories of both my own childhood and my son’s childhood come doubling back. It’s an amazing thing at times.
Thanks for hosting the jam.
Grandparenthood sounds rich and deeply joyful. BTW, such a strong resemblance of joy in the photos you shared in last week’s jam. Thanks, Glynn!
Thank you for remembering those for whom Mother’s day is a day of mixed emotions….and for encouraging us to use that combination of bitter and sweet to see Jesus.
Bitter and sweet. Beautiful combination to see Jesus. Thanks, Esther.
Beautiful post and so wonderfully honest! Mother’s Day has always been hard since I have broken relationship with my mom, due to the verbal and emotional abuse. Yet the past several years God has taken me through that and helped me grieve that. I am learning that the grieving heals your heart and helps you to find the joy from God. And this last year alone God has begun restoring that relationship… not trust, but understanding and forgiveness have blossomed. Along with her acknowledging what she did was emotional abuse and apologizing has helped our relationship.
Along with that I can’t have children, so another reason to grieve. I know adoption is an issue but my husband refuses to adopt.
Mother’s day has always been hard for me and caused me much tears.
Here I was thinking that I have nothing to say about Mother’s Day and how God is working, but I was so wrong. God is continually working through my grief to heal me and my heart.
Katie, thanks for sharing your heart and God’s moving in you.
Mother’s Day brings up SO many emotions for so many. It’s rarely one pure vein. You touched well on many of those.
This will be my first Mother’s Day without my mom so our family is skipping out of town to be with my daughter about to graduate, and my m-i-l is coming down there for that too. God worked it out great for me.
A great post, Bonnie. Thanks for keeping it real.
God does understand us intimately and our needs. So happy He’s customized this year’s Mother’s Day for you, Lisa!
My mother brought my sister and her kids to Florida this past weekend. I thought alot about motherhood and childhood while they were here. Seeing four generations together gave me a larger perspective on life and the Having no children of my own, it was one of my first views of motherhood from the othe rside.
What a wonderful blessing to have the women in your family descend into your home last week! Thanks for sharing, Kristine!
Bonnie, you are so right. The healthy heart is the one with all valves open.
Thanks for addressing grief and what God can accomplish when we’re in the midst of it.
Thanks, Monica!
Being a mom….it’s the hardest job ever….but, the most fulfilling. I thank God for the opportunity He has given me.
Through happiness, sadness, confusion, and smiles, it’s all worth it.
That means a lot from an experienced mommy. 😉 Thanks, Dawn!
I lost my Mom in 2005 but she lives on in my and my children. My children who are all grown up and have families of their own complete my life. I adore each and every one of them. There were some painful moments when they were growing into themselves but I know God has them in the palm of His hand so I ask God to bless them every day. My grandchildren are all so special and I love them all so much. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God bless.
Christina, thanks for sharing a bit of your story and encouraging us, that after the pain, there is joy in the journey of motherhood.
Sorrow may last for a day, but joy comes in the morning! 🙂
That’s a great verse for today, April!
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What a timely post. These holidays certainly have a way of stirring up pain that we can forget about for a while, but even after a time of healing and grieving, it can still resurface. This drives home how important it is to seek God’s healing and to carry our deepest wounds to him, such as rejection or insults, and let him heal us with his perfect love and acceptance. The trick I find is that there’s always more that needs to be healed…
Healing is continual. Even though I wish it was a one time shot! Thanks for sharing your post, Ed!
[…] var addthis_product = 'wpp-256'; var addthis_config = {"data_track_clickback":true};Today at the Faith Barista Jam we are talking about how we experience God in motherhood, Mother’s Day or our moms. While I […]
Another great entry Bonnie. Thank you for being faithful to listening to God’s prompting as you wrote on this…
Just yesterday I blogged in response to Holley Gerth’s post…Mother’s Day can be a bit of a black hole for many people.
In my ministry with families of Global Workers (aka – Missionaries), Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are probably the hardest holidays to face alone. My kids are in the states right now, but we’re still not able to get together this weekend. I understand, and it’s ok, but for some reason I still can’t shake this sadness.
Perhaps it’s because this year it’s a triple whammy –
1. can’t see kids
2. memory of my own mom, who died from complications from lung cancer, when i was a young teen
3. my younger daughter just lost her first pregnancy last week.
Expectations of Mother’s Day includes the commercial scene of every restaurant table filled with age defying mom’s and grandma’s surrounded by her children and grandchildren. All. Of. Them. Obviously, for that to happen is another mother or grandmother who is not getting to see her kids/grandkids on that day. What does the day hold for them? Perhaps we need to create another day?? ; )
Oh, I’ve gone on too much – and I feel myself whining… LOL. That’s not my intent. My hope is that God’s plan for me that day will soon be revealed, and that EVEN if it is ONLY staying home alone (husband is working that day) that I will be WILLING TO BE CONTENT. I want my heart to be willing to be content. Yes. That is my prayer.
And if His plan is otherwise, that my eyes and heart will not be focused on the Woe. Is. Me., and I will be open to reach out to other mothers who may be missing their daughters, grandgirls, grandma’s, and that He would use me to fill a spot in their heart, as we become those “women who are little girls in the arms of Jesus.”
<3
Dear Marina, thank you for sharing your story. May you feel God’s presence with you, as you travel through this weekend.
Bonnie, this was so, so beautiful. “It blossoms into joy. How? Need brings us close, held and loved as God’s child.” Mothering shows us our need, which draws us to cling tight to God. So true, and so beautiful. Have a wonderful Mother’s Day!
Thank you for reminding us that there is indeed joy within the grief when we look through His eyes!
Today I am celebrating the life my friends are about to bring into the world this week. I was never able to have children, but understood that God had a different plan for us. Today I also pray for those who couldn’t and feel that pain. And for you and I, Bonnie, who both experienced broken childhood, we can rejoice in mothers like you and others who give their children complete childhoods.
Bonnie – You have captured so well the many ways we approach Mother’s Day – both the joy and grieving. Though I am always thankful to honor my mother, I am always disappointed that I will never be a mother. Holidays like this create these mixed emotions and experiences you have captured so well.
So, Happy Mothers’s Day to you! And thank you.
Thank you for adding your voice. This is a weekend, w/ children or not, we are walking through together, by faith.
Good words, Bonnie, in this revealing post. I like this line: “I am both little girl and grown up woman, finding my way to nurture and create a new history with my children.”
This is where I am. I don’t feel that I can write openly about it on my blog, but I will say that I chose to encourage my children to call me “Mama” and my husband “Papa” because I didn’t want to be addressed the with the same “title” as those that I used with my own parents…it was a symbolic way to indicate a departure from what I experienced as a child. I hope to offer my family something different, something healthier, something filled with faith and love.
I’m saying this here in your comments, where it is somewhat buried, where my mom will be unlikely to stumble on it and feel hurt or defensive.
I too mourn for the mother I did not have. And was also afraid she may read my blog and couldn’t write about it. May God bless that place in your heart to be fruitful in love, and comfort your child within who longs for the love of a Mother. Amen.
Ann, thank you for sharing. It is important to create new memories and you’ve shared a personal way you’ve taken to nurture that.
My mother died when my beautiful daughter was just 5. Her brother was a grown up 7. He suffered that loss more than his sister—I remember sitting with his night terrors in the aftermath of Mom’s death. My relationship with my mother had been difficult for me. We were like people from opposite planets, and I have always felt somewhat like a motherless child. The ache of that reality never really leaves.
In the autumn of my life, I know she loved me; but she was too sick or too tired to show it the way I felt it should be done. Mothers’ Day will probably always be bittersweet to me, but my husband and my children always bless that day. The wounds in my heart haven’t quite healed, but joy peeks in every now and then.
Today, I spent some time with a friend who was suffering heartache, and blessings washed with joy fell over us. Such is the life I’ve been given. The joy I have is the compassion the suffering has led me to feel.
Dee – that is just BEAUTIFUL. You’ve allowed God to use your past hurt to be a soft place to love others. That is true joy that is deep.
Thank you for the beautiful balm that soothes the wounds of my motherly heart. God bless you, encourage you, and soothe your soul more than you could ask or think. Restoring your Joy. In Jesus Name, Amen. I am so thankful for Thursdays Jam. Melinda
This year will be a year of grieving for me on Mother’s Day. I will not be able to see my mom. This is especially difficult because it is the first Mother’s Day after my father passed away. I know that God will be with both of us on this journey, He can do what I can not… but it’s still hard not to feel like a bad daughter.
kd, I am so sorry for your loss. This is going to be a tough time. God will see you through it. God’s love is unconditional for you as His daughter, friend.
I absolutely love how you brought FatherGod’s love for us into our celebration of our mother’s!
We are funny people. One day long ago when I was pastoring, I made a Mothers Day announcement at church. It became complex because some women felt bad, not being able yet to be mothers, and others were struggling as mothers, and the same happened when we announced a married couples event. Some marriages signed up with happiness, and another member of the church, a single parent mom, reamed me out for announcing an event that made her feel bad since her husband left her with three kids. Sometimes you don’t know what to do to honor these, nor do you know exactly how to plan events that equip and help them along and honor them.
I agree, we need to have a sensitivity to those who are suffering but YOU did not make her husband leave, YOU did not make the woman infertile…God Bless you for being sensitive, regardless of all that I have suffered and been through I do not expect those in the leadership of my church to alter their Holiday announcements for me!
Mark, as pastor, you are right in the eye of the storm, standing in the lives of men and women in the middle of their stories of faith. May God continue to strengthen and give you wisdom, as you pour your time and heart into the hearts of people! Thank you for taking time to share!
It is so much easier said than done, I lost my mom almost 10 years ago to suicide, she left her body for me to find while I was in early pregnancy with my first child, with a restraining order on the dad, had my mom not taken that route, I would not be who I am today, I received the Lord and have changed my life around…My mom slipped me acid at 13, dragged me to the tattoo parlor at 14, slept with my boyfriends, and I just hate it when people tell me Happy Mothers Day, I try not to be bitter, I try to just let the Lord seep in through those cracks and soften my heart but I have not found a way to enjoy Mothers day yet, this will be my 9th Mothers day as a mom….My daughter turns 9 this year ON MOTHERS DAY…yet I still find it hard to rejoice as a mom…I just like to spend my Mothers days under my blankets pretending it doesn’t exist…I could use some advice as well
Dear Meg, what a terrifying experience to go through. You were a child and vulnerable, needing a loving mother to protect you. But she was not your protector. If there is any advice I would offer, is the one I give myself. Do not pretend your hurt away. We can take our broken stories and broken selves openly to God our Father. We can ask Him to heal us deeply. Then, pray for one person you can confide in, who can work through the pain with you and get through this tough holiday. Healing is a process. Don’t give up. Grief is there, but it is only part of your story.
Jesus is your story and He will not let this define you. Bring others to share in your sorrow. You don’t have to be alone.
Grief comes in waves and when I feel it will drown me — and I wish God gave me a different story, I read two passages in the Bible for confidence. Two of my favorite passages to comfort me is 2 Cornthians 4 & 2 Corinthians 12.
They remind me that 1) Light will shine from the dark places because God is there in it with me. 2) My weakness is where I can 100% rely on God’s strength to get through those moments, so my soul can feel joy once it passes.
I ask God to renew me and I lean on Him, trusting He’ll get me through that process. And I reach out to share with someone I can trust, not to fix me, just pray for me. Thank you for sharing and I hope this gives you comfort and hope:
“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”a made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
Therefore *we do not lose heart*. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 2 Cor. 4:6-10, 16
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:8
Thanks…I do love those verses…I find it hard to have a “real” friend…My husband is involved in ministry and I have been tagged as a loose cannon because I say things like they are rather than all fluffy and sugar coated…If I simply share a reality of what I am going through, working through, praying through I get tagged with, “Dredging up my past to make others feel sorry for me”, I get so frustrated because if someone feels sorry for me, that is THEIR choosing, not my want…I don’t like pity and I don’t need it, I have my husband and I have my God as well but it is really hard to not have a girlfriend to share with…people avoid me, My husband tells me its because of my “realness” He says most people just want to have superficial, conditional relationships but I get lonely…I am also involved in pro-life ministry and there are many people, even in the church who really do not want to hear about it….its days like Mothers Day and other Holidays when I get kind of down and I am just so weary when people treat me like I am trying to rain on their day or get sympathy… I am not asking anyone to sacrifice their time with their mom, I am not asking anyone to fix my past but I hate being targeted as a sympathy hog just because I am down….its like I am not allowed to have a bad day, not that I want to but is there really something wrong with taking a sobering moment to reflect? I really appreciate this article, the heart and sensitivity that it offers, I hope many read it and realize that just because people in my shoes hurt, we are NOT trying to ruin their day or take away from their wonderful memories….we just want our own place to heal and feel comfortable to celebrate in a way that meets our own needs as the walking wounded…. <3
Well said! I’m a pastor(age 48) who has never met his mother but this reflective article has brought joy remembering how our Father God comforted me in an amazing way when I was much younger (age 31) and in search for my biological mother. God is so good and has things hidden for us and not hidden from us. He has revealed His amazing healing love in a time when I most needed it. And by the way, I’ve gleaned some good sermon material from this article and that always is worthy of praise also. Hats off to you, blessings, John
Hi Bonnie! The most amazing thing about motherhood (to me) is how it parallels our relationship to God. When my boys are disobedient or have done something wrong, I find myself saying “this must be how God feels with me at times”. At other times, when they do somthing great, I feel so happy inside. I think “they are finally getting it”. Maybe that is the way God feels with us too.
Okay, I’m a dad, but I can relate. Parenthood does bring a lot of joy, and pain. Before becoming a parent we had control, of our hearts, of our love, of our emotiions. We were trained in the art of heart defense, and our walls were high enough to live peacefully behind. But when a child comes into the picture our love is no longer ours, it dwells on the outside, beyond our walls, and now we are no longer in control. As we watch our kids go through pain, loneliness and rejection, we can do nothing but give our trust over to the one who truly has things “in control”, and that’s the day we become good parents.
Bonnie,
The way you describe this “journey of grief” gives words to my own experience too. So touching, so affirming. Thank you. And…Happy mum’s day!
Thank you for writing this. We have a brand new boy, and I am already expereincing way more ranges of emotions from joy to fear, than I ever thought I would! It’s in those moments of fear, worry about the future that I need to cling to God, becuase He is good, and He loves my son more than even I do! But it’s SO hard!
Thanks again!
Blessings,
Amy
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Thank you for reminding us that He always gives us beauty for ashes!
And I thank God for your gift of words — your simple words always make us look within and more importantly toward HIM!
Thank you, Cathy! Let us keep holding onto God — He is faithful!
Thanks Bonnie for articulating with compassion the varied experiences of moms and offering God’s comfort to them. I find it difficult to preach this day and found some good thoughts to share. I will quote you and give you credit.
Thanks, Kathy! May God continue to fill and refresh you, as you serve God through opening your heart to others.
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