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The Top 5 Lies of Perfectionism (Starting New Principle #3)

By Bonnie Gray • May 26, 2011 • 59 Comments

Do you find perfectionism holding you back on the journey of faith? The top 5 lies of perfectionism can be wiped out with the truth.


“Faith is a verb described as a noun.” ~ William Backus


I used to tell myself, “I have to stop being a perfectionist!”.

Can anyone else hear the irony of those words?

One of the biggest traps I often fall into is the notion that I can get rid of perfectionism.

If only I had more confidence in myself…

If only I could let go of the past…

If only I trusted God more…

If only…

All this If-Only thinking accomplished only one thing:  keeping me from my Only-Hope of freedom. My focus to overcome my flaws blinded me to the truth.

God hasn’t been waiting for me to be better.

God has been longing to love me deeper — more than I had ever dared to imagine.

An Experiment

You and I don’t have to wait until we are free from perfectionism to start taking new steps.

I have gone through a lot of re-starts in my life.   One thing I’ve found consistent: the voice of perfectionism always tries to stop me.

The newer the step, the louder the criticisms of perfectionism hisses.

It’s become so predictable that I came to a startling conclusion:  the pull towards perfectionism isn’t going away.   On this side of heaven, these critical voices can’t be annihilated completely.

But, I’ve also found a more powerful truth:  the voice of God dares me to step forward anyways, because I am more loved than my imperfection.

Part of being human is experiencing our weaknesses.  But, it doesn’t have to control the choices we make.

I’d done a pretty good job of listening to the voices of perfectionism, I decided to try an experiment.

Just for argument’s sake. What would happen if I started siding with the voice of God’s love?

I did a word study on “perfect” and “love” through the Bible.  I began taking The Love Dare.

Starting Principle #3:  When In Doubt, Take The Love Dare

Using the nuggets I dug up from God’s word, I challenged myself — as a dare — to make choices that reflected my trust in God’s love for me, rather than how I felt about myself.

~~~~~

The Love Dare:

Whenever I get to a fork in the road between my fears and faith, I dare to:

1)  Stop making decisions based on three things: fear of failure, mistakes or others’ opinions of me.

2) Take the step that reflects only one thing: God’s unconditional love for me.

The Love Dare is based on this key verse:

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5b

~~~~~

 

Top 5 Lies Of Perfectionism

As I took The Love Dare, I found some ammo to combat the Top 5 Lies of Imperfection.

Lie #1. I’m not good enough.

Truth #1: So what.  God loves what I’m doing anyways!

“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness… God’s power works best in my weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9, 11:30

Lie #2. It’s too late.

Truth #2: It’s never too late. God saves the best for last!

“Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” ~ Jesus turning water into top grade wine. John 2:10

Lie #3. Why bother starting if I can’t finish?

Truth #3: I don’t know how long this will take. But if God’s in it, I’ll make it!

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Lie #4. People won’t like me.

Truth #4: Not everyone will.  It will hurt, but God still thinks I’m wonderful!

“it is a very small thing that I may be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself… but the one who examines me is the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 4:3-4


Lie #5.
People will hurt me.

Truth #5: Even if that’s true, hurt won’t be my end.  God’s love for me still wins in the end!

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good…” Genesis 50:20

Take The Love Dare

I hope you take the Love Dare, as you find yourself at a fork in the road.

It can happen many times during the day, but remember God’s love will never grow tired or weary.

God’s love goes beyond our limits. And nothing — not even perfectionism — can keep God’s love from you.

Even as I wrote this post, the threats of imperfection wanted to sabotage me.  That’s okay.

I’m going to publish it anyway.

~~~~~

How is perfectionism are holding you back?

How is God encouraging you to step forward?
Pull up a chair. Click to share a comment or subscribe by email.

~~~~~

*** NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — FAITH BARISTA JAM! ***


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Faith Barista Jam Thursdays — I serve up a topic of faith, you write the post. Let’s encourage each other. Add your voice. Swap our stories.

Today’s Topic 5/26:
Share your thoughts on perfectionism.

Share your post by clicking on the blue button below “Add Your Link” or just comment directly.

Next Thursday’s Topic 6/2 :
The power of encouragement.

Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Thanks for serving your personal brews!

Build the Keep Fresh Fresh Community: Grab the HTML Code For Faith Barista Jam Badge

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It’s a jam session. As time allows, say hi & drop a comment when visiting the community faith blends!

~~~~~

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59 Comments

  • Reply Attuning Hearts May 26, 2011 at 4:15 am

    Thank you, That was PERFECT 🙂 for what I needed this morning. I’m at a fork in the road, too. I will take the Love Dare.
    I’m glad you went ahead and wrote it.
    Doug

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:15 am

      Thanks, Doug!

  • Reply The Perfect Ministry is the Kind We Can’t Do | :: in.a.mirror.dimly :: May 26, 2011 at 4:20 am

    […] Thursday series. For more posts on perfection, visit Bonnie’s blog and begin with her post: The Top 5 Lies of Perfectionism. Share and […]

  • Reply ed cyzewski May 26, 2011 at 4:29 am

    There’s another angle to this. I find that I often convince myself that other people are perfect or have their acts together. So if I think of doing something, I can think of reasons why I shouldn’t do it based on other people being better for one reason or another. Perfectionism is something we can project onto others, and it can be just as alienating as the times we project it on ourselves.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:16 am

      Totally awesome, Ed! Ain’t that the truth?!

    • Reply Melinda Lancaster May 26, 2011 at 3:22 pm

      I don’t know if you’ve ever written a post on that, Ed. But if not, I hope you will.

  • Reply Mary M May 26, 2011 at 5:13 am

    THANK YOU for this post. It’s God-breathed inspiration and encouragement to me today! I plan to print it out and post it where I can read and reread it over and over until the truths of God’s word sink deep into my heart.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:17 am

      So blessed you’re here, Mary!

  • Reply Angi May 26, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Perfectionism. What an ugly word.
    The world worships it.
    We Christians must renounce it.

    Perfectionism means I must ALWAYS be right, ALWAYS be perfect.
    My life must reflect perfection or it loses worth.
    My work must be completely fulfilling; my life full of marvellous friends and adoring relations; my home spotless and beautifully decorated and my menus delicious and apparently effortlessly planned; my appearance flawless.

    I cannot allow any imperfection, defect or fault to exist in my life.

    So career moves must ALWAYS be ideal: if they are not, my life is ruined.
    Relational problems are always the other person’s fault, never mine.
    Anything not quite up to ‘magazine standard’ in my home is explained away as a temporary glitch as I plan the next home move or redecorating project.
    Any flaws in hair, clothes or make-up will be quickly rectified.

    I am perfect.

    Of course, I won’t say I am. I will excuse any sense of stress or appearance of becoming – oh, ever so slightly of course – uptight with a sweet little smile and the explanation: “I am a perfectionist, you know,” as I flutter my eyelashes in demure modesty.

    This is wrong.

    Perfectionism DEMANDS perfection. It cannot accept ‘pretty good’ or ‘almost there’ – it must have EVERYTHING. It is all about ME and ignores others. It depletes others of energy, burdening them with the demand that they recognise how wonderful I am – or would be, if circumstances/other people had not ‘done something’ to cause me to be slightly less than completely marvellous.

    Perfectionism is an ugly word. We must see it for what it is, and renounce it. Admitting mistakes and failure is the open door to true spiritual growth.

    Psalm 51:16-18 (The Message) says
    Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you.
    I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.
    Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.
    Or, in the NIV:
    My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

    We need to be broken. We need to fail. We need to make mistakes. We need NOT to be perfect.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:18 am

      Oh, Angi. What words of encouragement here! And that “always” is a bugger! 😉 Thank you!

  • Reply Monica @ In the Whisper May 26, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Wow. I read every new post, but I’ve never left a comment. I just had to this time. This post is PERFECT! I so needed to read the Love Dare and have actual, physical words to apply to my life.

    Ed is so right. Daily I assume the every single other person in the WORLD is perfect, and I am the only loser. Besides being untrue and unfair to them, what does it say about my faith in the only-perfect Christ?

    Thanks so much. I am bookmarking this to come back to regularly.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:19 am

      I felt the same way reading Ed’s comment, Monica. There’s such encouragement to know we’re all in this together! SO happy your sweet voice is keeping me company this am!

    • Reply ed cyzewski May 26, 2011 at 9:14 am

      Thanks! I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets bogged down in that kind of thinking. I suppose the word for what I’m describing is insecurity, eh? At least, that’s what it feels like for me.

  • Reply Lisa Freeman May 26, 2011 at 6:13 am

    Thank you so much. I have started a new path. One that God has been patiently waiting for me to get it. I got it, but I have been facing so much doubt, etc. I know God loves me, but I let the doubt of unworthiness get in the way. I am too old, I am not good enough. I truly needed this to help me. I know I am to stay on this path that God has given me. I just needed a tool to help hold on to Him for my strength. Thank you and God Bless. Lisa

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:20 am

      Dare to act on the loving words of our Father! I know you’ll be as amazed as I am, each time I take the dare. God bless you on your new path, Lisa! Yay!

  • Reply David Rupert May 26, 2011 at 6:14 am

    I am the farthest from a perfectionist you’ll ever find. However, when you scrape behind the wild far flung free wheeling messed up exterior, I’m deathly afraid of the disorder. And, as you aptly point out, it’s because of the fear of what others will see and expect. I’m afraid I’ll disappoint, and so I push to do things i simply am not capable of doing — like lining up my paperclips (great photo!)

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:22 am

      LOL. We’re all really the same at the core – just kids who wanna just play and live this life, as one with our awesome loving Father. So great you’re here, Dave!

  • Reply Kristine May 26, 2011 at 6:16 am

    I think I’ve given into every single one of those lies at least once, if not a thousand times. It’s a wonder a person can even function when you are told those things over and over again – whether its a whisper in your ear or words spoken out loud by people who are supposed to encourage you.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:25 am

      Oh, yeah. For us wordie girls, those sound bites get burned in. After decades, I got tired of listening to them and did the experiment of the dare. It’s scary, but SO amazing & exciting! 🙂

  • Reply Melissa May 26, 2011 at 6:52 am

    I love the way you’ve approached this. Lie/Truth #3 especially hit home for me. I’m learning to be okay with “Good enough” (particularly for things that aren’t crucial) and–as I centered on in my linked post–to remind myself that it’s all about God’s timing, not mine.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:26 am

      Can’t wait to read your post, Melissa! THANK YOU!

  • Reply Dawn May 26, 2011 at 7:13 am

    I cried when I read your post today. It hit me square between the eyes….

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:27 am

      Oh, Dawn! Are you feeling my hug across the miles? … 🙂

  • Reply Lisa notes... May 26, 2011 at 7:18 am

    “God hasn’t been waiting for me to be better.
    God has been longing to love me deeper.”

    Beautiful. And I love the five lies and five truths that counteract them. Just what I need to hear!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray May 26, 2011 at 8:27 am

      Looking forward to sipping your brew, too Lisa! Thank you!

  • Reply deb May 26, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Loved Angie’s post. I struggle with where this miserable adjective comes from. What is the basis for this condition? My only answer is it must be devil driven. I get so full of myself instead of letting God drive my bus…… Maybe sooner than later, I will lay this burden of “perfffectionizzzmm down? Misspelled by choice. Anybody else ready to “let God be GOD?”

  • Reply Beth Werner Lee May 26, 2011 at 8:14 am

    I have been struggling with perfectionism, mine and others’ for quite a while. When I hit 40 I had the strangest feeling like it was time to throw it off because I didn’t have unlimited days ahead, and I was too old to keep rejecting myself! Yet it has been a slow process. Grief and trauma awaited me in the five years following, but also God’s voice and his many signs of love in unexpected places. (You, Bonnie, are one of them, writing shots of faith!)
    Perfectionism slows us down. It gives me a high goal but not the assurance that I’ve reached my goal! I think it may indeed be a form of hate if the antidote is as you say, love.
    My quilting ladies back in CT used to do their best but let mistakes stay, saying ,”only God is perfect.” I learned all I know of quilting from them and partook of their love.
    When I love, am loved, I dance through my days with a song in my heart. Things come to me, whether ideas or food to feed my family (I have a neighbor God has used with unerring timing) words to say at just the right time or stories to tell and write down so I don’t forget. I crochet imperfectly but lovingly, a gift and stitch prayers for the recipient into my work.
    But I am weak. When perfectionism attacks I forget God’s grace and deplore getting everything done. Clutter piles up (yes, right now) and the yarn isn’t touched. Worry clouds everything I do: what to eat, how to get the homeschooling all done adequately today, etc. I am weak, I cannot make things happen, even the good that I want, but I can cry out to God in my weakness that he would make happen the good he wants in my life.
    I am in the middle of it. I cry out to God whose perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18) and his love covers me.

  • Reply Diane Yuhas May 26, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I sometimes find it difficult to rest in God’s joy in me. There’s an old place in my heart where fear lurks. I’m secretly terrified that I’ll be caught in the midst of my inadequacy. If I relax too much, I’ll miss something and then suddenly be found out and rejected. So long as I remain alert, I will not be caught by surprise. But it’s tiring to be hyper-vigilant. I’m well aware, of course, that my shortcomings are all too real and only God is good, yet this tiny fear still grips my heart at times. Who will deliver me from this body of death? Jesus Christ, my Lord. Thank God, thank God for His grace and mercy.

  • Reply kendal May 26, 2011 at 9:16 am

    if you looked at my house or classroom, you woul think that i am NOT a perfetionist! but, in relationships, i want to be perfect. because i believe the lie that i won’t be loved or forgiven if i fail. thanks for this post!

  • Reply Fear, Perfectionism & Love | Melissa Brotherton May 26, 2011 at 9:44 am

    […] & Love Today the Faith Community over at Bonnie’s place are jamming about Perfectionism. I encourage you to take a minute today to check out what others are sharing […]

  • Reply marina bromley May 26, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Great reminders Bonnie!
    I try to not care, but ALWAYS find myself caught up in the “what others think” category. It’s somehow hard for me to remember that “He equips the called” and not the other way around.
    Thanks for sharing!!
    Grace and peace…

  • Reply Katie May 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

    The lies are so familiar to me. I needed the reminder of TRUTH from God. Thank you Bonnie! Not participating in the jam due to time issues. Love what you wrote!

  • Reply The Imperfection of Being Perfect May 26, 2011 at 12:42 pm

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  • Reply HisFireFly May 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    We are indeed ALL works in progress, we can not perfect ourselves, but merely surrender to His hand..
    perhaps the hardest thing we’re asked to do, moment by moment, day by day

  • Reply Glynn May 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    God can’t do much with perfect people. But, oh, how he can change the world with weak, broken ones. Good post, Bonnie.

  • Reply Lindsey van Niekerk May 26, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Oh, girl! Wow! This was SO encouraging to me! The Love Dare….hmmm…did you come up with this? I can tell you that your words were just the thing to challenge me in a couple of “forks” I have been hesitating in lately! Thanks for your obedience to share this post.

    “But, I’ve also found a more powerful truth: the voice of God dares me to step forward anyways, because I am more loved than my imperfection.” – LOVE THIS!

  • Reply Caroline May 26, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    This is powerful: “…to make choices that reflected my trust in God’s love for me, rather than how I felt about myself.” It’s not about me; it’s about Him. And my worries of perfectionism are about me, not Him. I want to just focus on Him. Thanks for this post (and hosting us!), Bonnie.

  • Reply caradeo May 26, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Perfectionism held me back. I am a designer by trade and we are trained to see imperfections. If I could find them all around me then everyone could see them in me so I held back. Until I got over it and decided to just ship or post or do…imperfection and all. I challenged myself to a year of daily sketches that I post on my blog. They are not perfect by any means but God uses them anyway to encourage others. We are after all His imperfect people who He gladly uses to change the world.

  • Reply Melinda May 26, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Praise the Lord for the words he has given you. It has been hard letting go of some things in this season, and take the chance on a road not traveled. I definitely needed to hear that God is gonna love me no matter what may happen with others. Thank you for sharing. God has been glorified. Also, I wanted to rewrite my post too, ha, ha. Birds of a feather:)

  • Reply JasonS May 26, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    Finally getting a chance to respond to your post, but this is wonderfully stated. If we truly accept the love and grace of God then we will not be able to keep from taking steps and moving forward. That love compels us onward. It’s a beautiful thing. Thanks for a great post and encouragement, Bonnie.

  • Reply Monica Sharman May 27, 2011 at 6:36 am

    The part of the love dare I find hardest is about fear of people’s opinions of me. But…I’ll take the dare. 🙂
    And the #4, “People won’t like me”—that hits home, too.
    Thanks for bringing out these thoughts, Bonnie. GOD is perfect!

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  • Reply Rose Ann May 27, 2011 at 11:45 am

    God has supplied renewed HOPE and assurance of his love through today’s post and comments on perfectionism. Thank you for putting into words what has been on my heart for years but has surfaced with a vengeance the last few weeks. I am weary from my continuing struggle with “people pleasing.” Knowing that I am not alone in this is so comforting, especially when others remind me of the TRUTH of God’s promises. Thank you!

  • Reply tinuviel May 31, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Good stuff! Thanks!

  • Reply Brenda Rodgers May 31, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Right now God is dealing with my desire to be perfect. I have to remind myself of this daily: “let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”(Romans 12:2) I want to take The Love Dare so that I can accomplish things that are only possible through Him! Thank you for these wonderful insights!

  • Reply gitz June 1, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    i LOVE this, friend. and it’s so so so true. i found in my life that everything really is a choice, because everything is my reaction to something. i used to look for things to bring me joy, but i’ve learned that if i CHOOSE joy, the things become joyful. i love this dare. i’m taking it with you.

  • Reply mari mayborn June 2, 2011 at 12:12 am

    Oh Bonnie, I’m bookmarking* this post.
    Those five lies dog my path and trip me up…well, okay, they beat me up more often than I care to admit.

    *Yep, bookmarking here is a lot like double-underlining and highlighting a passage in a good book and then dog-earing the page. Thanks for your wisdom, sister, and for avoiding sabotage by holding onto the truth.

  • Reply John June 6, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Bonnie… this is wonderful. Everyone around me says I should write more, and I’ve always resisted due to a deep seeded sense of “imperfection.” Your timely message is greatly appreciated.
    Appreciatively yours,
    John

  • Reply La Wanda Hover June 6, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Bonnie,

    Thank You soo much for sharing, I had been the victom of perfectionism since I was 12 years old. Now at the age of 38, and after three divorces I realize now, that while trying to be perfect I missed the mark every time and then expected everyone around me to be perfect too, and when they missed the mark I would feel as though I had been let down..I have since learned to allow the perfect love of God give me a new outlook on the life that he has given me in Him ” I don’t need to be perfect, God only called me to love “unconditionally” without limits, and that Love starts with loving God, Ourselves and Others “right where, we are…and right where they are..Keep speaking the word of God over yourself, and encouraging others in the Lord !! God Bless You.

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  • Reply Tasha April 4, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Thank you! I’ve been searching loooong and hard for something to give me an epiphany, a paradigm shift. I’ve read all kinds of psychology, self-help books and blogs, anything I could get my hands on – on the issue of perfectionism and how to accept oneself as good enough, something I’ve been struggling with a lot. To the point of falling apart at the seams.
    Being an atheist it never occurred to me to look for help in “this area” 😉
    Then something happened today. I talked to an acquaintance of mine over lunch. She talked about her faith and I had to admit to her that I’d been envious (she called it yearning, not envy :)) of people who believed.
    The conversation was very inspiring and so this evening I decided to modify my Google search. I put in “perfectionism god faith”, and I found my epiphany, my paradigm shift. I can’t describe how relieved and hopeful I now feel.
    Thank you

    Tasha, Croatia

    • Reply Jessica Campasino August 16, 2014 at 6:18 am

      Hello Tasha. I just read your post and I’m just amazed at how God makes himself tangible to those who seek him. I hope your faith has strengthened over the years

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  • Reply Jessica Campasino August 14, 2014 at 5:09 am

    Hello there! I know this was wrote a few years ago, but I just wanted to tell you that your words and transparency had a wonderful affect on my life. God used this little article to open my eyes to something I’ve always known but never believed. For some reason my heart accepted the truth yesterday that Gods love is enough. I don’t need to be perfect first. I can goof up and it’s okay! Of course I’ll always try my best, but wow! What a release:-) This was the line you dropped that changed my perspective and opened my eyes. “I have to stop being a perfectionist!” Can anyone else hear the irony of those words? One of the biggest traps I often fall into is the notion that I can get rid of perfectionism. If only I had more confidence in myself…If only I could let go of the past…If only I trusted God more…If only… All this If-Only thinking accomplished only one thing: keeping me from my Only-Hope of freedom. My focus to overcome my flaws blinded me to the truth. The last sentence made me realize my focus was wrong.
    thank you and God bless you Bonnie.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray August 15, 2014 at 11:31 pm

      i’m so happy that you were able hear in your heart what God has been longing to whisper to you — that you are loved as is. thanks for being here Jessica. your words warm this place.

  • Reply Laura September 22, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    Just stumbled upon this.
    Perfect.
    Perfect, as in, it’s just what I needed.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 23, 2015 at 11:12 am

      I’m so glad your path led you here… for a visit. and even happier you found the words your heart needed to hear. it’s what God knew you needed and I’m so blessed to know that, Laura.

  • Reply { Faith in My Friday } Perfecting Faith June 3, 2016 at 11:55 pm

    […] The Top 5 Lies of Perfectionism […]

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“In a world crying out for kindess and belonging, this is a book needed for our times. Sweet Like Jasmine is a gift, a beautiful remembrance, that God treasures each of our broken hearts in His sweeping story of redemption.” 

– Ann Voskamp, New York Times bestselling author of The Broken Way

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BONNIE IS A TRUSTED VOICE TO SO MANY – FEATURED ON

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Compassion International Blogger

Sometimes it takes more faith for us to enter into a child's story than simply praying that it changes. Experience these stories unscripted.

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