{Photo by Dawn Camp}
I was fine until I had to board a small plane connecting me from Charlotte, South Carolina to Hilton Head Island.
As I climbed up onto the unfolded stairway up into the body of the plane, I felt the weight of my baggage — laptop case hanging heavy on one shoulder and green bag slung on the other side — squeak and shake under it’s load.
My boarding pass told me I was in seat number 9B. That’s interesting. I bought coach. Why am I seated in the front?
It turns out the tiny plane I buckled myself into ends at row 12. I was seated in the back of the plane.
As the plane started taking off on the runway, shaking me with engines roaring underneath, I glanced out my window. I could actually see the propellers of the plane spinning.
I shut my eyes tight, gulped some air and held my breath.
This is not right. I am not supposed to see parts of an airplane this close.
Voices That Rattle
I didn’t know it at the time. But my stomach-turning flight was the perfect way for me to arrive last week at DaySpring‘s Beach Retreat for their (in)courage writers.
I have been living a comfortable, safe life up to this point. I was hurt very badly in community. To heal, God led me into a season of faith, cocooned in layers of fall and winter.
You wouldn’t have been able to tell from the outside that I was wounded. I was highly functioning, manager of delivering high tech products, being responsible with friends and family. Getting things done.
But inside, I had retreated into the safe places.
Quiet anonymity.
Much of the trauma had been around friendships.
Isn’t that the core of our woundings? Relationship?
The experience of relational hurt is a lot like that bumpy ride I had to sit through —
We believe we have a place of importance, up front in someone’s life or in the life of a community. All of a sudden, we find ourselves in the back of the plane so to speak, where we didn’t expect.
We learn that when we get close to others, we become vulnerable. Like the propellers twirling shadows onto the runway, we open up our lives during the choppy rides, as well as our hopes as we chase our dreams upward.
Like engines rattling inside, the voices that have hurt us in those open-heart moments of trial or joy can feel unabating.
Those voices may include our family of origin — our critics — our fears — and even ourselves.
Let me tell you, they speak louder once you dare to fly out and journey to a new place of healing.
They will shout at you and tell you to stay where you are.
They tell you that you are too wounded to be a friend. Too hurt to find friendship.
Don’t listen to them.
Get up and go.
The Voice of a Forever Friend
You and I were made for relationship.
Part of the beauty of the Garden of Eden was continuous connection, first with God, then with others. Before God created friendship, He brought everything beautiful before hand, calling blue skies and the wild green lush of shade to usher in community
The connection with others starts and ends with the Voice of Jesus, the Faithful Friend who always whispers, “Come. I will give you rest.”
How do I find rest in community, when my heart is fighting to hold back? I asked Jesus.
Jesus answered,
“Follow my lead. It is time for you to enter more deeply into my rest — by entering community.“
God’s answer for rest is sometimes an external season of silence and solitude.
This is where I learned —
My true place of safety was with Jesus.
Jesus in me is rest.
Then, there comes a time we are called to launch out in relationship, with the Voice of Jesus nestled deep inside as our rest.
Is Jesus calling you to rest through depending on Him — by entering into community?
Challenge Yourself: Open Yourself To Friendship
Last week, in the backdrop of a beautiful beaches on Hilton Head and the grace-filled women I write alongside at (in)courage, I challenged myself to enter more deeply into community.
Here are 10 Ways I Opened My Heart To Friendship — and what they brought me:
#1. Confess your insecurities.
{Photo by Lisa Leonard}
Lunch was the first group gathering and banana pudding was an exciting event for everyone. Inside, a voice was saying, “You’re an outsider.” Isn’t that silly. Just an innocent dessert, stirring up non-sense.
I admitted out loud that I never had banana pudding, even though everyone was oohing and aahing over this well-loved Southern dessert.
When the jar of yummy yellow was passed around, Lysa turned to me and smiled, “You gotta dig deep and get the cookie. That’s the good part.” I scooped deep and put the most delicious first bite of sweetness into my mouth. Then, I giggled.
#2. Go barefoot and Get 1-1.
Sharing 1-1 time and praying fosters friendship to grow.
Spending time alone with God in whitespace is my comfort zone. So, I invited my friend Holley to walk with me in the moonlight, then enjoyed a time of prayer together. When we first met in person, sharing and prayer were the first things we did. And it has opened up a heaven-sent friendship, even though I’d never been to Arkansas where she lives.
Here’s a picture of us Dawn snapped while we caught up in stitches, overjoyed about our God-sized dreams.
#3. Practice grace by being with others — as you are.
It’s a gift to be yourself with others, as you are. It frees others to let their hair down and enjoy the moment.
When I woke up the first morning, I didn’t know if people were having breakfast spiffed up or in just-woken-up mode. I decided to do what I do at home and mozied on over to the kitchen in PJs. The first person I saw was fully dressed ready-to-go. I heard some new friends just arriving. I blurted, “Oh, no! I’m in my PJs!”
I made a jolt back to the bedroom, when Lisa called out to me, “It’s okay! I’m in my PJs!” Lisa was like sunshine and made me feel right at home. So, I sauntered over to make coffee and went to hug some new friends in my rainbow striped PJs.
#4. Ask Someone about Her Story.
{Photo by Dawn Camp}
Over the course of the next few days, I looked for opportunities to ask my new friends to share their story and just listen. They turn out to be rich times of friendship, even if it’s for a moment. There is a sweet beauty in enjoying someone’s journey of faith and being able to hold it lightly. It’s like taking a walk on the beach and letting the smell of salt and sand linger each time you recall the waves. There is nothing quite like hearing a friend’s voice dip, like seeing Ann’s eyes close, when her story gets deep and beautiful.
#5. Tell Your Story & Keep It Real
When you have a chance, share your story. Where you are at. Where you’ve been.
You don’t have to tell the War and Peace version, but give glimpses that are authentic. Your real story is a welcome mat to the person, inviting them in turn to tell theirs to you.
One evening, as I offered a glimpse into my story, I asked Tsh if she knew where I was coming from. Her eyes got soft and as she began sharing, I received a gift of her story of soul care that brought me more wholeness and encouragement, having heard her journey.
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A heart-felt thank you goes to DaySpring and to Jessica Gardo from Hilton Head Island Chamber of Commerce who hosted the (in)courage bloggers for a respite of dreaming, prayers and friendship. Keep Resort Rentals of Hilton Head Island in mind if you’re looking for a special family vacation. They generously provided beautiful beach front accommodations, while DaySpring took care of everything else.
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How is God calling you to open your heart for friendship?
What is holding you back?
Pull up a chair. I enjoy company and quietly read and reply to comments.Click to share a comment or subscribe by email.
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*** NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — FAITH BARISTA JAM! ***
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Today’s Thursday’s Topic 9/15: Share your thoughts on faith and friendship.
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Next Thursday’s Topic 9/22: Autumn Reflections: Reflect on your journey of faith as you enter into the autumn season. (psst. The first day of fall lands on Friday, 9/23/11.)
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77 Comments
[…] am linking up with Bonnie the Faith Barista for Faith Jam, where we are talking about faith and friendship. Will you join us ? Or leave a […]
Such beautiful glimpses into what makes a friendship. I am so thankful for the women God has brought into my life. He is so good to give me the best that He has for me.
You are a blessed woman to have those girlfriends of yours. Hug them tight, Barbie! 🙂
Okay, I can’t prove this from scripture, but I’m pretty sure Heaven is going to be an eternal beach. How I would have loved to walk barefoot in the sand with so many lovely sisters. Clearly your time with them was both refreshing and Christ-honoring. I especially like the Christ-like way a sister encouraged you to feel welcomed in you pjs!
Nancy, we were just sayin’ we’ll probably have a beach house in heaven. I mean, isn’t that what Jesus mean when He said He’s going to prepare for me— us? 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I long for friendship and fellowship right now. Trust is hard, but I know that it is a requirement. You are a blessing and I love hearing how God is opening new doors in your life–it gives me hope as I look down the hallway and wonder which door will open. God Bless.
Jacqueline, there is definitely no guarantees, but I’m finding God won’t have it any way for me. My hubby says God is pushing me out of my nest. 😉 Let’s jump together, whaddya say? Baby steps.. baby steps. LOL.
Bonnie, I love so much seeing the pictures of you beautiful ladies. I have grown to love y’all through words written from the heart! As much as I love friendships, community is not always easy. The advise you have listed here is wonderful. It’s to the heart and community building! Wonderful!
Aw. You are so sweet. How did I get to be so blessed by someone as sweet and open as you? Let that Jennifer out.. and trust me, many are gonna be blessed. Yes, the real you I’m talkin’ about! xxoo
*Virtual hug* 😉 Thanks, Bonnie, your encouragement is so sweet! Makes sharing my heart a whole lot easier!
Thanks, Bonnie. I feel I could always use help in friendships. 🙂
My favorite is the 1-1 time, but my biggest weakness is asking another for her story. I used to be afraid of being too nosy or pushy.
I’ve found it helpful when I share a bit of my story, then they know I’m not interviewing them. 🙂 Just want to chat. Sometimes, that’s all it is. One-way. but, that’s okay. I tell myself, I’m just cracking the door open if they want to come in and visit. So happy you’re visiting with me today, Monica! *hugs*
As others have said, I really enjoyed this post, and I’ve especially enjoyed looking at all the pictures of you guys in Hilton Head. Your joy shines through in those pictures. It seems as if I can feel the love that you all were sharing in.
It’s like you all are holding out welcoming arms to us….saying come walk and talk with us…be our friends.
I’ve really been blessed with some great friends over the years. I’m so thankful for that. Over the years God has shown me that sometimes He sends me a friend for a season. Either because they needed me or I needed them. It was hard for me at first, when a friend and I would drift apart. Usually it just involved our lives going in different directions. But God showed me that, I was there when they needed me, I them.
He showed me that the prints friends make on your heart are indelible.
I love it when I see an old friend and we pick up like we’ve never been apart.
I love those friendships.
The ones that God fits together.
And while I have had close friendships, and do now….I have a hard time sharing my story. I’ve always considered myself a listener. I’m really good at that. 🙂 Just not so great at opening my heart up for public viewing. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else struggles with this?
Wow…I just intended to tell you thanks for the post, and how great it was. I guess I needed to get that off my chest….thanks for listening.
very nice piece you have there. I see from the pictures that you’all had a wonderful time together. I am encouraged again to adventure into new friendships expecially with recent hurts. Trust is very hard but required for our journey of faith. We all need more grace to be friendly so we can have good friends.
You’ve totally hit the nail on the head. I’ve learned more about giving my grace than anything really last week. Total truth you’re talkin’, friend.
there are always those who are ready to rain on our parade, take away our toys and steal our joy.
In response to your prompt, I wrote about Christian Party Poopers. And I love your advice. “Don’t listen to them”
eNcouraging post — loved seeing all the great writers
Oh, now you’ve got me with a title like that, David! Yes, there are those who like to rain on the parade! Love it ‘cuz you keep it real! 🙂
Just wanted to let you know, I have been SO BUSY and so stressed at work lately that I almost deleted my Faith Barista email without reading it. I’m so glad I didn’t. Your words touched me. I don’t know why it happens that we sometimes feel like outsiders at gatherings when others might be strangers feeling lost as well. Maybe instead of waiting for others to reach out to us in friendship, we need to just take a deep breath, hold onto God’s hand, and be the one to do the reaching.
I’m so glad you connected to community on your trip. It sounds heavenly. I do have friends, but still I tend to spend more time in solitude than I probably should. I am going to make more of an effort to connect with my friends – starting this weekend. Thanks for sharing.
Nina, thank you for these beautiful words — ” we need to just take a deep breath, hold onto God’s hand, and be the one to do the reaching. ” Sounds like Jesus is calling you forward, drawing you to extend a hand of friendship. 😉
Bonnie,
I am so glad I took the time to read through this post. It has been a refreshing view from my window. Thank you so much for sharing your heart in a way that makes each step so meaningful.
Ginger, thank you for peeping in and refreshing my view with your visit and your words! 🙂
Thanks for your transparency and for living out the hope of new seasons. I’ve been disappointed by unrealistic expectations I’ve placed on friends. I’ve withdrawn and only punished myself. God is always willing to draw us out and ask us to again venture into His best for us – to never walk alone. It’s inspiring to see so many women together! Yes, heaven will be wonderful!
oh my goodness, Katie. Your heart is just so transparent. What a blessing. Go easy on yourself now friend. 🙂 It was inspiring to be together with so many grace-filled women and LOVE IT! 🙂
Thank you for your reply. I guess I’m learning that in my situation, in my attempt to be “safe” from getting hurt, I’m missing out on connecting with other women and growing. I can feel like a turtle, stuck in my shell.
Bonnie, girl, I’m missing you like crazy this week! I’m so thankful for your heart, our friendship and the JOY we get to share. Love you!!
I’m going through Holley withdrawal too… Too much! Wish I could come over and slip some dark chocolate 90% cocoa under your door. Love you!
Loved reading this. I could so relate with the wounds that come with our leaps of trust, or as you say, open heart moments.
Learning TONS on the value of solitude at this time as I’m sure I’ll learn again when He calls me to a bigger circle of community. And yet, even the small community of those under our roof holds so many lessons.
PS-Love how you highlighted His words in red. 😉
Marcia – you’re speaking words of wisdom. Enjoy those times of solitude. They are my mainstay still. And I’m so grateful for the fall and winter seasons. A part of who I am forever. It’s a blessing.
I tried to write something to join in with this jam but the words that came were dark and full of loneliness. I think im destined to be on the outside looking in. Thank you for your words and Im so grateful you found your courage to step forward.
Oh, Sara – You are not alone. All of us who walk the journey of faith know the barrenness of winter. It might feel otherwise, but you ARE DESTINED for community. You have been through a very deep sorrow of losing your sweet Livvy, but healing will come. Lord Jesus, I pray Sara can cross paths with a heaven-sent friend. Give her Your peace in the in-between time, that she is completely known and valued by you.
I’m so glad they shared banana puddin’ with y’all. 🙂 Digging deep for the cookie you fit right in.
This whole post was refreshing to my soul. What an incredible time you must have had. Thank you for sharing it with us. For a few moments I was there too!
Oh, yeah. I’ve got my Southern drawl goin’. Really, I do. One of the Southern (in)courage gals, Robin Dance asked me to talk southern to her for a whole conversation and she even asked me to say grace that way too. Did you know, my middle name is Lee? See, my name is Southern already! Love ya’ Lisa!
What a wonderful post Bonnie. Your trip sounds so rich and full. Praise God for the opportunity! What a blessing!
I am so grateful for my Sisters in Christ!
I could say so much, but I’ll just keep it short. Bless you Bonnie! Thank you for the lovely photos and lovely transparent heart-words.
Love,
Beth
Thanks, Beth! looking forward to enjoying your post, friend! *hugs*
It was fun, wasn’t it? And you were a wonderful roommate, friend! Can’t wait to see you at Relevant – to pick up where we left off!
You were the best, Deidra. So good, I couldn’t be quiet and go to sleep. Hey, I did bring earplugs. Complimentary too. Can’t wait to see you at Revelant too. Sisters forever. *hugs*
Your post came at a great time. I have been hurt by two Christian people who I thought were my friends. Since that time I have been telling myself that I’m too busy to have any close friends. That isn’t true, I just didn’t want to get close again. But today I had lunch with a woman I go to church with. We had a good time of fellowship. Maybe I’m ready to have friends again. Great post. Keep up the good work Bonnie.
Lorie, I’m excited about this movement in your heart. God will lead you gently. It took a lot for you to step out and have lunch, friend!
Bonnie, I enjoyed your post and the glimpse of friendship that you experienced at the beach house! Thank-you for sharing your fears and joy. Your tips are encouraging. Friendship involves trust and finding the times and places to reach out is good. (I think God can help us with that as we pray.)
Carol, it’s so true. God lines up the opportunities, but we still have to dare and pray our steps forward to find “time and places”. Love your last parenthetical thought! 🙂
The community and friendships that God’s been calling me to lately, look a little different then most. For a few years I have felt the call to reach out to other females my age (I’m 22). Naturally, I thought this meant a small group, so I set it up, but no one was willing to commit. I was starting to doubt that I was hearing right. In the past couple months, I have learned that I was hearing right but implementing wrong. I have connected with a couple ladies about my age who just need someone to talk to, to bounce things off of and to just have someone to support them. This is not in a small group setting, like I thought it was supposed to be. No, I connected with these ladies through a site that we all follow, and we have been e-mailing back and forth on a fairly regular basis. While I do have friends I meet with each week in person, I truly feel God’s call for me, right now anyway, is to have community through e-mail with these ladies.
I loved this post. Since January I have lost 3 friends, I was doing everything in these suggestions, but these friends weren’t ready for transparency. This reassures me that the way I was attempting to live these friendships is the way God would have for us to go about relationships. Thank you
Amy, friendship is two ways and it take courage to reach out and also let go freely with grace. Thank you for sharing what God has shown you about friendship.
What’s better for women then to be sharing and praying together! Sounds like a beautiful time. But relationships can be so confusing and at times downright painful as you have expressed. I think we all experience that. The key is to trust God for our ultimate fulfillment and reach out again … and again … as many times as it takes to find those soul friends. Reaching out in community!
It was a heavenly time! And I loved how you put it, Julie. Relationships take faith to try again, with God as fulfillment.
Bonnie, I am so grateful for the friendships God has given me… including you faith friend! I just had a girls weekend retreat with my church, where I got to spend time doing exactly what you talked about. I am so grateful to those soul friends God has brought to my life.
Ditto, Katie! 🙂 *hugs* So proud to see God restore soul friends into your life. Makes my heart smile just thinking about it!
I loved reading this post! Thank you for being so transparent in your writing. Even women who appear to have it all together, often have their own insecurities. I know I have mine too. I almost felt like I was right there with you as you described this awesome getaway. How I would have loved to be a fly on the wall just listening in. I’m so thankful to so many of your group as I enjoy many of their blogs and of course …(in)courage and Dayspring.
I’ve been blessed with many friendships. I’m still in touch with many of my friends from Long Island, NY where I grew up. Facebook has been a great place to continue those relationships from a distance. Most of my very closest friendships though have been women I’ve met in church or Bible study. When I get to pray and share and truly love another in Christ, there’s a difference. The Lord has brought many praying women into my life over the years and I don’t know what I’d do without them.
Blogging has also brought many wonderful friendships into my life. I’ve met about a dozen bloggers so far. And I hope to meet many more …
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Will you happen to be at Relevant, Debbie? I just recently made plans to attend. btw, you would not be a fly on the wall if you were there. No, no! You’d be hugged and loved on, ‘cuz you’re a blessing!
Relevant is a conference I would love to go to …one day. I follow many of the tweets and ‘like’ it on Facebook. But since I had to return to full time work, it’s difficult for me to get away. I have fall break in October but I must use that time to visit my dad and family in FL. Maybe next year life will be different and I could attend. I’d LOVE to meet many of the bloggers who participate and one day …I hope to meet you Bonnie.
Debbie. We will see each other one day. For now, this is our cafe. 😉 *hugs*
Hey, you were in our neck of the woods. I’m glad you enjoyed your time. Thanks for blogging about it and reminding me what true relationship is about. I get busy at times and forget to enjoy the moments with friends. Not to sound sexist, but why is it that there are more women that do this than men? Ha ha!
If I ever get to your town, I’ll be sure to come by. I need some Joe and Tina joy! You guys were there, when I was making my way through the tough days of my faith journey. And you ALWAYS made me laugh. You two are just special and incredible friends. I still remember that awesome “single” series tape set you gifted me with. And I didn’t feel offended! 🙂 LOL. Just loved on. Great encouragement, btw!
Thank you for writing this post Bonnie. You have captured some things that I need to learn about making friendships – real, lasting ones. I long for real friends right now….even one real friend. I have sensed that perhaps the incourage community is somewhere that I can meet some amazing women of God and hopefully develop some good friendships. I think what you have written will be helpful to me as I pursue this.
Ashley, that just blessed my heart! You’re always welcome at the (in)courage beach house .. and here! 🙂
You are so on target Bonnie. We are hurt in community and we are healed in community.
Right now, I’m living in the “in-between” of hurt and healed, learning to trust God enough to be able to trust others.
Oh, sweet friend. I know. 🙂 God knows the timing of that in-between time. You’ve been a part of bringing beauty into my soul, with your beautiful poetry and words. When you feel ready, you will be encouraging and blessing new friends — and filling their lives with the gift of *you* too. *hugs*
It’s difficult to make myself vulnerable, but when I do I find it rewarding. The friendships that bud and bloom there become keepers–memories worth reliving on days of darkness. It’s always comforting when people share the same hurts, same burdens and struggles and you can see you are not the only one to ever feel that, do that, or go through that.
That trip sounds like so much fun. Don’t mind me if I feel a little, tiny bit of envy. LOL. Glad you had fun!
Nikole, wish I were near you, so you can take me hunting… Well, first I’d like to learn how to shoot. And then, maybe I can sit at the Hunting Lodge with coffee and a book.. and wait for you to return and tell me all about it! 🙂
LOL. I’d be happy to teach you how to shoot. Anytime. You’d also be welcome at our house to sit and enjoy and relax while drinking coffee. Might even give you a tour of our little town. :o) I will be reading your Sara blog. That’s so hard. I managed to read some of it before I got interrupted. Thinking about you. :o(
I love this blog. 🙂
I love Kristine McGuire. 🙂
I’m so glad you got to enjoy some of SC’s beauty! It warms my heart to know that you and all the (in)courage writers were just down the road.
Oh, you’re a SC gal, Courtney! No wonder you’re so sweet. Southern gals are so hospitable. That’s for sure!
Bonnie, I’m just so glad to know you!
Dawn!! Love, love, love your heart, your art, and your photography! Thank you for capturing the beauty and the joy in all the incredible moments of our (in)courage memories. Your photos speak emotions and vitality. Just.a.treasure. *you*
[…] had just seen Sara over Skype at the (in)courage beach house retreat — five days […]
Hi Bonnie, I am not the outgoing type of person and just yesterday I had prayed to God to bring more Christian friends to my life. I guess asking Him to “bring” is equally important for me to just “be” a friend to another. Thanks for your “tips” — i know sometimes i do have the tendency to stay in the back and just watch things going on. Your post is a nudge for me to step up from my little corner and instead of waiting for God to bring people to me, that I should just be proactive and extend myself to others.
Love reading your posts always!
Take care and God bless you always!
… I was kinda hoping there were 10 ways in your list 🙂
What a great post – it really resonated with me, specially the banana pudding and PJ’s scenarios!
I always worry about what people are going to think…would they really want to be my friend…
I hope somehow you will allow this post to go through. I’ve been a subscriber for a while and love your heart and your writing. I have to say that, as a pastor’s wife, I’ve now found it impossible to have close friends. The last 2 close friends I’ve had have treated me and the church terribly. I made it a promise to myself that I would NEVER allow anyone outside of my family and the one true friend I have left enter my life again. It’s way too painful.
[…] A couple weeks ago, I dared to enter back into community in a big way. I flew South to Hilton Head, SC to join 24 other DaySpring (in)courage writers on a beach retreat. […]
I liked your article “10 Ways I Opened My Heart To Friendship” but there are only 5 ways. What happen to the other 5?
good advice. just be loving, genuine and honest. can’t get better
I love the blog that you post..That trip sounds like so much fun. Thanks for sharing your beautiful photos together with your freinds.. God bless always!
[…] Where is home for you these days? For more stories on faith and friendship…click on over here […]
[…] For more stories on faith and friendship…click on over here […]
[…] For more stories on faith and friendship…click on over here […]