It’s been a week since I confided in you.
It’s been a week — since I’ve let you into my writing journey that’s collided with childhood trauma and post-traumatic stress.
And I can’t believe I’m really still here. Writing.
I thought for sure you were going to turn away. I swore I heard people clicking “unsubscribe” by the masses, even before I finished writing. I imagined people whispering to each other, “Oh, you know that Bonnie? …”
But you didn’t turn away.
You stepped out to stand beside me, to call me friend and welcome me back with open arms.
You steadied my steps, as I crossed the street.
And with great kindness, you left the anonymity of where you were standing — to step into my shoes — into my heart — to tell me you are here.
You came to walk alongside me.
Even as I was weak and trembling, you told me my voice still reached you.
What I Expected
You emerged to tell your stories — some already unfolded — others still unfolding as we speak.
So many of you courageously opened your heart. You took the time to write a comment, send me an email, tweet or Facebook me. Still, countless many joined hearts and prayers for me quietly behind keyboards and smartphones.
I wasn’t looking for any of this. In fact, I expected silence. Awkward silence.
You say that I am brave. But, I felt the opposite writing to you so unfinished, the bones of my frames standing bare. I couldn’t sleep the night before it published. Anxiety and fear tossing and turning me restless.
You see, there was a time in my twenties, I was a girl with a wild heart for Jesus, fearless with only dreams in her eyes. I ventured out into the mission field by leaving the safety of my Silicon Valley career. But when I returned unexpectedly, I returned with more than I left. My bags were packed full of unexpected hurt and betrayal.
When I tried to open them up to friends back home, I was met with silence. Disappointment in their eyes. I could see it — I was no longer the happy Bonnie they’ve always known. They didn’t know what to say. I only had questions, but they were only comfortable with simple answers.
The words they did offer left no space for the Bonnie who was uncertain and confused. I was no longer useful. My faith journey did not fit into their idea of what a God-filled life ought to look like. And their silence left the pit of rejection deep within me.
That experience taught me not to trust myself — or others — with the parts of me that are unfinished.
The Brave Ones
Their rejection launched me into a season of hiding — for many, many years. Until God led me to people who knew the faith journey because they lived it — and were continuing to live it. Their love and friendship — soaked in a common love for people, the Scriptures and Jesus — brought me back to life. I entered back into ministry, but I was very measured in what I would risk.
So, when I stood at the curb last week — prompted to come out of hiding about my childhood trauma and PTSD — I was indeed more than resistant. I was crossing into a land I had once visited that was full of pain and rejection. That land is the truth of my pain and vulnerability.
I fought against self-preservation. I thought if you looked into that place of empty, you would reject me. And I would be alone.
I braced myself.
Instead of silence, you clothed me with your own vulnerability. You accepted me, when you could have easily stood at a distance.
You’ve changed my story.
Yes, you — the brave ones–
— the ones whose hearts are big enough to hold the mystery of pain and faith;
— the ones who have asked the hard questions and touched the place of empty;
You have changed my story.
By meeting with me here in the dark.
By joining me in this place of faith.
— to see me as the Bonnie I truly am
— to hear the beginnings of my full voice
and still invite me to speak more again.
You gave me courage to walk straight into this place of empty, to stay and see. Where will Jesus take me?
You Are The People
The night before I went to see Dr. P again, I was filled with fear. On one hand I was joyful that I crossed the street, with so many faith friends to encourage me. But, the darkness of my childhood trauma pressed in tighter.
I experienced a heavy rash of anxiety attacks immediately. They had subsided for a period before I wrote, so their resurgence throughout the night frightened me. What will happen as I continue to write?
As I lay on my bed, torn by contradicting feelings of peace and panic, I cried out to Jesus, I don’t know what to do. Going back into hiding was not an option any longer. But, I was afraid to keep moving forward.
Jesus answered me by bringing me to a scene from the Apostle Paul’s life. Paul was living as a tentmaker, while trying to preach the Gospel in the new city of Corinth. People were not appreciative of what he had to say, to say the least. Paul was rejected. I guess in today’s Christian circles, his missionary stint would be considered a disaster.
Then, this passage of Scripture came to mind — Acts 18: 9-11 —
And the Lord said to Paul in the night by a vision, “Do not be afraid any longer, but go on speaking and do not be silent ; for I am with you, and no man will attack you in order to harm you, for I have many people in this city.” And he settled there a year and six months…
The Message puts it this way —
One night the Master spoke to Paul in a dream: “Keep it up, and don’t let anyone intimidate or silence you. No matter what happens, I’m with you and no one is going to be able to hurt you. You have no idea how many people I have on my side in this city.” That was all he needed to stick it out. He stayed another year and a half, faithful…
My dear, dear faith friends.
You are the people God has in “this city”.
You are the people on God’s side in this place I’ve journeyed into.
You have spoken. You have not stayed silent.
Many of you have written to tell me you are praying for me. I am confident you are. For I have indeed needed your prayers.
You’ve Changed My Story
You’ve changed my story because you’ve met me here in this place.
I can stay in this place, to write when I can and what I can.
Thank you for giving me the grace to gather my full voice, one small timber at a time.
Thank you for pulling up a chair and sharing your faith journey — to open up your heart — and speak as friend to mine.
Because of you, we have found new faith friends in cities all over the world. Not because I am anyone of significance, but because you belong to our loving Master Jesus. You have been living lives of faith. You have been placed in different cities, and He is using you to love on those around you. Simply by living your lives in the open, touching one heart at a time.
Reading your voices in the comments move me so deeply. Isn’t it beautiful? This mosaic of pain and faith, all forming the face of Jesus.
Do you see Him?
I do. In you.
The Usual and The Quiet
You’ve launched me into my next phase of healing. And I thank God it will include writing.
Some days, I’ll tell you stories about this journey of healing. God has used a small circle of people to carry me to the point of last week. I hope to introduce you to these special friends in future posts. They have forever changed my life because they have stood quietly and tirelessly by me through this maze of confusion.
They have been doing the hard work of listening, staying and accepting me as I am, without the need to “make everything better”. These are the ones who know that being faithful is the hard work of serving Christ. They are the wise ones who kept my feet to the fire of healing, when I could have easily returned to the easy way of retreating.
I am standing here with you because they did not leave me when I was most desperate. I had to lean into their faith for me, when I felt sure mine wasn’t strong enough. And I can’t wait to share their words encouragement to me, with you.
But, I don’t want you to think this blog is getting hijacked by the topics of anxiety and PTSD either. I’ll be sharing my personal story through the lens of the spiritual journey I’m on and exploring the questions of faith that arise through this experience.
The Faith Barista bar is now open. Which means I’ll be serving up the usual Faith Barista brews too — encouragement through devotionals, Bible Espresso’s, Worship Smoothies, Book Review Latte’s… you know. The usual.
And yes, some days, I will want to just be quiet. I know you understand why now. Thank you for the grace to write this way. I don’t know where all this is heading. Knowing I have the space to be quiet gives me permission to be free in all this.
The Next Time
So the next time you find yourself wondering why our Master has you walking through a certain place of faith — know that He has you there for a purpose.
You are on His side. And He has many people in all cities.
God uses your faith in all seasons.
I know this.
Because He’s used your faith to change my story.
Oh, one more thing before I leave this post. Your prayers for me were heard by our Jesus last week in my therapy session with Dr. P. We uncovered a very big breakthrough — that only surfaced when I finally chose to write and enter fully into the place of empty. I will have to wait to tell you all about it. Because you know. I’m still putting the pieces together.
Thank you, dear friends. I’m so, so very grateful for you.
I’ve read each and every comment. You can be confident I’m remembering you in my prayers, thinking of where you are on your faith journey — with thanksgiving and much affection.
~~~~~
How is God prompting you to step out and share pieces of your story?
How has God changed your story because of a faith friend?
Pull up a chair. Click here to share a comment.
Aaah… I’m just so happy to hear the cafe door swing open…and see you here, my friend.
~~~~~
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89 Comments
Therein lies the miracle, friend! The gifts just unravel like when a kitten plays with yarn. Truly, the dropping of the precious yarn (your story), gives room for you to receive the joy of love. How, love for you can be received when you open the door of your heart, invite truth in and give Him an opportunity to speak of purpose.
And one more thing…I’m most certainly with you. And I anxiously await how He will use this story to bring you even closer to His love…to see the beauty that comes of all of this. It’s His courage in you, friend. His amazing grace. {hugs} and much love.
Thanks, Amy!
Oh Bonnie, it blesses my heart to read your words. I’m so thankful to see prayers bring answered on your behalf. Keep looking ahead. Jesus is there leading your way. The prayers will continue to be lifted for you from my dot on the map. Looking forward to reading updates about your leaps forward in this journey.
So wonderful to have your voice here, Tracey. Blessings to you on your journey too!
Bonnie-
I am so amazed by how honest you are throughout this. And I am incredibly grateful that you have begun to write again. We are all so broken in this world, and when we begin to let people see the brokenness, there is healing available for everyone who wishes to seek it.
I have been on my own faith journey this past year. My husband and I just recently celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary; no small feat. For 8 years, he was an active alcoholic. Right before our 3rd child was born, he began his journey of recovery and got sober. A year after his initial sobriety, I realized that I was still miserable, and couldn’t put it all together. In fact, I realized I was more miserable than ever. That’s when my journey occurred. With the help of Al-Anon and my rededicated faith, I am healing a little at a time.
Today I can say that I am so grateful that my husband is an alcoholic. Without his journey, I wouldn’t have found faith as I know it now in our Savior. Although I would have told you I was a Christian before, I didn’t know Him. I am still broken and wounded and there are still major moments of hurt, but I don’t fear life the way I used to. God is with me every step of the way.
I have realized that it was all a part of my journey. So just as I laid awake many nights crying myself to sleep wondering “Why?”, I now know that I had to go there to get where I am now. And this is a beautiful place…not perfect at all, but beautifully messy and redeemed!
We all have a story. We all have a journey. God can work wonders in our lives if we just let Him!
Thank you, Bonnie, for your words.
Melissa
Wow, Melissa! So beautiful to have your story here for everyone to see. Praise God for all He’s brought you through!
Bonnie,
Thank you for sharing your journey – it has nudged me along on mine! My prayers and thoughts are with you as you continue to explore and grow in the warmth and love of Jesus.
We’ll keep nudging each other along! Thanks, Dee!
Oh, Bonnie! I love you so much. We are His kids, and while I never had siblings in the natural world….and always had wished for them, I was thrilled to discover how big our Father’s family truly is. You will never know just how much YOU have encouraged ME in my journey. I have experienced much healing in all of this and I’m sure there is more to come, but the most wonderful thing I have discovered is that He can be trusted and He is most surely always with us. This past weekend I saw once again just how much He is with us even when we think our prayers are going unheard. He showed us how He has been working in the background……answering prayers. I hope your day is very blessed today.
So true. There’s no other way to describe the sisterhood here… Thanks JLynn.
I had a dream less than an hour ago….the kind you have just before waking for the day….but definitely not one to usher me gently and happily into consciousness. I was on my knees, head down, with such an intense need to release grief. It gathered momentum from my gut and started to pour out in choking sobs and somehow I knew it was a dream, and that it was safe to let it all go. But because of the intensity of emotion finding its way out, I found that I could not breathe. No air was getting in to my lungs and I was forced to silence my cries in order to survive. I woke up feeling muted and cut off from my own anguish once again. Normal.
I hope to find the same courage….or whatever it is you found……to peel the saran wrap off my heart and embrace the consequences of being vulnerable. I’m following close behind you…..
Julie,
Thanks for sharing your dream. So symbolic and so deep. I feel for my own reasons I can empathize. I’ve been forced to silence my “voice” really my writing for self preservation and survival reasons. And now it lies dormant inside and I am literally mute and cut off from my own self in order to function and protect myself. I pray, like you, that He can “peel the saran wrap off my heart and embrace the consequences of being vulnerable.” Thanks for sharing.
Oh, Julie. I have been experiencing the same thing. And when it grew in intensity and frequency, I knew I had to do something different, to find friends and a professional who I can lead me through to safety. It’s really scary as it’s happening, because it just surfaces. You and I, we’ve carried way too much for way too long. The only way is out is making the choice to heal… I’ll share as much as I can. I’ll be thinking/praying for you as you search the next steps.. know that I am.
This makes me so so happy! I’m so grateful for you, Bonnie. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again even louder (you’ll have to imagine that part): your vulnerability is a big encouragement to me. I’m struggling through the questions, and have, in many ways, thought I was wrong for not having more faith. Then you remind me that He is in the questions, and that it’s okay to be weak. *hugs*
Oh yeah. The fear of not having enough faith to make it through is the darkest part of the battle. It’s a lie that the enemy loves to throw underneath walk to trip me up. Struggling through the questions IS evidence of a new faith God is growing in me. Do I trust Him enough to really face the questions I’ve always run from? Love you much, Jennifer!
Bonnie! I am so glad you are on the road to healing and still writing in this space! I recently learned about Mary DeMuth’s writing, and it has been nudging me to write my own story. For now, the bulk of it is in private while I work through my own trauma anew. But, I feel prompted to use my blog to share encouragement for women through what God has done and is doing in my life. Blessings and continued prayers to you!
That’s awesome, Mandy!
Your words are healing in my place of seeming isolation. God’s grace in His healing touch and His Word & my son as i delight in absolute joy in raising him are what nourish me. I remind myself that a ‘tree in the desert is still a tree’ & my roots do run deep enough to be fed in this period of drought.
Childhood trauma torn anew with a trigger at a certain stage/age makes sense now. Thank you foe your timing – couldn’t figure it; keeping a good Christian smile and feeling pushed out to sea at the same time. Wow. My prayers and love stay with you.
Soli Deo Gloria
Sweet Alicia — nodding my head.. with you right where you are. 🙂
Dearest Faith, As I read and cried through your Thank you this morning I thought of the verse John 15:7 ” If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.” I cried out a thank you to the Lord this morning for holding you in his arms and comforting you. Yours in Christ’s love, Jan
Oh, the precious tears of a friend and sister-in-Christ! Hugs to you, Jan!
Love you so much, friend. This is one of my favorite posts of yours ever.
Really… I am amazed. You are a gift from God I love opening time and again, Holley!
Bonnie, this post makes me so, so happy! I am so thankful that you feel surrounded by love, that you are back to writing – and also, that you feel free to be silent here when needed. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly here with us again – we love you. I have been praying much for you – you are deeply loved by God, and by many many friends. I will be waiting expectantly to see all the ways that God is going to bless you as you walk through this time – and in turn, all the ways that He will bless and encourage others, including me, as we walk this journey with you. Thank you for sharing your heart with us …
Dear Cherry, my eyes water and my soul wells up with emotion hearing your words here… I feel like you’re opening up the door at your sweet home, inviting me in. I see you, our eyes meet. And instantly, my heart knows that your heart knows. Thank you so much for praying for me. I have needed it in ways I never knew I could need so deeply. In sisterly embrace.
Thank you so much Bonnie. You ars such an inspiration to me. I am also trying to work through the hurt and pain in my life. I find myself forgetting that i am not alone in this even if it feels as though i am. I don’t have to sink into the feelings of worthlessness or defeat. I don’t have to look towards outside things to improve my worth to myself or prove my worth to others. I am most definitely praying for you and this journey. I so look forward to the freedom of the other side for you.
Even when you feel yourself sinking into the feelings of worthlessness or defeat, think about me if it helps. Know that I’m right there next to you, learning to stay along enough in that place — to turn my palms up to call out for Jesus to carry me, so I can feel His comfort in that very place. Let’s keep remembering each other — and in that way, know we are truly not alone, even in those dark times. Thank you Teresa for opening your heart here.
Dear Bonnie – Your last post is the first one I’ve ever read. It was shared by a friend on Facebook and after I read the whole thing I instantly subscribed. I have walked down my own road of childhood trauma and PTSD and can so relate to all that you are sharing and working through. I have walked in your shoes and know the isolation, fear, uncertainty and pain that is a part of the journey. But I know too the freedom that is gained and the peace that prevails when you are further down the path and God has worked, as only He can do, to heal the places in your soul that were wounded and scarred by experiences from the past. As I wrestled through my own issues, I came to realize that God had brought things to the surface because I was finally strong enough to face them. I looked stronger and a lot more together when everything was buried but in reality… that is when I was the weakest. I will be reading, praying and continuing to heal right along with you. May you find the courage to face all that comes your way knowing that God is at work to set you free. Thank you for sharing and letting us be a part of your journey. Blessing to you my new friend!
Dear Judy, you ARE my new friend. Every thing you shared here from your heart has been hard fought and hard won — and it is worth gold. Because it speaks to my heart and I know you know where I’m at. and others who read this will also know they are known. I’m going to share a quote from your words on my FB page now.
Here is a poem God gave for times like this:
WONDERINGS
Barbara A. Irwin
©February 27, 1998
Lord, You allowed it; where do I start?
Search, test, try me – see the pain in my heart.
You say that You’re sovereign in all You do;
Because I hurt, though, it’s hard to trust You. –
How can I trust You, You’ve let such pain
Come into my life… Do I serve You for gain?
Do I trust just because You’ve been good to me?
Can I depend on You in adversity?
Will You take me through this darkness of soul,
Keep me close to Your heart, heal and make me whole?
Can You help me through life’s worst, or just its best?
Where are You now? How can I find Your rest?
I know I’m in a very dark place –
I find it hard even to seek Your face.
I don’t want to hear one platitude,
Or comforting word, though I feel quite rude.
What is the point of all this, I ask?
And where is the strength to put on my mask?
Others expect me to endure with grace,
Expressing peace with my words and my face.
Lord, I can’t be Super Christian, You know.
I’m too tired; I can’t put on a show.
Surely, Father, You can’t want me to be
Just who I am – how can that set me free?
You mean, Lord, that I should tell You the truth?!!
Tell You I’m angry, feel this pain’s of no use?
I can’t be real because I’m a Christian;
Lord, I have to maintain my position! –
You say broken hearts are what You desire,
That You can mold us while we’re in the fire?
Father, that gives me a small ray of hope. –
Lord, does this mean I don’t just have to cope?
You mean in spite of this big haze of pain
I can come through with some wisdom I’ve gained?
Is there a dawn at the end of this night? –
If so, please bring me out into Your light.
Barb,
thank you for sharing this poem – it touched my heart.
Thank you Barb for taking the time to share your poem!
Great poem barb! I’m forwarding it to some “recovery” friends who are also going through the fire right now. This whole blog is such a blessing. I’ve already recommened it to several others.
I want this poem to help express our feelings to our Lord. Share wherever it helps. I am coming back into a season of more active ministry with more questions than ever as I continue to recover from the latest big thing–a serious stroke I had four years ago…
Oh Bonnie, your writing already sounds freer and your voice sounds stronger! Keep leaning into the wind! You’re doing just fine, and God is with you all the way! So are we!! Love you, Girl!!
Thanks, Shaunie!
He is using my voice to tell my story in several ways:
-Writing a new blog I haven’t launched yet, and book.
-Encouragement when brought face to face with those behind me on the path of healing as I encounter them.
-The new opportunity to speak in behalf of the local pregnancy support center, and counsel women there.
-Public testimony in my church and prayers of intercession
Each time I face a measure of fear, but I cling to this verse Rev 12:11:
They overcame by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.
Melinda, may God continue to free your voice, in all the ways God is calling you to speak.
Beautiful. It does take courage. So many of us don’t even know what that looks like. Love and hugs Bonnie!
Sweet Sandy, thanks for stepping out to be a warm welcome to me that morning and here now. Yours was the first tweet I saw that morning as Hootsuite loaded up. What a cool crisp of encouragement your voice is. A warm squeeze and love to you, Sandy!
Thanks be to God, Bonnie, for your story, God’s grace, and the breakthrough he gave you this week.
Just this morning I was reading this from The Message:“In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.”
So thankful for the way God has been moving in you to let go of life as it was, for the grace he’s giving you to endure the pain of being split wide open, and for the new life resurrecting.
May he multiply your words for the healing of many. Hugs.
Nancy, THANK YOU for posting this verse from The Message– the words “reckless”, “real” and “eternal” really spoke to me. Split wide open. Yes.
i am so thankful you were met in that place with safe, loving arms. that you were surrounded and carried.
and you, beautiful bonnie, are a brave one.
Hi Alece, thank you for being here to meet me in this place now. Surrounded and carried. That is how I am feeling — I see only the sky above me and I am having to trust where I’m being carried is indeed a place of safety. and you, beautiful Alece — the girl living a tender and strong story — are a brave one, coming alongside me now.
bonnie you are one brave girl! i too have things from the past to deal with and am having trouble going “there”. you have encouraged me to keep pressing forward even though i am fearful. anxiety is not a fun thing. i am glad to see you have not let that stop you from seeking the answers you need to emerge from your trauma as a healthier person. go bonnie!
Oh Bonnie! I am praising God for the breakthroughs you have experienced and for those still to come. Happy to pull up a stool beside you at the counter and share in a cuppa with you, the stronger the better – no reason to hold back. The body of Christ is a family, after all. Blessed to be in it with you, sista. Love to you, friend <3
“the stronger the better — no reason to hold back” I just love you, dunlizzie. I need you here at the counter… your fearless heart that can look into that empty place with me and be courageous in prayer together. So many words behind this thank you from me to you! Yes, family. Much love to you, sweet friend!
Bonnie, I thank you for being so open, so honest, so vulnerable with us.. your openness to your brokenness will, I think heal some of our hearts. This journey we are on hurts, but to not be so all alone helps. One day in the beginning of my storm, I was calling out to God (in my car on my way home from work) : I too, cried to God, “I don’t know what to do? tell me what to do!” and quietly I heard: II Chronicles 20:12 . ..as soon as I got home I ran to my Bible and this is what I read: “We don’t know what to do, so we look to You for help.” so, I try to look to Him . . .always. But sometimes, how I wish He was louder, or used e-mail. Some days the hurt is so deep. Sometimes I hide.
This is something written recently:
A Mother’s Pain”
You might see me smiling,
but what you don’t see is that I’m screaming behind that smile.
You see me going on with everything, work, groceries, life in general,
what you don’t see is that it takes every ounce of energy to breathe.
You see me sitting alone with my thoughts,
what you don’t see is that I’m talking to him.
You hear me say “I am fine,”
what you don’t see is that I am broken inside.
You see me and think “she’s back to normal”,
what you don’t see that there is no normal for me anymore.
You see me and think, Oh God I hope this never happens to me,
what you don’t see is that as much as I long for you to understand me…
I hope this never happens to you either.
You see me laughing and joking with others
and think she must be “getting over what happened”
what you don’t see is I can never get over this.
You see me sad and you don’t know what to say,
so you keep going, what you don’t see is that all I really want
is for you to ask how am I really doing and give me a hug.
You see that life goes on, what you don’t see
is that the life I had will never be the same again.
You see that I am strong.. do not be deceived,
what you don’t see is that I am weak and weary,
and some days I’m on the edge. What you see is a mask.
. ..a lie, the mask helps you cope with me and myself,
what you don’t see is the raw unbearable pain.
you could never understand anyway unless you walk a mile in my shoes….
God Forbid.
I don’t want to be in that mask. I don’t want to hide. I pray that in this journey we can grow together. So, thank you, for being brave. and for when you aren’t. You are a blessing.
Wow. Susan. What a fearless passion you’ve shared with us. thnk you for posting.
tears at how beautiful you are ~ now why do you have to live so far away?? Bonnie, you have said more here than I could ever imagine to share in my lifetime…God’s love surrounds you in everything you are..Much love to someone I’ve never met, probably never will, but somehow feel a connection to..thank you just doesn’t seem to be enough..God is sooo good.
We’re meeting here where it most matters — in the places of the heart. Hugs to you, Patricia, my friend!
Oh, friend (can I call you friend? we’ve never met but reading your words and hearing your heart and connecting through our stories makes me feel like I know you, even if only in this space), I’m not going anywhere. Because so many people have stood by me, loved me through my own mess, walked with me on the difficult journey of healing, I’m not about to leave you either. And, even more so, He, our Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals, is not about to leave you or forsake you either. There really is freedom in sharing the messy parts of our story, because we find we are not alone and that in sharing our own stories God can use it for His glory. God continues to prompt me to share my story, because, really it’s more than just my story…it’s HIS story being written in my life. So, as scary as it is, I keep on writing, as long as He continues to call me in this way.
Just beautiful Stephanie! You, your words, your story — your heart! Yes, friend — we are meeting in place that matters most — our hearts.
I wish I was there when you returned home and tried to open up to friends and was met with silence. I would have yelled out, “I love you no matter what, Bonnie!” for all to hear. No matter what you are going through, know that you are unconditionally loved and accepted by me and others who have been showing you love here, even though some of us have not had the privilege of meeting you face to face, yet. The love of Jesus will get you through this. Sending you lots of hugs and praying that God surprises you with something loving and encouraging today.
Christine, I wish you were there too — ! 🙂 But, you’re here now and for that, I’m so grateful.
/Users/Mel/Desktop/Ely/Dare to Dream.png
Just a humorous thing….when you were away all that time, I thought something was wrong with my spam filter! I wondered where your emails were going!
🙂
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. It’s as if we were sitting across from each other sharing a cup of caramel macchiato. You write with so much feeling. Don’t stop. This is your outlet and I believe a part of your healing. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Your friend in Christ.
We are… yes, I smell your caramel macchiato rising to meet my hazelnut cappucino. Thank you for being friend to me, Lynn.
Hi Bonnie….I’m brand new to FaithBarista….infact, about 6 months into Incourage also… but I need to say that your devotionals touch my heart and when I read yours last week in incourage then went over to this site to sign up…..anyway, I feel bad but in your sorrow the LORD has used you to touch me….I have passed on your writings to others who are experiencing very similar situations as yours, mine and all they can respond is OMG!!!!!….since we dont know oneanother all I do want to pass on to you is that I will add you to the “prayer circle” my cousin & friend & I have to pray…..to seek our LORD JESUS on your behalf…..You have a beautiful gift in writing & also the gift of being obedient inspite of you which is also a beautiful gift…..HIS richest Blessing upon you!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your steps on this journey He’s place you. I really appreciate the verses about Paul at the end of your blog. I will take those and meditate upon them because I can hear Him speaking to me too. May He give me the courage to do what He is asking me to do, and even if I am afraid, may the Holy Spirit be my strength to begin writing again no matter what the response may be.
Take one step at a time, write one page at a time, feel one new feeling, then trust in God for the rest of your courage and strength.
You are on a good path and that will only keep getting better, remember the only way out is through.
So glad you’ve reached a break through! Since you asked, God has been prompting me to tell my story. We’ve been in the process of adopting for 19 months or so. We finally were able to move the little boy into our home this past weekend, marking the final stage of the adoption. It was all that my heart had been waiting for, but instead of feeling elated I felt one thing- fear. I was so happy to be able to reach out to the friends in my blogging community and share with them how I’m living in faith through the fear. Wishing the same continues for you. 😉
Dear Bonnie
As I read through the comments on this post I am filled with the wonder of the love others hold for you. Yet I ask myself the question what words can I add that hasn’t been written.
I’m going through a period of not feeling good enough and for you I want to be good enough.
So many times you have lifted my heart, your words have struck deep into my soul like a healing balm through my body.
Your post last week was so incredibly brave and it made me love you more. You trusted us all with your heart and I prayed others would wrap it up and cherish it like the precious one it is.
I’m so excited for you on this breakthrough and I pray for your strength as you face the past to protect your future.
Words seem not enough for me to tell you how much I admire and love you. Xx
Hi Bonnie,
Thank you for being brave enough to share your brokenness. We are all broken in some areas, and can relate. I am praying for you in this new leg of the journey. One thing the Lord showed me years ago during my husband’s long illness comes to mind: “The sheep aren’t responsible for running the ranch.” The Shepherd is in charge, and He knows where He’s leading you. It’s a privilege to be able to walk alongside of you.
“I look to the Shepherd — He meets all my needs;
beside the still waters He faithfully leads,
bringing peace to my soul, as His love makes me whole.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, follow me,
all the days of my life;
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, all my life.
And when in the valley of deepest despair,
I look to the Shepherd — His presence is there,
bringing peace to my soul, as His love makes me whole.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, follow me,
all the days of my life;
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, all my life.” – Walt Harrah.
In Him, Ann
Bonnie, You are so brave to walk through the darkness to find the light. I love you friend and am continuing to pray for you. Lifting you up in prayers. Jesus using community to help bring healing in so many ways.
Bonnie, what a beautiful gift you have for writing and “sharing from the heart” … as I read through your “soul searching post” with tears in my eyes … I was blessed by your heartfelt caring thoughts … God is using you in a very unique way to reach out to so many … may your journey give you the Peace you are seeking as you follow His Will and yes, Faith is the Victory in Jesus … He will see you through each step of the way … His Way … Blessings, to you … my Sister in Christ … Looking forward to sharing this journey with you and praying for you as we journey together …
This one made me so move and emotional. Tears welled up my eyes from start to finish and I felt warmth all over. And when you said: The Faith Barista is now open, I heard a yipee inside me. I am cheering you on. (It is as if a resigned eagle told me: I am ready to fly again).
You see I too had a different expectation. I clicked the button to be subscribed expecting to be just a reader and see how God would be speaking to me. But your writings are so raw and so real that I just can’t help but write my comments and affirm and validate what you are saying. For your journey is actually every woman’s journey although in different forms, shapes, and sizes for each one of us according to the plans and purposes God has for us.
Then I read the comments of others and I am but compelled to pray for these precious ones who have their own riveting life stories to live and tell. Indeed, vulnerability and openness beget vulnerability and openness. Thanks to your example Bonnie. Thanks for making it real and authentic in this time and era of the superwoman. (Hence this note: Personally I don’t mind the silences because in spite of it all I know the bar is just here. The Master Chef and his manager are ‘cooking’ something.) So yes Bonnie we’d rather be God’s women in our cities or wherever that place may be. So too at the present time there is a remnant, chosen by grace, Romans 11: 5.
It is safe for me to say then that I clicked a button and found a community not of ‘perfect’ people but of diamonds in the rough just like me whom I want to encourage: We are all going to make it and those we love. Because our God is unconditionally committed to us. Soli Deo Gloria.
Well for this month, the prompting to step out and share pieces of my story came from my pastor Louie Giglio. You MUST download Sunday’s (7/22/12) sermon (Passioncitychurchdotcom)! It ranks as a Top 5 sermon I’ve heard in my life, and that’s coming from a cradle Baptist 🙂 We are in a Love 30/30 challenge. You were my Day 1 challenge 🙂 Not that it’s a challenge to share the Grace that’s been imparted to me! We all are indeed ragamuffins. It saddens me but saddest of all, doesn’t shock me, to hear of past rejections within the walls of supposed sanctuaries. Within those times, we learn where our Real Sanctuary is. Religion can mess us up when we are our messiest. Wounding at the hands of those called to be His can be the most painful & confusing woundings of all sometimes. But there is Grace. Those who’ve been Graced, will spread Grace. Keep leaning in this desert place beloved shulamite daughter. He has you right where He wants you. You too will say Ann’s words, All’s Grace. You are a God designed, purpose intended, significant, lavishy LOVED, daugher of the King of the universe!
I’m going through a similar journey right now. After my husband passed away in April, I found myself facing some issues which had never been dealt with. I took a “brave step” (Holley Gerth) on Saturday and found myself in “the place of empty” (Bonnie) on Sunday. Thankfully, I read your blog which verbalized exactly where I am. Thank you for writing that blog. Yes, you are getting some help now, and I am also getting help.
God’s continued blessing on you, girl.
Just now catching up on reading blogs and had to come over and tell you how brave you are for sharing and for writing and for loving. You are so special for telling your story. I know you’ll tell more at all the right times. We love you, Bonnie, for who you are.
Bonnie ~ You have brought me to tears this morning. Thank you for coming back to us. Thank you for sharing your story and revealing your fears to us. Not only do your words move me, but because of your writing, I have been blessed to read the wonderful comments that are written.
As you go through the hills and valleys of your journey, please know that we are with you, too.
Hugs ~ Dorothy
So blessed this morning by you! I have a circle of faith friends that “arm up” with me in prayer as I stand as the main caregiver to my mother who has stage 4 colon cancer. There are those days that I can no longer be “the strong one.” On those days, I e/m, text, call, facebook my friends & God blesses me with their prayers of strength. I will continue to pray for you Bonnie. God is good…Everyday…ALL the time!!!
I happened on your blog at the most interesting time, two days ago…. As I read your opening-up about PTSD, it resonated deep in my heart. And since then I’ve been wondering (in the presence of my Father) if this is what I’ve been fighting through for the past year and a half. A different set of circumstances, but such similar symptoms. And if it’s what it is, I am so thankful that He’s leading me through the pain to the place of deliverance and healing.
Your transparency has blessed me, Bonnie. Thank you.
Thank you Bonnie for being transparent with your journey. You are an inspiration to many
who are in the healing process. God strengthen you as you come closer to breakthrough and complete freedom. There is power in the blood of Yeshua (Jesus) to heal and restore. He is our great physician!
Dear Bonnie,
I’m usually a reader, not a commenter, but today’s post made me think of this poem. Just in case you have never come across it, may it be a comfort to you in the stormy days ahead. Love, Diane
“Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow,
Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea,
What matters beating wind and tossing billow
If only we are in the boat with Thee?
Hold us quiet through the age-long minute
While Thou art silent and the wind is shrill :
Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, are in it;
Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?”
― Amy Wilson-Carmichael
Isn’t it amazing how God’s people keep surprising us? I didn’t share my story for years for much the same reasons you listed in this post. Yet, when I began to tell people about my past, I learned there were more who would stand with me than I could have known. And when God has restored what has been stolen from you, imagine how He will be able to help others through your renewed voice. I love how God works. 🙂
Jesus came to set the captives free but no where did it ever say that it would be easy, free of pain, or a proverbial walk in the park. Praise God that He gives us faith, courage and the desire to heal and help others with our stories. You are an inspiration to me, my sister in Christ, because you are walking that trial by fire and helping others as you do, rather that sulking in silence that the Lord would put you in such a place.
You know from the comments that you have touched a chord that resounds in all of us. I praise Him for your faithfulness and honesty…even when it hurts.
He will bless your days, even amidst the hard times. I will continue for you in prayer; not that you may be miraclously delivered from this struggle but that the Lord will use this time to continue perfecting one of His wonderful saints!
I love you my friend –
Blessings on you today Bonnie…aren’t we thankful “the battle is the Lord’s”? Daily we are bombarded with so much and so many things the devil rejoices that we are defeated and upset…but we know God is in control and there are no “ah ha” moments with God….He is healing you and working through you to help others I am convinced…and reading these other comments there are so many that are oppressed with so many things every day. May we all pray and lift each other up–even though our paths may never cross more than online—someday we will meet .
praying daily for you Bonnie! Keep talking to us
Hi Bonnie,
I just stumbled on your blog announcing the reason for your silence and went on to read this blog. God certainly directed me to you! I have been struggling for 12 years with panic attacks, primarily when I drive. I cannot venture out on the highway and usually cry and pray my way across bridges. I have been in therapy and Bible studies with the intent of getting through this but the miracle of recovery I pray for, the curse to be lifted, has not occurred. I think I have dealt with things from the past, have made my peace and laid them to rest, but when it comes time to drive my kids somewhere the spector of fear rears again and flailing in panic I opt for the easier road. I too live in the bay area and I have to say that the traffic out here has met tied in knots! My biggest struggle aside from managing the fear is trying to discern the best course of action. Like you, do I need to… not cross the road but drive it, or is there a reason for this that is truly a blessing in disguise, a purpose for God to keep me close to home? Will He give me the strength when I need it? Is my faith so very small that I can’t trust Him? Is this just the burden of my life? Or have I really and truly not healed yet? I don’t expect you to have the answers! But because this is my daily prayer and vein of thinking, I know God has led me to you. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, of every panic attack feeling bigger and worse and more ingrained and insurmountable. Still praying for relief, though….
praying for you during these inbetween posting times, and wishing you new found strength
Hi Bonnie,
I’m so glad that God has been faithful to provide what you need in love, prayers, support, expert insight. I have my shameful past that I want to hide also. However, shining the Light on these dark thoughts exposes them to Truth as revealed by the Word and healthier perspectives. Most people won’t understand because they have not looked deeper into themselves. I love to read your thoughts; they are full of Life, even the struggles. Your writing is encouraging and uplifting to me.
Bonnie,
You are a braver woman than I–may God continue to use you as you minister those of us who have shared experiences like yours.
Thank you.
Bonnie,
You are on my heart in this inbeteen time! Strength and peace to you in the hard walk that you are traveling. Much love!
When I read your story a few weeks ago, I just wanted to walk up to you a give you a hug. I am walking a similar road with family members who wanted to pretend that type of abuse simply doesn’t exist and who feel I should be quiet about it. Thank you for being brave enough to write anyway and tell the truth. If no one tells the truth about verbal, emotional, and mental abuse, then others may never find healing and learn they’re not alone. Thank you for being brave. I like the others will be here to read whenever your ready to write, and will pray for you on the days in between. God Bless, ~t.
I love the verse and variations from Paul that you listed… I came across those once too, and how they have lifted me up in writing and trusting that He is putting His words in my mouth. Bonnie, like the paralytic raised and lowered thru a roof to Jesus, many are raising you up in their “arms” to Him too… I am seeing more and more how Jesus died not only to save us but to take the curse of all these things that plague us and how now, He wants us to take and receive all He did… to declare to the devil, I am seated at the right hand of God the Father because of Jesus, and you have no authority over me anymore! All you are going thru, Jesus already paid in full at the cross… (Galatians 3:13, Eph 1:17 -2:6), raising us already to be seated in heavenlies even as we are here on earth… I take great comfort in that and that we have His blood authority over all these things. A minister said recently that the word “receive” in these scriptures really means a more aggressive “take” – that we need to say Jesus, I take all you died to give me! And He died to restore you fully… I know you know that…just encouraging you in that joyous grace. 🙂 I am in the midst of proclaiming his work in my own life, health and finances, so I pray that over you too…
Thanks be to God for surrounding you with friends in the flesh and nearby to love you and believe God for your healing. May God grant more breakthroughs in your therapy as you can bear them. May He comfort you to sleep restfully through the night again. Loving prayers to you now.
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