My throat feels tight. Thick.
I swallow hard.
I am doing one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I am writing.
To you.
About why I’ve been away.
About why I haven’t written.
But, I must.
There is no other choice — if I want to be free.
I must write.
Even though I am afraid.
I must write.
Even if I don’t know where all these words will lead.
I am writing…
Because Jesus is telling me I must — trust Him.
With the truth.
Of why I’ve been away.
The last time I wrote to you on my blog was March 15, 2012.
That was four months ago.
Too Quiet
Those of you who have been walking alongside me here on the blog throughout the years, swapping stories and sharing comments may have noticed something odd. Except for the monthly writing I do for DaySpring’s incourage site, I have been quiet. Too quiet.
Ever since I created FaithBarista.com — which will reach it’s three year birthday soon — words have pushed out of my heart, through my fingers onto this blog, the way a newborn child presses out of the womb, words flowing, like water breaking onto the floor .
My voice, silent for so long tumbled and spilled out. Messy, with life.
I began blogging five times a week, settling into a steady three-post rhythm, eventually hitting my stride by publishing twice. I began hosting a weekly Thursday community blog link-up called Faith Jams. I found my passion, serving up writing prompts to explore real, everyday faith topics — fueled by you. Your voices. Your stories.
I wasn’t alone anymore.
It was in that place of freedom, God planted in my heart, the Book-That-Would-Not-Go-Away. To my surprise, a childhood passion to write took the form of a God-sized dream to publish a book. Revell offered me a book contract and the deadline for my manuscript was set.
Everything seemed to align according to God’s will and purposes for me.
To write.
To have a voice.
To be free.
And then it happened.
Trauma.
Trauma
The month leading up had been a nightmarish marathon of battling winter illnesses. Pneumonia and a nasty virus called Strep collided with my boys three-year-old CJ and six-year-old TJ for weeks. Sick little boys don’t sleep well, spelling sleep deprivation for me. Hubby Eric caught the flu and I ended up flat on my back with the Strep-throat too.
I was completely exhausted and utterly behind on my manuscript.
To get me back on track, sweet Eric surprised me by booking a cottage at a local retreat center for some uninterrupted time away.
I packed my bags and drove up into the mountains along Bear Creek Road.
Nestled in thick foliage and dark night crickets, my heart surged with hope. As I grabbed myself some tea in the cafeteria, I overheard other guests sigh with disappointment. We were caught in the heavy drizzle of a winter storm. But, I was euphoric. A rainy weekend in a cozy cabin, typing next to a window with a view? A writer could ask for nothing more. I was golden.
Back in my room, I began unpacking, spreading my papers and notes across the floor in the layout of each chapter. I knelt to pray. I asked God to prepare His words for me. I asked the Holy Spirit to speak into my heart for the work ahead. I thanked Him for the beauty of His presence in my life. I spent the remaining afternoon enjoying spiritual whitespace, revisiting passages of Scripture and journaling prayers to God.
It was the perfect way to begin my writing retreat. It would be time for dinner soon. As I gathered my coat, placing my hands in my gloves, I had no inkling of what was waiting ahead, as I closed the door behind me.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience.
I have hiked in storms, rain soaking down into my socks, lightning and thunder crackling at every side.
Yet, in less than 10 minutes of walking up a muddy hillside, I was about to fall into the most terrifying, traumatic trek in my 41 years of life.
Something Very Wrong
My heart started racing.
Then, it started pounding.
My chest tightened.
My throat started narrowing.
The sky turned white and my entire world became over-saturated with light.
I couldn’t see.
I started to feel dizzy.
Sick. Then nauseous.
I wouldn’t have been so alarmed, if I hadn’t started gasping. For air.
Choking.
Oh my God! What’s happening?
I fell to the ground.
I. can’t. breathe.
I choked my way through the next dizzying minutes. How many passed, I don’t know.
That night, as I struggled with sleep in the dark, my body became flooded with feverish chills. Hot flashes.
I must be stricken with some weird, awful sickness. I thought.
The next day, after writing a chapter, walking on that same path, it happened. Again.
Something must be very wrong.
A Dangerous Endeavor
I returned home to see the doctor, but my tests came up normal.
Every night, for the next three months, whenever I went to bed, I was jolted awake. I would fall fast asleep and suddenly, my throat would constrict and I would start choking. Hot flashes would fire through my body, sending my heart palpitating like crazy and my chest heaving, as I struggled to recover my breath.
It took weeks and weeks of torturous insomnia, fear, and confusion stumbling down rabbit trails and misdiagnosis until I understood what I was experiencing. I went through a revolving door of doctors, counselors, and pastors — until I finally found an expert who understood the cause of my suffering.
I don’t have cancer.
No, my faith isn’t broken.
No, there isn’t a hidden sin unconfessed.
And no, I don’t have a mental illness.
You won’t believe it.
I didn’t believe it.
Apparently, writing can be a dangerous endeavor.
My friends, writing this book has opened up trauma from my childhood.
What I experienced on that dirt path four months ago was a panic attack — a symptom of Post-Tramautic Stress Disorder.
Yes, dear friends. Me — the girl who has never been afraid of anything — is recovering from childhood trauma.
The Girl Who Wasn’t Afraid
PTS — me? Suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress?
It definitely didn’t make any sense at all.
Hello, God. This is me, you’re talking about. You know — the “Faith Barista” — the one who has always trusted and loved you?
Something else must be wrong, because with You, I’ve never been afraid of anything.
I’m the girl —
who grew up first generation American-Chinese and put herself through college.
who is an entrepreneur who has launched multiple ministries and loved every minute of it.
who enjoyed a successful high-tech career managing portfolios of product teams.
who loves inductive Bible studies as a hobby.
who loves people, snorts when she laughs and regularly enjoys coffee with pastries.
How can this girl have PTS?
As for childhood trauma. C’mon. We’re talking about stuff that occurred decades ago. Wouldn’t PTS have shown up earlier?
Why would writing about it surface trauma now?
Apparently, trauma can be frozen in time.
A person, an event, a stress, or a change — even a dream or a hope — can unravel that trauma. This is what happened to me, as I stepped into writing the belly of my book. You see, there was an incident. Actually more than one. People who have hurt me in my past recently attempted to place themselves back in my today.
And all the sadness that I’ve swallowed, the losses that I’ve dismissed and the memories I’ve turned into stories suddenly ignited my memories into live events up on that mountain.
Apparently, this girl does have trauma.
Deep inside, I am — it turns out — very much afraid.
A part of me — the wounded part of me — that stems from my childhood has surfaced.
Your Full Voice
My therapist, Dr. P, is a world expert in treating PTSD.
He tells me panic attacks typically strike the strong. CEOs, pastors, managers, stay-at-home moms, writers and everyone in-between. You don’t need to have fought in a war in Afghanistan or Iraq to suffer from PTSD and it’s not limited to physical or sexual abuse.
The impacts of emotional and verbal abuse are equal in damage and trauma.
PTSD often surfaces in people in their 30’s and 40’s — when major life changes are occurring. The stresses that we’ve hidden deep inside finally emerge when we can no longer bolt down what we fear most: our wounded selves.
Dr. P always makes me laugh because he calls all this disorienting, painful experience “good”. He says with a smile and compassionate gaze, “The Good Lord is healing you, Bonnie! Loving the hidden parts of you back to life.”
There are people in my family of origin who don’t want me to write the book. People who have hurt me in the past — and because they have done so, continue to hurt me today.
God knows I’ve prayed about everything, forgiven them and “buried them at the cross of Jesus”. What’s in the past belongs in the past, right? Forget what’s behind and strive toward Christ ahead. That’s been my motto.
That’s the thing. I believed my faith had buried my hurt — in the past.
I felt God had finally brought me to a place of healing — in my today — to write this book.
Because I had survived.
Because I was finally free.
I had my voice.
But, when I began my final stretch of putting voice to print, God chose to reveal to me —
Bonnie, it is time for you to heal.
I don’t just want you when you are strong.
I love you when you are broken.
And I don’t find it shameful that you are wounded.
You want to only speak in that voice that feels safe and good.
But, I want you to speak in your full voice, where I am your only safety.
Where I am Your only good.
I want you to speak — in your full voice.
Dr. P says that I need to write.
I am like the agoraphobic who avoids going to the grocery store because that’s where she last had her panic attack. Just like the man who won’t cross a street because that’s where he was last hit by a drunk driver.
Me. I’ve withdrawn from writing.
I’ve avoided writing because I’ve been waiting to get well. I’ve been waiting for my symptoms to go away, so I can come back and tell you how terrible it’s been and how I’m all better now.
I want to present my good and unwounded self to you.
But, Dr. P says that day will never come if I don’t write afraid.
You see, I’ve been waiting to get well before I write. But, it turns out I must write in order to get well.
It’s taken me more than a week to write this post. And I suffered a rash of anxiety attacks attempting to “cross the street” by writing these words.
I really don’t have a choice.
I must write.
Because I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
Because Jesus is calling me to speak in my full voice.
Because God is now calling me to put my faith in Him here.
Right now.
This way.
“Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When You said, ‘Seek My face,’ my heart said to You,
‘Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.’
Do not hide Your face from me…
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.”
~Psalm 27:7-10
~~~~~~
How is God calling you to speak in your full voice?
What is the “street” that you must cross?
Pull up a chair. It’s been a long while. How have you been?
Click and share a comment.I’d love to hear your voice, especially today.
~~~~~
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430 Comments
love you, dear one and He is ever guiding you on the path even if it’s scary. i’m SO proud of you for writing afraid and for being willing to walk this path no matter what it looks like. He’s got you and it’s going to be worth it. you’re absolutely beautiful.
Such words of encouragement and love… I can only conclude it is wild grace from the One who loves us… *you* Katy, God’s delight, are b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l… You are living God’s story in you and have so much to share… XO
Oh Bonnie, it’s so good to hear your voice, the full, sweet timbre of all of you! You know what I think? I think all writers write afraid. I think fear just comes with the gig, whether you want it or not, whether the gig is large or small, I just think it’s a package deal. We make ourselves vulnerable when we write, so who wouldn’t be afraid?! I love your faith and obedience and honesty written in every word here! I’m so sorry there is such a thing as PTSD and that it is battling its way to the surface for you, but I know our Heavenly Father is a wild, untameable miracle worker, and He’s got this!! I’m so glad to have you back, and will pray for you as you sort through the fearful part!!
You’re voice is such full of cheer.. like a sweet cup of mocha, Shaunie! Thank you for being here welcoming me back…
Bonnie,
s i g h…don’t we all want this to be easy for you, for your healing to come in an instant, for you to NOT have to endure the process and the pain. As I read your beautiful words, a phrase the Lord gave me during Sara’s illness came to mind for you, though it’s very different because this is YOUR story to tell (and Sara’s was Sara’s): “You are worthy.” No doubt that others will find healing because of your discoveries and how you share them! You’ll give hope and encouragement because they haven’t yet found the one who can help them navigate their healing. God finds you worthy to share this Very Hard Story because you have the perfect words to give it voice! Now, I am not minimizing any of it–I ache for you–but I’m thankful that God can redeem these painful broken pieces into something beautiful; that he can redeem what is lost.
This part of your journey takes such courage and obedience; I’m celebrating each victory with you, praying wisdom and healing over you, delighting in your conformity to Christ and willingness to let us walk beside. You’re a beautiful, rare, exquisite reminder of God’s goodness. Much love xo.
Sweet Robin… oh yes, I had been praying oh-so-much for that healing to come in an instant… but, at some point, I had to finally surrender to the reality that this path God has for me is going to take time. Thank you for expressing encouragement so deeply for me, sister. Love to you XO 🙂
Aargh! Reading this post was like reading a horrifying thriller which caugh me completely by surprise. But bless you, Bonnie, I’ve always enjoyed your writing because you are so REAL – your blog has been one I have talked about very frequently and recommended that friends read it. Bless you as you write this trauma out of your life, bless you for your honesty – this will be such an amazing time of growth for you, a real challenge to the rest of us who just ‘get by’ without really really dealing with issues. This book will be a huge blessing to all who read it.
You are so beautiful Bonnie to be obedient and write this. Love you and will pray for you. I need prayer too for something if it can be similar yet very different. Thank you for your honesty and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
It’s great to see you here, Donna. Thank you for your prayers and I pray God will meet you where you as well, friend.
Oh, Angie. What a friend and encouraging sister in Christ you are! Bless you for your heart is kind and full of grace…
Praying for you as you write to heal from past traumas. You have been a great blessing to me.
Love in Christ!
Thank you, Celia. Much love in Christ, sister…
Praise for your bravery and compassion for your hurt. Believing as the words spill from your heart that a river of healing will take its place.
Thank you, Jenny!
Bonnie, I know how difficult and painful it can be to deal with anxiety and panic attacks, so know that you are not alone and that there are those who understand from the inside out. We are supporting you in prayer and thought. Even when it doesn’t feel as though it’s true, you’re doing great, you’re on God’s path, and He will not abandon you to walk it without Him. I can tell you that it does get better!!
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Catherine, speaking out of your experience.
I’ve wondered where you’ve been. I missed reading your blog. I’m so sorry that you are suffering panic attacks. It took a lot of courage to step out with God and write about your suffering. I, too, am suffering. God is working to heal my past with me so that I can be fully alive to Him and His will for me in the present. It is good to know we are not alone in our struggles.
Dear Angie, it is so comforting to know we are not alone. Let’s continue on this journey, friend – one day at at time with Jesus. 😉
my only comment is this: why did you not ask your readers to pray for you?
why didnt you let us come alongside you in intercessory prayer? the pain of
this whole episode could have been mitigated by the power of this prayer.
you didnt have to give all the details just reaching out like you would to a
friend would have been enough.
Bless your heart!! I understand because I, too, am in counseling/therapy for PTSD. It stems from childhood wounds. Those issues were worked on. Then another huge trauma occurred in early adulthood, which brought back memories of more childhood abuse. The double-trauma of this caused PTSD to reoccur. Worked through it again. Much later in life, my mother committed suicide in 2006. She had been a very abusive person all through mine & my sister’s lives. Shortly thereafter my precious only sibling developed generalized anxiety disorder and stomach problems. She was not honest with her physicians, psychiatrist, about her difficulties and could not take the medications they offered, other than Xanax and Ambien. She took her own life in October. I am once again struggling with PTSD. I am working on this. I will overcome with God’s help. When I hear my sweet Christian therapist say there is a purpose, though, I just have to wonder what that could be at my age (60). I just feel like enough is enough. I applaud you for being obedient to the Lord to write NOW. Bless you, friend. You will overcome, with continued counsel and, of course, your walk with God. You obviously have many, many prayer partners standing with & for you.
Thank you Lynda for being here — and sharing your story with PTSD — and how you are continuing to walk through healing. I see the beautiful butterfly in you and I praise God for your courage to keep returning to Jesus, yesterday — and especially in today. Even though your mother and sister chose the path they did, you are not them. You and I are ultimately — truly — daughters of our Father in heaven. No matter what our physical age is. Thank you sister-in-Christ for your words of encouragement and for *you*.
Joseph,
Your questions really sound pretty tough and, really, as if Bonnie somehow did not do “it” the right way.
What Bonnie needs is support, unconditional love and understanding.
She surely wrote as soon as she was able to make herself do so. She has surely been covered in prayer by those closest to her in her family and personal circle of friends, including her therapist.
Sometimes healing is instant after prayer. Sometimes it is a process, whereby much growth takes place (kind of like when the butterfly is growing strong during the fight to come out of the cocoon).
You know, Bonnie, I was just thinking yesterday how much I miss you around here. I love reading your heart. I’m so sorry that you are having to walk through all of this, but I know that God is working all the mess for your good and for our good who read your blog. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for facing panic attacks just to share with us your struggles. Your vulnerability has always challenged me to be more vulnerable. Lifting you up to the Father today. Love you, friend! Hugs from miles away!
You know, Jennifer. I was hoping to hear your sweet voice and see your pretty face light up here as I brush off the cobwebs here at the bar here at Faith Barista. 🙂 If anything of being together has encouraged your walk — well, it’s just because you have encouraged me. XO
I have been wondering about you and am glad to “hear” your voice again. I was not alarmed by the time between posts knowing you were working on a book and as a mother of two little ones there are a number of possibilities that could require your immediate attention. : ) Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing with PTSD, even though I realize it is very challenging to “cross that street”, I know God will walk with you to the other side. Take one step at a time, take care, and God Bless your journey.
Hi Bobbi, thanks for taking time to drop a note… it’s so encouraging to hear your thoughts, to know we share a common love for God and for each other on this journey of faith.
Oh, how I have missed you, Bonnie! Thank you….for writing, for trusting His leading, for stepping out into thin air. You are loved.
Echoing Julie…thankful that you are stepping out into thin air….thankful that He will lift you up as you do! Healing is His heart towards each of us, making us whole and wholly His. This is such an important part of the process, your precious agreement with Him: ” Yess, I want to be healed!”. As always, grateful for you and awaiting that book to be birthed!
Thank you, Tara!
Oh Julie, it’s so good to have you here… now… with me stepping out this way. 😉 It’s so awfully healing to feel missed… by faith friends. Looking forward to catching up through our words/writing. 🙂
Thank you for sharing. As someone who has struggled with fear in the past, it can be paralyzing. I love what Ann Voskamp says about fear, “Fear is nothing to be afraid of — it’s just the door we push through to get to the other side.” Praising God that you are getting to the other side of your fear.
Amen!
Thank you Robin for opening up and sharing from your heart.
That was eye opening. I think a lot of us women don’t open up enough and let others see how vulnerable we can be. We don’t want to admit we do have things in our past that we want to hide even from ourselves only for it to come out when we least expect it. Thank you for being so open with us, your readers.
I will be praying for you today and every day.
Janet
Hi Janet, It is hard as women to open up to things that are hurtful. Vulnerability really does mean becoming exposed. Thank you for softening my vulnerability with your prayers and encouragement. 🙂 Such grace! (And for others reading through, just want you to know: As for trauma that happens in childhood, Dr. P says children cannot face them fully. God has made it so that trauma in childhood is shielded from them, so that they can survive. And when we become adults, at a point we can face them, they surface.)
Oh Bonnie! I’ve been praying for you; missed your presence here. I figured you were “just” swamped with the writing of the book, and prayed for your progress.
I’m sorry that you’ve had a season of suffering, but oh so glad He is bringing you through it victoriously!
From another PTSD person…
Love you,
Me
Sweet Marina, thanks for being open and sharing this connection. 🙂
Bonnie, first KNOW that I will be praying for you. Since I found your blog you have been a such blessing to me, your words have been “words cannot express” blessing to me. Yes, I’ve missed you, wondered why I hadn’t seen you pop up in my inbox, but I know from personal experience what it means to go through things and get busy and have to put some things down for a while. So I was waiting. Thank you for sharing this and for in the words of Joyce Meyer, “just doing it afraid”. Everything is going to be alright, God is working this all out for your good. Much love, peace and blessings in everything to you and your family this day and always. You are healed, in Jesus name.
Mary, I’m so happy to you’re here and for writing from your heart. You are a blessing… may God bless you, friend!
Bonnie-
I am praying for you as you go on your journey. The one miraculous thing in all of our struggles is that Jesus never leaves our side. Even when the journey seems like more than we can handle.
Thank you for sharing your words. They are so intimate and personal and real.
Melissa
Melissa, thank your voice here in this vulnerable place that I am in. You are a blessing!
i have the same thing this morning i had a nightmare, something in my past that haunted me and I believe i am being shown that trauma in my past is now effecting my present i pushed it under the rug, i figured i was strong i can handle it then i realized i cant and i get this email today. God is faithful, i didnt know but HE is trying to get to the ROOT of my issue and it is taking time but i TRUST Him more than i did before. I trust HIm. i hope you TRUST Him too when you dont understand. God could be using you for someone else.
Dear friend, I’m so glad you wrote and shared from right where you are. Nightmares are one of the ways our bodies and hearts are letting us know it’s time to listen. You are strong, friend, for the trauma you’ve endured. And there comes a time, where God is saying, “Dear sweet one… it’s time for you to let down your load… Let me love you… Let me love you…” Blessings to you..
God bless you for bringing what has been dark into the healing light of Jesus, and thank you for sharing this difficult journey. With His love, Teasie
Dear Teasie, thank you so much for being here.
I feel like I’m sitting across a table, coffee in hand, listening to a friend pour out her heart. And all I want to do is reach across the distance, envelop you in a hug, and pray for God’s continued healing. I’ve been in those shoes – the panic attacks, the anxiety over what has been and what could be and how to move forward from here, from the pain of these hidden places. Often, after my counseling appointments, my counselor would warn me that I might feel worse the next day, that the depression that had already robbed me of much joy might overwhelm me after digging up so much of the past that hurts and that I’ve spent years covering up and pretending all was well. But there really is freedom in exposing the past, handing it over, piece by broken piece, to the only One who can heal the wounds and bind up the broken hearted. Thank you for sharing this deep place of your heart – it is posts like this that remind me I’m not alone and that He even in our brokenness He is still there.
Very sweet Stephanie… I am right there with you and Bonnie, slogging through the slimey pit of memories.
Hugs for the survivors! Inez
Oh, Stephanie. You are sitting across from me … at this table we share called God’s healing … yes, the pain of those hidden places is what I’m experiencing and needing to face. And yes, having to hand those pieces one at a time and really look at them… without turning away is oh-so-counter-intuitive… and oh-so-cannot be done alone. Thank you for sharing from your heart! I’m pouring you a refill of your coffee right now (and asking if you’d like a splash of hazelnut cream as well?) 🙂
Bonnie!!! It’s so nice to ‘see’ you!!
I was just praying for you recently wondering …where’s my/our Bonnie?
You have been missed friend. Wow! Thank you for opening up your life to us today regarding your journey of recent months.
Boy do we need to talk! You are not alone…we are in similar boats…I can relate. Receive a big hug from all of us who have missed your beautiful words.
🙂 Betsy
Betsy!!! *squeal* so happy you’re here.. and it does feel warm and fuzzy to be missed. thnx for making my return a little easier. *hugs right back!*
Bonnie, I am so blessed by your story today. The vulnerability and just the being real is such a healer. May God bless you with the words He knows you need to find freedom from your chains!
Thank you so much, Katie – for your words & being here!
Bonnie, you’re so brave! I’ve missed you very much and had actually just posted on your FB page telling you I was thinking of you, hoping you would somehow get the post; like the rest, I thought you were busy with your writing. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through but glad that God uses us despite of everything. Once again, I’ve been so touched by your openness to share. I will definitely be keeping you in prayer. May God continue to be close to you and lift you up.
Much love and hugs from across the globe,
Eunice
Sweet Eunice… who says we can’t have sisters around the globe? 🙂 We can and I do… sweet sister in Christ. I’m thinking of you and so thankful for who you are. Love you much!
Oh my darling Bonnie how I wish I could cross the miles and hold you tight in a hug PTSD is so very frightening so very scary an you my honey are so very brave. Whatever the trauma you have faced it will not break you, because God is by your side holding you even when you are falling. I know this so well honey, so many times I have been afraid am still afraid but I know the truth as you do. God never leaves us, write the words of your heart and as always we will listen and walk along side of you.
Yes, Sara. Jesus is holding all of us together… Thank you for sharing from your heart!
Oh, my friend! First, I hope you’ve forwarded this post to your doctor to show him you’re following through and doing the things he’s asked you to do to get healthy.
And then, thanks be to God for your words and the strength he gave you to write each and every one. I’m sitting here wondering who he has in mind to deliver them to. Who is it who needs to read your brave story to begin to embrace the healing Christ has for her?
I’ve missed your words and, knowing now what you’ve been through to offer them again, I am so truly grateful. Thank you, Bonnie.
Oh, I have to be honest, dear friend… I wasn’t sure how I would feel after this post went out… so, I waited to see if I was going to be run over by stepping out to cross the “street” during rush hour! 🙂 And yes, I later did send it to him. LOL. I will see him tomorrow, so let’s see what he says! Thank you Nancy for being just so a.w.e.s.o.m.e!
thank you for your transparency. it takes courage. courage is strength. you are faithful to the lord. i pray god protect your heart soul and mind as you go through this process of healing and gainig wisdom with the lord. you are very brave to do this publically. keep your eyes on him so the confusion of others doesn’t misdirect your steps. you are faithful Bonnie. i am so encouraged. thank you for being a brave sister.
Hi Janet, it’s so nice to hear your voice and receive the encouragement of connecting with you. Thank you for your prayers!
I love you, Bonnie. You are not alone. Take your time, one step at a time.
Just breathe.
The analogy of giving birth suits this purpose as well. When we are breathless,
Exhausted, fearing the pain… How much longer s this going to take?! Do I have the
Strength to do this?! What was I thinking?! I don’t want to do this anymore.
I just wanna go home. Back to normal. Everything as it was before this whole thing started.
-THAT’S when the breakthrough comes. And the child is born, and the tears of exhaustion
Turn to joy.
You are never alone. That doesn’t make it easy.
You Are A Very Brave Woman.
I just want to hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok!
It will be worth it.
Thank you Tina for being here and giving encouragement from your heart!
I’m a fumbler with words,… I ramble and say too much. May I please just say this,
thank you
for writing!
Oh, Tina friend! You are poetic, you know that? Yes, I hear a poet in your words! May I please just say this, thank *you* for writing. 😉
I was weeping before I finished this blog and read the remainder through my tears. I’ve been there too, Bonnie. God brought me through it, but it took time. I no longer have the anxiety attacks, but I remember the time I had to battle them. The fearful, gasping prayers in the dark…the extreme fear encapusulating me. It was a hard illness to conquer, but God never left me. He bathed me in His love and peace. I carry that peace and assurance that He is strong and always there to carry me when I cannot go alone. Thank you for sharing your struggle. May the peace of God envelop you and bring you through. I’ll be praying you through also. God bless.
Oh, Dee. The precious tears that are shared among sister in Christ! Thank you for telling me that you’ve been through it too. You know… 🙂 Thank you so much for your prayers and your words…
Amen, sister.
Nodding my way through your post, crying silent tears in part, the lump at the back of my throat.
Bonnie, we don’t have to be strong, because the Lord’s strength is within us, we don’t have to be …… because the Lord gives us what we need when we need it.
The Lord may push us forward to ministry. to healing, to whatever but He is right there beside us, ALL THE WAY.
He sits with us, allowing us to nestle against his chest, whilst we gather our strength, intermingled with His strength, to stand up, to climb up, to stand firm in our faith by His grace.
Dear Susie… thank you for writing and nodding all the way through here with me. yes, the lump in the back of my throat… how I wish it would go away… but Jesus is saying for now it is necessary… what a poet you are . His grace flows from your words.
thank you for writing this, and exposing your innermost parts. i applaud your courage, your obedience, and your candidness. you are an inspiration, and a true example of Christ’s grace.
♥ betsy
Thank you Betsy for writing here with me too. So grateful in this moment… May God continue to encourage others through you.
It’s so good to hear from you Bonnie! I have missed your writing and am glad to hear you are back. I am not exactly sure what to write in response to your blog because it strikes a close chord with me as well. Childhood trauma that comes back to haunt when one least expects it. I’m grateful that you are healing through your writing. I have had childhood trauma and ptsd is so real! thanks for touching our lives through your written word that comes from your heart.
Karen
Oh, Karen. There is a sisterhood in Christ that goes beyond words.. you’ve expressed your heart so openly. *thank you* {hugs, hugs, hugs!}
Dearest Bonnie, May God heal you completely and give you His peace that truly passes all understanding. May your husband and boys also experience total healing. We are so sorry you have gone through such a valley of despair. Remember that the God of the valley is also the God of the mountains and it looks like you are now going uphill..praise God! Please know many people love you and are praying for you and your family. God bless you on your journey.
Dear Frances, thank you for taking time to write and being a friend here with your prayers and encouragement. *thank you*
At age 14 I lost my father to a violent, senseless death. He was my mentor, and I became angry at God. It took me many years to become the christian I had been as a young girl. God has blessed me in many ways. I keep a journal called “Thank you Lord” just for writing down thank you’s for the prayers the Lord has answered for me. Thank you Faith for sharing your trauma with me, please know you will be in my prayers always. Jan Oliver
Wow, Jan. That is so beautiful. Thank you for telling me this and blessing us with your walk through your trauma. Thank you for your prayers.
Bonnie, thru your Thursday Faith Jams, you have inspired me to challenge myself to put away my fears of what others may think of my faith and to write what I am led by God to write about.
You did that. That is your gift from God. Your words inspire, help and guide us.
Thank you.
May you find comfort in the arms of Jesus, knowing of all the prayers that are being sent to you and your family.
<3 Dorothy
Dear Dorothy, I’ve loved having you a part of that special space where God speaks to me most.. that place where we write — in our Thursday Faith Jams. It’s very special that connection — and I’m thankful to have it here as sisters in Christ. Thank you for your prayers, friend.
Sweet dear friend. Know I have been praying for you much these last months. You have been missed and I have prayed for you not knowing what was going on. I so understand. I know pain, not your particular, but I do know pain of my own abuse. I know trauma of childhood that haunts a person and creeps in when you least expect it.
My heart aches for you and cries with you and your pain. “Pain is your/our friend.” Dr. Larry Crabb, Soul Talk. I have struggled since I first heard that statement last fall. Yet the more I have struggled with it, the more I realize the truth behind it. Facing pain for the first time in my life letting myself feel the pain as it happened to me this last spring into summer — being fired, accused of hurting a child, and knowing I did not do what I am accused of. Walking that path with God and my community of soul friends has lead me to know God more intimately and heal even deeper wounds than the current ones I am facing.
One step. One minute. One moment. At a time.
Love you dear friend.
Dear Katie, I know you have been praying for me as you have come across my thoughts as well. I know you have gone through so many hard things, in such a compacted period of time… and knowing your heart… I pray that He continue to take care of you.. as He is taking care of me. Love you!
Thank you for writing today. You are reaching me in my brokeness. I pray you will be totally healed.
Dear Brenda, thank you for sharing your voice here with me today. Praying for you, friend… remembering you right now.
Don’t ask me who said this quote because I don’t know…. I want to say Larry Crabb because I learned this quote doing the class on Soul Care his book. But I don’t know for sure. But I just thought of this after hitting enter above. It has gotten me through much this last year. God used it in my life to focus on HIM.
“My sister, Diane, told me that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run wet, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise. I discovered in that moment that i had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best as I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than to try to out run it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I choose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what it would mean.”
Katie,
THANK YOU for sharing what you’re learning in the midst of pain. You’re an inspiration!
You are welcome.
Thanking God for you, Mary. Right now.
Thank you for sharing this, Katie!
Telling your brave story here, this is how God used it to help me: Part of the story I’m writing in a book has to do with people who hurt me too. They recently resurfaced in my life after fourteen years of silence and they don’t want me to share what I was planning to write. The fear threatens to immoblize me all the time but I’m pushing past it, to laugh in the face of the enemy. Your story, it just gave me courage and the reason why we need to share our stories. They encourage healing in others. Thank you for being honest, because we need to pray for you. You can’t carry this alone.
Oh, Shelly. Yep. Uh-huh. Yes, this road we are on is definitely something we can’t carry alone. As I am discovering quite up close and personal. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story with where you are right now. May God continue to be your guide and your Shepherd in this path of putting to pen the words on your heart.
Praying for you Bonnie.
Thank you, Tracey!
I am so sorry that you are going through all this, Bonnie! I have been wondering why we haven’t heard from you, and thought there must be something going on, and prayed for you. Your post brings tears to my eyes. You are going through something REALLY HARD. They are tears of compassion, but I am also wondering if they are tears of identification. Actually, I know they are. I am so glad that the problem has been accurately identified. That’s half the battle! You are so blessed to have such a wise and compassionate doctor. I am confident that with God, of course with God, you will be able to write through this and heal. And I will be praying for you. You are such a precious woman. You have touched so many hearts, and you will continue to do so. God will be using this for good, not only for you, but for all the women with whom you are choosing to share.
Hi Cheri! So good to hear your voice, friend! And yes, it was pretty hard getting to the point where the problem was identified. And I’m thankful that God did lead me to that point. And now, here I am.. and here you are. I’m smiling, as we are sisters-in-Christ. Wherever God is leading you, know my thoughts are with you too.
Welcome back!! We’ll walk the mountainside path with you.
We all wear masks of some sort. Maybe God is using your writing to help us remove our masks and offer us hope and healing.
Blessings as you journey forward.
Oh, Linda. To think that there is encouragement God is speaking to others through this path I’m walking… you are bringing a smile to this heart. *thank you* for walking this mountainside path with me.
Welcome back!
I too, have PTSD. I’m praying for you. Thanking God it has a name & we are able to work towards healing.
Love yourself & trust in Him!
Hi Donna! Thanks for stepping out to stand next to me here, sister. Yes, I am indeed thanking God it has a name! whew! 🙂 *hugs* to you as we step forward.
Welcome back, Bonnie!
Thank you for sharing what has been happening in your life. I was very touched by it. Our Bible study group is learning about the topic of fears and how to face them. I’d like to share your blog this week. You beautifully capture the essence of what we’re learning: no matter what we face in life, we don’t go through it alone. God is there walking beside us. His goal is for our complete healing and restoration which comes in our complete surrender to Him and His will.
Sending thoughts and prayers and hugs your way. God bless you.
Thank you for the warm welcome, Mary! Your thoughts & prayers — so sweet, your heart! What a wonderful Bible study group… and yes, what a very intimate topic to cover… what a blessing!
Welcome back. You and your voice were missed. sending my prayers your way.
Thank you, Jean!
Praying for you…
Kristen… sweet friend… *thank you*
Oh, Bonnie. I have missed your words these past few months and thought of you often. To hear what has been keeping you from writing nearly breaks my heart. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Kristine, what a warm heart you are. Thank you for taking time to be here with me.
Now that’s courage, Bonnie: writing with your full voice. God will bless the work of your hands and heart as you respond to Him in faith. I support you.
*thank you* Diane. Your heart is open and I’m so thankful you’re here with me.
“You want to only speak in that voice that feels safe and good”
Thank you Bonnie! Those words give me courage. The understanding gained from your blog today gives me such encouragement. Last night the battle was so strong and I cried out for help. The Lord knew I needed the hope and strength of these words today. Thank you for letting Him use your healing to strengthen me.
Dear Angella, I’m so touched to have you here… and to hear your heart at this moment. Jesus, draw close to Angella and let her feel your nearness…
Bonnie, you are so loved! We support you, pray for you and will walk through this with you every step of the way to full freedom. You are beautiful and brave. So proud of you for writing this!
Thank you Holley for walking through this with me, as friend and sister. I’m thankful we can kick our feet in the water and splash with laughter in times of joy… and on days that are hard, cry and see our tears drop down into the hush of creek trickling water… XO
you have been greatly missed — I admire the courage you have to complete this endeavor. I have been going thru a very messy time in my life, and have had many doubts, much confusion, and much despair. But have also discovered new friendships, renewed some old ones that should never have been neglected, and gotten rid of baggage that needed to go. Your inspiration has helped in this process and I hope that you also find the courage you need to continue your calling. You are an angel from above, and I love hearing your words. Love to you and faith to continue.
Rebecca, your words flow like a poet with much heart and soul. What a way you move with words… yes. This is the way I’m having to travel. My thoughts and prayers are with you, too. thank you for taking time to write and share here.
Bonnie, one of the things that is clear to me is the closer we move to the Lord, to doing what He births in us, shining His heart to others, touching and bringing healing through our words… the greater our enemy will try to stop us. Your description of how he has tried in your life leaves me breathless, because I’ve been experiencing that in different ways, but similar results of fears etc. But God is showing me…the enemy has no more power. He is under Jesus’ feet and thus under ours as redeemed of Jesus. I know God is using you and will use you… delivered from your wounds as He is!… He gives you such unique and beautiful expression, HIS way with words, and calls us to declare His words of life over ourselves and others. I declare today that you are walking in His light and life and healing. You are already “seated in the heavenlies” with our Lord, victorious” (as Paul tells us) and because PTSD was conquered at the cross, the curse exchanged for our walking in blessing, so are you this day, this hour. Power and blessing in our words is such a wondrous gift from God our Father… and I join with you in prayer, in speaking his blessings of restoration, healing (robust healing!) into you… all the blessings He gave Abraham in Deut 28 and died to graft us into (Gal 3:13 and 14). I can see His blessing is already at work in you… his angels garrisoning around you… the truth of Psalm 91 enfolding you. Bless you, Bonnie! I’ve missed your words… and know God has many more to say through you to touch and heal us all.
Dear Pam, thank you for writing and sharing your heart with such passion. What a blessing you are.. Thank you for being here now…
Absolutely beautiful, yes and very hard.
I too have been in that horrible place and the only way out is through.
The words have to find a place on paper.
The experiences have to heal and be seen.
The little girl needs to know she is safe in now time.
Oh I wish I could sit with you and talk you through the rough times.
It will be better but you have to go through it.
Healing will come… I promise but you must take the time to express it and not stuff it anymore. Praying for God’s gentleness to be a soft comforter across your wounded heart. You are cared for and loved by many.
Write your way through it no matter how hard it gets. Write it.
(if you ever need to talk my email is faithiesgramma@msn.com)
Sharon O
Oh, Sharon. What a beautiful, beautiful poet you are, writing truth and encouragement all swirled at once. You must write, too my friend, because God heart shines through. I’m nodding yes. The little girl in now time… Thank you.
Here is my blog site… been sharing on my blog now for three years. My recovery work was written in the 2010 blog year… you can go back in there if you want. would love feedback from you… :o) Sharon O
Hello Bonnie,
What an amazing testimony to our FATHER in heaven who gives
us strength to over come!! I am looking forward to reading your post
again and your book!!
You asked what road do we have to cross, for me its walking
with the woman with the issue of blood for the past 14 years.
Recently I found a doctor who believes a Hysterectomy is needed,
I agree as so much of my life has been put on hold because of
all I have gone through with it.
I am at peace but also apprehensive because this is survey
that entails more and recovery will be 4-6 weeks…I know that
GOD will have me in the palm of HIS hand, just like HE had you
as you embark on your journey to heal and overcome your fest
to be a voice to many through your writing!!
The evil one is the father of lies, you my sweet sister will stomp
on him and bruise your heel….because WE OVERCOME BY THE
WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY!!!
Praying for you, blessings,
Tina
Dear Tina, thanks for sharing where you’re at and I pray God will guide you through this surgery and your recovery — and friends to be there for you.
Wow, thank you for such open honest sharing. As you know NOTHING is wasted and I can see this writing/post being used by God to help others realize they are not alone and that someone understands. You being so open will encourage others to bring their own PTSD into the Light for healing. In fact I forwarded the email link to some friends who are counselors.
I too have suffered “flash backs” sort of but God has brought me to the “other side” of that, so with Faith AND experience I stand in prayer with you. I know he has such beautiful stuff in store for you.
Congratulations on taking this very open and vulnerable step.
God bless you.
Thank you Joan! What an encourager you are!
Oh dear precious courageous woman of God, thank you so much for your transparency. You have been missed! I am joining with all my dear sisters in the Lord, in praying for complete healing and wholeness. You are loved! May God carry you through this to the place of ministering with your beautiful gift of writing that so shines with the heart and love of Jesus, in a way that you could never have imagined.
Thank you Susan for your welcome and your prayers!
Thank you, Bonnie. Your story has touched my heart and encouraged me today. Thank you for being brave.
Thank you Jen for being here!
Praying for you, Bonnie. xoxox
Earlier this year I was told I had PTSD, I thought the doctor was crazy. He pointed out that trauma does not have to come from war or from death of someone we knew. In 2009 my health went for a plunging dive, spending two years in and out of the hospital with various illness and cancer. I also lost my job and my husband divorces me, both of which ended a long term verbal abuse. I have a sign on the wall that says “we will never be placed where God’s Grace will not cover us” How true that is.
I finally had a break down a few months ago. And a dear friend told me to listen to the “Trauma Prayer” You can Goggle trauma and it will take you to Jim and Pat Banks website. I listen to that prayer every night before I fall asleep. God, like a loving father, has watched over me and kept me safe through it all.
Thanks for sharing, Wanda — and praise God for His faithfulness to you!
I have really missed you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. But, I know that God has a reason to bring this out and I am thankful for you.
I am also crossing that road. Allowing God to turn up the heat on my soul and allow the impurities to rise. The skimming off is hard. Not always sure I want to do the work. But he has provided a wonderful counselor and though it is hard, I feel better day by day.
YOu are in my prayers. I pray God strengthens you and that you feel is presence so close at this time.
Sweet Teresa, thank you for being here and sharing where you’re at. You’ve touched my heart and it makes me happy to know my journey has touched yours. May God continue to bring us through one day at a time.
Bonnie,
It is uncanny how every blog you post, echos the unspoken words of my soul. Once again, I feel as if we are walking parallel paths. Of course, not in every single detail, but in the major, life altering experiences I can empathize with you. The last five years of my life have had many types of different traumas. Some left me utterly, completely hopeless and lifeless leading to a suicide attempt and a long stay in a mental health facility. Through all this trauma, heartache and loss writing is what kept me moving forward in the darkness. Despite the wasteland I was living in, the Good Lord saw fit to have me bursting at the seams with words. I had to write. I did write and I shared with many all that He was doing and teaching me. I thought I had reached a place of mental, emotional and spiritual health only to find myself completely and utterly overtake with anxiety and depression. These illnesses ravaged my body until I looked like a walking dead person and turned to starving myself of any nourishing food and filling myself with alcohol and prescription drugs to numb the unbearable fear I lived with on a daily basis. It has been a year since this last storm and battle began. I have managed to physically move on and gain some strength. I have made some life altering choices that have improved the quaility of my life and gotten me onto a better path. However, like you, the words that were once bursting at the seams are just no longer there. I have dried up and erased every blog that I once wrote. The thoughts of writing are but distant memories of a girl who seems to no longer exist. Many have given up on me and have despaired at what they deem as a hopless cause. And in many ways, I have accepted the lable. The guilt, shame and fear of mistakes and bad choices have left me feeling used up, dried up and worthless. Like the woman at the well who had been divorced five times and who’s reputation was mired and filthy, I feel alone. She went to the well at high noon when it was hot because she had rather deal with the heat of the day and be alone at the well, than the despising looks and malicious whispers of the “respectable” women of the town. But Jesus met her there. He looked her in the eye and offered her water from His everlasting spring and He gave her life, worth and a place in His kingdom from that point forward. I am that girl. Maybe Jesus is asking me to trust Him and make myself vunerable once again by writing. Expose myself and share my journey through my woundedness. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the courage you have shown because it is stirring something within me too.
Oh, Janelle. I’m so sorry for all the hurt you’ve had to carry. Thank you for sharing your voice and your story here. Jesus, be with Janelle and draw her to your touch.
Your words have been an encouragement today. I’m so sorry for what you have been & are going through, but none of it takes our Heavenly Father by surprise & He wants us to willingly RUN into His arms for comfort, strength & peace. Thank you for sharing from the very bottom of your heart & may God continue to bless you greatly as you walk through this part of your journey. We may never understand the whys to pieces of the puzzles of our lives this side of Heaven, but I’m so grateful His promises are true & He is faithful to keep them. He holds us in the palm of His hand. Thank you for being a blessing and keep writing whatever He speaks to you. Someone always needs to hear those words (maybe only to know they are not the only one going through it). Blessings in abundance to you & your family.
Courage. Encouragement. Praying for you! You have been missed!
Thank you, Alma!
So good to hear your voice. It is even more clear in this post that you have a huge talent; your words truly speak to your readers’ hearts. What a shock to experience what you did at your retreat and since then; however, isn’t it amazing the work God is doing in you. And I just know through this you will be helping even more people than you ever dreamed.
I get how hard it will be to go against family and to share “secrets” but with God’s guidance, you will figure out the answers and the right path.
I may not know you personally, but I love you and support you and am praying for you.
Thank you Nina for taking time to share your voice and for your prayers and kindness.
love you girl. =)
You’re just so sweet, Sarah. 😉 Your heart is kind and always so tender. Love from NorCal down to you in SoCal!
Thank you for writing. I’m saying a prayer for you right now. Thank you for speaking, in part, for all of us!
Thank you, Cathy!
Dearest Bonnie, I can’t tell you how often the Lord has brought you to the forefront of my mind these last several weeks. I am so sorry for all you are enduring, but I am *so* proud of you for your bravery, for your desire to share your story right now. I love you so much, friend. So. Very. Much. I continue to lift you up to our Father who is so proud of you. God bless and keep you, sweet friend!
Thank you so much, Kristen. There never seems to be enough time for us to talk. I feel as if we could talk on and on… and we’d just collapse cuz we’d need to sleep. 😉 Love to you…
Wow, I totally feel for you! I am glad you figured that out though because now God can move you through it and He will! 🙂 I have not written on my blog in about a month as well, but not for the same reasons…I am in a dry spell and simply cannot seem to write. I have ideas of things but when faced with putting them on paper…nothing comes out. Go figure. Well, I am glad you are back and that you are workign through the PTSD
Hmm… April! are you trying to get me back to doing Thursday Jams? … ‘cuz if you are, I think it’s kinda working… do you need a faith prompt? LOL. I hope you and your cutie pie are doing well. Miss u, miss u! Thanks for being here! So happy to hear your voice.
Your courage and honesty has been an encouragement since I found your blog. I have missed you!
Hi Becky! I’m so glad you found me too! Aw… gosh it’s so heart warming to be missed. Thank you for your encouragement!
You and I are in the same place for the same reason. Perhaps that is why I liked your writing before and hey… we even have the same first name. Guess what Bonnie means ? Good and beautiful. God will use the broken pieces to make something wonderful… we are God’s masterpiece. I have had the same problem with PTSD over events that occured repeatedly over 45 plus years of life until I was literally almost killed about 9 years ago. God had put it in my heart to write about it… but nine years have gone by and I cannot write. I have started and stopped a million times. I was diagnosed with PTSD after being stabbed about 30 times and beaten almost to the point of death. Truth be told, I sometimes wish I had died. My life has been hard and gotten harder and harder. I think… I may have hit bottom. My life does not seem that it could possibly get much worse… we had to go bankrupt… we lost our house and had to move to a small apartment and are having trouble affording that… I have not been able to work again but cannot get disability because I was a stay-at-home mom for too many years prior to have enough SS Pts. during the proper time period. I have had 31 surgeries in the past 9 years and need more… and now I am even afraid to get them. I just want peace and some time and space and serenity. I am so broken I feel like Humpty Dumpty… all the kings horses and all the kinds men, could never put me back together again. The only thing that could be worse is if we were homeless and without medical insurance… but with Obama in the White House… that could happen to. I am so very afraid. But I do still believe that God wants me to write this book. Every time I forget about it… God speaks to me through someone. Today it was you. Perhaps we can encourage and pray for one another. I should be able to remember your name no doubt !
Hi Bonnie! I love our name. 🙂 But, oh friend, what you have been through. I’m so sorry for everything. Thank you for sharing your story and for all that’s on your heart. May God walk you through as He has. right now.
Your words brought tears, Bonnie. I will be praying that you can write through to healing. At least you know that God is with you and that He is the one guiding you on! Peace to you and your lovely, supportive husband! May God richly Bless you all!
Heather Schultz
Thanks so much, Heather! God bless you too.
Bonnie, I’ve been through it, too. The depression, a panic attack, retreating in myself, fear, etc. But no more. I, too, have words I write that my family doesn’t want me to write, but God has been with me, putting His hand of protection on me. All He asked was for me to trust Him. Trust Him without doing anything–just write what He wants me to write, not write from a wound, but from grace and healing.
So write, Bonnie. Like you told me, write. Don’t be afraid. You have a voice. God wants you to use it, I think.
Yes, yes, yes! So blessed you are here, Nikole. And thank you for sharing that you’ve been through it too. Amazing God! Amazing you! 😉 May God continue to empower you to write what’s on your heart and use it for His glory.
Sorry to hear of your troubles, but happy that you are seeing clearer now.
Thank you, David!
Bonnie, I cannot begin to tell you how your story resonated with me and how thankful I am that today, of all days, that you shared this very specific story! It resonates with me to the core of my being….I’ve gone through so much trauma over the last 3 yrs and over 2 of them I’ve had panic, anxiety and the severe breakdowns you mentioned with my body completely going into a state of PTS, wondering if I was going to make it through the next 5 minutes or if my time had come. BUT GOD!!! You wrote that God was taking you through a time of healing and loving on you 🙂 I have so questioned why it’s over 2 yrs and I still have “Labyrinthitis” which is an imbalnce of the inner ear organ ~ my neurosurgeon said, it’s brought on by trauma, loss, stress, etc.
I too started writing a book several years ago and kept putting it off until this very day, it’s still not finished, because I put it on the shelf and wanted to “be well” before I could write and complete it. I’ve also had confirmations through prayer that “as I write, so will my soul, my spirit and my mind find healing”…. I’ve even put that on hold, lol
So, thank you for sharing your heart and I want you to know it was just yesterday in my pain I cried out to God, “what is it you have for me in this season?” I asked Him, I don’t feel well to go back to work and you know I have no income, doing life on my own….is it time to finish my book??? Well, I got your email this morning and I so resonated with everything you wrote, thinking, that’s exactly where I’ve been in my journey and wondering why God hasn’t healed me, why has He allowed me to suffer for so long???
Yet, it’s like a gentle nudge as I read your story, saying to me, “I’ve been telling you the same thing my dear daughter, I want you to write from your pain, don’t live in fear, use the talents and the gifts that I’ve given you.” In my journaling, God has encouraged me to share the tablets of my heart, that my story needs to be heard! Smiles
So my dear Bonnie, thank you for sharing as God so used your story today, that I would wake up and get this in my inbox ~ it’s like “G-mail (except it’s GOD-MAIL)”…… thank you, blessings always & Indeed!!!
Oh, Fiona! Keep on being courageous. You are strong for turning to God even in such pain. Thank you for standing next to me here with PTS and sharing your heart and your story. May God give you just enough for today, so you can feel His nearness and His embrace.
Oh Bonnie, I have tears in my eyes as I finish up reading your post. You are so loved, and I admire you so much for your transparency and honesty in sharing your heart with us. We are so honored to hear your heart, to hear what you have been experiencing. And I think your upcoming book will be even more powerful as a result of what you have experienced these past four months. But, it is not fun to go through this time – and I will be adding you to my prayers. You have been such an encouragement to me in my writing on my blog – and I have come to love you and appreciate you.
Much love & prayers for you …
Dear Cherry, how undeserved I feel to be surrounded by much love love and prayers. Thank you for writing with me and now standing with me with tears and prayers. You have been such an encouragement to me — your love for the Word and for words — your quiet spirit, strong and deep. Your voice tender and sweet. My dear poet friend, what beauty you bring to your family and your friends. Thank you.
Bonnie, I so understand…I personally have not written in 13 months! I, too, am waiting for something “good” to write, not that God has not been doing a mighty work, but it has just been so hard and hiding is what I seem to do when things get hard! I will probably re-read this post again…and then maybe I will have the courage to use my voice. Thank you for being obedient and for being an example to the rest of us! Blessings to you!
Oh, Jean! I loved reading your blog posts when you did share them. It IS so hard and hiding is what I do when things get hard. There is a comfort in hiding. That’s all I’ve known. And maybe you too, friend? If something in my words spoke to you, know it is His Spirit that touches your heart. If you do decide to write, let me know. I would love the honor of being there with you, too.
Oh Bonnie, my heart aches so much with your story…I share a similar one…and your words were a specific encouragement from our Lord and Savior to me. His strength truly is made perfect in our weakness and you have wowed my heart today with His amazing love. If I had pom-pons I’d be shaking them with tears streaming down my smiling face for you! Praise Jesus for hard journeys of deep healing!
Shandra… you’re so sweet… I was reading your words.. my heart so soothed… and then when I read the words “If I ahd pom-poms…” I suddenly pictured exactly that… Shandra shaking pom-poms.. and then you made me SMILE. Oh, girl! What a sister in Christ! Know I’m with you too!
You have just written MY story, too, except I am not a writer. I can boldly encourage you, because I am now on the other side of the breakthrough and healing. Your courage is an example to many, and I am sure you have/will touched a chord in someone else’s soul. Thank you for trusting, yielding, surrendering, and obeying Him. Your life is a torch!!
Holly, THANK YOU for taking the time to write and let me know you are standing here with me — and encouraging me on the other side. Praise God for the work He is doing through you, friend! Thank you Jesus for Holly!
Welcome back. You are not alone. It really is in the telling. That is when you discover so many others that are walking/have walked where you do. I walked the same path last July til Christmas, and freedom is a breathtaking, amazing thing…and it is possible with God!
Katherine, thank you for being here with me.. and I didn’t know so many have walked this path. Now, I have one friend closer because of this telling. Thank you and God bless you for sharing!
So glad you’re back 🙂 I missed reading your blog. Thank you for your honesty. I am so very blessed by it.
Thank you, Noemi!
Oh Bonnie, bless you as you walk through this path of healing and writing. Thank you for sharing your story. Just thank you for brave, honest, authentic. It will be a humble privilege to follow your words from today forward. Stay strong and brave in His love. And thank you for writing. It is a gift to receive your words on this end.
Thank you Elizabeth for taking time to write and be here with me. So precious… Jesus, thank you for this encouragement from my sister in Christ.
Thanks for honoring yourself and doing the hard stuff. You can do it because He is strong in your weakness. Not being trite, just encouraging you to embrace what He has and hold on tight. He will see you through. Also, this reminds me of another writer I like/follow Anne Jackson, look her up at annejacksonwrites.com. Rmember, the words you give from the desperate places are the ones that resonate with a desperate generation. We need your words, your uniquely you voice. No weapon formed against you shall prosper. In Jesus name, Amen.
Sherri, thank you so much for your voice here — and affirming me… allowing Jesus to connect us together on this journey.
Bonnie, I do empathize with you. I, too, suffered abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) at the hands of loved ones throughout my childhood and never said a word about it until I told my husband. Not quite true….the sexual abuse was ongoing by a “family friend” and when I told my mother what he was doing, I was told I was lying and was made to face him and apologize for accusing him of such a thing! I’m in my 60’s now and have 3 adult children and soon to be 8 grandchildren, but I never shared with anyone else what my life had been like. I married early (not yet 20) to get out of the house. After college we even moved to another state with my husband’s job, but the emotional abuse continued in the form of weekly, sometimes daily, letters and phone calls, telling me what a great disappointment I’d been and continued to be. It seemed that not only had I been a mistake but I was also unable to do anything right. That was minor compared to the emotional abuse heaped upon me while I still lived at home. At one point (while in my late 40’s), a psychiatrist who was treating my loved one who was in the psychiatric ward told me it was a miracle that I’d turned out anyways sane, considering what had gone on in my life. I told him it was solely by the grace of God. I didn’t know the Lord personally until my mid-20’s, but once I came to truly know Him, He started to heal me. However, I hid my true self from everyone (except my hubby) until I was in my late 40’s. I never shared with anyone what all had happened. Gradually, God showed me that I needed to be real/transparent in order to help or encourage others. It was a long, painful process, but bit by bit I shared with my closest friends and then later with those in our MOPS group where I served as a mentor. Freedom came slowly and through talking about what happened and sharing it so as to help others going through their own difficulties. I was finally able to truly forgive the wrongs done to me, something I thought I’d done when I became a believer. God helped me to truly forgive, and He reminded me that while all those horrors were going on, He was still Sovereign and had His purposes and plans for them. (Rom. 8:28; Jer. 29:11 ) So, Bonnie, I say, write it all out, as the Lord leads you. If you can share it but still forgive it, God will be glorified . And, you’ll heal.
Eyes on Him and Choosing Joy,
Penny
Hi Penny. Thank you for sharing. Dear Jesus, Thank you for how real and powerful you are — and how you never give up on us and take us in when we are so frail and hurt. Thank you for mysister Penny and how she shared her story so openly and with such confidence of your presence in her life. She is an encouragement to all of us and I pray you bless her right where she is at and give her a renewing experience of your kindness and love for her. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
As sisters in Christ we are here, right here in this moment as Christ is, to lift you and support you. May God’s guiding light bring you through this difficult time and know that you are LOVED!
Thank you Anne, for your prayer right here!
Thank you~for writing and for waiting on His timing to write. As I read your post, it was as though I was was taking a step along side you with each word penned. The words that came to mind at the end–“…my power is made perfect in your weakness…”–show just how Christ uses us even at our most broken, fearful, vulnerable places in life. Thank you for allowing Him to work through you!
Thank you Melissa for taking time to write and be here!
Hi Bonnie—I too have wondered where you were…I have read all of these comments–you are very loved ! how precious is that! I understand what you have been going through–it is hard and unless someone has ever had a panic attack–they have no idea–you almost think you are going crazy! but we are so blessed to know that God knows all about this and He is up to something great taking you through this! I so enjoy your writing–you write like i think I would write it I were writing–in fact your blog really made me think about doing a blog too…you keep writing and we will keep praying for you. God has something special for you and something special for us that read your writings. I am reading a book right now that is helping me and some things that have happened in my past that perhaps I didn’t realize I was letting them dictate my life. Have you heard of this book? “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die” by Karol Truman. You might enjoy this.
I will be praying for you and all you are going through and praying for your strength and peace…thank you for sharing…wish we could just sit down and have coffee together…I think we could be good friends! Blessings on you today
Hi Sunday, thanks for the reference of the book — and yes, we are having a virtual cup of coffee — and the words you’ve shared with me I know are from a good friend. 😉 *hugs* thnx for the warm welcome back!
Bonnie–I am new to the Christian blogosphere and only ‘met’ you in January/Feb. via Glynn YOung, I believe. I knew you sort of ‘went away’ to write a book and whenever it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard from you I’d remember and pray for you.
May I affirm your experience and say that this is definitely a Holy Spirit planned, God-ordered occurrence. And I hardly know you. But I do know we have an Enemy and he hates the light–when we are being set free he wants to keep us bound and keep others around us bound up as well.
I’ve experienced panic attacks and I know they’re real. But I know the power of God is strong enough to touch, heal and deliver as well.
May He give you a banquet feast in the presence of your Enemies as you walk through your Valley….of death and dying. Dying to old ways of life and the old you so you can walk in newness of life.
you will be in my prayers.
Any friend of Glynn is a friend of mine! 🙂 Welcome to the Christian blogosophere and thank YOU for welcoming me back with such grace and encouragement! Wonderful it is, being here with you.
Oh Bonnie,
I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through and what you have gone through. Just know that I, a stranger, am praying for you and am applauding your choice to share your fears, to share with virtual strangers your weakness so that you can help others and share the love of the Lord who lives so strongly in you and ultimately heal. I’m touched, I’m strengthened and I am proud of you for doing the hard thing – to trust in the still small voice of God and move ahead. Can’t wait for your book.
Hi Susan, thanks for writing and sharing prayers with me and being here today with me. It’s nice to meet you. 😉
Well Bonnie, I get you. Do not be afraid, God is with you, meeting you exactly where you are now and revealing to you where He was even then. He was with you, He is with you, He will be with you… As the roots of the trauma come to the surface, they can be dealt with, bringing healing and restoration, transforming you into the fulness of who He created you to be. Your voice speaks to a thousand ears of hearts trapped in wounds and lies, it speaks of perseverance and inspires hope because it tells of the faithfulness of the One who gives us utterance. Steady on friend! We are with you in prayer and love. <3
Dunlizzie, I felt so comforted to hear your voice. Thank you for speaking into my heart, standing beside me with prayers and love. Yes, what you say is true.. He is revealing Himself to me then… and even now… This is the crest of waves I am riding… and I’m thankful for your encouragement. Thankful for you.
Dear Bonnie, I missed reading your writing and so glad you’re back. I think this is one of the most touching and moving posts I’ve ever read. God bless you and lead you into all His very best.
Thank you for saying that, Maria. You are so kind and so sweet. God bless you too right where you are.
Bonnie Welcome Back! I have so enjoyed your posts. This one is the most beautiful one yet. When we open up our hearts and souls and humble ourselves like you have, there is something special that shines through. So sorry you have had such a trying time between family sicknesses and your own devastating experience at the cottage. God is working things out and healing you in a way you could never have imagined. Thanks for sharing the most intimate experiences of your life with us all. You are beautiful inside and out. 🙂
Dear Patricia, thank you for the warm welcome back. And such beautiful words.. my heart just is so touched. Thank you for taking the time.. May God bless you where He has you as well, friend! 😉
Welcome back, Bonnie. Thanks for courageously sharing your situation.
Thank you, Shawn for being here. For your encouragement and your words. I’m so thankful for the support and feel so blessed to be part of the team at Crosswalk. Writing for Christ is more important to me than ever before.
Hi, Bonnie! I read your post because Holly Gerth said on twitter it was so brave….boy was she right! I know you had to write this for yourself, but did you ever imagine how many others you would ever help, one of whom is me, for sure!…and I thank you for that! So many blogs I read, while good, even encouraging, are sometimes not ‘ real’ enough . I am struggling with some big time fears right now myself…..your bravery, honesty, is so empowering to me. Thank you for that. And I wish you well on your journey….God has a plan. Xxo
Hi Kathy! I’m so thankful you found me! 🙂 Any friend of Holley is a friend of mine. Thank you for taking time to share and be here.
Excellent to see you again.. my old written friend..
I am floored by your share in that i am a drastic mess with PTSD.
I have been wandering around for days– thankfully inside the safety of my home with my son & daughter n law.. they moved me here just May 19th before i literally ended up on the street in the hands of a sibling even. With that sibling as she got me away from another sibling who gave me severe trauma! I fled to him to heal from my trauma.
Woooowww to have written just that.. actually i am impressed how few words it took me …came about.
The trauma had been hitting from Every angle BIGGER than i could possibly have avoided without injury! i walk in His Grace… i keep getting in the middle of the road..traffic hour on Georgia…??/ LORD IT HURTS)))))
I cry a bit thanks to being able to open up here.
December hit the worst… followed by the loss of my dad and then my dog.
———————————– i emotionally have flatlined over and over and over again.
I had all the medical help incredibly in CA then here i am safe yet no medical care.
I need help…. i know The Lord would not bring me here to safety to leave me with no time for me!
I have a severe memory problem and i need help, i need my medication for it. I want to write on and i am thankful i am writing.
Thank you for sharing your reality Bonnie! Truth is our friend and Christ will walk us through yes…. I am encouraged in your story we are not alone.. though i wish i had a Dr P!!!
You will be in my prayers as i journey with you!
God Bless You,
Georgia
Hi Bonnie. I’ve only been following your blog for a few months now, but I wanted you to know today that I’m here! I love that you’re “writing afraid,” such a beautiful description. There was a time in my life when I was riddled with panic attacks and suffered from severe anxiety. It’s not fun, but it does draw you to becoming more dependent on God. I’m glad you know He’s with you through it. Consider it pure joy- God is growing you. 🙂
Hi Jennifer! Thank you for coming out to stand next to me, in my panic attack/anxiety phase of my story. 🙂 And to know that we share that connection and hear God has led you through. What a wonderful story He’s written through you, friend!
I, too, have a street I dread to cross. It’s a cyber prayer ministry I’ve been running for over a year, for kids with cancer. I started it when my 5 (now 6) year old was in her own treatment and I was clicking along for awhile. But it has been a struggle for several months now, after several kids I prayed for passed away. I took a two week break in May and it’s been hit or miss since then. I just don’t want to feel that pain. My daughter is almost a year in remission, happy, healthy and full of life. A large part of me wants to move on from our season of suffering with her but God has not left it alone. I had many panic attacks during her therapy, it was all so overwhelming. After she finished, I often said i felt like I had PTSD because we had just “come home” from a war for her life.
Thank you for your words. Your journey is so encouraging and I’m so grateful to you and The Lord for writing it. It reminds me that the hardest things to do are usually the best and most worthwhile. Bring broken is the path to life so I guess we both have to suck it up and admit it, huh? 🙂
Wow Faith, this past week I too had started to experience similar symthoms and God brought a too very painful traumatic experience too my present. Relief has just crossed by path and I breath deep as God tells me its too time to write. Time to heal. I’m a teacherand a writer but I need help, don’t have a doctor yet. All I’ve been sping for a week now is crying! Thank God for your post today! I now see a glimpse of hope beginning to shine through…. Praying for you…..
oh. Bonnie, how my heart hurts for you. how grateful i am that you are sharing this with us. i am honored that you trust us to pray for you. for healing, for inspiration. for strength and courage. for wisdom. for the right words. i am praying for you to face the anxiety, the fear, the unknown. i am praying that you have endurance in the battle.
i have been through my own battle with ptsd – -it is lonely and scary and sometimes it is hard to open the door to the hurt that may come. i haven’t experienced complete healing from mine . .but i have learned to breathe, to live in this moment. to give God control. because this woman who likes to be in control realizes there is really no way i can control my life.
know you have been missed . ..but i understand the need for sabbath rest. so know that prayers continue for you. they will be more fervant. May the peace that only God can give fill you to overflowing!
Hi Bonnie
I read your story…glued to your words even as i was squinting while scrolling my smartphone, telling myself I need to just go turn the computer with my big screen so I could see better, but i felt compelled to finish the story even though visually agonizing.
And then I breathed a sigh of relief. So I’m not the only one.
No I’m not having anxiety attacks.
But I just came through (I think I’m through it) a grueling, painful time of healing from trauma from 35 years ago…a time that I thought I had already dealt with way back then. This experience shook me to the core, revealed fears I thought I was way past, and it sometimes made me question my sanity. I cried just about everyday for 5 months. oh, I’d have a reprieve for a day or two here and there, and then I would think I was done, but the tears would start again. and continue. Finally i got to where i went a whole week without weeping, and that stretched into more days and then finally several weeks with no tears.
Like you, I’m the girl who isn’t afraid..who strikes out on new ventures..who trusts and loves God and has since I was a child. Who faces obstacles pretty much head on and refuses to let things stop her.
It was a person and event, on November 12, 2011, that did unravel trauma that was frozen in time within me. and I spent the 5 months that followed in emotional pain so unlike anything I’ve ever remember experiencing, and was afraid it would never go away. I had to deal afresh with a series of losses that happened over a period of several years…way back then…and I had NO IDEA that I was carrying such embedded grief and trauma from what happened.
Before this agony started, I was putting the finishing touches on a little study I had written on dealing with adversity and was getting it ready to send for editing. I put the study aside. I couldn’t bear to work on it anymore. I quit writing on my blog. I couldn’t bear to write deep stuff anymore.
And then it’s like God gave me a little push and opened a little door for me to write about the field I’ve been in for years, and enjoy sharing information on–photography. And so I began sharing information to give tips and advice for those who like to take pictures. And so I began writing again about a month ago on a tun topic.
And then I read your post this morning and I knew I had to get back to my study on adversity. And I also know I have to write about that painful period of time and how God brought me through. How I had to hurt to heal. And this morning, the tears that have been gratefully absent for the last 3 months have appeared again. Though I know I will have to relive that period of time as I write about it…I’m not afraid now to do so.
Thank. You. For sharing your story.
Joan, I am just glued to my screen reading your story too! 🙂 LOL. So amazing! May God continue to light your way and may He renew His peace and His presence with each tear shed along the way. God bless your writing and your journey to it!
Bonnie, thank you for sharing your story and your powerful words. I am currently experiencing this “healing” process as well, in the form of panic attacks, anxiety, and phobias. I, too, am suffering from some PTSD so that I can be healed according to God’s design. You aren’t alone and I know that it is in the walking through the painful places that lasting healing can occur. God desires your healing above all else. You are brave, strong, and resilient when you are honest, humble, and vulnerable with your life. Thank you for representing this process to so many who are struggling alone, strong and wondering what is wrong with them and questioning their faith and sanity. Bless you, Bonnie, and I will pray for continued strength, peace, and irrepressible hope for the journey. Julie Wisdom
Thank you for your prayers, Julie. And I pray for you too, friend. Yes, it is painfully “funny” when people call what I’m going through “healing”. LOL. Really. It’s only funny because there have been just so many tears. 🙂 Thank you for taking time to share and be here with your voice! God bless you!
I hate that you have had to experience what has led you to this season of your life. I am so proud of you and your willingness to shout that you are not going to let fear keep you from shouting into into the wilderness of the world. Your words will go far and penetrate the darkness. I am praying for you Bonnie. I too know that path of panic, and of surrender to healing. I have been in counseling since 2007 due to a life of sexual abuse, an abusive first marriage, and all that ensued. I am finally seeing a clearing in my life. A spacious place. A place where true freedom is with Christ. Where I am 100 percent the real me with God. He is preparing me to speak and to write my testimony. The Healer has shown Himself MIGHTY in my life, and He has no less MIGHT to do the same in yours. Glad you are writing again. Being real is the best ministry there is. I will say a prayer for you whenever I see your words in my inbox, and shout a shout of victory for my sister in Christ!
Oh, Melinda! I did not know and so glad to know this part of your story. What beauty it is to hear you shout in victory in Christ– you have done this work and know it IS work! 🙂 *hugs, hugs, hugs* my dear, courageous friend. Thank you for sharing yourself openly here… you are b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l to Him and to me!
We are strongest in our weaknesses. It took a lot of faith to cross that street and I hope it helped you in your healing. In recovery they tell us we are only as sick as our secrets. I think that applys to anyone with a secret. Thank you for sharing your secret and may you grow with God.
Glad you’re writing again Bonnie. We need you.
I’ll be praying that any spirit of fear in your life will be uprooted completely and cast out for good. Sometimes the healing process takes far longer than we would like, but I’m believing for your complete recovery.
Hi Ed, thanks for being here today — for your prayers and the encouragement. I never expected in a gazillion years I’d end up here via writing a book! Writing is a dangerous endeavor, but it is so because it is a spiritual endeavor in Christ. Words have the power to change us and remake us… No wonder in the beginning there was The Word… and then The Word became flesh…
I will be praying for you, Bonnie. It’s good to see you again through your words. I totally understand what you are going through because many years ago I suffered with panic attacks. It came on suddenly out of no where and I thought I was having a heart attack. My heart was racing, I was sweating, couldn’t breathe, dizzy, etc. I went to the emergency room…I don’t know how many times. I ended up staying indoors most of the time. I even had a panic attack just walking a few feet out my front door to the mailbox!! I was alone in this whole process and didn’t have any friends or anyone to really talk to. But I figured it out on my own. I was saying “yes” to too many things when I should have been saying “no.” Once I began to reject things I didn’t want to do and say “no”, the attacks lessened until they disappeared. There might have been more to it but I didn’t have the funds to go to a professional for help. I did get a prescription for low dose Valium, which helped but I got that from a regular doctor. It was very scary when the attacks happened and I did not have a relationship with God that I do now.
Thank you for stepping out and sharing Christine. What a wonderful way to show Jesus to us — through your story and your journey. Happy you’re here!
Wow! I have no words except to say that I have missed you and your heartfelt words. Such openess and full of adventure each time! Never would have thought this is why you weren’t writing much. Just thought you had taken time off to concentrate on your “book that wont go away” lol
I will keep you in my prayers Bonnie.
What God is getting ready to give you and do through you its more than you have ever dare to ask, hope or even think or imagine! lol
And yes, it is going to come from those broken places. Haleluyah! I believe in Him and I believe in You because He lives in You!
He will strengthen you.
Love always,
Adaykis
Hi Adaykis! Thank you for being here to welcome me — and also just happy to hear your voice! Much love…
Oh I probably should have added that I was abused a lot during my childhood by my older brother and sisters. They even told me how they abused me when I was too young to remember and they would laugh about it. Horrible. I stayed away from my family for 30 years and when I was in contact with them again because my mother had died (back in 2007), I discovered that they had never changed even though they are in their 70’s. I have no contact with them again because they are still abusive.
Bonnie, I am so thankful that you have found your voice and are bravely walking through this. My prayers are with you as you openly share.
Thank you for sharing so candidly.Your story kicked me right in the middle of my soul,because i too experienced hurt in my childhood.My experience surfaced in the middle of a job restructuring event out of nowhere it seemed.The thing is that mine was buried so deep and being in my 50’s i had no memory of it.I have now come to realize however that it was the force behind every decision i made,every fear i experienced.”BUT GOD” knew what He planned for me,and that He wanted all of my voice ,all of me, not just the mask that i wore and presented to the world.It’s a daily struggle but glory to God He never fails and when I am weak He is strong. Stronger than every struggle,every illness,every fear that held me captive.I now have hope for the next moment,tomorrow and eternity.God bless you!! As we walk on holding on to Him for our everything, fully trusting in Him to never let us go,looking forward to go to Him where there is no more fear or darkness at all!
Dear Hopeful, thank you for sharing so candidly about your whole experience with trauma… and how your story has God written all over it. This is a hard road, but we can do it because Jesus says He will not abandon us. You are beautiful!
waoh…am almost without words even though i have them all lined up in my brain. The easiest that comes to mind is what an inspiring testimony. so eye opening for me in many ways. encouraging and another reason why we serve a mighty good God who always wants to bless us yet at the same time cleanse us of all our hidden struggles.
praying for you as you press forward. from your writing i can tell that you are determined to make it through, and i rejoice for you. i know when you eventually finish your book, your will be oh so ready for what awaits you at the other end.
Thank you so much, Christine!
Thank you Bonnie. You ARE strong – strong in Him. The healing has begun. I am now awaiting the day when you will say – It is finished! My book is finished! 🙂
I will be praying for you.
Blessings to you,
Susan G.
Aw… Susan… 🙂 So blessed you’re here.
Bonnie, I know exactly what you are talking about… You will get strong again, no worries. God is in the center. Thank you for sharing this pain with us. You have helped me tremendously today.
So blessed you are here, Amy. Thank you!
“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”
– C.S. Lewis
Bonnie,
I’ve wondered where you were.
I’m sorry.
I’m sure God has you in his hands right now. A little girl, held on her Daddy’s arms, wants the pain to go away – even if he tells her she’s safe. And, it WILL be okay. And, he’ll always love her.
Write when you can.
Write when you must.
We’ll be here.
Blessings,
Dana
Thank you, Dana! What a way you have with words & encouragement. Yes, I am that little girl. 😉 Happy you’re here.
WOW. Just WOW!
Thank you.
Thank you, marieDee!
I too have done very little writing because it seems blocked by some unresolved past. I’m working on it, but it’s slow going.
I have read you for quite a while, and I really appreciate this part of your journey. I will be praying for both of us.
Hi Barb, this is real – this place feeling and being blocked. But, it’s so tender for you to open up and share that here — because you know, that opening up — you writing here — that too is real. And that place that is wounded is a place so tender. Yes, we’ll be praying for each other… thank you for being here, Praise God for your voice.
Hey, girl!
SO proud of you for writing this! I could hear your voice, you know? I’m glad you’ve spoken and shared this part of your story with us – invited us in. I’m praying with you; honored to walk beside you and to celebrate in the light.
Hey girl! I can hear YOUR voice, you know? 🙂 I hear your laugh and I also see your expression of concern… how your brow raises with tenderness and your hear opens up to hear. And how I intuitively trust you… yes, it’s His Spirit in you.. that is why. Thank you for praying for me. Oh, you are lucky you live so far away from me… or else I’d drive right over and knock on your door! *hugs*
Bonnie I’m so glad you are back and writing. I love how this is from the heart and not the head. You are so brave to share this with us. Please continue to write.
Thank you, Debbie!
It was so good to see you in my google reader today. Praying for you as you continue writing.
So good to see you, my friend! Amy! 🙂
Bonnie, I read here this morning and wanted to come back and comment because I want you to know you were heard! I am also recovering from PTS. I relate so much to your thoughts on wanting to get better first and then share later. You ask what is my street to cross and I think I have a few of those. One is sharing via blogging. I started the blog last month and find myself standing on the edge of the street so to speak scared to just write and post it for all to read. And yet when I do I find incredibly specific encouragement from others and find myself another step forward on my journey in freedom.
You have greatly encouraged me today and I HAD wondered where you were. I really resonated with things you shared on (in)RL and began to look forward to posts and tweets from you and when I didn’t was hoping God was encouraging you whatever was happening. So thanks for sharing today!! Praying for you and with you for God’s healing and peace in your life as you follow His leading.
Libby, I feel like you’re sitting right across from me here in the kitchen… and we’re visiting. I want you to know how special it is to read your story — as it’s currently unfolding for you — and to feel I’m somehow shown a page of it. Thank you for that. 🙂 and thank you for coming back to let me know I was heard. (aw… so sweet) I pray you will find that voice within you that wants to cross the street — and yes, remember, I am there trying to make my way across, in the middle shaking too!
Oh Bonnie! Yes, you must write. You must write to be free, to be fully at peace and rest. I am so thankful for this road He’s brought you forth on. He desires that we be completely free. He will not leave us broken and hurting. And as you write afraid, I know your words are going to help so many others who are walking in fear to find freedom. Thank you Bonnie for writing!
Thank you, Barbie! I’ve missed you and so happy to hear your voice!
Dear Bonnie,
You are very brave and God is so proud of you for taking that hard step. Your words touched my heart and I will be praying for you. In the past few months, I have had to learn to deal with fear when things come up that I have no control over, let alone know how they will turn out. But I can tell I have seen God in a new way. So personal and up close. While it has taken me a while to learn to leap in faith, the rewards of it make me stronger. Take that leap and know God is right there and the reward of being free will be worth. You are a beautiful heart.
Thank you, Tammy for being here & stopping to share your encouragement. Feeling so blessed.
Bonnie, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this excruciating process. You are amazing, and you are loved, and I am praying for peace and healing for you. I would love to know about your journey. I hope that you will share what you feel comfortable doing so with us. Many, many hugs and blessings to you on this road!
Thank you, Mandy! So happy to know you’re here. God bless you too!
Welcome Back Bonnie!
I too have PTSD and I also have migraines. God uses these to keep me humble and keep me conscious of how much I need to rely on HIm. I used to say those types of things because it is good Christianese but now I LIVE it and I find it to be perfectly true.
I found a way to make collage journals because I was too afraid to write words. I have to make a journal page at least twice a week to keep myself sane and focused.
Good for you for moving past the fear into the Light! Keep writing! Keep moving past those demons. You CAN do this!
Blessings to you,
Lina
Thank you Linda, and I’m so proud you’re here beside me as I’m stepping out. 😉 Blessings to you — and yes, let us write our hearts out to Jesus.
First off, my heart goes out to you. You are strong, especially with Jesus by your side. I can tell this by just reading your words, you write so well. I become captivated and can imagine myself feeling how you felt, it is difficult. You are amazing now and you will come out amazing when He is finished. As for me I know exactly how a traumatic disorder can affect us with issues from the past. It has been 4 years now since my ex-husband wanted a divorce, one that really caught me off guard. There are times when my son talks about him and their time together, or when I have thoughts about how he left and how he is now married to someone else that I start to feel tightness in my chest, unable to breathe. I feel panic and alone-ness, I have to tell myself to breathe, to be strong…especially since it has been four years. It is stress from my past, stress that became traumatizing because I did not want it then or even now. Stress that I would gladly exchange to correct things in the past that led to the divorce. It hurts deeply. I commend you for not wanting to be afraid anymore, to listening to Jesus, to placing full trust in Him. I have not come to that area in my life….I am unable to…even through counseling and praying I am lost and alone, which oddly enough I feel comfortable in. Your words are encouraging; however I must say that I honestly do not know how you do it. I am glad that you do.
Oh, Vanessa. This place you’re in is very hard. And I wish it didn’t have to be this way… I hope that I can share more of my journey and pray you’ll be encouraged by it — to continue yours — and find a next step, just like I’m asking God to lead me too. Thank you for opening your heart. Praying for you, friend.
((HUGS)) to you, dear lady! You do not walk this road alone. Thank you for your honesty, your transparency, and your willingness to obey the call to write through your healing.
Thank you, Niki!
Sweetheart! I am praying for you!!!!
Thank you, Jessica!
I teared up reading your post and I pray for God to fill you with strength to fight through the fear. He (and we) will be with you along the way xxx
Thank you, Lynne! May God bless you right where you are!
PTSD is not limited to physical or sexual abuse. The impacts of emotional and verbal abuse are equal in damage and trauma.
The above is the key for many, including myself. Hurtful words can never be removed & their scar never quite heals without the Lord’s intervention. And that intervention often is very painful. BUT as one who made it through, I can assure you that you will be a woman without measure, who will help many others heal.
The end of my journey led to writing a column on overcoming emotional abuse. Had I not endured the pain, I could never have been as transparent as the Lord desired. Through one e-mail our precious God showed me why this was my task.
As a nurse, I thought I understood the following verses:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement), Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction), so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God.
2 Corinthians 1:2-4
Amplified Bible (AMP)
However, I didn’t really understand… until I walked that painful road, which led to true forgiveness. But the Lord did not remove the memories. Without them I could not write for Him.
With prayer support & God’s comfort, you too will be able to be the conduit for healing others.
Remember that encourage means “to come along side of…”. All these comments mean many are standing with you.
Bonnie, I have missed your posts…
You are such a brave and precious woman of God, and I thank you for the encouragement that you have given me, personally.
Know, as others have promised, that I will pray for you in your journey through this.
you are stronger than you have ever imagined, and I know how there will be folks that won’t want you to write what you must write… but you must give words to that voice within you. God hears us even when we can’t find the words to articulate our deepest pain and shame. You are WORTHY of His love NO MATTER WHAT! Please know that we travel this road together, sister. Always here for you, Inez
Thank you, Inez! May we continue to encourage each other in our journey of faith!
Bonnie, …the healing has begun.
Embrace and enjoy the renewed physical, emotional and spiritual strength as it comes anew into and onto you. Reach and draw deep,…and keep sharing… so others may also drink of the well and find healing.
Keeping you lifted up.
Thank you for being here and sharing your heart, Ter! Grateful for your prayers.
Thank you for sharing Bonnie! More wisdom to share for us t learn as well! Our dearest Lord, Continue to Bless Bonnie on this journey!
Thank you, Vicki for being here!
Thank you for your transparency…..and I for one am hear to listen as you write/face your fears so you can heal from your trauma……God bless you…..
I am in the middle of helping my daughter who is in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage…..so I understand the pain and trauma….(and her hubby is a minister!)….Christians can suffer from fear…..but Jesus is there!!!!!! So glad of that….praying for you!
(62 yr old pastor’s wife)
Thank you Annee for being here.. and for your prayers, my sister-in-Christ. May God also draw near to you and your daughter… and refresh your heart, as you come alongside her at this hard stretch of the journey.
oh my, Bonnie. Praying for you as you walk this challenging path, as you tell your story and heal from the wounds. God is doing a mighty work in you. He will lead you through to the other side of this…. blessings, sweet friend. Write on.
Your courage… It’s beautiful. Thank you. Now I understand what has happened to me. I keep waiting until I get better. So I can live. PTSD (diagnosed 23 years ago) has kept me lo locked away. Limited. Keeping safe from those who dismiss it. Those people, like my mom. Like my doctor. Even now, as I write this, my amazing daughter gone at church camp, I am hiding. Attempting to lower my dose of Xanax. Going through detox. Alone. But I’m not alone am I… I have a friend. I have you. This testimony. I have my faith. Jesus is here.
Oh Kimberly. You are not alone. And you can take steps to let others in, even though it is scary. Because yes, there are people who dismiss it. But, there are those who understand and are compassionate. And you are right Jesus is here with us. And He can bring others near to you, to walk you through it too. Thank you for sharing your heart here. That is courage and I find it beautiful too!
Bonnie I really think you are a strong and vital woman. I too was diagnosed with PTSD at age 48 yrs of age. I thought also that all the bad things I had worked through and that I was done!! But I was far from done and my body and mind were telling me so.
Keep writing and keep sharing. This can only help your journey to wholeness.
God bless you Bonnie.
So touching to hear your story. Thank you for sharing your voice here Claudia!
Sweet Bonnie, you are so brave. Thank you for sharing your heart, so fully, with us here. I’m so happy that your Dr. P is speaking truth into your life – and so happy that you will continue speaking your truth here. Love you!
Sweet Mary — thank you for being here with me… I can see your joyful face and feel your warm hug. You always have a way of allowing others to feel safe with you. In your words.. and with your presence. Much love!
Thank you, Bonnie, for continuing to write. I used to have panic attacks when I was around your age. I was trying to take care of my girls and my aging parents, and ended up several times in the ER because of chest pains, etc. The doctors and nurses seemed to think nothing of it, but it was real to me. Thank you for pushing through, and God bless you!
Thank you for sharing Jean. And for your words of encouragement! God bless you!
I have been a silent follower of your blog since about last October, after a friend shared a post of yours with me. Over the following months I came to look forward to reading your new posts, and I have missed them during your absence. I want to thank you for facing your fear and writing this – it is good to hear from you. I don’t know too much about PTSD, but my sister has had problems with anxiety and panic attacks, and I know from my experiences with her that it can be pretty scary. So I just wanted to give you a big *hug* and let you know I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Hi Abby! You’re just a sweet spirit — thank you for coming out to stand with me and bring me the warm of your friendship — your thoughts and your prayers. May we continue to encourage eachother on this journey of faith! *big hugs* 🙂
Scroll through all these lovely comments, Bonnie – and see how much people love you, miss you and want you to be whole and well. I am so sorry for the pain of these last few months. BUT I am also grateful that the writing process has helped to surface the things that need the healing light of God’s love. And I know that God is faithful to bring healing, even into our darkest pain. And I thank YOU for being faithful in writing this truth out for us to read, and for writing it so very well. May God’s peace fill all the empty places inside you, crowding out the hard pieces of your memory and covering them with redeeming love. This is a good thing, Bonnie – an oh-so-hard thing – but a good thing. May you continue to grow in understanding, acceptance, and strength. Your story will be told. And it will bring much good. Count on it.
Thank you Diana for being here and as always adding your voice — in a way that echoes the deep Spirit of our Jesus. I love how you are in touch with that place within yourself — where Jesus whispers and how you listen so closely — and so your words are a blessing. Yes, the empty places… pray for me as the Spirit leads. Thank you sweet friend.
Bonnie – So glad to read a new post from you (though not glad for the troubles… but am glad for HIM with you through it all). I’m praying for you right now. And thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you Caroline for being here — so good to hear from you too! Missed you. 😉
Thank you for once again using your words to reach out and touch others. You have taken your first step and are on your way to successfully writing afraid. I have missed your blog and I am so glad that you are working through this – stay strong and know that you are in my prayers.
Hi Bonnie. You are loved. So very, very loved here. I’m proud of you, and proud to call you my friend. These words you’ve shared are gold. Refined gold.
We’ll talk soon.
Oh, Tsh! You just made me CRY! … like as if I didn’t do enough of that already! 🙂 No, seriously sweet friend *sniff* *sniff*, these are good tears you’ve touched in me… your words — a healing balm for my soul where it is tender. Yes, talk soon. 🙂 Thinking of you and all that is happening in the coming weeks for you.
My dear sister Bonnie, I have wondered where you were. It saddens me to hear that you have been going through this path. However, praise God, you are coming out stronger then you were before. We need to hear your voice. I’ve missed you. Being authentic is not for the weak of heart. Our Lord desires that we be our true selves with our true voice speaking loud and clear. I am so glad you are back. Hugs sent your way.. And of course blessings too
Bonnie, It is so good to read your words today. thank you for your openness. You are brave and a good role model .I have missed your posts. they always get me to think and try to get out of my comfort zone.
Welcome back
Blessings
Oh I wish I could sit across from you on the couch as we hold our drinks and look into your eyes and tell you how very brave you are to share this HUGE deal, even when you do not feel brave! I pray that you will be fueled with the daily courage to take each step that you need to. I wish I could lean across that couch and hug you right now…and pour strength into your soul like you did for mine back at Relevant ’11. You are TRULY an amazing woman of God…I pray as you walk this HARD HARD road…that the diamonds and pearls that are being created inside of you will shine brightly to the world as well as to yourself!
MUCH LOVE to you!!
Oh Lindsey. I can hear your voice and I am looking into your eyes. I feel you know… yes, sweet friend. And that understanding is a hug around my heart. You know I think the world of you and think of you often, whispering a prayer for you when I do. Much love, sweet friend.
Bonnie –
My heart and eyes shed tears for you over what you have been experiencing. Praise the Lord that He does indeed heal us from the inside out…even when we don’t realize it’s needed or don’t want too (been there myself).
It takes someone strong in the Lord to walk in and through the fear that this world and it’s wounds can cause. I am so grateful that the good Lord gave you courage as I have missed your posts and your smiling picture. 🙂
Sometimes we think we’ve hit the pinnacle of our faith but then the Lord says, “My dear, I want to take you to the next level.” I am so glad that you are climbing upwards on that staircase towards trusting the Lord and increasing your faith (Luke 17:5)!
Much love, Linda
Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
Dear Linda, I feel like you are right here next to me, at my kitchen counter — I can hear your beautiful voice.. and so thankful to God for sharing from your heart. God bless you, friend!
Yo go girl! Thanks so much for sharing this. Sometimes I feel the same way.
Courage is Fear that says its prayers. 🙂 Praying for your continued healing…may God use your healing to set many others free.
Oh sweet Bonnie. You are beautiful. You are brave … Jesus-made brave (as Ann says). I am praying for you as you heal and as God uses your words to help heal the hearts of others. Much love to you, sweet friend.
Thank you for being here with me, Angela. Thank you for your words and your encouragement, sweet friend! *hugs*
Bonnie,
Thank you for opening up your heart to us! I had missed your posts! I understand though your hiding from the things that you liked, I understand that feeling of panic and not knowing it is a panic attack but believing something else is wrong with your body. I experienced all that too before I started counseling. It was so hard to face my past and while nothing new was uncovered during my counseling that was what I was afraid of, finding something else that i had stuffed away for so long. Counseling was the hardest thing in my life I have ever done but it was the best thing to happen to me. Keep trecking along and just go step by step. Somedays you may not be able to take a step forward so just stay put and that is okay too. Take the time you need to heal your heart, you have people around you, and most of all you have God who will heal you completely. He may not give you all the answers to the questions you may come up with during counseling but I learned I didn’t need those answers, just him. I will pray for you and your healing with all this.
You know, I have been thinking about this post. I write but only whatever the Lord sort of dictates and I share but only with friends who might need to hear that.
However there are times when I simply do not wake up and do the listening writing…those are the times/seasons when I personally MOST need to be connected with Abba. But for some reason do not. That has been a pattern over time. I wonder, is it fear? Because there have been major traumatic days where the Lord has given me a comforting truth to cling to later.
The first time that happened, I wrote it and thought to myself, “Wow, what a neat word for the body. This is one I will surely share.” Part of that day’s writing was …”Today hard things may happen but remember, I will be with you.” That’s nice right? True. Right? Well later that day a granddaughter we had raised for 16 years suddenly left our lives with no warning, and in an extremely hurtful and public fashion. She is still gone over 4 years later. God surely did do for me EXACTLY what he had said in his word. So maybe I am afraid. Since then the same has happened a few times.
Why do I run from what I most need? I don’t know. Maybe I want to be an ostrich in the sand. But today I remembered this post, or actually God reminded me because there was a notice in email that you had replied to my other post.
I am in a time or running from the “listening-writing” because very difficult and scary things are happening in my life right now. Today my husband has an appointment with a specialist and my youngest grandson with a neurologist. And I am scared. My husband may be nearing the end of his life. Just a lot. However, I have shared here and so now I am going to go do the listening writing.
Thanks for this original post which Abba I believe used today again for me as well as for many many others.
God bless you as you continue the healing times with Him.
I did go write..and think I will share what I wrote..I am so foolish when I deny myself what God offers to me.
Beloved,
No need to run.
No need to hide.
I offer love, comfort, conviction.
Nothing more and nothing less.
When you run, or try to hide,
Do you find that helpful?
You know Me, precious daughter.
You know the truth about Me.
You know I will NEVER leave you,
Or forsake you.
You know I am always with you,
Now and forever.
So, Beloved there is no need to hide.
As you walk along “this” day,
Traveling the path which,
I have prepared ahead of time,
For you to travel.
Remember this, I am WITH you.
I am with you in this moment,
I WILL be with you within every single “next” moment as well.
There is nothing, not-one-thing,
You will go through this day or any other day,
Which I will not be aware of.
I AM God With You,
God Who Loves You,
God Your Comfort and
God Who Is Your Shalom.
Beloved? Thank you for listening today.
For pressing through the cloud and simply coming,
To be with ME.
I love you.
Bonnnie, I am so glad you have choosen to write. My prayers are with you as God takes
you through this journey.
Bonnie, Im praying for you.Ive been thru this.I fpund the “Shelter From yhe Storm” workbook & recovery group of Christian women the most help.. Cindy Kubetin Littlefield in Texas,with Dr Robt McGee,(I think those are the correct names ? :). ) ,wrote this recovery program,& its EXCELLENT ! ITS a healing p r o c e s s,& learning what your triggers are,&taking authority over them in Jesus name is something you learn in the support group. Of course freedom comes,as you learn to forgive those who hurt you,…again, thats a p r o c e s s as well.Jesus,our Healer will be with you ,& will strengthen &comfort you thru it. BECAUSE HE LIVES, I C A N FACE TOMORROW, Pat Jennings
Dear Bonnie:
I have been reading your blog for years, your writings bring me lots of encouragement and love from God when i need it most. But today after read this one, I feel sooooo sad to see you are suffering from the PTSD, it’s like seeing a sister is in pain T.T
i will be praying for you, though we dont know why he put you in such a painful situation, he still has a plan! Lots of times, we have to obey him(the holy spirit will tell you to do so) before we finally get to know why things happen in these ways, please read Romans 8: 28, pray God will uses it to keep you strong in faith, thanks for still choosing to write, with lots of love <3 God bless!
bonnie . . . praying for you and for this journey. thanks for your bold words and honesty in this; know that you’re not alone, and i’ve walked this path intimately too. keep writing, keep showing up and we’ll be here to support you through it.
What a testimony, Bonnie. Maybe that sounds funny, but it’s true! I was thinking the same that your therapist told you before I read it, “God is healing you and all your most broken pieces.” Not to the same level, but I know these experiences of healing and how hard they be to enter and let Him finish the work He starts. It’s very good and I’m so glad you’re able to share with everyone. Praying for you and speaking His great and wonderful blessings over you today. Thank you.
Bonnie, your writing has always been such a gift. Thank you for your honesty, and for sharing from your heart. I have missed you! God is so faithful.As I have gone through a time of healing from past hurts and woundedness, He has spoken to me over and over , the words of Psalm 121.
I will share:
I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.
Welcome back! I really enjoyed your post today. What an encouragement! So many of the things you shared really ministered to my heart. So often I think God can only use me when I am strong and have conquered all the things in my life that are broken. Even though it is difficult, it is comforting to know God can use me in the middle of my pain. May God give you the strength to continue to speak with your full voice! You are appreciated!
Oh, friend! I wish I could say I was surprised at this. And yet, I’m not. It’s incredible grace that you’ve walked this journey of fear. This story–of the fear and the not telling, too–is what makes it all so much more powerful and beautiful. You can trust in that, though I know it’s hard to see as truth.
Praying you through. Truly.
And I can’t wait to sit and chat with you awhile about all of this. Someday. Soon, I hope.
{hugs} and much love,
Amy
Hello Bonnie: Miraculously almost to the very day in March, I too, was unable to post to my Blog. And, in many ways, my recent experiences mirror yours, only to a much lesser degree. I did not suffer illness or panic attacks–only severe restlessness and lack of sleep. I was on a journey, I thought I walked alone until your post reminded me, “we have this treasure in earthen vessels” and “to whom much is given much is required.” Bonnie, we are more than Bloggers–writing is our destiny. Writing is not what we do–it is who we are in Christ. For us, writing is not a choice–it is our calling. Please pray for me as I will for you as we strive to serve this present age– doing what we must! Be Blessed my sister–you are already highly-favored.
[…] friend Bonnie took a brave step this week. I’m so proud of her. And I’m at the She Speaks conference right now where […]
I just read your post having followed a link from Holley. I am so glad your trust overcame your fear. Thank you for being so honest and transparent. When we can dare to be transparent then people can see through us to the Yeshua inside .
Often we cover Him up with our “I’m OK” attitude and our need to be seen as “being altogether because that’s what believers are”. People are not saved by being drawn to us, they are saved by being drawn to Him. That’s why we need to be transparent isn’t it?
OK, finished preaching to myself now!!
God Bless you Bonnie and bring you to complete Shalom in Him
Bonnie. Hallelujah! I have to write to you because your post touched me deeply. I, too, am in the throes of writing a book that is dredging up my past. I so identified with your words. I grew up afraid. The difference between me and you, I think, is that I let fear define me, motivate me and control me. I have never had a panic attack, but I have witnessed many of them with my friend who is experiencing her own healing, and God is moving in incredible ways in her life. I am forwarding your post to her, knowing it will encourage her. It is so relevant. I snuggled up to my fear, never denying it, but letting it paralyze me. I don’t have a publishing contract! However, the process, whether or not it reaches publication, is changing me, teaching me, empowering me. Thank you for writing! I was discouraged this morning, but with the tears that your post evoked, my heart is expanding in praise. God bless you. Lois
Bonnie – Thank you for being brave enough to share AS you are going through the dark, scary places! It is actually a wonderful thing, as you know, that the Lord is doing. Actually, I sense that He is doing “a thousand things” that will cascade into eternity with the beauty and splendor of who He is and how He is reflecting in your life and then because of that into so many other lives! It is truly amazing! Bless you dear sweet sister as you go thru this journey, we are all going thru with you on some level and am so excited to see/hear some of what will come from it. You and the women here will be in my prayers too!! He will accomplish what concerns you – it’s all about His story! You are such a blessing!
Oh, Bonnie! I’m SO sorry for your PTSD! I’ve been there, too. And God is working on me right now, & I’m kicking & screaming to avoid it – go figure! He began a good work in you, and WILL be faithful to complete it in you. Stand firm!!! I love you & your writing!
Oh, Bonnie, I cannot begin to imagine your struggle, but I know in Whom you find rest. It is my prayer for you that you find true peace through this journey while resting in the finished work of your complete healing and restoration. The devil is a liar who cannot steal your voice of truth in Him.
Ginger
Hi Bonnie, I came across your site for the very first time today… this post. I followed a rabbit trail that started on Facebook and ended here. I am so glad I did. I am working with a psychotherapist right now (and have been for almost 3 years) dealing with emotional trauma from my childhood. I am 39 and keep thinking, what am I doing… I should be over this… how could I still be dealing with this? I had to cut off contact with my family of origin just over 4 years ago. Still feel guilty about it, but also know that I had to do it in order to even begin to heal. Working heavy in the shame, vulnerability, authenticity realm currently and this post is just so spot on. I have not had panic attacks, but have had a host of physical illness that has roots in stress. Stress that is caused by years of not dealing with the root of my problems. I’m praying that the Lord will restore the years the locusts have stolen. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very validating for me to hear it right now. Thank you!
Wow. This is my first time on your page. And this is what I read. I can hardly believe it. I’ve recently been diagnosed with PTSD as well, due to childhood trauma. A series of events triggered severe depression and anxiety and I thought for a while I might not make it, I didn’t want to make it. It’s still a struggle every day to choose the light and not fear the dark parts of me that threaten like a storm on the horizon. And what’s funny is that I’ve committed to writing as a way to navigate the healing. I’ve avoided writing myself for a long time, afraid of what would come out if I “opened that vein.” But the story needs to be told, even if it’s just for me. But I know it’s for more than just me. Like yours will be. Thank you for sharing! I don’t feel alone in this anymore!
What courage you have. I am overwhelmed to see this trend in Christianity of a return to the authentic and to brokenness and His strength made perfect in weakness, and He still is doing a new thing … always and over and over again. He is doing a new thing because in this season of Christianity — in our “such a time as this” — He is showing us that sanctification means emotional health too and that He always was and is Lord of the whole person and He died for freedom and won’t settle for less in us and for us. Bonnie, I so appreciate your truth-speaking courage. Thank you for sharing not just the polished parts, but the parts we are all tempted to white-wash and build walls around. When we build those walls we keep others out and create voids of vaccuous lonliness. When we build bridges out of our broken and imperfect lives, we let others feel safe enough to take the same risks. That is what you are doing by sharing your struggles — you are giving courage: encouraging. You light the path for others by letting us see what you have been through. Thank you for this. My life is equally imperfect, ugly at times and yet always touched by His grace and never left the way it is found. I won’t go into my story here, but I just want you to know we all have one and thank you for being faithful to share yours. May you continue to know when to write and when to percolate.
dear Brave One,
I found this post via Holley. And I just want you to know although it feels contrary – YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I don’t mean it in the “Jesus is always with you” kind of way. ** YET HE IS WITH YOU!** But I mean it in the, “Hey that happened to me too!” sort of way.
Circumstances were different but the results were the same. I came to the end of myself; vulnerable, scared, ashamed I couldn’t be stronger and keep things together. I felt my life was over. Everything crumbled around me: career, marriage, ministry, even my hobbies. I was nothing but a naked little orphan standing in the middle of a desert alone. But Jesus’ love so enveloped me, so overwhelmed me that every bit of hurt, shame and pride was squeezed right out. And He alone loved me whole. It has been an extremely difficult journey, but I wouldn’t go back and do it any different if I was given the chance. The depth of His love I have now experienced, the new understanding of His grace and the unparalleled waves of compassion that roll out of my heart – – that hellish road was worth every pain, every tear and every heartache.
Leaving the past behind us is actually quite a dangerous thing when it holds a lot of unresolved and unhealed pain.
Be encouraged, you are not alone. And God will not let you go.
In the darkest moments His love ALWAYS shines the brightest. Its not a catchy phrase, it is what I have experienced many times over.
What you may not realize is YOUR writing will unleash and unlock the trauma for many other women. I believe that is why God’s asking you to have courage and write through your pain and through during healing. I guarantee you MANY WOMEN will find their own healing by reading of your experience.
God bless you as you write and as you lead them into a greater understanding of their own traumas.
Although it feels like its just about us, it never is. Gods ways are so much bigger and His purposes so much far-reaching than we ever see.
Much love, many hugs (you will be in prayers)
xo natalie
ps. Although the book was written for the victims of sexual abuse, you may find many principles in it that help with emotional healing as well…
The Wounded Heart ~ Dr. Dan Allender
http://www.amazon.com/The-Wounded-Heart-Victims-Childhood/dp/0891092897
Bonnie, I came over to your site from incourage. Thanks for your honesty and openness. It was an encouraging reminder that we do keep ministering as we allow the Lord to heal the broken pieces of our lives and hearts. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t have to have “obtained” it all in order to write (love it) and reach out.
I often have to think of Nester’s quote, “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.”
God continues to bring healing to trauma of my heart. Just this past week something triggered for me. I sometimes have to remind myself that the beauty of the triggers are that I can get the healing I need because I know it is there. I love to sit on the lap of Abba and Jesus and let them minister to me.
Blessings and peace on your healing journey. You have taken a courageous step with your honesty in writing. God is using your redemptive story to touch many lives. May God’s love wrap around your heart afresh today. Shalom to you and yours.
Bonnie – who shares my name and is my sister in the family of God…shares some of the woundedness from our growing up years…and again, after reading your post, we share some of these feelings, too, of anxiety and fear from the wounds of the past – not wanting to go there, thinking we’re okay…I wanted to write you “privately”…not an option.
So I step out bravely and acknowledge in my heart some of my pain, and I thank you for writing … and hope your sharing has helped in the healing process of your soul…as it has mine, as it empowers me to open up so I can heal, too.
May Our God continue to use you, use your words, to help others in our family of God to heal, as well as those who are on their way into His family…and may we all be brave enough to pass on our stories and the Hope we have in us… love you, sister~Bonnie
Bonnie – I found your website from the (in)courage blog I received today. I know without a doubt this is the work of our Lord. I too have PTSD and am working with a therapist to get thru very painful childhood memories of sexual and emotional abuse. I have been seeing the therapist since January of this year. She uses a technique known as EMDR to help heal the symptoms of PTSD. I will be starting this process next week. I just bought a book called “Getting Past Your Past” by Francine Sharipo, the woman who discovered this type of therapy. While I have hope that this therapy will help, I know that it is our Father Abba who is the only one that can heal me. I will keep you in my prayers and ask the same from you. I have subscribed to your blog and look forward to hearing from you. Grace and Peace to you, Karen
I am sorry to say that today is the first time I have visited your blog. I went there only after reading a post you made on (in)courage this morning. It is always amazing to me the timing of God, that he could connect two people together going through very simular things although worlds apart. I also have begun to struggle with anxiety and have had panic attacks but oddly, until you mentioned it, never put that together with the PTSD I have because of a very angry father and a turbulant childhood. I am still not sure why that is a particular “ah-ha” moment so I will have to spend some time pondering that. The Lord has also told me to write as He is walking me through years of pain. Pain I beleived had no right to be there because I had CHOSEN forgiveness. He is teaching me that the forgiveness does not make the pain go away and that the only way to true healing and wholeness is through the pain, NOT around it, to the great joy awaiting me on the other side. He is helping me understand I can never be FULLY filled unless I am comletely wrung out of all of the wounding I had hidden in my heart. And as I hesitate, procrastinate and resist by every means known to a very resourceful mother of 5, I am continually overwhelmed by His gentle hand that somehow moves me back to the kebaord to once again be surprised at the words that appear on my screen and the revelations of His grace as I turn what has lived hidden in my heart into words on a page. The hands must have the ability to bypass the brain and let God get to the deepest part of my heart. I always want to attack things from a place of strength so this feels so different and so much harder. And as I said that, I just realized that it is because it requires more dependence on Him. Hmmm…more to ponder. Well, that was quite the long to say that you are not alone. Thank you for being vulnerable and open and letting God encouage me through you today!
Thankyou for sharing that. Your story is so close to my own that it startled me! I just wanted to say that all the pain/fear is worth it. God’s healing took some time for me but in it I have learnt the wonderful thing of being myself in a much deeper way. Occasionally now something will trigger stuff from the past but now I can take that next bit to Jesus for His healing presence in it. Keep going, I’ll pray for you. If you thought life was wonderful, well, you have even more joy and blessing to experience.
I’ve walked the same path as you for 20yrs, but was housebound for part of it. I am totally well now, and praying for you. You will overcome!!
Thank you for sharing your story. Not messy but beautiful, authentic living is what I see.. You are courageous in the true sense. It does not take much to share the easy, successful, neat moments. You shared your heart even when the bandages were just coming off. Thank you for your courage and obedience to our Maker. Stories like yours make us strong way after the warm feeling from a good read has cooled off.
Praying for His beauty to be continually seen throough you.
Thank you again !!! I feel I was totally meant to read all of this tonight — 2 of your posts — and both on fear / anxiety , etc. You see, I, too , am “much afraid” — and God is healing me along the way and has prompted me to write — In a crazy , wild way that only God could do — the writing has been such great therapy and healthy processing for me — even in my fear — Pray that I , too, will be able to speak in my “full voice” . May God anoint you with His peace as you press into Him and keep writing !! Please keep writing 😉
I am lifting up praises that you shared your story. Thank you!
🙂 It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has avoided writing on their blog, waiting for that healing to take place and pass. I’ve been pretty sporadic about posting since November for similar reasons. Thank you for your bravery to post here again. I need to face up to it too…
Bonnie,
As I read what you wrote today, I was reminded of a few verses that I’ve seen in a new light lately. I’ve put them together in my mind, and they’ve helped me be at home in God better. Psalm 32:7 says, “You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” And, Acts 17:28 says, “In Him we live and move and have our being.” God IS our home! Praise His Holy Name. No where else am I “at home” but in God; that’s what He created me for and that’s what He desires…..that I live, rest, act, think, and do….in Him.
Penny
I’m new to your blog Bonnie, but I want to encourage you as you have encouraged me. Keep writing what you know you must, no matter how hard it is: ‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is right. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.’ -Galatians 6:9 I am embarking on a new venture as well and God has shown me a slight glimpse of what is to come and I’ll be honest, it scares me a little…a part of me wants to say ‘no’, but He reminds me that this is the only way to go for us to get to where He has promised to take me. Your words were so helpful in putting things in perspective and I realize that this journey will be about Him teaching me obedience and how to fully trust in Him at all times. Thank you for your willingness to put yourself out there, I am blessed because of it. Vikki
Dear Bonnie, This same thing nearly paralyzed me in my late 20’s with four small children,one with Autism, woodstoves for heat in my childhood small home,no town water connection,only a hand pump and a driven point in the ground for water.It hit in 1982 on Thanksgiving evening.All at once in the old kitchen,I couldn’t breathe,ran outside in a total painic sure I was dying and didn’t want my children to see.My then husband,got a neighbor friend to take me to the ER.while he stayed with the children. I talked to God all my live.At that time I was in late 20’s but through all the sex abuse,beatings,verbal abuse,and being sent to church never accompanied,I guess it was too much.My Mother had just died,it was her house,I had to deal with a family member in prison,a graveside service,no car,no money, father not in picture, I had been through a divorce,a Major surgery,a move from a large airy apt.in another town back home,to the house where alot of abuse took place.I kept remembering things.Things I’d thought were prayed about forgiven and gone.God let me go to a hospital with a wing for people who need a diagnosis.Mine came back as Ptsd,Agoraphobia,Depression and General anxiety.Wow.I’d never taken any med for longer than ten days for things like strep(it’s horrid),an infected tooth etc.It seems so many things piling on all at once along with my past just smacked me,hard!I have to take a med.I had to give up my RN-BSA,trainning and settle for CNA,then Starting LPN,then odd jobs,Wreath Making,Cleaning Offices,whatever I could handle.My Children and I have been blessed so much.I have had many panic attacks and now I self talk the fear away and talk to our Heavely Father.I admire your courage,Bonnie.I was ashamed,back then there wasn’t much done about Ptsd,Panics,etc.Now there is so much more.Many people who are trainned to help us all.God is in everything.God Bless You Bonnie,and thank you for your writing!Always,Prayers and Love and Hugs,Mary
Hi Bonnie,
Thank you for this post. I have been struggling with panic attacks daily along with some depression. Some childhood memories have recently come to the surface for me too – at 40 years old. I’ve been so exhausted and fear that I have been letting the enemy have his way. Thanks for the reminder to write afraid. Praying I have the courage to open myself up again.
[…] I thought for sure you were going to turn away. I swore I heard people clicking “unsubscribe” by the masses, even before I finished writing. I imagined people whispering to each other, “Oh, you know that Bonnie? …” […]
Dear Bonnie, I just went through the same thing last winter. Felt so all alone and thought I’d done something to deserve it. My counselor told me something I cannot get out of my mind, that the depression, panic attacks and so on were God’s gift to me. At first that was a hard pill to swallow but later I came to see she was so right. Now I’m on the road to healing. Thanks for sharing with us.
I’ve missed you Bonnie. I’m so glad you decided to write scared as your Dr. P says. When we are broken, only God can lift us up. In brokenness, others can identify. Because you see, we are all broken.
My mom’s smile and outgoing personality covered a multitude of hurts and pain from her childhood. She stuffed so many emotions in her quest to live a good life, not allowing her past to interfere with her present. To raise her children in the best way she knew how. I learned to stuff things as well. I don’t have a childhood of abuse. But I learned from an early age to please. I learned what made my dad smile. If I ‘looked’ pretty, people responded better to me. My mom lived through my teenage years as she hadn’t had fun. I didn’t let her down.
Being born with a congenital heart defect however did slow me down. I saw and heard conversations whispered behind closed doors about me. I saw the tears of my mom as she did’t know if her little girl would survive. I vowed to not make her cry so I became strong and brave. I had open heart surgery at seven years of age and refused to cry despite many injections and IV pokes. I would be brave. I was in the ICU after surgery with many adult patients who cried but not me. The only time I cried was when I saw my mother’s face as she couldn’t hold me. I was in an oxygen tent hooked up to so many tubes and monitors. I still remember the dress she was wearing to this day and that was 52 years ago on July 20th.
We learn through our struggles and our pain. Panic attacks are very scary. When I worked as a cardiovascular nurse, we would see people who had symptoms similar to a heart attack. And often they would avoid any situation that might bring another panic attack. I’m so glad you got some help and identified the trigger. And yet you are trusting the Lord to get your through and to heal you completely. I know you will help many people with your honesty and transparency Bonnie. Keep on writing when you can. I will still be tuning in to listen and to pray for you.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
I just discovered FaithBarista this morning. I just wanted to say thank you for your courage and for caring enough about others to share your journey. I can tell by the other comments that you are deeply loved by your readers and I surely understand why. Thank you for modeling a beautiful faith journey.
[…] with Amelia my daughter’s teaching me Doughnut peaches This raw and honest post by Bonnie https://www.thebonniegray.com/2012/07/why-ive-been-away-why-i-must-write-now/ Psalm 27:7-10 walking away instead of entangling prayers […]
Thank you for your vulnerability. I shared this post with a young gal (college) that I have counseled for over a year who has been battling PTSD. Your post encouraged me to start sharing my story as well. While it isn’t PTSD, it is a story of wounds from the past. Thank you. Praying for healing for you.
[…] How is God calling you to speak in your full voice? ~Bonnie Gray in this post […]
Hi Bonnie – I just found you yesterday but boy did this message you wrote on panic hit home with me. I had my first panic attack when I was 30-going through my 2nd divorce, hitting 30, moving from the city to the country and changing jobs! I had my attack on the highway and thought I was having a heart attack. I was lucky enough to find a great dr to talk to who explained about panic – I am 59 now and still am unable to drive on highways. I’ve tried many, many times since. I even get in a ‘panic’ mode if I have to drive more than five miles from home and I resent it so much. I have a keychain in the car that says “God is my Co-Pilot”, I have an angel stone I hold while driving, and I talk to God like he is in the seat next to me. I want to go places on my own and I feel like I’m not doing something right in that the panic doesn’t go away after all I am doing! I know I feel fantastic when I am able to push myself, with God’s help, and drive somewhere and I feel like I am doing something wrong if I am unable to drive somewhere-even with me talking to God the whole time! I’m so glad I found your site, I really look forward to reading more of your messages. debbie
I have checked back periodically to see how you are doing. My dear, sweet friend. What a good God we serve who does not leave our healing incomplete. My prayers are with you dear one as you move forward keystroke by keystroke. And when we are at our weakest is when God shows Himself strong. I’ve certainly experienced that in my life—still am. I’m here for you Bonnie. Always here.
Dear Sister Bonnie,
I clicked on your blog from a share from a mutual friend. I’m very glad I did. I suffered chronic anxiety for about 9 months, got better and then once again during post-partum. I was a believer in full time ministry, how could this happen to me? I’d ask myself? I told my doctor after the first one, “I should have just talked myself out of it.” He answered me soberly, “You can’t really do that. They are very real and very scary and sometimes take a while to get out of your system.” I was right there with you, and want to give you encouragement that you are being healed and God is El Roi, the God Who Sees. I did want to share one tip the doctor gave me that helped me on many occasions and I’ve shared it with many others: “If you feel a panic attack coming on, try to get outside,” he continued “even on a cloudy day, it’s still brighter outside than inside and it helps.” I will pray for you, my dear Bonnie and thank you for sharing your heart. You are brave and courageous.
Your story sounds so much like mine and you voice the courage that I daily struggle to find! Thank you for your ministry – God Bless You in your journey!
My dear Bonnie:
I have missed your blogs these last few months and want to thank you for sharing from the bottom of your heart. Your transparency and authenticity are such a rare treat. I am praying for the Lord to continue to give your strength along this journey and to being beauty out of what some could say might be ashes. We don’t believe that your pain is comparable to ashes but I know that God will bring good out of all of this. Blessings and prayers coming your way!
Sisters in Christ,
Brenda from Los Angeles
PS We’ve never met but we have a lot of the same wounds.
Hi Bonnie,
This is the first time I am responding to a blog – God led me here I suppose.
Your story really resonates with me and kindles a tiny bit of hope in me.
I know God’s given me a gift to write,I know this is the vehicle through which I can reach others.
But as you were, I am in a frozen state, except it’s been years and years.
I know it’s not dead since every now and again I send an email out at work, where it blazes out – not that my coworkers appreciate my (long winded) witticisms 🙂 Otherwise I do nothing, I say nothing that is fully fueled by the Holy Spirit.
My relationship with God is lukewarm at best.
But He led me here, so perhaps, you with your courageous expression of self and the full disclosure about your fear is meant to inspire. I hope so. I’ll keep watch. I try to read a little something every day now. Hoping if I get full again, something brave will spillout. Thank you!
I just read your story on Crosswalk, and was so overwhelmed by your faith and bravery. I, too, have been dealing with PTDS for a number of years. I had recovered fairly well for awhile, then a tragedy happened that sent me reeling. I cried out to God and through the slow process of healing, He has brought me to a place I never could have imagined I would be now. He never left me, even though others did. Some could not handle my grief, others criticized my weakness. Now that doesn’t matter. I may be weak, but HE is strong! Praise His Holy Name!
Thank you for sharing this fantastic post. I just wrote a blog post this week about the silence I have experienced in my own blogging journey. It’s called , “The Silence of the Dam”.
I wrote it as self prescribed therapy.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I can’t express properly how much I have learned and how much I needed to hear what you said.
-Amanda
Hi Bonnie, Your blog is a link on my desktop but I haven’t visited for months. I clicked on it today and went back to read this post. Oh my!! SO many of your words are my words—your journey over the last few months has mirrored my own! To see you put to words the freedom journey that God has taken me on took my breath away! Wow!
I suffered trauma as a young child and built up loads of baggage to cope with the damage the adults in my life were causing. While I’ve been working through the baggage over the years, there were 3 main ones that felt impenetrable—unapproachable. God recently named each one and then allowed me to see the lie that was at the center of each. I’ve been on a journey to replace those lies with His truth. He has set me free–my chains are truly gone! I’m living and breathing in freedom for the first time in my nearly 44 years! I’m learning to be an emotionally healthy wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. I’m so humbled to be at this place in my life!
What a journey—I am no longer a captive! Celebrating with you.
Christi
[…] here I am — even having written to you a couple weeks ago — I want you to […]
Bonnie, I came to you via Crosswalk weekly. However, I am wondering if we may have met a year ago at She Speaks. Regardless….thank you for braving the dark and coming back into the light with breaking your silence, thus freeing others to do the same. This is truly how the church works at its very finest: we share our struggles, our successes and come along side oneanother as we walk uphill or down, depending on the circumstances. May you continue to find much healing, love, grace and mercy and may that continue to spill upon those whom the Lord plans in His perfect timing.
We serve an awesome and intimate God. I am blessed to walk this road of life along with you, looking expectantly to what is to come!
Oh, Bonnie. I’m just now seeing this, and by the steady stream of comments, you must know by now that you are not alone. Almost one year ago, I had a panic attack. Only one, but it was awful. I can’t imagine having them over and over again. It is terrifying – but your therapist is wise. There is much to confront and deal with, and there is hope on the other side. I’m cheering for you.
[…] month to go heads down to finish the manuscript for my book. But, as you may have already read in my blog post last month, that was when I had my first panic attack. You’d think that writing would be therapeutic […]
[…] will be afraid. Very afraid. But, even this cannot destroy you. Even if you don’t believe it. It […]
I was told of your blog from a friend of mine, her knowing the journey I’m about to take that has been needed long ago but I was way to scared. Just thinking about the unknown scares the …..|~<~|<
Out of me but I believe for such a time as this I'm prepared to journey this path. I just read your first entry, July 17. So I'm excited that I'm not alone?
Thanks for writting scared:)
Kkmonsters
You’ve come to mind several times lately, and I was wondering why you were so quiet. Lo and behold, today a whole bouquet of your posts showed up in my Blogger “follow” feed, yet the dates are weeks old.
I’m so sorry you are suffering this way, but I’m thankful now to know how to pray. “Much Afraid” is my old name, too. Have you ever read Hinds’ Feet on High Places? If not, you might find it helpful.
The “street” I need to cross just now is two nights away from home with my husband. The last two times we’ve traveled (2 years ago) were so physically painful that I have some anxiety about just traveling to the other side of town.
You are brave and faithful to press on in God’s call. May the Lord set ambushes against your enemies as you praise Him. Glory to His name for guiding you to the help you need and an excellent therapist who loves Him. May you know His delight even more as you walk in truth more fully.
[…] last time I looked at my manuscript — writing the belly of my book — I experienced a panic attack from seemingly […]
My daughter had/ has PTST. Personally What you describeed couble very well be panic attacts or my anxiety. I hear you and am praying for you sister. Please keep writting!
[…] Through my PTSD (post-traumatic stress)– my panic attacks, my inability to do so many of the things I used to do, my tears and my insomnia — Eric has been there night and day. […]
Dearest Bonnie. I’m sorry I didn’t see this post before now. I missed you terribly when you were gone. I just assumed you were off doing some big project.
I hate satan! I especially hate a spirit of fear. I was bound by fear for many many years. I was titled agoraphobic too. In my life, the first panic attack happened at a stop light where I was trapped (and in public). Unless people have been there, there is NO WAY they can understand. Satan used that time to strip me of who I was. I had to rebuild myself on God’s Word and fight my way back to wholeness. The Word of God IS your sword Bonnie, and you will discover it more now than ever before.
If you would ever like to talk with someone who has been there — I would be glad to share my number with you. Just let me know.
Love, prayers, and understanding …
Beth
[…] Why I’d been away and why I had to write that day. […]
Bonnie,
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and raw with us. Feelings buried alive, never die! I know it’s so painful and scary and uncertain. But you are doing the right things to allow your soul to be open to the healing Balm of Gilead!!! I will continue to pray for you and ask that He surround you in a cocoon of peace and safety as you dig up these buried feelings, expose them to the light and bathe them in His grace!
Blessings, sweet sister!
~Erin
Bonnie! It’s so great to hear from you… Although I’m reading rather late.
I was crying reading your post because I’ve been away from my own blog too…for so long. I’ve been posting a couple of posts a month (sometimes zero) but I knew my heart wasn’t there. I knew I wasn’t speaking in my ‘full voice’. Late last year, so many things have hurt me and I felt like retreating. I knew if I would to write, my feelings would be raw and I was so afraid to let people know that I was that broken and hurting. I slowly turned away from my blog and didn’t realize I was also shutting the door of my heart and keeping all the pain, pretending I was alright.
I’m gonna pray for you constantly, my dear sister! And thank you for sharing this bravely. God spoke to my heart today through you. Praying for your healing and for you to feel better soon! Much love, Cathy
Cathy, I just resurfaced for a bit right now… with my (in)courage post .. and just want to say… sweet friend, thank you for sharing where you’re at. It is SO hard to write raw. It’s not intuitive and especially for all the things that have hurt us, it’s the natural pull to retreat. Thank you for being here with me in this leg of the journey. As I dare … and try to speak in my full voice. I will pray for you too, friend. We’re on this same journey. 😉
Thank you so very much. I finally feel like someone understands.
Wow, when I clicked on the Crosswalk link to read your post, I never imagined that I would relate to it like I have. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since my high school years. It got so bad in college that I had to take a year off. Three years later, I felt God was healing me and this year has been my best year yet. I used to write to think things out, process, share…and I feel like I have also been “in hiding.” Even though I have been doing so great, I am going through some major life changes right now and just yesterday I had a panic attack.
I enjoy writing, and I feel that I can pursue it as a career but I have no idea where to start…I think the fear of the unknown and of rejection is holding me back!
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story, it really touched my heart, and I pray that the Lord will heal you completely.
Hi Katherine, start writing again. It’s never too late, because life can always be new. In eternity’s time, there is no yesterday, today or tomorrow. There is only the here and now with Jesus. Thank you for writing and sharing right here. Right now.
[…] birthday, I’m especially thankful for you. It’s with you, I took my first steps broken, writing afraid, through this journey of healing. It’s with you, I’m learning to walk […]
Hi Faith,
my mom has been following you and just read your recent post. You described exactly everything that has been happening to me over the last two years. I am almost too afraid to admit it could be PTSD, but if I ignore that it may be then it would just continue. Where do I go from here? I do not have the resources to see your therapist but I do recently have a great Pastor in Alaska that has taken me under his care, so may start there. I will let him know about this. Thank you for stepping out . Lisa Cocchi
Wow! God is amazing. He has allowed you to put into words the inside suffering of so many. PTSD from complex childhood trauma is often more frequent that of war veterans, yet children seldom get a voice. Thank you for your voice. Praise God!
Thank you for sharing your partial journey. Our daughter when she was 12 years old experienced this from what her birth mother did to her! She Ran into the system and we could not help her, nor did she want us our our help. We had gone though our own pain as a couple. I tyhought I waw down the path! We finally meet, and can be healed by our Abba!
My husband read this journey of yours and understands my panic attacks better and my anxiety, our daughter and even the man of God he is. Thank youm you have two readers now Bonnie because you used your full voice! Thanks again honey!
[…] blog link up — what I call Faith Jams – before my writing voice was stolen from me by post-traumatic stress. We’ve walked beside each other, you and I, for two years, one writing prompt at a time. […]
I am a new reader in the past week, and I clicked on this after reading other comments in the hope for a weary traveler post. I am sorry. I wish I could hug you, and my prayers will have to enfold you instead.
Oh Father, we are grateful that You know, You care, and You understand. Thank you for continuing the healing process even though it takes this painful, scary path. Wrap this precious soul in Your presence, peace, comfort, courage, love, and grace. Heal her as she writes with such transparency, and use her broken words to bring healing and hope to others as You already are. Flood her life with encouragers and helpers. Give her the rest You promise when we rely upon You. In the name of Your Son, Jesus, who was broken and healed on our behalf, Amen.
Deb Weaver
thewordweaver.com
[…] to my first book, married blissfully happy, with two gorgeous kids — and it’s now God decides to spring post-traumatic stress PTS on […]
[…] first person I saw after experiencing my first panic attack was my medical doctor. He wasn’t concerned at […]
[…] all, helping someone recover from post-traumatic stress can be… […]
[…] I wrote this two years ago, when I was battling to complete my book proposal — that eventually got contracted to be published. Little did I know, while writing the manuscript, I’d be hijacked into this season of healing with post-traumatic stress. […]
Bonnie,
Everything you’ve written about yourself…being strong, surviving, taking on new challenges, loving people; it all describes me, until PTSD interrupted my life a year ago.
I too, began retreating into a world of “quiet”. I found myself anything, but strong. I stopped having conversations with people who are very important to me. I found myself having panic attacks over anything that remotely hinted of responsibility.
Many days are filled with anger, pain, and a feeling of hopelessness. Too often I find myself acting like the whiners I so dislike. I can’t find the woman I was, and I certainly don’t understand the one who occupies my days now.
I too, have sought the help of a counselor who tells me the same thing Dr. P tells you, “It’s your time to heal. All these jumbled up feelings are ‘good’.” As you know, it feels anything but good.
However, I was blown away, when I came upon your writings through Crosswalk.com. I went there with the purpose of looking up the story of Jacob, when I saw the link for “in-courage”.
I have been in the “frozen” stage for the last year. Somehow, I must find the courage to take even the tiniest step forward. Perhaps sharing with you and others is that step.
Thank you for the courage to share & in doing so, offering encouragement to many of us who are on the same journey.
Wow! I cried as I read your story and I am so thankful that you wrote it even though you were afraid and wondering if you could do it. You are inspiring and I want you to know that you are touching so many lives. You have touched mine and I pray the Lord’s blessing upon you and your writing!
I came across this post through another post you wrote, “Living In the Moment When You Only Have the Here and Now.” That post was forwarded to me by a friend. The timing of my reading these two posts is not a coincidence. It is definitely God showing me that I am not alone. Five weeks ago I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. Seven years ago I started counseling for my childhood abuse issues. Five years ago I co-founded a ministry to women with trauma. 5 months ago I began writing a book on healing from my childhood abuse. After reading your posts, I’m understanding more of why this latest episode happened. I never though my writing might trigger the trauma. I also believe it was triggered because of learning of a second victim of the same person who was my perpetrator 7 months ago.
It has been very difficult recovering from this second episode of depression and anxiety (my first one was 6 years ago). I can’t tell you how inspired I am by your writing. Thank you so much for your courage and bravery to write with such vulnerability and honesty. I pray you are healing well and I look forward to reading more!
[…] was someone who was walking through post-traumatic stress. But, what kind of life could I live now, while I’m in […]
[…] my thoughts turned heavy with the struggles of failing to write against the tide of post-traumatic anxiety and stress, I felt so utterly helpless against this season of healing in my […]
oh my, how you have touched my heart, and helped to shed some light on how my own daughter struggles, and i dont often understand, this was like reading her own story…thank you for giving me hope for her and for peace
Wow. I’m amazed to find your blog. My name is also Bonnie. And I have C-PTSD, also from childhood trauma. It’s been two crazy years since this started for me and its a tough deal. Your words resound loudly in my heart.
[…] And as you can tell from my writing these few months, it’s made me incredible heart broken to relive it in the tehnicolor of heightened sensory that comes with a body and nervous system amplified by post-traumatic stress. […]
Bonnie
Your faith and words comfort my heart beyond measure. I am so grateful to have found you. Praise God!
[…] fact, some of the problems I’ve asked God to solve haven’t gotten better. But, I have learned one thing through my time in this […]
If you don’t mind me asking, what type of trauma was it. I’m in my early 20’s suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I take medication but I have no history of trauma. My psychologist doesn’t even know what’s wrong.
[…] you’ve ever experienced anxiety — the kind that wraps around your heart with the cloak of stress — you’d […]
Oh Bonnie, this is exactly where I am in my life. I’m 25 and was diagnosed with everything from leukemia to lupus before finally and accurately, liver disease at age 5. My transplant nearly 3 years ago resurfaced all of the memories. I was strong- I had it all together – I was THAT girl, you know? But I started questioning and worrying and trying to get past all of the issues from my past that no one had ever dealt with or talked about.
I am right here on your journey with you and pray that God will move you right on through this valley. He is at work in our lives in ways we may not even know about at the time. Keep fighting, sweet friend.
[…] the community at the time (still am really) and didn’t know anyone yet. I was drowning in the deepest part of post traumatic stress last year, when I would hardly venture out of my house, must less socially engage. I didn’t want any […]
[…] the community at the time (still am really) and didn’t know anyone yet. I was drowning in the deepest part of post traumatic stress last year, when I would hardly venture out of my house, must less socially engage. I didn’t want any […]
It looks like this post was written nearly a year ago, but I just discovered you through your post on {in}courage today. I officially love you. I really do. In the way that my heart gets your heart. My struggle intersects with yours. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts that show up in my in box.
You are a treasure.
Welcome back Bonnie! As I read your testimony it struck a very deep cord in my heart. God reminded me once again where He has brought me from. I too suffer with PTS. There were signs of it which I tried to ignore for years but took a total grip on me becoming worse and worse as the years went on. It was so debilitating. But what I did recognize was that God is FOR ME and not against me. He loves us with an undying love. He desires for us to be whole and healed. The very thing that I tried to avoid for years was the very thing that God used to bring His restoration and healing into my life. The very thing that held me in bondage and the prison of my mind. He wanted me to face the GIANT and showed me in a very real tangible way that He had never left me nor forsaken me and loves me with an everlasting love. He was right there with me while it was all happening. He wanted to turn something which was meant for evil into something good. For whom the Son sets free is free indeed. If God is for us who can be against us. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me the strength. He says we overcome by the word of our testimony. I pray many will be set free by hearing your testimony. I pray His continued hand of healing upon your life. I pray He will continue to strengthen you and uphold you. I pray He will anoint you and the Holy Spirit will inspire you to write from the very heart of our Heavenly Father. God bless you
I also know my calling is to write, but like you I am afraid to start a blog to start typing. I believe early on in life about 18 or so someone had mentioned that I should write that I very good with how I express myself on paper, from that point I took that bit of confidence but also kept in under lock and key. Post traumatic stress I guess now after reading your blog today has always been something I had because of a rape that happened many decades ago, anxiety is something I live with daily but I take meds for that. I think for me reading your blog has maybe opened up a possible window that might allow me to be free and fly from the nest once and for all. How would I start a blog, how do you start, where do come up with ideas?
Thank you
I am deeply grateful to have found this post. Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal journey and I pray that the healing has become less painful. Our Father has amazing ways of ensuring that His children hear Him; using one person’s pain to comfort and embrace those who would otherwise feel so alone. Until recently I have felt very alone.
This past fall, what had been a typical pattern of Seasonal Depression (from Oct – Mar), became an unrelenting struggle to stay reasonably sane . My job became so stressful that I started having anxiety attacks before going to work. I have been on sick leave since April 8 and am preparing to return to work. My current season of trials are not over and returning to work means facing ALL of the fallout, fear, hurt, and pain that lingers in my heart and the environment I work in.
I am afraid; but know that Abba-Father is always with me. Though I hate to think that any one else has or is going through this horrible process of ripping open and cleansing old wounds, I am grateful to have found you as you found your voice and the meaning of your suffering. Because of your obedience to the Holy Spirit, I have been blessed. Thank you sister.
My heart has been laid wide open today a I shared with a friend what the writing is doing for my soul. My own trauma has bound me for so long, that it’s hard to believe I have a living breathing face to face friend that wants to understand the road I’ve traveled and is celebrating with me as I move beyond the pain.
God is also healing me through my writing and he’s been preparing me for the days where the hurt grabs at my throat. Thank you for writing your way to healing, thank you for sharing your story!
I’m so grateful I came across this! This post is so close to my current experience, that I showed it to my counselor. Thank you for your transparency. I don’t feel so alone now (or odd…or crazy). <3
[…] it’s not worth it. All this panic-riddled anxiety. I was going to shut down the blog. And walk away from it […]
[…] I couldn’t even write one chapter in the past […]
[…] But, because of panic attacks. […]
I wept while reading your words, raw as they were, they reached into my hurting places to minister healing and bring direction. I’m in a similar place with a different story. I’ve been afraid to sketch or draw or decorate my home or do anything creative until it can be done perfectly, in order, planned out…. like everything else in my life. Looks like it’s time to change that and be free. My sketch book is in front of me and I will grab the nearest pen or pencil and touch the paper freely – maybe even scribble or something. Thank you so much.
[…] friend doesn’t know I’ve been on an anxiety-ridden journey to uncover the shadow artist in me. I’m suspicious now there is one in […]
Dear Bonnie,
This is my story too, and this comment is this first thing i have written in almost three years. Hoping that I too will be able to find healing…
grace to you,
I see this is a year old. I was reading a blog of yours on Crosswalk about school clothes and was too curious about the PTSD and the link. I am glad you wrote about it and followed the spirits leading. I have had a hard year dealing with my son and can relate to the fear. I finally made an appointment with a counselor for me. It is a big step facing fears. Thank you for the encouragement.
[…] I’m going through.” I take a deep breath. And I let it out into the open. ”I’m writing about anxiety. Childhood trauma. About making choices. To feed your soul and care for yourself. I’m […]
[…] you for choosing to be friend, when I did not even know how this journey would undo and remake […]
[…] becoming debilitated with panic attacks, insomnia and anxiety this past year and a half, the number of people I’ve been able to feel safe with has been […]
[…] Instead, the act of writing plummeted me down a rabbit hole, free falling through a disorienting chasm of uncontrollable anxiety and painful memories. […]
[…] old wounds and old memories that have never given me any problems suddenly ignited into real anxieties and current day fears. It seems so wasteful. All this time spent going through trauma I had long left behind me. Why […]
[…] Jesus knew I was going to experience my first panic attack. […]
Thank you for writing this! I am experiencing this myself right now! What a blessing this has been to me today!
[…] tell her that’s exactly how my panic attacks left me. Numb. I tell her that is how I feel overwhelmed by […]
[…] I settled into my life as a stay-at-home mom — my writing — became the very thing that launched me into debilitating anxiety I had never experienced before in my […]
[…] Thursday blog link up — what I call Faith Jams – before my writing became captive in post-traumatic stress. We’ve walked beside each other, you and I, for two three years, one writing prompt at a […]
[…] But, it’s what I see looking into my trembling hand — as I turn a new chapter along my journey, recovering from post-traumatic stress. […]
I bookmarked your blog about a year ago…I don’t remember how I found you but I loved what I read that day. I was sad when I realized that you were no longer writing on the blog…I thought that you had abandoned it. I kept the bookmark but stopped checking it.
Today I looked at it for the first time in months. I know why I kept the bookmark and I know why today is the day that I checked it. My word for 2014 is BRAVE. I’m struggling with pushing myself outside of my self-induced limits and I have been searching the past week for examples of bravery that I can cling to.
You, sweet daughter of God, are BRAVE! Thank you for being a strong example for me as I embrace this word, and it’s promise, in 2014.
Hugs from a new subscriber. 🙂
YOU HAVE DESCRIBED WHAT I HAVE SUFFERED SINCE 1975.PEOPLE TELL ME I AM STRONG AND I SUPPOSE I AM BUT I HAVE SUFFERED MOST OF MY LIFE AT TIMES IN A BALL COWERING IN A CORNER WHILE ONE OF MY CHILDREN BRINGS ME A COOL CLOTH AND A GLASS OF MILK.I TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.I AM SURE THIS WILL BE WITH ME ALL OF MY DAYS .GOD BLESS YOU. JANIE
I loved what you wrote. I am in the same place and have been for a while. It”s crazy when your fear come in you and you don”t know where it”s coming from. I want to start journaling again and getting healing but I am scred because last time i was in the midle of healing i was really low and felt so sad. i don”t know if I should have been on depression meds or what. but i haven”t been happy, really truthful happy in a long time. i”m so tired of acting like i”m ok because i”m a chrisian and i have to be a good role model for others. i liked what you said about God loving our ounded selves becasue i”ve alwaqys thought this part of me was the bad part that God was not happy with. Well i hope i will write more. Hopefully i will not get sidetracked and stop writing. Can you pray for me that i will continue on my healing journey. thanks love, kelly Also thank you for your honesty i”m so sick of myself and others going around like there so blessed and happy all the time. it”s such lies i feel. deep down we all are hurting in some way
Don’t be afraid. You’re not alone. Do you have a blog? You can journal together on Thursday in a safe, encouraging community. That’s how I’ve found healing, writing together here. It’s called the Faith Jam: https://www.thebonniegray.com/join-faith-barista-jam-thursdays/ — if you don’t have a blog, but want to start one, sign up for this. I’m hoping to put a little encouragement together for our community for those wanting to start a blog. http://eepurl.com/GRGkb
[…] small. When where I chose to go, who I chose to see were wrestled over until they spiraled into anxiety storms of self-doubt and fear. There were times I could even hardly step out of my house, touch the keyboard or even put words […]
[…] want you to know that every time I’ve written here since I experienced panic attacks, I have been hit with a wall of blank whenever my fingers touch the […]
[…] mostly Bonnie remained silent. When Bonnie did begin writing again, she shared a deeply personal journey, the reason she had been […]
Love your posts. You are so inspiring to me. Thank you for giving me (and numerous others) hope.
Hi April, thanks for taking the time to slip me a note. 🙂 it’s nice to be kindreds… welcome and make yourself at home. you’re among friends.
I am a child of God who was abused long ago in my childhood by my mother and father. Writing this is a very difficult thing to do, but I must in order to be free and help the most people possible in the process.
I have recently began to experience panic/ anxiety attacks of a severe nature. They got worse as my father began to fail in health and died October 13 of last year. My blood pressure went high for the first time in my life. I began to exercise by hiking and swimming. I love both activities. Especially hiking, as it speaks to my soul. Gods presence is so strong and real there. I connect with God there. My blood pressure is now normal and even though I’m still experiencing panic and anxiety at times I am becoming free because of it.
Your words about becoming free through adversity and anxiety helped me a great deal because I now understand why more fully. I just knew to keep going when the panic would hit me during a hike, I the car or any where. Don’t run. Stop and face it head on. Every time you face it you become a little bit more free. Every time you obey God you get a little stronger. It takes grace to get free. God never wastes anything.
There is more to my story but it’s far to long to share it here. Just know that your post inspired me to writ thinks by the Holy Spirits prompting. Thank you!
how powerfully God is speaking to you, right where you are. keep writing, Robin & write more! writing freed my heart to feel and face all God wanted me to stop running away from — and I’ve found beauty and joy and peace in a deeper, real way that is sorrowful, but also true. I hope you have a chance to journey with me through the pages of my book “Finding Spiritual Whitespace” – it’s a memoir-driven rendering of what God showed me about rest through the anxiety.
Hi Faith Barista,
Thank you for writing these words. I am on a “Jesus and PTSD” google search and this is the first blog I have stumbled on that is really resonating with where I am today. I want to quit. I don’t want to push on in this hard journey of feelings and emotions and hurts. I am totally choked up, going on days now. I don’t know what it is that I am supposed to do other than try to get better. i see a great counselor, too, who is trying his best to help me. And he is. But some days, most days, it just isn’t even enough. I leave feeling ok, but then overwhelming emotions consume me. You have hit the nail on the head in a few areas. Thanks for pointing out similarities I share with you in regards to family of origin, the feeling of “love” being so hard and challenging, wanting to push away from everyone, not wanting to write or be in community with those you KNOW you need to be in community with. I am going to email my girlfriends right now and let them know that I need them, to pray for me especially. Thank you for writing! Angie
Hi Angie! I’m so glad you were able to find me through your Google search! 🙂 The post you read was written two years ago & I just released a book this summer that is a memoir-driven account of what happened after I wrote this post that you read. I share the journey God led me through since that first panic attack. I hope you will read it because I think it will really encourage you since this is a journey God is leading you through to. The book is called “Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest” and it’s about my journey through panic attacks, anxiety and insomnia. You can find it on Amazon. 🙂 Looking forward to meeting with you between the pages.. and welcome to Faith Barista!:)
Hi Bonnie,
I found one of your articles in Crosswalk and you mentioned panic attacks. So I followed the link. Because I have been suffering panic attacks. My mother and father have forsaken me, they chose to side with the man that abused of me because he was my husband. Thankfully God put the right people around me and helped me get out of that place, and then my husband filed for divorce (he’s a non-believer). I am currently waiting for the divorce to be finalized and I have my immigration status pending (in the UK), which makes me nervous, but I know God has taken me through it all, from becoming homeless and penniless the day I left the house after I had to report my husband to the police. God has placed me somewhere safe and quiet, yet I feel Him a little away. I do not like suffering panic attacks, though I am told they’re normal considering what I went through. It was really good to read this particular post.
Reading about showing your broken self and about being open about what is happening with you, and how God wants to hear your full voice, not only the good happy one, but that He loves me even when I am so broken and suffering, that is healing and helpful. Sadly, I have access to counselling but it is another city and I do not see how I can have access to it, I do need God to work His ways through it all, and I am quite confused as to what He wants me to do. I feel so confused and lost. I want to follow His steps, but I know I need to heal.
Thanks for writing this, now I’ll be going all around your blog to see what other gems I can read through.
Thank you.
Hi Bonnie,
This is my first visit. I just read your May, 2012 post. I think God must have caused me to find you thru divine intervention. Your story is what I needed to see as mine is quite similar. Thank you for being an inspiration & encouragement. I’m looking forward to hearing more. God bless you.
Hi Donna, I’m so glad the blogosphere had us find each other. we’re fellow kindreds. welcome. God bless you. let your story shine… all of it. it’s YOU. 😉
Bonnie,
God Bless You sweet sister in Christ. My Daughter-in Love also has PTSD from family abuse. She is an incredible writer and though strong is still trapped by her past. Melissa is the type of woman who could like you accomplish anything she puts her mind to if she could get free. You are in my prayers; please continue to help me to understand how I can help her. Our relationship at present is strained and it is hard because I love her with all my heart. You are a precious gift from God Bonnie.
In His love,
Rosemary
I hope that your sweet daughter in a law has a chance to read my book. And it can encourage her to take the journey to be the beloved and investigate her story. I found a PTSD therapist who used EMDR as the therapy and it healed my heart and allowed all the experiences and healing I shared in my book – it’s a beautiful, beautiful journey! Give her space – she is hurt from her past experiences and although it feels personal, it isn’t. I know you are very concerned because you care about her and your son, but it’s really hard to connect with a “maternal” figure, if she’s experienced hurt from her mother (like I did). Pray that God will lead other kindreds to come alongside her. What helped me is when people gave me space, to be free of needing to please. And also to have conflict free space, where I didn’t feel pressured with expectations. Support her on her choices and also validate her feelings and acceptance for what she is experiencing or struggling with. She needs to feel safe to go through this journey. I can imagine it must be a hard time for your heart. It’s important you nourish our own soul during this journey, as you wait and support with compassion and patience, so you can get filled apart from what’s happening in the relationship. thank yo ufor being vulnerable to share here.