“Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” ~ Karle Wilson Baker
Trying to figure out what’s happening now, because of what’s happened back then.
It’s confusing — picking up pieces of memories I’ve already put a full stop to. I had wrapped them up with Bible verses and sealed them with a heart to forgive and move on. They sat neat and tidied with bows.
Or so I thought.
Because here I am — even having written to you a couple weeks ago — I want you to know.
I still have a lump in my throat. It hasn’t gone away.
You’d think that things would get easier having written.
You’d think that words would then flow, like a dam that has been breached with the sledge hammer of truth.
But, that isn’t what happened.
Sometimes, we think that once we surrender to faith, peace would wash over us and the battle would be over.
Somehow, we think that peace is like a flood, that wipes away all that once was devastation. We imagine a new land resurfacing — where the past disappears and we no longer have to contend with what we’ve lost.
We figure once we decide to face what’s most difficult, we would be filled with God’s power — the kind that enables us to erase the pain.
But, God’s power in my life today isn’t like the flood that brought Noah to a new world, pristine and void of everything past.
God’s power in my life today is very different than I’ve ever seen it.
His power isn’t changing the landscape of problems I’m having to confront.
His power isn’t lifting me out of the sadness or the sorrow.
His power is something so deep and new, it’s feels completely foreign.
HIs power is His whisper within me.
He’s tenderly calling me to stay long enough here, so I can face fully —
the wounds He allowed me to sustain,
who I’ve been,
who I’ve become,
and who I am today.
His power is His gaze into moments I want Him to look away.
When I dare to look into His eyes, as I’m swept over by confusion, I see —
He is stabbed heartsick, torn apart.
His power is His knowing. My pain.
Don’t run away, Bonnie.
Let me love you.
The crick in my neck pulls me tight when I jolt awake in the morning. My shoulders and back once strong from swinging my cherry-faced toddler CJ and racing across the grass with TJ now twist in tension and pain. My body just four months ago roamed free and happy, hiking quiet spring mornings and crispy fall air.
Now, it betrays me. Taut. Unresolved.
But, could the opposite be true?
One of the few confidantes who has helped me walk this path of healing — Carol from Montana — encourages me to ask questions. “What is your body trying to say to you? See it as a gift. Ask God: what does this mean?”
I open my eyes each day with hope. Is this the day my body will no longer deny me rest?
My pounding heart, loud in my chest, answers. No, Bonnie. It’s not time yet.
My journey to discovering the truth about the wounds I’ve carried — and what I believe about them — is not over. All this exploring seems endless, so unproductive. Can’t we just process this stuff with steps 1, 2, 3 — and just be done already? I am an engineer by training. Every problem has a solution. If only I could find the bug in the software and apply the fix. A patch.
No, I cannot circumvent this part of my journey. The truth finding isn’t going to be a workbook I plow through. This journey is ripping out all the old courage I once drew from to build this life.
I wish I could go back to the way I once was —
In need of nothing.
Content with the way things were.
Living without the inconvenience of grief and healing.
Now I Know
Every night, I crawl into the safety of my covers to brave the dark again. With a sliver of courage folded between my praying hands, I surrender whispers to Jesus — I will trust you.
I think that’s what Jesus wants. Maybe the white flag will end all this.
The lump in my throat pushes up harder. It won’t allow me to be so strong.
And a cry begins to gather, the way a wave grows from a gentle crawl miles out — into a foaming crest that crashes onto the shore — sprawling wet across the sand.
I fight to push it down. But, it’s no good.
It’s too much. My eyes squeeze and my lips tremble.
I don’t want this anymore. I begin to cry. And I can’t stop the tears anymore.
Please… I don’t understand why it has to be this way.
I tell you, before all this happened, I believed I was courageous. I never knew fear. It never touched me.
But, now I know I am not so courageous. I don’t want the cup that Jesus took.
Loss. Weakness. Brokenness.
No. Not this. Please. I want to give my after-testimony.
There’s already been enough locusts who have eaten the years away. Too many years.
I want to live the after-years. After the pain. After the ugly words. After the messy.
Be strong and courageous, Bonnie.
I will not leave you or forsake you.
I want your now-years.
I want you. Now.
Fully facing –what no one else could see —
all that you’ve carried,
all your doubts about yourself,
all you’ve never dared to lose,
and all you’ve never wanted to desire.
Because you’ve had to be strong.
Because you’ve always lived invisible.
Because you’ve never allowed yourself to admit…
You have been wounded.
Why am I writing all this — here to you today?
It’s the blog’s 3rd anniversary.
As I thought and thought — what could I say to commemorate this faith community God’s brought into my life — I struggled.
Aren’t anniversaries a time for balloons, parties and colorful streamers? Yes, we’ve shared plenty of those together throughout the years, haven’t we.
But, this year, FaithBarista’s anniversary is extraordinarily special.
My blog birthday wish is for courage. New courage. Fresh courage.
My prayer for this place of faith we’ve built together is this: courage to live out our Now-Stories.
Courage to walk through them.
Courage now to tell them.
Maybe you’ve reached a place in your life where you’re like me — sensing a growing desire for now courage.
Courage to see things as they really are.
Courage to stay in a place of confusion for a season — in order to receive comfort in ways we’ve never allowed ourselves to pursue.
Courage to break your silence — by reaching out to others, to say —
“This is me now. This was me then.
I’m not sure where God is leading me next.
But God is calling me to be faithful to my now-story.”
I’m trusting God will not leave us orphaned.
Jesus will stun us with compassion that He’s waited a lifetime to pour over us. It’s the kind we’ve never believed was possible for us to taste.
His voice will come to us, in those intimate moments we are most barren and willingly unmade.
His touch will steady us, a cool hand on the heat of our backs as we double down in prayer.
His friendship will meet us, in the eyes of friends — new and old — as we risk what we fear, to confide and reach out to ask for help. So we don’t have to be alone any longer.
There will be people who misunderstand and even judge us. They don’t understand pain. They are afraid weakness will drive God away.
But, there are others who know differently. They will take us in and love us. Because they have met Jesus in the place of pain. They know that frailty will only unleash God’s ferocious love for us.
You and I.
Let’s help each other live Now-Stories.
“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” Deut. 31:6
Are you sensing a growing desire for courage?
How is Jesus calling you to enter deeper into your Now-Story with Him?
I love the aroma of your thoughts here. Pull up a chair.
Click to share a comment. You make this place real.
And psst… it’s a special day today. Read further below. It’s Faith Barista’s 3rd blog anniversary. And I have a special giveaway lined up. Just for you.
To celebrate Faith Barista’s 3rd Blog Anniversary, join me next Thursday 8/16/12 for a Faith Jam.
A Faith Jam is community blogging here at Faith Barista. I’ve always said it throughout the years: writing with you gives me courage. Hearing your stories give me courage.
HTML Code For the Faith Jam Faith Fresh Badge
Here’s how it works:
1. I serve up a topic of faith to explore: a writing prompt.
2. Write your post and publish it next Thursday 8/16/12. You can also comment directly if you don’t have a blog.
3. Please place the Faith Jam Badge in your post so we can find each other. Grab the HTML code above.
4. Share your post by linking up on Thursday.
5. Visit at least one friend in the jam (read the post before yours & comment). We blog together to encourage each other.
Next Thursday’s 8/16/12 Writing Prompt:
“What I I Know Now”
Write a letter to yourself at an earlier time in your life. Share what you know now about the faith journey with your younger self. Your younger self can be any age you feel prompted to address. e.g. “Dear Jane, ….”.
Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real.
Like a jam session in jazz, it’s all improv. So, don’t sweat dotting the i’s and crossing t’s. The only requirement? Keep it real.
** GIVEAWAY ** God’s Plans For You | Jeanne Winter’s Gallery Art Print
To celebrate Faith Barista’s blog anniversary, I’ve lined up some meaningful giveaways this month to usher in a new year of encouragement for our faith journey.
First giveaway gift is inspired by Jeremiah 29:11.
Next week, I’ll be giving away Jeanne Winter’s Gallery Art Print “God’s Plans For You” to ONE RANDOMLY SELECTED WINNER. Just submit a post/comment in the Faith Jam next week to enter.
Special thanks goes to > DaySpring who is sponsoring Faith Barista’s blog anniversary giveaway!
Photo credit: drelovespandas via Photobucket.com
Oh friend, I think about the importance of the grieving process. Every step. How if one step is missed, His grace always leads us back around to it…eventually…sometimes years later. Because, I think the “grieving process” is really His design for us to reconcile the story He allows in our lives. For us to accept His will, even when it’s ugly. To accept what He allows, even when it’s hard. To trust, through our acceptance, that All. Is. For. Purpose.
Going through the muck is worship. It’s that willingness to trudge through where our heart aches (not find an alternate route). And our reticence to do so is our body fighting it and it’s stress on our spirit, body and soul. We weren’t created to fight trust.
Living our authentic selves is worship at it’s finest, I think. The raw parts of ourselves that we fight to even admit to ourselves, it’s there where authenticity blossoms—where we can choose to accept the story of who we are through the story of our lives.
Gratitude comes when we begin to see that we can trust Him. Even in those dark times. That grace was there. And grace is there. And there is beauty becoming evident across that dark canvas.
Peace does come like the flood, I think. Slow and steady. It didn’t just rain at once and suddenly the earth was flooded. It was 40 arduous days of discomfort. And the days weren’t what ours are now. Noah wasn’t staying connected with the world and being “productive” on his iPhone while cooped up in that ark. He was still and waited…for a long time. The same will be of your journey, Bonnie. And He’s the same God today as He was then. Trust-worthy for every bit of your heart.
Praying you long, steady peace that comes with trust and that births gratitude for it all.
(I wish I could sit with you for a long while…chat as we hike together. And someday maybe we will. I believe God connected us for purpose and I look forward to seeing more of His story for us.)
Rich blessings and much love,
Finding courage and peace through Him whom I trust for His plans is bigger than mine, and His thoughts ar enot my thoughts.
Happy 3rd Blog Anniversary, Bonnie… praying that you find the peace and courage that you need – now. All good things!
I am traveling to Uganda next month to set up a sponsorship program for a small, rag-tag band of 43 orphans. This is a dream assignment for me. The “yes” from God on a long ago promise He tucked into my heart.
So I wonder why it is calling for so much courage on my part to take this opportunity and run with it. Roll in it with delight and satisfaction.
So much of my story is tangled up in this two week stay in Uganda. And your honest thoughts in this last post remind me how much of my life has refused to follow a script. God always takes me where I least expected to end up. And how I get there is never ordinary…..or easy…..
Going to Uganda means stepping waist deep into past regrets, bitter tears, my own little-girl, fist clenched accusations against God and letting His promise wash over an undeserving me.
This will take courage.
Thanks, Bonnie. Love you….
Wow, Julie! Courage — way to go! Will be praying for you.
Yes! Super-courage! “Fear not, for I am with you; be not afraid, I am your God. I will strengthen you and guide you, I will uphold you with my right hand of righteousness.” (Is. 41:10)
Bless you, Tara….for that life preserver of a verse! This one is going into my journal….
And thank you, Bonnie, for praying!
Oh Bonnie….I’ve worn these shoes…walked more than a few miles in them.
When a traumatic experience brought up all the past, AND THEN SOME (new stuff), I headed back into counseling, trying to make sense of it all. I had a lot of forgotten stuff looming around in my brain matter, hiding out to protect my every day life. What I saw at the end of it all (an end, not because I was ready to end counseling, but because of a physical move – God’s grace – it literally removed me from a situation of long standing abuse and manipulation) was how God had protected me, my children, preserved my marriage, and gave me a voice.
In the 2 1/2 years I’ve lived “away”, God’s prompted me, reminded me, encouraged me to stand up. I don’t have to be the secret keeper any more. I don’t want to be. I don’t need to be. I want to be an advocate of truth. I AM an advocate of truth!!
Since that time, my parent and MIL have barely spoken to me…that’s the reality I must live with. Forgiveness has been extended on my part, but denial runs deep. Other family members think I’m crazy to allow something that happened so long ago affect my today. They forget that an abuser doesn’t think how the future relationship will be, it’s a sinful, selfish act, and when I stood up to say NO MORE, they lost their power to control me, and the lifetime of lies they had built around me.
Now we are preparing for a move back into that area. I’ve prayed for reconciliation, knowing that my abuser is in failing health and aging. I’ve prayed for God to bring others into his life, that He might know the peace that passes understanding. I’ve heard that he’s going to church, but I don’t know if it’s the truth. God knows, and that’s ok with me. I trust God.
I’m grateful that my call to being truthful allowed other family members to let go of their secrets too. Others abused by the same man…long ago actions that kept manipulating their lives….and still others are still wrestling with the truth of it all. I am not one to be bringing it up all the time, I don’t have to, but the fact that it’s no longer a secret gives me courage to “guard my heart…for it determines the path that my life will take.”
I pray for you, dear friend, that you can get to that place of freedom from the past. It’s still there, a viable part of our HIStory. The part where He shows grace and mercy and changes us by making beautiful things out of our dust…
love you, and many prayers…
Marina, your words touched me. Friends and family can never fully understand how deeply childhood abuse affects the very core of your being. It makes people uncomfortable so they want you to just get over it. And they don’t want to feel they must pick sides, even though you are not asking them to.
marina, thank you for your words. I am praying to get there as well.
Marina, thank you for sharing here — see how it’s touched faith friends — right where you’re at. Such courage!
You know, my pastor has said that many people desire a miracle (which is instant) when what God wants to do is a healing (which is a process). Healing takes courage and faith to endure. Thank you for being willing to share your journey with us, my friend. You are a blessing.
Uh-huh…The miracle is in the getting up and walking through. 🙂
God’s miracle of healing is experienced by His people in different ways. As for me, it took years of crying, prayer, and therapy. Most important, I needed to be heard and believed before I could begin to work it through. Then one day in therapy, out of the blue and in the span of a millisecond, I suddenly knew I was healed. The door to my prison was flung open. I was free and I knew it. There had been nothing special about that day or hour; it was just God’s timing. But here’s the catch: I still had to learn to walk by faith in this newness of life. God began to change me from the inside out, teaching me new habits of thinking, speaking, praying, and behaving. By faith, I stumbled and fumbled my way through the years that followed and now, twelve years later, I can see how far I’ve come and still have to go. By telling you this, I’m hoping to encourage you to both persevere and rest in God’s timing. He will heal you. May God bless you as you seek His face.
I was standing up cheering for your courage — now-courage. Thank you, Diane!
I’ve discovered that when I am most broken is when I’m closest to the Lord. I am so dependent on Him and not myself or others. I don’t have all the answers or the fixes for my situation or yours. But … He does.
Right now I am coming out of a long time of trial and upheaval. And what I can say for sure is that God is faithful. In looking back and reading my journals I am amazed at how He was with me and teaching me and comforting me through it all. He will be there for you too Bonnie. Open up your heart and allow Him to heal you. I will be praying for you and offering any encouragement I can.
And congratulations on your third year blogaversary! Is that a real word? I added it to Google dictionary. 🙂
Blessings and love,
LOL. You always make me laugh and my heart lift. Yep. You’ve been right there from the beginning! *squeal* God is good. You’re beautiful, Debbie!
Bonnie I see the NEW courage you are having. I see it in you and I am starting to see it in me. I have had friends this past six months tell me how courageous I am. I doubted them and argued with them sometimes. They said I was facing the pain and talking about it and dealing with it. THAT takes a new kind of courage instead of hiding. I am so grateful I am not the only one learning it. Know you are not alone dear friend and I am praying for you. I love you.
Katie… just hugs, hugs, hugs! 🙂 xo
Hugs, hugs, hugs back…….. I keep dreaming of a day when I will meet you and hug you in real life, or when we meet Jesus. Either way, I look forward to it.
It is scary to stay here. So very scary. I feel as though what I face, I have NO strength for. I know not to rely on my feelings, if I do, I will not make it. But it is hard to be strong when there is nothing there. When I feel battered.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Bonnie. And you are truly a blessing.
Keep reaching out and taking the next step out and forward. You know I’m right there with you. 🙂
I’m praying for you, Bonnie! I think we all are carrying around pain, in one way or another. Marina put it wonderfully and I totally can empathize with her because I’ve been there, too. I had a few abusers in my childhood..sick, sick, sick. I had to face that which I buried so deep when I was suddenly in contact with a family member, a nephew, who totally understood abuse because he had been abused horribly, too. The opportunity to confront those who abused me has not arisen. I expect to be met with indignation and denial. This whole thing is in God’s hands, really. I can look at my life through a veil of tears and I am thankful, so thankful I have Jesus. I’d be a real mess without Him.
So tender, Christine, thanks for stepping out and sharing your voice here. So many are here reading together… and it’s real. You’re real. God in you.
Sending lots of hugs your way, Bonnie. And asking Jesus to wrap you in His love.
thank you for sharing, Bonnie! Last November, I had a random flashback in the middle of the night of something from childhood that I had pushed out of my memory. I understand the sentiments expressed in your last few blog posts. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s true — we’re meeting Jesus in the place of pain, and our capacities to love will be enlarged. I’ve had to walk through many of the emotions that I see surface through your writing. (and I’m still walking!) I completely understand what you mean when you say His power is the small whisper inside. Before last November, if you would have told me that, I would have no way to grasp the concept. I not yet walked through my own pain and trauma. I have also learned the truth about asking what your body is telling you. I had chronic digestive issues for over a decade, and I’m just starting to see how it’s tied into my trauma of my childhood. Our bodies, spirits, and souls are all interconnected. God definitely uses our physical bodies to alert us when we close off our spirits or souls. I’m praying for you, Bonnie. Thank you for being brave and sharing. You have no idea how many you’re helping right now or how many will stop by and read this in the future. It’s so needed! It will be precious for you to look back on when the Lord has healed you fully. Love you <3
Caitlin — you have the gift of encouragement — do you know that? Yep, through and through. It’s your heart. Your story. Your life. Thank you. Such a gift. *you*
Happy 3rd Blog Anniversary Bonnie!!! “… frailty will only unleash God’s ferocious love for us,” SO TRUE. Here’s to the courage to live out our Now-stories, salute! 🙂
Bonnie, Two weeks ago, I read your “The Place of Empty” and today’s “Courage.” I had just taken a “Brave Step” like Holley suggested. And I found myself in “The Place of Empty.”
A few weeks after my husband passed away in April, I realized my “covering” was gone. God revealed a deep issue which had been hidden away in my life and which had never been dealt with. I had been pretty confident in our marriage and had become an expert at concealing the truth, even from myself.
Now, forced to deal with it, I sought out a Christian counselor. But I am going through all the same feelings, despair, and hope that you so ably wrote today.
I pray you will continue to write and bare the issues.
And, as a wise friend is saying to me, “Give yourself some grace.”
I just want you to know that your blog recently has been used GREATLY of God to give me the courage to share the vulnerable fears and realities of my walk with God in my own blog site and , wouldn’t you know it …those vulnerable, heart open wide, posts have been used of God probably way more than my “happy little ones” 🙂 I just want to thank you and share the post that God wanted me to share of my story of fear, etc. We walk together and trust God through our fear — it’s His best work, you know 🙂 Without knowing you personally, I already love you and feel deeply connected because of what we share and I understand — trust me — I understand! May this give you hope too …
Dear Mrs. Bonnie,
I pray for Gods strenght and courage for you, to go through this process of healing.
The Lord will surely bless you and He will keep you because you are His beloved child.
The Lord blessed and kept me well as His beloved child in difficult times when i was dealing with issues of my childhood because i grew up in stressfull situations in several homes as an orphan.
The Body of Christ is worldwide.
As you see, You have “fans” in the Neherlands too.
I am one of your fans in The Netherlands.
Glenda, The Netherlands
Happy blogiversary! Your continued courage–facing the fear– is inspiring, Bonnie. I have been entering my now-story over the past year and God has turned so much upside down in my world and directed me away from so much of my familiar. I’m facing demons, breaking chains, and learning a new way of living. I’m going to begin blogging about it at the end of the month. Looking forward to the Faith Jam! Blessings, Bonnie!
Yea! Faith Thursdays are BACK! :o) We missed you, Bonnie!
Bonnie ~ Such a great post! You are touching our hearts with God’s truth! I woke in the night, just fearful of many things in the unknown future. But I spent that time praying for many friends…you included, because I hadn’t seen any updates in a few days….So encouraging to hear that God continues to strengthen you, and through your words, so many others…..redeeming the worst of experiences as He brings the healing that only He can bring. Thanks for your continued honesty and vulnerability!
Many of my yesterdays were very difficult. Some of my todays are difficult too but knowing the Lord as my Savior makes a big difference. Knowing He will never leave me is wonderful. The fact that He is with me now helps me realize I can count it all joy, even though tears.
Growing up in an alcoholic home left its wounds in me. The journey to heal those wounds was a long one–a life time. But when I finally had to surrender to God because I could not be strong anymore is when I began to heal. The healing continues and the experience of complete and perfect love from God surrounds me all my days. I fully understand today that in my weakness I was made stronger and more compassionate. I learned a little more of love. As I learned of love, I left judgment behind. I left perfection behind. Now, I know we are all on a journey. Some of us are terribly wounded and tired. But…God’s perfect love surrounds us and fills us until we become light. Light for others in darkness and light in that our heaviness has dwindled. Thank you for sharing your heart. It blesses and heals even though it must be difficult for you.
Congratulations on your blogaversary, and thank you for sharing your struggles with your Now-Story. I am praying for you.
Below are four verses that I call “The Verses for the Middle of the Night,” that have helped me walk through some very dark times, and I pray that they may be an encouragement to you. God is with you as you walk through this time, and He will lead you through.
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
– Isaiah 41:10
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.”
– Isaiah 42:16
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”
– Isaiah 43:1-3
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on his God.
– Isaiah 50:10
In Him, Ann
Bonnie, I wrote you earlier. I am praying this Psalm today. Would you read it too, sweet girl. Near the end, it talks about our adversaries. Those are all the things that are wrong with us. We are praying for God to slay them. Quick fix? Probably not. Oh my God, we cry out to You!
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand —
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Once again, you usher us right into the Presence of God as you pour yourself out like a drink offering to Him, and to us. How strange it is to see the common thread among us so alive in you, the one that holds such shining clarity along with such diluted confusion at the same time. It feels like a tightrope where one false step will leave us falling to our end. But you show us that it’s not a tightrope, it’s the safest place to be. I’m with you, in that way that people can share the same knowledge without sharing the same story. Thank you for carrying us there…to his presence.
Thanks, Bonnie – it’s so good to get an update from you – and I am praying for you often! You are very courageous to write about the season you are in, while you are still processing and still in the midst of the healing that He is doing. It would be so easy to wait until everything is all finished and fixed. Thanks for your transparency, and for being so real. Am sure that you will be (and already are) a great source of encouragement to many as you share your journey.
And … happy 3 year anniversary!! We are so blessed by you, always.
Thank you Bonnie for writing words my heart couldn’t articulate.
[…] told him about the confusion I’ve been experiencing. I’ve been trying to reconcile the reality of the past with […]
This has been my prayer of late…”I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do”. Repeated over and over again. It seems to be the only prayer I have. I am in that same confusion. I was in a great place just a couple months back and then something came and knocked me off my pedestal. Because it was a pedestal. Somewhere I had placed myself because I had gotten through a really hard time of my life, a little scared and bruised, but what I considered stronger for it. Well, it took almost the same thing happening again to show me that I hadn’t really dealt with it. I had just tied it neatly up with the same ribbons and bows you talked about. I have always been a survivor and just used MY strength to overcome. I didn’t deal with the underlying root.
My body is reacting also to the confusion. I just left a massage therapist and yet my shoulders and neck still ache. I almost cry from the ache. What is my body trying to tell me??
I don’t want to be in this state of confusion, it leaves too many unanswered questions and unanswered tomorrows. But I will try and take to heart what you have written and use it as a place to the path of healing.
Blessings on you!
Late to the conversation…
As I read your post, it stirred memories of my own. While my experiences are trivial by comparison, the memory and the pain that comes with it is real enough. If you have the chance, visit my link below…I pray it offers some encouragement.
Thank you for your honesty and willingness to be used by God.