FAITH BARISTA'S BLOG ANNIVERSARY IS HERE !
** "God's Plans For You" GIVEAWAY **
To celebrate, I'm giving away Jeanne Winter's Gallery Art.
This inspiring art print comes from Jeremiah 29:11:
"I know the plans I have for you, Says the Lord."
Enter the Giveway At The End Of Today's Post !
nanu, nanu...
“You are not forgotten. Don’t run from your need. Feel your need and dare to follow your dreams.”
This is a school picture of me, taken in third grade. You see my Mork from Ork suspenders? I wore those rainbow straps, even when my pants pulled up too tight and those chicklet-sized suspender clips were just barely hanging on.
I loved watching Mork and Mindy. Nanu, nanu… And check out that neckline. I made sure my collar opened up wide, so that my mirrored Hello Kitty necklace dangled front and center. My hubby Eric cracks up everytime I show him this picture. But, it doesn’t surprise him. Yeah, I’m geeky.
I loved school even more than TV, so you can imagine — all my teachers loved me and always made me feel special. I was the chatterbox among my school friends, so I can’t say I was shy. I made good friends, played hot lava tag at recess and hold many wonderful, warm memories of elementary school life.
But, life back at home was a very different story. Third grade was very significant for me. Not only because the multiplication tables eluded me, while Pippy Longstocking won my heart. But, it was a year of enduring many dark struggles, as a single parent child, from a divorced family.
My letter today is to her — my younger self — when I was the only Chinese-American girl who sat in my California third grade class.
~~~~~
Dear Bonnie,
You are bubbly by nature, curious and tomboy all rolled up into one. You play kickball with the boys, but deep inside, you wish you had a pair of patent leather black party shoes too. You always did your best and never stopped caring, thinking and doing until all was taken care of. You wear a smile well and laughter is your default weather. Your eyes sparkle with sunshine because the dreams in your heart keep you content and very low maintenance.
But, I see deep where no one can see.
I see your need.
I know that your father left two years ago suddenly. Without warning, you woke up to find him packing to leave. Your mother is not a safe person. And there is no one left to confide in. You are the girl who can’t stop talking in class — who the teacher forced into exile in Siberia, scooting your desk to the class corner (still to no avail – no one can keep Bonnie from talking!). But, here you are, with no one to hold your broken heart or hear your thousandth question.
You don’t think anyone hears you when you cry at night, when you stare up into the ceiling and watch the shadows dance off headlights from street traffic streaming outside your bedroom window.
Last year, you won second place in the district spelling bee. But, your momma met you with a sigh in her shoulders, her head shaking in disappointment, as you met her eyes of apathy after the awards ceremony. Second place became last place and your sweet young heart fell crushed with regret.
Next year you will you write your first poem. It will be selected to be published in the school newspaper, which you will carefully fold, to carry home and put away quietly in your desk.
You’ve been brought up to believe that nothing good comes easy. Only what’s hard and bitter is served to you as love.
You don’t know it yet, Bonnie. But, none of your tears can erode God’s love for you.
None of your loneliness can be hidden away, like your poem — in the drawer of forgotten.
None of the coldness you wrap around for comfort is going to freeze the gifts God’s given you.
I don’t have an answer to why for you. But, I can tell you — with undeniable certainty — that you are not forgotten.
Every word you whisper on paper is carving out a hungry heart that will grow wide and deep for Jesus to speak into.
You will not stop writing, even though no one seems to care.
You will not stop loving, because your need will keep you vulnerable, longing and tender.
Whatever you do, you must remember this.
Nothing and nobody can change who God has made you.
No mistake, no guilt, no abuse, no lies, no missed opportunities, no shameful words.
You will be afraid. Very afraid. But, even this cannot destroy you. Even if you don’t believe it. It won’t matter. God’s purpose for you cannot be erased.
So, these are my words to you: it’s worth it.
Be broken. Don’t run from it. Feel your need and dare to follow your dreams.
And when you feel you’ve been too broken and cannot stand the pain of being alone one breath longer — break your silence.
Tell someone. Anyone. Everyone. Be that annoying needy someone — until someone who can recognize the voice of Christ in your pain answers. You must not hide, even at the risk of more hurt. Which you surely will be. Because you want to live fully.
And you will.
When you give yourself permission to need — that place of empty, that place of wanting — that ache of unrequited desire will lead you to fulfill the God-sized dreams that are imprinted in you before you were even named.
Before the beginning of time, you were designed to need.
The more you lean into your need, the more you will be able to trust your dreams and pursue them with passion and fervor. No matter what the cost. No matter how long it takes.
Your need entwines you to Christ.
Brokenness is beauty to Him.
You are not forgotten.
No matter what comes. No matter how invisible.
You are not forgotten.
With all my love and tenderness for you,
Bonnie
~~~~~
“It will no longer be said to you, “Forsaken,”
Nor to your land will it any longer be said, “Desolate”;
But you will be called, “My delight is in her,”
…For the LORD delights in you”
~ My Abba Father, Is.62:4
~~~~~
What would you say to your younger self — based on what you know now?
At what point in life would you wish to speak to her– and what would you say?
Pull up a chair and stay a little longer today. Click to comment. Let’s swap some stories.
~~~~~~
** God’s Plans For You Giveaway **
To celebrate Faith Barist’a blog anniversary, I’ve lined up some meaningful gifts to usher in a new year of friendship! Today, I’m giving away Jeanne Winter’s “God’s Plans For You” art print to ONE RANDOMLY SELECTED WINNER.
To Enter:
1. Write a blog post on “What I Now Know” and link it up in the Faith Jam below or share a comment by Midnight Tuesday 8/21/12. Winner will be contacted Thursday 8/23/12.
For Extra Entries:
2. Subscribe to Faith Barista and leave an extra comment letting me know.
3. Share this post on Facebook or Twitter (Click the “Share/Save” button below) and leave an extra comment letting me know.
*** NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — LINK UP IN THE FAITH JAM
HTML Code for the badge:
Faith Barista Jam Thursdays
– I serve up a topic of faith, you write a post and link up (or simply comment).
– Please place the Faith Jam Badge in your post. It’s a welcome sign for our community. Grab the HTML Code above. Thanks!
– It’s a jam session. Visit the post before yours, say hi, drop a comment and make a faith friend. We blog together to encourage each other.
TO LINK UP: Click the blue button below: “Add Your Link” (Subscribers: click here to get there directly).
*Today’s 8/16/12 Writing Prompt: “What I I Know Now”
Write a letter to yourself at an earlier time in your life. Share what you know now about the faith journey with your younger self. Your younger self can be any age you feel prompted to address. e.g. “Dear Jane, ….”.
*Next Thursday’s 8/23/12 Writing Prompt: Write a Letter To God.
Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Click here to learn more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** Don’t miss! ** 
If you are new to Faith Barista, I’d like welcome you here.Click to subscribe by email and get each post in this series served up hot and fresh directly in your mailbox.
90 Comments
[…] am linking up with Bonnie the Faith Barista for Faith Jam, serving up the topic of a letter to my younger self. Although this is not what I intended to […]
Hey Bonnie,
I’m so excited to link up with you again! I missed your Faith Jams while you were away!
I’m a follower via RSS/GFC!!
And I’m #2 in the linky.
I loved your letter, Brooke! So amazing to share together this way…
I tweeted about the link up! Loving my faith shots again.
Here’s the tweet: https://twitter.com/CoveredinGrace/status/236010403954569217
I had those same suspenders. 🙂
It’s okay to be broken. I hear that message in your letter and I take it to heart. So glad you’re back online with us. We missed you.
Whew. I’m not the only one? 🙂 Those suspenders ROCKED.
I so enjoyed reading your letter, Lisa. Reminded me how much I missed you!
tweeted about giveaway
im a suscriber
i loved mork & mindy and word thoses suspenders too!!!!!!!!!!! i love your blog and look forward to reading it. you are so inspiring and your stories are so touching!!!!
Thank you so much, Cassie! You’re so sweet… nanu, nanu!
Oh, Bonnie, my heart breaks for the younger you. Thank the Lord that He healed you and is using you for His work!
Sweet Melissa, It was so special to read your letter — and to go back in time with you — when young love took you to tender places — it speaks to us still today. About letting go and being still. Thank you for opening your heart.
Hi Bonnie,
I missed you and Faith Jam Thursdays! So glad to have you back. Thank you…your writing prompts challenge and stretch me, and I just love them. 🙂
I’m linked up and I subscribe by email.
Blessings,
Laura
Loved your letter, Laura. So good to look back and see how God has brought you through with gems tucked in your heart.
I do not blog. So I am posting here. God bless you Bonnie as you continue to walk with such dignity and courage, the path He is leading you on. Remember, he is with you, and drawing you closer to Himself. Step by step, day by day and moment by moment, you and He will face what up to now has been unfaceable. Thank you for sharing with others.
Dear Joan,
The silent tears. The unspoken, even unacknowledged need your heart hides will one day be seen and heard by the Lover of Your Soul. In fact, even though for the most part you are unaware of Him, He is always close beside you. Gathering those unshed tears into his bottle.
Often now, in fact 99% of the time, you feel so very alone, lonely and afraid. There is One who hears your every cry. Those cries that are buried so deep, even you are not aware of them. One day, you will grow up to know his voice.
Beloved the voice of Jesus, the presence of Jesus will be with you all the days of your life. For He knows the day is coming when you will open your heart to Him. Then gradually and over time, you and He Who Loves you, will embrace the sorrow, fear and pain. He will come with healing in His wings. He will gather you close and hide you in the shelter of His love.
Precious child, you were created for love. To be loved. To give love. You were created to share His love with others. All the things, every sorrow pain and trial will be redeemed by, in and through His love. There will be others who you will touch with His love. You are going to be one-who-hears His voice in a special way. Others will be heart-touched by the words he shares with you because you will share them.
You will learn to rest, lean and abide in the Love of God. So take heart, beloved. You are loved. There is a plan and purpose for your life. I am glad you are me and I am you.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Thank you Joan for posting your letter here. You are indeed loved by Jesus!
Dear Joan, this was beautiful — thank you for sharing your letter here — for us to join you on your journey. You are loved by Jesus 100% even in our 99%. Especially in our 99% afraid.
Thank you. God bless you. As I said in my letter, I grew up to hear and share his heart… today he said:
My children KNOW My voice.
Do you delight in communion with ME?
Then you are truly My child.
It is My joy to meet with you,
To speak with you,
Directly into your heart.
I hold the keys to all you need,
Today and every day,
As well as every moment OF each day.
I have promised that when you seek Me,
When you choose to draw near to Me,
You will discover that I am Emmanuel,
God with you.
Beloved I am WITH you,
All the days of your life.
Will you choose afresh,
This very moment to turn to Me?
To lean on ME?
To rely on ME?
To seek Me with,
All that is “you”?
As you do,
You will find afresh,
That I have been with you,
Speaking into your heart,
Words of love, encouragement,
And yes, conviction.
Precious Child, come to Me
Again and again and again.
All the time
Any time.
From within any time.
xxxx
It was in reading your post to me, that I realized how very often he refers to me/us as his child and we although grow adults now are STILL His Beloved sons and daughters, his children.
I would so tell my younger self to be true to yourself. And to try to make myself as happy as i try to make everyone around me.
Cindy, those are words we all need to receive! To give ourselves permission to receive the love we so easily offer to others. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to post your words on Facebook now…
I cry as I read your words. The past couple of weeks dear Bonnie you have been my voice, my heart, saying things I have not had the words for, but so felt in the deepest of my heart. I thank God for your pain, your brokenness as I am growing and be freed by them. I am coming to realize that there is absolutely nothing we go through that cannot be a blessing to someone else. You have and are blessing me with your transparency, honesty and willingness to be vulnerable to us all. God bless you dear ‘sister’ I keep you in my prayers as you continue to be used by our dear Lord to minister to me ………and many others.
Mercy, Grace and Peace,
Debby
I shared this Faith Jam on Facebook!
I subscribed under teaganstravels@yahoo.com!
Looking forward to more posts from you and Faith Jams!
Bonnie, I will come back later and read. Off to work now. Love you dear friend. Just as with Hagar — God was one who SEES you.
Kate,
Thank you for sharing your letter. I too have had a hard time accepting my pain and taking it too God. Your letter was a blessing to me.
Thank you,
Alicia
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, Bonnie we share so much in common. Only, I didn’t even try for good grades. I acted up all of the time. The little rebel in me, I guess. :o)
Bonnie, this was such a good exercise for me to do. Thank you for the challenge. I stuffed so many feelings inside as a seven year old girl trying to be brave for my family. I had open heart surgery. So much good came out of that experience but at the time I didn’t understand that. This letter helped me!
Thank you for opening up your heart to us. I do believe we can help one another as we go through this faith journey. God is so good and He has a plan for us.
blessings and love,
Debbie
I would say to myself that life is scary and at times you will indeed question everything about your life, but you will/MUST push through. God has so many miracles paved ahead of you and you just CAN’T STOP now. This road may be bumpy and the blood, sweat and tears along the way are hard, but there will be a time when you breath the deepest breath and say “WOW!” You will know His love and His peace and embrace it. You will look back on the bumpy road and see each pothole as a victory. PRAISE HIM, IN ALL THAT YOU DO!!
Bonnie,
I do not blog, although I have played with the thought several times. I wanted to do you letter, but I was scared. As I read your, and thought of how many times reading your fears, pain, tears, joy, and so forth had ministered to me, I wanted to say thank you. I figured the best way to do this was to try this jam thing out. So here it goes 🙂
Dear Alicia,
You are a beautiful and smart woman who seeks Gods will in her life. But you are also in search of something else – someone to love you. You never feel good enough. Not skinny enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not funny enough. Not spiritual enough. Just not enough. So you look for your enough from from boys and men. You pretend it’s all fun, but inside, you hope and long for more. You think constantly, “Is this the one?”
You, dear, long for a man who will love you and fill all your “not enough’s.” I know, because I remember how desperate you feel now, lying by the lake. The “note enough’s” are creating a void inside you and you feel as though you are drowning. So you turn, you turn to God. I’m so proud of you!
But this man you are about to meet, and almost marry, is not not from God. And he’s not who you think he is. he is deceptive, deceitful, cunning, and scary. he smells your fears and weaknesses and will use them against you. He will break you, my dear.
Everyone will warn you, but you’ll find those who support you. Try, and I know you can, to turn to God. Let Him show you how beautiful, smart and amazing you are to Him. Let Him fill all your “not enough’s.” He can do that better than any man ever will.
You are a strong woman. You have endured many trials and pain. I’m just trying to save you from years of nightmares, panic attacks, and loneliness. But, no matter what you decide, know this:
You are enough.
God can and will supply all your needs.
Love will come from unexpected places.
And the best love of all, comes from Jesus Christ.
Remember this always.
Love,
Alicia
Hi Bonnie! I’m so glad to have found such a wonderful site, and so excited to do my very first link-up! I felt so inspired writing my letter to my younger self last night; thank you so much for the prompt. I’m a new subscriber via email and RSS, and I tweeted this post! 🙂
Looking forward to many more of your incredible posts.
Here’s the tweet! https://twitter.com/mybodywillrun/status/236100422018953216
Again, so excited to have found these shots of faith. 🙂
Bonnie loves Mork? We are friends for life. And not being able to stop the talking, I had the same problem in kindergarten. I have not idea what happened.
Writing this letter was so hard and so needed for me. Thanks for choosing this.
You were to cutest little nerd ever! Beautiful letter full of wisdom from the years in between!
What would I say to my younger self… I think of all the insecurities I have had during the growing years… Oh how important I thought was to fit in… to be accepted… and the tears I cried because I didn’t… I would encourage myself in my teen years to hold on… life gets better… or does it… High school was hard too… the popularity factor… the smart ones… the boyfriends… we can feel so ugly unappreciated and dumb… but now I know those were lies… lies to steal my joy… oh how I would change those feelings if I could…
You’re being brave for sharing this, however, it is a good healing process.
When you tapped dance and put on a show, the REAL one to put on the show for is Jesus – He’s the one smiling in the background- shaking his head to the tune. Saying that ‘s my sister – isn’t she special. It’s okay no one else notices you are special because I do.
Come sit over here and let Jesus tell you why you are so special to me and Him. We share the same Daddy, yep, My daddy and yours are the same. He has a mansion, he’s rich and famous. There are a lot of people you will meet later on in your life, even big men who say they know God and they study the Bible. They’ll tell you lies about Our Father. They’ll tell you, you aren’t his, they’ll say unless you behave in a certain way, you can’t call him your Daddy. Don’t believe them. You, my sister, have a Daddy in heaven He is called Abba Daddy and Jesus is His son, so that makes Him our brother and He is AWESOME- He is the BEST big brother you could ever have!!
Jesus can tell you about boys. Some boys are going to want to kiss you and say they “love you” and they’re going to act in certain ways and they will touch your body and your body is going to like the sensations but it won’t be real love. Real love is the kind that says – YOUR life is more important than theirs, what you want is more important than their wants. And I know sis, it’s going to be hard for you to be able to tell the difference. But if you ask our big Brother Jesus, he’ll let you know who is the best guy for you. In fact Jesus’ advice to us little sis is to –Guard your heart. He knows how boys think and he knows that you want to please them, but WAIT until he tells you. He’ll check with his Dad to make sure it’s safe for you.
And sis, because I know Jesus and His Daddy are rich – you won’t have to worry about money and stuff, because he has everything we need. Like sometimes you might only have a nickel in your pocket and you go to the store and something is supposed to be $2 and you go to the register and she’ll ring up 1 cent!!! Yep, isn’t that crazy – only 1 cent and it’s supposed to be $2. I did you catch that – you had 5 cents so look how good this Daddy is, you only had to pay a penny and you still have 4 cents left!!
Isn’t He Awesome!!
Oh, and Daddy is so kind, let’s say you lost something. Or a friend of yours took it away. HE gets you a new one and it’s a newer one and a better model than the one you had! Yep, that’s our Abba Daddy – little sis. So, Instead of dancing and entertaining your parents’ friends.; I’m inviting you over to my new families’ house and you can play over here – it’s safer and all you need is here. One day even Mom and Dad are going to come over to this house too. And it’ll all be glorious then. You’ll see, have faith little sister, have faith!
I wish to tell the my young teen self that even though you have had to take on the responsibilites of an adult at 13 years old because your mom had to go to work to help share in the financial load of raising 5 children it will benefit you later in life. With only a high school education mom had to take a job working nights cleaning one of the floors in the Standard Buildings in downtown Cleveland, OH. I missed her so much. No way was I ready to take on house cleaning, laundry, taking care of 3 little sisters, washing my dads dirty underwear and packing his lunches. Dad shut down and isolated himself from us kids when mom left for work. He was lost without her there and expected me to take her place when she wasn’t there. I was mad and frustrated because I wanted to go hang out with my friends and have my mom tuck me in at night.
I would tell her that all of the frustration and anger would eventually help her to make choices that would allow her to be there for her own children. I may have lost my childhood at 13 years old but I was given a second chance when I had my own children. I went to college to make sure I could get a job working only during the day so I would be home for my kids at night to tuck them in. So my kids were able to be kids and so I wouldn’t be like my poor mom who missed out on ball games, concerts and all kinds of life expereicnces she never had the opportunity to share in because she had to do what she did for me to have the basic essentials of life like clothes, food and shelter. I got to cheer from the stands, I got to be the team mom, I got to miss nights of sleep holding a sick child in my arms, I got to watch triumphs and failures. I got to see it all!!
That frustration and anger turned into determination and drive to be the mother that my mom and I both wish I could have had. God had it all planned out from the very beginning. I now see how much he was preparing me from my childhood to understand and chreish the beauty and awesomeness of being a mom! I will be forever grateful to God for giving me an awesome mom who taught me how to make sacrifices and for showing me that there is always a reason why he allows us to go through tough times.
Thanks Jules for sharing….I had the same experience in school…never really fit in, but wasn’t really trying either. I thought it was normal to have hand-me-down clothes from my cousins, I thought it was great, but kids a school were cruel and pucker on me mercilessly….never knew how much it affected me until later in life when my poor self esteem caused me to make poor choices. This is the letter I would write myself in my early twenties after graduating university.
Dear Ely,
You are out on your own now and there is a whole big and not so pure world out there. Remember what your parents taught you and what you learned in church, you’ll need to hold onto that in the years ahead. You think everything is good now, that you’re an adult but really you’re still a scared little girl inside. Don’t be lured by men who befriend you and are going to “teach you all about life”….God has already shown you the answers in His Word. I wish I could take you and hold you tight in my arms and stop you from getting into a bad relationship that will take over 10 years to get out of :(. I wish you would have the self-esteem to be on your own for a while and pursue your passions and find out WHO you are and not just be with someone who is nice to you and makes you feel good temporarily. You know deep down that you should pursue God and only Him, but you feel you cannot cope without a man in your life. Don’t forget to look after yourself and your own self-esteem. You can serve God best when you are your best! You will experience a lot of pain because you need to learn everything on your own and want to “experience life”. Yes, you were sheltered by your Christian parents, but one day you will see that is not a bad thing. You will not attain the things you think you will by going down this path, but God can restore and He will turn things around for good….just believe that. If you allowed the Lord to guide you and were patient, things would go well for you but you are impulsive and think you have to act or noone will. Enjoy this time because you will not always be this naiive and will be crushed and tainted by the experiences of your life. Jesus loves you, this I know!! Please think about what I have said….your older, wiser and disappointed self.
Hey, Bonnie! I’m #19 in your link-up, and also an email subscriber!
Bonnie, I missed linking with you so much! I am thrilled to have written this post to my younger self. I have already had some private comments from readers. This subject touches deep places my friend. YAY! SO EXCITED TO DO THE FAITH JAM AGAIN! WOO HOO!!!
(And your post is beautiful. Ha, I watched Mork and Mindy too — though I never joined their club by buying the suspenders. hee hee.)
Love!
Beth
Oh Bonnie, your words spoke to the little girl in me that felt the same and experienced the abandonment and also the fear. Knowing you were never safe. Mom was not safe. Thank you. I am going to carry this letter with me for a while. The words are not finished working through me. Thank you.
This is beautiful Bonnie. It’s funny. I’ve never considered what I would say to a younger version of myself. I didn’t go back as far as you but it’s been good to do so. Blessings to you my sweet friend.
I am a subscriber to your blog and love your honesty and faith! So blessed by your sharing this letter with us today!
If I were to write a letter to my younger self I would address it to the teenage me and tell her that she doesn’t need anyone by God’s love to be accepted. That God loves me just as I am, He is the daddy that I didn’t have and the best friend that I always needed. I would tell her to get into God’s Word and find time to just pray and surrender my life to Him instead of looking for escape through alcohol and relationships. I would let her know that God loves her no matter her mistakes and that He is just standing there waiting for her to come running back to Him! I would tell her she is beautiful just as she is and that God has the most amazing plans for her!!
I wrote a similar letter today. You are accepted in the Beloved are words that changed my life, and trusting in Him with all my heart is what I intend to do.
My childhood nickname was Mindy. I loved Mork and Mindy too. I would often hear teasing children say, “Hey Mindy where’s Mork?” Today my dear cousin and I share that greeting with each other every phone call. She calls me Nanu Nanu and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thank you for the opportunity to share in the Faith Jam again. What a blessing it has been. I wrote to my 16 yr old self. Sharing was scary, but I was glad I did. You are a blessing and hearing about God in your life makes us want to be brave.
stepping out again because of you…thanks for the encouragement! #29
I’m glad your back, I’ve missed you!!
I’ve wondered about this writing a letter to my younger self quite often. What would I say? I would go back to middle school me, when insecurities first started seeping in, and tell me to love myself self and don’t bend for anyone’s approval. To believe in yourself more and don’t lose your voice bc you really do matter.
Blessings Bonnie.
Hi Bonnie,
So thankful you are back. Missed your musings and encouragement. Praying you continue to draw near the Lord in your trials.
I linked up and am already a subscriber.
I love the prompt for this faith jam.
Blessings.
Julie
Tweeted
You’ve been in my heart and prayers — what joy to have you back here inviting us all in!
Just twittered & Facebooked your -jam – I had to wait until I got home, as “social networking” is blocked at work!
The post inspired by your writing prompt today is perhaps my most epic – and most scary to publish! – ever. I spoke to my college self – the one questioning her sexual orientation, teetering on the brink of marriage to a man she didn’t love just to get married and prove to herself and the world she COULD be straight, the girl who prayed even though she wasn’t even sure the God she prayed to existed. And all because of just a handful of small decisions based on snippets of God’s word, I can tell her about incredible blessings that she couldn’t have dreamed of. Different blessings then she would have wished or prayed for, certainly – but so above and beyond dreams, they wouldn’t have even made a wish list back then.
Thank you for the prompt. When I saw it, I was pretty much stumped as to what I would write. But I headed upstairs with my iPhone to take a few instagram pics of old college photos, and it all came rushing back to me. The confusion, the darkness, the pleading with the Lord. It was very therapeutic to write this. I’m afraid I might face some backlash because for me, the Right choice was choosing a heterosexual life. I’m at a point right now that I can’t say it’s the Right choice, period, for everyone. But for me, it was. And I am so glad that God granted me the wisdom beyond my years and my confusion and my doubt to make that one Right choice.
Love to you, Bonnie! I have MISSED YOU, my dear friend!! The French say, “tu me manqué”, which means “you are missing from me”. Are you going to Relevant this year? I don’t have a ticket yet but I’m thinking about trying to get one…
Bonnie,
This was a great piece, one I needed to read right now. Thank you.
I do hope I didn’t break any unwritten rules; I seem to be the only guy taking part in the Faith Jam.
I can not even began to tell you how blessed I have been by reading some of these blog posts! So many women that I can identify with is such a balm over my troubled soul.
Thank you, Bonnie
One of my favorite verses! Love your blog posts!
I am already a subscriber 😉
I shared on both Facebook AND Twitter, as usual – because your blog posts are AWESOME! I am SO glad you’re back, dear Bonnie!!!
My life verse
I subscribe by e mail
I am back and finally able to sit and read your post again, not so fast, I let the words sink into my heart. “Be broken. Don’t run from it. Feel your need and dare to follow your dreams.” I am on this same path and journey my friend. I love you. I am broken with you. My dreams……. my marriage restored and stronger than ever, sharing my heart with others to bring hope and healing to them, somehow becoming a daycare teacher again (this one is the harder one right now). After being fired and a false accusation of hurting a child, it is terrifying to go back into the field I dearly love. I will be sharing this on FB tonight. I love this post. Love you friend and continuing to pray for you. xoxoxoxo
Beautifully written. I shared. 🙂
“Your need entwines you to Christ.” This. Yes.
And, I had those suspenders, too.
So thankful for what God is doing in and through you, Bonnie.
Nanoo, nanooo Bonnie!
What a little honey you were(are) As a teacher my heart goes out to you…. your picture reminds me of several little girls that I taught – each one so precious – your pic makes me smile big.
Knee surgery to repair a torn ACL this past May began for me a time of change. Surgery left me feeling more vulnerable than ever. I normally am plucky and bounce back fast, but another part of me felt more weak and weepy than usual. I spent nights awake just praying. There was something else going on – something beyond the physical pain. A questioning… a looking out into the darkness and feeling so empty and scared. Rising in myself was a new desire – a desire NOT to bounce back so fast – a desire to just take time with the healing for a change. (I even resented my sweet husband for encouraging and challenging my limited efforts at getting “back to normal”.) I just wanted to be waited on.. to be babied, to be held and comforted, reassured….
After surgery I felt the need to slow down and use the time needed for my knee to heal as an excuse to drop out of regular life a little and let Jesus do some heart therapy on me.
I felt broken- not knee-wise, but emotion-wise. At times I felt ashamed to be in that place.. like I should be beyond it..
“Come, on Donna”, I’d tell myself.. you’ve been blessed…you have been able to do so much – be grateful…. you are wallowing..don’t wallow! Get on with life- the past is the past!”
I felt like I should just KNOW certain things but somehow I missed learning them because I was too slow or too stupid. – It seemed everyone else “got it” and that I was alone in my ignorance – desperately trying to fake it so I’d fit in and not be left alone! I have been carrying around unanswered questions for long time… surviving on the outside while on the inside I was struggling to secretly figure it all out, working to put together a secret puzzle that should have been completed long ago- hoping that others didn’t find out how messy and scattered all my pieces still are.
I was also feeling foolish for my awkwardness at living married life (We’ve been married 1 and 1/2 years – This is my 1st marriage and I’m 48. I know I have a lot to learn and time to learn it in, but I felt such an uncomfortable urgency – like I should already know more and felt ashamed that I wasn’t the ‘have-it-together’ wife. ) I was not very peaceful and was being so hard on myself – not giving myself permission to fail. Some days I’d melt into a lump of raw emotion. So where was my faith.. my strength…my wisdom? Is all had seemed to drain out and I knew nothing I was empty! That empty feeling made me anxious. I began to struggle with insecurities I had from middle school… old voices telling me that I was “a big mess – a mistake.. that I’d better hide the fact that I don’t have it all together so I wouldn’t be rejected.. just be cool.. go forward…press on..be smooth.
Well, Bonnie, I decided to just let my mess be my mess…. Jesus made me the way he did and He loves me.. I know this simple truth in my head- I might as well stand and live on that fact. l dared to give myself permission to feel the way I felt. I certainly didn’t choose all my life’s circumstances or the feelings that went with them…. Although it is dark, I have been obediently putting my mess in Jesus’ hands – Jesus does tell us to “cast all our cares on Him. I think I am learning to trust Jesus on a deeper level… (Hmmm did I ever really trust Jesus before – or just talk about trusting Him?)
I need to let Jesus do the work I thought was all done….to let Jesus do work on areas that I had tried to do on my own with my limited understanding and power. I even asked His sweet mother, Mary, to help un-knot the mass of tangles of my thoughts and memories because I could no longer even know what to present to Jesus. Mary has been a tender and comforting presence.. helping me persevere in trust of her Son.
So I keep feeling and keep praying….I am still working through stuff.. but new hope is rising and lately I have been receiving drops of clarification and seeds of wisdom/learning that have been welcome and refreshing. A spiritual director I once had told me that when God wants to fill us with more of Himself, he has the Holy Spirit dig a hole in our hearts. That digging never feels great.. but I do have confidence and hope that it is all for a good thing! My spiritual director also told me.. “look at Jesus.. keep looking at Him…. and so I do.. and I know you do to, Bonnie
In the last couple of months I have been introduced to some awesome music by Audrey Assad. The lyrics to her song “Wherever You Go” Have touched me deeply and may bless you as they have me…. You can hear the song on YouTube…. Here are the lyrics:
“Wherever You Go”
There’s a train leaving your heart tonight.
There’s a silence inside your head
and you’re running you’re running from it.
Down the tracks on a midnight line.
There’s a red moon in the sky and you’re running you’re running from it.
But I’m coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I’m coming for you, I’m coming for you wherever you go.
Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through
There’s a blessing in the wound and you’re running you’re running from it.
When all your demons are at your door
it’s a soldier they’re looking for and you’re running you’re running from it.
But I’m coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I’m coming for you, I’m coming for you wherever you go.
I’m coming for you, I’m coming for you wherever you go
I’m coming for you, I’m coming for you wherever you go
Across the sea, the space between
everything you think you know,
the things you keep and bury deep underneath the melting snow –
I’ll follow.
Fathers & mothers don’t always come through,
but I’m never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don’t always hold true,
but I’m never gonna stop falling for you
So, when your wine’s all gone and your well runs dry,
Open your hands and look into my eyes; all that you see here,
you’ll soon leave behind, so open your hands and look into my eyes
’cause I’m coming for you, coming for you wherever you go
I’m coming for you, I’m coming for you wherever you go [5x]
Yeah, I’m coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]
I’m coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]
Fathers & mothers don’t always come through,
but I’m never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don’t always hold true,
but I’m never gonna stop falling for you
God bless you, Bonnie!
In the heart of Jesus,
Donna
Just catching up on your blog after a busy summer. You are doing a good work- not only for you and your readers but for your children. After spending time with my mother this summer I discovered that many of her deep wounds came from her mother. She has experienced much healing in her life, but not until after I was college age. Seeing where her wounds have come from has renewed my desire to parent my children in a God centered way.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Bonnie that was beautiful!!! I am speechless! You have inspired me this week!!! I love your honesty- and I’m just- well- speechless!
God has blessed you tremendously!
This is huge: “I don’t have an answer to why for you. But, I can tell you — with undeniable certainty — that you are not forgotten.” Such truth. Thank you, Bonnie.
Bonnie,
I am so glad you are writing again! Your letter was awesome and I could feel you comforting that little 3rd grade girl in your words! Healing is hard and you are on that path, God is whispering those loving words into your heart just as you were in this letter to the younger Bonnie! I’m going to think about your questions at the “Lisa” I want to write too. There can be so many different letters! When I was going through all my counseling I wrote “my story” but it was a broad story in the 3rd person, I couldn’t write to myself as an older, wiser me but now, maybe now I can do this.
Thank you Bonnie for being vulnerable and for putting your thoughts and feelings out there for us to read. I can say now that its worth it, to let someone into your dark world, because people do care!
Keep writing!
Lisa
Bonnie, thank you for sharing your heart with us again, and even in the midst of your pain of remembering, you are reaching out with love for others who are remembering their own pain, too. It’s probably safe to say that each one of us has pain, for we are in a broken, messed up world. Some of us have pain that goes deeper than others, and I cannot imagine how very painful your memories are. I am so sorry for the deep, deep pain that you felt, and are feeling, again, now. And I’m so very thankful that God is holding you close through this difficult time. Thanks again, and … sending love and prayers for you. And thanking Him for the gift of you …
Bonnie, thank you again for finding my feelings I’ve stuffed inside for 50 some years. I was the 3 rd youngest of 8 kids, so got a litle lost at times. When I was 8 , my oldest brother was killed in a car accident. Course no one talked to kids about death then, so I was sure God took my brother because I had done something wrong. That little girl didn’t know where her brother was now , her sister had to move 6 hrs away to be with my pregnant sister in law, so I lost my sister too, I kept everything inside, so no one would see my hurt. Not too much has changed.n last year – 2011 I was in a fender bender, broke my scaphoid bone, lost my job, no work men’s comp, got Behind on all my bills but I was still trying. Jan of this year i was diagnosed with breast cancer, – no lumps, no nothing. My dr assured me- she would do bilateral mastectomy w immediate reconstruction, I’d be good as. New by July. A week after surgery,I was back in er with a chest wall staph infection. Two more surgeries to remove implants. My brother in law was diagnosed w bladder cancer. I was in hospital ( change of depression meds) .he had his surgery – he would need chemo. Ok, he was ready. Next day my dr came to see me, tells me my brother in law died the night before. Why him and not me? I still don’t know what I’d say to the little girl but pain is a big part of your life. Was I ever worth it? I have my doubts. I feel the pain. I don’t know where God is right now. Maybe one day, I’ll know him. Thanks Bonnie, I wish you well. And yes I used to ” journal” my feelings to God. Don’t think God cared enough to read them.
What I would say to my younger teenage self: “Stop comparing yourself with other girls!” “Comparison only has two outcomes, both equally detrimental…you will feel good about yourself by putting someone down in your head or you will feel horrible about yourself because you’ve put yourself down.” “Embrace who you are. Who God has made YOU to be. Be free.” That’s what I would say.
You’ve been in my heart since a She Speaks sister turned me onto your blog and Faith Jam for the first time. As I read your posts over the previous few months my heart ached for you. I so am traveling a similar road with you, friend. Last night I cried before, during and after a date night with my husband. My grief is so real, so raw. Most I share. Some I don’t dare to reveal. Not yet. The words aren’t so painful they can’t even be typed. But God is working. Healing. Holding me close in His loving hands. It is a bittersweet but blessed place to be. Like you, I write as a lifeline. It is healing to do so and brings me closer to Him. Just when I think I’ve “said” or posted too much He shows me I have a message that others can related to. Just like yours. Keep writing sweet girl. God will bless you for it.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18
In Jesus’ Name, Michelle
Oh, Bonnie what a beautiful letter you wrote yourself…..maybe just maybe I will write this letter to my childself too…..Love your Faith Barista site, Lori
Bonnie, I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to share my letter on my blog, so here it is…
Dear Mandy,
At age 11, you are embarking on a rough stretch. This is what you need to know:
You matter. You are worth protecting. You are worth standing up for. You are beautiful just as you are, and nothing anyone says or does can change your infinite value.
When people fail you, and they will, it is not a reflection of your worth—or your importance in their eyes. You see, precious one, we are all weak sometimes. We all fall short, in big ways and small. People are all broken in some way, and it is not entirely their fault. The battle against sin sometimes causes us to hurt each other.
You have been deeply hurt. And it is not your fault. Your Heavenly Father never wanted you to be betrayed, shamed, neglected, overlooked and abused. He created you out of love, and He cherishes you more than you will know.
You can cling to His faithfulness because He will not fail you. He is a Father who keeps His promises. He created you for greatness, and He will heal your wounds and call out that greatness in you.
Let me say it again: your Father made you for great things! He fashioned you on purpose, for a purpose that only you can fulfill. You worship Him and reflect Him to others in a way that only you can. In a Mandy-shaped way.
So, hold your head up high! That frizzy hair, braces, and extra pounds? No big deal! You are on a mission. Noisy people hurling their opinions at you? No big deal! Let them fly right by. Others thrusting their expectations on you? No big deal! You are not serving them, only God. Feeling rejected? No big deal!
You have a Father who is crazy about you! He wants you where you are, just the way you are. He is awfully proud of you.
You are safe with Him.
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All I can say is Thank you Bonnie for being so honest with your brokeness. It lets me know that I too can journal and be honest and heal. All the Glory to Our Lord and Saviour.
What a blessing to be able to remember in order to heal. I so enjoyed this post. We women carry lots of pain, hidden in mothering, working, etc. I would love to “feel” but I too am scared to be vulnerable even to myself! Crazy right?! You are a blessing. Continue to write.. we read and we soak it in.
What a loving Father we serve.
Hi Bonnie,
I don’t blog, have a website, twitter or Facebook.
I do enjoy reading your comments.
I also had open heart Surgury, at age 48. I am a Diabetic & went in to Washinton Hospital Center for an Angioplasty. This was to see IF I had a Blockage. Well, during the procedure, I had 2 blocked Arteries & 2 heart Attacks. I was in their care for 13 Days& EVERYONE told me how they had prayed for me.
ONLY, I was not a Christian.
But, the surgeon that saved my life was. Seems he was from Lousiana & when he was a child, his own Mom died of a Heart Attack,at age 48.
Later he came & told me that his Dad was a Christiam Minister.
What are the odds?
You see, this happened in 2000 & the Hospital’s Staff was ON Strike!!
NEVER UNDER ESTIMATE THE POWER OF PRAYER!!
YOU MAY WALK AWAY FROM GOD, BUT HE IS STILL THERE, WAITING FOR YOU TO RETURN & I DID !! 🙂
Today, I take MUCH better care of my Health & lean on the LORD.
I’m not WASTING one second at my second (or maybe third) chance at life that I’ve been given.
GOD BLESS
I ache for your younger self and the pain you still carry. Thank you for your courage and vulnerability in doing the hard work to heal and allowing others to learn from your experience. You are amazing, and lots of people besides your heavenly Father think so! May He heal you with His abundant love.
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Thank you for this letter Bonnie.
A note to my younger self definitely encourages me to see God has been with me always no matter what and chosen me no matter the obstacles. A note to my younger self shows me how much i have grown into a spiritually mature person and if i knew then what i know now i would be at a different place today. But good or bad i have got to trust God and see how far he has brought me in my 26years never to leave me or forsake me.
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Hmmm I think I would speak to my seven year old self and this is what I would say
Dear Habibah,
You are smart! You are kind! You are important! You heart is as big as the ocean–don’t be ashamed but embrace because God made you that way. You are brilliant–don’t play small for anyone. The people that really love you will not ask you to shine less but to be brighter. You have an awesome future ahead of you but I know it is really dark and confusing now. There are going to be somethings that happen to you over the next couple of years that will try to break your spirit–please don’t let it!! You are a GOOD person no matter what anyone says and you deserve good things in this life. Don’t ever doubt that! God so loves you and is just a prayer away from you. Prayer is not what you see Grandmama doing 5 times a day–mechanical, cold or robotic. Prayer are those questions you have in the middle of the night–it is the talks that you have in the basement when you are reading. Prayer is simple–You talk to God and He talks back. Continue to do this no matter what! Aumi is struggling now and I know that you are confused–but hold on because although she doesn’t ever get better–the situation will.
You are called to serve women–hurting women, young women, teenage moms. Don’t let that dream go!!! Keep pushing cause you will get there.
I know you feel out of place and alone but please trust me when I tell you–You are exactly what God intended. You are unique–just like your name! The gap in your teeth, your fast speech, your curved spine, your crazy kidneys–You are not a mistake!! FYI Don’t hate your name!! It is who you are–one day when you are older Aubi will tell you the story of your name and you will finally get it!! You are clearly chosen and loved by God!!
You are smart! You are kind! You are important!!
Love you
Habibah
I AM DEEPLY TOUCHED, TRULY MOVED, BY YOUR POSTS. I HAVE SUFFERED WITH ANXIETY,
DEPRESSION – AND,YES – WHAT ARE REFERRED TO AS PANIC ATTACKS. HOWEVER, I AM MUCH
BETTER. MY FAITH IN GOD KEEPS ME GOING, INCLUDING A HIGHER VISION BEYOND THE EARTHLY:
HEAVEN, WHAT I ENVISION AS THE REALM OF THE ABSOLUTE, THE ULTIMATE; THERE ARE NO
ADEQUATE WORDS ! NOT YET “SEEN” CLEARLY BUT SOMEHOW “FELT” WITHIN THE INNER
RECESSES OF MY HEART.
A QUOTE FOR YOU FROM LORD TENNYSON’S “IN MEMORIAM”:
ONE GOD, ONE LAW, ONE ELEMENT, AND ONE DIVINE EVENT TO WHICH THE WHOLE
CREATION MOVES. . .
YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!
BLESSINGS!
MARY ANN!
You idea of writing to your young self, reminded me of how much I used to love to write all my emotions down. Sadly I avoid much thinking of my younger version now days…..guess I can try and reflect upon the journey that is taking me back to my God and Savior, just like you….thank you for sharing.
[…] Mandy * * * You can read Bonnie’s letter by visiting Faith Barista. A special note: I discovered that my link to New Life Steward in Monday’s post was broken. […]
[…] P.P.S. – You will fall madly in love with Scotland and it will never leave you. I am sorry about that too. This is a letter written to my younger self about what I know now. Written for this week’s Faith Jam. Visit Bonnie to read more letters. […]