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I Still Remember: A Wedding Anniversary

By Bonnie Gray • September 6, 2012 • 39 Comments

If you were to write a letter to someone you love today, who would you write to — what would you say?

 

Nine years is almost ten.

But, I feel like it was just yesterday when we just met.

I had given up on my dreams of becoming a writer.

Given up on ever finding my voice on paper.

But, one thing I could never give up on was finding true love.

Don’t get me wrong. I was pretty sure I had the gift of singleness, because for the life of me, I just could not fall in love.

And because I couldn’t find “The One”, even as I blew out thirty candles, I was confident with my choice to be single.

I was stepping into the prime of my career and very active in ministry.  I was meeting people, but I had just told my life story one too many times over a cup of coffee or bite of chicken ceasar salad.  I was living scenes straight out of the movie Groundhog Day.  I could literally predict what the guy would say next as I repeated the same get-to-know-me conversation. You know?

But my determination to be happy single seemed to pour oil onto open flames. My married friends urged me — don’t be so picky.  you never know… blah, blah, blah.

But, I drew the line when it came to love and matrimony.

So much of my life had already been lived out of the discipline of obedience.  So I knew — for me — I would never marry because it was the “right thing to do”, whether socially or culturally.  As much as some of my wonderfully, happily-married friends would advocate, marriage for me would not begin as a sensible choice to love somebody — and have it grow into passion later.

In the hidden place of my soul years ago, I had asked God for love that would blossom in the same way I gave my heart to Christ as a little girl.  With passion and abandon.

If someone were to represent Christ to me here on earth as husband, I wanted to meet a man who could speak into my heart and open it to vulnerability. My longing for marriage sprang out of my heart desire to be a home to his heart — as much as mine would rest in his.

Is there anyone out there to love me this way? I asked God in the silence.

Today, I’m celebrating nine years of wedded bless and matrimony.

Through the PTSD (post-traumatic stress) that’s emerged five months ago— my panic attacks, my inability to do so many of the things I used to do, my tears and my insomnia — Eric has been there night and day.

Listening to my stories, over and again.  Listening to the sadness and the fears. Carrying hope with me one day at a time.

Do you wish you hadn’t chosen me? I choked out one night to Eric.

I look into his eyes, searching for disappointment.  Hesitancy.

Eric whispers — You are my everything.  You are beautiful.  You make me happy.

He kisses my tears and I cry some more.

I cry because my hand is in his.

I cry because my heart is still his home and his still mine.

I cry because God answers prayers.

Today’s post is dedicated to my husband of nine years, on the day of our wedding anniversary.

Honey, you were there from the beginning.  You didn’t know it, but you were holding the key that would unlock my heart forever.

You were wooing me to speak from my heart.  And I want you to know, you still move me that way.

Whenever I need to remember what it’s like to float with happiness — to be filled from head to toe with pure joy and the absence of worry — I close my eyes and go back to that day we were married. We are holding hands, saying our vows and looking into each other’s eyes.  There was no one else around us in that moment.  I was safe in your heart.

Today, I offer you this letter, a gift of words to say: I still remember.

I still remember

… the first time you walked into the room, a couple minutes early, before that evening’s time of fellowship.  you arrived right on time.

… your expressions were quiet and reserved.  style understated.

… the first emails you sent me.  you asked how i was doing.  we talked about how we liked our coffee black.

… our month long email exchanges.  got me wondering why you hadn’t asked me out.

… riding in your camaro, with a jack-in-the-box antenna ball.  bob marley playing through the speakers.  george strait among your faves.  made me laugh.

I still remember

… our first date. so ordinary, i thought: a cup of coffee, a movie, and pizza afterwards.  how mistaken i was.  our connection was unmistakeably extraordinary.

… how guarded i was, protecting my heart by keeping you at a distance with safe conversation.  with courage, you didn’t give up.  unfazed, you kept wooing me, disarming me with questions no one ever dared or cared to ask.

… our first kiss.  i told you i didn’t want to be kissed until going three months steady.  under the shade of a willow tree, with a cool breeze blowing by, your arms wrapped around me, I changed my mind.

… long talks into the night with the phone resting on my pillow because my hands were too tired from holding it.  we watched our rooms go from dark to sunlit, as we hung up to say goodbye before getting up in pain to go to work.

… when i warned you that my life wasn’t so normal.  it’s complicated.  maybe you’d like to be happy with someone else.  i’d understand.

sanddollar

I still remember

… the moment you dropped on bended knee with a ring in hand.  we were running around, collecting sand dollars washed up en mass by the tides.

… walking down the aisle, seeing you smile through a bride’s veil.  you took my hand, among family and friends, we exchanged our lifelong vows.

… the birth of our baby boys.  we were so clueless.  how our lives have changed.

… the sleep deprivation. you sacrificing sleep, to take care of baby, so I could rest.

… the difficult days in a difficult job.  you hung in there, providing for our family.

I still remember

… your gift of listening, taking time to make conversation, year after year.  never tiring of hearing me talk, reading my writing, and eating semi-burnt food.

… how you pour me a cup of coffee, help me fold the laundry, take out the trash.

… you praying with me, dreaming with me, being my best friend.

Nine years of happiness.  I still remember.  Everyday, we get up together and face the unknown. Thank you for giving me yourself and being faithful.  Thank you for being the safe place for me to hide when I feel like giving up.

eric & me this past year

You are God’s earthly reminder that there is heaven.

I love you, Sweetie. Happy 9th Anniversary.

 

“Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.” ~ Isaiah 43:19

~~~~~

If you were to write a letter to someone you love, who would you write to — and what would you say?

What memories would you cherish — what do you still remember?

Pull up a chair and stay a little longer today.  Click to comment. Let’s swap some stories.

~~~~~~

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*Today’s 9/6/12 Writing Prompt: “A letter to someone you love”. Write a letter to your spouse, a special someone, a child, family member or friend (other than God this time).

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39 Comments

  • Reply Brooke @ Covered in Grace September 6, 2012 at 12:17 am

    What a wonderful post. So very touching…filled with sweet, precious memories.
    Happy Anniversary to the two of you!!
    I hope you have a fantastic day.

    I wrote a letter to My Love also– first one in the link up. =) Thanks for hosting this!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 6, 2012 at 3:42 pm

      Loved swooning to the beat of your heart in your letter. just beautiful, Brooke. Thank you for writing from your soul.

  • Reply Beth September 6, 2012 at 3:13 am

    Bonnie, you looked beautiful as always. I didn’t know you suffered from panic attacks. That is something God healed in me years ago. Have you ever read my testimony?

    God bless you and Happy Anniversary to you and your Prince Charming!

    Love!
    Beth

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm

      I didn’t know, Beth! I’m praising God with you for the story you’ve lived to tell … Love!

  • Reply Dawn September 6, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Beautiful, Bonnie- just beautiful. I love that you are reminded of heaven by your faithful husband! I think God gives us heavenly glimpses through our hubbies and their ways.

    In His Grace, Dawn

    • Reply Tara September 6, 2012 at 6:09 am

      Dawn, your letter is beautiful. I have three daughters, ages 25, 23, and 17, and each one is on the verge of big change. One is moving into the city, one is planning a wedding, the “baby” is a senior in high school, planning the college transition. They all know and love the Lord (all praise to Him!). Lately, probably because of the impending changes, I have been too focused on the imperfections in my own parenting. Thank you for this reminder of the truth: there is ONLY one PERFECT PARENT, God Himself. My journey through parenting is meant to make ME more like HIM. I am feeling grace flow through your words, and I would love to share your letter with my Moms in Prayer group later this month!

      • Reply Dawn September 6, 2012 at 6:29 am

        Hi Tara- of course you can share it! I lead a Moms In Prayer group at my daughter’s Christian school! We are MIP sisters, sister! I have to confess, I wrote it and hit publish, but every time I re-read it I find mistakes I am editing. I did write through bleary eyes, though- but He held my hand and comforted me with His presence and truth! He is our strength, peace, joy and
        comfort! In His Grace, Dawn

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

      Dawn, your letter was so open and vulnerable. Your daughter is so blessed to have this gift of you — your FULL voice — all of it. It will make her strong and give her soul courage. Thank you for sharing it with us!

      • Reply Dawn September 6, 2012 at 6:24 pm

        Thank you, Bonnie. It is a blessing to have you back on Thursdays! Missed you and Thursday Jam!

  • Reply Lisa notes September 6, 2012 at 4:32 am

    Such a beautiful story, Bonnie. Happy, happy anniversary. Jeff and I just celebrated our 20th last Tuesday. I’ve often thought that God blessed me with Jeff so I could actually feel, see, taste, live what it means to be loved unconditionally.

    I’m thankful God gave you Eric. And I’m sure Eric is equally thankful that God gave him you.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm

      (sigh) God knew who we needed — and vice versa. 🙂 Thanks also for sharing your letter to you daughter. It was so touching & healing to read. I could feel your soul & your mind engage in unison singing a love song — a mom loving a daughter in the deepest expression she knows. Can’t imagine her heart swelling as she reads it!

  • Reply Mary September 6, 2012 at 4:38 am

    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!! Just wanted to stop in and congratulate the both of you and say may you be blessed with many, many, many years of heart filled happiness always. God is forever faithful!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm

      Thank you, Mary!

  • Reply Melissa September 6, 2012 at 4:45 am

    What a sweet, beautiful letter! How precious it is when God makes a match. Happy anniversary to you and Eric!

  • Reply Nikole Hahn September 6, 2012 at 5:08 am

    Oh, Bonnie, what a beautiful letter! You nearly made me cry!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm

      Oh, Nikole! *sniff* pass the kleenex!

  • Reply Marina Bromley September 6, 2012 at 5:16 am

    How perfect! Congratulations! What a blessing that God knew you needed a man strong and tender (He gave me one of those too!)

    I’m so glad you are blogging again, and I pray it’s healing for you as you prepare to write again! I’m lifting you up in prayer!!

  • Reply Diane W. Bailey September 6, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Happy Anniversary!

    My son has PTSD. Nightmares are really bad and that will trigger a panic attack…it happened just this morning. Having someone to simply listen is the best gift one can give in that moment. I’m so glad your husband can give you that gift.

    Hang in there – God will use it for your testimony and His glory. This is not the end.

    Praying for you

  • Reply Jennifer September 6, 2012 at 6:26 am

    Bonnie, beautiful letter! You have a precious marriage! A beautiful example for us single gals to follow!

  • Reply Sarah September 6, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Awww Bonnie you had me swoooning with your love story which is once again a reminder to me – a single – that God is truly The Matchmaker. I soo love your statement: “You are God’s earthly reminder that there is heaven.” Happy 9th Wedding Anniversary to you & Eric. May you share long lives together with your children, in His sovereign keeping! 🙂

  • Reply Melinda McCray September 6, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I didn’t join in on the faith jam this week because I just wasn’t feeling it. I have an infection from an abscessed tooth and have to wait to have dental surgery on Monday. So I have been down in the mouth literally. After reading your letter I thought it would be a good idea to write one to each of my loved ones. I don’t think I will share them on the blog, but I want my girls and my hubby to know that I love them. They know I want their room clean, the trash taken out, the quiet time I need, and my pet peeve of a dirty floor. But I want them to know that they know that they know they are loved and beautiful to me. I tell them, but there is just something about having a letter in hand that is a tangible, I can hold onto your love, blessing. Praying for you!

  • Reply Genevieve September 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Bonnie, happy anniversary! Mine is today, too. We are driving – just us two – up the North Shore of Lake Superior to where he proposed for a little vacation. It is 10 years for us, and almost two years of my PTSD now. Reliving our hippie-ness before so many painful things happened. I hope your day is beautiful and I am lifting you up right after clicking “publish”, dear friend.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray September 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      Wow, Genevieve! That is amazing! Have the bestest time. EVER. XO. Congrats to you too – what a love it is!

  • Reply Katie September 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Happy Anniversary!

    You both look AMAZING!

    I wrote a letter to my husband, also. Thank you Bonnie for the encouragement you provide. Continuing to pray for you.

  • Reply Jessica Olivares September 6, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Happy Anniversary Bonnie 🙂 !

    What a beautiful post, such a wonderful love story! It looks like you’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband! Congrats!

    It’s encouraging for us – single girls to believe again that God will answer our prayers!

    Your “Never Been Kissed” post is still one of my favorites, it’s starred in my inbox! Love your writing!

  • Reply sonya September 6, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    Oh, Bonnie…your words give me hope that it’s actually possible to have that kind of love someday. I’ve been searching for a long time and just want to give up. I told a friend yesterday…that I believe in happy endings (about love) but just wasn’t sure that I believed it for me. Thank you for your words.

  • Reply Bonnie Jean September 6, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    Wish my love story was like yours… I have had a life like a soap opera… full of abuse, domestic violence, manipulation and control. Now I am married… again… but I feel so very all alone as I am saved and my spouse is not. My life gets lonelier every day. I am caught “in the middle”… I am neither here nor there so to speak. Please pray for me. I am happy for you. I suffer from PTSD and panic attacks from the severity of some of the violence in my life. My spouse does not understand and does not listen. He just ignores me and thinks I should just “get over it.” Oh how I wish I could !!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply tinuviel September 6, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    Such a beautiful letter! Happy, happy anniversary! May the Lord grant you many more years of friendship, love, listening, and healing together. May He give you the anniversary gift tonight of peaceful, restful sleep without panic or disturbing dreams. May His name be hallowed in your home for all your days.

  • Reply Sharon O September 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    You are so adorable, and your letter is so touching.
    Press into your love for each other and be sure nothing changes that love.
    Ask questions from others along the way as to how to do this journey, we who have gone before you can give advise and listen and encourage.
    It is worth the hard work.
    Pray always, with each other and for each other.
    from a reader who has been married almost 39 years.

  • Reply Caroline September 7, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    What love. Such a beautiful letter, Bonnie. Thank you for sharing it with us. I love looking back at my marriage and seeing how active God’s been in it throughout.

  • Reply Debbie September 9, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    What a beautiful letter you wrote to your man Bonnie. He sounds like the perfect one for you. How good it is to read that he is right there with you as you go through your PTSD. That’s a special guy. But he’s got a wonderful wife in you. Even though I’ve not met you in person, I have grown to love you as a friend through your writings. I pray for you as you go through this latest challenge. But with God you will get through and I can’t wait to read your book once it’s published!

    Blessings and love,
    Debbie

  • Reply Leslie Moon September 12, 2012 at 6:02 am

    Bonnie for all you do / the love you pour out here – you are appreciated

    I have nominated you for One Lovely Blog Award
    Please come to my blog to receive the award
    please do not feel obligated to pass this award on – this is a thank you to you

  • Reply Miriam September 20, 2012 at 4:57 am

    “Thank you for being the safe place for me to hide when I feel like giving up.”

    What a gift; to know that there is someone who is a safe place for you.
    What a beautiful letter. May God continue to bind you two together with His love.

    Bonnie, you are a gift to the body of Christ.

  • Reply Hazel Moon October 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    You have been so blessed to have an understanding husband who seems to know your thoughts and fears and be able to kiss them away in love. His sweet words do comfort a troubled heart and bring the confidence that you need right there at that moment.

  • Reply barbara fortin October 25, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    It was the same for me, I married my Beloved 29 years ago, when I was 33. Yes there have been many ups and downs but I know I am still his Bride and Mine Abba holds us.
    A couple f years w renewed out wedding vows complete with the’I , did, I do and I wll continue to Love you!’ We write note to each other al the time, go our for coff several times a week. We worship together our God. Our love still stds before and blessed by God.

  • Reply Robin in New Jersey December 29, 2012 at 10:53 am

    I clicked over here from incourage this morning and keep coming back to read more.

    You are very blessed to have such a loving husband. After 30 years of marriage my husband and I are not living together while he takes care of some personal issues. It is heartbreaking. Reading your story makes me long to be with him, but I can’t. It also leaves me sitting here sobbing. Lord, why couldn’t my husband love me the way Christ loves the church?
    It sounds like that is exactly what your husband is doing. What a testimony!

    When we tale those vows, we don’t really think about the bad times, do we? We say in sickness and in HEALTH, for RICHER or poorer, in GOOD times and bad times, etc…And then reality hits and we are faced with remembering that we made a vow before GOD and are we going to honor that vow?

    Prayers for you as you battle this, may Christ’s grace bless you today.

  • Reply What Is Your One Word for 2013? Beloved | Faith Barista January 10, 2013 at 3:34 am

    […] my sweet husband.  He never signed up for this when he married me.  I don’t think I would’ve even […]

  • Reply Silver January 15, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Dear Bonnie
    I wondered whether I should still comment, so many months after this was so posted on your blog, but I just want to let you know that what you have written is like rain on a dry,weary heart who, after years of watching my parent’s unhappy marriage, wondered whether there is still such a thing called true love. thanks for continuing to write through your difficult journey.

  • Reply When Clutter Isn’t Just About Your House, But Your Heart | Faith Barista January 24, 2013 at 2:09 am

    […] journey to love someone as they heal calls a husband to give everything in his power to take care of the woman he loves. […]

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