I didn’t want to call anyone or tell anyone what was happening.
The first person I saw after experiencing my first panic attack was my medical doctor. He wasn’t concerned at all.
He said my panic attacks was a typical case of situational stress.
He wrote it off as physical exhaustion combined with a pressing book deadline, a simple cocktail for wearing down my nervous system and my body.
The kids had been sick for a month, taking turns with the worst of the flu, with one becoming disconcertingly sick with symptoms of pneumonia.
Then, the strep virus struck.
We were falling like dominoes.
Hubby got sick.
Then, it was my turn. I had been up for weeks tending to feverished, grumpy-achy kids who couldn’t stay asleep. But, having survived the newborn months twice as a mom of two boys, sleep deprivation wasn’t something I hadn’t experienced.
Writing a book is very stressful. My doctor sighed. Especially as a mom.
Take a month off. Get some rest.
It will pass.
But, I didn’t believe it.
The doctor listened to my heart. It sounded fine.
The nurse took my blood pressure, measured my oxygen intake and confirmed my temperature was normal.
Everything checked out fine.
But, I knew I wasn’t.
And that scared me.
Because it’s really hard to know in your heart that something isn’t right, when everyone tells you that everything is alright.
Life Happens
I called my literary agent the next day. I left him a voicemail earlier in the morning, asking him to call me. We needed to talk.
To pass the time, I drove down to Anderson’s Cafe to order a strawberry pastry and a cup of black coffee.
I had eaten it in a fog, distracted by the weight of the phone call. I had only spoken to my agent once until then.
The last time we spoke was the first time we had met, over the phone, when we talked and I agreed to be represented by him. From that point on, we mainly exchanged emails with a few updates, doing business, contracts and such.
Now, it would be the second time we’d speak. And I’d be telling him I couldn’t finish the manuscript. Great.
I still remember how hot the paper cup of coffee felt in my hand, as I opened the car door with the other and my phone rang with that dinging AT&T ringtone.
It was the return call from my agent.
I had emailed him earlier in the morning, telling him we needed to talk.
I didn’t tell him I had panic attacks. I simply told him I needed to take care of my health. I had doctor orders to take a break and rest for a month.
He assured me, Life happens, Bonnie. Don’t worry.
We agreed to check back in with each other later down the line.
You’d think that with the pressure momentarily taken off me, I’d be able to finally rest and start to relax.
But, I couldn’t.
My Body Would Not Allow Me
I did everything I knew in my forty years of living to rest and recover.
Speaking in my voice — through the birth of my God-sized dream of a book — depended on my ability to rest.
To give me some relief, Hubby Eric got up with the kids during the night, woke up to do the breakfast routine and took them to school.
I took long quiet prayer-filled walks, hiking in the shelter of trees, dirt and sky, drank decaf and chamomile sweet with honey.
In the mornings and evenings, I revisited passages of scripture that moved mountains for me at critical junctures of my journey. I played hymns and praise songs on the piano, singing to God, re-read my journals, to recount all the beautiful words God had spoken into my life. I even began to do an inductive, exegetical study on Hebrews, one of my favorite books in the Bible and focused specifically on the words faith and rest. At night, I’d listen to some soothing music or meditations on scripture. I’d journal my thoughts.
But, none of it seemed to change anything.
The panic attacks grew stronger, more insistent. They always happened at night, when I had fallen asleep and wasn’t even conscious of worrying or thinking of anything negative.
I was jolted awake, choking, heart pounding. Every two-three hours. I could not stay asleep.
My body would not allow me to rest.
She Didn’t Know
By the end of the week, I began to experience a lump in my throat emerging, that would not go away. My chest seemed to be encased in an iron band and I couldn’t breathe deeply or freely. My heart would skip beats or it’d bang so loud, I’d hear my heart beat in my ears.
I’d cry and sob for no apparent reason. I simply felt overwhelmed by feelings of fear. I felt trapped. But, I didn’t know why.
How can the girl who used to run five miles every other day, love avocados, drinks eight glasses of water a day, snorts and laughs before she splurts out the first line of a joke — who didn’t flinch watching her knee get stitched and loves hosting people over for potluck and loves scheming to get them to play icebreaker games even more — be like this?
Now, I was really scared.
So, the Bonnie who always took care of everything and everyone made up a plan.
The engineer in me took over and I wrote up a list of things to do, to problem solve.
I made an appointment to see a pastoral counselor.
To tell her about my troubles.
I didn’t know what she would say. But, I had done enough hiding for many years earlier in my faith journey to learn that — although it feels safer — it never works.
I’ll have to tell you what happened next, the next time I feel prompted to write another chapter in this story again.
But, I want you to know my meeting with her made me more fearful, stressed out and anxious. She made my suffering an issue with my faith. With all my heart, I know she meant well. But, she didn’t understand — what I came to discover later — that what I was experiencing was post-traumatic stress PTSD, not a question of my trust in God. What she had to say to me that day made everything worse.
No Straight Lines
Although I hope you never have to walk along this turn on your journey of faith, I want confide in you, as one friend to another: the faith journey although safe and secure does not walk in a straight line.
Becoming the Beloved of Christ’s involves the pain of finding your voice — during times when others cannot hear it clearly or understand it fully.
Jesus understands this better than anyone else.
I’m sharing a piece of my story with you today, in hopes of encouraging you on your unique season of faith.
There may be times in your life where something that has never bothered you before very much, may be bothering you a lot right now.
It may not be going away.
It may be getting worse.
Inside you, where no one can see and no one knows.
Jesus understands and He knows with every fiber in His being how very complex the mysteries of your soul are.
And He loves us completely, for all the stories we’ve lived, survived and dream now and in the future.
Stopping To Investigate
The word Beloved is such a beautiful word.
I could have never imagined the journey to beauty — to truly experience and feel beloved — would be begin with so much pain and so much searching, especially having walked with Jesus all my life.
I had my own ideas of what it meant to be the Beloved — as someone chosen and blessed — that I did not recognize the journey of becoming the Beloved at first.
Because the first steps I took did not look or feel beautiful.
The first steps I’ve taken to live as the Beloved — and continue to take — calls me to stop and take steps to investigate.
- To step closer, even if seeing and listening brings you to your knees.This is what Moses did when he saw the burning bush.
- To travel further from the life you know, in order to go beyond your place of control, into the place of faith — where you are under the control of God’s timing and love.This is what Abraham did He looked up into the stars at night, to walk on roads he had never recognized.
- To step into the storm you’re facing because you see Jesus calling you into howling wind and the troubled waves –not because you are cursed or forgotten — but because you believe you are His.This is what Peter did when he walked to Jesus afraid and immediately felt Jesus’ arms carrying him back to safety.
Stopping to investigate is what Jesus did when He touched —
the eyes of a man who longed to see what he only dreamed of in darkness,
the heart of woman who couldn’t bear to ask for healing but only tugged at His robe,
the loneliness of the leper covered with sores who only had loneliness as his companion,
He’s touching me now, each time I reach out to Him to investigate.
No Matter
Jesus knows when things are not alright. He won’t silence us with easy answers. He chooses the harder path, to have his heart break with ours in the moment.
It takes courage to investigate. We can, with the comfort of Jesus through each other.
Let us pour out our words, even though they don’t feel beautiful.
Let us take our first steps to become the {Beloved}. Again and again.
No matter how small.
No matter how frail.
In Jesus’ arms, it doesn’t make any difference.
He is whispering to you and me —
You are Beloved.
You are mine.
‘”For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed;
but My kindness shall not depart from thee,
neither shall the covenant of My peace be removed”
saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.’
~ Isaiah 54:10
~~~~~
Is there something God has put on your heart to investigate — a question, a relationship, a dream, a passion or a pain?
How is Jesus calling you to become the Beloved more today?
Pull up a chair. What a beautiful and deeply rich time with you. Click to comment and read each other’s thoughts.
~~~~~
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*Today’s 1/17/13 Writing Prompt: “How is God calling you to be the Beloved?”
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43 Comments
All. For. Purpose., Bonnie. You can trust.
{hugs}
Rich blessings as He continues to show you that, yes, you are His beloved. He’s got this.
I just got married in December – after praying for 30 years to find Mr. Missing. My husband is a wonderful man who pursued me in such a way that the hurt of my broken love-past was so fully and beautifully redeemed. Our love story is one penned by God and we love it. I thought getting married would cure my long-deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy and insecurity but it seems to have just made both more pronounced. Ryan is so wonderful to reassure me…to be patient as I bumble {badly} through the journey of it all. These words you wrote today have been so comforting to me – giving me permission to not be the instantly perfect wife, encouraging me to push through to the root of why I feel this way – and most of all, to settle into enjoying this amazing journey He wrote for me. Thank you!!
Thanks for sharing the story, Bonnie. So many of us wear our Christian smiley faces and say “everything’s fine” because we think that’s what we’re supposed to do. Sometimes real stories break out into the open, and we find that we’re all broken people in the process of being made whole.
The counselor probably meant well. People have said things to me and they meant well, but it was damaging trust-wise. Their lack of understanding of the situation contributed to the damage. I even had someone tell me the Holy Spirit told her to share something with me. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Luckily, that private message came to me at a time when I was in the healing part of my journey. If I had received that too early, I would have begun crying.
“Jesus understands and He knows with every fiber in His being how very complex the mysteries of your soul are.” “Becoming the Beloved of Christ’s involves the pain of finding your voice — during times when others cannot hear it clearly or understand it fully.” It’s good to read your words voicing thoughts I’ve had struggling toward the freedom to be me and accept that I am beloved. I don’t always feel that way. There are voices that wound when they should heal. There are often misconceptions–‘people’ don’t understand because it’s new territory for them…But…God brushes across the words and ignorance and gives me strength to continue on. He never leaves me and keeps beckoning me to follow Him. Along the way, I meet others who need what I have found on my journey. Thanks for sharing what you have found—pieces of divine healing.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story, Bonnie. I completely understand how well-meaning people can say exactly the wrong thing. Questioning whether someone believes “enough” or trusts God “enough” should only be done … well, probably never.
Thanks, too, for hosting. I’ve missed these Thursdays.
My heart was aching for you as I read your words Bonnie. I wanted to come and sit with you over a cup of coffee and simply talk and listen.
But Jesus is the Only One who truly understands every fiber of our being. He was there with you during the pain in your childhood. Everything that impacted you impacted Him. I love the whole concept of becoming the Beloved because I never felt like the beloved. This has given me a new perspective and I appreciate that.
See even in your time of pain you are impacting others. The Lord is still using you for His purposes.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
[…] to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.My friend, Bonnie, is asking the question "How Is God Calling You to be The Beloved?" on her blog […]
“Beloved” can be broken down into two words, can’t it? “Be….loved”….most of us women seem to spend our lives seeking to “be…loved” by others. I have begun to realize how much energy I expend seeking approval and trying to make sense of all the times when I instead felt disapproval or indifference. I think, at least for me, that the process of remembering and looking directly at those times, while a necessary part of the healing from NOT “be[ing]….loved” has so often become the place where I am stuck. I get mired down in the replaying and rewinding that I end up reliving those hurtful patterns.
But in seeking to re-fuse (as in put-back-together) those words into one, “= beloved”, I refuse to continue to be drawn into the replaying and rewinding and reliving of the past. It takes effort to turn into, to fall forward, to choose to hear the voice of my Savior as he calls me to live in the present as His own “Beloved”.
My word for this year is “embrace”…(sadly, Bonnie, I searched for a Bible verse into which it’s been hidden, to no avail!). But I think that “embrace” is such a sister word to “Beloved”. Jesus holds out His arms, and this year, I choose to fall forward again and again to believe that I, too, am beloved, and to actively embrace who I am in Him and what He has planned for my life this year.
“Yay!” for first steps!!!
Bonnie, as you share your story, it is really helping me. I am on my own journey of seeking freedom from the effects of childhood trauma. I have been kind of agonizing over which path to take for that healing, and I keep coming back to allowing God to teach me who I am in Him, how He sees me. Pondering your Faith Jam prompts has led me to some amazing resources. He is really working through you:) I linked up, and I included a video in my post that really spoke to me: http://mandymianecki.com/2013/01/receive-my-beloved.html Thank you, Bonnie.
i too have experienced those “well meaning” comments of not having enough faith. comments and authors saying if I would just give it all to god i would not have all this pain. i have the pain because of trauma that someone caused to me. it is not there because of by my own hand. dealing with my own sin and the pain that comes with that is different than the pain of traumatic events. telling me to give it all to god is good and true but what is also good and true is for my brother and sister in Christ to weep with me and laugh with me, encourage me, support me and forbear with me and at times take on my own burdens when i am too week. what is the point of having earthly relationships if i am only to give it to god. another point is this; during my younger years i had no idea how to give it to god or how to walk through the trauma and so i would ignore the pain and hurt and this would cause me to be numb in my heart. that does not work either. i was designed to experience these emotions. those emotions help me to manage the crisis, turn to god and turn to my church family. when you don’t deal with your god given emotions of hurt and pain caused by a trauma and you numb yourself, you can’t really grow so well.. the numbness is really death of the soul and of the spirit. the numbness is like a prison. you are in the process of coming out of your prison Bonnie. Your emotions will come out now or they will come out in 20 years. but one way or another they must come out. Because they come out at a later time and one is finally dealing with it, it does not mean you don’t have faith. it means you do have faith. it means that i have the faith to believe that it is ok to have these feelings, that i have faith to trust god while i am dealing with it. it means that i am reaching out with courage only to be told further well meaning lies which would cause one to retreat back into the numbness. i have experienced what you are talking about Bonnie and i encourage you, that you do have faith, courage and trust in god while you do this.
many churches do not understand this level of god in their walk, but i encourage you that you are on the right path and i encourage you to go through this process and walk through the pain and experience it. go through your process of grief. ask god your questions and do your research. he is kind to us forever
and will never leave us or forsake, even if HIS own church family does. it is a harsh reality. For example, i went to my church and asked them if they could speak to my husband and i over his drug addiction. the one sentence advice i was given was this…. take the log out of your own eye. there are more stories about counseling with churches, but i will spare you. please Bonnie you have the spirit, and from what i can tell, you are following the spirit. keep knocking, the door will open. you do have faith. it takes faith to knock. it takes courage to knock. it takes perseverance to knock. you are doing all these things my sister. i do know what you are going through with the church counseling. although they are our sisters and brothers in Christ, they are sincerely wrong. trust what the spirit is showing you during this crazy time of unraveling the mess. it is worth it. god will show you. you are his beautiful creation. he put those emotions there to bring you to him Bonnie and that is what you are doing. i support and stand by your process. your sister in Christ. you must get the answers on your own, because very little comes from church counsel in my experience Bonnie. god made up for that lack in my life by giving me those answers through my own studies. he provided for me and he will provide that for you. i am sorry for your experience with the church Bonnie.
Janet, what an awesome post! You have words of such profound wisdom and I agree with you completely, from my own experience.
The becoming ‘un-numbed bit’ is the time when a person is called to walk out their faith literally moment by moment, trusting Jesus that the madness, pain and swamping with unknowable emotions, is part of His healing plan, even if its taking years and years. As you say, most people in church, who are ‘in charge of their faith’ so to speak, don’t understand the almost impossible courage it takes to actually allow Christ Himself to be truly in charge of His work in us, at such a fundamental level.
Jesus is The Way and The Truth and The Life, therefore to be in true relationship with Him Himself, means allowing Him the freedom to lead us individually through and out of ALL self-deceit and dependence on the flesh. Truth cannot live alongside deceit within our parts.
Society and therefore the church as well, survives because we have all learnt how to hide our true feelings/selves, not only from each other, but from ourselves as well. Only faith in Jesus gives us the courage to go through the process of reclaiming.
However, I think it unfair not to flag up what an exceptionally dangerous journey this can be, as the (well-meaning!!) world and the devil fight against our resurrection and our flesh tries every deceit to stop us ‘putting it to death’.
Wendy
i like the way you explained walking out our faith and how christ is in charge of his work in us. those statements help me bring the mess better into perspective and of course brings me such hope and peace because it is coming from christ. putting words into such messes that our enemy creates and we particiapte in is often difficult to do. your statements were very helpful. thank you for explaining that so well. i love it. thanks. it is truly a battle and Miss bonnie you have courage. keep looking ahead my sister. you are courageous even though it may not feel that way. (miss bonnie, i would cry for no reason also… it is part of the process and god will give you insight eventually into that too, when the time is just right Miss Bonnie. you are on the right path because you are looking to HIM) trust that and trust him. you are still trusting even though you may feel scared. it’s ok…
I too have traumatic memories to deal with. The only way to even start is one small piece at a time. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my Mother. Thus I became a perfectionist. Because if it wasn’t perfect, you were thrown away. Grace is the word God gave me last year and He has kept me here again this year. Learning to accept His Grace. Learning to give myself Grace. Learning the extent of His Grace is bigger than I can comprehend right now…. but this is my journey.
Praying for you as you continue this journey of discovering you are beloved.
I think part of the reason God is taking you through this via the internet is so that I could walk with you. I have felt like I was living in the “archaelogical dig” that I call my life… wandering around in a life filled with fear, trash, treasure, PTSD and panic attacks. No one truly understands. I have been going to a counselor for ten years. Intellectually I understand some things about myself and my life and what I need to forgive… to stay away from… to do and not to do… but… I am STUCK here. She is Jewish and appreciates my faith… but I cannot always talk freely with her. The two Christian counselors I have gone to “hit” on me if you know what I mean… like I needed that ! God keeps telling me that what I need to do is “Be still and know that I am God.” And I believe that healing will come in His time… but you are a part of that I think. Keep writing.
[…] with the Faith Jam. Visit Bonnie’s site to meet up with faith bloggers writing about being […]
Your journey of faith is an encouragement. We need each other–we need to hold each other up. My daughter has fibromyalgia. I have a little insight into the impact on everyday life. Praying for your healing–an perhaps you can pray for my Julia.
Thank you so much for your healing words-Liz
Hello Bonnie,
This journey for you has been a very hard one, but I don’t have to tell you that. I’ve reread your post several times, because I can identify with it in certain ways. I sometimes feel lost and rejected. I’m not like the others and I don’t know why. I stopped going to church because I was tired of being invisible and no one talking to me. Yes, I volunteered for things but no one ever called me. I had a few people come up to me for a moment and ask me if I was new. I wasn’t. In fact, when I thought about it later and counted the months I had been in this church for almost two years. It wasn’t a mega church. Maybe 60 people during this one particular worship service.
So I tried to reach out, in some small ways, and wrote to the pastor. What did I get in return? This is what I got: “What about me? What about my problems? No one asks me about my problems.” Yeah that was the pastor speaking. I stared at the words on my computer screen in disbelief. I never went back.
So I’ve been adrift at sea. I didn’t join RL because I feel like I don’t fit in. I don’t have a webcam, either.
I don’t know what God is doing with me. But if I think anyone would understand, it would be you.
I totally sympathize with you when a counselor says the wrong thing, because they don’t really know or understand.
So this is what God might be doing. He is sending my ex out here from Florida, who I have been friends with for many years. My ex who says he will take me to a different church and stand by me. Maybe that’s what I need. Someone to stand by me. And maybe that’s because that’s what Jesus has been doing all along.
I will pray for you, Bonnie. And much love to you.
Also Bonnie, this is going to take time to get through so you can see all the wonderful ways that Jesus loves you. If He just healed you in the blink of an eye, you might have missed out on all His wooing. In the midst of your pain, there is that…His love, His tenderness for you. He’s the one standing with a bouquet of flowers in His hand for you.
That is beautiful, Christine. Your words spoke to me, too. Thank you.
I am investigating my relationship with my two grown children who have been estranged from me since the end of 2003. It is ( and will be ) painful but a “Mother’s heart” can never forget the love . Your writings are so inspiring and insightful. I need to be reminded of His GREAT love for us at this point in my journey. Your one words are just the balm I ‘ve needed to hear. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Welcome back and the Lord bless you and your family today and in the days ahead.
I totally get it Bonnie! I remember the day I looked at the word Beloved and read Be Loved. I have learned this past year how to allow myself to be loved…by God, my husband and others. It too was such a painful journey for me. But God was so good to carry me through those days when I just couldn’t carry on. Now I really know what it means that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Blessings on your journey to healing sister!
Bonnie,
I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for everything that you are going through….but also how incredibly BRAVE you are for dealing with it with so much patience and for writing about it! You are truly a wonder and an inspiration for us all! THANK YOU so much for continuing to write on Faith Barista and for doing that in spite of the difficulties you’re having with writing–I absolutely love all your writing and your site, and am so grateful that you are taking the leap of faith to keep writing! And I love your word for 2013–Beloved is the perfect theme! Thank you and many prayers and best wishes!
My one word for this new year is “Ask.” This thrills me and scares me all at the same time. Such a simple word, really. Yet, it gets so complicated (sigh). How is God asking me to be the beloved? Trusting His love for me. Taking those baby steps that require me to open my mouth, put it out there, and ask…for what I need, for what I want. It is so tied in to my being His daughter and He being my Dad.
This was amazing! Thank you for sharing this may God bless you!
Thanks Bonnie. I know you are continuing to help and encourage others that are going throught what you are going through, even now as you still go through these hard times! That is God in you – giving you the strength! 🙂
Praying for you!
Susan G.
I’m praying with you Susan
Oh Bonnie, you know we share the same struggle. I thank God we have Him and uses others to speak life into us. Your words assure me I’m not alone and that I can face this with Him…emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually…I’m not alone. Oh how He loves me.
I wait for the day the exhaustion and illness will be gone. But more than anything, I sit with Him and am grateful for all He’s doing in me through it. It sucks! But, there’s something in me that keeps saying, “Girl, it’s so worth it!”
Thank you for these life words Bonnie. I love you friend. XOXO
Maybe a first step becoming the beloved means we just have to be–and be loved. Sometimes that’s a hard thing to believe.
You are so brave and beautiful. And I love you big.
As God has brought you to it, so shall He bring you through it. And you will emerge a stronger, more powerful advocate for Him and His works. Already your words are touching and empowering untold lives around the world. Don’t try to look ahead and try to predict how it will unfold. Live fully in each moment knowing He has a plan for you.
I so believe every word you said because I walked it too. The flashbacks, the visions, the unfamiliar feelings of grief without a cause. YES it is real and YES it takes time and YES God can heal but it takes a slow process of recovery and every one is different. KEEP writing and sharing and telling your story others need to hear it.
Dear Bonnie, there’s so much here! My post is short and it’s rather chipper, yet I feel deeply what you are saying. I pray too that you will be given grace and strength to continue, and I thought of Moses, when I was praying about you. Your gift to me is in leading this group of writers, almost a free writing session, where you name a topic a week ahead, and then a day ahead send us a reminder with ideas. It’s so wonderful. If you need to lay low, can you ask someone to come up with the topic and write the reminder? Sort of like Aaron and Hur holding up Moses’ arms? Not that we are all Joshua’s army, but in a sense we are.
Do you know the Rich Mullins song, Screen Door? It has a line about faith taking two strong arms, to hold on tight. I keep singing that to you in my heart.
God bless you Bonnie.
[…] I’m joining Bonnie Gray’s Faith Jam Thursdays at Faith Barista on the topic “beloved.” At first when I read that word, I wasn’t sure it had […]
oo Bonnie I love your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable and share with us. Yes life certainly can beat us down at time.
you wrote “I didn’t know what she would say. But, I had done enough hiding for many years earlier in my faith journey to learn that — although it feels safer — it never works.” that is one statement that stopped me as I read, to ponder.
Beloved – what a beautiful reminder and term. It is one of my breath prayers. Henri Nouwen has a great beloved prayer. First you lift God up as the Beloved, then allow yourself to rest in His arm as His beloved, then lift others around you as the beloved.
praying for you, Bonnie!
Grieving for the pain of your story and grabbing hold of these words tonight: “To step into the storm you’re facing…not because you are cursed or forgotten — but because you believe you are His.” Maybe this is really the heart of living as the Beloved? Believing it through and through that no matter the storm or the ache or the suffocating loss–we are not cursed or forgotten. We are loved, held, cherished, carried, wanted. It is pure grace to share a bit of the journey with you and others here, all of us seeking to find our truest identify in God as His Beloved. May you feel Him especially near tonight.
Each time I receive your blog in my in-box, I read immediately! I too have had anxiety and panic attacks arise from (seemingly) nowhere. And I can relate to needing rest and sleep to heal, but not being able to do so. And to the judgements from others that my faith isn’t strong enough. How encouraging to hear from you that it isn’t a matter of faith (for I have judged myself)!
For me, it is a matter of my interpretations of past experiences that led to this. I’m slowly learning to capture these thoughts and feelings and remind myself that my value, love, joy and peace won’t be found in people or circumstances. But only in Christ will I find all I’m seeking. (God is so good to be patient with me and give me these years to heal.)
I am sorry that you are going through this pain, but I am encouraged by what you share and to know I am not alone. Thank you.
“living as the beloved”
That can be a foreign concept to us so often. Yet it’s a reality he wants us to walk in daily. I’m so proud of you, Bonnie, for taking each step you do. We’re all on the journey together. I appreciate you stepping back into community when you can. No pressure to. Know we love you whether you’re speaking here or are silent. Live as the beloved.
Hi,
GOOD for you for listening to your heart.
For a year, I walked around feeling tired, barely able to walk & getting Dizzy spells.
Finally, DEMANDED that my Dr send me to a Cardiologist.
ALWAYS GET A SECOND (& THIRD) OPINION!
Cardiologist told me that “I was a walking Stroke”
HE sent me to a Specialist.
You see, I had by-pass Surgery, 12 years ago & with that sometimes the Heart develops “A-flutter”
My Primary was treating me for “AFIB” with meds & it was not working!
Had this procedure done yesterday & today feel 80% better.
A woman ALWAYS knows her body BETTER than the Doctors do.
PLEASE KEEP LOOKING FOR THAT DOCTOR, IT’S WORTH IT!!
My prayers are with you.
GOD BLESS,
KAY
This is beautiful. I know this journey well, I deal with panic disorder on a daily basis. Thankfully God has led me to a Godly doctor who has figured out medication that is allowing me to function again. It’s hard for people to understand who have never had a panic attack. Especially as you were talking about, waking in the middle of the night when you are unaware of being anxious. That is when most of mine happen. In fact, I don’t “feel” anxious most of the time, so my disorder confuses me. Thanks you for this encouragement. My name means “beloved”, and this genuinely spoke to me. I blog about my journey alot if you ever want to read a fellow soujourner’s story (http://www.piecesofamy.net/p/the-last-box-was-unpacked.html)
Blessings!
Amy
Hi Bonnie – Its been a while. Its important to share these “reality” episodes of life, because we’re all in it. This is probably the most normal, healthy, common, reality-based response one can have to the pace and pressures of life, and learning how to handle it. Faith is not a joy-ride of ecstasy and praise. Faith is the substance and guts of slogging though every day without feeling a thing, spiritually, and still accepting the promise. Thanks for sharing your personal journey.