I just won’t write.
That’s what I told my therapist Dr. P a month ago.
It wasn’t the first time I made this declaration.
I just wanted all the panic attacks, flashbacks, sleepless nights and pain-in-my muscles from re-living traumatic experiences to go away.
If writing is what triggered Pandora’s box of memories and these completely overwhelming feelings of distress, then the most logical thing to do is to stop writing.
Perfect. It’s decided. I told myself.
What difference does it make if I shut down the blog and just said goodbye?
In the big picture, it won’t really matter whether I ever write a single word again.
I didn’t start blogging until three years ago anyhow.
I’m not published in print. I had just one radio interview for an article I wrote once. I think I blabbed on too long. It never aired.
I’ll just be a blip on the radar. The people who’ve read my blog will just sigh and say, “What happened to Bonnie? Oh, well. Too bad.”
Writing was good when it once brought me joy, when it came easy and it flowed.
Now, it’s too hard. Too painful.
But, the truth of the matter is.
I’d give anything to avoid being the post-traumatic-stress PTS girl.
I’ve been willing to be —
the kid who came from a divorced family,
the missionary who traveled halfway around the world to share the Gospel, who got burned by the wrong people with bad motives,
the dutiful child in a dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship,
the 30-something single gal who could not fall in love.
Yet, here I was, about to finish the manuscript to my first book, married blissfully happy, with two gorgeous kids — and it’s now God decides to spring post-traumatic stress PTS on me.
Really, God. Now?
Now?
Why couldn’t you have waited three months later — after I turned in my book to the publisher? I could’ve made my original deadline.
Why not bring me through this half a year earlier — before I signed on the dotted line of my contract — and told everyone about it?
Wouldn’t it have been way easier to work through this when I was single, before I became a mom with laundry to battle, groceries to buy, and two boys who need to be tickled, loved, taught, washed and put to bed?
And my sweet husband. He never signed up for this when he married me. I don’t think I would’ve even allowed him to put a ring on my finger, if I even had an inkling. Less people impacted by this, the better.
Why?
I choke out this cry through a flashback in my therapy session. I don’t want this.
I can’t go back and change anything anyways. Why are you showing me this now? Why make me suffer twice in one lifetime?
I can’t help but ask why.
Even though I know all the Sunday School answers.
So, when the time came for the year to draw to an end, I wondered what in the world would God tell me is my One Word for 2013.
One Word
We had arrived at the end of my session.
Dr. P, my Christian therapist who is an world-leading expert in treating post-traumatic stress, tells me. Ask Jesus. What does He think?
It doesn’t make sense. I tell Dr. P.
I shake my head and say it again. It doesn’t make sense.
In the past few weeks, the one phrase I hear, whenever I am still — when my heart is gripped in pounding alert, overwhelmed by the sadness or overcome by anxiety and fear — I hear this:
“You are my beloved —
My daughter —
in whom I am well pleased.”
Every time my body becomes flushed with hot flashes, engulfing the bed where I seek rest — even when I walk in the beauty of morning prayer — I feel the surge of emotions push up from my chest. And I cry.
Then I hear the one word.
Beloved… My beloved.
This is disorienting. The only two times the Heavenly Father is recorded speaking to Jesus in the Gospels are these very words. Why would God say this to me — now?
Beloved
Is God calling you to something that feels too hard?
Are you struggling to understand how to walk the everyday, while holding a world of dreams in one hand and the reality of circumstances in the other?
Is there something you desire or fear that is so painful, you don’t know if you should hold on tighter or let it go entirely?
You may be tempted to think, as I have.
I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid the hardness the journey — even if it means denying myself the permission —
to feel,
to dream,
or to grieve.
If you are desperate for a timetable, yet afraid of what it might mean — listen to this one word as Jesus whispers it to you tenderly.
Beloved.
This is what I am choosing to hear, as I write to you in the dark, with Jesus holding my hand.
I am asking for the courage to trust there are no mistakes in His timing.
I’m choosing to embrace this very chapter He has allowed to take shape in my story today.
I will not turn away.
Who I Am
You can try to stop writing. Dr. P offers.
But, I don’t think you can.
When you write, you are at home with Jesus. You in Jesus. Jesus in you.
I’ve been thinking.
Maybe PTS isn’t who I really am.
Maybe it’s just what I’m walking through.
Maybe “Beloved” is who I am.
This is why I am still writing, even though it hurts my heart and body each line I attempt.
I choose to be obedient. To follow my heart’s homecoming.
I choose to write as the Beloved.
Even if it means writing broken.
As I am.
~~~~~
What is your One Word for 2013?
Pull up a chair. I love hearing you share. Click to comment.
~~~~~
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*Today’s 1/10/13 Writing Prompt: “What is your One Word for 2013?”
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67 Comments
“I choose to write as the Beloved. Even if it means writing broken.”
Amen to this Bonnie. Broken is when God does His best work in us. All to often we get in the way. But when we are broken, He can take what is broken and make something beautiful out of it. His Beloved.
Oh Bonnie, I love that word for you. I continue to pray for you.
As I look back at my own life, I see times when God was prompting me to do something. And I got scared. But He is relentless and for that I am so thankful. He didn’t let me go and continues to draw me in His direction for my life. This year I am choosing to surrender my agenda to be open to His. My one word for 2013 is …surrender.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
I loved reading about your One Word for 2013, Debbie. It touches and encourages me to hear how you’ve walked the path of surrender in the past — to become the Beloved through those journeys — and allow Him to lead you to surrender anew today to His voice and direction, in all things again.
“Beloved” is a great word. I haven’t picked a word for this year and I don’t know if I will. I am still not ready for a new year to begin. Everything I was looking forward to at the end of the old year and the beginning of the new went a bit crazy. I guess I’m still trying to figure out where to go from this place I never expected to find myself in.
Dear Bonnie, I am so glad and delighted to see your words on the screen again. I pray that your heart continues to heal and you write as you can.
Kristine, I love hearing your voice this morning. As you share your words,we are friends confiding. There is much comfort & love. So good to share our heart’s homecoming journey, to become the Beloved, deep where we are tender & bare.
Trust is my word for 2013. Like you, I know all the Sunday School answers but still feel inadequate and weak in my faith. I believe, but have trouble with trust. How can I have trusted in Jesus for my salvation but not for control of my life.
How beautiful your one word is, Barb — as it reflects a deep longing for Jesus. He hears your prayer and sees your faith. Thank you for sharing.
Bonnie I will link in later when I have chance, with my one thing. I just wanted to pop in and say you would be missed and I love you friend. I do get it. I have the same issues just different circumstances. I stop writing and then go back because it is part of who I am and how I was created. Keep it up. Writing things helped and triggered things for me as well. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. I so wish I was there in real life to give you a hug instead of just telling you this with words over the internet. I have walked this path and continue to do so. My one thing — Letting Go. I will write on my blog more later.
Katie, believe me when I say, you are really here, where the blessing of a friend for this unexpected journey is felt. I am remembering you too. It’s so special to have you share your one thing, because it’s your voice speaking right where you’re at. Love you!
Part of the reason your writing is so beautiful, and so relatable is because there’s brokenness behind it and we all can relate to that! Beloved is the perfect word for you! Your writing is loved by me.
My word is “rest”. Don’t struggle, don’t try to do it myself. Just rest and see what the Lord is doing. I’m His — the battle is His.
Thank you so much for sharing, Bonnie. You have a rare gift of touching deep into hearts with words and your journey in healing brings healing to us.
Thank you.
Aw. Cathy. Thank you! {smiling as I exhale} I love your one word “rest”. How it whispers and sings with longing invitation. Thanks for sharing.
Bonnie……thank you so much for your words, openness & being true to yourself, therefore, being truthful with us (friends who you havent met)…….Our LORD has used you to touch me and I Thank HIM everytime you write that I found your sight……The word I have for this year is “Trust”…….The HOLY SPIRIT made it pretty clear what I would be experiencing with HIM this year……so I do feel Blessed that I will be going on a Trust journey this year……How Blessed are you to go on a Beloved journey this year……I pray your heart be touched more & more and may you continue to Receive the True Love that only Our SAVIOR can give…..
Thank you so much, Michele! May you feel the encouragement in your heart that you give so beautifully.
Beloved Bonnie, you are! You are!
I am so very glad the Holy Spirit is whispering to you the words the Father blessed the Son with on two occasions.
Not heresy.
God given truth to apply, live on, as you so need it he lovingly gives!
You wouldn’t have chosen to walk through this in community but God chose it for you because it is a blessing to you and to the community too, to your boys and your husband, and us, to walk through God’s hard path to deep blessing, pulling us out of this mire as we love and yearn with you.
My one word is dependently. I think it’s related!
I’ll post about it soon now.
Hey, friend! I am curiously encouraged about your word “dependently”. 😉 Thank you Jesus for placing this on Beth’s heart.
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My word for this year is HOPE. I was inspired to comment because your word is BELOVED. The past four years, my word for the year has been covered in the word “Beloved”. My life-long, best friend calls me “Beloved Becky” to remind me that I am! Grace. Peace. Now Hope. I desperately need it.
So beautiful, Beloved Becky! Thank you for sharing. May Jesus water your seeds of faith expressed here.
Bonnie, I write as honestly as you. Over many years, I have finally become so deeply cynical and disillusioned with people who call themselves Christians , that I have stopped going to church. So much that is said and done in the name of Jesus/the church, is so superficial and about behaviour and appearance only. The pressure to conform to external Christian behavioural expectations and to be seen always ‘doing and saying the right thing’ is virtually impossible to withstand. Even writing this comment, I feel guilty about ‘telling it like it is’. But I have seen so many Christians appropriating God’s righteousness, but use it to wallpaper over their flesh, such that they end up avoiding their pain by projecting it out on to others, whilst using God’s word to justify their destructive behaviour. Your walking out of your own pain so publicly is therefore such an inspiration and I am walking along with you. I too have PTS, have depended upon my writing since I was 16 and have been blessed in the last five years, with an exceptional Christian psychotherapist, whose love in Christ and skill has changed my life. Your writing blows a soft wind, on the glowing ember of my faith in other Christians. My word for 2013, is “fulfilment”.
Wendy – I had a very similar experience at my own church and finally made the difficult decision to stop going. More a follower than a leader, I could feel myself changing in ways that I didn’t like and didn’t want to allow to go further. While I do miss attending with my husband, I feel that until I/we find another church home I am better off taking this little break. Best wishes as you allow “fulfillment” to guide you this year.
Bonnie – thank you for sharing about your word, beloved–what a very personal word! I was pretty sure my word for 2013 was going to be “know” and then thought maybe “believe” seemed like a prettier word to be able to share with others. It didn’t even take a day of mulling over “believe” for it to be completely obvious that “know” was my word, pretty or not. Psalm 46:10 has been my favorite verse for years and years and, in my mind, there is a connotation of certainty that I feel with “know” that isn’t there with “believe.”
“Know” will be my companion this year as I usher to the curb the self-doubt that has crept into several areas of my life. Rebuilding confidence, feeling His ever-presence, being sure of His guidance: these are the things I want to “know” this year.
Dear Wendy, thank you for stepping out to share your One Word “know” and your story with us, as you are walking through it all. Jesus, may you bless the words of hope expressed here.
Wendy,
For the very reasons you stated, I often say, “Don’t judge Christ by Christians” [starting with my own family (of origin)]. As an adult, it has always been difficult for me to go to church because (1) I was forced to go so many times each week when growing up (gotta earn those all-important brownie points :-/ ), and (2) I fear I would be putting myself in the middle of a group of people who would just cause me more pain… people whose desire to LOOK good supersedes their desire to actually DO good, compelling me to fight even harder to avoid my nasty habit of ascribing the callous, insincere, uncaring, and hypocritical behavior of [some of] God’s people onto our loving, merciful God and His Son.
Today is one year after you left your comment; I hope you were able to experience your ‘one word’ – fulfillment – for, at least, part of that year.
Sweet Debi, thank you for taking the time to encourage Wendy. I just want you to know your words are soul-touching and lift up.Affirming, you know? Yes, I know you know, friend.
Dear Debi, the impact of your encouragement is profound. It feels like God has spoken directly through your kindness, to say ‘Yes, I see you Wendy. Yes, I know you Wendy and each of your experiences are precious to me. KNOW that I am here, for you’. As I say, the impact of your encouragement has been profound. Thank you so much for blessing me with such power.
Dear Bonnie,
Thank-you for continuing to write. I agree with the other comments; as you write through your struggle and brokenness you touch a deep place in each of us. We are all broken in different ways and need Jesus. Your word, beloved, is true.
Carol, now you’ve gone and touched my heart. You words do that. What a gift you give.
Thank you for your words Bonnie. They are a gift and I pray that God will contine to hold you close and reassure you that you are his Beloved and that even though this doesn’t make sense right now, his purpose is sure. My word for 2013 is “Love.” Praying he will show me how I can love Him, my neighbor/family and myself. He’s showing me that it is what is most important and it’s something I’ve struggled to do because of fear and not trusting. Sending you gentle hugs and Love.
Bonnie, Your word is so right!! At the beginning of your blog today, you referred to “the big picture”. That is exactly right because we look at things through our human viewpoint; but God looks at the big picture through His eyes. He does want you & each of us to know Him as His beloved. Why do we so often limit our understanding of who He is? This will be a good year, Beloved!
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Oh, Bonnie – I am so happy to see you back here, not only with your writing, but also with your linkup on Thursdays! I am praying that you will be able to continue with this each week! Thanks for working hard through your situation, and being willing to write, even though it is a difficult thing for you to do at times. And I will look forward to hearing from you here. I love your word “beloved” – such a beautiful word, and one that we all would be different if we lived it out. Every day.
Bonnie, thank you for continuing to share – even when it hurts. You, being humble, being honest and open, helps bring healing to my broken soul. God is using your pain in a mighty way. I keep you in prayer, that He give you strength, give you words, give you rest. I love your word for this year. A reminder that we are loved, precious, special to a Mighty Father.
My word for this year is SEEK. in my PTS, I have hidden myself, staying in the corner. So this year I will SEEK healing, SEEK peace, SEEK hope, SEEK truth . .well, there is so much to SEEK for me to find healing, but in all of the SEEKING, I will SEEK Him first, knowing only He can bring all the things I need to bring mending to this broken heart.
Thank you, Bonnie, for being real and open and scared and trusting all at once. I thank God for you, as you give so many the courage to be real and open in our own lives, with our own struggles and pain. My word is Faithful, and that simple word is penetrating into every part of my heart and spirit, challenging me to trust that God is faithful, to accept His forgiveness when I’m not faithful, to persevere in those things He has called me to in my relationships, my home, my finances, my church, and most of all, in Him. Be blessed, beloved one!
I love your realization and saying that “PTS is not who you really are.” I think that’s the hardest thing for us to see sometimes. I struggle with it so often! We are each drawn and distracted by different things or we go through certain hardships at maybe no fault of our own, but I can cling to the promise that it is no longer I who live, but Jesus lives in me. His love, life, joy, peace, and everything He purchased is there whether I feel it at a given moment or not. Great wisdom, Bonnie. Thank you.
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I’m so glad your back!!!
I pray you continue to keep writing through the pain, there is healing in it, and God is with you!
Love you!
I read your other post earlier this month when you announced you’d be revealing your word today. That night I really needed to read what you had wrote. I was overwhelming myself over and over again like I had the last several years over a single issue. When I went downstairs to let the dog out afterwards I prayed a single short prayer asking what MY word was. It was immediately LOUD and clear: “Let it go”. So my one word will be 3 small words, and I will repeat them to myself daily whenever I feel I need them. It’s been helping me tremendously already and I’m excited to be on my way to new and better things! Thanks for everything you do! Lots of love! <3
Thank you Bonnie for being so honest and obedient in your struggles. Because I sense such a sweet, humble spirit from you, I feel encouraged to share my thoughts. Because of your humility reaching outward, I step forward with my hidden self and feel safe to share. My one word is FORWARD. Just like Lot’s wife that was told not to look back, but when she disobeyed and looked back at her past, she turned into stone. I have a tendency to look back at my past. Past failures, past regrets. I need to look forward, Keeping my eyes on the prize of the upward call of Christ Jesus. Then I will live in victory, not defeat.
Bonnie,
I have only found your blog recently, but what a blessing it is. I have read your beautiful posts through my tears more often than not. God is doing crazy good work in you.
This year, my word is courage. Oh how I need it, oh how afraid I am to accept it. Because God is calling me to a place so far out of my comfort zone and expectations that I cannot begin to tell you.
The very definition of courage is the ability to do something that frightens you. Stepping out while you are still afraid.
More than ability, I am realizing that courage requires confidence. Am I willing to place my complete confidence in God? Will I step out, only seeing thin air, but trusting Him for a sure footing?
Thank you for all your encouragement, for being real, and for being an example of a courageous woman.
Welcome back, Bonnie. We’ve missed you.
I am one of many who are so grateful you are sharing your journey here. Some of what you write sounds like my own words. I identify. I am so grateful God guided me here. Bless you.
This is beautiful…not broken. The words are healing, and you are courageous to continue. Thank you so much! There are those who suffer as you who maybe cannot find the words to tell anyone. Thank you for writing this for them…and for me. God bless and heal you! My word is AMAZED. I am amazed how God reaches through the networks of this computer to bring words of hope and words that let me know I am not alone. Merci! 😀
I love to hear your heart in your writing and it’s good to see you back again. Beloved is who you are in God’s eyes, regardless of the time you are walking through. I don’t know if I’ll be writing this year or not, but I will definitely be here, checking in on you from time to time. 🙂
I really have missed Thursdays with you and our friends here , Bonnie!
I wrote my one word post on 12/31 but I went ahead and post it in the linky. My one word this year is actually “write.” God is speaking to me to using my gift of words that I’ve hoarded the past few years. Although, upon further pondering, I think I should have picked “dream.” But writing allows me to dream, so maybe that’s the key.
I just found your blog today through a tweet and I’m so glad I did. Your post really resonated with me and I look forward to reading more from you!
I have been slow to pick a word for the year, but today I am sensing that it may be “New”
I am opening my heart to something new that God would lead me to do.
Isaiah 43:19
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
Bonnie,
I’m so glad that you are back! You are courageous. I continue to lift you in prayer, my friend. The trials that we go through in this life (and they are so different for each of us) often times leave us battered and broken. It can be difficult to see through the valley of the shadow, but He does promise to never leave us. I hope you cling to that, as much as I do!
Beloved…yes, that word is just…perfect:)
Bonnie, I am so glad to see you writing again…I ache to see the pain you are living with, but your beautiful spirit shines through the darkest of times. My thoughts are with you. What a beautiful word to have as your focus for this year.
I fully understand what you mean by having the right Sunday School answers…
“Maybe PTS isn’t who I really am. Maybe it’s just what I’m walking through.
Maybe “Beloved” is who I am.” Oh, Bonnie. This brought tears to my eyes! Amen. Amen. Amen. I linked up, and my word for 2013 is freedom. I am committed to facing the grip that childhood sexual abuse has on me so I can live in freedom. It’s my God-sized dream–the one I am pursuing as I work on Holley’s Dream Team for her new book. Maybe vitim is not who I really am…Thank you, Bonnie.
Thank you, Bonnie. I just love you.
So thankful you are still writing, Bonnie. It encourages all of us other broken people.
My one word is persevere. I must continue even in the hard.
I enjoyed writing a new post for my 2013 word. This really helped me to put my life in perspective and think about why I do the things I do….why I worship. Thank you, Bonnie
http://prayernotesbycynthia.blogspot.com/2013/01/one-word-for-2013-joy.html
Dear Bonnie,
What a beautiful and comforting word to hear from the Lord: Beloved! He wraps His loving arms around you and protects you as He carries you through this time into His plans for you. He does mold us during these times–oh how I wish there was another way!
I wrote you an email but I think it was sent after your inbox closed. I will try to send it to you again. I went through very similar circumstances as you are going through many years ago in my walk with the Lord. Again, the Lord is refining me through circumstances and pain that I wish had never come my way. But now, I have a HOPE and I’m seeing my way back to “Surrender” as Debbie mentioned above.
Thank you so much for this prompt that the Lord is using to set me on His path for this new year.
Blessings and prayer,
Janis
I hear and feel God whisper this phrase to me every day since the holidays. “Pause and catch your breath, Jeri.” I thought my actual word was pause. But, He keeps tugging that it’s a phrase, a mantra. “Pause and catch your breath in each situation. Reflect on ‘it’ with me in prayer. Then, embrace my life words for you in ‘it’.”
Getting over being sick. I’ll be writing on it soon as I’m more recovered.
I love reading your story, Bonnie! I’m so pleased to see you writing through your pain. You are BELOVED!
I’ll share my word for 2013… PASSION. I’ll let you know what it will mean for me this year when I find out. For right now it is being revealed in terms of spiritual gifts so I’m very much looking forward to the unraveling of the new year.
My 2012 word was JOY… And last year I experienced unbridled joy for the first time in a long time. God is good—all the time!
(I will try one more time to comment, as my first two seem to have evaporated.) Welcome back, Bonnie! I appreciate what you’ve written. I wholeheartedly agree that PTS is something you’re going through; it’s not who you are.
Hi Bonnie — I am new here at Faith Barista, but do you know the reason I’ve chosen to stay? The reason I can’t help but pull up a chair and share a cup of warmth and hope? Because you are writing afraid. Yes. I am the broken one, too. The one who knows fear and shame and paralyzed words. Our stories are not the same. And yet, in so many ways, they are. I feel welcomed here. I feel like I belong here. Because you are writing broken. Thank you, for doing the bravest thing of all–saying yes to God when everything’s been stripped away.
And what He’s trying to tell you, about your identity in Him? Yes. Illness (physical, emotional, spiritual) has a way of telling us that our worth’s been taken. But God says no. He *knew* all of it from the beginning and He still said yes to us, still chose to love us. You *are* His Beloved. May you come to know that one thing in a deep, soul-healing way in the months to come.
Much grace to you on the hard road, Friend.
Bonnie, I am so so so glad you still write. You are brave for me, making me brave. I just started a new job as a Youth Development Coordinator. I’m way out of my league and terrified. I want to hide, pretend God is calling me to the safe life. Thank you for helping me be brave. Hugs from a million miles away! Praying for you, friend.
Reading through tears. Thank you for writing through the pain. This just blessed my heart. While reading I couldn’t help but think of this song by Lara Landon called “Beloved” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IhVQvVos3Q. You should check it out sometime. It’s gotten me through some really tough times.
Not sure what my word is for 2013. But a common thread thus far seems to be becoming. So maybe that’s my word, becoming.
Glad you’re still writing. We need what God’s given you to share. 🙂
My word for 2013 is RECEIVE. Both my husband and my daughter have very serious health issues that require a lot of support from me. My circumstances are often overwhelming, and it’s easy to wonder where God is in all of this. It struck me recently that my Father will give me all that I need, but it’s up to me to RECEIVE it. My desire for the coming year is that I would cultivate the habit of going to God when my heart is empty and my hands are full and RECEIVE his grace for each day’s needs.
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Praying that in the coming year God reminds you over and over again how loved you are by him! You are his! Celebrating the coming joy with you, Bonnie.
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Beloved was my word this past fall as I started through counseling and walked through the pain of my childhood. I have struggled with hating who I am and not believing that anyone could love me. For weeks, I listened on a daily basis to Jason Gray’s song “Remind Me Who I Am”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKyY8zfjBMQ
My favorite line is “If I’m your beloved, help me believe it.”
Your blog has been used numerous times over the past six months to help me not feel alone in this struggle. God has used your writing so many times to quiet my arguments or to encourage me to take the next step.
Instead of writing my thoughts and feelings, I paint and draw in my journal. It’s less soul bearing because I can hide my thoughts and feelings in the imagery. But coming into 2013 I have stopped painting. Stopped drawing. Stopped counseling. Unsure of where to go from here, but certain that I want this next year to be different. As you wrote: “I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid the hardness of the journey.” For me that means not allowing myself to feel.
Your post has made me wonder if this is a typical pause for those in the process of healing from trauma. Perhaps the process of healing is so difficult, sometimes we need to be able to hit pause and be renewed for the journey.
Thank you for sharing your journey. It gives hope to those of us who are on a similar path.
[…] As I called up my high school best friend Annette to come over and help me clean up, I never would have guessed an innocent project to get organized would unfurl some hard and beautiful flashes of what it means to be loved — along with the steps God led me to take — to live as the Beloved daughter of His. […]
[…] On the days we feel tired, when we feel lonely — in Jesus’ arms, we become the Beloved. […]
[…] Even when I told you I decided at the start of a new year, I wasn’t going to write any more. […]
[…] This one word surfaced during my year of panic attacks. […]