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When Easter Feels Overwhelming: Sometimes It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

By Bonnie Gray • March 29, 2013 • 22 Comments

“You see, there are two very different types of hope in this world.  One is hoping for something, and the other is hoping in Someone.” ~ Pete Wilson

How can we celebrate Easter when we are overwhelmed with everyday questions?

I didn’t see it coming.  I went to bed like I always had, ate dinner with my chopsticks and brushed my teeth just fine.

The next morning, I got dressed and drove into work as usual.  Logged into my account and started checking my emails.  I started typing.

Needles of pain shot through my wrists.  My fingers felt numb and tingly, like they’d fallen asleep.   Confused, I tried to mouse and click around.  My forearm started hurting even more.

My fingers refused to hit another keystroke.  

Two hours later, I found myself sitting in front of a doctor who specialized in treating work related injuries.

“You won’t be going back to work for a while.  You have RSI (Repetitive Stress Injury).  Might be carpel tunnel syndrome.  We won’t know yet, until you get some therapy.”

How long will I be out? I asked, thinking a day or two.

When it all was said and done, combining full and partial disability, my road to recovery took nearly three years.

Getting Better Or Getting Worse?

When I first started physical therapy, I was very optimistic.  I was determined to heal fast.  Take my meds, get my therapy, do my exercises and wear my wrist braces.

The problem was healing isn’t a linear process.

I was progressively hurting more week after week.  My pain extended to my upper arms, my shoulders, neck and even my back.  Was I just falling apart?

My physical therapist Tom educated me.

You’re actually getting better, even if it feels like you’re getting worse.

Tom drew a swirl of concentric circles on his note pad.

He said that healing is like peeling an onion.   He said that I had ignored the fatigue initially in my muscles so well, that it caused my body to compensate in other areas.

Pain, Tom explained, was a healthy indicator that my body was finally speaking to me.

My path to recovery was to swirl out first — to understand exactly how far my injury went.  Tom gently pointed out that as one muscle group got better, I would start feeling the pain in other areas that had been masked on top of the other.

I have found myself in the same condition for many Easters.

I wanted so badly to celebrate the joy of Easter Sunday resurrection, I ignored the layers of stress and unanswered questions from my everyday life.

The Saturday In-Between

Don’t get me wrong, I was filled with joy for Jesus on Easter Sunday, in praise and thankfulness for the sacrifice and love He poured out for me on Good Friday 2000 years ago.  I am always brought to tears meditating on the suffering our Lord endured emotionally, physically and spiritually by taking up the cross.  But, I was often heart heavy waiting to taste the power of resurrection in some difficult circumstances.

It seemed whenever I thought of Easter, I thought only of Easter Sunday — the celebration of resurrected life — or Good Friday — the death Christ suffered on the cross.  I never thought as pastor and author Pete Wilson points out in Plan B, of the Saturday In-Between:

“Saturday… It seems like a day when nothing is happening. It’s a day of questioning, doubting, wondering and definitely waiting…helplessness or hopelessness.

Is it possible that Saturday is actually a day of preparation?

… Saturday was the day God was engineering a resurrection.”

My One Thing

This year, I’m celebrating Easter Sunday with a lot of my story resurrected from my “Saturday” life.  Not in a way where everything has worked out. A lot of the questions I’ve been asking for a very long time haven’t been answered.

In fact, some of the problems I’ve asked God to solve haven’t gotten better.  But, I have learned one thing through my time in this extended season of waiting.

That one thing is this:  Jesus’ love continues to be one thing I can always say yes to.

In lieu of answers and resolution, I had to continually make a choice.  Do I let my pain and hurt shape my faith — or do I take my faith and run into the arms of Jesus?

This has been my greatest joy:  I have been able to choose love — because Love chose me.

I’ve been able to find when I couldn’t possibly wait any longer in dissonance and lack of closure — the love of Jesus continues to heal me, carry me and attract me to Him.  I can continue choosing to love God, love others, and pour myself out, even in weakness and imperfection.

All because Jesus loves me. Because of the cross.

~~~~~

I had given up hope of ever getting better.

Then I got up one day, not feeling any pain.  It left me, just as it came.  Suddenly.

It took me many years to get to that one morning.  I will always remember who got me through it. 

It wasn’t hope in recovery. It was hope in Jesus.

I don’t know how long our Saturdays will last, friends.

But one thing I do know, Jesus has walked that Saturday into eternity for us.

His love will never leave us and His love will get us through to our Easter Sundays.

He loves us all the way.

 

“The God of all grace,
who called you to his eternal glory in Christ
— after you have suffered a little while —
will himself restore you
and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
~ 1 Peter 5:10

~~~~~

How is Jesus speaking to you this Easter?

Pull up a chair. Click to share a comment. I’m wishing you a Happy Easter, friend.  And wishing I could enjoy a big hug together and we could talk and pray awhile in the quiet of this afternoon, as we step into Good Friday and journey to Easter Sunday together.  Together in Spirit, we’ll be standing fresh and tall — completely accepted and known — wrapped within the risen love of Jesus’ arms.  Just as we are.  I’m remembering the journey our Savior took 2,000 years ago carrying His cross, down Via Dolorosa, the way of pain, and how He is continue to walk the journey to carry our burdens on His shoulders for us today.  With much love and affection, Bonnie

~~~~~

 

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22 Comments

  • Reply Sonya March 29, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Bonnie,

    You have no idea that this is exactly how I feel today. I woke this morning (Good Friday) with an oppressive heaviness around me and have had a full own panic attact. It’s weird because I don’t know where it had come from. I have been off from work this sat week and have worked at quieting myself before God to seek His healing and some answers and I was just beginning to feel some sense of peace. And then today of all days I lose that peace. A day when I should be thankful for what Jesus did for me. As I sat in the dark closet (a place I go in panic) I could only cry and beg God to show Himself to me. I keep hearing the words from a song “open the eyes of my heart, Lord ” and I know because of these words there is yet much for me “to see” before healing will be complete. The “peeling of the onion” before I can get the answers I need.
    Thank you for your timely post, I will take this time in my “Saturday” to try and live in hopeful expectation of healing resurrection.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray March 29, 2013 at 9:38 am

      We are all there with you, Sonya, in one way or another, in our Saturdays In-Between. Dear friend, how precious it is, you can share your moment with us. Because you can know, we understand. You can rest into this weekend, as you are. Jesus is there and has no plans other than to stay and be with you, loving you completely as you are. Your heart is His home, no matter where you go, even if it may be a closet. He is still carrying you, close against his heart. You are still His and He is still yours. With love…

  • Reply Cheri Gregory March 29, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Bonnie —

    For those of us beaten down by “Just get over yourself” and “Are you still hanging on to that?” comments, this is SO beautifully expressed and illustrated.

    You say: “In lieu of answers and resolution, I had to continually make a choice. Do I let my pain and hurt shape my faith — or do I take my faith and run into the arms of Jesus?”

    Just this week, I reacted to someone in a way I immediately regretted. But instead of hiding in shame, I took it to Jesus and saw the damage I’d done. He gave me the courage to face it and then I knew what to do to repair it. I apologized, received forgiveness, and thanked the person I had wronged for being a gracious and safe person with whom to be broken. (She, in turn, was very grateful that I had not left her holding my “stuff” but had been honest with her.)

    God may lead some to quickly “get over it” and “just let go.” Others, He leads through hard but healing and restorative experiences.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray March 29, 2013 at 10:09 am

      Cheri, that took SO much courage to risk and be real. Because you never do know how the person will respond (I’m glad she turned out to be gracious and safe. whew. ;)) Thank *you* for sharing how God is leading you this week — right here!

  • Reply JennyBC March 29, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Reading this with tears in my eyes. This year has been, without a doubt, a hard road to walk. The day after Easter, last year, my father died and then began the long road of caring for my mother. That led to court to become her guardian as she wouldn’t care for herself. My mom and I are about as different as two people can be. But she is my mother and I have felt compelled by God to see that she is cared for. And I have had to walk the road alone most of the way as my siblings have simply walked away. I asked God thousands of times what He wants me learn through this and to be honest, why mom is still here. I have learned a lot, about God, about my mother, about myself. But I have also had a lot of silence from God. It pierces louder than any noise I can imagine. I have found myself having to trust God and His sovereignty even in His silence. I feel like I have been in the Saturday in between for a year.
    Just when I think I am in a rhythm of things and understanding more of God through all of this, He has also chosen this time to teach me about not being so independent and doing things in my own strength. We’ve battled this before and it is as if God said, “we are going to settle this once and for all.” It was two weeks of tears and panic and fighting with God only to give into His grace. Again, we’ve been in a good rhythm. Then just before I read this post another thing. We are trying to handle a business matter with honor and integrity and I once again feel all alone as if God does not know what is happening. Not that I don’t want to do the right thing (and it will cost is financially to do the right thing) but more why do we have to be dealing with others who don’t want to do the right thing.
    Living in the Saturday in between but desperately clinging to the Sunday that’s a coming.

  • Reply Lis March 29, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Thank you for this.

  • Reply Tara Lombard March 29, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Bonnie, thank you for the way you share what God is doing in your life. I always *connect* with Him through your words and gain fresh understanding and new ways to communicate with others who are hurting. You are a blessing-in-process, keeping it real even in the pain of recovery! Many, many blessings, precious sister in Christ!

  • Reply Katie March 29, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Oh the Saturday in between Friday and Sunday, the day of questions, doubts ,fears, hopeless… the list can go on during my own journey of recovery. I have been there so many times and often still am waiting for the resurrection. Found a new area of PTSD, anxiety, depression to deal with myself lately and made an appointment again with my counselor. I just don’t know if I can walk it yet again. I think I am over “it” and then find I am not and still need Jesus more and more for healing. I am grateful to be able to run to his arms each time with the doubts and questions and pain. Praying for you dear friend as you walk the path you are on with your own recovery. Thank you so much for always being an encouragement to me in your writing and helping me learn to “keep it real.”

  • Reply Katie March 29, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    By the way…. Happy Easter and every day

  • Reply Cynthia March 29, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    I love the post and the comments. If we had no sorrows, challenges and pain, I wonder if we would celebrate Jesus and His wonderful gift? Easter can be a sad time, but if not for Easter, we would have no redemption. His death was our redemption. So, with tears in my eyes and a heavy, yet joy-filled heart, I celebrate His resurrection. May all of you be touched by His love and His gift of Life. Easter blessings!

  • Reply Rae March 29, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Bonnie,
    Seven years ago, I did the unthinkable (I’m a musician) and injured both hands – what was supposed to take two to three weeks to heal, ended up taking fifteen agonizing months filled with unanswered questions and pain-filled “two steps forward/one step backward” days, weeks and months.

    The Thursday before Easter that year, I experienced what I can only call a God-moment, when I believe the Holy Spirit put 1 Peter 5:10 IN-MY-FACE. At the time, I was still 12-months away from full recovery, but God kept His promise even during my doubts and fears and tears.

    Thank you for writing what you did today. (By the way, I loved the Pete Wilson quote.) And I loved what you said, too, “It wasn’t hope in recovery. It was hope in Jesus.”

    Amen.

  • Reply Dee March 29, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    Jesus speaks to me through blogs like this one and the responses. These let me know that sometimes healing comes quickly and sometimes slowly. I guess it depends on a lot of variables. I know there are sad memories that I wish would go away, but they come back when certain stimuli prod them in my mind. Then the sadness returns for a bit, but I know I can go to Jesus and ask Him again to take it away…again. I do get tired of the memories returning and wish I had had one of those perfect families that seem to be so close together, but that’s not what I got. I accept it and find the beauty and joy in the simple things, and I realize I am a little more compassionate because my life has not been so perfect. Your words keep me centered on the place to go when I need to gather some strength and hope. God bless and keep you mon bon ami! 😀

  • Reply Weekend Round-Up for March 30 March 29, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    […] 9.  Bonnie Gray:   “When Easter Feels Overwhelming: Sometimes It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better” […]

  • Reply Lisamarie Fleenor March 30, 2013 at 11:05 am

    So beautifully written. The joy is in the journey and so often we miss it. Happy Easter and resurrection Sunday to you!
    Lisamarie

  • Reply Patty O March 30, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Bonnie,

    I so appreciate your two stories I’ve read today…

    So much so that you inspired me to write my story on my blog “The Day the Lord Visited Me” – here is the link:

    http://athankfullyimperfectwoman.com/2013/03/30/the-day-the-lord-visited-me/

    And when it comes to peeling back the layers…I’ve been struggling with a couple health issues since last fall…one of which will be fixed soon (Rotator Cuff Surgery on Wednesday)…not too sure about the other one…

    Until then, God has led me to start this blog…share some fun, some projects and my faith.

    Thank you for sharing yours…

    Patty O

  • Reply Nancy Ruegg March 30, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    I wonder if, on the Saturday after Christ’s crucifixion, the disciples and other believers reminisced about Jesus’ miracles and teachings. I wonder if the Holy Spirit brought to their minds the promises He made to come back to them (John 14:18, 28). During our “Saturdays of preparation,” we, too, can remember the miracles He has performed for us. We can remember His teachings, giving us strength to persevere. One example: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me” (John 14:1). And we can cling to His promises, such as: “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20b).

    Thank you, Bonnie, for drawing our attention to the Saturday of Holy Week, and the Saturday-seasons of our lives. The challenge is to make those times worthwhile, producing the fruit of hope, faith, and perseverence. God, help me!

  • Reply Dorothy March 31, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Hi Bonnie ~
    I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Easter.

    He has risen!
    He has risen indeed!
    Alleluia!

  • Reply Sharon March 31, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Wishing you a blessed Easter Sunday! May your day be full of Resurrection JOY!

    “He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said.” (Matthew 28:6)

    He is Risen! He is Risen indeed!

    Celebrating with you the promise of eternal life – thanks the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life!

    GOD BLESS!

  • Reply Cherry April 4, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Thank you, Bonnie – this was so good to read. I especially like your pastor’s quote at the beginning of your post. So true – thank you. And hope that your Easter was a special one with your family. Sending prayers for you …

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 10, 2013 at 3:18 pm

      Thanks, Cherry. I was thinking of you and your family too. Easter is continuing to make it’s way in me, even today. 🙂 Love, Bonnie

  • Reply Latrice April 9, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Bonnie,

    This post has been blessing me since the day you posted it. I’ve shared this message with many close family and friends. I LOVE the revelation of “Saturdays”, that is so powerful! I will continue to share this and hold this truth in my heart forever. Thank you so much.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 10, 2013 at 3:15 pm

      Thank you so much, Latrice. How amazing we all can connect on our journeys through our Saturdays. Together and with Jesus.

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