Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference between how you feel and where God wants you to go.
I’ve taught myself time and time again never to trust my feelings, but to trust in what my mind tells me is right instead.
This way of thinking has led me to get through enough bad times and to accomplish a lot in life. I’ve come to trust it.
But I’m beginning to wonder if it’s kept me from good times.
Not to say I haven’t had good times. I’ve experienced amazing seasons of beautiful, moving times of happiness and contentment.
But, I’m talking about goodness from a place, deep in my heart, where I struggle with self-doubt.
Where I dare to dream of a different inner life — and I’m living free to pursue those dreams.
It’s where I struggle with feelings of unworthiness, even as I am grateful for all that I am and have — and I am thankful God chose to love me and call me His own.
Where I feel like I’m not quite good enough.
No Reason
I decided to tell Dr. P that I wasn’t going to look for my father.
There simply was no reason to do so.
I’ve already been without a father since I was seven years old.
What’s the point?
He never came back to see me.
Not even once.
Not one letter.
Not even a birthday card.
I’ve often secretly wondered if maybe, just maybe my father had fallen ill.
What if he had cancer — or something death threatening?
Maybe that’s why he hadn’t come see me all these years.
Around junior high or high school age, a social worker helped my family and I by insisting that we get some sort of child support from my father.
He started paying $100 a month.
$100 a month?
I did the bills and balanced the check book often.
What in the world can $100 do for me? Is that all I’m worth to him?
Why wouldn’t he try to send me a little more, on my birthday?
I knew he wasn’t dead, because the checks kept coming.
I wanted to know more. But, I couldn’t ask.
The Last Time You Felt
“When’s the last time you felt this way?” Dr. P asked.
I told Dr. P I didn’t want to see my father. I can do it later — after I’ve recovered my ability to write my book.
Hello, do you remember? I thought to myself. I still have that contract hanging over my head. That I don’t want to default on. Like, I don’t want to miss this golden opportunity of a lifetime.
Let’s just put this on the back burner. I said nicely. (Let’s compromise) I just do not want to open this can of worms now, just as I’m beginning to finally, finally get some sleep.
“Well, let’s talk about why you don’t want to see him.” That was Dr. P’s response.
Arrrggh… I thought. Sometimes, I wish Dr. P wasn’t so good. The guy is relentless.
The interesting thing is, I’ve got this anxiety, panic attack physiological “shock” collar around me, so I know if I am unwilling to follow through on the therapy, I’ll have physiological symptoms to deal with. So, in that sense, I am very logical. I want to get well. So, I go along with this line of reasoning, if only to get him off my case.
I just don’t want to. Don’t have any desire. Don’t feel any need to.
“When’s the last time you felt this same way? Think back to the last time you said these words about your father.” Dr. P prompts.
I Didn’t Want To
I close my eyes. And think.
The morning after my father left, my mother asked me to come over to her.
She sat in the living, with our family photo albums pulled out, stacked on top of each other.
She told me, “Come here.”
She started opening up the photo albums, flipping through the plastic pages and pulling pictures out of pockets. The sound of film sticking to plastic tore through my pounding heart as memory upon memory were being ripped out of places.
“What are you doing?” I asked, sitting on my knees across from her.
“Start taking out pictures of him…” she commanded. She shot me a look that told me I better not ask why. “I don’t want any pictures of (his legal name) in this house. Not one. I don’t want to see his face any more.”
I don’t know why exactly, but, I didn’t want to do it.
It made my stomach feel heavy and empty all at the same time, seeing the missing gaps in photo albums I’d flipped through so many times in the living room, lying on my tummy, swinging my legs barefoot in back of me.
I didn’t want to take the pictures out.
But, she was already cutting up them up.
Into tiny shreds.
Just Fine
She made sure the shears cut straight into the faces, until there was no recollection of the images that were once there.
I held one last photo of my father, by the time we got to the end.
I paused thinking, Is there any way I could hide this one?
My mother looked up at me.
“What are you doing?”
“Do we have to cut all of them up? Can we keep just one?… I’m not in this one. You’re not in it either. It’s just one of him.”
“Why do you want want to keep one?” She asked me. A flicker of hope. I thought of a good reason, the only reason that surfaced in my confused heart.
“So I’ll know what he looked like.” I said it, just like that.
“Why do you want to remember what he looked like?” her eyes narrowed into me. Her voice sharp as those scissors in her hands.”Do you wanna go live with him?…”
She got up and started marching to the mustard yellow phone, hanging on the kitchen wall. “That’s what it is! You like him so much, why don’t you go with him then. Don’t live with me. Go pack your bags and I’ll just call him now. And he can come get you!”
“No, momma! No!” I screamed. I bolted from where I was at, instantly flying into sobs, pleading for my life. She had thrown me out on the porch before and threatened to throw me away to the orphanage that was down the street when I was younger. I knew without a shadow of a doubt she’d do it.
It was there, as I slumped over crying in hysterics, ears hot and stinging from choking tears, my mother said, “Don’t you ever talk about your father again. From this day forward, you don’t have a father. With a loser like him, you don’t need a father. Plenty of people grow up not having fathers. It’s just like some people born with handicaps, without limbs. People grow up and do just fine without them. ”
She paused to make sure it all sunk in, before she laid in her final words of warning.
“And don’t you ever complain about not having a daddy. If you have any problems in life, it ain’t gonna be because of me and it ain’t gonna be because you have no father. It’s gonna be because of you.”
Right then and there, I straightened up. I stopped crying. It came clear as a bell.
I don’t need a father. I don’t have a father. I’m going to be just fine.
Separated
I realized as I sat there, calm and strong, with tears all of a sudden stopped and no more, where my words originated from.
I realized I was still back there, reassured that nothing was wrong. And I was just fine.
I didn’t need any comfort. Nor any tenderness.
I just wanted to go on with the business of life and get back to a productive place — separated from my heart.
This is how I’ve lived my life. Fine and functioning — but frozen.
And now Jesus softly whispers into my winter landscape,”Come out, Bonnie.”
Like Lazarus, wrapped up in shrouds of linen, Jesus is asking me to emerge from where I’ve forgotten myself.
Out of touch with my heart, I feel awkward.
Who wants to look all bandaged up, disheveled and unmade?
Unsure of myself – every thought and feeling feels unfamiliar.
Why can’t I be sure before I follow my heart? I want to wait until I’ve figured it all out and I’m all healed up right and put back together again.
But, it seems there’s no other way of finding my heart, other than to experience and discover the truth of it’s leading me, with Jesus right beside me.
What is the right way to go?
What if this is all wrong?
What if I’m just imagining all this?
A Part of Ourselves
Jesus is whispering —
It’s okay.
This is how spring feels like to winter.
I haven’t forgotten you.
I haven’t forgotten you.
The original English word for Lent is “spring”.
As I walk into the last two weeks of Lent, into Easter, I’m sensing the Lord turning my heart towards spring.
Jesus is prompting me to step out in a new way with Him.
It’s so much easier to take care of everyone, tend to problems, of business and everything else that’s needed.
It’s easier to be strong and to not need.
To not feel.
We’ve been taught that our feelings are not reliable, so just throw them to the wayside.
Trouble is, there is a part of ourselves that we throw to the side too.
Let’s not take the easier path.
Let’s take the harder path — paved by the new ways of faith.
Let us take those feelings and bring them to Jesus.
Let us speak to Him as friend to friend.
And let us see, how Jesus can speak to us in a new way —
in the voice of intimate, loving confidante,
where He can take our tears, and show us where they lead,
where He can gently show us tenderness, so we can whisper all we’ve dared never to share,
so we can learn that putting our hearts first is a new way of letting Jesus love us.
The Way of The Heart
Lent is about denying myself the comfort of old ways — of living out of my control and my safety — to discover the truth of where I would go, if I allowed myself to only have one safety: Jesus holding me.
This what I’m thinking when Dr. P prompts me to answer the next question.
“Now, I want you go back to the last time you were with your father…”
As I close my eyes, I’m wondering maybe… perhaps… the way of the heart is where Jesus is waiting for me.
To clasp my hand into His.
And begin walking back into the past.
So I can journey further than I’ve ever gone before.
So that I can be fully present.
With all of my heart.
On my journey of faith.
With Him.
Today.
…To be continued…
…For the Lord comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
But Zion said, ‘The Lord has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.’
‘Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.’
~Isaiah 49:13-16
~~~~~
How is Jesus whispering “spring” in you?
How is Jesus prompting your heart today, to take the harder path in new ways — with Him?
Pull up a chair. New is not easy, especially when it comes to our hearts. But, you’ve definitely made this journey a kinder and gentler one, with your presence here.
Click to comment. Time stops for a bit when you share your words here..
~~~~~
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*Next Thursday’s 3/21/13* Writing Prompt: It’s the last two weeks of Lent. Lent comes from old English word meaning “spring”. Imagine Jesus whispering the word “spring” into your heart. Reflect and share the thoughts and feelings that flow from hearing Jesus whisper “spring”.
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51 Comments
It is hard for me to believe that Jesus wants to comfort me as He walks me back towards all that I lost…..having me put it into words…..something I promised I would never do. I don’t expect to be comforted when I get there. Instead I am bracing for that gut-wrenching, stomach twisting pain of a free fall….which is kind of the opposite of comfort.
But maybe…..maybe His intent is much different than what I imagine I am headed for. Taking his hand and trusting Him just might surprise me in the end.
Your post gives me hope…..
TO JULIE and the difficulty you have of Jesus wanting to comfort you x
“Like Lazarus, wrapped up in shrouds of linen, Jesus is asking me to emerge from where I’ve forgotten myself”.
Like parents abandoning (physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, etc.,) their children, we abandon and forget ourselves. But God never does. So many Christian ‘classics’ centre on darkness and feelings of abandonment by God – the dark night of the soul etc., – but its our ‘receptors’ that are faulty, not God’s love. If you have never been loved as a kid, how is God going to be able to communicate his love to you, how are you ever going to believe that love, when there are no ‘receptors’ to receive it? We have been abandoned, so unwittingly, we repeat those feelings of abandonment. It is an excruciating journey, growing new ‘receptors’, but God’s love is real and He never abandons us, although everything we have known previously may seek to make us believe this. He doesn’t abandon us, ever xxx
Thanks, Wendy….
This brings up something I never really thought about before….the idea that I abandoned MYSELF as a child…..gave up on her as I grew up year after year….packed her away as not worth the effort….or hoping to just move on without having to attend to her.
I left her behind, not Jesus…..lots to think about…..
“…..gave up on her as I grew up year after year….packed her away as not worth the effort….or hoping to just move on without having to attend to her.” You are absolutely right. You know what I’m talkin’ about. This is a hard-wrenching, stomach twisting free fall journey (that’s exactly how it feels to me!) to go back and find the girl who’s been left to the wayside. We’ve never tasted this comfort, but going back with Jesus, we have a second opportunity to heal what was left out the first time through. May God be with you, as you pray Zachary through his Romania experience!
Wendy… thank you so much.. I have never thought about it that way before… I was hurt by my parents as a child and my childhood was wrought with pain… it never occurred to me that my not being nurtured and loved as a child is exactly why I struggle so much with God’s love… WOW… that really gives me a new perspective on my realtionship with God and will help me to open myself more to his love… thank you thank you thank you!!!
Oh Bonnie. You’ve been through so much. I pray for deep restoration from the Father for all the loss you’ve known. Love you.
Lisa, I love your post this week about Centering Prayer. So much of this journey has been traveled through this “being” in a place with Jesus. And it’s brings me near you, as you continue the remaining weeks of Lent through this praying. Love the books you recommended too.
Bonnie, thank you for your courage and realness. So many share your journey of brokenness and long for the ablility to feel again. My heart cries for you. It’s so often implied that Jesus is the “magic wand” to fix us, when the reality is this long, lonely & torturous process. It’s encouraging to read your words of frustration and dispair, realizing you also have great faith in our risen Christ. It’s a strange combination for most believers to grasp and paralyzes me from reaching out even when I know it’s what I need.
I know, Sherry. It’s not easy. There will be some who won’t understand at all. But, I’ve found it’s worth it, to find the few who do. Because when they do, it brings a deep understanding that can give us a little more courage to take just one next step by faith. You have many here who understand you.
Bonnie,
ALL I COULD SAY WHEN I FINISHED READING THIS WAS… WOW, SHE IS SO STRONG… ‘Let those who are weak say that they are strong’. I know you may not feel or see it that way, but you so are. My eyes filled as I ‘heard’ what you said. Walk it out Bonnie, go ahead.. you can go there, because you’re coming back! You will come back whole, even stronger and so full of his joy and his strength that you won’t be able to stand yourself! (SMILE). I’m praying about and pondering what you’ve said about ‘spring’ because we all need ‘spring’. Just know there are people out here who are really,really proud of what you are doing, and in awe of your willingness and courage to share it with us.
This is resonating in my own life and taking me down my own path, yeah like many others I’ve begun my journey into wholeness too.
Lord Jesus, we trust and know that you will never leave nor forsake any of us. So I am just praising YOU in advance, knowing at the end of this journey she WILL come out as pure gold. Blessings to you always, keep up the good work.
Thank you, Mary, for walking the journey of faith in your own life, in a way that brings you to encourage and share your words here. Blessings to you!
What a fantastic message from you, dear Bonnie! I love you and your heart!
So good you’re here, Nancy!
Bonnie, my heart hurts to read your words. But, thank you for the reminder that the reason we have to excavate these hard ugly areas is to release the hurt and pain and be renewed. My journey is a bit different from yours; but very similar as well. Your words give me comfort as I walk this difficult road with Jesus.
We walk arm in arm, girls for Jesus, sisters of the Word. Teresa, it’s an honor to feel connected in this stretch of the daily journey of taking what we know and turning it inside out to find what we can be healed through. *hugs*
As I read your story, my heart was aching. You shut your heart …to survive! It seems like it was the only way you knew how at that age. Where could you go? You were dependent on your mother after all.
I can tell you that in some ways I can identify. Of course, my story is very different from yours. But I remember hearing my mother crying after she learned about my heart defect and how at that time there was nothing medically they were offering me. In my little girl heart I didn’t want to make my mother cry. So I became strong. Despite many injections and medical procedures, I never cried.
But you’re right. It does shut down a part of who we are. Maybe that’s why I believe the Lord gave me the name Heart Choices many years ago. For years I thought there was something wrong with me because I held back tears. But as I grew and got in touch with my heart, God showed me what I had done to survive in my little girl mind.
Oh friend, I could go on and on but I won’t for now. Just know that I am continuing to pray for you. I do believe your book will only be better and more complete as you share these struggles.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Oh Bonnie, my heart is breaking for you in your pain…but at the same time filled with joy as Jesus is healing the rips and tears as only HE can. Praying for you, my friend!
Thank you for sharing your story. Your words help me more than I can describe. Happy Spring!
praying for the melting, the comfort He alone can provide during a time of painful thaw
He Is your spring, your every season
oh, Bonnie, you have been through so much hurt. It seems like your mom was in a deep place of hurt and you were left alone. It makes me sad to think of a little girl having to endure so much from the two people who should have loved her the most. I am so thankful that Jesus has come to fill those places in your heart. I pray that you are healed from the burdens that you have endured. I KNOW that you are allowing God to bring healing and openness to others. To me. You are an instrument of peace. I thank God for you.
You, your family, your book deadline and most especially your healing are in my prayers. I so appreciate the beauty that you share . . .your gift of words, faith, grace are such a blessing.
Dearest Bonnie
You have been through so much. It takes courage to walk through the pain, how blessed to have Jesus walk with you. We rely on His promises, don’t we. You are in my prayers….again, your honesty and transparency is helping me and others on our own journey. God bless.
Bonnie, I can’t wait to hear more. I’m hoping you found healing. And maybe finding your Dad is just hearing how his life has been {all these years} so you can move on with yours. But above all, the emotional scars are the worst to heal. Physical ones heals up so much easier and cleaner. It’s the emotional ones which are like surgery. Hope the Surgeon keeps working. Praying for you. 🙂
Praying for you as you walk through these painful memories– praying for your healing and renewed strength. thank-you for writing and sharing your heart. and thank-you for hosting the faith jam.
Hi Bonnie, I am so proud of you for choosing Spring with Jesus. I am awaiting the next installment and I add my prayers to the others. Spring is coming to Brentwood as well.
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Bonnie,
I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry for what you went through. I know that you are strong, but I also know that you never deserved to be hurt. I’ve been praying for sleep for you. I hope you’re finding rest physically and emotionally in His arms. XO.
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Dear Bonnie, your faith and trust in Jesus is shining through this excruciating process. As you share your journey, many of us are looking at what work does the Lord wants to do in us to repair holes in our heart. It’s a journey that requires a lot of trust and bravery to let go. You are blessed to have Dr. P in your life who is being led by the Holy Spirit to bring you restoration.
Praying for you.
Janis
bonnie,
this post made me want to dance like King David did as he ushered in the Ark of the Covenant! I see such momentum, spring flowers peeking through the winter hardened ground and new life for you. sure the pressing in and on is tough. I went through a similar journey but when my dad “abandoned” me through his death. took me a long while to release the anger i felt towards him for smoking himself into an early grave. my journey of repressed feelings and white knuckling through misunderstood emotions led me to an excellent therapist who also, as your Dr. P, exhorted me to remember. WOW. I started to smile as soon as I saw you do the work Dr. P asked you to do. You actually took yourself back and found that painful, revealing, powerful memory. I smiled and shed tears at the same time. Don’t want to go on and on like I am about to here (already made a short story long). Just wanted to share my enthusiasm and somehow “connect” in a place we, perhaps, share. thank you, for being so brave. this will be a great time of deep healing for you. i KNOW it. GO DR. P!! AM ROOTING FOR HIM AND YOU!
It’s funny when we’re told indirectly or directly that feelings don’t matter because they were given by God and a part of His image in us. I’ve heard others say that we can’t have anything to do with our intellect or feelings, it’s only spirit that matters. That leaves a big hole in our lives! When everything comes under the Lordship of Jesus and goes through His healing, they are all beautiful expressions and point us to Him. We need them all even in our broken state. Thanks for the powerful tale of your ongoing healing, Bonnie. What an inspiration and encouragement.
I’m not sure which brings more hope ur post or ur readers. It’s amazing how many of us are on this journey of restoration.
I was told by a wise friend that God is after His spotless bride and the only way to work out all the spots and wrinkles are In Him.
So as painful as it is I have to believe for myself and for the rest of His brides He will not leave us or forsake us!
So I’m committed to do whatever it takes to trust in him and Him alone. But honestly sisters its just nice to know I’m not alone!
Thanks Bonnie for allowing to be used by Him
Dear Bonnie, I am so sorry for the pain you suffered. Not being allowed to keep a picture of your father! My heart cried with you, for you.
Bonnie, I read in The Good and Beautiful God a new thought: Fathers are supposed to be made in the image of Father God. They fall short, but he does not. Fatherhood came from him. Our earthly fathers, they need him desperately so they can live up to his charge to be fathers as he is Father. They (all) need forgiveness for marring the image.
Beth Moore in her James study mentions how family who have walked away get replaced by the family of God, but in God’s good timing the story doesn’t have to end there but he can even bring the birth family into the family of God. James was against Jesus during his ministry days, but changed radically after the resurrection when Jesus met with James alone. So James came to be the leader of the church in Jerusalem!
I am so very thankful for Dr. P and people like him, praise God for them, for all who love and serve God, though we all need forgiveness too.
I love you Bonnie, thank you for writing your story.
Thank you again, Bonnie! You are steadily moving forward, making so much progress!! I am so proud of you. You inspire me to move forward and deal with things I need to deal with too :).
God bless you!
Oh, my. This is such hard, painful work, isn’t it? And you cannot know the outcome of it – except for this: you do not take this journey alone. You walk with Jesus, with your very skilled therapist and a boatload of friends who believe in you. Praying for you as you continue to sift through these painful memories and rebuild your story.
Dear Bonnie,
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) I so know what you are going through. Just keep going. You can do it. It will get better. I remember having to go back and figure out when I first said I wasn’t going to “feel” anymore also. Feeling all really is better. Know I am continuing to lift you up in the journey. I wish I could come in person and give you that hug, but I am praying that Jesus give you that embrace, and your kids, and your husband. (which I am sure they are)
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hurt for you but I believe that Dr. P is helping you so much to get through things you never processed. The fallout is hard, I know. I appreciate your transparency and love reading your posts each week. Praying for you and all that God is doing in your life!
I was moved and touched by your transparency here. Alot of what you have written here reflects alot of what I went through in my young years and how I quietly closed down my heart from feeling or wanting to be hurt again. Little did I know I would have severe medical complications with my health for doing what I thought was the best way to deal with my emotions years later. I am slowly healing and I have come to a place now in my life knowing that Jesus loves me. You are a blessing and you are so loved. May God continue to heal you and bless you.
For a long time I felt like the bait on the hook with my mom casting me out only to hurt and cause pain to my dad. The lies she told left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be his daughter that I wasn’t wanted. My mom since I could remember told me I had been rejected.
The truth was far from the reality yet for over 25 years I fell this way. For as long as I can remember I have believed I was worthless, even in my journey with God I’ve questioned why would he love me? Why would anyone love me?
Two weeks ago I broke of my relationship with ,my mom and in doing so I lost my half siblings too. But it had to be done, my own children were questioning their self worth because of her rejection if them.
It’s hard and nearly every night I’ve been plagued with nightmares, the panic I have fought so hard to overcome is crushing my soul. The enemy is on my shoulder telling me I’m worthless, if my own mother couldn’t love me , who could?
How do I move forward, I’m holding on to hope like a rock on a cliffs edge I don’t want to fall into the abyss. I want spring to bloom and to leave winter behind.
I want to believe in trust.
I want to be free.
Yet this journey is a long one and right now I guess I have just stepped onto the train.
I thank you so much for your honesty, your beautiful open heart is blessing mid in ways you couldn’t foresee.
Precious Bonnie you have my heart.
Journeys are so difficult, ones like this. You’re heart, you’ve opened. My heart mostly remains a little tough and cool. Thank you for taking a girl hungry for her heart through your journey to find it warm and gentle.
My father was taboo conversation, too, and it didn’t help me emotionally. God told me find him since age eighteen, but I lacked the courage to bring up the subject or admit it. In 2008, I found my father and was able to put together a more accurate picture of the past. It also gave me peace.
I love the picture with your blog today–the dew hanging on the grass. Nature has so much incredible beauty. I love to get lost in it. How is God calling me to spring now, you ask us to think about. I suppose He’s always calling us to grow. For me, it’s to grow past the hurts, and some are hard…but today…some of the recent hurts have faded. I wondered when they would…but they have. So…there is a sign of spring for me. The birds were singing when I opened the door this morning. The fresh sound filled me with hope…and I hope the next steps for you help the wounds to heal. I know the journey is difficult, so I pray strength comes from Abba to help you move further down the road. God bless and keep you mon ami!
Bonnie, I am completely overcome by your willingness to be so transparent. Your honesty touches me. This was a beautiful post. I suffer from anxiety, and it is a brutal partner in life. But, I can only imagine the painful journey that you are on right now. Bless your heart for focusing on Jesus, and by having the courage to walk forward with Him. May He bring you to a place of peace and resolution.
GOD BLESS!
May He bring us both to that place of peace and resolution. Thank you, Sharon, for taking the time to visit with me and bring me the blessing of your journey.
Hi Bonnie,
I found your blog last week when I was on Crosswalk.. I just have to say thank you so very much for being brave in the face of such pain… I too have PTSD (childhood sexual abuse) and have struggled through the years.. I stuggle mostly with trusting God.. I want to thank you for inspiring me and showing me that God is always there… sometimes bad things happen but he is ever present.. and also that God can’t do everything for us – -we have to be present in our life as well.. I have been closer to God this week then I have in a long time and it feels great — I feel free and loved.. Thank you again for being brave enough to share your journey and inspiring me to reach out to God..
Hi Vikki, I’m so sorry you have to walk through what I’m walking through. It is hard, this healing stuff, isn’t it sister? I love how you put it — “we have to be present in our life as well”. Thank you, friend for being present with me on this post & for speaking your voice on your journey by posting your words here. You are real and brave. May that spark you felt from Jesus lead to more to come.
Oh Bonnie, you have written some powerful words before, but I really think so many could relate to this. It needs to be in your book! My heart just ached for your 7 year old self and I can’t imagine it, I just can’t. Blessings to you for sharing this most personal time. God will bless you for it! Lori
I’m a fairly new reader, so I am truly sorry if I’ve missed the answer to this question…
I have a lot I would want to share about my life, especially childhood. I always say though that it’s not just my story to share; it affects other people. Does your mother or other family know you are sharing these things? How do you handle it?
Hi Bonnie,
This is a powerful post. So many feelings from my childhood and my parent’s divorce. You know, I was 20 years old before I stopped trying to reunite my parents. I know that is OLD, but it’s true. And, do you know what stopped me? When I started looking at my parents as individuals, instead of mom and dad. I realized that these two people had never really gotten to know each other. They weren’t even friends. Wow! I can’t imagine marrying someone who wasn’t my best friend, first. Marriage is so intimate, on all levels. It was also around this time(in my 20’s) when I accepted the Lord into my life and really began to understand what that meant. Oh, I had been baptized and gone through the ceremony of accepting Christ when I was 10 but I didn’t really know what I was doing. I believe it was the meshing of my maturity, acceptance of the Lord and a willingness to let go of who I wanted my parents to be, that allowed me to begin to see my parents through the eyes of Jesus. He loved them just the way they were, so why couldn’t I do the same? It seems to me that every time we look at situations and people through HIS eyes and with HIS heart, we see clearly and we are able to forgive and move on. Your post brought all of these feelings to the forefront of my mind and heart. Through our brokeness, we are made whole. Many blessings to you and yours!
Oh Bonnie…do you want to hear something coincidental? Last week, I was thinking to myself: “I haven’t seen Bonnie on twitter in a very long time.” Now I do see that you had a break, but that you have been back and I’ve just missed it. I missed you. And I cannot believe (well, I can actually) how God placed you in my mind, with no prompting other than a random memory. And then I come here. And I see. Snippets of what has taken place. Of the healing. The current journey. The never-stop-growing places where seedlings sprout amidst moss and drought alike. It’s beautiful. It’s a word ‘beautiful’ can’t reach.
Thank you for your bravery. Your willingness to go back, if it means you truly can go on with the hand-holding Love by your side.
Oh, Bonnie – somehow I missed reading this when you posted it – and am so glad that I came back today, and could read it now. It breaks my heart to read more of your story, and I can hardly handle thinking about all that you experienced as a little girl. I just want to go back, and put my arms around the little girl that was you, and love you, and let you cry out your feelings and all the hurt in your heart. And I pray that as friends, we can be God’s arms of love around you as you do venture to go back to that heart-breaking time of your life. Praying for you, and so amazed at your transparency in sharing your story. And somehow, reading your words makes me feel like spring is coming for you … and possibly for many others who read your words.
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