Twenty chapters in seven weeks.
When I couldn’t even write one chapter in the past year.
You’d think I would be celebrating. Singing in the streets.
But, I want you to know.
Breaking free to take steps to walk the little girl in me out into the world. Isn’t so easy.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am that the words have been coming. But, as I turned my heart to write the book that stalled for a year in post traumatic stress, there is something about putting my voice to print that just terrifies me.
Because doing so, puts me in a place where I feel so small. Insecure.
Speaking in my full voice.
It brings me back to the way I felt.
Sitting on the bus.
On my way to the high school across the train tracks — on the other side of town — in the morning.
Between Two Worlds
They closed the high school in my neighborhood. So, I had to take the county transit to another one.
I’d step out of one world in which I lived at home. Where life wasn’t kind.
Where life wasn’t anything like it was at school.
Where teachers loved me. Where I felt safe. Where everything made sense.
But when I was at school, I sat in classes with kids that didn’t live in my neighborhood. My friends had daddies and mommies. Who helped them with class projects. Who came to watch them play at school concerts, while my momma said it was a waste of time to sit through a concert to hear me play just a few songs.
It was the same on the weekends, when we had debate tournaments. Parents would volunteer as judges. Or came to pick them up. We’d all huddle around afterwards. But, my parent was never there. Some moms and dads would ask if I wanted to go out with them for ice cream afterwards. Where are your parents?
It was awkward. I’d have to wait until the parking lot would clear. And my ride would come later.
Everybody’s life seemed so normal.
Of course, I never told anybody this.
My world outside was completely separated from what was happening inside me, the moment I stepped back into the house.
Somewhere between these two worlds — school and home — was the me who sat on the bus.
That’s how I feel right now.
I’m very close to completing the manuscript.
I’m scared, friends.
I don’t know what is going to happen if I actually finish the last chapters.
I feel like I’m back on the bus, in transit between two worlds:
– one world where I’m feeling alive and free.
– another world where I’m on my own and afraid.
Are you standing between two worlds too?
Are you trying to move out to new places — even if with tiny steps — and feel fear threatening to stop you from seeing the journey through?
The Hardest Part
Go back. Don’t even try to think about it — thinking you can change.
These are the voices pulling at me.
What are the voices holding you back?
As I look back at the chapters already written, you’d think I’d breeze through and wrap this thing up.
But, I’m here to tell you.
I thought the hardest part of the journey was beginning.
The hardest part of the journey is finishing. Because there’s no more wondering what will happen.
Because the hardest part of any faith journey is leaving.
In order to touch our feet on the promised land ahead, we’re gonna have to continually do the one thing we’d rather avoid.
All the way.
Do Not Be Afraid
Because leaving the life we’ve known is scary. You and I are attempting to step into a new world we’ve never traveled before. We’ve stayed safely in our own world.
But, that’s not where God is prompting us any more, is it friends?
The hardest part of the journey of faith involves staying with the fears and anxieties — while trying to remember God’s promises of faithfulness — and taking one step ahead with Him.
Among this chaos, I’ve been hearing another Voice speaking — quietly penetrating.
“Do not be afraid.
I am your shield,
your very great reward.”
~ Gen. 15:1
These are the words God confided to Abraham, the night He made a promise to him. God pointed Abraham to look up at the stars in the sky and made an oath with him about a future he couldn’t see.
An uncountable new life. Birthed in a new land.
God didn’t promise him escape from the battle, consequence or pain.
But, God promised His presence.
He himself would be Abraham’s protection and greatest reward.
Just like Abraham, we may be surrounded by God’s promises about the future, flickering like stars in the sky.
And just like Abraham, we may also feel frightened.
And that’s okay.
The Same Night
Because that’s exactly what happened to Abraham, the same night God showed him the stars and made him a promise that would change him to the core irrevocably.
The Scriptures say that very same night —
“As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him.” Gen. 15:12
Even in a nightmare, God continued to reassure Abraham He was near. And His promises still hold true.
If you’re like me, walking the space in between fear and faith —
Don’t feel guilty both are at play in your heart.
As we navigate our past into the promise of a unknown future, God says to us in the present –
Don’t be afraid.
I am your shield.
When you feel like giving up, remember you’re not alone.
Between here and there, this is what transformation looks like.
We are holding onto the God who is holding onto us.
Together, let’s keep each other company.
I see you.
You see me.
On this bus we ride through life’s many destinations, God has us covered.
He will be our shield.
How do you need God to be a shield for you today?
How is the movement of “leaving” a part of your current journey of faith?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. It’s been awhile. Between faith friends, there is always a familiar comfort when we catch up and share.
Thank you, friends, for praying for me. You are God’s grace to me and I’m celebrating how far I’ve come on this journey with you, by confiding in today’s post. As friend to friend.
Not a day goes by, I don’t return to this virtual place of safety. Because psst… I’ve been typing my chapters in WordPress, as if I’m writing a long post to you. I’m thinking of you, as you walk through your stories — your families, loved ones — your circumstances sometimes changing faster than lightning striking, while at other times, feeling slower than molasses. Both of us, longing for the gift of refreshment of other’s thoughts. Thank you your gift of friendship and comraderie. You bring joy to my soul.
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Photo credit: A taste of summer via Photobucket.
Bonnie, I have missed hearing your voice in Blog Land – but certainly understand (and admire) the dedication and hard work you’ve been doing writing. I think you are one of the most fearfully brave people I know. (To me, a fearfully brave person is the one who takes that one next step forward, even though they might be scared to death!)
I can relate to this post – as I know so many will. Last year, after 29 years of living in the same house and city, I moved away from family, friends, and familiar places. My husband wanted to live in the mountains, and I felt so strongly that God was calling me to an *Abraham* step of faith…and GO. It was very scary, and I’m still trying to adjust – but I can say that God has proven faithful in ways I could not have anticipated if I had not stepped out.
Now, another new phase begins as I step into more regular care of my aging parents. My dad is becoming quite senile, and he can be very mean. I need God to be my shield as old hurts are stirred up, and new hurts come at me. Each one is a flaming arrow from the enemy, and God truly needs to protect my heart.
So, my friend. Let’s walk these scary new steps together – let’s reach out for the future that God is placing before us.
Let’s get off the bus.
I can’t wait to read your words in a book and would love to be a reviewer for you. I have thought about your journey many times and prayed for you.
God can empower you to tell the story and I know the telling is very hard to do.
Be strong and be brave and listen to your internal words. You can do it and it will be a blessing to many.
I believe in your ability and your journey to healing.
Take one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time, and you will finish what you began.
Good to hear from you….keep up the hard work of moving forward…God is with you…..
That is exactly the place I’m at. And yes, finishing….this is a difficult path. Thank you for putting words to my heart today.
Bonnie, i love you and I’ve never even met you except through your writing. I can tell you are a very special person to God. Thank you for putting your most intimate thoughts in writing. I look forward to your gleanings of wisdom and reality. Thank you for opening up yourslf to us. God bless.
Good to see a post from you again. It has been many months since I have written on my own blog. Not because I have a large and difficult project going on like you, but simply because life keeps happening and I don’t make/take the time.
I’ve experienced the “on the bus” scary and alone moments in my own life at times, so I can relate to your feelings. Often, I read your posts and enjoy them but I don’t always comment. Wanted to comment today to let you know how much I (and I’m sure many others) appreciate your words, your honesty, and the glimpses of God’s presence that you give us. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.
Oh, Bonnie, I am so excited that you’ve finished so much! And I know you will finish strong… Thank you for your words of encouragement!
Hillsong’s “You are my Shield” is my favorite song. It’s my prayer for my children similar to Jesus’ prayer for his disciples — John 17: 5 “I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one.” Lord, be their shield!
I can’t wait to read your book. I am praying for you as you finish and get off the bus… He is faithful.
Wow I have not gotten a email from you in so long… I just wanted to let you know I am so right where you are scared to death, you see I have been in the medical profession most of my life always helping others and now I need help and I am scared to death of asking for this help I need from others, I am a Mom of 4 boys and #5 us my husband and they just don’t see or know how to help and I am drowning in my earthly father’s harsh words of I will never amount to anything I am useless!!! Oh DEAR GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
Dear Ms. Bonnie, Every time I read your written words. I find tears rolling down my cheeks. Your God given words speak to the heart of me. Every thing I need to hear is spoken though you to me. I am so very grateful you respond to Gods leading. I print out all of your words and read them through out my day. When life is good and when life is hard. I am so looking forward to your book. And I thank you for putting your words available for me to read.
Love in Christ, Debi
Please do finish that book. There are so many who need to read those words. I believe that it will be in the “finishing” of this thing that you will find the “new beginning” of the next wonderful thing God has planned for you.
You literally just put into words what I have ignored facing…I am called by God to write, and He has made it abundantly clear over the past 7 plus years…and yet my blog goes unattended, my book I started haunts me both with a beckoning to finish and the harsh reality that this is my story that eyes will see. PTSD is not something most people understand, nor want to, and so when I am caught between the past and present stalling my future, I have had no where to turn.
You, precious one, are an answer to prayer. Thank you for giving voice to what I dared not…
Dear Faith, We seem to have walked the same path. Like you,, my parents were never able to be there for school events, even for parents evenings. My mother had deep depression most of her life, and was afraid of everything, and my dad just had to work all the hours he could to keep us together as a family. The insecurities , fear and lack of self worth have been with me most of my life. In spite of my background I did get married, moved to live in America, and had two sons, who are now 46 and 43 .When we returned to England I started to have panic attacks as soon as the house was put on the market. On returning to London I had a complete nervous breakdown because there was no support again from my family . So over the years the anxiety has never left me. Then God stepped in when we found a church with a very kind, sympathetic vicar. The Lord had asked me to make another huge move and leap of faith just like Abraham. We moved to Scotland to be near my grandchildren. Since then The Lord has been taking me step by step to recovery. I stand on His Promise that He will restore the years the locusts have eaten[Joel .2 ]
I really understand the little girl inside, who feels vulnerable and in need of protection. Only God can do this. Whenever I look to man , even my loving husband, it is never enough to make me feel safe and secure. So thank you for having the courage to write your book. I am so looking forward to reading it. Bless you. With Much love and thanks Maria xxxxx
I love you Bonnie and I am so grateful for you! I never thought when I started this journey with you that I would be separated from my husband, moving across the country and looking for a new job! It’s your struggles that help me see that it is possible to see the light at the end of the tunnel…..GOD BLESS!
“Because leaving the life we’ve known is scary. You and I are attempting to step into a new world we’ve never traveled before. We’ve stayed safely in our own world.”
I love how God continues to work so personally in both of our lives along such a similar road….and I love YOU!
Last night there occured a shift in my heart that will be taking me into a place where I have believed I was not good enough or ok enough to go. But if I’ve learned anything at all in the past five years following my son’s battle with cancer, it’s that taking risks leads me to the feet of Jesus. And since that’s where I really want to be, I’m willing to leave everything behind….all the things that have allowed me to be in control and safe.
You mean a lot to me, Bonnie, and I hope you know I’m blessed and comforted and challenged by your words….always…..and God uses you to confirm His thoughts towrds me.
Oh Bonnie! As I read your post just now, I felt your pain, the anxiety crept in as I remembered that my parents never participated in any of my school activities either. No PTA meetings, no chorus performances, no games where I was a cheerleader, no awards day celebrations. After “career day” at school once, I was so excited to go home and tell my mother that I wanted to go to college! Her reply was “Who do you think is going to pay for that? We don’t have the money to send you to college!” After awhile, I felt that my efforts to maintain an “A” average in my classes no longer mattered. I started hanging with the “hippies” (I am now 55!) I dropped out of school, married a loser with no future, and felt as far from God as I did my parents, who, by the way were just fine with my behavior…one less mouth to feed.
Of course, my teenage marriage failed, but by this time I was convinced there was SOMETHING better for me! I loved GOD, and never forgot what my grandparents had instilled in me when they came to get me and take me to church. I gave my life to Jesus when I was 12 years old and for the time being I felt loved. All those years later, I went back to church, where I was met with judgment, not love. So I wandered in the wilderness for years. Then I met and married my current husband of 33 years. We had two beautiful sons, and Jesus was calling my name…I answered and have never looked back. There is so much more to my story, but I will leave it there for now. I just needed to share how much your bravery has inspired me. May our LORD continue to bless you and give you the courage and strength you need to FINISH the work HE has given you.
Your sister in Christ…
Hi bonnie 🙂 so good to hear from u. I will have u in my prayers. I can relate to what u r going thru. Û r a true blessing. May God bless u. Love Lori
Bonnie, you’ve been missed, first of all. Secondly, keep holding strong to God’s hand. I know this is the end of one part of this, but the beginning of so much more and it’s scary and you feel so exposed, but He’s got you right where He wants you, just hang on. I’m so glad you check in here every so often and tell us about it. You were a light in times when I needed it and I am glad to be able to encourage you now.
Bonnie, I know what you mean. Although my experiences are different from yours, I too get scared completing. At least if it’s a work in progress, I won’t be judged. At least I’m trying, right? I am thrilled to read of your progress; good for you! You are brave but the Lord is indeed your strength. I’ll be praying you on friend.
Blessings and love,
you my dear sister are doing very well from my perspective. it is very difficult to experience the emotions and walk through the pain and confusion when they have been bottled up, stuffed down, ignored for so many years. it is like having 100 deaths all at one time. personally i have experieced many traumatic events and i have been forbidden either by my own family , society norms and even christian misconceptions with god’s words from experiencing these god given emotions. it has taken me awhile to experience the grief anger and confusion and to identify how those events made me feel and how they molded by beliefs. you seem to me to be doing awesome. don’t be so hard on yourself… you seem to be making strides and are well on your way. i also still have triggers, and those triggers have become lessened and some aren’t even there anymore. i say all of this to encourage you.. i think you are doing great my sister. you are brave to face all of this and walk through the dark valley. you are behaving bravely and with courage from where i am sitting. thank you for all you do… your sister in christ. janet
I love hearing your progress. God is faithful to grow us to completeness and wholeness in Christ. His presence is safe and always with us.
In the second grade, I had to get my own ride to PTA night. My class was performing the Mexican Hat Dance. My parents didn’t show up usually.
My mom nagged Dad to come to my high school graduation. Then he skipped my college commencement. The disconnection with people still challenges me, and I am a senior citizen.
My heart feels a connection with you. Thank you for sharing intimately.
I’m still reading and praying for you who writes and shares with us who write maybe in a more private way, journaling with Jesus Christ, the Friend that sticks closer than a brother and connects us to so many sisters and brothers the world over. You are blessed with much talent. Be even more blessed as you share your story, His story, encouraging others in book form.
Friendship in Christ,
I still think God has some special surprise for you when you complete the book. When you are finally finished with it. I don’t know what but it is my gut feeling. Let us know if something you would never have thought of comes your way. Maybe some wide expanse of grace or…something wonderful, something new.
I feel the same way about finishing my book. It only has 18 chapters but each time I have it critiqued by my writer’s group, I find more work to do, more re-writing. It is a test of my desire to move forward when I have to retrace my words to bring more life and light into the passages. I am confident that the Lord will be working in this process but the finish seems to be always beckoning me onward and the constant revisiting the past seems unending. It is scary and frightening to know I have such a long way to go until the finish line…the completion of this story I’ve started. Thanks for giving me faith and confidence that the Lord will be with me and finish in His time to bring glory to His name.
As we navigate our past into the promise of a unknown future, God says to us in the present –
Don’t be afraid.
I am your shield
Thank you. I needed this.
I am definitely in an in between place but am so comforted that here too is God.
I always enjoy your words–thank you for letting us journey with you. I pray that God gives you words and wisdom for the completion of your book. The story goes on, doesn’t it, so it’s hard to know how to finish the writing. It’s good to know, too, that God is with you on the bus, and wherever you step off, He will continue by your side.
I read Psalm 139 repeatedly, I guess because I seem to have lost the capacity to direct my life. “Where can I flee from your presence? . . . Nowhere.”
You are doing awesome, Bonnie! Your courage in the face of fear is inspiring. Go girl! Praying you to the finish line.
My 5th grader graduated so apprehensive about middle school. “Mommy can I stay in 5th grade?” She is so sweetly saying this summer, “I don’t want to grow up.” I understand that. I feel that, and I’ll be Forty in October. (We have the same birthday) Leaving what I know and beginning new. From being shepherded, to being Pastor of a church plant. The questioning. The panic. The tug of war.
She wanted makeup at the store, but was so upset the Tigger movie came on and she missed it. I can only encourage her because I’ve been there. Where we are, in transition, is hard. But during this comment I realize we will soon be encouraging others. Nothing is wasted. Like she has me to turn to and rely on, Papa Abba is there for me, for you. I am so grateful for your encouragement every time. Jesus shines brightly, and His fragrance spills, through your voice.
Thank you Bonnie….I needed to hear this tonight….after spending 7 years walking out of addiction….learning to live in the land of the living again….and finally, facing the consequences of what that lifestyle cost me…I’m finally free but find myself settling for a very small life to protect myself from more pain…to shield myself in my fear. I faced the realization that I didn’t use pills for fun…they were to numb the past. A past that I didn’t even remember because it was too much for a child to process. I could never even speak it out loud. Now I’m starting over and your words have walked beside me on my journey. There were times that I checked my email to see if you were there and found you then felt as if we sat down and visited. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your nakedness and vulnerability. I know it’s so scary. I am grateful for your writing.
Thank You for your words, thoughts, story,…I so needed hear! This life has been almost more than I can handle, I don’t know what my journey looks like, where, what, when, etc. I don’t always feel like God is with me, but I have faith, strength, and hope! Your words are a true blessing of encouragement! Thank You from the depths of my heart! I’m hanging in there… right with you! May God Bless us and keep us!
I, too, am so grateful for each entry you post. Your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable is like a release valve on a pressure cooker in my heart…I always cry when reading your entries because you put words to my own feelings and thoughts. I can’t wait to read your book. God recently has been telling me “I am your very great reward”…from the same Scripture reference you cited. Trying to grasp that amidst decades of a hard marriage. So as I read your post today, what a confirmation that the LORD is relentlessly telling me…HE is enough. HE is sufficient. Praying for INDESCRIBABLE JOY in your heart and life today, Bonnie. That the pain of your past would be covered totally by HIS PRESENCE today.
Thank you so much for this post, Bonnie! It’s amazing how God planned for me to read this today; your post was such a blessing!
I’ve been doing a lot of leaving lately, and I’m beginning to find it difficult to invest in and trust people in the new places because I know I’ll leave them soon. The past two days have been really difficult for me as I have been doubting God can use me and change me, feeling overwhelmed with fear. I’ve been praying for God to encourage me through these fears, and was really encouraged by your post. You reminded me that this is part of God’s plan… that He is there with me, bringing me closer to Him. 🙂 Thank you!
Wow! What a powerful post. I applaud u for your transparency n vulnerabity. I would also like to encourage you, it gets better as time goes on. I really liked your statement about fear n the journey of faith. The part you had italicized. Its true we must walk out our faith even amidst anxiety n fear. Thank you!
Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability, and courage. May the Lord immerse you in His love, grace, mercy, comfort, and strength. “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isa 41:10
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
The wisdom you shared from Genesis 15: 1 today, was just what I needed to be reminded of.
I was divorced a year ago, after 20 years of marriage. I turn 50 next week. Being “single” at this stage of life is certainly not what “my plan or hope was.” God is faithfully healing my heart and reassuring me of His unfailing love, new mercies every day and the One who will never leave me or forsake me.
A new chapter begins and it is scary, but with God as my shield I am reassured. He IS with me wherever I go.
Praying you through this journey of healing and continue to pray for courage as you write His glory story through your beautiful life.
Inspired and Encouraged.
In His Love,
I’m writing this in the early hours of Sunday morning in Australia and this blog made me feel like saying the following to you.
I’m doing a talk at church tonight about Hero’s journey and I’ve been thinking a lot about it this past week, thinking about what a hero is.
So I want to say you are a hero – someone who has left the comfortable to follow God’s leading and come to a place where you can share what you have learnt with others to help them.
Reading what you share continues to be such a blessing for me.
Well done hero Faith!
Bonnie, your words are always so insightful. They give me so much to think about. I put off reading today’s post until i would have time to reflect upon it. Having been on a hard journey this past year, we are close to the sentencing my grandsons father. Dean still hasn’t opened up to discuss what happened to him. I pray someday he will, if that is what will bring healing to his soul. I have been walking another hard journey, along with this one ..and it is hard to step forward… because the past has been so painful… what will the future hold. Can i endure it. I am so weary. I feel like Abraham, with that darkness over me. But i know we have a God who wants us to live an abundant life. And so my love for Him keeps me moving forward… and your words, they encouage me. Thankyou for all you share… you are in my prayers. God is using you as a vessel of His healing… and i pray each day brungs healing to your heart and to your soul.
Bonnie, words can’t express how much your beautiful tender heart in Christ blesses me. Every time I see your name, I know my heart will melt and sence Jesus”s relentless tender heart. My precious sister thank you for sharing with all of us , they have been healing with beauty, whose souls have and are going through similar nightmares. Love
, Debra xo
Dearest Bonnie, God’s timing is GREAT! I got in my email today, many days later than you posted and I so needed to be reminded to not be afraid. So much overwhelming things, my husband’s health, finances, dear friends leaving (one of whom is my counselor, pastor and friend). I said goodbye yesterday, the last day he was there. I was up half the night worrying about my husband his first night back to work after a leave of absence. He isn’t back to working full time yet, we have used up all FMLA allowed by federal law. I am still only part time after being fired 18 months ago. I have written less and less as this year has gone by. I think of you so often and pray for you. I have missed you friend, but I so admire your courage to face your past and write inspite of the the PSTD. Tears stream as I read this.
Every single time I come to this space, sweet Bonnie, your words refresh, encourage, and challenge me to keep running this race, no matter how hard it is, because He is with me every step of the way. I am looking forward to reading your book and sharing it with everyone I know. Just reading about your journey to writing this book, I KNOW God has some amazing things in store for you as you continue to share your story.
Once again, your words seem to coincide with the feelings in my heart. I can’t seem to express my feelings the way you can but that is ok because God knows. Your words, your story is a blessing to me and I am continuously praying for you on your journey. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a blessing to me.
Thank you Bonnie for being transparent this past year. God has used your posts, since the late summer of 2012, to provide me with direction and encouragement at just the right time. I had just started counseling to deal with trauma from my childhood, when your blog helped me realize that I was experiencing PTSD.
God has graciously provided me with a group of three other ladies to go through a Bible Study called The Wounded Heart. We are getting close to the end, and I too am fearful of finishing. There are questions in my mind, will I lose the supportive relationships I’ve formed, does finishing this study mean I’m healed, what do I move on to? I think when PTSD and processing past trauma takes place, it’s like an earthquake to our lives. There is no normal or typical day anymore. There’s more uncertainty. So I think some of the fear of finishing is a fear of the future and a fear of the unknown. What will normal life look like after I finish this?
Again, thank you for sharing your journey. We are all broken in some way. God’s beauty shines through our brokenness when we are able to be transparent with others.
I just found your site today. This post was so well written and the voices in the comments are so inspiring! Thank you for sharing! 🙂
It took me 20 years to write my book…partly because it was so emotionally difficult to go back to that place and feel all the pain again, and partly because I was a single mom working full time and struggling to make ends meet. If I can do it, anyone can. Don’t let the doubt win. Our childhoods sound very similar. Looking forward to reading your book!
Dear Vanessa, what an amazing freedom, to finally look back and see your heart in words, on a page – real! Congratulations! You understand my pain and I understand yours. Thank you for this gift of friendship here, across the digital divide, but closer because of sisterhood in Him.
Thank you for writing about where I am living. I am typing my response blurry-eyed because your words spoke directly to the core of where I am. I was challenged by a friend over the weekend to move forward. I realized that I am scared to death of the success that could/will come about because God is in this ministry He has called me to. It is bigger than I could imagine – I can feel it, and that freaks me out. I am so afraid to take the necessary steps to move forward, yet I know with every fiber of my being I cannot stay where I am.
I will continue to pray for you, Bonnie and will continue to read your blog for encouragement. It is comforting to know that I am not alone and that someone gets this.
Dear Monica, I am thinking of you tonight and pray you are continuing to feel God’s touch encouraging you on. Take one step and stumble on the next if needed, as that is how I have been journeying. And I’m finding there is friendship on this journey — with Jesus and with each other – as friends on this faith journey. We are not alone. 😉
I so relate to you in all of your writings. I, too, had a difficult relationship with my mother, a deep mother wound. It has taken me all of my life to overcome the damage and I’m still fighting the battle for freedom. My little girl inside is broken, but God is constantly bringing about circumstances to cause healing and freedom to come. I have used people and their approval as my drug of choice. God is stripping me of everything to which I once held dear. He want my dependence to be upon Him and Him alone. My worth and identity have come from others since I have had none of my own. But that identity is false and He won’t have that for me. I am in a state of emergence. Very scared and lonely. But
I know Him better and trust Him more than I ever have in my life. So, I know that good is ahead. Thank you for your transparency. It helps to know that others understand.
I’ve been learning to leave these last few months too. A marriage that was mentally and emotionally abusive. I did the counseling, the counseling homework, made the necessary changes in my life. My husband didn’t. I felt like I was dying, suffocated and trapped. I told him I want a divorce today. I’ve been crying all day but I know I did the right thing. I never expected to be divorced AGAIN but I feel God working in my life. I’m taking a leap of faith and trusting him with everything I have. I pray my husband finds Him too one day. In the meantime I have to start healing, my health and wellbeing are gone but I know I’ll get them back, eventually. I’m finally learning to be authentically me.
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