I told her I don’t know if she’d be interested.
It wasn’t even 24 hours since I turned in the manuscript for my book.
It felt surreal, getting an email from someone from the international mothering organization called MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). She told me MOPS puts together curriculum that is distributed to around 100,000 moms all over the world to encourage them in the journey of motherhood.
She asked me if I’d be interested in doing a 15 minute talk that MOPS would film and that it would be a part of their 2014 curriculum.
We would fly you out to Denver for a day trip and do the filming in an hour or so. This November.
I read that email, stunned with disbelief.
I haven’t stepped on an airplane in two years.
Since becoming debilitated with panic attacks, insomnia and anxiety this past year and a half, the number of people I’ve been able to feel safe with has been small.
I am still wrapping my heart and mind around the idea that I am actually going to tell the whole world — in print — stories I’ve managed to lock deep inside my whole life. That I’m just coming to terms with.
As you know, I just hit a breakthrough in my journey through childhood trauma — just six months ago. I’m still learning to do life in my new reality.
Yet, here was this opportunity.
Can’t Outrun
Are you serious, God?
But, then I felt maybe God was whispering back —
I don’t want you to hide behind your words, Bonnie.
I realized sharing my story in person is part of my journey to heal too. To step out all the way.
To connect with other women about what I’m facing. So she can know she is not alone.
That no stress, no desperate loneliness or choking struggle to get up everyday, to care for a little boy or girl — to drag yourself out of bed to drive yourself to the grocery store with a baby, only to wrap your crying infant to your bosom, while trying to lift your other toddler’s wild legs to fit them into the shopping cart — nothing — can separate her from her heart.
Because that is where Jesus is.
To let her know I have tried to hide all that made me weary, so that I could be strong.
But, I can’t outrun my heart. And I can’t outrun my need.
I don’t want to survive on my own anymore.
So, I replied to Mandy. I’m interested.
Real
When we talked on the phone, I confided if I could talk about whatever I wanted, I’d share how I’m finding God in my broken story.
It may not fit in with what you’re looking for, I offered.
She didn’t even hesitate.
I love it. She smiled into the phone.
So, now I have a ticket to Colorado. Come November.
At Home
Where are you on the journey to give yourself permission —
— to be real
— to feel
— to need
— to be seen?
One of the biggest reasons I felt deeply moved and inspired in my heart to say YES is what MOPS says they’re all about.
“MOPS groups are rallying women
to be more honest,
to feel more equipped and
to find our identity
by journeying along side one another.“
When I read this, I felt I can feel at home with MOPS, so I can dare to tell my story — in hopes it will open the doors and hearts of women to share their stories too.
That together, we can uncover the deep and beautiful stories we are living with Jesus. As is.
And through these stories, we can become real — and help each other care for the little girl.
In you.
And in me.
We are, after all, little girls, nestled in the arms of Jesus.
“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms and
carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.”
– Isaiah 40:11
~~~~~
How is God prompting you to step out and be real with others?
Pull up a chair. I’m literally shaking as I take this step with you. Pray for me, as I come to mind? We can pray for each other.
Do what you do so amazingly here. Share, so we can remember each other. Click to comment.
~~~~~
** MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) GIVEAWAY **
Could visiting a MOPS group near you be one step in your faith journey of being real?
If you — or someone you know — has ever longed for mommy friends who can be faith friends, who wondered about visiting a moms support group, MOPS is a safe place to explore. (Click to read about what MOPS groups value).
Today, MOPS has generously offered to giveaway THREE Annual MOPS Membership here on Faith Barista {Each Membership is $23.95}!
To Enter: Just click to share a comment by midnight Monday 9/23/13 . Winner will be announced Tuesday here.
{ Psst.. Please pass news of this giveaway to a mom and forward today’s post to her. And when you do, ask her how she’s doing. Let her know she’s on your mind. And give her the gift of listening and space to be her. As is. }
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’d like to hear more about my new book releasing June 2014 or other writerly updates, I’m creating a Faith Shots Updates mailing list.
Think of this as short, personal letters I slip to you every now and then about the behind-the-scenes journey, not yet on the blog. I’d love to share musings with you informally this way. Sign up by clicking here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** Don’t miss! ** If you are new to Faith Barista, I’d like welcome you here.Click to subscribe by email and get each post in this series served up hot and fresh directly in your mailbox.
Photo: atasteofsummer via Photobucket.
39 Comments
Oi!!
No more hiding? Just what I’ve been doing for 12 years of divorced life!! Said nothing about my x husband lack of interest in the kids, said nothing about his lack of contributing, said nothing about my 18 year old son who is ashamed of his father, because my x thinks his is an amazing father!!
No more hiding, no more thinking who is going to say what if I stand up for my kids, no more being passive and not fighting for what is honorable and right,no, this ‘little girl” is fighting back, and this is just the beginning,the little “mouse” in me is dead!! she’s gone and from now on, be afraid, be very afraid for my strength has come.
I can do all things through Christ in me!!
thanks
Sandra Minnaar
I’m right behind you…..taking a step, it seems, into the footprints you leave behind.
After thirty years of hiding my own childhood trauma, twenty years in pastoral ministry, the battle for my little boy’s life invaded by kidney cancer, a grown son who is struggling with homosexuality and the birth and “death” of a dream for 120 orphans in Uganda, I found myself these past three weeks admitted into a mental health hospital for severe anxiety, depression, PTSD and suicidal intent.
The little girl in me has been there through it all. And so, I now know, has Jesus.
This is taking so long, this walk home. But your story, Bonnie, keeps me looking up.
I’m here. I’m reading. I’m walking.
Dear Lord Jesus,
Please carry Julie, Your beloved lamb, through this dark time. Help her to daily slip her hand into Yours, to connect deep with Ypur love, to trust You in the dark! Our hope is in You, and You are the One who knows the “why’s”. Let Your presence with her now be enough. Tether her hope fast to Your promises. As the writer of 2 Chronicles said, “for we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to DO, but our eyes are on You.” Let Julie rest today in BEing, not in doing.
I pray for her today in Your Name, the Name above ALL names!
Praying for you Julie. Sometimes the darkest times in our lives make it seem like God is not there. But He is just holding so tightly in His hands that we can’t see. Like a baby in their mother’s bosom. Moses asked God to show him His glory. Moses never saw Him coming, but He saw Him going. Bless you dear sister as you walk this healing journey.
Bonnie, I am so tickled pink that God is using your voice this way. It brought me to tears. This is my dream. To write and to speak to women to encourage them. I paused and said a prayer to God because He is surrounding me with open doors to my dream. I say something like are you serious God? You know this is my dream. I hope this is you because I would be devastated if it isn’t. At least now I can be real in my time with Him. I’m glad the first place He frees us to use our voice is with Him. Now to share my voice with the world. Shaking in my boots every step of the way, but it is my expression of love to the little girl who is me all grown up. God is so good that He has allowed me to be on two book launches during this season. One for Mary Demuth and the other Jo Ann Fore. This little girl is gonna use her voice.
Julie – I will be praying for you too – this road can sometimes get so rough. We are going thru it together, and we will come into His light! He will bring you to a “spacious place” and He will use all you have gone thru to bring you much blessing as others are blessed too and He is glorified!! Your boys will be in my prayers too – nothing we experience is too far from His touch!
Bonnie – I am so excited to see what the great Lord God will do with your story – He will use it to free others as you speak of how He has freed and is freeing you! I understand having had a difficult road myself as I think many of our sisters have! We are called to encourage one another and it is not a superficial encouraging that is need. Praying for you as you continue to go forward in following Him and what He has for you to do!!
Bonnie, I cried when I read your ‘yes’ to the invitation! It’s been such an honor to read your journey, and I know that many more women will be blessed as you share. Praying for you and celebrating with you!
Just had to share this after reading your post. About 8-10 yrs. ago I was a mentor in a MOPS group. One Christmas I was asked to “give my story”, and I tied it into the wise men searching for the Christ child, just as I searched for love and only found it in Jesus’ unconditional love. I shared how I’d grown up in a very dysfunctional home with a mother who didn’t want me, didn’t love me, was jealous of me, and was abusive. Other relatives either turned a blind eye or told me I had to be strong and keep our family from falling apart by putting up with whatever my mother dished out. I’d struggled throughout my life trying to accept the way things were and desperately just wanting my mother’s love and acceptance. The young moms had tears in their eyes as I spoke. When I was done, so many of them came up to me to thank me for being open and transparent with them. They said it made the advice I gave so much more real because they saw that I wasn’t the “perfect” Christian they’d thought me to be but that I had loads of baggage myself. It was the first time I’d been so honest and transparent. Just wanted to encourage you as you speak to this group, Bonnie 🙂
I loved when you wrote:
“I don’t want to survive on my own anymore.”
We weren’t meant to live isolated. I do believe our stories can encourage others who may be afraid they are all alone. I know you will bless these moms. It’s a great organization. And filming you will enable them to reach more moms.
So you go Bonnie and know that you will be covered in prayer.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Thank you for your post Faith. I love the scripture and need to print it and hang it at my desk, on the refridgerator at home, on the mirror and in the car…….pretty much everywhere. I need the reminder “He gently leads those that have young.” I recently started going back to school. I have a lot on my plate being a wife, mom, working a full-time job and going to school, but I feel like I have to do SOMETHING even in this fearfilled time!! I keep praying for God to show me what I am really supposed to be doing and lead me on the right path.
Always remember “I can do all things through Christ.” We are never alone nor forsaken. May God guide your every move. Faith is bigger than doubt and fear!
For me, I’m continuing to be work out my “realness” through sharing on my new site Tripping Through Faith. It’s not easy for me to be completely open with people but over the years that I’ve been blogging, it’s slowly becoming more of who I am.
Thank You for sharing today. As tears run down my face.
I am attending a conf. today ,but I am struggling in trusting the LORD that I will be safe there.
I grew up learning that God’s love was conditional. No no one “Said” that out loud, but their words and actions said that it was.
Today I will walk into the conf. a Little girl wanting, longing for God’s love, healing, approval…
I love that I found you Bonnie when I was in such a dark place! Thank You for sharing your story with us, without it???? I am not sure I would be this far along in my healing.
Blessings and peace to you today.
So very proud of you, Bonnie. You’ve asked the Lord for help & healing & are using it! It’s still hard but with Christ you are moving forward!!! Praying for you as you prepare your heart message for MOPS!
Love in Christ,
Donna
Oh darlin my heart goes out to you. I too suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. They are very hard on a person so I fully understand how scary they can be. I will pray for you that you will be able to run the ramp for the plane with a happy heart.
And Colorado will love you. I lived there for many years and the people are so warm and welcoming. They will meet you with open arms and embrace you.
Please tell the mountains hi for me. I miss them everyday. 🙂 I will be praying for you in your exciting time and know each step you take God will protect you and we are there with you the whole way!!
Love. Patty
bonnie wow! How exciting 🙂 God bless you on your journey you’ve come so far. Much love lori
I have been in need of some mommy friends and was thinking of atrending a mops group. I had no idea there was a membership fee though. God is prmpting me to be real on my blog and to stepout and be real about my need for friends in my same stage of life.
You are so brave, Bonnie! I am so inspired by your faith journey. I pray that as you venture out and travel via airline to Colorado to do the filming for MOPS, that you will be emboldened with the Holy Spirit. Years, and years ago, when my boys were young, I worked at a MOPS daycare. It was an honor to serve.
My journey right now is to stop hiding. Trauma forced me into a dark place, and has kept me there for far too long. I am much better now, but I still struggle at times with anxiety. I am participating in an art class offered through The Brave Girls Club, called Soul Restoration. While we create beautiful art, it is so much more…it really has forced me to process issues that keep coming up, things I thought I had resolved. I’m halfway through, and feeling apprehensive about doing a “timeline” of my life. I’m just not sure I’m ready to face all of that and put it to paper, even though no one will see it except me.
Looking forward to reading more of your journey! You are such a blessing!
Bonnie,
I have been silently following you since November when I finally broke from years of being strong. I have cried and prayed along with you and for you, as well as myself. I don’t know where I am on my journey when you asked and for some reason I felt I needed to tell you. This need somehow represents a step forward to me. I know I will always be broken but I have learned that’s okay, thanks to you and a few close family members. God has played the biggest part in all of this. He is responsible for all the good in my life. It is a shame He had to allow me to fail so greatly to realize this. Please know that I continue to pray for you and all the other broken women who are somehow surviving. We are an awesome bunch.
Bev
yes… we are! Blessings to you too, Bev!
Dearest Bonnie, you are so brave, and I want to encourage you to continue to share that little girl voice! It IS VERY HARD stuff, you are talking about. The more we are open about our traumas, the more authentic we can be with our families and our communities, whether they are church communities, school or social. My trauma started when I was 10 years old and was assaulted on my walk to school, and raped by my high school shop teacher. Many other incidents since then in the Army, and too ugly to talk about here, but I think the biggest issue for me was the betrayal of people that I should have been able to trust.
My counselor recommended that I read “Destroying Sanctuary” by Sandra Bloom
It is hard to get into, but it talks about “if I acknowledge your trauma/attack… then it means that I am not safe either” Does that make sense? I bought one used through Amazon, and I am still reading it.
Remember that God is always walking with us through our “stuff”. He will never leave you, and you can confide in him about anything…because He already knows, and He loves you “as is”, but He also loves you MORE to not leave you that way!
God bless you in your journey, Bonnie! Inez
Bonnie!! A big brave step! I am so proud of you!
The past year or so things have happened to pull the past into the present. Two nights ago, I wrote a letter in my sleep 🙂 Yesterday I wrote it on paper and today I mailed it.
Nothing earth-shattering to anyone else, but I needed to acknowledge truth to someone who had always been kind to me and extended an invitation I would not accept.
I needed to be real and tell her it was the ghosts of fear from my past that kept me from attending, not the lovely women who would be at the reunion next week.
There is a remarkable peace in facing down the roaring lion. While I could wish it had come earlier so I could have gone, writing the letter let me come out from hiding, Bonnie. There is a remarkable lightness to it!
I’m so glad you accepted your invitation!
Thank you very much for your post. It encourages my heart to hear you speak in the same ways that God is speaking to me. God is speaking to me about EPH 4:15 about how speaking the truth in love is how to grow up in Christ. This seems so simple but it is so not! I appreciate you speaking bravely and truly from your heart. It is not easy to do.
Thank you for having your life on display, so to speak, for the encouragement of others.
Bless you.
Susan
you might also be interested in writewhereithurts.org / joannfore.com as what you are saying totally resonates with what that community of women is trying to move forward in also.
Wow, Ladies…you are all so brave. It’s hard to go through the things we all go through. I’ve lived with fear/anxiety for what seems like my whole life, but about 1 1/2 years ago I realized God was putting me in a position where I was going to have to confront my fears. It was terrifying. It has been freeing. It’s a struggle. But God has been my strength and continues to lead me in every step. He doesn’t show me ahead of time…He wants me to trust Him to show me where to go when it’s time. It has been an amazing walk. Trust is hard sometimes, especially when you can’t see ahead…I’m getting a tiny picture of what it must have been like for Abraham when God told him to go where He would show him. I always wondered about what that must have been like for Abraham. My favorite verse during this time is one I believe God gave me when I needed it most: 2 Chron. 16:9…”The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.” This is what He’s been doing for me this year. I pray He does that for each of you.
Congratulations on your steps forward! I feel I am being called to share something, not faith realted, but job and life related (I’m an infant/toddler teacher) and keep putting it off. But your post encouraged me to just do it, to just step out in faith, God has my back and can give me words to say.
God bless you
Thanking you for opening up and telling the truth. Thanking God that I can admit that a teacher, women’s ministry leader, mentor, consultant was mess it up in the very own area of expertise: parenting. Praying for grace to get it right so they will be spared some of the adult pain ans trauma.
How cool!!!!!
Absolutely no pressure . . . but if you have time and desire to hang out while you’re in Denver, I think it would be a blast to meet you and spend some time face to face. Really, though, no pressure. If the filming is enough, or more than enough, I get it. I just want to put it out there.
Celebrating with you!
Oh Bonnie, I will be praying for you as you share your story and your way through your broken heart. I have shared mine many times and it never gets easier being vulnerable, but it is worth it every time. Every time, I connect with myself and God more intimately. Every time, it reminds me of what God has done in my life.
“I can’t outrun my heart” ARE words of TRUTH! I have tried in so many ways like you have. Love you friend. I wish I could be in the room as you share. I am trying to NOT out run my heart and need. I am trying to embrace what is going on and deal with and talk about. Not an easy thing to do. Thank you as always dear friend.
I love that you have this opportunity! I’m an older Mom who helps with Moppetts and I know your honesty will touch many women deep in heart holes worn by life struggles.
As for my own journey to step out–I tried that when I was a young Mom…failed miserably…and found myself back in the ‘little girl alone’ place again.
However, I have had a few recent opportunities…and I abbreviated bits of my story that I felt I could safely share…and wonder…more? how much? timing? where to start? Oh, the jumble within me!
Thank you for sharing out of your jumble and showing us that God never wastes a thing!
I loved this sentence in you post, “We are, after all, little girls, nestled in the arms of Jesus.” Yes, we are, safely snuggled in. God continue to bless you, Bonnie.
God bless you, Joni!
Bonnie,
With every post, I read in awe of our Father’s grace pouring into your broken places. He and we are cheering you on as you lean into Jesus for courage to say yes to this and other nudges to trust Him more. Christ in you is beautiful and amazing.
In answer to your question, being real and sharing is a weekly decision at ladies’ Bible study, where it would be easy to keep my mouth shut or only answer the “safe” questions. I’m also feeling nudged to share a broken story from my past which still carries shame for me. It feels like the time is near or here to shine God’s light into that.
Please, please let your “faith shots” email list know the date of this MOPS talk so we can mark it on our calendars not to forget to pray for you especially that week.
Grace and peace be multiplied to you even more through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord (2 Pet. 1:2).
I’m so overwhelmed by your kindness. Just overwhelmed. Thank you. I will share the MOPS talk for prayer in the Faith Shots email. I hope your Bible Study is opening new avenues for you to share your heart. It is hard, but I can only imagine Jesus sitting next to you, as you feel prompted to share. May He give you voice. And may it open the heart of others.
I’m wearing out. I’m exhausted and sick of being alone and the journey seems to be over, the excitement gone and the traces of God more of a fact than a reality. I’m tired of living for so many years with unmet needs and my screams a whisper nobody seems to hear. I hate being invisible and misunderstood. For almost four years my relationship with Jesus has sustained me and helped me to change. Now I’m sliding back into old addictions, and I’m trying so hard and feeling so guilty because I still believe in Jesus and I still know He is good and I want Him to have the glory. But I have no strength left. An eating disorder is whispering to me again and new scars are on my arms and that voice that tells me that everything about me is wrong and bad and unlovable is getting louder. And it must be true, because I’m not loved anymore. My one safe place isn’t safe anymore. The church that was supposed to be my family doesn’t speak to me anymore. My mom said she doesn’t want to be my mom anymore. And I’m living in this strange big city and trying to keep food on the table and trying not to let the comments get under my skin because the people I work with everyday hate Christians and coming home to a dorm to be surrounded by people and yet desperately alone and suffocating on my own loneliness and unsure if I can ever trust again because the people I’d finally opened my heart to broke it and they were the ones God put in my life who were supposed to keep loving me. And I’m trying so hard to get involved in so many things and spending all my time pouring into other peoples lives, and yet I’m running on empty and there’s nothing to fill me up in my own life. I know I’m supposed to love sacrificially and to love even when it’s not returned, and I’m trying my very hardest but I’m sliding and everyone around me is noticing and they refuse to take my hand before I fall. I spent hours on the ground in the graveyard in the middle of the night a few weeks ago just praying because I didn’t want to live but I knew it would be unloving and selfish to take my life, but I’m so tired of this battle. I’ve run to every resource I can find and none of it is the magical solution they make it out to be. My prayers seem so ineffective and yet I know the truth is that God hears us and He cares. I’ve seen prayer move mountains before but I’m waiting on another miracle. Nobody out there hears me and I’m tempted to believe this post won’t even show up. I have nightmares that won’t go away. It’s hard to separate the past from the present, I know I’m not the girl I used to be and I know it’s bad to dwell on the past and I don’t try to, but for some reason the anxiety has lessened but not left. So many days my pain level is a 12 out of 10 and it seems like an empty cycle of trying to keep the pain locked up inside so I can manage to function and walk through the day pretending to feel fine. Sometimes I need physical pain to control the pain inside. Sometimes I can’t even eat because I feel so sick, or I need painkillers. I’ve had explosive break downs in the past, but they rarely happen and if I can keep the pain under control they shouldn’t happen. I wish someone could hear me and see me. I wish I was loved and I wish I wasn’t alone.
Sarah, it sounds like you are suffering too much. I hope you can find someone who can step you through to healing. I had to find a therapist to help me when it got too painful. And I hope you can find one too. Jesus, help Sarah.
Bonnie you are such an inspiration to me! I am stepping out in faith, doing what I believe God wants me to do. After 12 years at home, I am starting my own business. This is so out of my comfort zone! ! But God is always with us. He never takes us to a place thst is dangerous. He wants us to grow.Blessings to you—-and keep writing.
Lorie, I can’t imagine what a journey this has been for you. I am so happy for you. Know you are not alone.