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Sometimes Giving Thanks Is A Journey To Become Known

By Bonnie Gray • November 21, 2013 • 51 Comments

I won’t be quiet.

Anymore.

Just like the blind beggar who kept calling out to Jesus.

Even though everyone told him to be quiet.

He didn’t stop calling out.

I am finding my way too. To express my heart.  Not just in private. But, out in the open. With others.  Even when critical voices bombard me.

Like the blind man. I want to see.

I want to answer the question Jesus asked the blind man.  “What do you want me to do for you?”

I want to want.

Do you want to want too?

Just like the woman — bleeding for years privately — who reached out from behind the crowd, to touch the hem of His robe.

She didn’t want to be seen. But, she didn’t want the pain any more. So she ventured out. And looked for her opportunity.

Jesus didn’t let her slip away unknown.

Jesus asked, “Who touched me?”.

Jesus didn’t want her to hide. Jesus wanted her to step forward.  To tell her story.

I want to reach out and step forward from anonymity.

Do you want to uncover your story too?

Sometimes

Sometimes, uncovering the story of your heart takes more than good intention and unceasing prayers.  Sometimes, God answers prayers through the steps we take to receive His answers.

Sometimes, after we’ve done all the waiting we could do — it is time to take steps out.  To investigate.  To reach out.  To be heard.  To talk to someone who can understand the journey we are on — and help us navigate the Amazon of our memories, dreams, as well as our losses and wounds when we are stuck.

Rather than turning away from our hearts, we can take steps to move forward into the journey.

Why

“Why would I want to pay someone to listen to me talk?”  a friend asked me.  “It doesn’t seem right, to pay someone so I can talk.”

I was hanging out with a friend who has been experiencing tremendous challenges as a mom caring for a son who is on the journey through autism.  She’s been strong for many years.  Yet lately, she’s been feeling overwhelmed. Exhausted.  More often. Than not.

And like the tide slowly swelling across the ocean depths, her own childhood stories of wounding have been growing and surfacing in her heart.  And her soul feels frayed and body wearing.  Day by day.

She tells me she is doing okay.  But, as our conversation continues, she confides she’s feeling numb a lot.  Do you ever feel that way? She asks.

I tell her that’s exactly how my panic attacks left me.  Numb.  I tell her that is how I feel overwhelmed by anxiety.

And it doesn’t go away.  No matter how much I pray. Read the Bible.  Because God made us with hearts.  That carry stories. And when those stories are left untold, unacknowledged — when the wounded parts of us are buried — our hearts and bodies tell us the truth.

It’s how God made us.

We were never made to suffer alone.

We were never made to be invisible.

Our numbness isn’t a bad thing.

Our numbness points us to the truth.

Our hearts wants to speak.

Official

So, I told her why I finally decided to seek out a therapist. After months and months of fighting it.

I was afraid if I finally sought out a therapist, it would make it official.

I would be officially broken.

I fought with every ounce of my being — to avoid seeing a “professional”.  That’s what people end up saying when regular advice, words of wisdom or encouragement fall short.

Seek out a professional.

Those words spoke like the kiss of death.

But, there was no denying it.  My heart was hurting and my body would not allow me to cope in ways that worked before.

I cried bitterly.

Why would God allow me to fall into such brokenness?

Wasn’t He for my good?

Where was He?

How did He let this happen?

The Amazon

As I wept, feeling so alone, a picture appeared to me.

Of the Amazon river.  Of the Congo.  Of the Amazon jungle.  Would I ever dare embark on a safari in the wild without a safari guide?

Would I ever say, “No thank you.  I don’t need a guide.”?

No. I would definitely hire an expert.  A professional.

To help me navigate.

An expert who has gone down the Amazon river hundreds of times.  In the dark.  In the day.  When it rained. And when it was heat dry.

I would want someone experienced in which plants were poisonous. Which ones were edible.  Who knew how the waters would turn and would guide me where to stop, pitch a tent and rest.  When we would need to push through, even if the water ran wide.

Someone who has guided hundreds down, in and through the jungle.  Who could tell me stories.  And equip me with information.  Someone carried the right tools.  To hack through the thick bushes.  And make a way for me to journey to the other side.

Make the Journey

As I held this picture in my mind, I still fought the current.  I was still paddling up the river like crazy, refusing to give into the push of where anxiety was leading me.

Until I realized maybe that is where Jesus was leading my heart.

To let go.

To trust Him enough.

To seek out a guide.  To navigate the stories of my heart.

Jesus would still do the healing.  Jesus would still be the one to give me wisdom.

He would fill me with His courage.  Give me strength to endure and step onto this deep, dark journey.

This was a journey of suffering — and life-changing intimacy with the Father — that Jesus choses to face when he became a man.

So I made it official.

I would journey through the Amazon of my heart.

A Desire

My first step to find the right therapist — began with a desire.

A desire to investigate my heart.  My story.

A desire to exercise my faith in a new way. To let go.

To follow the current He allowed to rush into my life.

To be courageous in a new way.

I would make it official.

I would take the journey into my heart.  To uncover the truth behind my desire.

I would need new friends for this journey.  At least, I’d have to discover which ones could accompany me on this safari of the soul.

I don’t know where you are on the journey of uncovering the stories in your soul.

I don’t know where you find yourself this Thanksgiving season.  Last year at this time, I was drowning in uncontrollable anxiety.  Depression.  Panic attacks.

I didn’t know how long my journey out would take.  I saw a therapist twice a week and talked for two hours at time.  My heart and body was taken hostage in a time machine of long ago.  I found a therapist who specialized in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).   He was a Christian therapist with a PhD who used EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) as the mode of therapy.  The same therapy used by the State Department used to process vets from the battlefield.

We Can Choose

Even though I had never fought in a war or witnessed any violence or natural disaster, I was a solider in the battlefield of life.

The wounding I experienced took place inside.  Where no one could see.

Aren’t we all soldiers for Christ?

Some of us don’t get to choose the battlefield.

But, we can choose to be loved.  To be carried.

Because that is what Jesus offers us.

To recover our voice.  To take the time.  To embrace every every chapter in our stories.

Trusting there is no place Jesus cannot enter.

To be real.

This Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, I can tell you I’ve taken the soul-wrenching journey to uncover the little girl inside me.

And I can tell you without reservation it has been worth every gut-pouring revelation.

Because now like the blind man, I can see. Things I’ve never seen before.

Like the bleeding woman, I am standing in my story.  I’m no longer anonymous.

And like the ten lepers Jesus told to “Go and show yourselves to the priests” — they were healed as they were walking with their lesions visible and seen.

This is not an easy thing.  Going forward.  As is.

It takes faith.  A courageous faith.

To open up the parts of ourselves we’d rather hide.

To expose ourselves to a new journey of the heart.

But, as we make the turn into Thanksgiving week, let’s remember.

The one leper who went back to thank Jesus was healed — as he journeyed out in the open. As is.

And when he cried out in a loud voice thanking Jesus — he stepped out from anonymity.

He knew what he wanted.

He wanted to tell his story.

He wanted to see Jesus.  Face to face.

He wanted to become known.

Known by Jesus.

~~~~~

Where are you on the journey of uncovering your heart?

What is the story you find yourself journeying through this Thanksgiving season?

Pull up a chair.  Make this place warm with your voice. Click to comment.

~~~~~

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*Today’s Thursday 11/21/13 Writing Prompt: Share a reflection or story about your journey walking through the Thanksgiving season.

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51 Comments

  • Reply tammy@meadows speak November 21, 2013 at 3:28 am

    I gasped when I saw the next writing prompt. I’m a week early. 🙂 So glad you are choosing to share your journey.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 7:12 am

      Just like the first raindrops of fall become a trickle that later turns into a stream, we just follow where God leads our words, right? 🙂 So glad *you* are choosing to share your journey,Tammy!

  • Reply Kadi November 21, 2013 at 5:52 am

    Bonnie, whenever I read your words, I’m so encouraged and I get an extra push to continue this journey God has me on in telling my story…. so THANK YOU!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 7:14 am

      I’m just echoing whatever is already on your heart. Together, we follow where our voice tells the story. With God. And find it leads us to each other. So thankful for your writing, Kadi!

  • Reply ElenaLee November 21, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Bonnie, thanks for this encouragement and for hosting Faith Jam! Your post reminds me of a concept which surprised and delighted me as I read a book called Quivering Daughters by Hillary McFarland. McFarland says that far from a selfish pursuit, seeking healing is actually an act of faith.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 7:41 am

      Hi Elena, That’s an interesting title! And yes, anyone who has had to face the journey will agree: making the choice to heal is definitely an act of faith to trust God will be faithful in that journey.

  • Reply Dorothy November 21, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Oh, Bonnie, you have done it again.

    You have reached into my heart and grabbed the one thing that I have ran away from for many years … addressing those things during my life that have broken my heart, my sprit and me. I have spent many years making excuses for people and those situations.

    Because of the Lord Jesus working through you, I have started to write The Story of Dorothy.

    For Jesus, for me.

    Tears are welling as I type this, I am scared, I am worried. I don’t even want to click ‘submit’ on this comment!

    It might take a day, it might take the rest of my life. But I will rely on God’s strength to work through it.

    ~ Dorothy

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 7:43 am

      Yay! You clicked submit. We hear it and we celebrate with you. We celebrate The Story of Dorothy — the Story Jesus & You. You & Jesus. Writing. Together. Continue to listen to that voice, that Jesus hears, understands and accepts completely. And let her speak.

  • Reply Family Table Talk | Health & Home & Heritage November 21, 2013 at 7:33 am

    […] with the Faith Jam This entry was posted in Faith, Family and tagged Conversation, Family, Thanksgiving by Carol. […]

  • Reply Steve November 21, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Thanksgiving, A time of reflection of family and blessings. This year I look back at were my journey really began. It was in the hidden parts of my heart, in the feeling , the numbness the past that has held me captive. The journey is in the prayer, the faith to walk and experience God. Some times I want this to all be gone, to recieve the divine healing. The Word says, Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past.
    See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not percieve it?
    So being thankful and letting go means through the brokeness and pain. The true me is reaveled, no more masks, no more pretending, no more hiding. But speakinkig, proclaiming, freedom, I ( God ) is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Is 43:18-20. God will use my mess to give a message, there will be beauty for ashes. Bonnie thank you again for opening the pages, and chapters of your life, to encourage and to let us all know. God is faithful, He who has called us into a relationship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1 Corinthians 1:9 I like ElenaLee comment, above healing is an act of faith. It takes faith to continue walking, standing, and being led by the Holy Spirit. Some one once told me, faith is a muscle, it hast to be excercised. Thank you for allowing me to expose my journey of anxiety, pain, and being real. Even though I am a man, I hurt, cry and take each day at a time, knowing that im not alone. I can open the pages of my life here. I agree it takes courages faith, to open our hearts and lives, rather than keep them hidden. Thenk you Bonnie, I pray your thanksgiving will be a reflection of Gods faithfulness, He has carried you to were you are today. I pray blessing and healing over you and your family.

  • Reply Lisa notes November 21, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I so love your Amazon analogy, Bonnie. It makes such perfect sense–of course we’d want a guide. So why are we so stubborn to think we have to go it alone in other areas of life? I’m glad you were wise enough to follow the Guide and trust him with your stories.

    Love this truth:
    “Because God made us with hearts. That carry stories.”

    So glad to have you back in this space, friend.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 9:18 am

      Lisa, you always listen with such heart, friend! And you see deeply into everyday life and write to express the wisdom and insight you gather, like pebbles glistening in the river. (hugs)

  • Reply Cheri November 21, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Bonnie-

    You know how to bring the scriptures alive as you merge the stories of Jesus with the realities of your present life. Reading your writings takes me to a place where I literally feel like I am taking a hike with you through Rancho, sharing how infinite love has reached you and how you are trying to splash it on anyone who passes by. God is using your story, just like he uses the story of the blind man for you, to help people see…He is alive and He love us.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 9:20 am

      I’m grateful for you. My in-the-skin friend and soul friend. You’re on my Real Thanksgiving List. You are beautiful. Just beautiful.

  • Reply Sita November 21, 2013 at 8:39 am

    I also love the Amazon analogy. Yet another post that seems to be tearing the words from my own heart. I was so looking forward to participating in this writing jam and am playing catch-up right now. Dealing with health issues with my aging parents, grief at their and my loss, and financial issues. Thank you for giving me drops of heavenly dew to carry on.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 9:23 am

      Dear Sita, we are always here with open hearts. Always a seat here for you. Even when you don’t write with a pen, we know you are always writing in your heart. Because Jesus is writing in you. So sorry it’s such a heart-heavy time you’re walking through. Find a moment, even if a moment to stop. For you. So glad you stopped here with us. For a moment.

  • Reply Prayer Notes by Cynthia November 21, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Bonnie,
    I agree with you! Talking about our hurts and wounds is a powerful way to begin the healing process. The hurts, weaknesses and doubts lose their fuel and significance. They become our stepping stones, as opposed to our stumbling blocks. Thank you, for sharing Bonnie. You are a blessing~

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 9:23 am

      Cynthia, girl — words just flow from you! “They become our stepping stones, as opposed to our stumbling blocks.” You are a blessing!

  • Reply Dee November 21, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Wounded spirits need healing just like the body, but it seems it’s harder with those spirit wounds. Memories of hurts stop our development if they happen when we are little. If there are years of these hurts, it takes time for them to get better. I remember stumbling like a sleepwalker through those times. Still I have bouts of the returned memories. Mostly, there is a peace with my parents and childhood. I see it all differently now. My parents were hurt also. Life is tough for all of us. Right now, I am struggling with fatigue of which I don’t know the cause. It may be a physical thing this time. Today is better. I’ve gotten back on my diet for diabetes. But I still have a quiet voice that says to me ‘I wish I’d had a normal family–the picture book kind.’ How different I would be had I not had those battles to fight. Hope the holidays are full of blessings dear one. Bon santé, ma petite.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 7:33 pm

      Dee, it never stays the same. A journey goes up and down and sometimes it is open plains. Thanks for sharing.

  • Reply Carol November 21, 2013 at 9:11 am

    The word picture of the Amazon River is so meaningful. We need the guidance of people that have gone before us–and have been gifted by God with skills to help. Yesterday my daughter had a complicated labor that required interventions and skillful judgements. I was very grateful for the team of nurses and her doctor. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl. God answered prayers through the hands of this team.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 9:25 am

      Breathing a sigh of gratitude with you, Carol — congratulations! And so happy to hear your daughter and your grandbaby girl had skillful hands to journey them safe and well through!

  • Reply Sharono November 21, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Absolutely true, we need a guide. Also I have heard of EMDR and it does work. It is different than talk therapy because sometimes the memories stay stuck. They cannot be accessed any other way. So glad you are sharing with others your experience. It is courageous and good … and also helps you to realize how far you have grown.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 9:26 am

      So true, Sharo — we do all need a guide. Yes, EMDR absolutely works. I am a testament to it! 🙂

  • Reply Sharon November 21, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Bonnie, I think you are one of the bravest people I know.

    I have had counseling in the past – and yes, it came after great struggle against it. I thought it was most insightful of you to reveal where that feeling comes from. And yes, you’re right, it comes from an unwillingness to admit and face the brokenness.

    We do need guides in our lives – whether professional or not – and I truly believe God brings them to us. There is no shame in needing help – perhaps only in needing help and not seeking it.

    I celebrate the long journey you have walked in the last year, and I praise God for bringing you to this place in your heart and in your life. You reach me with your words, which I find so very encouraging in my own battles with anxiety.

    GOD BLESS.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 6:57 pm

      Dear Sharon, thanks for sharing a part of your journey here. I celebrate the journey you’ve been on as well! God will be faithful to see us through.

  • Reply Wanda Hays November 21, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Bonnie you are such a blessing. I love being a child of the King ,Jesus. Been struggling with emotional issues for many years and understanding their is a little girl in me but having you share your story is helping me get a handle on expressing what I am experiencing. I stayed so busy trying to support myself and giving myself to help others that I lost me! I shoved hurts,abuse,being taken advantage of because of many talents until I found myself TOTALLY burned out on life! Even as I’ve learned to say No cause my body and mind can’t keep up anymore .You have these people just won’t take no for an answer and keep pushing. I have found that I just have to tell them .I can’t,I’m sick. It’s as if my body and mind have exploded because I can’t take in and process anymore! I stay in pain through my body almost daily and my mind has just shut down. Reading your story has really been a blessing and is helping me unlock and deal with some things. Thank you for sharing your journey!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 6:56 pm

      Dear Wanda, it’s so important to take care of the little girl in us. May God continue to guide you!

  • Reply Mandy November 21, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Love, love, love, Bonnie! This and you. Your words resonate deep with me, and it is clear God is using them to shape my own journey as well.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      Likewise, Mandy! 🙂

  • Reply Ai Boon November 21, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    In response with many thanks:http://scratch.mit.edu/projects/14586913/

    – a gift song from the Lord for you.

    God bless you richly more than you can ever imagine with ministering angels in every season of your life.

    Best rgds,
    Ai Boon

    • Reply Bonnie Gray November 21, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      Ai — what a beautiful, amazing gift from the soul. I’m just speechless. Thank you.

  • Reply Dawn November 21, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    I am quite convinced that you speak straight from my own soul. I’ve been on a journey of uncovering my heart as well. It is terrifying at times and rarely easy but I’m seeing healing in some of the dark crevices. The hardest part is not running and hiding from the unveiling of my soul but staying present and allowing God to heal.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray December 2, 2013 at 4:59 pm

      It is definitely not an easy journey, but it’s worth it. We are worth it. You are worth it. To Him. He loves us. As is. Thanks for sharing, Dawn.

  • Reply Amy Hunt November 22, 2013 at 2:48 am

    “As is.” I think that’s our worship that brings Him the greatest pleasure. To be willing to be, as is.

  • Reply Sherry November 22, 2013 at 5:18 am

    “I want to want.” How many times have I cried that in my soul after years of the numbness! WHEN I did start to feel and want things again (to become alive again) it was bitter-sweet. But I knew that’s just how it would be – to know the good, there must be bad. To know the light, there must be darkness. For without one, we cannot know the other. That was the fear … knowing there would be massive pain. But the faith and hope of healing was ever present.
    Over 10 years later, the process continues. On the emerging part of of my journey I can now say to those with the undescribable numbness that it is NECESSARY for your survival. It is a gift from Abba. Yes, daughters, be thankful in ALL things!
    Shoot … i’m late for work! Blessings to all!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray December 2, 2013 at 4:58 pm

      There is that fear — but it’s so amazing we can share and know we hear the same whispers and are being led to healing. Hope work turned out ok. 😉

  • Reply Katie Randolph November 22, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Dearest Bonnie,

    I am so thrilled for you and your journey! I have prayed for you. My journey is still a hard road.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray December 2, 2013 at 4:57 pm

      Dear Katie, I hope you can find pockets — moments of rest — even if they are moments with Jesus — and others who care for you. I’m taking them right with you on the same journey,friend.

      • Reply Katie December 2, 2013 at 8:54 pm

        Had one tonight full of laughter and girlfriend time, listening to a comedian, eating dessert at Merry and Bright Women’s Ministry Christmas Party. Haven’t laughed in long time. 🙂

        • Reply Bonnie Gray December 4, 2013 at 9:26 am

          Oh, that sounds WONDERFUL! I love laughing. Even if I end up with a snort in between here and there. 😉

  • Reply Ai Boon November 22, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    Hi again,

    I am still thinking about journeys and since this song has just been brewed or scratched, I thought I will share it with all of you. Journeys are exciting events in our lives. They bring us much joy, sometimes sorrow and always something new. At the end of the journey, we can say, “Thank You Lord.” simply because He never lets us walk alone.

    Here is the gift song from the Lord – Walk with Him – http://scratch.mit.edu/projects/14594271/

    May your journey be filled with the joy of the Lord. May each step release the fragrance of His love and may He favour your meetings with such sweet memories that your journey is all the more sweeter for having been made.
    God loves you,

    Ai Boon

  • Reply The power of being seen | kintsugi November 23, 2013 at 7:44 am

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  • Reply tinuviel November 23, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Praising God for the courage He is giving you, Bonnie. I pray He blesses you with a rich Thanksgiving that heals some of the memories of the last one.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray December 2, 2013 at 4:56 pm

      Thanks tinuviel. It’s always wonderful to hear from you. I hope you had a restful time of recovery this past weekend, friend.

  • Reply The power of being seen | kintsugi November 28, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    […] linking up with Bonnie’s Faith Barista Jam today. Bonnie’s words are like milk and honey for the soul (a reflection of the […]

  • Reply Monica T Smith December 2, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Love this post because I am there. Learning to let go, journeying through the dark night of my soul, understanding and embracing the truth that this is part of being and becoming in Christ.

    This journey is hard and lonely because no one can do it for you. But Jesus’s invitation to lay down burdens and rest (Mt 11:28-30) continues to ring in my ears. He makes a promise in these words and I must surrender and trust that He will meet me in the ways that I need to be met, not necessarily in the way(s) I would choose.

    I believe we are called to share our stories in order to give to ourselves and others hope and permission to surrender, rest, move forward, embrace and live fully. May you, I and others bravely accept His gift of rest so that we may know His love and be healed of our brokenness.

    In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
    Monica

    • Reply Bonnie Gray December 2, 2013 at 4:56 pm

      Your words are beautiful… because they are true. And they tell of your story. Thanks for sharing your voice here, Monica. We aren’t alone.

  • Reply Kathy December 5, 2013 at 5:02 am

    It’s my first time to comment here and I’m feeling a little bit hesitant because I don’t know what to say except what you’ve written rings true in my life right now. I feel that I have so many stories that have been unheard and unacknowledged. And I’m at a point in my life where I’m starting to feel the weight of not knowing how to tell them. Unraveling hurts and it’s sad when unraveling feels alone. Finding your space here gives me comfort knowing that maybe I’m not as alone as I think. Thank you Bonnie.

  • Reply a story to tell | the symmetry of life. December 5, 2013 at 5:26 am

    […] questions are straightforward and reach my heart’s core tonight.  Where are you in the journey of uncovering your heart? How is Jesus prompting your heart to be […]

  • Reply What I'm Into {November 2013 Edition} - Sheri Dacon July 13, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    […] Sometimes Giving Thanks Is a Journey to Becoming Known by Bonnie Gray […]

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VOTED 2022 CHRISTIAN BOOK AWARD FINALIST BY ECPA

“In a world crying out for kindess and belonging, this is a book needed for our times. Sweet Like Jasmine is a gift, a beautiful remembrance, that God treasures each of our broken hearts in His sweeping story of redemption.” 

– Ann Voskamp, New York Times bestselling author of The Broken Way

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Compassion International Blogger

Compassion International Blogger

Sometimes it takes more faith for us to enter into a child's story than simply praying that it changes. Experience these stories unscripted.

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