“You are a mighty river. A reservoir for the thirsty soul. My God… the only one who makes me whole.” Jeremiah Jones
I wish he was right here.
Right now.
I wish he was sitting in front of me.
I would feel his arms around me.
And I could just simply cry and cry and cry.
Without having to stop.
He would know what to do. What to say.
And everything would be alright.
But, Jesus isn’t here. Physically.
Jesus lives in my heart.
So, it’s up to me right now.
Will I open my heart?
Will I open it up so wide, I won’t be able to stop the rush of feelings and words pressed up behind the dam in my soul?
This is a dam I’ve constructed oh so long and patiently throughout the years — one stick at a time, carrying one timber, mud, or stone to build a place to live — to protect myself. From hurt. And pain.
It was necessary at the time. To live separated from my heart.
I needed to be careful. What I chose to say. Or do.
I needed to work hard and steadily. No nonsense.
I needed to survive my emotional winters.
The Time Has Come
God made me smart. God made me strong. He helped me to build a lodge, in the middle of a frigid pond — even though it hurt him. Because this wasn’t the life He would have chosen for me.
I’ve asked him — Why? Why me?
I haven’t heard any answers. Just images of His heart breaking for me — through the gray skies blowing in crisp and quiet as autumn tip toes in — through color bleeding out of leaves, giving way to crimson, orange and rust.
God knew one day, I would come to this point in my journey.
The time has come.
For me to break up this dam.
But, I’m not sure I know how.
Because all I’ve ever known is to stay the course.
Not to want too much happiness. Or ask too much out of life.
I mistook my surrender as contentment.
Unstable
I’ve seen myself fall into this pattern of building dams this past month.
As you know, I finally turned in my manuscript at the end of August.
I even took my first airplane trip in two years to Georgia and navigated my first social group interaction in September.
Then in October, I wrapped up my final edits. It’s happening.
I had climbed Mt. Everest and I was on top of the world.
I was out and breathing. It was surreal. I was so happy.
I was inspired to share all my new discoveries. The good, bad and the ugly.
I was so excited to confide in you, all the ways God helped me write.
The tips and inspiration that blew wind into my sails.
And yet, on the days I told myself I would blog, I woke up depressed.
Heaviness.
Fatigue.
Everything I felt inspired to say fell flat.
The critical voices shut me up.
Booooring.
Who would want to read that?
Are serious? You think you’re all that?
That’s already been said.
Now, why would you want to tell anyone that?
So, I retreated. Behind the safety of a dam. To wait things out.
So I don’t have to sound so… unstable.
Happy one day. Sad the next.
I asked my therapist, Dr. P. Hey, didn’t I just write a whole book? Haven’t I graduated from this wholeness journeying? Why am I still struggling?
A Good Sign
Instead, Dr. P tells me this is all a good sign.
It means I’m finally living out of my whole heart.
Because the easier thing to do is nothing.
Then I would never want or struggle.
But, I would never be real.
I’m learning my journey to joy doesn’t happen in the absence of loneliness, sadness or fear.
I’m learning contentment is surrendering to — all — God has for me.
Every time I take apart the dam I’ve built for myself, both the refuse and the flow of the river will break free together.
Every time we move towards becoming free — to open our hearts — we will experience resistance.
We will want to retreat.
But, we need to step into the opposite direction.
Forward.
Because the joy-me and the wounded-me are one and the same.
Holding Onto Both
Holding onto both — what makes us and breaks us — is not being unstable.
Maybe that’s just what we’ve told ourselves when we’ve been rejected or ignored, when there was no one to love us and say, “You’re gonna be okay. I will take care of you. I am here for you.”
You and I can wake up one day inspired to make this day different.
And yet, we can wake up the next day feeling discouraged to the core.
Both are true.
It’s called walking by faith.
When we open our hearts, life will not be predictable.
But, we will become real.
It’s the way Jesus describes the Kingdom of heaven — a wild mustard plant, a crawling weed, taking over a field.
“The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed,
which a man took
and planted
in his field.Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows,
it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree,
so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches.”
Matthew 13:31
We may not be able to control how faith breaks up the soil, in order to bring new life and changes.
Life is wild.
But, we have the choice —
to plant the seed, friends.
in the field of our hearts.
No matter how tiny, small, fragile or insignificant it looks or feels.
Plant your seed.
Right Where We’re At
I realize I can’t wait until life is predictable enough — until I no longer struggle — before I plant my seeds.
Neither can you.
God is calling us to stop building dams for ourselves — and start planting in the fields right where we’re at.
Even though we have no idea which ones will grow. And which ones will die. God does.
Try some new things with me, as you feel led?
Join me in this next phase of my faith journey as I dare to open my heart —
to try some new things,
to write about some new topics of faith,
and explore some new ideas to nurture my soul and give voice to the real me.
Jesus is here after all. Physically. Living in you. And me.
Let’s help each other.
I know I can’t do it alone.
And you know what? I know I’m healing because there’s a new truth dawning in my heart:
I don’t want to do it alone anymore.
~~~~~
What is the one seed God has placed into your hands?
What is the field you find yourself standing in right now — as you rest, heal, rebuild, celebrate or dream?
Pull up a chair. I feel at home hearing your share. Click to comment.
~~~~~
Save The Date
Psst… Save the Date. November 14. Thursday.
I’m getting the Faith Barista Bar ready to open up again, friends. Get ready.
I’m lining up some fresh new writing prompts for us, so we can swap stories in a weekly Blog Link-up called Faith Jams. Click to read more.
No matter whether you’re new to blogging, felt stuck for a while, or you’ve already found your groove, let’s open our hearts together, yes?
I’ll be serving up our first faith prompt this Thursday 11/7. You’ll let the topic soak in your heart, then publish your post the following Thursday and link up to share it with us.
And if you’d like to write to express your heart – journaling or blogging — but not sure how to begin? Click here to sign up for more information.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** Don’t miss! ** If you are new to Faith Barista, I’d like welcome you here.Click to subscribe by email and get each post in this series served up hot and fresh directly in your mailbox.
Photo credit: Photobucket.
38 Comments
Praying for you, Bonnie. You will climb the mountain.
My mustard seed is to welcome friends and family, who are in need of a place to regroup and refresh, to come stay at our home (His home).
While my heart is happy in the welcoming, fear creeps in as I wonder if I have the energy to be all I need to be for those coming this month. I also have challenges believing God will provide financially during this season of a one income household. He is always faithful, but still I let fear and doubt creep in.
I am leaving for Uganda on Sunday.
To return to a dream that looks like a pile of smoldering ashes right now.
I’ve heard what God does with ashes.
And that is the seed of faith I hold in my hand right now.
It’s enough, right?
To take Him at His Word and just step forward?
It’s all I can do for now..
God gives you a crown of beauty for ashes….thank you for reminding me of that word, Julie. Everyday for the last several months, I’ve woken up in graduate school with nothing but doubts about what I could possibly add to the world. I’ve moved so far from what I started out doing, and now I just don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to be doing at times.
All the things that you’ve shared with us over the last several months have been so helpful for me Bonnie. As a woman of faith, I sometimes feel that I’m not allowed to stumble, or doubt, or be afraid. But then I don’t know what to do when I have moments during which that’s the only thing in my heart.
Your truth gives me the courage to live out my own. So thank you for that. None of this is a linear or obvious process, but to know that God is with me is more than enough. I know that God is, especially when I have the opportunity to see other kind folks wrestling with similar experiences.
“Holding onto both — what makes us and breaks us — is not being unstable.” Love this!!!
I’m fighting to believe and live out of this truth. On the same journey to embrace the whole, make daily choices to feel and not numb, reject the voices I hear in my heart and the glances that leave me creating scripts.
Planting seeds of Real words, True words and believing with my whole heart that the struggle amplifies the beauty.
http://marcyholder.com/2013/10/31/31-days-of-growing-up-the-day-rain-washes-away-unreal/
Bonnie,
I’m so glad you’re back and that you have climbed the mountain. Don’t worry that everything has to be polished and pretty in order to write. Some of our most pure moments come when we are dealing with pain. Write through the brokenness! Love your heart and your words…
Be blessed,
Bev
What a beautiful post Bonnie! Thank you! You’ve summed up how I too have been feeling since recovering from clinical depression – a great reminder to walk by faith everyday no matter your mood!
Thank you Bonnie, seeds I have learned over the past few months also. Cleaning the garden, my heart, the soil being tilled up, so the seed can take root. I thank you for being so honest, the faith walk is a journey. Your writings are incredible, i pray for hour healing. Like you I can’t do this alone, but we all know Jesus is with us, replacing the thorny plants in side us with new seed. My seed is love, I’m learning to let God in, and let a love I’ve never experienced or had a view of love being pain an distrust. That is my seed, believing through the fear and anxiety, Jesus loves me, and will continue to till up the soil, my heart. Yes Lord why me ? Why now ? He answers I am with you, mighty man of valor. Judges 6:12. That’s how God see all of us. I encourage you to continue to write, your post have been right on time for me. I will gladly pull up a chair and walk this faith journey with you. Thank you Bonnie, you inspire me. I can so relate to your journey. I’m 7 months onto this some times I’m not sure what to do, what step to take
I do know God knows what he is doing. Jesus went to the cross for our victory, not for survival.
Bonnie!
Planting seeds of Love from God in the field of my family first. Three live with me, each going through a hard time. To write of this feels like breaking confidences so I won’t. But, I am encouraged by your analogy to the damn. Many times I want to quit, I wake early and pray desperately. This is the downside to my word of the year: dependently.
Confession. I am learning how much I want to throw my love seeds to other fields! Disciplining my heart. After I fasted one day because my stomach was just in such knots that I was always burping, I realized what it meant to serve Jesus through serving my three. Stomach calmed (all that good water and a day off from digesting!) and attitude relieved. But it’s been another hard week since then and the time change really helped me with just one more hour of rest! Now a new week, and while I can acknowledge those moments of wanting to quit (despair?) I can also hold my key of the promises of God which unlock any door in the castle of Despair (we’ve been reading Pilgrim’s Progress in the homeschool English class I’m teaching, and sister-in-law sent a key from her stash).
Thank you Bonnie, for being a major encouragement to my own writing journey. I’d better go drop a seed in one of my three now.
Love,
Beth
Thank you, Bonnie for your transparency and courage. My seed is going forward with the women’s ministry that God has laid on my heart. It has been blossoming into a huge tree that overwhelms me. I keep telling myself I can do this through Him, but I keep hearing that voice that says, “Who would want to hear what you have to say, especially since it has already been said and done by others?”
So I stay in this place of comfort and safe-keeping, a place that I have been in for a long time. I want out, but taking the steps forward is really hard and at times I feel paralyzed by doubt and fear. The doubt is what I wish would disappear, but it doesn’t. I know going forward will take lots of deep breaths and trust in God. Knowing there are others who are also on this journey of healing, freedom and courage really helps.
Thanks again.
Monica
No real words of wisdom, just want you to know that I’m here 🙂
I love your words about this journey … it is real. It is not a pretending that life is ‘great’ when it is not. It is honest and down to authentic reality where we all can read and understand and agree. You will push through this and after that pushing you will birth a new and deeper life and you are in process. Praying for you in that…process. I have been where you are and it is a long road but good. hang in there and cling to the one who gives you strength.
I am so incredibly happy for you that you are moving down this road of healing and dam-breaking. And I’m so thankful that you are taking so many of us readers with you. I too have had to invest a huge part of myself in the process of healing and breaking free of the chains that held me captive from emotional injuries caused by those who should have loved me most. And though I’ve been at the healing process for many years, I am finding that there are still more walls to break down and hurt places to heal and walking with you on your journey is aiding in my continued healing too.
I had spent a lifetime hiding from everyone including myself and one of the things I needed more than anything as I took the risk to heal was the assurance that God loved the broken me and I didn’t have to hide with Him. I needed to love the broken me and be okay with being me. I didn’t want my wounds and scars or the pain that went with them. So I spent a lifetime pretending they weren’t there until it was more paintful to hide than it was to heal. As it has always been hard for me to truly identify my feelings, I found great comfort and release in songs that spoke what I too often couldn’t articulate on my own. One song that speaks to my soul is “The Real Me” by Natalie Grant. We truly have a savior who loves us profoundly even in the midst of our failures and brokenness. Knowing that… at the deepest core of my soul… has helped set me free. Some of the lyrics are…”You see, the real me, hiding in my skin, broken from within, unveil me completely, I’m loosening my grasp, there’s no need to mask, my frailty, cause you see the real me, and You love me just as I am. Wonderful, Beautiful, is what you see, when you look at me.”
May we all find peace and rest in his never-ending love and grace, and may we continually find the courage to keep moving forward into the pastures of healing when it would be much easier to retreat behind the safety of our self-made walls.”
Bonnie,
I ALWAYS look forward to your posts. I don’t say that to necessarily encourage you, but rather, the raw honesty of your writing gives me fresh courage to face my own fears about writing. Your writing reminds me of a quote I have on my desk by Donald Miller “What I like about the bible is that it doesn’t clean up history.” I love that you don’t scrub away the real stuff (history) of your journey. Those are the parts that make you so trustworthy to read.
Grateful for your courageous heart and spirit!
Lucy
Fremont CA
“So I don’t have to sound so… unstable. Happy one day. Sad the next.” Right there, what you said. Just yesterday I was thinking the same about my own writing, up and down, uuuuppp and way down down. And I’m happy-clappy reading what the therapist said about it, because that’s how it feels, healing. I’ve come to realize that wholeness is ALLOWING myself to feel all of it versus the constant shoving of unpleasant-ness aside. But it’s painfully different.
Thank you, Bonnie. Thank you for stepping out in faith. It’s welcoming freedom into the lives of your readers. I praise God for your voice, as it’s struck so many familiar chords within me. I’m so glad you invited us in. <3
Bonnie,
I have heard the same words in my mind. No on wants to hear. You aren’t really all that. For so long “I mistook my surrender as contentment.” I could be ok as long as I was not given to writing fanciful things above my pay grade. So many years of that “surrender” left my heart deflated and dead. Over time God has been showing me just how He made me. He is giving me, day by day, a better understanding of just what HE created me for, and how if someone is SUPPOSED to read what I write, they will, and if not, then ok, I was obedient.
I am blessed to be on this journey along with you and many others. God is revealing our true selves to us, and using each other to do it. Thank you for your obedience.
You, my dear, Are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.
Unconditional love. To do the very thing that I need. And walk it like I have for a long while now. Not knowing what seeds took and what ones may not have. Waiting. Watching. Believing that something amazing will grow. A potato can’t come from a seed of corn. We sow what we desire to reap. Believing that even though I see no evidence of what shall be, it’s still there. Faith of what is not yet seen.
Hi Bonnie. Thank you for your writing. Sometimes it seems that what Paul said about the Body of Christ… we feel what the other feels… Just yesterday morning I was writing about how God is breaking down some pretty old walls. Showing me how denial has hidden the truth in my heart. But I’m finding out fear had no substance. I opened my heart to my husband about all that I’ve hidden from others and from myself especially. But like you said … God knew when I’d be ready to look at who I really am. He had to assure me first of the greatness of His love and acceptance… that I am accepted, forgiven, and standing in complete righteousness in Christ… I had to be convinced first. Because it was always fear of rejection, abandonment, and abuse if I didn’t measure up…why I hid in the first place. You’re title caught my eye/heart… about tearing down… walls that have kept the real me hidden and afraid. I kept hearing the words ‘tearing down, before building it right’…Just recent, have experienced the breakdown and destruction of one so dear to me… my own child. Then it seemed the Lord took me to Jeremiah … the very verse 1:10 this morning… about on how the Lord restores… first root out, tear down… we are learning how it comes to us, so we can help others, and maybe even our country. How death leads to life. Hallelujah.
Bonnie,
I read my grandson The Velveteen Rabbit this weekend . ..and it reminded me of a couple of things – becoming real isn’t easy, it involves opening up to others, allowing oneself to be loved, to realize we won’t be like everyone else . .when we ‘real” we’re worn, shabby . . .
and i thought about life’s trials – and there have been many and how they have helped me grow in knowledge, wisdom, love and increased my faith and trust in God . to be honest there were some trial’s i wish I never had to face – they were so painful. and there have been times i wished i could hear the voice of God – clearly . .there were times i wish He physically would hold me… This journey can be exhausting.
But i have learned something – these trials, well some of them i feel i am making progress on . . .and then all of the sudden something happens – a story in the news, a picture, a memory, they come, unexpected and just tear at my heart – all of the sudden i can’t breathe, the tears come. when that happens i stop and find a quiet place to evaluate where and how the “attack” happens….is it Satan trying to keep me living in fear or depression, keeping me from doing what God intends, is it God reminding me of where i have been and where i am going? is it Him reminding me that i am trying to hard to stand on my own that i need to come back to Him? so, i guess what i want to say, is that you will still have those moments, those days when the pain will be overwhelming. some days you may need to get extra rest and find time to draw near to God . . .other times you will need to say (audibly) Satan, your not gonna win – this isn’t easy, but you aren’t going to keep me from on with my life!
you are an inspiration to me and so many… your honesty, your gift of writing in a way that touches hearts, your courage….you are a blessing!
Can I just personally thank you Bonnie? I’ve followed your story for a short while and in that short time it’s been such a blessing to know someone else is on a similar journey.
God has tugged and tugged on me to start writing again (a passion of mine that I’d left behind once motherhood began). I recently started my own blog and I’m fighting the negative chatter and just the overall fear of stepping out and sharing my experiences.
I’ve seen how far you’ve come in your journey and it gives me hope and determination that I can trudge through the muck of the past and be transformed into who God has called me to be.
Thank you!
Once again, your words have struck a beautiful chord in my heart. I’ve also had a set-back, a renewal of depression and feel like hiding again until I feel stronger. I am so grateful for your ministry Bonnie, as you show us what God is doing in your life. Blessings to you.
Thank you for this. it is easy for me to hide behind the safe places too. We are on a journey to adopting another child and because of the past, it is hard to trust this process completely. To trust that we won’t end up broken hearted again and so on. It is a battle to give this up to God- surrender it all and be content with where he is leading us because we have no idea where we are going! I appreciated this post!
Bonnie, I don’t quite know what to say. You have so perfectly said what my heart has been saying lately. You have put words to my feelings. You have captured the secret thoughts that have been so hard to express. Thank you.
I felt so encouraged as I read this. I have recently had a bout of great discouragement, serious dissatisfaction with my life. I have been very uncomfortable *in my own skin* and felt lost, lonely, and left behind.
Your words…balm to my spirit.
God is there, I feel Him – and I am waiting for Him to fill my hands with new seed to plant in new fields.
GOD BLESS!
Oh Bonnie, I was so excited to see there was a post written in my in box from you. One thing you wrote that resonated with me was when you mentioned you didn’t expect happiness in life; just surrender. You know sometimes that’s how I feel. But I want to surrender the life Jesus has for me in the now. I think just going through these past few years of intense upheaval has caused me to not know what to expect next. But I do want to walk by faith and so I trust Him.
I’m looking forward to the first Thursday when you give us a writing prompt. I’ve missed them. Please know that you are being prayed for Bonnie. And I can’t wait to read your book.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your journey, Bonnie. I needed those words today.
You’re not alone, Bonnie. I, too, struggle with being in between knowing that I’m better than I used to be—yet feeling I’m nowhere close to what I want to be. And not feeling whole is one of the most frustrating parts of my journey. God has invited me to share my story with others, yet I struggle with opening my heart for everyone to see it. I’ve hidden my heart for so long that it’s like playing tug-of-war with my emotions when I try to do otherwise (whether it’s through my blog or with other people). Deep down, I want everything to be perfect, but I’m slowly learning to embrace the imperfect me (and my imperfect past). With that said, continue to move forward. You’re inspiring so many others to step out on faith and do the same!
Thank you for this post today, Bonnie — I’ve been in a similar place for the last couple of months and only just these last couple of days started to realize it. Going to bed at night with plans for what to do tomorrow, how to change my outlook, etc. – and then waking up in the morning depressed, and hopeless — not even wanting to leave the house because I didn’t want to deal with any part of day to day life.
As always — it wasn’t chance or happenstance that I read this post tonight — right when I was asking the Lord “Why do I feel this way? How can I ‘snap out of it’?”
Good or bad, highs or lows —- even at our lowest point — His grace, His love —- it’s overwhelmingly sufficient for us. We don’t have to understand it —- we don’t even really have to see the proof — we just have to have faith and trust. He holds the entire universe together —- and yet we allow ourselves to think that somehow, what we’re going through isn’t in His control.
“His eye is on the sparrow…..and I know, he watches me….”
Wow, this is so very RIGHT where I’m at. Thank you so much. I’m planting my own field right now in my Year of 30 project. I’m learning how to flourish, I’m allowing myself the time and the space to heal, I’m giving myself the grace to grieve – and I’m posting all about it to all of my friends (and strangers) on my blog – a crazy thing for this introvert. God is doing amazing things inside my heart and soul; He is asking me to share these things, and He is giving me the strength everyday to actually do just that. He is breaking up my heart and breaking open the dams. It’s so scary. But He is here; He is carrying me and loving me. And I’ve been blessed enough to see how He is moving in other people’s lives because of it. The Body of Christ building itself up – it can only be done if we open ourselves to one another and let God do the scary stuff, the scary breaking up stuff. Thank you for sharing.
Once again, I identify so much with what you’ve written. I need to start breaking down the dams I’ve built. Love you, so much, friend. Praying for you. <3
“When we open our hearts, life will not be predictable.
But, we will become real.” This is powerful stuff, Bonnie. Wonderful to have you breaking down the dam and walking with others in freedom’s light.
You have no idea how much I needed this. Today. At a breaking point. Thank you for being the one to speak beautiful truth that I desperately needed to hear. I needed to know I was not alone in these feelings, this very same journey. You were God’s voice to me today.
Your words touch my heart, I so appreciate your truthfulness, your willingness to share your story, your fears, your dreams. I pray for peace and rest for you that you will be confident, knowing that God is/will carry you through, he is right by your side.
I pray that one day I too can come to a place where I can have total freedom. Thank you for being an inspiration to all of us.
I am holding a seed of grace, unending and unmeasurable, and especially undeserved. My field is our family relationships, and it’s not pretty….rutted and ruined, with spots of green. I need to plant seeds of grace in each family member so they can emerge in their time, and the field can be alive and beautiful once again.
Thank you, Bonnie, for planting your seed and sharing you with us! Your journey is your story and we are blessed by God working through you.
[…] To follow the current He has allowed to rush into my life. […]
Thanks for your honesty and openness – thats what makes this my favorite blog:)
I like being in control and following the “rules”, but i feel like God is challenging me to share Jesus with a friend…even though it is dangerous territory since this guy happens to be interested in more than friendship with me. I’ve lived a very contented life as a single through my 20’s & 30’s, building up walls, protecting myself from rejection, enjoying fun times with my single girlfriends, but the past couple years God has brought me brokenness through a major life change, and a friendship that is no more. I have come to greater dependance on God, to see my weakness and failure – and know His forgiveness and strength. So I am praying again for God’s strength and His glory as I share Jesus with no expectations, but a knowledge that the One who made me is able to guard my heart and keep me safe.
Yes, our hearts are the most important parts of us. What a wonderful prayer going into the new year, Becca!