“The essence of belief is to venture forth in faith where reason cannot take us.” Ian Strachan
One of the things I’ve always longed to be was normal. Like everyone else.
Growing up, I’d look at other loving families and I’d wish for one — the same way I wished for a sunny house with carpet so lush, it’d track footprints no matter how softly you’d tip-toe across the living room — nestled behind a front yard with grass green enough to run through the sprinklers barefoot and a nice smooth driveway, wide enough to ride my bike down and circle back in a figure eight.
I didn’t know it back then.
But, what I really longed for really wasn’t a house.
What I was dreaming of was home.
Where I can always belong. To fit in. To have a place.
Where I could feel at ease — at being me.
And be completely loved, cherished and accepted while discovering the world.
This dream was big and beautiful — unexpressed — but totally, completely all-consuming my little heart.
But, how does one find home?
Normal
Two and a half years ago, I started my journey of writing a book, thinking I was finally making my way home.
My second son CJ had just been born. I felt I had somehow made it.
I survived my childhood. I had grown up, put myself through college, became a working professional, gave birth to two beautiful boys with a loving husband by my side.
I was finally safe.
I was finally normal.
Yet, the one thing I reached for as I breathed a sigh of gratitude and relief — as I settled into my life as a stay-at-home mom — my writing — became the very thing that launched me into debilitating anxiety I had never experienced before in my life.
Why would God take the one thing that has always been my safety — my normal — away from me?
How has the one thing that has given me comfort, solace and joy become the very trigger for my pain and distress?
Is this where dreams are to be born?
Or is this the way dreams die?
How Could This Be?
I close my eyes. And I imagine her voice.
She’s never felt such panic before. She’s always known it would be hard. But, she’s never felt such pain. She’s scared. Because the woman telling her to push isn’t the familiar face she’s seen time and again. The woman by her side isn’t her mother.
Her body is trembling from contractions seizing her body, punctuating her breath.
The manger is cold. Damp. Dirty. This isn’t where babies are born.
She wasn’t home.
I know the Scriptures don’t tell us what Mary — the mother of baby Jesus — is thinking or feeling that first Christmas night. But, I imagine being there. Kneeling beside her. Allowing her to grip my hands.
And I imagine what might Mary — who asked the Angel Gabriel, “How could this be?” when she first heard about God’s plans for her — be feeling in those long, arduous hours of labor giving birth.
Even though Mary trusted in God wholeheartedly and surrendered herself with the words — “Let it be done unto me just as you have said.” (Lk 1:38) — could her heart have echoed —
Is this where I’m to give birth to the Son of the Most High?
Is this where dreams are to be born?
Could these be questions running through Mary’s mind as she laid in a manger?
Far away from everything and everyone she knew?
No Longer a Place
And after seeing magi bow and open treasures of gold, frankincense and myrrh, did she feel exhiliration at the idea of returning home with such news?
How did she feel the next day packing to leave — for Egypt?
She was going to raise her baby Jesus alone with Joseph.
In a foreign land.
In a different way.
This was not normal.
But, it was God’s way of safety.
Home would no longer become a place.
Home was wherever God led her.
Home was her heart.
Home was wherever Jesus was growing live.
In her arms.
Wrapped around her bosom.
Her life would never, ever be the same.
Never The Same
Even when she returned back to Nazareth, Mary was never the same again.
Mary pondered everything in her heart.
Where are dreams born?
Out of her womb, Jesus came alive into the world.
Deep in her being, The Holy Spirit made a home in her.
Her heart became his home.
I don’t know what waits ahead of me next year.
I’ve lived through enough suffering and healing to know that I cannot predict or control what will happen.
Because the life God has for us goes beyond normal.
The beautiful life taking shape in us is chartered by faith.
Because the home God has secured for us isn’t found in any person, place or thing.
The home God is making resides in you. And me.
He is making our hearts completely His.
Where Dreams Are Born
I don’t think we ever stop longing for home.
We were made to crave belonging.
To be at ease. To be cherished, treasured and loved. As we are.
Because of Christmas, we have new places of safety. Homes in each of our hearts.
We can find refuge in each other. Because in you, is Christ. And in me, is Christ.
When we find ourselves on the journey of life —
in unexpected places
laboring to give birth to a dream, or
scared, uncertain, yet exhilirated because of the new life pushing out us,
we don’t have to look for normal.
Could God be making a way of safety for you, even if doesn’t look the way dreams ought to be born?
We can find a home.
We have Jesus.
Wrapped around our hearts.
We have Jesus.
Connecting us to each other.
We have Christmas.
Where are dreams born?
In you and me.
~~~~~
Which character in the Christmas Story speaks most deeply with you?
How is God guiding you to take next steps on your journey to give birth to a dream?
Pull up a chair. I’ve got some peppermint mocha for you today.Click to comment.
{ Psst… If you have a friend who is also on the journey to birth a dream, drop them a note. Let them know you’re thinking of them. Your words can offer the encouragement and warmth of home to them. }
~~~~~
One Word for 2014
I’m wishing you a Merry Christmas today. Because our next Faith Jam will take place in the new year. January 9, 2014.
Will you take those first steps with me? Let’s turn a new chapter on the journey faith together.
Think: What is your One Word for 2014?
Sshh… don’t tell me yours just yet. Let’s prayerfully ask God to place one word on our hearts for the new year.
Our 1/9/14 writing prompt will be: One Word for 2014
Let’s open our hearts to the stories taking shape in us today. I’m so grateful we can give voice to our first words in the new year. Together. Here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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*Today’s Thursday 12/19/13 Writing prompt:
*Next Thursday is *January* 1/9/15 Writing prompt (No Faith Jam on Christmas or New Year): What is your One Word for 2014?
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26 Comments
Wow, thanks for this post Bonnie. I have read many articles about what home means, but never read anything like that. Bring a fresh new perspective to it for me. I have just left my home and trying to create it somewhere else. I never really thought of Mary’s experience in that way, but it helps being he fresh and clear perspective. Thanks.
I’m sorry it’s been a time of leaving home for you… but feel thankful that something I’ve shared has brought the truth of the home that is truly yours and mine. And for that, we are not alone. Merry Christmas, Janelle. And may you continue to feel renewed in the feeling of the true Home Jesus has made in you. Thanks for sharing.
Oh Bonnie, SO perfect! Your writing. Your perspective on normal and home. You.
Thanks so much for these thoughts… They touched my heart. I don’t think of a place as home anymore, and long only for heaven to fill that space… I can’t imagine that peace… And can’t wait for it…
I’m sharing, and praying.
I am confused that you speak of the Magi visiting the manger. I have heard many times that theologians say that was at least a couple of years after Jesus birth.
Yes, Renee. Thanks for asking. The magi did find Jesus after his birth, no longer in the manger. I just did a general reflection on a few moments from Mary’s first motherhood experiences and did not provide that detail. What a journey of faith those first years must have been for her before the magi came.
Thank you Bonnie for your post this am. It was exactly what my Soul yearned to hear. Our home is found in Christ alone.
“The beautiful life taking shape in us is chartered by faith.
Because the home God has secured for us isn’t found in any person, place or thing.
The home God is making resides in you. And me.
He is making our hearts completely His.”
Merry Christmas All!
Bonnie, thank you for this. Thank you for the reminder that Mary, even though she had submitted to God’s will for her life, probably would have wondered, “Is this where dreams are born?” I’m in that place right now, and your words are a very welcome encouragement.
I’m still working on my post for this link up, but I’ll be back to add it! 🙂
Mary has always spoken to me because of her obedience. The Christian life is one of joy, love, peace; but also of obedience. To be completely surrendered to God, just like Mary was. I struggle with that. I have always been in control (or thought I was in control!), and to surrender my will to God has been one of my biggest spiritual challenges.
Oh how I have longed to be normal my whole life. And how I have searched for home even in though I had what most people would say a ‘normal” family.
Your words are much needed, and comforting to this child finally finding home in Papa’s arms, with the best Big brother anyone could ask for.
As always Thank You!
This really speaks to me:
“…In a foreign land…In a different way.
This was not normal…But, it was God’s way of safety…Home would no longer become a place.
Home was wherever God led her.
Home was her heart.
Home was wherever Jesus was growing live.
In her arms.
Wrapped around her bosom.
Her life would never, ever be the same…”
I have fleet and lived like an alien for so long in a land that I have felt ‘tolerates’ my presence.
In my country of birth there is this constant sparring between ‘races’ that hurt.
I don’t know where I belong. We’ve never had our own ‘home’ as I wait, wait for that elusive place that we will probably never be able to afford. We’ve moved 12 times since we’ve been married.
So your words are needed to point me to establishing ‘home’ in my heart, where Jesus resides.
I’ve become so numb. I want to ‘feel’ His Presence again. Please pray for that for me.
Thank you, Bonnie.
*I have felt*
I loved today’s post – because as an adult I haven’t had a “home” to call my own. I grew up primarily in one home. In my mind I still remember every inch of that home. There is pain and hurt remembered in that home – but also comfort and healing – learning to survive.
My husband and I are both in ministry positions and we have lived in parsonages – never owning our own home (and sadly won’t be able to afford one in retirement). I have always longed for my own home – to me it symbolizes security. My husband’s faith takes him to what you wrote about today. Being at home with Jesus, trusting Him for his security, I pray that my faith grow to where I trust Him more deeply with my future, with my security,
I’ve always loved Mary – her faith, her trust, her selflessness. to say, whatever You want, wherever You lead, whatever You ask – Lord, I am Yours. oh, how I love her. I pray I can be more like her!
I have picked my word for 2014 . . .I can’t wait until we all share them. I remember last year reading what others choose and being challenged by what they shared! maybe, do you think, we can share last years word and how it changed us or helped us in our journey?
Just Another Day…….?????????
Entrenched in ice, my one love maneuvers the SUV down the slippery hills, rushing to get me to my ONE LOVE JESUS, Savior and Redeemer.
Exposed in the Sacred Monstrance in Church, Jesus looks at me and I at Him……
I give You my heart Lord, I give You my life Lord…..I have been travelling these weeks of Advent, emptying out the rubbish within…..sweeping house to prepare for You.
And the words of my one love, always and forever, resounds in my ear…”it is just another day”.
Christmas! Just another day…..????
No, my one love…..not just another day……….
With heart broken open wide….. all of the deaths, and abuses, and nightmares and gut wrenching words spewed forth………. These will be laid down at the manger and carried to the Cross.
With hands open, unclenched, maybe for the first time in my life…
I wait for you my ONE LOVE JESUS……, Savior and Redeemer.
l want to hold you to my heart, cup your face with my hands, shower you with kisses on Christmas morning…..
Just another day…?????
Dawn at Christmas brings the Miracle I ache for….the ONE LOVE JESUS, SAVIOR, AND REDEEMER……….my Lord who enters more deeply into this broken heart.
The babe that I will sing soft words of love to, as His gaze will melt the black hole memories………
Oh Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, You birth Peace, and promised over me that I, too, would be a Peace- Maker, smiling as I was Christened into Your life.
Just another day…?????
Christmas…the Day of Miracles! The Day God came to us through Mary’s YES!
The day that begins the journey from the manger to the Cross, to the Miracle of Resurrection!
No, not just another day my one love, always and forever……
CHRISTmas Day!!!!! The Day the Morning Star illuminates the darkness ……the Day, the Miracle of God-With-Us….
Jesus is Born….into our hearts on CHRISTmas Day!
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life”
(John 3:16)
The Angels will rejoice…………..at the Miracle of God’s birth, as I will be spilling down tears of the Miracle given…. opened and embraced………
The wee one, holding the wee one………..
The Miracle given…the Miracle received!
Everything IS Grace,
the wee one
Thank you so much of the reminder that home is not where we live, home is our temple that the holy spirit dwells in it and I pray that with his grace and mercy that I would make it a home that is welcome for my Lord and Savior. We all know this, but there is never too many reminders.
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My favorite character in the Christmas story continues to be baby Jesus. I still can’t wrap my head around the humble love of God – that He *chose* to become a helpless and vulnerable human. This fact, more than almost anything about Him, makes Him safe for the little girl inside of me.
I want to cuddle the baby, and watch Him grow. And though I could never bear to watch the sorrows and rejection and death that would come His way, I will always be moved by the fact that He did it for me.
GOD BLESS!
And Merry CHRISTmas, Bonnie!
Bonnie, you’ve written with such insight, in beautiful, poetic prose. Thank you for reminding us that HOME is in our hearts, where Jesus resides. He is with us in spirit wherever we are in body. Thank you also for your thought-provoking picture of Mary, as she struggled to give birth away from HOME, in difficult circumstances. Not even the mother of the Son of God had it easy! ‘Makes me realize: As much as we may desire to live in an idyllic Thomas Kincaid cottage, God rarely grants that gift. He wants us to look inward for our HOME–to him, the only One who can give lasting peace and joy.
“When we find ourselves on the journey of life –
in unexpected places
laboring to give birth to a dream, or
scared, uncertain, yet exhilirated because of the new life pushing out us,
we don’t have to look for normal.”
Love this! Thank you Bonnie 🙂
Have a peace filled and blessed Christmas!
Hi. I’ve never commented here before, but I’ve read your posts for awhile. I’m unsure what you’ve gone through–I don’t know if it’s something you’ve specifically shared or just alluded to out of a desire for privacy. I have come from a very damaged place to a pretty good place, and am more of a dreamer than a writer, though I aspire to the second. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I wonder how you overcame anxiety to the extent that you needed in order to write a book? I envy you.
This is such a beautiful post – thank you for such depth of insight of what it must have been like for Mary and what God might be doing in each of our lives! This is especially poignant right now at Christmas. I know I will be thinking about it a lot! I have always loved looking at decorating books since they offer a sort of magical place that I wanted to be a part of but I realized that it really is home I long for and I believe it is the home that God is making in each of us (as you said) as we are prepared to someday be truly home! I so enjoyed reading this and pray that you and we all find that peaceful place we have always dreamed of as we continue to seek it in His hands.
“We don’t have to look for normal.”
That resonates with me, as does much in this post, Bonnie. You really expose your heart to us and we receive it with care. You are special.
I also love these words (and truth!) from you so much:
“Home was wherever God led her.
Home was her heart.
Home was wherever Jesus was growing live.”
Amen! May you and your family have a Merry Christmas.
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Sitting here, crying deep in my soul, but not with a single tear released as I read this for it spoke so deeply to my heart. I have read the nativity story and asked which character I relate to and I couldn’t come up with one, so I did not write in the jam. This week, I cry inside because I hurt so much and hide the tears away… almost. I shared them with two trusted people finally. And now I share a bit here. I just want that place of safety and peace.
Could God be making a way of safety for you, even if doesn’t look the way dreams ought to be born?
“We can find a home.
We have Jesus.
Wrapped around our hearts.
We have Jesus.
Connecting us to each other.
We have Christmas.”
Thank you Bonnie for Jesus connects my heart to others and to his. He is my safety even if nothing right now feels safe.
What an interesting reflection, Bonnie. I don’t think I’d ever thought of this particular loneliness of Mary the mother of Christ. Her homelessness, and she was a small-town girl, right?
I’m praising the Lord with you for all He has done in your life this year and hoping with you for 2014. Blessed Christmas to you and yours.
Good post. So much truth and much to ponder. Merry Christmas, Bonnie, and Happy New Year to you and yours.
I hope you had a Merry Christmas, too Lisa — and Happy New Year!