I didn’t know it, but I’ve been running from her my whole life.

It isn’t that I didn’t want her. I just don’t think I know her that well.

At times, she is starry eyed, dreaming up all kinds of ideas and excited, talking a gazillion miles per hour. Grabbing friends by the neck, snorting as she laughs. Just bursting with wide-eyed innocence about what she could do and who she could become.

Other times, she is unsure about herself. Insecure. She is quiet, withdrawn. Lonely. Pressing her cheek against the cold of her bedroom window, watching her breath fog the glass, hearing her fingers squeak as she traces the outline of a heart behind drops of rain trickling on the other side of the pane.

I’ve talked about the breakthrough I experienced earlier this year. After a year of intense therapy, I did something the little girl in me has always wanted to do, but never could.

And since that moment, I’ve been able to sleep free of panic attacks jolting me up at night.

My faith journey has entered a new phase: learning to live differently in the world — walking the little girl in me out into the world.

So, I took my first panic-ridden airplane trip to see the writers of (in)courage. Then I flew to Colorado to tell my story for the first time through a camera lens (I was being filmed by MOPS).

It was very difficult to talk about things one is just learning to embrace and accept. Because when you offer your story —

the one you are living,

the one that is taking shape in you,

rather than the one you wish you were living,

— you are offering the heart of the little child in you.

You are offering vulnerability. You are offering the gift of journeying together with others. In that honest place where Jesus knows you. Sees you. Hears you.

The Gift of Vulnerability

There is no guarantee of safety in vulnerability. But, the gift of vulnerability is becoming real. Drawing yourself closer to others. By bringing all parts of you into the present.

As I wrestled with feelings of insecurity and fear about what had been filmed — what I could have said — not knowing what will stay and what will get edited out — I started feeling smaller and smaller.

I knew where all this anxiety was taking me. And in those moments spiraling down, I did something that let me know I was healing.

I saw myself as a little girl. And I told her what no one had ever told me when I lived through my pain in yesteryears.

I told her what Jesus is telling her today–

Come to me.

You’re so tired.

It’s okay.

I’m staying with you.  No matter what.

You don’t have to be alone anymore.

I still love you.

In that moment of total fear and total acceptance, I decided I needed to go all the way.

Rather than fighting it, I decided to take a step into what I feared the most: rejection.

I decided to help the little girl offer her gift to real people.

Physically Present

I decided to actually be physically present with a live audience and tell my story to a group of real, breathing people — who could see my pupils grow wide, hear my voice shake, and watch me talk with my hands.  Who I could see shifting in their seats, yawning, or maybe looking back at me with understanding.

I didn’t sleep that night, but woke up the next day emailing my friend Amy who volunteers coaching soccer with girls from economically-disadvantaged families.  I told her I wanted to tell the stories I’ve been re-living  —  childhood memories that have become re-ignited.  I didn’t want them to be lonely the way I was growing up.

I am here to tell you these stories for me, as much as I am here to offer them to you… I begin telling them with trembling lips and open heart.

I ushered them into a scene in the basement.  Into another scene in a hallway.  Yet, another one on my bed.  Some were quietly staring back at me.  Without expression.  Some where staring into the corners of the room.  Some were giggling.

I ended by telling them what Jesus told me.

Jesus whispers —

Come to me.

You’re so tired.

It’s okay.

I’m staying with you.  No matter what.

You don’t have to be alone anymore.

I still love you.

I tell these girls there are some things in life we can’t change.  No matter how hard we try.

But, I tell them one thing we can change is to make the choice to let Someone else in.  Someone who promises to carry our burdens.  No matter where our stories lead us.

Don’t be lonely anymore.  Jesus stands at the door of your heart.  Knocking.

Will you let him in?

After I spoke, I stayed from 10pm-2am that night.  Praying with one girl after the next, as the little girl in me brought the little girl in each of them to invite Jesus in.

As drove home that night, I bean to be very curious.  Would I let Jesus into my little girl heart?  Were there other people who could relate to this journey of soul rest?

One Thing

I decided to call up my pastor.  I told him I’d like to share those same childhood memories and talk about the beauty of brokenness at both worship services.  How Jesus is intimately alive in the unspoken stories we live in everyday life.

Now, everybody who sees me at church knows my story.  They’ve glimpsed into some of the most painful and lonely moments I’ve carried.

To my disbelief, rejection didn’t greet me.  Quite the opposite.  Opening my story has prompted deeper conversations with friends who I didn’t even know existed at my church.

It’s bringing people out to share their stories with me — sacred, beautiful, heart-coming-alive — real stories.  Of real people.

I’m feeling a little less lonely.  And little more curious.  About what I’ve been missing out on all these years.

The rejection I’ve experienced is probably still happening.  There are people who find it difficult to reconcile brokenness and faith.  It’s a hard topic. I might be the topic of hushed conversations. I understand not everyone understands.

But, one thing I do know.

There is a little girl in each of our stories.

Because the little girl in me is finding her voice.

Because she is discovering her story is every woman’s story.

Everyone woman longs to be known — be loved — to be herself — to share her stories.

Everyone one longs to see her story intertwined with the whispers of Jesus.

Because He calls her His.

The Little Ways

The stories you’re living  — whether it be bathed in sunshine, little-girl-spinning-her-dress full of joy — giggling because you’re finding new girlfriends to laugh with — or whether it is little-girl tired and quiet — little girl needing-a-hug-sad-and-lonesome —

Every story is coming alive in your heart with Jesus.

Jesus is whispering to you —

Come to me.

You’re so tired.

It’s okay.

I’m staying with you.  No matter what.

You don’t have to be alone anymore.

I still love you.

Don’t hide your heart.  Find the little ways that help the little girl in you to be present this Chrsitmas.  Walk her out into the world.

Let Her Know

Say no.  Even if it’s hesitantly tumbling out.

Say yes.  Even if it doesn’t feel like you’re too grown up to blurt it out.

Sit with her.

Help her get away from expectations she was never intended to carry.

Point her to look up at the stars.

Bundle her up in the cold, so she can take a walk in the woods.

Be patient. Comfort her when she feels lost.

Let her know.

Jesus came for her at Christmas.

Jesus came for you.

This is why you can unwrap your gift of vulnerability to the world.

And so can I.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary
and carry heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.”
~ Jesus (Matt11:28)

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How is God prompting you to offer the gift of vulnerability?

How can you encourage the little girl in you?

Pull up a chair.  Open your gift of vulnerability a little here today. Click to comment.

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{Psst… You may be wondering what was that “breakthrough” — what did the little girl in me always longed to do, but never dared to? I wrote it all down — in the pages of a book you gave me courage to write. The book will be released June 2014 by Revell, but it feels like a lifetime away. If you’d like to support and pray with me along this heart-vulnerable journey to publication — If you’d like to hear more about the book or other writerly updates — I’ve created a Faith Shots Updates mailing list.

Think of this as short, personal letters I slip to you every now and then about the behind-the-scenes journey, not yet on the blog.  I’d love to share musings with you informally this way.  Sign up by clicking here. }

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*Next Thursday’s 12/12/13 Writing prompt:

*Next Thursday’s 12/19/13 Writing prompt:

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