I created an account two years ago on my birthday.
I sat at a cafe with Hubby Eric on my birthday date. I asked him to keep me company. Look over my shoulder while I do this. I fussed over what username should I choose. Tapped on the wrong buttons. Kept re-typing. Again. And again.
I stressed over all the different settings. Felt conflicted by the desire to share and the allergies I’ve developed over the epidemic of over-sharing.
Instagram.There Instagram sat for two years. Like a quiet plant I’ve forgotten to water. The app sat on my iPhone. Untouched.
My birthday was just like that Instagram account. Sitting there untouched by friends.Disconnected. By choice.
Permission
I never did get to tell you what happened. I did something I had never done before.
It sounds so ordinary. Simple. It feels embarrassing to even confess it.I asked some friends to come celebrate my birthday with me. To go on a hike and a brunch. It seemed so juvenile. Stressing out about something like that. Awkward.
But, I gave myself permission. To receive.
And it turned out to be one of the most peculiar experiences in my life.
The Notion
This small group of friends — all from different parts of my life — who didn’t know each other gathered together.
We’re all a little introverted. Some of us a lean a little more extroverted. But as we took a quiet walk in the winter morning with gloves, puffy jackets and sleepy eyes, our conversation came with a ease. Comfortable. Walking along the dirt trail, every woman was savoring breaths of fresh air. By the time we reached the top, we all smiled at the wonder what were we doing out here, away from the kids, our spouses, enjoying the view?
A few of us felt guilty. But, then we all laughed and sighed. Because it felt good.
To be with other women. Kindred spirits. Commiserate on the pace of life, kids that won’t stay asleep and how beautiful the view was.
We were running behind schedule, so I wondered if my friends might not want to go out for brunch. I didn’t want to tie up their time any longer. I asked anyways. And they all said yes.
My heart was so happy. I don’t know where I picked up the notion that asking someone to spend time with you was dangerous. A bad idea.
A waste of time. It’s an imprint that reaches way down from yesteryears. It’s not true.
Bitter & Sweet
I yelped a nearby Crepe cafe. And off we drove. The lunch crowd had already perched themselves at tables inside. There weren’t any left. Only the patio table and chairs standing out on the sidewalk in the cold winter air were left.
“That’s okay.” Henriette whispered to me. She somehow could see me debating what to do. “I like sitting outside.”
So there we huddled all in our coats, everyone sipping our hot coffee. I was afraid our nutella strawberry banana crepes would all turn into coldstone in the outside air. But, it turns out when you’re surrounded by the warmth of women who are friends, crepes in any temperature tastes stupendously glorious.
As I sat there cold and warm at the same time, my lips trembled and I felt my tears push up from my throat.
I cried. And the sound of my tears felt bitter and they felt sweet. Because I was discovering something new about myself.
It’s okay to want.
It’s okay to need.
It’s been to painful to feel either.
My friends all looked quietly at me. They couldn’t hear this conversation going on inside me. That’s okay. It was enough we were together.
Risking
It’s time for me to stop living in my head so much. So, I can experience the one word God’s placed on my heart.
{Beloved}
I know it won’t feel natural. To {be. loved}.
But, that’s where God is prompting my heart.
He’s whispering —
Be. Loved.Beloved.
He’s doing it through in-the-skin friends. But, it’s not going to happen without me risking. I’m going to have to ask.
I’m learning something new about being the Beloved.
{The Beloved asks.}
Ask? How do I begin?
Anywhere.
God whispers. Just begin.
Lean In
As you stand at the precipice of a new year, do you feel daunted by what God’s calling you begin?
Is your One Word for the year so close to your longing — that you feel unsure because it’s too perfect — too glorious to reach without falling short?
It’s a lie.
Lean into where Jesus is leading you. Because the truth is that we can never fall short of His love. His love is always within our reach.
You know that Instagram account that lay dormant for years? I started taking pictures on my birthday. Soulful moments.
It makes me happy. And I’m choosing to believe it makes God happy when I share them with my friends too.
Be loved. {Beloved}.
“Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.
~~~~~~
What is God prompting you to begin, as the {Beloved}?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. Begin anywhere. Just begin.
~~~~~~
** A #BelovedChallenge: Celebrate Your Birthday 2014 **
I want to put out a #BelovedChallenge to you, since it’s just January.
When it’s time for your birthday this year, invite your friends out to celebrate with you. It doesn’t have to be the day of. Just in the month of.
1) Give yourself permission to receive. Do something you enjoy that would make your heart happy.
2) Invite a friend. Or two. Or more. It doesn’t have to be a big crowd. Even if it’s just coffee 1-1.
3) I (we) want to hear all about what happens. It will encourage all of us — to be the {Beloved}. We want to celebrate the moment with you. Or if it turns out to be a disaster (just being real), we want to comfort and hold your hand and send you virtual mochas with extra shot of hazelnut (or vanilla or whatever you’d like).
4) Write a post about it, link it up in our Faith Jam and then post a message on my Facebook page. So we can all be sure to read and give you a big virtual hug. Us {beloved} girls, we’re there for each other, right?
That’s what a friend from our Faith Jam community did. Katie Randolf of Where My Hope Is Found took the Birthday #BelovedChallenge. How did it turn out? Well, you’ll have to read what happens for yourself (click here & remember to say hi). It’s so encouraging to know we’re not alone on this faith journey.
Inspired by Rest & Beauty?
If you’re inspired by a moment during your week that brings your soul rest or beauty — ether it be a verse, quote, a song, or something you write during the week — that is soul moving, would you share it with us by using #soulrest or #soulbeautiful in Facebook, Twitter or Instagram?
I’m trying to be more present in these online spaces post-PTSD (for the first time in Instagram). And to be honest, it’s anxiety-vulnerable for me.
But, God gave me an idea. If those online spaces are touched by the voices of my faith friends here at Faith Barista, those digital spaces becomes transformed into places of faith and community. Just like you’e done here on the blog. So, say hi if you’re in any of those online places, ‘k?
Soulful, faith-inspiring connection with you? That I can do.
…with love and gratitude. love in Him, bonnie
p.s. If you’ve always wanted to try Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, but felt shy like me. Just begin. Anywhere. You can do it. Let’s learn together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — LINK UP IN THE FAITH JAM
HTML Code For Special January Faith Jam Faith Fresh Badge
Faith Barista Jam Thursdays
1) I serve up a writing prompt. Let the topic soak in your heart, then publish your post the following Thursday and link up to share it with us. If you don’t have a blog, just write directly in the comments.
TO LINK UP: Click the blue button below: “Add Your Link” and type in the *specific* URL to your blog post (not just the name of your blog). (Subscribers: click here to get there directly).
2) Place the Faith Jam Badge in your post. It’s a welcome sign for our community, inviting others. Grab the HTML Code above. Thank you.
3) Then, pull up a chair. Visit the post before yours and say hi with a comment. Make a faith friend.
*Next Thursday’s 1/16/14 Writing prompt :
Beloved*Today’s Thursday 1/23/14 Writing prompt:
Beauty or you can write about your {soultime} — your 1-1 time — with God.Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Click here to learn more.
** Don’t miss! ** If you are new to Faith Barista, I’d like welcome you here.Click to subscribe by email and get each post in this series served up hot and fresh directly in your mailbox.
52 Comments
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As always, beautifully written. Being loved is scary…why is that? But the reward can be greater than our fear.
Well said Jeri…
Oh Bonnie, I am so honored you mentioned my post in your blog. Crying happy tears. I haven’t written my post for today yet. I do know that my word “worth” is where God is prompting me to begin as beloved. Love you friend.
I am honored you shared your story with us, Katie. #soulbeautiful You are worth it. xoxo
“I don’t know where I picked up the notion that asking someone to spend time with you was dangerous.” I picked that up also. 🙁 I feel it’d be rude for me to ask for someone’s time–who has extra? But you’re right that we need to move past that. It’s a gift we’re offering to be in someone else’s presence for the sake of Love. Beloved = be loved. That’s what I wrote about this week too. I’m so glad you invited others to celebrate with you. I would have come if I lived close and would consider it an honor!
“I feel it’d be rude for me to ask for someone’s time–who has extra? ” Yes… Exactly! uh-huh. I would come to yours too, Lisa! And then, I think I’ll feel right at home fitting in with your friends. 🙂 Going now to read your post…
Who thinks to ask for joy, friendship, presence, connection, someone’s time? And yet God wants us to ask. From asking comes hope, possibility, requests fulfilled in ways we could never ask or imagine. This I am learning in 2014.
My word for the year was change, but I realized that was to be an outcome and in order for that to happen God said I had to yield. Last night I looked at the definition for yield even though I knew it meant surrender. But what caught my eye was also the words to produce or be productive, the result of doing the work. My cue to begin doing the work He has called me to, be fruitful, productive with what I have been given and watch it multiply.
So I am asking for every thing I can think of that is/may be necessary for this ministry He has laid on my heart. There is a powerful stirring of hope, beauty and possibility within me when I ask. Bonnie, I pray that you will be bold and courageous enough to keep asking. May God do exceeding abundantly above all you could ask or imagine, and Beloved, may you know a love like no other love AND receive it for yourself.
Monica
Keep asking… that’s one way of receiving… and I love the visual you’re creating for us, Monica, with your one word: change. yield. fruitful.
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Funny you should write about birthday celebrations. I shy from ANY type of marking of my birth. Of course, I allow the obligatory dinner out and gift giving with my children, but I always find an excuse “not to” with anyone else, even my parents. Now this year, April to be exact, my children want to have a party, a Minion party. I happen to be crazy about Minions. My friends found out. They want to come, in costume. Now I feel stuck. I keep trying to find excuses to keep it between the kids and me. But, after reading your post, maybe I won’t.
Jaime! It’s decided. You must be a minion for your birthday! I love minions! I just bought two minion t-shirts for my boys over the holidays and whenever we’re out and about — and people ask me, which ones are your kids, I say, “Over there. The two minions!” 😉 No more stuck, {beloved} friend! Be the Minion! That would be so fun! Come back and blog about it and snap pictures of your minion cake and mimion theme bday! #goforit #belovedchallenge
Beloved. I can relate to what was said about being in your head. I psyche myself time and time again when I’m prompted to do things by the Holy Spirit like pray for a stranger or share with someone. As one of God’s beloved, its trusting Deut. 3:16 ‘Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.’
I am loved by God and He doesn’t do things to harm me but to make me stronger and more full of joy acknowledging His presence. I am beloved by God!! I can trust Him. Lord help me know that I am strong in You and because of you. My Word this year is discipline; to be discipline in my wait on the Lord. I looked up wait in reference to Psalm 37:9, waiting refers to hope, to look eagerly for. Obeying God and being hopeful in obeying is what I desire and must choose to purse.
P.S Hi Monica, and thank you for your words. God’s grace and continued strength for all He has called You too.
Tewana
Tewana! What beautiful whispers God’s echoing in you… overflowing… Let’s step out together… out of our hearts… out of our heads… #soulbeautiful
Dear Beloved Bonnie,
Did you know you are BELOVED whether you feel you are, or not? Not only you are His BELOVED, you are our BELOVED. I know I can speak for all of us that you are so very loved – not for who you are or what you do, but because of whose you are. That is enough for me!
I wish I knew why is it so very much easier to love others rather than ourselves. I say that for myself as well. I believe I heard it in a movie that the bad stuff is easier to believe.
Thank you so much to opening your heart to all of us. It makes it so much easier on me when the stuff in your head comes out of your fingers so that we can all have the conversation. You are not alone, and you never will be!
Blessings and grace,
Jennifer
That line from a movie sounds familiar… hmm.. now, you’re gonna have me thinking about where that’s from! 🙂 Thanks, Jennifer! You’re so sweet! #soulbeautiful
I have struggled as well with the” ask someone to spend time with me”
I have friends who I love to spend time with, and do. But now I have a few new ones. ( Yay) and I am hesitant to ask. I know the root is I do not want to be rejected, but if Papa did bring them into my live: I need them and just maybe they need me.
Thank You for sharing as always.
So amazing how both desires exist. hesitation and desire to reach out. “I need them and just maybe they need me.” yeah, it’s weird how it’s easy to believe the former more than the latter. Go Danyelle! I’m right there too. New friends during my PTSD season… a lot of starting over… along with the old friends… #belovedchallenge
Hi Bonnie!
I recognize the calendar page. It’s last year’s Mary Engelbreit calendar. I had it. Introvert? So am I. Live in your head? Me, too!! Ah, no wonder I was drawn to you. LOL!
Yes, you absolutely should live be.loved.
I knew that when you got to the other side of the PTSD that you would be standing in a wide expanse of His Grace. Like being in a beautiful open field full of flowers; the sun is shining and there is a warm breeze of His love surrounding you. Give yourself permission to dance. (Oh, you know what comes to mind? Did you ever see the musical “The King and I”? I always pictured the dance scene being between me and Jesus. You can picture it, too. You and Jesus…dancing around and around in that field of flowers!)
Christine! It sounds like you are introvert/extrovert… ‘cuz dancing?! Girl, you lead first, ‘k?! 🙂
Love your word, Beloved, for the New Year 2014, and the corresponding Scripture verse from Isaiah 43:19! Fun birthday challenge too! The gift of time is a precious commodity it seems these days. More love to you in Christ Jesus:) Praise His Happy, Holy Nameo/
“The gift of time is a precious commodity “… hey, now that is quotable, Lisa. It’s soultruth.
Yes, Bonnie, I ask that the LORD help me use His time wisely, whatever is best for all concerned. Thank you not only for writing online, but for being such a good listener. You seem to have a great gift to speak to people with a knowing and gentle understanding (1Cor 12:31). May the LORD bless you for your thoughtfulness in serving others with His Love.
Authenticity is my word for this year–to be totally me. No more people pleasing (or a little less). I’m tired of trying to guess what ‘they’ want, so I’m simplifying. It’s easier to be authentic–freeing. I can feel the peace. So what if ‘they’ are displeased. They can get over themselves. I don’t need controlling people in my life. I need loving people around me and have begun to find them. It’s thrilling. Breaths come easier and I become lighter and joyful! Thanks for your posts. The wisdom that falls from them is so radiant! Merci, mon ami! 😀
Yeah, I want to try this new way you’re talking about too! Yeah, it’s been jarring finding out who controlling some people can get. It’s new for me.. learning how to navigate (around) them. Merci, mon amie! 🙂
Thank you Bonnie for this and all your wonderful posts!! You have encouraged me to begin and that is the word that I feel the Lord is wanting for me now, as I have not been brave or free enough to begin the dreams I am dreaming before today. You have played a part in encouraging me to go forward! I know He will bring you into a spacious place as He is already doing, and I celebrate that with you!!
My birthday was last week, and I was able to enjoy it with my parents and husband. All three at lunch, then my parents to watch the movie Up at their home (for the first time in a few years), then my husband for a dinner date again. He threw all sorts of brazen hints at the waiter that it was my birthday and we would need dessert and then teased me because I was so shy and avoidant of that attention. Your post helps me understand why.
It is hard to receive, isn’t it? But none of us is always meant to give and give only. Last October I had major surgery. My Bible study friends asked what they could do, bring food? Clean? I explained away their offers, since it’s just my husband and I, and I wouldn’t be able to eat normally for weeks anyway. Then one of them put together a meal calendar despite my excuses, and they brought us 2 weeks of meals (some leftovers still frozen, in fact!). It was so uncomfortable to say, “Yes, I could use the help,” but such a blessing when the help came. Even though I couldn’t eat the food at the time, I felt loved, and their generosity amazed my husband.
Please pardon the supersized comment, but it’s been a tumultuous week without a post written.
I admire you so much, Bonnie! Good for you for inviting companionship on your journey, and good for you for starting Instagram! Every blessing to you in Christ.
Tinuviel, there is no supersize comment. Your comment was a #soulrest of friendship and connection. Happy belated birthday friend. I know you’ve gone through such a tough time with the surgery and recovery. I’m just thanking God He sent you some loving hands to reach out to love on you! It *is* hard to say “I need help”…I”m hoping to experience that sometimes there are friends that do help … even when some who are not don’t. xoxo
This was so beautifully written. You’ve really touched my heart. As someone who struggles with this as well I am encouraged!!
So good you’re here, Brandy!
Beloved Bonnie,
My movie quote was from the movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts.
Have a wonderful evening, my sweet sister!
Jennifer
Whew. Thank you! 🙂 I love that movie! Kinda like Officer and a Gentleman, huh?
Bonnie, I so did not want to write about a word that I, well, literally did not feel. But I made a commitment to this writing jam, and so I started. Well, those words just started flowing and by the time I was finished, well, I had talked myself into the club of the ‘beloved’ ones. 🙂 Thank you, beloved sister.
I LOVE IT, Sita!! {smiles, clapping, standing up cheering!} 🙂 You go #beloved Sita!
Beloved: Is it him, or me. I think, now, it can be both . . . again.
We are 25 years into our marriage.
We are 3 weeks into our first childless relationship.
I have PTSD and our last child who left the nest 3 weeks ago has it also.
Dear husband and I have been through so much while trying to keep our youngest child on this earth, and help her have hope.
So much fear and emotion had made me pull away, while we battled with her dark days . . . dark years.
More than I realized.
The old fears of being unloved and unloveable had not surfaced, but found a far deeper and more stealthy way into my life.
I finally realized that his love had not changed. His love had not left.
He did not see me as a burden, or become repulsed by me. He was patiently waiting for me to come back to the knowing.
My Beloved showed me, in the quietest of ways, that I am still his beloved.
I do believe we are coming into the sunshine, again.
And I need to remind myself, often, that I am no longer in the shadows of fear.
It gets easier with each week.
Beautiful, Lisa. There is beauty in our brokenness. I see the lining of {beloved} in each line of your words. What a wonderful love and safety surrounding you in those arms.
I can so relate to your feelings about asking friends to spend time with you. Do you know how many times I’ve pulled up a friend’s phone number on my phone started to hit ‘send’ but chickened out because “I didn’t want to take up their time”??? (Blushing) Thank you for being so transparent. It’s soul warming to hear more about your one word, Beloved. ♥
I know!! Totally!! 😉 uh-huh. I do that too! {smiling}. What are we gonna do with ourselves? lol Let’s try to hit “send” a little more often this year, yes friend? xoxo to you, Krista…
Bonnie,
Your words always bring me close to your heart and to the heart of Jesus. Thank you.
My One Word for 2013 was PURPOSE. 2014’s word is FREEDOM–specifically freedom from fear.
Your story about feeling like asking others to celebrate your birthday hits home–it feels like an imposition. I had decided that I’d do something different for my birthday this year and “be the gift” (Ann Voskamp’s phrase). One thing I’d like to do is to go with a bunch of helium balloons and give them away at a park. I’m not sure about the other activities yet. Your birthday challenge has encouraged me. Instead of just asking my adult kids to join me, I think I’ll do something special on a few different and invite others to join me.
Deb Weaver
Yes, Deb! I love that idea #belovedchallenge {goosebumps} I think you came up with a great idea. Seriously! #goforit
Hi Bonnie! Just so you know, the last 2 Faith Jams, the link in my email hasn’t worked so I have to go directly to the site and search…no biggie though. If you were in B.C. in February, I’d invite you to my birthday! You have inspired me to plan my own little get-together and not worry if people can’t make it. Yes, I am worthy of other people’s time, I just have to remember that :). So, I go forward as the “Daughter” I was always meant to be…..
I’m SO glad you told me… it’s like I was walking around with food in my teeth and finally someone told me. {yikes} Thank you friend! 🙂 I fixed it…
loved
be loved
beloved
such beauty and truth here
and so hard to grasp
poetry
poetry
ishisfirefly
poetry
poetry
always on her heart
on her mind
just like she is
always on His heart
on His mind
his #beloved
his fire fly
xoxo
What a wonderful answer to my one word query … my word is BEGIN and I have been asking the Lord where He would like me to do that — His answer “Anywhere” came through so clearly in your beloved post. Isa. 30:21 Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left. You have a lot of trouble steering a parked car … maybe that is why the Lord gave me “begin” as my word this year
yes. Resa. so wonderful {amazed} at how He answers the one words He gives us, huh? just the way we need. you are #soulbeloved
Dear Bonnie,
soul wonderful, soul insightful, keep writing You are a blessing (thats my word)
be-loved!
Bonnie,
I am not sure if it is your bravery or the prompting you give, but I do put my heart out there when I write for Faith Jam — more than any other posting I do. I appreciate you and this post so much. I wish I were on Twitter or Instagram just so I could connect that way, but I know it is not my season for those venues yet. You have done well going at your own pace and following God and inviting others along at appropriate times. Stepping out is risky, and it will unearth some more places of hurt sometimes, but when He is behind the unearthing, it is always for your freedom and more intimacy with Him and others. Praying for you as you do. ~ Patty
Loved this… For years God has said… you are Beloved allow yourself to “be loved”.
The prompt for today so matches my quiet time “word” God was being whimsical today. Thinking I will share.
Beloved,
This is a season of PLENTY.
I see/hear you chuckle,
As you think yeah, plenty of trials
That is true,
Plenty of trials
Plenty of struggles,
But MORE than plenty of My Grace
My Provision
My PRESENCE with you.
In fact while, yes there will be “plenty” of troubles,
There will be a PLETHORA of provision.
Look to Me.
Hook/yoke your heart to Mine
Hook/yoke EVERY area of need
Firmly into MY provision.
Consider the different in plenty or enough and plethora.
I’ve been thinking about this word for days. A traveling husband made it impossible to capture but I imagined writing a letter to my 4 and 2 year old girls, telling them of what struck me as revolutionary in 2013: Despite the labels and actions this world would attach to their hearts, their souls…they are beloved. And because they are beloved by Christ, they are free. No longer dwelling in a house they never intended…a house called, “Victim.” They are free to rejoice, filling their lungs with triumphant air and laughter that is genuine and not hindered. Authentic joy. I lived too long with the dark cloud of sin and all its devastation hanging above my house. I couldn’t reconcile the joy I knew belonged to me as a child of God with the persistent memories of a childhood lost. That is until I heard a message from Undaunted author Christine Caine. It set me free and I will always be grateful. And grateful too to Max Lucado for his divinely inspired, “You’ll Get Through This.” 2014. My year of living Undaunted. Thank you so much for opening your heart, for being vulnerable and in the trenches with us. May Christ use all of this…all of this for absolute joy.
[…] writing prompt at Faith Barista this week is beloved. As soon as I saw it I immediately thought, “No thank you, I’ll […]
[…] about experiencing anxiety asking real in-life friends to join me to celebrate my birthday with me (for a hike and a bite of crepes for […]