As I’m learning to take care of myself and place value on finding my voice, I’m making an unexpected discovery.

I’ve always been afraid to focus on myself, because I never wanted to be self-centered.

Maybe because I have been hurt by those who have been self-serving.

And I would never want to be that way at all.

But, as I’ve placed priority on the journey to feed my soul, I’ve gained a beautiful new gift in my parenting.

The unexpected discovery is that nurturing my spirit has given me the gift of presence.  The gift of comfort.

Held Hostage

When Josh or Caleb used to whine or cry — or get frustrated, be worried or upset — I would automatically go into my problem solving mode.  Which would inevitably ensnare me into an indeterminate amount of time trying to get them to stop whining, crying, getting frustrated, worried or upset.

And it would just drain the life out of me.  Because I would be stuck in an endless loop of trying to figure out how to solve their problems. I would feel held hostage by their emotional drama — and they would feel held hostage to my efforts to talk them out of feeling upset.

I realize I was offering them what I’ve taught myself to survive.  I would try to ascertain what was the problem, to understand what was happening and try to cheer him up.  I’d give him examples of how he could deal with it.  Or how I dealt with similar situations.

I would tell him, “It’s okay.  We’ll just do x, y, or z.”

Or I would tell him, “Look.  Think about it this way… ” and proceed to help him think clearly about what was happening.

Or I would start giving him examples, to help him draw analogies to what’s happening with him, why and how to deal with his problems.

Or I would start encouraging him by sharing from God’s word, to replace the lies with the truth.

All these are valuable approaches. They are all good parenting skills.  But, I don’t turn to them right away anymore.  I will impart words of wisdom, offer words of instruction and coaching.  But, not as my first response.

New Priorities

Because of my journey through anxiety, I’ve learned the most important thing God gives me when I’m troubled is His presence. His comfort.

I’m changing what I’m offering my children by default.  It isn’t just problem solving.

I offer them soul-care.

To know in my moments of fear, trouble, guilt, anxiety, and stress — that I could find a place to just be me — as is — and still somehow find God loving me.  To still hear His whispers —

Of comfort.

Of complete understanding.

Compassion.

Acceptance.

To be held.

To be seen.

To be heard.

To be loved.

To know I don’t have to be okay.

These have become my new priorities to their emotional stresses.

I give them a hug.

That’s what I do now.

I still have the reliable “head’ tools which are critical thinking, problem solving skills I want to instill in my boys.  They are still my parenting gifts to them.

But, now I’m offering six soul gifts. I’m making them default response as I’m learning to receive them from God and others.

Six Soul Gifts

1)  Empathy.

I say, “Oh, that’s disappointing… “

2)  Verbal Comfort. Let him know I see and hear what he sees and hears.

I say,  “I can see… [you feel so frustrated…]”

And I say, “I hear what you’re saying… [you feel x, y, z]”

I want him to know I see and hear him.

3)  Physical Comfort.

I sit close to him.  I reach out my hand.  And touch his hand. Or his shoulder.

And if I sense him soften, I say, “Come here… ” and I give him a hug.

4)  Emotional Comfort. Ask him questions to listen more.

Not to investigate him or the situation.

But, to understand his experience.

5) Validation.

I’ve learned that the best way to let him know everything is okay is by taking time to listen and not try to fix him or his problem.

I used to be afraid if I validate their negative feelings, it would mean I’m in agreement or giving them license to drown in their negativity.

But because I’ve felt so comforted and soothed by God’s validation and my friends, I know this is not true.

When I validate their negative feelings, I see a visual response in Josh and Caleb.  They get very emotional, expressive and by the time they are given space, they start to feel better.  Not because their problem is solved.  But, they feel better knowing they are not alone.

And then, I ask them what are some ideas they have — or guesses — as to what would help?

6) Explore ideas together.

By this time, they’ve been hugged, accepted and comforted.  Their hearts are softened and opened. I have access to their soul.  Now all the other “left-brain” helpful parenting tools I’ve always offered them can be heard with a completely different emotional atmosphere.

We suddenly become sojourners together on the journey of life. Because these are gifts I’m learning to receive myself.

Legos, Ice Cream, and Stories

Suddenly Josh and Caleb are a lot more interested in what I have to say.  Because I have quite a number of stories to share.

And guess what, I am a lot less anxious about solving their problems.

I start sharing from my heart rather than just my head.  And I’m really enjoying it.

This whole journey through the heart definitely takes more time than problem solving.

But, it just motivates me to take time out for myself to rest and refresh. So that I can be filled.

In nurturing the real me, I am able to give what I myself receive.

When my kids still find it hard to let go of whatever’s upsetting them, I can now say to them, “You know, it’s okay.  We all have bad days.  It just means it’s time to do somethings that are good for your heart.”

Then, I offer to build Legos with them or play a game of Ninjago.

Or  go to the bookstore to browse and find a new book to take home and enjoy with cookies and milk.

Take them out for ice cream.

Watch one of their favorite TV shows together.

Or play a few games of Star Wars Angry birds with them, so they can see how mom can’t get past level 9.

Tell them a funny story about me when I was their age.

Or think up some fun ideas for the weekend we could do together.  Something to look forward to enjoy. So, that a bad day doesn’t seem so bad.

In other words, I’m offering them, what I’m giving myself permission to explore and receive myself.

A New Lifestyle

Receiving comfort leads me to soul-care.

And so now, I don’t think it’s selfish anymore to take the time to ask myself —

What is that I really want?

What is that I really need?

Because through soul conversations with Jesus — and soulful friends — I am learning to lead a new lifestyle.

Resting as His beloved.

I don’t put myself to the side as much anymore.

But when do, I go to God.

And I ask for a hug.

And He tells me —

It’s okay, Bonnie.

I still love you.

As is.

And then, I turn to my children, and say the same to them.

This has become my parenting prayer now — that I will not only be a mom who can teach my children to live right by thinking right.

My heart longing as a parent is to be a mom who can also love my children with all my soul, so that they can love God and others with total abandon — because they see a mommy who has received love with total abandon from God herself.

“Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers over every imperfection.”
{the whisper I hear in 1 Peter4:8}

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How has parenting — or how you survived being parented — offered you new insights into yourself and how you relate to your children?

What drains you as a parent?

What energizes you to be a soulful parent?

Pull up a chair. I’m really curious about this topic today. I’m even more curious about you.Click to comment.

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What I’m Learning About Myself.

*Today’s Thursday’s 3/6/14 Writing prompt :
Taking the journey. (our writing prompt “journey” is inspired by a One Word for 2014 from our Faith Jam community. “Journey” is also a wonderful prompt because next week, Lent begins.

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