As I’m learning to take care of myself and place value on finding my voice, I’m making an unexpected discovery.
I’ve always been afraid to focus on myself, because I never wanted to be self-centered.
Maybe because I have been hurt by those who have been self-serving.
And I would never want to be that way at all.
But, as I’ve placed priority on the journey to feed my soul, I’ve gained a beautiful new gift in my parenting.
The unexpected discovery is that nurturing my spirit has given me the gift of presence. The gift of comfort.
Held Hostage
When Josh or Caleb used to whine or cry — or get frustrated, be worried or upset — I would automatically go into my problem solving mode. Which would inevitably ensnare me into an indeterminate amount of time trying to get them to stop whining, crying, getting frustrated, worried or upset.
And it would just drain the life out of me. Because I would be stuck in an endless loop of trying to figure out how to solve their problems. I would feel held hostage by their emotional drama — and they would feel held hostage to my efforts to talk them out of feeling upset.
I realize I was offering them what I’ve taught myself to survive. I would try to ascertain what was the problem, to understand what was happening and try to cheer him up. I’d give him examples of how he could deal with it. Or how I dealt with similar situations.
I would tell him, “It’s okay. We’ll just do x, y, or z.”
Or I would tell him, “Look. Think about it this way… ” and proceed to help him think clearly about what was happening.
Or I would start giving him examples, to help him draw analogies to what’s happening with him, why and how to deal with his problems.
Or I would start encouraging him by sharing from God’s word, to replace the lies with the truth.
All these are valuable approaches. They are all good parenting skills. But, I don’t turn to them right away anymore. I will impart words of wisdom, offer words of instruction and coaching. But, not as my first response.
New Priorities
Because of my journey through anxiety, I’ve learned the most important thing God gives me when I’m troubled is His presence. His comfort.
I’m changing what I’m offering my children by default. It isn’t just problem solving.
I offer them soul-care.
To know in my moments of fear, trouble, guilt, anxiety, and stress — that I could find a place to just be me — as is — and still somehow find God loving me. To still hear His whispers —
Of comfort.
Of complete understanding.
Compassion.
Acceptance.
To be held.
To be seen.
To be heard.
To be loved.
To know I don’t have to be okay.
These have become my new priorities to their emotional stresses.
I give them a hug.
That’s what I do now.
I still have the reliable “head’ tools which are critical thinking, problem solving skills I want to instill in my boys. They are still my parenting gifts to them.
But, now I’m offering six soul gifts. I’m making them default response as I’m learning to receive them from God and others.
Six Soul Gifts
1) Empathy.
I say, “Oh, that’s disappointing… “
2) Verbal Comfort. Let him know I see and hear what he sees and hears.
I say, “I can see… [you feel so frustrated…]”
And I say, “I hear what you’re saying… [you feel x, y, z]”
I want him to know I see and hear him.
3) Physical Comfort.
I sit close to him. I reach out my hand. And touch his hand. Or his shoulder.
And if I sense him soften, I say, “Come here… ” and I give him a hug.
4) Emotional Comfort. Ask him questions to listen more.
Not to investigate him or the situation.
But, to understand his experience.
5) Validation.
I’ve learned that the best way to let him know everything is okay is by taking time to listen and not try to fix him or his problem.
I used to be afraid if I validate their negative feelings, it would mean I’m in agreement or giving them license to drown in their negativity.
But because I’ve felt so comforted and soothed by God’s validation and my friends, I know this is not true.
When I validate their negative feelings, I see a visual response in Josh and Caleb. They get very emotional, expressive and by the time they are given space, they start to feel better. Not because their problem is solved. But, they feel better knowing they are not alone.
And then, I ask them what are some ideas they have — or guesses — as to what would help?
6) Explore ideas together.
By this time, they’ve been hugged, accepted and comforted. Their hearts are softened and opened. I have access to their soul. Now all the other “left-brain” helpful parenting tools I’ve always offered them can be heard with a completely different emotional atmosphere.
We suddenly become sojourners together on the journey of life. Because these are gifts I’m learning to receive myself.
Legos, Ice Cream, and Stories
Suddenly Josh and Caleb are a lot more interested in what I have to say. Because I have quite a number of stories to share.
And guess what, I am a lot less anxious about solving their problems.
I start sharing from my heart rather than just my head. And I’m really enjoying it.
This whole journey through the heart definitely takes more time than problem solving.
But, it just motivates me to take time out for myself to rest and refresh. So that I can be filled.
In nurturing the real me, I am able to give what I myself receive.
When my kids still find it hard to let go of whatever’s upsetting them, I can now say to them, “You know, it’s okay. We all have bad days. It just means it’s time to do somethings that are good for your heart.”
Then, I offer to build Legos with them or play a game of Ninjago.
Or go to the bookstore to browse and find a new book to take home and enjoy with cookies and milk.
Take them out for ice cream.
Watch one of their favorite TV shows together.
Or play a few games of Star Wars Angry birds with them, so they can see how mom can’t get past level 9.
Tell them a funny story about me when I was their age.
Or think up some fun ideas for the weekend we could do together. Something to look forward to enjoy. So, that a bad day doesn’t seem so bad.
In other words, I’m offering them, what I’m giving myself permission to explore and receive myself.
A New Lifestyle
Receiving comfort leads me to soul-care.
And so now, I don’t think it’s selfish anymore to take the time to ask myself —
What is that I really want?
What is that I really need?
Because through soul conversations with Jesus — and soulful friends — I am learning to lead a new lifestyle.
I don’t put myself to the side as much anymore.
But when do, I go to God.
And I ask for a hug.
And He tells me —
It’s okay, Bonnie.
I still love you.
As is.
And then, I turn to my children, and say the same to them.
This has become my parenting prayer now — that I will not only be a mom who can teach my children to live right by thinking right.
My heart longing as a parent is to be a mom who can also love my children with all my soul, so that they can love God and others with total abandon — because they see a mommy who has received love with total abandon from God herself.
“Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers over every imperfection.”
{the whisper I hear in 1 Peter4:8}
~~~~~
How has parenting — or how you survived being parented — offered you new insights into yourself and how you relate to your children?
What drains you as a parent?
What energizes you to be a soulful parent?
Pull up a chair. I’m really curious about this topic today. I’m even more curious about you.Click to comment.
~~~~~~
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What I’m Learning About Myself.*Today’s Thursday’s 3/6/14 Writing prompt :
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40 Comments
My heart longing as a parent is to be a mom who can also love my children with all my soul, so that they can love God and others with total abandon — because they see a mommy who has received love with total abandon from God herself. – I love this! 🙂
This made me think back to my childhood. My mom had so much patience! Sonething I’m afraid I’m lacking in with my son at times. I see myself in him so much at times. I can relate to his struggles as an only child while my husband (who has 4 siblings) sometimes doesn’t.
I love sharing my childhood stories with him and he’s always eager to listen.
It’s great seeing the mama side of you Bonnie! 😉
I loved seeing a picture of you and your son on your blog, Krista! I can see he’s cute and sweet like you! We’re both mommas of boys. 🙂 Thanks so much for your encouragement. I haven’t blogged much about the momma side of me, so it means a lot to hear it’s something we can share here too. I’d love to hear stories from your parenting journey… hmm… another writing prompt in the future maybe?
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Thank you, Bonnie, for the parenting wisdom you have stated here so well. As a parent of a tween son, I would have to agree I’ve found the same type of tactics work much better than trying to immediately ‘fix’ things for him, even when I am using what I have learned works on me from God’s Toolbox. Perhaps it’s God’s way of developing patience in mothers of sons? I am so glad you discovered this wisdom early on in your parenting journey. Continue to go with it! It will help make the world a better place as this legacy of love is passed on through the generations. I believe it’s taken me longer to come to this point of resignation and realization, but I thank God I see improvement. Not that I’m perfect, but I am getting better at relating to my son courtesy of the way God relates to me. He is the Most Excellent Parent. The odd thing I found about this type of positive relating is that although I believe it was inherent in me when I became a mom, the more I learned about God’s Word for myself, the harder it got to try to deal with my son’s issues. I really had to focus on bringing it back primarily to God’s Love and Consoling Comfort freely given to me in my struggles so I could help my son more effectively. Love you, Bonnie! Your boys are blessed to have you as a mom in Christ, and we are blessed by your sharing your God-given writing/communication talents and gifts:-)♥
Lisa, I’m right there with you. On the journey. I got my ah-ha moment and I now have a new direction, but I’m still learning to grow in this. 😉 But, one thing’s for sure, it’s made me realize how important it is to take time to take care of myself. This soulful heart way requires I receive for myself first. I think at church we get so much emphasis on teaching truth (which is important), but we neglect to give equal emphasis on soul care, shepherding hearts and strengthening/comforting/encouraging parents’ hearts because soul work is hard heart work to walk alongside our children as is. Thanks for sharing your heart. It prompts me to share mine!
Right now, I’m the problem-solving parent. I don’t like hearing the whining and crying, so I try to get to the bottom of the problem asap. I also notice how frustrated and drained that I feel at the end of everyday. I believe it would help to incorporate these principles into my life as a mom. There is so much pressure to finish every task, that I rarely slow down and allow the kids the to be heard or understood.
Thank you for sharing this.
The default part of me is the problem-solving parent too, because I’ve grew up the problem solving child. 🙂 Lisa, I’ve felt the same way you do — drained — and still do on days. 😉 Now I have a new awareness, a new direction. I used to just beat myself up and feel guilty I wasn’t more loving and patient. Now, I realize, I should be more kind and loving to myself. And go get some TLC/whitespace to feed my soul and slow down. We can let God love us by loving ourselves better. Thank so much for sharing. You just encouraged me!
This is a great post! Thank you so Much! 🙂 <3
Thanks, Julia!
Just when I need it, you write it, straight from God is your message to me. My boys are 22 and 24. They are struggling to find their places in this world. I kept asking myself what I had done wrong as a parent when they were young and not grown up. I struggle to find the right words to say and then come your words. I am not done parenting! I am so fortunate they share with me, I must have done something right. God is using you again to tell me how to handle them at this point. I prayed and God answered. Thank you, God, for using Bonnie as my whisper.
We’re all just little boys and girls inside. You HAVE done right. Their hearts are open with you. Don’t let any critical voices take that away from you. Get support for you. Get some TLC for you. Parenting is hard heart work. Here’s a big hug from me to you, fellow mommy! Thanks, Bev.
Great post Bonnie! I think that’s all we want when we speak to our husbands or friends too… Think I need to leave out the Legos… 🙂
Yes, husband and friends… You’re right, Marina!
Oh how I see myself in being the fixer…thank you for opening my eyes to being the comforter …please pray I can with my 17 yr old daughter that has some deep issues she is trying to figure out and not communicating much right now……
Get TLC for you and support. The journey is long sometimes, and you need comfort for you, so you can come alongside your daughter. Don’t give up, Dee. Parenting is hard heart work. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Bonnie, Don’t know if I will join the jam today. I have the day off, so I am going to try and sit down and write today. You know what it is like, I know you do to struggle and write. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your journey it inspires me every time, long before you had your struggle writing. Love you dear friend. I do know, what you are learning about and caring for yourself is what I have been learning the last ? years. I have slipped recently in remembering to do this for myself, but am starting again.
I don’t have kids to parent and no longer teach preschool, but I do know when I have empathized, reflected back their feelings and struggle, validated them, then took time to teach how to handle a situation (you may use your words to tell someone you don’t like it when they take your toy) they retained it better.
You’re loved Katie. Enjoy your day off. The way YOU want to. In a way that fills you. And feeds you.
I did and I wrote about it to. It came so naturally today.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
My theme for the year started last July – and it was “Communication” – this whole year has been a class, God teaching, about how I need to change my communication. When you said “”I would feel held hostage by their emotional drama — and they would feel held hostage to my efforts to talk them out of feeling upset” – I have been that problem solver, that solution seeker- but I have had to learn a hands-off approach – to let them learn to solve their problems. Your communication tips go perfectly with a two part series I did in early Feb – and this would be the perfect 3rd:) I am learning so much in this God-class – thank you for your points!
I’m learning right alongside you. Nodding my head with every sentence you shared here, blue! 😉
Oh, I am so a fixer. I have run from tears and drama most of my life. Papa has been working on me in this to except the tears for what they are. a cry for help, love, and even attention.
I love your new approach and will be trying it out. Thank You!
That’s a really good point. I’ve had to absorb so many tears and drama in the past, so receiving and taking time out for me fills me, remaking my parenting approach. Thanks for sharing, Danyelle. I just had an aha moment through your words.
Soul care. How beautiful, Bonnie! You are a witness to me that self-care is not selfish, but profitable for others around us. I love the photo of a little hand holding the blooming flower. If we feed children with soul care, they will grow and bloom into who God created them to be. 🙂
🙂 Thanks, Trudy.
[…] making a #Courageous choice in quitting the comparison game. I’m also linking up at Faith Barista where Bonnie’s given us the prompt “What I’m learning about […]
Dear Bonnie
Have been curious to receive your email to see where you are on your journey of finding your voice, and woe and behold your email spoke to my heart in a big way, I don’t know how old your sons are but mine is 34, and just lately we seem to be at odds with each other to the point that i desperately need my own space as he does too, I have tried over the years to instill in him values to be honest I don’t believe I have been a brilliant parent I wanted to do it differently to my parents as i felt suffocated by them and couldnt wait to escape which i did when i was 17 when i met my son’s father!! My parents bless them always arugued so i learnt to do that which hasnt boded well, I in fact and didnt realise until my son was in his teens that though i moved the boundaries I was in fact identical to my mum lol 🙂 I have tried to see the error of my ways over the years and i do believe my son and i are close, but we’ve reached the end of the road as we know it. I’m drawing closer to God in a big way whereby I just want to spend as much time as possible with God leaning into Jesus I desire it more than anything, its of the utmost importance and until I do this then I can give back to Ben (my son)what I ve received myself which I know is what Ben desperately is wanting!! Bonnie thank you so much I thank God for you and all my christian friends who have supported me and loved me and believed in me sometimes I so wish my ben was younger so that I could give him what I now know but God willing I can give him all that God wants me to give him after I have spent this much needed time alone with God,Jesus and HolySpirit, to be soulful and speak from the heart, my Ben is so unhappy that why he drinks and I hate to see him unhappy it breaks my heart my Ben was a much longed for son and I’m so thankful to have been given this gift from God in the past I have beaten myself up so many times over that i believed I let Ben down, but i’m being more kinder to myself as i realise that none of us are given a rule book we do the best we can at the time with all of our weaknesses and strengths I cannot change the past but I can change the present in the hope it will change the future! Blessings Love Alison
Sweet Alison, you are young in heart — and although the journey you’ve shared here has been long and is rough with your daughter, don’t be discouraged. You are among friends. And we are all traveling together. You are courageous for opening the door of kindness to yourself. May you feel the love God has for you, His beloved daughter. Thnx for sharing your heart with us.
Bonnie, this is the most beautiful post – I love how being loved deeply loved by God (and really experiencing it deep down in our souls) just overflows to those around us. So, so beautiful! I love the six soul gifts that you wrote about … the most precious gifts we can give our children. Even with my (grown) children, I keep learning more of the same … learning to listen, and love most of all. Thanks for sharing your heart, and for your linkup …
Sweet Cherry, it’s an amazing journey to discover sisterhood on this journey. And that is who you are to us here online. a sister on the same journey living out in our own stories and families. t touches my heart to hear you share you are still learning. it tells me love is a never-ending, unfolding journey… and you brought me that reminder today with you being here.
Oh my goodness. We are definitely soul sisters! This sounds SOOOO much like me…The problem-solving mommy…and I would feel like such a failure when I couldn’t solve it (girl stuff is the worst, you know?) Thank you for sharing your heart here…
Yes, soul sisters! and yes, the girl stuff… yes, i know. 😉 Thank you for being here, Shauna.
Timely, relevant, beautiful, inspiring, beneficial. Keep it up, Ms. Bonnie. Thank you.
thank you, Alex!
[…] moment has come to mind often this week. God is teaching me a lot. And, the writing prompt from Faith Barista today […]
loving your love
how each day a newness is unfolding
the beauty of softening
and your children are blessed
Bonnie,
I love how God re-parents us and then we get to pass it on! I just love how you shared what God has given you in your mothering of Josh and Caleb. It echoes what He has done and is doing in our family as well. I am learning to allow myself to just “break parenting rules” of what it means to parent by any set formula and just be there for my boys giving them myself as God gives me Himself. The relational filling is what they need more than anything else and from it, so much goodness comes. As you say, the approaches and methods have their place and time, but to reflect the Lord as you are to those boys is just the very best. I am so glad to be on this journey witnessing Him moving in you.
Oh, how many times did I think it was my job to fix my kids’ problems? I can relate to the anxiety of that. But, I have realized it’s not my job anymore. I can serve them better if I teach them to solve their own problems. Thanks for the inspiring words
I can see your six soul gifts being a blessing to adults, too–ways to minister to those who are hurting no matter their age. Thank you, Bonnie!
The way I learned to care for our three boys was through a dysfunctional husband/wife relationship. I was so sorry we weren’t the ideal Christian family, and asked the Lord how to not to end up as the statistically messed up single-parent family. I asked Father God to be the Father to the fatherless and stood back and watched Him do it. I also asked Him to teach me how to be a good mother, and the things He’s showing you, Bonnie is what He showed me. They are 36, 34 and almost 33 and we have a good sharing, talking, praying relationship with each other today. The guys all love God, each other, me and their dad and his second wife. I couldn’t ask for better results than that. God works this in us a bit at a time as we turn it continually over to Him. I’m convinced that if my marriage had gone well enough I might not have seen my need for His parenting with, in and through me…