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Dream and Dare To Whisper: Never Been Kissed

By Bonnie Gray • February 14, 2014 • 44 Comments

“Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.” G.K. Chesterton

Last February, I did something I hadn’t done for one year, since my whole world turned upside down.

I didn’t want to spend the morning in bed again, so I decided to rummage through my drawers for a set of matching black fleece gloves, the turquoise scarf that was soft and not too fuzzy, and that old backback I last threw into the corner of the closet.

I went through my pencil cup and found my favorite pen that writes smoothly from a wide tip point and searched the house until I finally found my camera sitting in the dark on a shelf, where I forgot I last left it.

It was foggy when I first started driving and my head was rushing tumbled with a cascading wall of thoughts to turn back.  But, I kept my foot on the pedal and I tried my best to reign my thoughts back where I wanted to go.

Even if it ended up raining when I got there, I told myself I’d do as I’d done when I was single.  I’d back up my SUV and sit in the trunk, with my legs propped up like my desk.  I’d sip my decaf cup of coffee and I’d crack the windows open a bit, so windows wouldn’t fog up with my breath.  Even if the raindrops blew in sideways a bit and the seats got pelted to one side, it wouldn’t matter.

 

I’d hear the rolling of waves, as foam crawled onto the sand.

I’d smell the sand after the sun baked the ocean into the land, as the wind carried its scent up into crags and crevices, into my breath.

I would look out into the large expanse of blue, gray and white.

And I would return to the place where my heart would always hear God, even when it felt like a house that was empty, except for the whispers of prayers.

This place was the ocean.

As I stepped out on the sand, shiny with the surf high, into the air wet with winter morning spray, I found my voice remembering and asking Jesus —

You once heard me whisper a dream.  Will you hear me this time again?

Deep Waters

I want to bring you back with me — to a story I recounted to myself two mornings before, as I wandered, looking for rest in my soul.

It was just a couple days from Valentine’s Day today and God brought me back to another chapter in my story — how in my thirties, I believed I had the gift of singleness.  Not because I didn’t want romance or a husband.  But, out of sheer logic.  I just hadn’t met anyone who had been “The One”.

Today, I’d like to share this post with you — as we are, each of us, journeying to those places deep within us that are still waiting to be loved and to be cherished.

Even with a husband who loves me completely, those places within me are still whispering dreams, that I honestly wish would stop calling for me.

Because these are deep waters, where only Jesus can venture and where only He can recover.

Life seems so much easier, so much simpler, if I had no more dreams left to remember.

But, Jesus is saying —

These dreams are meant for you, even if they have been broken.

Because even though they can’t seem to be repaired in this moment — even if for very long —

I am standing in the midst of them, to whisper to you  —

I love you.

The Dream You Dare To Whisper

If today you are making that return to those tender places in your heart — don’t hesitate to open up the parts of yourself that are still waiting to be touched back to life. To remember and to honor the you who Jesus loves deeply and will not forget.

Because when Jesus remembers the dreams you were meant to live, though it seems they are so far removed from you today, He remembers your pain.

And He honors it with His arms of love.

Surrounding you.

Protecting you.

Even if no one else can hear or see it.

Jesus does.

And He loves you.

Completely.

Just like Ruth never expected she would find a Boaz while gathering leftover in the fields for Naomi, you are not forgotten.

You are not overlooked.

The dream you dare to whisper in private — God hears.

Like Ruth, you are focusing on the gathering — the work that’s right in front of you. You get up and lie down, faithful to encourage those around you, being thankful for the spiritual provision you find everyday.

Among my purpose-filled days as a single, there were sometimes deep, long nights, when the ache in my heart tore down into my gut. In those moments, I wondered if I would run into someone, the way Ruth stumbled onto Boaz’ fields….

Never Been Kissed

I don’t know if dogs and cats dream of getting their first kisses, but one thing’s for sure, humans are different.

I remember wanting my first kiss so badly, I thought I was going to die waiting. I did not want to get to college and be the only girl on campus whose only kiss was her bathroom mirror.

Luckily, despite my mother’s best efforts and my propensity to like books and play in the orchestra (the cool kids were in band and track-and-field), I did get my first kiss before donning cap and gown.

The kiss was just as magical and dizzying as it appears in the movies.

But, it wasn’t true love.

Not for him, anyways.

It was a bummer. The box for My First Kiss was checked off the same year as Dumped For The First Time.

Missing The Boat

Some people talk about not kissing anyone until they’re engaged, to end up marrying the first person they kissed. Real fairy-tale like.

Too bad, I always thought.

Why didn’t God have the first guy I fall in love with be my husband?

It was the first of many why-questions I’d start filing secretly away.

Many years passed. I could never find the magic of that first kiss again.

After some time, I grew up and got smart. I stopped believing there was “The One”.

If I missed the boat with “The One”, then I’d rather just be by myself and God.

It’s just you and me, God.

I liked it just fine.

There was enough to keep me kingdom forward and connected with people. Eight years fly by when you can serve with abandon, lots of friends to make and enjoy.

Then, one day, I met him.

He Was Different

Unlike other Christians guys who always stayed behind the lines of just being “friends”, he was different.

He wrote me digital letters every day for a month. Then, he asked me out on a date. Not to grab a bite to eat. A date.

In line for a flick, we found out our #1 favorite food was pizza and we both loved coffee. We couldn’t stop talking and we were laughing even though there were no jokes being told.

I decided to put out the “No Kissing” edict. My last kiss was many annual moons ago. I didn’t want to kiss any more frogs.

Three months.

That’s how long we’d have to date exclusively before we could kiss.

He was smart. He smiled and nodded.

I didn’t make it past six weeks.

The kiss I received that day under a willow tree was the best kiss ever. It felt like my first kiss.

It didn’t bring me back to my kiss at seventeen.

It felt as if I had never been kissed.

… Until that moment with him.

Turn Back Time

If you’ve ever stopped believing that anything could be new again, God’s perfect timing can turn everything back to the first time.

The impossible happened that day we first kissed.

God became a lot more powerful than I imagined.

~ He works in mysterious ways we can’t explain.
~ He stirs and rearranges our hearts, when we’re not looking. When we don’t think anyone else is home, except us, He makes a space for love.

~ He is more capable than cupid, more magical than the most beautiful of fairy tales.

A Kiss To Your Soul

I’m old enough to understand that nothing lasts forever.

But, there are some things that happen only once, that remind us that there is eternity in our hearts.

The one I call my husband was him. He was brought into my life, even though I gave up looking for love.

God knows what you may have given up on.

The One who knows you can bring a kiss to your soul, like the one you’ve always longed for and forgotten about.

Mine came through a person, but remember, God is not limited by our ways.

Why didn’t God have the first guy I fall in love with be my husband?

… So that I could believe in miracles again.

~~~~~

“And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you.”~ Isaiah 62:5

~~~~~

Where are your thoughts today on Valentine’s Day?

Do you need to believe in miracles again?

Pull up a chair. I’m here at our table at the cafe, later than usual, but I’m so glad you’re here.
Click to comment and read each other’s thoughts.

~~~~~

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44 Comments

  • Reply Aislinn Bell February 14, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Thank you so much for this lovely post. It speaks to me very clearly…I too need to believe in miracles again but God is waking up my faith just like he woke up yours. I love this line: “If you’ve ever stopped believing that anything could be new again, God’s perfect timing can turn everything back to the first time.” I would like that first time back too. 🙂

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:03 pm

      Hi Aislin, “waking” up is a totally poignant way to describe what is happening to me. And it’s happening to you too. That first time… yes… it’s possible. It really is. And you dont’ even have to believe it. Because God’s love is unconditional. It’s yours, his love and plans for you. No matter what.

  • Reply Dodi February 14, 2014 at 9:19 am

    I don’t really like Valentine’s Day or any greeting card holiday. So today I made a mini poster and a writing to share. I send my grandkids valentines and got my husband sugar free candy which he can have and loves. Probably he will get up in late afternoon, remember he forgot and want to get me something. I don’t really WANT anything like that. I want to be thought of, planned for ahead of time and cherished.
    As for the BEACH, that made my heart sing… to think of you at the BEACH. The beach is my happy place, a safe place. I like it best when its empty or almost empty. Love the sound of it, the feel of it, the smell of it. The obvious presence of God there in a tangible. way.
    Later I am going to drop of some mini posters I made over the year at a nursing home for memory loss people near me and ask whoever comes to the door to give to anyone who is lonely or alone today. Maybe they will, maybe they will toss them out, that is not my problem.
    Here is what God helped me write for Valentine’s Day. Its for me too cuz I feel lonely.

    To the One who is feeling:
    Lonely,
    You are not alone.

    Lost,
    He sees you, knows where you are.

    Afraid,
    His angels have charge over you.

    Like you can’t go on,
    He will meet you where you are.

    Stuck,
    He will lift you up.

    Sorrow,
    He was aquainted with sorrow, He understands

    Grief,
    He wept.

    Whatever YOU feel,
    Whatever YOU are going through,
    He is El Roi, God who sees, knows and cares.
    And He is Emmanuel, God with us.

    God bless you and touch you in a special way this day.
    2-14-14
    Interestingly, from what I understand, this name of God El Roi, is only found once in the entire bible. Hagar spoke it in Gen 16:13. Isn’t it neat that it was woman, who felt forsaken and alone and without hope who recognized God as El Roi, God who sees me and found COMFORT and HOPE in a truly hopeless situation?

    • Reply cindy February 14, 2014 at 8:12 pm

      Liked what u said. Cindy

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:04 pm

      Happy Vday, Dodi…eventho you don’t like it… sounds like yo’ure celebrating it.. love!: )

  • Reply Angel @ Finding The Inspiring February 14, 2014 at 9:36 am

    This is absolutely beautiful Bonnie. Sometimes it takes courage to let ourselves dream and especially to let ourselves dream again. Thank you for the reminder that with Jesus it’s okay to believe in miracles. Because of Him, all things are possible to those who believe. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:04 pm

      Happy Vday weekend, Angel!

  • Reply danyalle February 14, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Oh my. I have been married for 20 years. But we did not have much of a honeymoon, because I got bronchitis and ran a fever the whole time.
    I have been dreaming of the day we could maybe have a time again that would be like what I dreamed that time should of been like.
    In 2 weeks we are going away for a week. OUr kids are staying with family, and now I am praying again for that dream to come true. Thank You for encouraging me yet again.
    You are such a blessing to me.
    Thank You Papa for Bonnie. I ask that you pour your extravagant love out on her and her family today. Bless you with the words to write to us each time she sits to write. Amen

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:07 pm

      Dear Danyalle, I hope you have the most wonderful, memorable time with your sweetheart. Dear Jesus, thanks for Danyalle’s heart. I pray her heart will be front and center during the time away with her sweetheart. And I pray you give them some special moments to restore that first honeymoon that didn’t touch her heart as she would’ve wanted it to be. You know her heart and this couple. Make this getaway extra special for them. In your name, Amen.

  • Reply Jeannie February 14, 2014 at 9:54 am

    What a touching post. Your truly have the gift of words and they speak volumes in your post.

    God Bless

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:07 pm

      Jeanie, I hope your heart is experiencing special moments of love this Vday weekend. Thanks for being here with me.

  • Reply Mary February 14, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Nope not today, not commenting today—I’m good, got a date with my 2 year old grandson for the evening, nope not touched by Valentine’s Day this year, finally! Darn you, half way through–lost it. Was in a very difficult marriage for 40 years. I came to know the Lord 2 years after we were married when he had cancer the first time, he came to know the Lord 36 years later when he got cancer the second time, 10 months before he passed away, but even then he didn’t really want to talk about it or anything else which was how he lived his life. Now I do want to say I see the Lord in all of it and it took 40 years for the Lord to pry my controlling fingers off of some things. But now,———–am I too old at 62 to be romanced and loved for who I am, to be at an age I know myself better, can there be someone out there that wants to play and not just work? Questions that I would have liked to have left pressed down deep today and pretend no longer matter—at least for today

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:10 pm

      Sweet Mary — no, that desire to be loved and to love is alive and beautiful! 62 is not too old. Never too old for love. Lord Jesus, nurture Mary’s heart — and be with her so new, just as you were with her all 40 years. Take care of her heart and guide her heart’s journey in this very moment and season. Prepare a path for her to connect with others… and in that journey, may you be her very confidante in all things. In your name, Amen.

  • Reply Prayer Notes by Cynthia February 14, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Bonnie,
    Thank you, for this wonderful post. The Lord has given you words of comfort and love for our hurting hearts and I appreciate it. Yes, I do! I love the story of your meeting your husband…”there is eternity in our hearts.” As I work in my studio, today, I am inspired by your words and I wonder how your words will effect my thoughts and art?? Joy and blessings to you, this morning. Cynthia

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:11 pm

      I love how you’re creating art from your heart… you never know what will come out. That’s how I feel about my writing. never know! 🙂 Keep creating and being courageous to face the open palette of art.

  • Reply Pam February 14, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Great Valentine’s Day post. I did get to marry my first love and still have him- what a blessing!!! However, there are still days that I don’t spend time with my heart’s true love, that is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who truly brings happiness and fulfillment to my soul. So many times, I forget that Jesus gives me contentment and happiness ,not my husband. So today, on Valentines Day, I took a walk in the timber with snow falling down and spent some time praising my Lord!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:12 pm

      Aw. that is so sweet, Pam. That is very special – being able to love and still have your first love. I love hearing you take a walk in the timber with snow falling. You had me longing for that whitespace time with the Lord. I will be doing a post-Valentine’s Day time with Jesu next week. I’m going to drive to the beach again.

  • Reply radical rose February 14, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Dear Bonnie
    Beautiful writing, beautiful soul. Thank you for reminding me “as the bridgegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you.” Soul- Beautiful, Soul Perfect.
    Blessings my Sister in Christ

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      Beautiful, soul perfect to share this moment together. It’s a connection. We have that secret place inside us. Happy Vday weekend, sister!

  • Reply Wendy February 14, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    So encouraging, so inspiring, thank you Bonnie. It’s like a reminder to take a deep breath and simply relax. The Lord is in control.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      Yes. yes. and yes. {deep breath together}

  • Reply HisFireFly February 14, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    He can and does make all things new
    and His eyes of love see into every corner of our hearts

    He not only knows what we want
    but He knows what we need

    celebrate Him
    celebrate Him

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:14 pm

      “His eyes of love see into every corner of our hearts” I’m closing my eyes and drinking in your words here. yes, Lord Jesus, see into every corner of my heart. I don’t have words, but you see… beautiful, Karin… beautiful prayer prompting…

  • Reply Lisa February 14, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Thanks Bonnie. Your quote that ‘God knows what you may have given up on’ especially resonated with me today. I may have given up unexpectedly in the past, but it is true that God worked graciously and mightily to bring what I gave up back better than ever. You are right, maybe we have to come to the point of giving up to even see such miracles? It seems now that I give up every day in some way hoping to see more miracles from our Amazing God Who is Love. I suppose I consider each and everyday I have as a miracle. Thank you for reminding me that giving up can be a good thing. It is good to be dependent on the LORD, because He is Good and He loves His people with an everlasting love. Yes, I need to believe in miracles, sometimes big ones, in my life and the lives of my sisters and brothers in Christ. Thank God we can trust in Him to meet all of our needs in His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Please pray for more (in)couragement and miracles to be made apparent in all of our lives in Christ.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:16 pm

      what a beautiful reflection you’ve expressed here, Lisa. so from your heart… thank you… i hope your Vday weekend continues this soul conversation… thanks for being here…

  • Reply Lisa February 14, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Praise the LORD in Jesus’ Name, Lover of our souls, for His soul kisses when most needed.♥

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:16 pm

      Yes.. soul kisses…

  • Reply Morag February 14, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    I made my (now) husband wait six months for a kiss. Our first kiss was on New Year’s Eve and it was perfect 🙂 It was exactly 2 years after I’d rebuffed his initial advances – God is good!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:18 pm

      Isn’t it amazing how God knows which guy to send our way… who can pass through all the “tests” our hearts need to be assured … and our hearts can melt in safety and woo’ing? I never would’ve thought such a guys exists. I hope you & your sweetie had a wonderful Vday! love hearing about your story a bit, Morag!

  • Reply Marina February 14, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    So, SO good!! Love these words, your HIStory, your heart!

    Thanks for sharing… Open… Honest!

    Lovely!!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:18 pm

      Happy Vday weekend Marina.. hope you have some special moments…

  • Reply Alouette February 14, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    A blessed, waiting, NBK :=) Your words encourage me so much.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:19 pm

      thanks, Alouette! I hope you have a soul-loving weekend, friend!

  • Reply Mary February 14, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Bonnie, your words touched my heart. I don’t know what my dreams are anymore. I hope I find them again some day. I know God loves me; that he hears my pain, sees my tears. Intellectually I know that. I have never stopped praying despite my frustration and anger that it seems he doesn’t hear me because despite how hard I try my situation hasn’t changed. I know that he has a plan, I’m just tired and numb. I know his will and not mine. I hated today. I tried to focus on being grateful and that helped. I just wanted you to know that you reached my closed off heart with your beautiful words and I found comfort in them. Gods light shines from you; thank you for sharing that light.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:22 pm

      I feel so touched and so honored you feel at home to share your heart. Mary, your heart is being touched and to hear your true feelings… even to hear you share about the anger and numbness…. it means you sense you are not alone. and God’s soft whispers are close. Those dreams are there inside. I’m just so sorry the hurt that you must have had to travel through. I understand with more than words can expressed. We are going to be okay. We are real…. Thank you for sharing.

  • Reply Donna J February 15, 2014 at 12:57 am

    I’m 56, never married , and the warm, sweet hope for a precious , loving man won’t leave my heart. Thank you for writing this on Valentines Day. I needed it. I won’t give up waiting. And am loved by my Savior so deeply i don’ever want to lose that.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:24 pm

      Dear Donna, it’s never too late.. keep following the prompting of your heart and contniue to live a new chapter.. and new story as God prompts you. Be sweet to yourself this weekend for you are so very loved.

  • Reply Jessica February 15, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Hi Bonnie,

    “Never Been Kissed” is one of my favorite posts from you, I’ve to confess that since the time you first posted it I’ve read it several times. Your God’s handwritten love story, is one of hope and one with which I feel identified, a lot.

    I’m 32 years old and I’m still single, and your story is my favorite real life Godry tale!

    Thank you for sharing it again, truth is that I am really blessed with your writings!

    God bless you!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2014 at 10:26 pm

      Hi Jessica! If we could have coffee together.. girl, the stories we could swap and share. Be sweet to yourself and tuck that special conversation between you and God into your night song and whispers. There’s a part of me that is still single — the part of me who was single into my 30’s… and she is saying to you… you are not alone. you are loved and cherished. and i can’t wait to see how God will bring you into your Godry tale! Keep following God’s prompting. Be in community .. and enter into your journey…

      • Reply Jessica Olivares February 17, 2014 at 8:19 am

        Thank you Bonnie 🙂 , you’re so sweet!
        And oh yes, how I would like to have that cup of coffee with you, who knows maybe someday!
        God bless you!

  • Reply Maria chambers February 16, 2014 at 4:25 am

    Dear Bonnie,
    Thanks for always sharing your heart. You are such a Blessing, and I love reading the comments from other women who are able to share their dreams and longings. I have been married to my husband for 47 yrs and have known him for 52 yrs. I loved him from the first moment I met him, but we didn’t get married until we had both finished college.
    He is a ‘rock ‘ in my life and has had to experience all my fears, anxieties and depression.
    So I wanted to share that life is a journey to wholeness, with or without, a loving husband
    Our true security is a deep relationship with God through Jesus. Then marriage becomes a meeting of two souls on a journey together. We need to go to God first . I don’t say that lightly as I cannot imagine life without my husband. But only the love of Jesus can meet those deeper needs .He will never leave us or forsake us and He always keeps His
    Promises. With love, thanks and Blessings xxxxx

  • Reply cindy February 16, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Dear Bonnie, first, thank you so much for sharing all you do with us. So many thoughts occur to me as I read your post and I’m not sure where to start. These are the bits that spoke to me:

    “Waiting to be cherished” even tho I’ve been married 30 plus years.
    “Only he can recover” I dont feel I have dreams for my life anymore. They have been “broken” and ‘repair seems a far way off’.
    I’m asking Him to keep my heart soft because it wants to stay shuttered up and hard.
    “Dreams…so far removed from today”.
    “Stopped believing anything could be new again”.
    “God knows what I’ve given up on”.

    These are the words that spoke to me. Thank you for sharing. Cindy

  • Reply adriene Jordan February 17, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    SO god! Your writing lyrical. Falls over me like a warm, fleece blanket -smooth, snugly, safe.

  • Reply Adam C February 18, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    This is the 4th or 5th time in the past year that one of your posts has been so spot on for where I’m at in my life that you could have written it just for me. So many times what you’ve written has been the encouragement I need exactly when I need it. That, of course, is God’s timing. But I wanted to say thank you and return the encouragement. Thank you for what you write, thank you for being open to how God is using your story to speak to so many of us.

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