Something happens when you find yourself lying on your bed.
There’s a moment you can no longer fight the sinking feeling that life isn’t going to be the same anymore.
You aren’t going to be the same anymore.
Life hasn’t turned out out the way you thought it would.
You didn’t turn out the way you thought you would.
And you try very hard, to remember who you once were.
You search your heart for glimmers of what it was that made you once feel alive. It doesn’t feel like you could ever get that young, innocent feeling ever again.
But, even just the memory of what it was that made you feel safe, you touch a real part of yourself that is still alive.
Even the mere remembrance of the sunlight that first hits your eye lids as you wake up on a lazy Saturday — how warm your skin feels as you pull yourself out of a pool in the sweltering heat of July — how the sound of a saxophone spills into the night in the city when you’re young and unafraid.
And you begin to cry. Because you miss the nearness of life.
Something Beautiful and True
I found myself in too many of these moments, for too long of a season it seemed.
But, as I laid there, with all my memories of the past alive in the present, I found in that pit of darkness something beautiful and true.
I found I could remember goodness.
And it told me that it was in me once.
It told me that it had to still be in me now.
Even though I was wounded.
I chose in that moment to believe that goodness was my faith, still breathing in me.
The fact that I longed for the goodness and hungered for it told me that nothing — not even my woundedness — could destroy and rob me of those memories.
And that Goodness had a name.
It was God’s Spirit, alive in me.
And that remembrance and longing for it was the movement of God’s fingers soothing my face.
They were hands of Someone who understood how being wounded led Him to remember all that captured His heart. One dark day.
A Deeper Wounding
The darkest moments Jesus found Himself — as I think about Him this week — are found in three words — spoken after Pilate washed his hands, released Barabbas, and had Jesus flogged with a ‘cat of nine tails’.
It was a whip divided into several strips, each containing shards of broken pottery at their ends, enabling them to cut skin and tear flesh from bone. Most Roman prisoners didn’t live through these beatings due to shock and loss of blood. Third-century historian Eusebius described the process in grotesque detail by saying, ‘The sufferer’s veins were laid bare, and the very muscles, sinews, and bowels of the victim were open to exposure.’
Jesus somehow although crippled by the impossibility of surviving such physical torture had to endure even a deeper wounding. I was drawn to this moment made up of three words found at the close of this scene.
…Then he released Barabbas to them.
But he had Jesus flogged,
and handed him over to be crucified.”
Matt. 24:26
… handed. him. over.
Jesus was handed over.
I can hear Jesus crying, not out of fear, but out of physical — and emotional pain.
He was abandoned. Completely given up by everyone.
Make A Way
Life for Him would never be without the scars of betrayal. His story could never be untainted by betrayal, loneliness and rejection.
But, Jesus choose all of it because behind all the brokenness, Jesus carried the memory of why He was willing to live this story that was unravelling in a very bad way.
Jesus carried live, beautiful memories —
of how He made you and me in the secret place.
And the warmth of our first breath caressing his heart.
He carried the sunshine of our smiles
He was determined to make it forever impossible one day for us to ever taste the salt of bitter tears ever again.
He would endure all the woundedness and devastation his body and his soul could carry.
Because in His woundedness, Jesus would remember you and me.
Faith Barista kindred Dunlizzie shared a comment on an earlier {Journey} post that brought this scene into my focus. She wrote:
Hebrews tells us that it was the joy that was set before Him that Jesus endured the cross. That joy wasn’t His reunion with the Father, but rather the saving hope for us…
He went to the furthest extreme to keep a promise of reconciliation with us, to give us a home with Him even now.
It’s overwhelming, but such is His great love… He can make a way.
“God places the solitary in families and gives the desolate a home in which to dwell…” Psalm 68:6
God can make a way.
Dare To Believe
I realize that for every countless moment I wanted to give up on me, one quiet voice spoke throughout —
I. love. you.
I won’t leave you.
I still see you.
I am here. With you.
And because I somehow dared to believe I heard these words, I knew my soul was still breathing life.
Because in my woundedness, Jesus still loves me.
Passionately.
Irrevocably.
Shamelessly.
Undeniably completely.
When I realized life was never going to be the same for me again, I stopped wishing to be rescued.
I began to desperately pray for courage instead.
To follow the journey through.
To lean in.
To move towards the memories I still carried of beauty. Of goodness. And dreams.
Lean In
No matter how whisper-thin, imperfect or insignificant my movements would be, I wanted to ignite my memories of goodness into living moments.
I would move towards them, I would surrender myself to the One who had been handed over — until His last breath made a way — to you and me.
You and I don’t ever have to be handed over and lost in the brokenness of life.
Jesus puts his hand in ours, to draw us towards Him. So He can carry us.
All the way.
God can make a way to us. With us.
No matter where the journey of life takes us, we are the living memories of what it means to be cherished and beloved by Jesus.
Don’t let anyone or the hardness of the journey convince you otherwise.
Life will never be the same. Let’s follow this journey through.
Lean in. Be you.
~~~~~
What you are your thoughts on living and leaning in?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. Rest awhile.
~~~~~
A Special 7-Week Faith Jam Series: {The Journey}
For the seven Faith Jam Thursdays leading up to Easter, I am selecting writing prompts to reflect movements in Lent. Lent means “The Way of the Cross”. In other words, Lent is “The Journey”.
You have been my safety to find my voice here on the blog and I hope this space here on Faith Barista can be that for you — as we explore these Journey-Inspired prompts together.
Let’s do this. You and me. Us and together. Let’s swap some stories.
This is a soulful, creative 6 week journey to open our hearts and journey together. You can write in the comments or link up with your blog posts.
~~~~~~
**NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — LINK UP IN THE FAITH JAM **
HTML Code For the Faith Jam Faith Fresh Badge
Faith Barista Jam Thursdays
1) I serve up a writing prompt. Let the topic soak in your heart, then publish your post the following Thursday and link up to share it with us. If you don’t have a blog, just write directly in the comments.
TO LINK UP: Click the blue button below: “Add Your Link” and type in the *specific* URL to your blog post (not just the name of your blog). (Subscribers: click here to get there directly).
2) Place the Faith Jam Badge in your post. It’s a welcome sign for our community, inviting others. Grab the HTML Code above. Thank you.
3) Then, pull up a chair. Visit the post before yours and say hi with a comment. Make a faith friend.
*Today’s Thursday’s 3/27/14 Writing prompt :
Wounded
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #3 of {The Journey Series}, the journey to Easter.*Next Thursday 4/3/14 Writing prompt:
Your Cross
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #4 of {The Journey Series}, the journey to Easter.May the writing prompt bring you to a quiet place inside your soul and spark a soul conversation to share with us in community.
Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Click here to learn more.
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45 Comments
“There’s a moment you can no longer fight the sinking feeling that life isn’t going to be the same anymore.
You aren’t going to be the same anymore.
Life hasn’t turned out out the way you thought it would.
You didn’t turn out the way you thought you would.
And you try very hard, to remember who you once were.”
I’ve been there. Sometimes I go back but it gets easier to see how God’s plans trumped mine and the outcome was ultimately better than what I could’ve dreampt.
I stand in awe of Jesus and the amount of emotional and physical anguish he went through just for us. I had heard of the Cat of nine tails but had no idea how horrific of a torture device it was. 🙁
Amazing words today Bonnie (as always my friend!) 🙂
krista, it’s so beautiful to hear the hopeful voice speaking into this post from you… we all sometimes go back.. it’s a part of our humanity… but each time God makes a way to us, we can do as you’ve done here… share words of hope… because you’ve walked the journey… so happy you’re writing… to express all the journey you’ve lived and are living…
Hi Bonnie,
You and me – we’ve been down scary roads and we both realized the only worthwhile thing left to do is to look to God”When I realized life was never going to be the same for me again, I stopped wishing to be rescued.
Your words are represent me at my personal bottom. I found the pit, then I needed help to get out and LIVE:
“I began to desperately pray for courage instead.
To follow the journey through.
To lean in.”
I am leaning on HIm now, more so than ever. Much gratitude to you today for your heart expressed through these pages.
Kristin
leaning in together… even at times weary and tired… we are beloved… beautiful, Kristin.. fellow kindred… Jesus is learning back into us…
In His pain, an agony I cannot truly comprehend, He forgave and endured. I am so wholly overwhelmed by such a love. A love, which like His goodness, has a name. It was always a personal thing for Jesus. It’s such a personal thing for us… hits us at the very core of who we are. It defines us. Which is a good thing, because no longer must we identify ourselves by our wounds and failures, but rather by His immeasurable love. I may be broken, but I am surely loved. And that gives me hope, because that same love endured it all and conquered… so that Love can undoubtedly (and WILL undoubtedly) carry me through.
“No matter where the journey of life takes us, we are the living memories of what it means to be cherished and beloved by Jesus.”
Thanks, Bonnie. <3
I” may be broken, but I am surely loved. ..Love can undoubtedly (and WILL undoubtedly) carry me through.” dunlizze… there you go *again*… opening our hearts to the beautiful place where you and Jesus are walking together… ! love your heart and the words that flow from there…
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Hi Bonnie,
Love the Bronte quote “Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.”
Life’s journey is never an easy one. It’s messy, complicated and leaves us with open wounds sometimes. And yet, God’s goodness prevails through any dark situation that arises in life.
The past months have been difficult. The loss of something so treasured and beautiful and in an instant, it’s gone. I found myself in a broken place, in a dark place, where questions arose whether goodness still existed. Play dates that won’t be scheduled, soothing hurt knees or drying tears, loving with a full heart. The ache remains of what could have been, and making peace with that which never will be. It hurts still.
He can use it for good. If I let him. My circumstances don’t have to leave me with a closed, heavy heart. With God’s grace, even during the tough days, He makes a way. Life doesn’t have to be a list of platitudes… “things happen for a reason” I am told…sometimes I just want to sit and mourn the loss of it, what I wish could have been. This journey is hard, but goodness is in abundance. God lights a way through the darkness. So I cry…because I am strong.
it’s sweet to have a kindred to share this journey with — when we need it most when things don’t happen for a reason. things happen beacuse there is brokenness and pain. and we need each other for the journey. to help each other. and give eachother space for the tears.. to be present… and less alone. that is true comfort and peace… what Jesus offers us.. so we can cry… because we are loved. thnx so much for sharing your heart here, Veronica.
Bonnie,
Your beautiful words today are speaking to my heart to push past disappointment because Jesus is never disappointed in us. He is always there drawing us toward him and gently encouraging us to get back up and keep walking. I needed this today — your words speak such truth — thank you for sharing them!
he is with us in the disappointment…thnx for being in my moments in between the lines of this post too, Valerie. it’s sweetness to share the journey unspoken…
Thank you for your words of encouragement. What hit me the hardest was When I realized life was never going to be the same for me again, I stopped wishing to be rescued. I began to desperately pray for courage instead.
Thank you
thanks, shawn…
There’s a moment you can no longer fight the sinking feeling that life isn’t going to be the same. That sentence hit me hard last month. I’ve been in a tailspin of sorts since then. Thanks for your encouraging words reminding me to bolster my faith, as well as to open my hands, 1 more time!, and lay it down, again…
” I stopped wishing to be rescued.
I began to desperately pray for courage instead.”
Amen! This is a huge turning point, isn’t it? A few times during my painful journey, a friend has had to remind me not to be a victim. It can be easy to slip into “Poor me” mode, but I don’t know if there’s any freedom until we take the step to get out of that.
it’s hard when the pain is fresh… but, there is that turning point as you say.. and that turning point is as hard as it is a surrendering freedom… thnx for sharing, melissa…
I am broken by this. Thank you.
you are beauty in all this, teresa. beauty. thank you.
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When I sometimes get so immersed in my woundedness, I confess I am so centered in myself and cannot even think of others. Yet to think Jesus suffered far more excruciating pain in body and soul, and He still was thinking beautiful memories of each of us. With His purpose in mind for each of His cherished, beloved children. Just WOW! Thank you, Bonnie.
i know.. just the thought of it… it just so powerful touches me deep…
I’m so thankful he made a way for each of us to be brought in, to hold each of us as we lean in.
Love this, Bonnie:
“And that Goodness had a name.
It was God’s Spirit, alive in me.”
Amen!
“he made a way for each of us to be brought in, to hold each of us as we lean in.” now that is quotable… because that is your voice, Lisa. clear and warm and real. xoxo
Hebrews tells us that it was the joy that was set before Him that Jesus endured the cross. That joy wasn’t His reunion with the Father, but rather the saving hope for us…
He went to the furthest extreme to keep a promise of reconciliation with us, to give us a home with Him even now.
That scripture is the one my pastor/friend is always reminding me of. Thank you for the reminder again today.
As always, I am so Thankful to Papa for you.
Leaning in to Jesus Christ is the only way to fully live, Bonnie. Wonderful post of comfort. Someday I hope to have time to link up a post in your wonderful community. For now, I’ll be a cheerleader from the comments. Blessings, Friend.
here you are in the comments, Julie .. equally as wonderful and heart-warming… it’s *you* that makes this place warm and real. 🙂
Thank you, Bonnie, for such a lovely and inspiring post. May I share the song the Lord gave me in response – For He rose again
at http://scratch.mit.edu/users/aitan/
A gift song from the Lord
For He rose again
His love made it possible
For us to live in love.
His death made it possible
For us to be with God.
His life made it possible
For us to learn from Him.
His love makes it possible
For us to believe in Him.
For He rose again,
He triumphed over death,
He is our risen Lord.
For He rose again,
By the power of His Father God,
He is our risen Lord.
The stone was rolled away,
Jesus rose from the dead,
He is our risen Lord!
He is our risen Lord!
And we give You thanks,
O Lord our God,
Jesus is our risen Lord!
Thank You Lord!
Friday, 28 March 2014, 4:23 – 4:24 a.m.
Bible ref: Psalms 42:3-4, Psalms 42, 51, Isaiah 51:1-6, Matthew 27: 57 – 28:10, John 3:14, 8:28, 1 Corinthians 15:4
Other ref: Bonnie Gray, Faith Barista, Lean In. God Will Make A Way. With You. {Wounded}, 2014, March 27
thank you Ai, for all the beauty that’s flowing from your heart to us…
Hugs and tears. Love you Bonnie.
*hugs* and tears… xoxo
this is so real and honest and raw. Thank you for sharing. There is so much here to meditate on……I’m glad He is always,always, always for us, in us, loves us, cares, encourages……in the valley of the shadow of death………in depression, there. and always will lift us up and out and forward……..life has it’s seasons…….some much more pleasant than others! I think it’s most difficult when you want to understand and you can’t at the moment. He is there. We get to follow Him……and walk with Him………in faith and trust. Believing He knows what He is doing. He knows my life, better than I do. I’m safe in Him. I’m loved.
Rebecca
yes, that is the hardest. when we want to understand. and we can’t. there is pain in that. but, as you put it so well — Believing He knows…’m safe in Him. I’m loved.” thnx, rebecca.
I would truly like to believe your words, but after a lifetime of faithfulness, I feel pushed away by God. Suddenly and unexpectedly widowed a few months ago, I don’t feel comfort or peace. I feel alone, so alone. I feel hurt and betrayed. You are right, I will never, ever be the same again. I am now struggling not only with my grief, but financially as well. I suffered through an awful first marriage and was single for quite a while before finding the partner I was certain God wanted for me. After 13 years it’s all gone. I am truly angry that I was faithful and this is my reward? Then my son-in-law was accidently killed. I am not sure I can take much more. Two deaths and now having to sell my home. It’s hard to “lean in” to something you feel has let you be hurt so much.
Hi Sharon, I am only now beginning this leg of the journey that is “lean in”… and as you have shared so authentically, the journey of life you’ve found yourself dropped in the middle of is anything but lean in. You anger is understandable. I’m so sorry you’ve lost the love of your life… and I wouldn’t want you to feel like you ought to feel at peace with unexpected loss so deep. And an accidental death of your son-in-law. It sounds so overwhelmingly heartbreaking. Your hurt is very painful now, so I can only have words that honor your loss right now. Dear Jesus, you know all this is too much for Sharon. Please, please be near her as her heart breaks and mourns all these broken pieces. Lean into her, because right now, it’s just all too much. And I know you understand. Thank you for Sharon’s sharing here. Be near. So near… in Your Name, Amen.
I appreciate your acknowledgement of my pain and that you didn’t try to belittle it. I haven’t given up on God. Yet. Your prayer was a bit of water in the desert. Thank-you so much.
Yes Bonnie, this: “When I realized life was never going to be the same for me again, I stopped wishing to be rescued.I began to desperately pray for courage instead. To follow the journey through.”
Embracing my fragility. Leaning into Him and on His ability.
xo, Jeri
Bonnie,
I love the last line. Lean in. Be you. Even if the Holy Spirit has to do the leaning, we can be ourselves!
I have to be reminded of that. Thanks for helping us focus! (Prayers for Sharon)
In His Grip,
Today was a difficult day. PT didn’t go well, surgery is looming like a dark cloud on the horizon, arguments with coworkers, one job and then straight to another, physical pain always present along with a desire to not be tired, not be broken, not be in battle and not be getting ready to enter into yet another battle. I am so tired. So weary. I long for those memories you mentioned and, just before reading this post, I sang “God will make a way.” As I read your words, I felt the hand of God reaching down, and just cradling my face, in his hand. I need not fear the future, for I know what it holds. Him. More, much more, of Him. And like a lost lover, drunk on wine, I will search throughout this dark night, and the next, for Him. My all in all.
Thank you Bonnie.
Keep the words coming…
And the prayers.
Love in Christ
As I sit at home alone (again) and watch the snow come down (again), I found your post and it was as if God had placed in my view to read. I have been dealing with major depression for a few months now and even suicidal thoughts. I feel isolated from a world that I once was alive in. I don’t want to leave my house, but I don’t want to be here either. My husband walked out on us two weeks before Christmas seven years ago for another woman with five children by four different fathers. I had thyroid cancer four years ago and the surgery to remove it left me with vocal cord paralysis and unable to work. My father, whom I lived with and was taking care of is now in a nursing facility as of three months ago, and he probably won’t be with us much longer. I have five children who are teenagers and adults with their own lives. I have no close friends who live near by, but I do have a church family that are there for me when I need them. However, I have never been good at asking for help. I’ve always been “Ms. Independent” even when I was married. It is hard for me to accept that I cannot longer do it on my own anymore. I appreciate that you pointed out how much Jesus suffered for me and all of us. I know that He is there for me, and that is what keeps me hanging on. He is the rock that I lean on, and I thank Him for what He did for all of us. It hurts me to think of how He suffered. I just wish that the human factor in me would allow me to feel happiness again and see the beauty in life. I cry on a daily basis from loneliness, memories, and even Disney moments! I know that God answers prayers when He sees fit, and but it is hard to be patient when you are wounded. Thank you so much for sharing and allow me the comfort of knowing that I am not the only one who has gone through dark times while still trying to be faithful.
Oh how I needed to read this this morning, I thank God for your openness….
Your words touch and inspire me. Thank you Bonnie for sharing your story. Thank you for reminding me that “He gave His life” out of love.
No one understands pain and suffering, no one understands betrayal and abandonment more than Jesus. Jesus, our Savior, our Friend, the one who laid down His life, who took up his cross, when we did not deserve it, so that we might have life, abundant and beautiful, here and now, and forever.
Sometimes the darkness can make the light seem more beautiful. Would we appreciate the sunshine if it were not for the clouds?
I believe the same is true in life, we appreciate the beauty, we appreciate his sacrifice more if we have experienced dark times.
Awesome post, bless you.
Jesus’ sacrifice and wounding are hard to see in all the colors of vivid descriptions. Violence is difficult for me, so I find I am often repelled by accounts of His crucifixion, but recently their reality has touched a different chord in me. He loved us that much and was that committed to bringing the reality of God’s love and reconciliation to His people that he suffered the horrible beatings and cruel death on the cross. Now…I see all of this and am awestruck. Tears bead on the rims of my eyes at the realization of His surrender. There is so much pain still in our world and God knew it would always be a part of life, so He sent this perfect lamb to be the forever sacrifice so we would have a place of strength and solace to abide in during the tough times and happy times. I am thankful now for the clear yet torturous images in your blog’s descriptions. I realize the price that was paid for us and feel closer to knowing how much our beautiful Father God loves us. Merci!
WOW, another great post, Bonnie! So true and comforting are your words, the words the LORD gave you to share with those who so desperately need kind words (and courage). The insight on ‘the joy set before Him’ really helped me see the Love of Christ Jesus even better today. Thank you and bless the LORD Who never leaves or forsakes us in Jesus’ Name. Thank God for His Endurance, His Everlasting Love for us in Christ.
Thanks, Lisa. Hope yo’ure enjoying a restful weekend. Love, Bonnie