It was the first concert I had been to in years.
I haven’t been able to go anywhere where there is loud music.
But since my breakthrough in therapy earlier this year, the moments anxiety eases up are gradually emerging. I’ve always wanted to go to a Gungor concert. So last minute, as I felt well enough, I bought a ticket, texted Amanda our babysitter and found myself riding shotgun at dusk next to Eric.
It felt odd. Heading to San Francisco at a time when I am usually making my final laps of the day into dinner and folding the evening into Josh and Caleb’s bedtime.
As Eric and I stood in line, I felt awkwardly free. An unfamiliar feeling. It felt taboo to be out among the living, young and carefree. Do I belong here?
As we all pressed into each other, moving like a swarm of bees buzzing towards a melting popsicle left on a beach boardwalk, I ended up next to a pair of twenty-something girls with summer in their eyes, trendy wristlets swinging from their arms and party in their chatter. We had an hour left to kill.
Wandering
“So, you guys like Gungor?” I struck up a conversation.
“Yeah.” They replied in unison.
Eric scrolled through his iPhone while the two girls and I swapped notes on which songs were the best.
I found out they were both seminary students, who drove hours just to be there. They were both from Europe. One from Germany, the other from Spain. They had never been to San Francisco and were falling in love with everything that saw.
“So, what’re you studying…? …How did you end up here? …What’s next?” You might not think people that look happy and perfect have hard stories to share. But, they do.
The blond-haired girl with blue eyes and porcelain-bronzed skin tells me, half-yelling across the drone of hungry concert goers, “I’m not really sure what God wants me to do. I’ve told Him I’ll do whatever He wants me to do…”
She pauses. “But, I feel like I’ve been wandering… ”
Not So Different
Blue-eyed Girl tells me she’s always had a heart for people, but she’s been hurt. There have been dead ends when she felt for sure God had been opening doors.
I look. And I listen. I don’t say a word. But, I nod. And I sneak in an “Oh… Really? … Uh-huh…”
I don’t know if she can hear me. But, all of a sudden, it seemed to me there was no one else in the room.
Except me and her unspoken story.
The old me, pre-PTSD would’ve given her some cheerful advice.With what one usually would say in situations like this. Safe words.
But, now I hear and I see differently. I am not so different from anyone and everyone who feels lost.
When the world as we live in doesn’t match with the me we felt sure God once told us to be… don’t we all feel a little lost?
When we step out and try to be ourselves — and offer something authentic and real — and find it’s not good enough to someone… don’t we all lose sight of who we once believed we could be?
And when we know we have to face something hard — but we don’t know how long the journey will take — and we want to just give up — but we can’t go back either… aren’t we all wondering why God feels silent?
Any Other Way
We ask, “Is there any other way?”
In other words, we are all walking the same path of faith that’s led us into a dark garden.
It’s like that same garden Jesus found himself whispering into the thick silence. While wave upon wave of questions poured out of Him.
And the dilemma of turning left or right was both as painful as it was unwanted.
There was no way out. But in.
Is there any other way? Jesus asked this same question.
Stay With Me
I don’t think Jesus knew how long it would feel like to suffer. To be rejected. To be battered and bruised.
He didn’t have a timetable, to see how long the beatings would take. How long he’d have to drag the cross inch by inch, with lashes bleeding cut deep in his back. He didn’t know how it would feel yanked around in chains, from one place, then to another, in sleep deprivation.
He had never, ever experienced the feel of spit on his face while He shivered in the cold and alone.
The overwhelming anxiety of the unknown, but the certain pain and fear of what was to come brought Jesus to his knees. Right to where you and I go, when we don’t know what to do.
Overwhelmed, anxiety ridden, Jesus turned to those closest to him.
Some of the last words He chose to say, He said them feeling a desperation in the pit of his stomach. As He confided in them, Jesus stumbled right up to the edge of Himself.
Then he said to [Peter, James and John],
‘My soul is overwhelmed
with sorrow
to the point of death.
‘Stay here…with me.’
Going a little farther,
he fell with his face to the ground
and prayed, “My Father,
if there is any way,
get me out of this…
{ Matthew 26:31-39 }
Jesus asked someone to stay with Him that night.
Jesus needed someone to stay.
In The Middle Of It
The Scriptures tell us that Jesus was so overwhelmed with anguish that his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
Could Jesus have been experiencing panic attacks? If you’ve ever had one, you would understand the echo of this question and you would know the taste of tears coming out so painfully, your heart felt like it was bursting with heartache. And you would never see that night in Gethsemane the same way ever again.
This was how Jesus spent His final moments of solitude. The calm before the storm.
Stay here… with me. He asked.
Jesus is intimate and familiar with the pain of a journey unresolved — right in the middle of it.
Yet, unlike me, Jesus did not yield to temptation.
Jesus, instead, yielded to the journey.
Willingly.
Lovingly.
Tenderly.
Fully.
Completely.
For You. And Me.
We don’t have to be alone anymore. Even when we fail to yield.
Especially in the moments when we want to, but we don’t know how.
Jesus suffered. So He can stay. In the middle of it all. With you and me.
In our wandering, we are never truly lost.
Having Someone to hold on to. Changes everything.
Having Someone love you in the waiting — in the suffering. Changes you.
Love heals.
The Best Gift
As Blue-Eyed Girl stood there, suddenly looking a little tired, her eyes softened with doubt, she dips her head to one side and shrugs with a smile.
“You know…” I begin, looking into her eyes, so she knows I’m not just saying what’s polite. “I think we’re all wanderers in this life. We’re all on a journey, no matter how old we are. Jesus is always calling us to go — to follow Him.”
I take a deep breath, lean towards her ear, and put my hand on her shoulder, “Maybe wandering is living out faith. Maybe the best gift we can offer to others wandering in this world without hope is to walk as a wanderer with them — except with hope. Maybe being willing to wander is one of the biggest gift we can give to Jesus.”
Something in Blue-Eyed Girl breathed. And she gave me a big hug. “Thank you,” she smiled, as she squeezed my hand.
Then, the crowd started squealing and screaming.
Because the concert was starting. And there was no more space for words to be heard.
Later, as the music covered us with lights dimmed and the stage lit, someone nudged my elbow. It was Blue-Eyed Girl.
Lisa Gungor was up on stage, singing my favorite song from the new album.
Wandering (click here to listen).
Today, if you’re on the journey of faith, you and I can’t go back to where we’ve been, even though it’s hard not knowing where our journey leads.
But, we can hold on to Someone. He’s wandered willingly into darkness to make us His.
He is staying.
Because love is the home Jesus makes.
In you and in me.
~~~~~
Where has your journey led you this week?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. This is a quiet place to rest awhile. And stay.
~~~~~
A Special 7-Week Faith Jam Series: {The Journey}
For the seven Faith Jam Thursdays leading up to Easter, I am selecting writing prompts to reflect movements in Lent. Lent means “The Way of the Cross”. In other words, Lent is “The Journey”.
You have been my safety to find my voice here on the blog and I hope this space here on Faith Barista can be that for you — as we explore these Journey-Inspired prompts together.
Let’s do this. You and me. Us and together. Let’s swap some stories.
This is a soulful, creative 6 week journey to open our hearts and journey together. You can write in the comments or link up with your blog posts.
~~~~~~
**NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — LINK UP IN THE FAITH JAM **
HTML Code For the Faith Jam Faith Fresh Badge
Faith Barista Jam Thursdays
1) I serve up a writing prompt. Let the topic soak in your heart, then publish your post the following Thursday and link up to share it with us. If you don’t have a blog, just write directly in the comments.
TO LINK UP: Click the blue button below: “Add Your Link” and type in the *specific* URL to your blog post (not just the name of your blog). (Subscribers: click here to get there directly).
2) Place the Faith Jam Badge in your post. It’s a welcome sign for our community, inviting others. Grab the HTML Code above. Thank you.
3) Then, pull up a chair. Visit the post before yours and say hi with a comment. Make a faith friend.
*Today’s Thursday’s 3/20/14 Writing prompt :
Stay
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #3 of {The Journey Series}, the journey to Easter.*Next Thursday 3/27/14 Writing prompt:
Wounded
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #4 of {The Journey Series}, the journey to Easter.May the writing prompt bring you to a quiet place inside your soul and spark a soul conversation to share with us in community.
Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Click here to learn more.
** Don’t miss! ** If you are new to Faith Barista, I’d like welcome you here.Click to subscribe by email and get each post in this series served up hot and fresh directly in your mailbox.
53 Comments
Bonnie, I am really connecting with you now!
“I take a deep breath, lean towards her ear, and put my hand on her shoulder, “Maybe wandering is living out faith. Maybe the best gift we can offer to others wandering in this world without hope is to walk as a wanderer with them — except with hope. Maybe being willing to wander is one of the biggest gift we can give to Jesus.”
I, too, suffer with anxiety and have had some pretty raging panic attacks, some not too long ago. One of the most awful feelings in the world. But, you are right in that it makes us stay with Him, lean on Him, seek HIm and want to do good for HIm.
Thank you SO very much for your words today, my friend.
With a grateful heart,
Kristin
Kristin, it is the most awful feeling in the world. When it’s happening, it is inescapable. But, we’re coming alive with each voice we express. keep sharing your story.
WoW, Bonnie! Great post. Speaks to me on different levels. The song is just right too! The Holy Spirit is the Best Orchestrator! Praise the Holy, Holy, Holy Name of the LORD! Enjoy this day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it thanking Him for all the good memories in Christ Jesus’ Name.
so nice to share this morning together, lisa. special to enjoy a song together.
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Great post once again! I love hearing about your journey. :o) Prayed for you.
Nikole! so good to hear your voice, friend! hope you’ve been well. how’s your journey…?
Bonnie,
Love this post. LOVE it! I never, ever thought of Jesus not wanting to be alone.
This is an issue in my life, and I’m trying to find balance now (from one extreme to another). Right now it’s EASY to be alone, so less complicated. No fear involved at all, but it’s still not healthy. It’s always something. No?
So in doing Jennifer Lee’s Love Idol Challenge, which led me to give up personal FB for Lent, I’m now also convicted to leave other personal Social Media behind. I redirected my FB time to Pinterest and Twitter, instead of turning to God. Now I’m seeing I turn my attention to people online instead of face to face, all.the.time. I need to live with my attention directed towards Jesus – give Him my time and trust Him to put people in my path, to engage with them from the overflow (whether in face to face or online). The whole “return to my first love” prayer.
Sigh.
Always learning.
Thanks for the illumination in this.
it’s so awesome how aware you are, Marina. the Holy Spirit at work, moving you towards your first love…
Such a soul-searching reflection, Bonnie. Thank you. Jesus’ sweat was as great drops of blood, so I think He must have suffered anxiety attacks more severe than any of us put together. That’s why He can understand us so deeply, why He cares so infinitely, because He has been there. Such a beautiful thought that we can never be alone in this “wandering,” no matter how painful.
it’s so comforting. we’re never alone. thnx, Trudy.
there was no way out. but in. i love those words. that thought. being so thankful that in my in i am not alone. ever. oh, sometimes i feel alone, sometimes, i even want to be alone. but i never am . . .because He is in with me.
so many things in this post spoke to me. i’ve been reflecting on Jesus, the man, this past week. and the fact He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to suffer. but He was obedient. How i wish i was. i try. to be in.
sweet Susan. we will try to be in. and help each other when we can’t. love keeps us close to Him. and each other.
Oh my. This concept would be new to me. a wanderer. You give me much to think on.
I have felt like I was wandering the past 2 years of my life, and have questioned what and Who I believe in.
It is ok to question.
So glad Papa is not afraid of those hard questions!
Thank You for the link to the song. It will be going on my playlist I use when I paint.
Thank You as always for sharing your heart and love with us.
thanks for sharing the morning together. i’ve been on this same journey myself. and no matter where or how far. He is with us. and we can find each other. and journey together.
Tears of joy and release fall as I read your beautiful, healing words. Thank you for these blessed words! My wounded spirit embraces their truth and stands taller because of them. We all who have been wounded and found His presence become so thankful for the gift of His life and raise an echoing Hallelujah throughout the universe. He is risen and we are His, blessed by His blood and tears. Merci, ma petite soeur.
Bien sur, ma belle soeur!
“Having Someone to hold on to. Changes everything.”
Yes, yes. Now the challenge is to stay with the One who stays with me. I’m glad you ventured out to Gungor and talked with the girls. God uses you, Bonnie. Thanks for letting Him.
I loved your post today you shared in the Faith Jams, Lisa. About being in the now. It’s where my journey through suffering is leading me and it’s beautiful to be share in the now with God and others. In the middle of it all. Definitely not natural to me. Because thinking about the past or future is safer than now. But, it’s much more real and alive to be in the now. With friends. Like you!
“Yet, unlike me, Jesus did not yield to temptation. Jesus, instead, yielded to the journey.
Willingly. Lovingly. Tenderly. Fully. Completely. For You. And Me.”
I’ve been realizing that for much of my years in this season of my life, I have yielded to the temptation of running from my Via Dolorosa, and running from others as well. Distraction, withdrawal and isolation. Yet you have painted that beautiful picture of submission to the journey, to the Father, in the face of the untold dread that filled Jesus. He chose as you said, to go ‘in’; He also chose to ask for support. He showed us the way. Clearly. He understands fully. He stayed in His humanity and showed me I could too.
Thanks again, Bonnie.
That’s what struck me too. That Jesus needed others too. And He was/is the Son of God! It really was a big ah-ha moment for me. I’t’s okay to need others… now that is a new journey of faith. 🙂 thanks for sharing your voice in the jam, Sita!
Bonnie,
Beautiful words about just how much Jesus loves us and that we’re never alone. Thank you for the gift of sharing your thoughts with us!
so nice to share the morning together, Valerie. i loved what you shared on your blog about dreams. may the journey continue to go deeper…. and your words pour out richer for it, friend.
Beautiful and comforting words. Finding peace in our wandering……we all are wandering…..that is thought provoking. Always blessed when I visit your cyber home.
Renee, I’m thinking of you, as you move forward in your journey of healing… as your story continues to unfold. thnx for sharing your “deeper water” post today. you made that passage new for me. and it’s soul-savoring. I love visiting your cyber home too!
and even as we wander
our hearts are in His hand
He knows who we are
and where we are
always!
oh, i feel you just splurged a soul mocha on me… your poetry is prayer. straight to the heart. you sing!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING IN YOUR UNIQUE, HEARTFELT WAY. I AM ACUTELY AWARE THAT
I TOO FEEL VERY MUCH LIKE A WANDERER ON THIS EARTH, BUT I HAVE THAT BLESSED HOPE, AND I
FOLLOW JESUS BECAUSE I FEEL THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO GO.
MY FEELING OF “HOMESICKNESS” IS WITH ME VIRTUALLY EVERY MOMENT, EVEN AS I WEAR MY
EARTHLY MASKS AND DO WHAT I FEEL I MUST DO TO SIMPLY SEE IT THROUGH.
THANK GOD FOR KINDRED SPIRITS LIKE YOU WHO HAVE THE COURAGE TO BE VULNERABLE AND
OPEN AND HONEST, WILLING TO SHARE THOSE THINGS OF THE HEART AND SPIRIT, AS I FEEL GOD
HAS INDEED CALLED YOU TO DO.
AS WE WANDER TOGETHER, WE BECOME AWARE THAT THE LORD’S FAMILY IS INDEED UNIFIED IN
OUR DEEPEST LONGINGS: WE ARE HIS.
HAVE YOU READ C.S. LEWIS? HE IS ALSO A KINDRED SPIRIT; FOLLOWING IS A QUOTE FROM HIS
BIOGRAPHY, BY ALISTER McGRATH:
WE ARE, LEWIS SAYS, LIKE A SEED PATIENTLY WAITING IN THE EARTH; WAITING TO COME UP A
FLOWER IN THE GARDENER’S GOOD TIME, UP INTO THE REAL WORLD, THE REAL WAKING. I SUPPOSE
THAT OUR WHOLE PRESENT LIFE, LOOKED BACK ON FROM THERE, WILL SEEM ONLY A DROWSY HALF-
WAKING. WE ARE HERE IN THE LAND OF DREAMS. BUT COCK-CROW IS COMING!
ANOTHER QUOTE FROM LEWIS:
IF I FIND IN MYSELF A DESIRE WHICH NO EXPERIENCE IN THIS WORLD CAN SATISFY, THE MOST
PROBABLE EXPLANATION IS THAT I WAS MADE FOR ANOTHER WORLD. (FROM “MERE CHRISTIANITY,”
BOOK 3, CHAPTER 10.)
SO HERE I/WE ARE, DEAR FAITH, PRESSING ON, PRESSING IN…..
YOURS IN CHRIST,
MARY
press on… Mary… wonderful to hear your voice….
Sorry Bonnie but I highly doubt that Jesus didn’t know how long the torture was going to be. Nor what exactly He would suffer. Sweating blood was knowing what He had to face. I don’t think it was an anxiety attack. Jesus was not clueless. Jesus as God knew exactly what was going to happen to Him and how long the whole horrible process was going to be, because He knew that Satan was going to have free reign to do this to our Savior. He knew the hour of His death, too. He had to die prior to the sun setting on the Sabbath because the women could not anoint His body for burial till after the sun set 24 hours later. (although they had to wait for the sun to rise the following morning, so they could see.) So yes, there was a specific time table involved.
Knowing ahead of time what He would have to endure makes His sacrifice all the more precious. He willingly went into it for us because His love is something we have not yet begun to appreciate fully.
Hi Christine, thanks for sharing with us… and adding your voice. this is a place to hear friends hang out, to move through this reflection together.
Dearest Bonnie,
I hope I didn’t come across too strongly in what I thought about Jesus and the whole horrid torture He went through. I thought about it for awhile and was reflecting on what I knew of Him from the scriptures. I know it is just a different opinion and another way of looking at what Jesus went through. I hope you were not offended or taken aback.
wow. The idea that Jesus had a panic attack….that just blew my mind! I have had a panic attack, I remember asking my husband to stay with me because it was the only thing that seemed like an answer, to make it stop. But then he went to bed, and I still was struggling, and my friend was online and through messages, talked me through it. The next one was conquered with prayer and surrender and left me with the deepest experience of the Holy Spirit I’ve ever had.
Morag, that is so awesome – how a friend was there right in the middle of it with you! and yes, our husbands are only human. 🙂 we love them just the same. those hubbies carry a lot on their shoulders too walking through their journeys. that’s why we need each other. sisters for the journey and i’m so glad you’re here online along mine!
Hi Bonnie,
Thank you Friend for these words today. God used them in a mighty way. 🙂
“Having Someone to hold on to. Changes everything.
Having Someone love you in the waiting — in the suffering. Changes you.”
Suffering does change us. When self protection falters, when everything passes away, God is still there. Jesus suffered for me. That night in Gethsemane never fails to open my heart wide. His words spoken in anguish, in such deep sorrow knowing what He had to endure, humbles me. And the humanness of that moment, when He asked God if this cup could be taken from him, but yet submitted to His will demonstrates God’s amazing grace for us.
He was overwhelmed, and alone in His grief, yet He submitted to His father’s will. When I was younger, it was a verse that I read, but never could quite grasp the magnitude of that moment. God, in human form, dying for me. Liberating me. To be known. To be loved. To be FREE.
You’re so right, suffering changes us. For all of the sorrow I have experienced in my life, I wouldn’t change the lessons that God taught me…is still teaching me. Thank you for your words today. They spoke to my heart.
“You’re so right, suffering changes us. For all of the sorrow I have experienced in my life, I wouldn’t change the lessons that God taught me…is still teaching me. ” wow. Veronica. You are so present in your journey. Tenderness and beauty. That’s what I see. thnk you for sharing with us.
Bonnie, you’ve poignantly written between the lines of the scriptural account of Gethsemane and the hours following. Out of Jesus’ agony comes great comfort for us: “In our wandering, we are never truly lost.” Thank you for your thought-provoking insights.
such comfort to reflect together, Nancy. so glad you’re here.
Dear Bonnie,
I had to come back to this post today as when I was looking through other email correspon’dance’ I received today, I found a link to a free album download of a group related to Gungor called The Brilliance, so I’d like to share:
http://www.noisetrade.com/thebrilliancemusic/road-recordings
Besides ‘Wandering’, I am dancing in the spirit to “May You Find the Light” today too! Thank you for introducing me to Gungor and now The Brilliance. Absolutely beautiful! I really liked the photo you used for today’s message also – brilliant and so like our God, Light of the world that casts out all darkness in Christ Jesus!
Lisa! We are kindred spirits! I love that song from The Brilliance. Seriously. one of my favorites. Thank you for sharing it here.
We’re all on a journey, no matter how old we are. Jesus is always calling us to go — to follow Him.
So, so true! What’s amazing to me is I’m not even sure where my journey is headed and I’m (surprisingly) okay with that. Usually, I’m such a creature of habit and consistency. It’s a bit exhilarating to be excited about the unknown! 🙂
I’ve often wondered about Jesus as he prepared for what was to come. What he felt knowing that he was sacrificing all for us. It sure does sound anxiety/panic attack related. He definitely suffered it all for our sake. What a truly selfless sacrifice.
So happy for you to get to go see Gungor! 🙂 I’ve just discovered their music and I really like it!
Happy Spring!
I love what you shared with this young girl. The difference we have is hope. I can wander through the unknown because of Jesus. He is my hope and my joy, no matter how hard some days may seem. I often think that I know the end of the story and we are on the winning side. That makes all the difference. So in the meantime, I chose to trust Him, follow Him and …obey Him.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
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I’m in the middle of it now….thank you for these words.
Wow. Yes. Just yes.
Bonnie, your words always strike me to heart. You have such a beautiful, tender spirit and a willingness to share your life with others in a way that makes them feel that they are not going through unchartered waters. May God continue to bring you healing, restoration, and courage to share with people all that He is doing in your life! You are a blessing.
WIth Love in Christ Jesus,
Brandi
Wow. I’ve been following your blog for over a year now, and it’s crazy because every time I open this page it’s like God has something powerful to say to me through you—thank you Bonnie. It’s been such a strong battle for me lately, because I’ve felt so lost….I’m 21 and with my own messed up childhood story, studying Theology but finding that I just don’t know how to embrace that love that I study so much about..and at times it makes me feel like such a terrible Christian! I’m so tired of wondering and never knowing where God wants me to go and afraid that I’ll just end up failing Him… but it’s good to see that I’m not alone on these feelings, and to have those remainders that someday things will get better.
My journey this week took me to the ER. That’s where they tell you to go when you want to die but you know you have to live. When there are people who need you to be alive. I walked out the front door not knowing if I was going to get help or going to indulge the temptation. I got on the bus. And I thought about my parents coming to visit, who don’t know Christ. So I got off the bus outside a glowing EMERGENCY sign, walked in and faced the place of nightmares where I was drugged and abused years ago after I overdosed. They left me sitting for hours in a little room with a security camera, and I listened to the screaming of adults begging not to be given needles, and they reminded me so much of the screaming of kids in the psychiatric hospital, begging for help they weren’t getting. I remembered the sound of the six year old boy crying for his mommy in the next room, and my thirteen year old self sobbing on my bed, knowing I’d be in trouble if I went into his room but wanting to comfort him and stop his tears. Wanting to tell him his mommy would come back, because when you’re that little you don’t know if she will. I spoke to the crisis worker who treated me like a criminal, and then stared at the wall for a few more hours. Finally I went to the doorway and asked the next nurse I saw if I could go home.
She came in. She spoke to me for a minute. She didn’t treat me like a criminal. That was when I started to cry. She asked me if I wanted water, she checked what order in line I was to see the doctor, she brought me magazines. And I thanked her, for treating me like I’m a person. Because some days all I want is to be treated like I’m a person.
I heard whispers from the room across the hall. A schizophrenic man was there, with a priest. The man was scared. Like me. The priest said to him, “This is sickness, and sickness isn’t punished. It’s treated.” And then he prayed for the man. And I whispered “amen”. And I prayed for the woman who was screaming because she wanted to go, because they wouldn’t even tell her what they were putting in her body. And I prayed for the people who couldn’t pray for themselves, or even speak for themselves, the people who have been forgotten and the ones who would do anything for an escape. And I waited.
When the doctor finally saw me, he told me to go home. He told me they couldn’t do anything for me. He told me to call a crisis line and stay at home next time, the same crisis line that tells me to go to the hospital instead of calling them. I walked out the same burden I walked in as, the person who is not a person, who is passed off to someone else because no one wants to deal with her. I went home the re-lapsing anorexic whose brain is on fire from the headaches and who wakes up at night having flashbacks of walking over stones at the cottage as a kid, and holding the hand of a grieving mother after her child died. I fell asleep that night the girl who is respected in the church and pressured to be good, because they want her to be a leader. I woke up the next morning the girl who lies because nobody who knows the truth wants anything to do with her. I got out of bed the sweet, timid doormat who is angry and ashamed inside but who lets people walk over her for the sake of both altruism and self-preservation, if both can somehow co-exist.
And I wait. I wait until someone hears or sees or helps me. I wait until my body gives up. I wait until I’m in a bed among the broken, listening to screaming and being forced to eat. And it may not be much. It may be almost nothing. But no matter where I am, I will try to be like that nurse I met. I will treat people like they are human. I will try to be like that priest I heard. I will pray for the broken and not condemn them. Because I am them. We are all them. We are all the broken, and we aren’t condemned.
I don’t care about denominations.
I hate arguments over religion.
I don’t want to be a fake, perfect church girl.
But I believe that Jesus is God and He is good.
And I believe in loving people.
Regardless.
And I can’t be perfect or even okay. But I’m not going to let that dictate how I treat the people around me.
I’m just going to pray for them and love them as long as I’m alive to do it.
Let’s love others in whatever way we can today.
Hi friend, I hope this week is better. And if it’s not, I hope this note reminds you that you are not alone. And that dark as the night is right now for you, you are on a journey worth all the pain — because you are breaking free to be the real you. I know this is a desperately painful journey because you’re going to have to let a lot of things go — and watch them break. But, it’s all for something. Something beautiful that’s still alive in you – the girl God created, loves — the girl God has always loved, cherished. He loves you for just as you are. And I know you will find others who will accept you for who you are. I urge you to find a recovery group because people who are on the journey can walk the jourey with you and you can feel safe with them. Thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable with us. I know it will help many reading to know they are not alone and each of our stories are worth telling and living. Lord Jesus, please be with my friend in very, very intimate way. Touch her heart so she can feel you near her and give her courage to break free and walk away from what is untrue to find those you bring into her life on the same healing journey Thank Jesus for loving her. Be faithful and near to her today. You Jesus’ name. Amen.
Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iphone and tested to see if it can survive a twenty five foot
drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.
I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it
with someone!