It was the first concert I had been to in years.

I haven’t been able to go anywhere where there is loud music.

But since my breakthrough in therapy earlier this year, the moments anxiety eases up are gradually emerging. I’ve always wanted to go to a Gungor concert.  So last minute, as I felt well enough, I bought a ticket, texted Amanda our babysitter and found myself riding shotgun at dusk next to Eric.

It felt odd. Heading to San Francisco at a time when I am usually making my final laps of the day into dinner and folding the evening into Josh and Caleb’s bedtime.

As Eric and I stood in line, I felt awkwardly free. An unfamiliar feeling. It felt taboo to be out among the living, young and carefree. Do I belong here?

As we all pressed into each other, moving like a swarm of bees buzzing towards a melting popsicle left on a beach boardwalk, I ended up next to a pair of twenty-something girls with summer in their eyes, trendy wristlets swinging from their arms and party in their chatter. We had an hour left to kill.

Wandering

“So, you guys like Gungor?” I struck up a conversation.

“Yeah.” They replied in unison.

Eric scrolled through his iPhone while the two girls and I swapped notes on which songs were the best.

I found out they were both seminary students, who drove hours just to be there. They were both from Europe. One from Germany, the other from Spain. They had never been to San Francisco and were falling in love with everything that saw.

“So, what’re you studying…? …How did you end up here? …What’s next?” You might not think people that look happy and perfect have hard stories to share. But, they do.

The blond-haired girl with blue eyes and porcelain-bronzed skin tells me, half-yelling across the drone of hungry concert goers, “I’m not really sure what God wants me to do. I’ve told Him I’ll do whatever He wants me to do…”

She pauses. “But, I feel like I’ve been wandering… ”

Not So Different

Blue-eyed Girl tells me she’s always had a heart for people, but she’s been hurt. There have been dead ends when she felt for sure God had been opening doors.

I look. And I listen. I don’t say a word. But, I nod. And I sneak in an “Oh… Really? … Uh-huh…”

I don’t know if she can hear me. But, all of a sudden, it seemed to me there was no one else in the room.

Except me and her unspoken story.

The old me, pre-PTSD would’ve given her some cheerful advice.With what one usually would say in situations like this. Safe words.

But, now I hear and I see differently. I am not so different from anyone and everyone who feels lost.

When the world as we live in doesn’t match with the me we felt sure God once told us to be… don’t we all feel a little lost?

When we step out and try to be ourselves — and offer something authentic and real — and find it’s not good enough to someone… don’t we all lose sight of who we once believed we could be?

And when we know we have to face something hard — but we don’t know how long the journey will take — and we want to just give up — but we can’t go back either… aren’t we all wondering why God feels silent?

Any Other Way

We ask, “Is there any other way?”

In other words, we are all walking the same path of faith that’s led us into a dark garden.

It’s like that same garden Jesus found himself whispering into the thick silence. While wave upon wave of questions poured out of Him.

And the dilemma of turning left or right was both as painful as it was unwanted.

There was no way out. But in.

Is there any other way? Jesus asked this same question.

Stay With Me

I don’t think Jesus knew how long it would feel like to suffer. To be rejected. To be battered and bruised.

He didn’t have a timetable, to see how long the beatings would take. How long he’d have to drag the cross inch by inch, with lashes bleeding cut deep in his back. He didn’t know how it would feel yanked around in chains, from one place, then to another, in sleep deprivation.

He had never, ever experienced the feel of spit on his face while He shivered in the cold and alone.

The overwhelming anxiety of the unknown, but the certain pain and fear of what was to come brought Jesus to his knees. Right to where you and I go, when we don’t know what to do.

Overwhelmed, anxiety ridden, Jesus turned to those closest to him.

Some of the last words He chose to say, He said them feeling a desperation in the pit of his stomach.  As He confided in them, Jesus stumbled right up to the edge of Himself.

Then he said to [Peter, James and John],

‘My soul is overwhelmed

with sorrow

to the point of death.

‘Stay here…with me.’

Going a little farther,

he fell with his face to the ground

and prayed, “My Father,

if there is any way,

get me out of this…
{ Matthew 26:31-39 }

Jesus asked someone to stay with Him that night.

Jesus needed someone to stay.

In The Middle Of It

The Scriptures tell us that Jesus was so overwhelmed with anguish that his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

Could Jesus have been experiencing panic attacks?  If you’ve ever had one, you would understand the echo of this question and you would know the taste of tears coming out so painfully, your heart felt like it was bursting with heartache.  And you would never see that night in Gethsemane the same way ever again.

This was how Jesus spent His final moments of solitude.  The calm before the storm.

Stay here… with me. He asked.

Jesus is intimate and familiar with the pain of a journey unresolved — right in the middle of it.

Yet, unlike me, Jesus did not yield to temptation.

Jesus, instead, yielded to the journey.

Willingly.

Lovingly.

Tenderly.

Fully.

Completely.

For You.  And Me.

We don’t have to be alone anymore. Even when we fail to yield.

Especially in the moments when we want to, but we don’t know how.

Jesus suffered.  So He can stay. In the middle of it all. With you and me.

In our wandering, we are never truly lost.

Having Someone to hold on to.  Changes everything.

Having Someone love you in the waiting — in the suffering. Changes you.

Love heals.

The Best Gift

As Blue-Eyed Girl stood there, suddenly looking a little tired, her eyes softened with doubt, she dips her head to one side and shrugs with a smile.

“You know…”  I begin, looking into her eyes, so she knows I’m not just saying what’s polite. “I think we’re all wanderers in this life.  We’re all on a journey, no matter how old we are.  Jesus is always calling us to go — to follow Him.”

I take a deep breath, lean towards her ear, and put my hand on her shoulder, “Maybe wandering is living out faith. Maybe the best gift we can offer to others wandering in this world without hope is to walk as a wanderer with them — except with hope.  Maybe being willing to wander is one of the biggest gift we can give to Jesus.”

Something in Blue-Eyed Girl breathed.  And she gave me a big hug.  “Thank you,” she smiled, as she squeezed my hand.

Then, the crowd started squealing and screaming.

Because the concert was starting. And there was no more space for words to be heard.

Later, as the music covered us with lights dimmed and the stage lit, someone nudged my elbow.  It was Blue-Eyed Girl.

Lisa Gungor was up on stage, singing my favorite song from the new album.

Wandering (click here to listen).

Today, if you’re on the journey of faith, you and I can’t go back to where we’ve been, even though it’s hard not knowing where our journey leads.

But, we can hold on to Someone. He’s wandered willingly into darkness to make us His.

He is staying.

Because love is the home Jesus makes.

In you and in me.

~~~~~

Where has your journey led you this week?

Pull up a chair. Click to comment. This is a quiet place to rest awhile. And stay.

~~~~~

A Special 7-Week Faith Jam Series:  {The Journey}

For the seven Faith Jam Thursdays leading up to Easter, I am selecting writing prompts to reflect movements in Lent.  Lent means “The Way of the Cross”.  In other words, Lent is “The Journey”.

You have been my safety to find my voice here on the blog and I hope this space here on Faith Barista can be that for you — as we explore these Journey-Inspired prompts together.

Let’s do this. You and me. Us and together. Let’s swap some stories.

This is a soulful, creative 6 week journey to open our hearts and journey together.  You can write in the comments or link up with your blog posts.

~~~~~~

**NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — LINK UP IN THE FAITH JAM **

HTML Code For the Faith Jam Faith Fresh Badge

 

Faith Barista Jam Thursdays

1) I serve up a writing prompt. Let the topic soak in your heart, then publish your post the following Thursday and link up to share it with us.  If you don’t have a blog, just write directly in the comments.

TO LINK UP: Click the blue button below: “Add Your Link” and type in the *specific* URL to your blog post (not just the name of your blog). (Subscribers: click here to get there directly).

2) Place the Faith Jam Badge in your post.  It’s a welcome sign for our community, inviting others. Grab the HTML Code above. Thank you.

3) Then, pull up a chair. Visit the post before yours and say hi with a comment. Make a faith friend.

*Today’s Thursday’s 3/20/14 Writing prompt :
Stay
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #3 of {The Journey Series}, the journey to Easter.

*Next Thursday 3/27/14 Writing prompt:
Wounded
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #4 of {The Journey Series}, the journey to Easter.

May the writing prompt bring you to a quiet place inside your soul and spark a soul conversation to share with us in community.

Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Click here to learn more.

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