I don’t want to be one of those people.
Someone who is afraid.
Someone who can’t deal with hard things.
Someone who has failed to overcome the things that could make me fall down.
But, here I was, unable to deny that —
I am afraid.
I’m discouraged and I can’t find my way.
What I’m really trying to say — what I’m terrified to face is this —
I can’t make my place in this world.
And I’m afraid you’re going to walk away from me.
You’re going to turn your face away and shake your head.
And leave me here.
All alone.
Place of Empty
These are the words I found myself speaking in the dark room of my soul nearly two years ago.
When my panic attacks first began.
You would’ve never known I had truly felt this way. Because quite honestly, I had never allowed myself to stay in this place of empty for very long.
All my life, I’ve nurtured a determination to do whatever I could to never come close to this place of alonenness. I am a child of light. Why would I want to face into darkness? I believed that faith was relegated to creating a safe place for myself in this world and for the ones I love.
I never imagined that faith in Jesus is exactly what it takes to enter into this place of truth and vulnerability — this place of empty.
By the grace of God, Jesus knew it wasn’t time for me to fully be in that place for most of my life. Jesus gave me a growing faith to survive and empowered me to have great joy to do lots wonderful and beautiful things with Him — and for Him — to serve and love Him. He’s given me a deep passion to serve others, to enjoy people and extend an open heart of friendship, comfort and encouragement wherever I go.
But, Jesus somehow led me on a path He knew would place me at the doorway of fear and confusion.
Jesus knew I was strong enough to finally face the parts of me He wanted to love back to life: my wounded self.
And Jesus knew that I would no longer be able to provide for myself, using the strength and hope I’ve always drawn from.
He knew that I would no longer be able to create a safe place for myself in this world any longer.
Jesus knows because he’s been there himself.
This place of alone.
This place of empty.
Heartsick
Did Jesus have panic attacks in the garden of Gethsamane?
I think maybe he could have.
“And being in agony… his sweat became like drops of blood, falling down upon the ground.” Luke 22:44.
Jesus had escaped to a private place where He felt safe. It was there Matthew tells us “Jesus fell on His face and prayed, saying “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me.” (Matt. 26:39)
The Gospel of Mark gives us a private moment into Jesus we rarely talk about: “He began to be very distressed and troubled.” Overwhelmed by anxiety, Jesus confides to Peter, James and John. “My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death.” (Mk.14:33,34)
Jesus is utterly heartsick, down where pain has never reached before.
No Other Way
Even though Jesus was in total control of His choice to become the scapegoat for sin, Jesus cried out, “Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me…”. (Mk.14:36)
If there was any other way out, He wished for it then.
But there wasn’t any other way.
His cry has been my cry. God, please. Anything but this. Isn’t there any other way?
Jesus knew He had to face the toughest journey: brokenness.
Even though Jesus placed Himself willingly in God’s rescue plan before the beginning of time, Jesus stepped into the place of empty. (Phil. 2:5-8)
I imagine Jesus falling to the ground, struggling to breathe, choking waves of tears, his body shaking, hot from crying his eyes out, his chest hurting from the intensity — and I ask, “How did you do it Jesus? How can I endure something so dark when I am not you?”
He Answers
Jesus answers me by allowing me to hear His voice — thick with sadness — crying in the garden of Gethsamne.
“… yet not my will, but Yours be done.” (Matt. 26:39, Mk 14:26, Lk 22:42)
You can accept this Bonnie —
because I know how it feels when God’s plan leads the world to see you as wounded. Broken.
I will give you the courage to accept this. You don’t have to be strong. I will be strong for you.
Jesus points me to the scene of his betrayal, when Peter tried to stop Jesus from walking down the path of weakness,
“Put the sword into the sheath; the cup which the Father has given Me, shall I not drink it?” (Jn 18:11)
You can swallow this cup Bonnie —
because I drank from it myself. You don’t have to fight it. It’s time to drink it.
You can feel afraid with me. I will hold you and love you through it.
I look into Jesus’ eyes. His gaze is aching. Tender with my pain.
In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus said, “Not my will…”.
Jesus had a will — and it was contrary to God’s will — in that moment of suffering (Heb.5:7-10).
It is comforting because even as I took this cup in my hand, I didn’t want it.
Jesus understands this tension.
He understands my dilemma and how it makes me feel ashamed because of it.
Time and Again
Unlike me, Jesus did not sin in His temptation to avoid the place of empty.
Jesus surrenders and says, “Not my will, but Yours be done.”
I too want to be resolute like Jesus and face the reality of hard things. But, I want to do this act just once — when in fact, it’s time and again we fall and rise with Jesus.
From sun up to sun down, Jesus walks with us.
When we can’t make a place for ourselves in this world, Jesus gently whispers —
Come here.
Into my arms.
You can always stay here. With me.
I am your place.
Forever.
Are you finding yourself holding a cup that you don’t want to drink?
You don’t have to want the cup in order to take it.
And drink it.
With Jesus.
Jesus folds your hand into His today.
Let’s embrace the reality of what has happened — what is happening — and what needs to happen.
This is a new kind of obedience, one that our sweet Lord Jesus learned to embraced himself as well.
We don’t have to be ashamed.
A Place For Us
No matter what is hurt or broken — whether it’s our childhood, a relationship, career, marriage, our children, health, finances or ministry — our dreams or opportunities — this place of empty is never out of His reach.
There is a place for us.
Jesus gathers us into His arms where we are truly safe. Safe to experience our traumas, safe to be real, loved and accepted.
I’m smiling, as I show you my tears. We’re kindreds, you and me.
We are both stepping into a place of vulnerability, so that we can feel the touch of His healing.
This is where Jesus is shining through — with new strength and new hope — to walk in new ways in this world.
You and I — we are one of those people.
We are safe, hidden in the heart of Jesus.
You and I — we have a story to tell.
Yes, you and I — He’s prepared a place for us — the most beautiful place in this world.
It’s Jesus in us.
~~~~~
Where has the journey of faith led you today — what is the cup before you?
What is Jesus saying to you in this place?
Pull up a chair and stay awhile. Click to comment.
~~~~~
A Special 6-Week Faith Jam Series: {The Journey}
For the six Faith Jam Thursdays leading up to Easter, I am selecting writing prompts to reflect movements in Lent. Lent means “The Way of the Cross”. In other words, Lent is “The Journey”.
Click here to read all the posts in {The Journey} series.
Let’s do this. You and me. Us and together. Let’s swap some stories. This is a soulful, creative six weeks to open our hearts and journey together. Write in the comments or link up with your blog posts.
~~~~~~
**NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — LINK UP IN THE FAITH JAM **
HTML Code For the Faith Jam Faith Fresh Badge
Faith Barista Jam Thursdays
1) I serve up a writing prompt. Let the topic soak in your heart, then publish your post the following Thursday and link up to share it with us. If you don’t have a blog, just write directly in the comments.
TO LINK UP: Click the blue button below: “Add Your Link” and type in the *specific* URL to your blog post (not just the name of your blog). (Subscribers: click here to get there directly).
2) Place the Faith Jam Badge in your post. It’s a welcome sign for our community, inviting others. Grab the HTML Code above. Thank you.
3) Then, pull up a chair. Visit the post before yours and say hi with a comment. Make a faith friend.
*This Thursday’s 4/10/14 Writing prompt:
Broken
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #5 of {The Journey Series}, the journey to Easter.*Next Thursday’s 4/17/14 Writing prompt:
Easter
This prompt is inspired by themes of Lent. Week #6 of {The Journey Series}, the last week before Easter.May the writing prompt bring you to a quiet place inside your soul and spark a soul conversation to share with us in community.
Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Click here to learn more.
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today’s post is refreshed from the archives.
36 Comments
“We are safe hidden in Jesus” — Thank you Bonnie, these words answer my prayers. I am so grateful I am safe in him. Now if my feelings would match up. I want the cup to pass from me, but your journey has encouraged me. I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to continue the journey I have started. I am terrified and haven’t slept much since my own flashbacks have started. Love you friend and thank you.
For years I have heard the comment, “You don’t understand unless you walk in their shoes”. You have really hit the nail on the head by reminding us that Jesus truly understands because “He has been there – done that”. Thanks, Bonnie! Now, we must learn to walk in His footsteps hand in hand with Him. Blessings dear one!
Thank you for this post. The cup before me is facing my son’s high school graduation in a few weeks and then sending him to college in a few months. I fear for him in the transition since he struggles with anything new. I need to remind myself that Jesus will be there for my son and me.
Thanks you for your words…..I am in a broken state, off from work on a “stress leave”, feeling like a failure…..yet I know God wants me to go deep into the Why. Your words today have encouraged me to press into the uncomfortable and to keep journalling, looking to understand myself the way God already knows me and loves me.
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Oh Bonnie,
I don’t even have any words to really express how I feel. I just know God has brought you into my life to help me in my journey! Your authenticity speaks volumes and touches my broken places.
I am so thankful!!
Ann
I love how you wrote:
“We are safe, hidden in the heart of Jesus.”
How comforting that is to me. Yes we are on this journey together. It was hard for me to write this post but as you have been so transparent in your story, you helped me to be brave and share mine, I linked up and I’m glad I did!
It is in our brokenness that Jesus shines brightest. He gives us strength and He gets all the glory.
Blessings and love to you,
Debbie
Thank you for this post, Bonnie. It took me over half my life to feel safe enough to venture out and reveal the broken parts of myself. He took my brokenness and said “share it.” In obedience, without really wanting to, I did. The beginning stages of grief were a struggle and many times I wondered if He was with me. But bit by bit, as I took each small step, I feel His presence. It can be through human “angels”, the ones that take the time to hear and empathize with our story or encourage us to share it in community. Sometimes it is through using our own sorrow to help another through their pain. Only when I met the bottom, did God begin to heal the broken parts of my spirit. Katie, reading your post reminded me so much of my story. It is ok to be scared and to want the cup to pass from you, but please know that God has you safely in the palm of His hand. He will never let go of you.
A big hug to you.
You touched my heart today Bonnie. I have been writing reflections on “Love’s Journey” during this Lenten season as well. I do not blog however, so have just emailed them to some friends.
Indeed my heart has been broken many times, and I feel broken at times, but God is the great healer, and through His grace and strength I can keep moving forward. I am thankful for His unconditional love and forgiveness, His blessings of grace and hope and joy in the journey.
I pray for you to continue to heal and to not be overwhelmed as your book comes out. Thank you for your prayers as well.
Thanks for this reminder, Bonnie! As you know, it’s a very hard thing to do, but yes, we can do it with the help of Jesus, because he HAS been there.
“Jesus gathers us into His arms where we are truly safe. Safe to experience our traumas, safe to be real, loved and accepted.” Such beautiful hope. Thank you, Bonnie. I was sorely tried this week and just wanted to die because I felt so depressed, raw, and vulnerable, but I need to focus more on the safety in Jesus’ arms and that “He understands my dilemma and how it makes me feel ashamed because of it.” Thank you for helping me on this journey of brokenness.
There are many things I love about your story, but one is that you show us that brokenness beyond our capacity to self-heal is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of how much we need God. Too many of still have excess pride thinking “that wouldn’t happen to me”, but yes, we are ALL broken. Some of us are just more blessed to come face-to-face with it sooner than others. I’m thankful for your willingness to share the hard parts as well as healing parts with us. You’re special.
Like always it’s just valuation that in this journey one is not alone!
I had a dream the other night a dreamt that a sister of mine (one of six girls, and one who shares and understands my journey) which is a gift in it self, large family can be very scarey when they do not understand and don’t want to feel the pain, that it takes to go thru life at times.)
Back to dream: But she was driving and there was a big semi truck that had a large load on the back of it and part of it fell off, it wasn’t tied down and well u can imagine the distruction that followed with just one item falling off, and some how we dodged it but still in the mist of it and she turned in opposite direction with vehicles all around crashing into one another, there’d been some construction going on in area of all the mess and she’d manage to get us in a crevice of the road that was protected!!!!!
And in my dream I thought it’ll be awhile til we can get out of here, but I knew in my knower we were gonna be safe!!!
Wow what a beautiful picture of all what Jesus has done for us in our lives until, we were able to actually walk this brokenness out in our lives:))))
My sister and I just spend a week together sharing life together and her last night with me I was given this dream, we r gonna be safe but it might take while to actually walk out of this. In Him we can do all things.
Bonnie thank u so much for being a big impact in to continue on even in those not so fun places!
Many blessing to u and ur family
Kelly
I think the thing that keeps hitting me is no matter how hard things get, whether because it’s something that has been done to us or something He’s asking us to do, He is with us. When we keep Him at the center, when keep Him as the focus, we find we have all we need to persevere and obey. I love that.
this is a wonderful post and like you, I know the Lord has prepared a place for each and every one of us. The question is whether or not we will allow ourselves to sit at the table. Although we don’t deserve this mercy, He wants us to have it. Just thinking about His love and mercy fills my heart with forgiveness and joy toward others. Thank you, for inspiring my heart, Bonnie~
You are speaking ME! Anxiety/Panic/lack of control….ME. and I think that is why Easter brings me to my knees. I love Christmas, but, Easter, that is the soul-stirring time for me – The Garden, the desperation, the finality and then the resurrection. I can actually say that I appreciate being broken. A year ago I would not have uttered those words. The state of brokenness is a gift-to us and to others. I am in the beginning stages of my journey and so grateful for your company ♡
I have often wondered how Jesus could tolerate all he did because of his great love for us. Thank you for your insightful words. I love the thought of Jesus gathering us and everything that goes with us — including the broken parts — into his arms and walking with us in whatever we’re experiencing. Love that!
Just read your blog, and you are describing me right now! Don’t know what to say but, Thank You! Broken in every place of my heart & life. Giving everything to Jesus has started the healing process. He can do what no human can. Life is a journey, of learning to lean and trust in Jesus even in the hardest & most difficult things I face everyday. He’s given me new hope and a new beginning.
I am so thankful that you have the words to show the beauty in “brokenness” . I have so many people in my life that just want me “fixed” (I do too), but I know Papa has a purpose in this brokenness.
You give me the courage to embrace this time for what it is. I am not looking to stay here, but walk though it with Jesus holding my hand.
Bonnie,
This is so special about the beautiful love of our Lord Jesus. Praying for you during this time.
Karen
Bonnie, Thank you for your consistent reminder that Jesus is our safe place, where we can know belonging. Thank you for creating that here on your website too. You have encouraged me to be brave enough to share more of my story within a community. I have enjoyed doing part of my lenten journey here through the faith jams. I literally live in the wilderness and the last three years of my soul journey have mirrored that. This year, my word of the year is ‘greater’ – I know that HE is greater, and His plans for me are greater than I can imagine. Thank you for the hope of your story, it helps me believe for mine.
Tomorrow s my last day of my 29 year career as a teacher. I am not retiring, I’m leaving because after so many tears, arguments, questions, anxiety attacks, and prayers, it is what I have been told to do by God. It is a frightening step out in faith. To others and to myself, this career was all I had left of what was once a beautiful life. But I broke trying to hold it all together. Now, I deal with the daily questions of what are you going to do now? You have a Master’s degree and you’re going to let it go to waste? Are you crazy? I just get quiet because I know in my heart what I am doing is what I am being told. It feels so good even though I have no idea what is next. I just know this was meant to be by God and I have to follow. I still have a lifetime of brokenness to deal with but God’s help will get me through somehow. This is the cup that has been offered to me and I must drink. But every night I go to bed with the very thought you expressed today Bonnie. I am resting in Jesus’ arms, regardless of all else.
What cup? Multiplying pain issues and family life needs that don’t offer sick days.
What is Jesus saying? “Trust Me.” I’m learning not to let fear and physical pain become excuses to withhold love.
Thank you for continuing to be brave in vulnerability. So grateful for the courage Jesus is giving you!
That cup will have an initial acidic reaction, cutting open and eating away the toxic layers, but that will soon be transformed as He touches the now clean exposed wounds with His own Hands bringing a healing balm. What will be left is a glaze of His glory in all its beauty.
But as you say, Bonnie, it takes such courage and a determination to be free, to be set free from the tomb as Steve Green sings in Broken and Spilled Out.
May God infuse us all with that courage and will to say yes.
Thank you for saying yes, Bonnie, and thus encouraging us.
your heart
was built to be broken
so more of Him could fill
repair and restore
it is a joy to watch His work
in you and through you
I cannot find the add my link button but i so wanted to link up as i have shared my heart on my blog. I have learned to embrace my brokenness. Its not easy but I dared to love,
http://www.stumblingwithgrace.co.uk/?p=305
Hi Sarah, I just migrated to a new site and there was an error. Apologies. It works now. 😉 Please submit the link so others can read your words. Thank you for sharing your heart…
Thank you honey, I thought it was just me ha ha. Loving the new look and of loving as always your beautiful heart xxx
Thank you, Bonnie, for your honesty and humility, your vulnerability and courage. You are inspiring others to be the same, including me.
Love the new design of your blog! It’s so clean and fresh.
Bonnie, I love your new design here … calling us to rest, to spiritual whitespace. So refreshing and restful – thank you!!
[…] year when I discovered colored pencils, I did a post on Broken. Over at Faith Barista, the writing prompt is Broken – so this is my new post for Broken in […]
These words are like healing oil to my heart…”the place of empty is never out of His reach.” Never did I imagine that stepping out in vulnerability and telling my story could be so painful and healing in the same breath! Bless your beautiful heart for writing with honesty!
Bonnie,
May our God of Hope fill us with all Joy & Peace as we Trust in Him!
Romans 15:13
He led me through a fall of my marriage and divorce. He allowed these circumstances to happen to bring me to a place with Him. Before this I believed but didn’t have an one on one relationship with Him. He now is showing me that I need to be patient and wait because there will more good that comes from the fall. My hope is in the Lord. Thank you for your post.
[…] For Bonnie, whitespace helped quieten her PTSD. [Read more of her story.] […]