You don’t have to wait until you’re completely new.

To be you.

You don’t have to wait until there is no more sorrow.

In order to step into the light.

To be seen.

You don’t have to try so hard.

To understand everything.

These are the words I whispered to myself.

As I sat on the couch of my therapist’s office last week.  

Can’t Undo

Because for the first time in a very long time since my breakthrough last year, I experienced a rash of panic attacks.

They’re different than they were before.

Whereas before, I didn’t know why they were happening. They just were.

This time, I knew why.

In the past, when people put me to the side, I would just put it to the side. Forget about it.

I would —

minimize my hurt,

minimize my words,

minimize my desire.

In other words, I would forget about me.

But now that my heart is awake, I can’t do that anymore.

I’m real.

And I can’t undo real.

What’s different now is this:  I don’t want to undo real.

Crossroads

Why is this happening now, when I need to gather all my emotional courage to launch this book?

I don’t understand.

I can’t do this.

This is too hard.

I tried to pray and cry out to God, but it seemed all I could hear was… silence.

That made me panic even more, because in that moment, I felt done for. So much is happening that is outside of my control.

As I looked ahead at the overwhelming reality of my story coming to print, my panic turned into despair.

Panic happens when you fear life will change for the worse.

But, despair happens when you fear nothing will ever change.  When you feel — you — will never change.

And that’s why my panic changed into despair.

I was the same old Bonnie, feeling inadequate, at a time when I should be celebrating the birth of this book and embracing this amazing time of healing and renewal.

I pictured myself walking on the same long, dusty road I’ve walked all these years:  giving up on myself again.

But, I’ve come so far, I told myself.  Don’t give up.

As I stood at the crossroads of who I’ve been and who I’m becoming, I sobbed to Jesus —

I don’t know what to do.

As I stayed there in that broken moment of inner solitude with the therapist waiting for my tears to stop, a scene from the Easter story emerged in my heart.

The Journey Back

Two friends were walking with their backs bent, their hearts broken, and their hopes for tomorrow dashed to pieces.

Their hope had died on a cross.

And now, they were walking back to where they journeyed so far.

They were returning to life as they knew it.

They had lost all hope life could be different. That they could change.

They were walking in the opposite direction of where they once found hope.

So much so that they did not recognize who was walking with them.

These two friends from Emmaus spent the whole journey back by talking about how everything was ruined, wrong and lost.

Meanwhile a quiet stranger they met on the road patiently listened to the whole story, from start to finish, in all it’s exhausting play-by-play detail.

He didn’t interrupt.

He didn’t judge.

He didn’t say, “You stupid morons!  It’s me! What’s wrong with you?”

No, instead Jesus asked them questions. He wanted to hear more.

Oh? What happened?

Tell me more… 

Jesus was curious.  He wanted to hear all about their despair.

The Place of Retreat

And in that moment, my heart started bursting and pounding for a different reason.

I heard Jesus tell me through this scene from the Easter story —

That silence you hear as you pour out your heart?

It’s me.  I’m listening.

To you.

Walking with you.  Even as your heart’s running in the opposite direction of hope.

I’m with you.

I was so clouded by my anxiety, I couldn’t recognize Jesus’ presence.

Jesus was walking with me the same way He walked with two from Emmaus in Luke 24:13-35 —

And they approached the village where they were going, He acted as though He were going farther.

But they urged Him, saying,
“Stay with us,
for it is getting toward evening, and the day is now nearly over.“

 So He went in to stay with them. 

When He had reclined at the table with them,
He took the bread and breaking it,
He began giving it to them. 

Then their eyes were opened
and they recognized Him…

They said to one another,
‘Were not our hearts burning within us
while He was speaking to us on the road?”

Jesus broke bread with them, right in the midst of their place of retreat.

My Heart Burns

Jesus was showing me what He showed to two friends from Emmaus thousands of years ago.

Jesus is showing me He’s with me on road.

And I began to shake and cry tears of joy.

Because I realized my panic attacks are like a burning heart.

And my heart burns because the real me is pressing into the heartbeat of the One who presses His heartbeat into mine.

My pounding heartbeat resting against His strong and loving embrace.

I’m stepping out to be me.

I can be happy, joy-filled, celebrating the resurrection of the new me Jesus is bring back to life.

And in that same moment, I can also carry sorrow, imperfection and insecurity. Even despair.

Because both of me are found in His embrace.

I’m safe.  Loved. Cherished.

And so are you.

The Living Way

Putting off, putting on the new.

You and I can do both.

Because in this journey of faith, both the old and the new are in moving into the light.

It’s the living way.  This faith of real flesh and bone. Spirit and soul.

In you and me.

Don’t wait until you’re completely new, in order to spread your wings.

Don’t wait until there is no more sorrow, in order to celebrate the moments you do feel happy.

All the moments you and I live in secret and out in the open is known.

Because you and I are loved.

Completely.

Unconditionally. Irrevocably.

Always. Again and again.

Easter is alive in you.

And in me.

Let’s get up and do what our two friends from Emmaus did.

They headed back to Jerusalem.

Back to hope.  Back to new.

To tell everyone what happened on their journey.

And how Jesus walked with them.

How they recognized Him.

This time, they were changed. They were new.

~~~~~

How is Jesus calling you to step out and be new?

How are you journeying between the old and the new?

Pull up a chair.  Click to comment. We’re kindreds on this journey.

~~~~~

Something New!

After uncovering the secret beautiful place inside me, I found the courage to design a new website that reflects this inner reality.

I took the journey of creating a new Faith Barista Cafe for us.  I designed it to be a refreshing and beautiful space for us to swap our stories and enjoy each other’s company online.

This is quiet space. For kindreds. You and me. 

Explore our new hang out.
I hope you love it.
{ Click here to visit the new Faith Barista Cafe. }

We have a new name for our Thursday blog link-up!
I hope it inspires you.

{ Click to learn about Whitespace Thursday.}

Now It’s Your Turn — Link Up!

To inspire your stories, here is our new Whitespace Thursday Linkup Badge. Write what prompts your heart. Share your voice.

Today’s Thursday 4/17/14 writing prompt:  Easter

Next Thursday’s 4/24/14 writing prompt:  your story