I’ve tried to write for everyone else.
Except for me.
I’m not talking about the book.
I’m talking about my life.
I couldn’t find my voice.
Even though it seemed to always come alive between the pages of my journal.
I stopped journaling for a very long season.
I forgot about words, the way a poppy growing wild in gravel on the side of the road without sunshine closes and hides.
But, faith is as mysterious as it is real.
Faith is a living journey.
It finds a way.
Everyday Stories
I’m only beginning to understand. A word — your story — even if small as a mustard seed may lay hidden, but never forgotten.
There is Someone who is intimately familiar with our unspoken voices.
He is the confidante and companion who will journey with us into the whitespaces of our stories — where our hearts are tender, virgin, and untouched. His hand will fold into ours as we gather our courage to live them out. As is.
This Someone is Jesus. And one day, we’ll hear all the stories He’s traveling alongside each of us face to face.
Until then, He’s given you and me a pen and a blank page called life, in which to write those stories.
By living them in the everyday through joys, sorrows, dreams, and even loss.
Not only that, Jesus gave us each other for this journey.
So that we can have a piece of heaven, here on earth. We can hear each other’s everyday stories. The ones happening in our hearts.
Four Women
Two months ago, when I knew this week would come — when I would step through the doorway into a new chapter in my life — to bring my childhood memories to print, I asked four women from my church to come to my house.
Four women who did not know each other. Who never met before.
Four women who do not have PTSD.
Four everyday women — from different backgrounds, ages and walks of life– who were interested in a new group I was piloting called Whitespace Groups.
I needed to know.
Would my book really take women on a journey to discover spiritual whitespace — to find rest — as I envisioned writing it?
It was the first time in two years I invited a group of women to come gather in my home, since I was debilitated by panic attacks.
Two of the women I knew. Two I didn’t.
Gathering
I told them this group’s purpose is to explore —
ideas to feed our souls,
different ways to take time to rest,
new ways to connect with God deeply.
I told them we would explore why it’s so hard as women to make time to nurture ourselves — what are the obstacles?
I told them we would use my book, because each chapter explores these topics.
Each chapter provides journaling prompts —
for personal reflection,
practical Whitespace ideas to try,
conversation starters for group discussion.
I told them our gathering would be refreshing, to talk about topics we all wonder about, but somehow seldom hear what others think.
There would be no “homework” for this group (which they smiled and breathed). Just enjoy two short chapters a week. Underline if anything touched their hearts. And only journal to writing prompts that spoke to them.
This book was me-time. For them. Whitespace with God.
Finding Our Voices
Even though this is a memoir-driven book about my heartbreaking journey through childhood trauma — where I uncover a different childhood memory in each chapter — I told them this book is not about me. The stories are prompts for their own personal journeys.
Sometimes hearing someone’s else’s intimate stories gives us permission to be present with ours. We find our voice in the story of another.
And we discover we’re really on the same faith journey, even if things look different on the outside.
Each woman would explore what rest looks like uniquely to her, in her current season of life.
I was so nervous.
Sure, this is what I told them.
But would any of this really happen?
By the time the first night was over, I was in tears, so moved by the experience. After I hugged them good night and closed the door, I dropped to my knees and just bawled.
They were not talking about me.
They were sharing their stories.
We were sharing conversation that connected us to each other.
And my heart was overwhelmed with joy.
We were finding our voices together.
I didn’t have to “lead” the group. Other than being present and listening in the sharing. The journaling prompts at the end of the chapter naturally led the conversation. Time easily filled up.
I would have never, ever shared my story if God left me simply surviving and doing life — instead of experiencing rest. I would’ve continued hiding.
Your Story
I had to stop writing for anyone else.
Except me.
Don’t be afraid to to write your story.
We each have one story to live.
It’s never too late.
To pick up your pen and begin a new chapter.
To find your voice.
Maybe like me, it’s never even occurred to you to go on such a journey.
It’s okay.
Jesus whispers —
I see you.
I love you.
I know your name.
Let’s tell our stories as kindreds on this journey of faith.
It’s not always easy. But, sometimes the deeper stories are the ones worth telling.
“You are a letter of Christ…written not with ink,
but with the Spirit of the living God,
not on tablets of stone, but on tablet of human hearts.” {2 Cor.3:3}
~~~~~
How is God calling you to write a new chapter in your story?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. We’re kindreds on this journey.
~~~~~
A Heartfelt Thank You
When I clicked publish on Monday to announce the book Finding Spiritual Whitespace , my body grew ice cold, my teeth started chattering and I felt dizzy. The old PTSD me was warning me what I was doing was dangerous. But, I’ve come far enough in my journey to know I could not turn back, even if it meant I would experience panic and anxiety.
Thank you for being present with me this week. Your kindness and support carries me like a buoy on the sea, where I can rest and find kinship. You read between the lines and journey with me. You guys are the best {choked up}.
Last week, leading up to this week, I was experiencing some very intense panic attacks for the first time since last year’s breakthrough. I think God knew I was so afraid of the uncertainty ahead, I needed some special reassurance to not turn back.
I’m still absorbing this, but I wanted to share some encouraging news. I received my first book review from Publisher’s Weekly:
“Gray, a popular blogger at Faith Barista, set out to fulfill her lifelong dream of writing a book. When she began, however, repressed memories resurfaced and the book turned into a reluctant account of her journey through unrecognized post-traumatic stress.
The author relates the heartbreaking childhood experiences that led to severe panic attacks, insomnia, and fear.Helping her through her confrontation with her own past are a supportive husband, a good therapist, and white space—places in her life like the blank areas of an artist’s canvas—where she can rest and tend her soul.
She offers intriguing insights into scripture and on how God views his flawed but beloved creations.
At each chapter’s end, journaling prompts help readers identify areas where they need to create white space.
More than just a memoir, this is an invitation to walk the difficult road to self-discovery and healing with a fellow traveler who understands. Learning how to identify stressors and eliminate emotional clutter will benefit anyone, not just those suffering from PTSD.”
As I read the review, I cried and cried my sorrows until it seemed it was bottomless. Three words caught my heart.
Flawed, but beloved.
Powerful words. One I feared about myself. The other I’ve longed to be true.
Now with you here on this journey, I’m stepping out to accept one and believe the other.
Now It’s Your Turn — Link Up!
To inspire your stories, here is our new Whitespace Thursday Linkup Badge. Write what prompts your heart. Share your voice.
Today’s Thursday 4/24/14 writing prompt: your story
Next Thursday’s 5/1/14 writing prompt: promise
Other Whitespace Prompts:
– moments of beauty and rest
– feeding your soul
– your alone time with God
Or choose your own open writing prompt. Be you.
Click to learn more about Whitespace Thursdays.
22 Comments
What a fantastic idea – gathering women together to relearn how to nurture ourselves. I just had a conversation with my mentor the other night about this very thing and it prompted me to write about my struggles with carving that precious time for me. I am learning that it’s essential, and we don’t need to feel guilty about it. God wants us to know Him and rest in Him – and we can only do that in the whitespace you have lovingly encouraged us to access.
I have hidden from rest, too (“I would have never, ever shared my story if God left me simply surviving and doing life — instead of experiencing rest. I would’ve continued hiding.”); and I have grown weary of hiding…
Bonnie,
Best of luck with your book coming out. I have enjoyed your writing through Faith Barista and am looking forward to reading your book. I myself have not yet gone through a dramatic life crisis but the business of everyday life leads me to want and need the “whitespace” time you talk about. I am hoping your book will help lead me there. I think women in particular have a hard time giving anything for themselves. I find I tend to lose myself, who I am because of this. I know of many who have gone through very traumatic times in their life who may find help within your book. To let them know they are not alone. Thank you for your writings.
Bonnie,
Thank you for inviting us to share our stories here in your space — what a beautiful connection you’re providing! I read your Lost Chapters segment this week when I pre-ordered your book and the words are so moving and heartfelt. You are a beautiful writer and I am looking forward to reading the rest of the book. I also LOVE the idea of you providing journaling prompts with the book — what a lovely idea — blessings and prayers to you as your book launches!
Allright, Bonnie! You go, girl! Thank you for putting others before yourself in His Name, the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last! I really like the update to the blog – beautiful touch to a new chapter. May the rest of the journey go smoothly and beautifully for you and everyone concerned. Praise the LORD Who perfects all things concerning us in Jesus’ Name, Diadem of Beauty.
In that day shall the LORD of hosts be for a crown of glory, and for a diadem of beauty, unto the residue of his people, Isaiah 28:5
I can completely relate to the panic that sets in after giving such deep parts of yourself to the world. For me it goes something like this: Oh my gosh, people are going to read this! What if no one reads it? What if people read it and mis-understand it?
But what I am learning and God is showing me is that in our transparency others are able to find a safe space in which to rest their stories and a place in which at the very least they can feel “normal”.
I am so glad that you have continued to share and to write in the midst of the fear.
Wow what an awesome review! I am jumping up and down for you with excitement, and praying for you as well.
You have been so instrumental in me finding my voice.
I love the idea of going though your book with a few women and will be in prayer about that.
You have come to be a friend I look forward to hearing from on Thursdays!
🙂
With every word you write you have me more excited to read your book. It shall be arriving on my doorstep soon. Your words touch me in a way I’m not sure how to explain yet but I’m grateful to you for writing and sharing your heart. Blessings to you.
Thanks for this encouragement, Bonnie! I’m praying for you as you move forward in your journey.
God gave us all beautiful voices…once we find the right key. The key may be singing or dancing or being a plumber, a cowboy or a ballerina. Once we find that we’re in-tune, there’s no sweeter melody. You, my friend have found your voice through the pen, and the world is sweeter for it.
HI Bonnie,
I needed to hear this. I haven’t written on my blog lately or my journal either. My heart was crushed when I wrote something and took a leap of faith and applied to be a contributer as a writer and wasn’t chosen. I thought I have nothing to write no one cares so why bother. I have not picked up a pen very much since. There has been fear. But you have shown me my writing is for me. I need to share my story if even I am the only reader…it is my story. So I am going to pick up my pen or keyboard and write and throw it on the page and not let fear stop me. But be me…my story. Thank you for sharing your courage and hope with us…your dear readers. I have been blessed by you and can’t wait to read the book.
Blessings
Tammy
I’m so glad we have a safe and accepting place to share our stories as we walk in victory with Jesus on our journeys. So happy for your book coming out….and so thankful for your healing that is taking place…..isn’t God good?!
Dear Bonnie, I am so glad you are sharing your story and your struggles and inviting me to share mine. I am a daughter of the Almighty God. A miracle of life. I struggle with many things, complaining is among them, though I have much to be grateful for. I am moving forward in writing and someday plan to set up a blog to share my thoughts and stories. I struggle with feeling I am “good enough” to be out there in that world. I am praying for God to help me overcome my fear and to give me partners to help me get things started. thank you for your prayers also, as I pray for you. A sister in Christ Jesus
[…] Faith Barista Whitespace Community Link UP […]
I love that Jesus sees me and knows me and loves me. Thank you Bonnie!
Learning to embrace who and how I am right now is scary, painful, and yet wonderfully freeing one after the other. The process is hard, but so worth it. Each time I close my eyes and grab hold of his hand I feel like he lifts me up and over. Then, we go into it together. To our healing process and the beauty of living through it with Him. To our stories Bonnie. xoxo
What an exciting time for you! The review is awesome! 🙂
I love the idea of a whitespace group! What amazing things are coming out of your book already 🙂 squealing with excitement for you ! 🙂
[…] wonderful author—Bonnie Gray, the Faith Barista—had this to share about her own faith […]
I will soon be turning 60 years old. And I ponder – what does God want for my life at this stage of my life? I know that it will involve my writing – for it is something that I feel compelled to do. It is God’s gift to me, and I want to use it to glorify Him forever.
My story, His glory.
That’s what it’s all about – no matter how it will look in the future!
GOD BLESS!
God had closed several doors in my life. Now one is has opened – a small, thin beam of light shining through to tell me its safe to turn the knob and walk in. Inside I discovered paper and pen and a sweet supportive soul who offered to sit with me awhile. The next chapter, started so long ago, is ready to be written. Praise Jesus and his timing!
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hi bonnie! this has been impressed on my heart over and over again… that i have a story and that i need to tell it. i often feel like it’s not important enough to tell, but those words you wrote at the end… that’s what He’s been telling me… He knows me, sees me, and loves me… and that’s why i need to voice my story… because it’s His story. thank you.
Thank you for sharing! God is prompting me to write a new chapter, a chapter of sharing… of creating a small space for women to come together and to share. Its new and its vulnerable, I dont want to lead, I want to be part of it. So – thank you for sharing on here! Its encouragement to me, to just go forward!