{page in my prayer journal 5/27/12 when my panic attacks first began
& i could not stop them. i wrote a page of “i choose”.}

Two years ago, when I was just beginning my journey into the deepest of my most painful memories, when my panic attacks first began — I felt so hopeless.  What can I possibly do, when I can’t even control my breathing?

I felt I had no choices.

I couldn’t do anything.  

As I cried without consolation, like fog slowly moving across the west ridges along the coast, I felt a slow tenderness touch my heart through the words David once prayed.

But as for me,
the nearness of God is my only good.”
Psalm 73:28

As I wept bitterly, I felt Jesus whisper —

Bonnie, you’ve followed me — when the journey walked straight and clear.

Will you follow me still now — that the journey has turned broken and uncertain?

Will you still choose to follow me?

Even now?

As I cried and sputtered, I reached for my pen and journal.

And quite unexpectedly, I began to write a list of statements that said, I choose…

Here is a page in my prayer journal from 5/27/12 — written just as my panic attacks began. I could not stop them.

It was in this place of desperation, I wrote a page of I choose.

I can say no.

I don’t have to write this book.

God has stepped in (temporarily) to stop and redirect my path.

I am willing and choose to cooperate.

I choose to stop.

I choose to lose.

I chose to be weak.

I chose to be led.

I choose to place my healing in priority.

I choose my feelings.

I choose to trust that Jesus is in me, that Jesus is suffering with me, thinking of me.

I choose slow.

I choose to speak slowly, move slowly.

I choose humility.

I choose the truth, even when it is ugly + messy, when it is rotten. termite.

I am under reconstruction. remodel. 

These choices became my pilgrimage for two years — which I am continuing today.

I could not write my book for one year from this point. Not one word.

Or do much of anything.

I did write once a month here on the blog — to you here during that time.

The only words I did have came from choosing things I never considered were important or significant, from this seemingly undesirable list.

I didn’t want any of it.

But choosing them led me to make very radical, big changes to heal, to find a EMDR therapist to uncover my stories, to say no to relationships that weren’t soul-feeding and begin the long, but necessary journey to nurture new friendships who were kind, real and soulful.

These are the choices that have leveled everything that God wanted to take me away from, so I could be remade.

And I’m learning that for everyone who sets their hearts on the pilgrimage of faith, God is continually remaking us.

This is His way.  The living way.  The way of the heart.

Intimate Significance

Looking back now, everything I chose on this list led me to everything beautiful, real and true about myself, about God and this life we’ve begin given.

No matter how dark the journey has dimmed, we can choose to live a life of intimate significance with Jesus.

Remember the widow who dropped onto two small coins in the offering box — less than half a penny — Jesus noticed with beautiful amazement, as he sat quietly on the side?

In Jesus’ eyes, the smallest movements we make by faith — believing Jesus is making them with us — brings Him the deepest pleasure and holds immeasurable worth.

Jesus sees the weight of your faith by the expense you’ve expended to exercise it — the hardness, the fear and even the doubt you put on the line, to carry it out.

Make that list of small {I choose…} movements, friends.

Write it down and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not worth anything.

Not even when that person is yourself.

Because Jesus is taking that list, reading it with great compassion and He’s making it His.

With you.

Write Your {I Choose…}

Choosing to rest is a very intimate encounter with Jesus — and ourselves.

We don’t know what our moments of rest could lead to — when we take the time to nurture our hearts.

Maybe at first, it will begin with silence and a struggle to keep choosing to return — to love.

But, this is the first step to intimacy we must begin anew everyday: being led.

And we can’t be led, if we don’t choose to rest.

Let the words you quietly hide surface.

Be present with God.

Dare to take time to journal sometime this week.

You don’t have to make it a regular practice.  Just meet with God between pen and paper.

Begin it with I don’t know…

Let it lead you to write the words I choose…

I sense God leading me to make new choices now — yet again — on my pilgrimage to set my heart on Him.

I need to begin again this journal of prayer.  I am learning to choose anew again.

Step through the curtain of busyness and doing.

Give yourself the gift God longs for you to receive.

His nearness.

Always.  As is.

~~~~~

What is God prompting you to choose at this time in your journey?

If you journaled your {I Choose...}, what would you write?

Pull up a chair. Click to comment.

Be here now. Be present.