{page in my prayer journal 5/27/12 when my panic attacks first began
& i could not stop them. i wrote a page of “i choose”.}
Two years ago, when I was just beginning my journey into the deepest of my most painful memories, when my panic attacks first began — I felt so hopeless. What can I possibly do, when I can’t even control my breathing?
I felt I had no choices.
I couldn’t do anything.
As I cried without consolation, like fog slowly moving across the west ridges along the coast, I felt a slow tenderness touch my heart through the words David once prayed.
But as for me,
the nearness of God is my only good.”
Psalm 73:28
As I wept bitterly, I felt Jesus whisper —
Bonnie, you’ve followed me — when the journey walked straight and clear.
Will you follow me still now — that the journey has turned broken and uncertain?
Will you still choose to follow me?
Even now?
As I cried and sputtered, I reached for my pen and journal.
And quite unexpectedly, I began to write a list of statements that said, I choose…
Here is a page in my prayer journal from 5/27/12 — written just as my panic attacks began. I could not stop them.
It was in this place of desperation, I wrote a page of I choose.
I can say no.
I don’t have to write this book.
God has stepped in (temporarily) to stop and redirect my path.
I am willing and choose to cooperate.
I choose to stop.
I choose to lose.
I chose to be weak.
I chose to be led.
I choose to place my healing in priority.
I choose my feelings.
I choose to trust that Jesus is in me, that Jesus is suffering with me, thinking of me.
I choose slow.
I choose to speak slowly, move slowly.
I choose humility.
I choose the truth, even when it is ugly + messy, when it is rotten. termite.
I am under reconstruction. remodel.
These choices became my pilgrimage for two years — which I am continuing today.
I could not write my book for one year from this point. Not one word.
Or do much of anything.
I did write once a month here on the blog — to you here during that time.
The only words I did have came from choosing things I never considered were important or significant, from this seemingly undesirable list.
I didn’t want any of it.
But choosing them led me to make very radical, big changes to heal, to find a EMDR therapist to uncover my stories, to say no to relationships that weren’t soul-feeding and begin the long, but necessary journey to nurture new friendships who were kind, real and soulful.
These are the choices that have leveled everything that God wanted to take me away from, so I could be remade.
And I’m learning that for everyone who sets their hearts on the pilgrimage of faith, God is continually remaking us.
This is His way. The living way. The way of the heart.
Intimate Significance
Looking back now, everything I chose on this list led me to everything beautiful, real and true about myself, about God and this life we’ve begin given.
No matter how dark the journey has dimmed, we can choose to live a life of intimate significance with Jesus.
Remember the widow who dropped onto two small coins in the offering box — less than half a penny — Jesus noticed with beautiful amazement, as he sat quietly on the side?
In Jesus’ eyes, the smallest movements we make by faith — believing Jesus is making them with us — brings Him the deepest pleasure and holds immeasurable worth.
Jesus sees the weight of your faith by the expense you’ve expended to exercise it — the hardness, the fear and even the doubt you put on the line, to carry it out.
Make that list of small {I choose…} movements, friends.
Write it down and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not worth anything.
Not even when that person is yourself.
Because Jesus is taking that list, reading it with great compassion and He’s making it His.
With you.
Write Your {I Choose…}
Choosing to rest is a very intimate encounter with Jesus — and ourselves.
We don’t know what our moments of rest could lead to — when we take the time to nurture our hearts.
Maybe at first, it will begin with silence and a struggle to keep choosing to return — to love.
But, this is the first step to intimacy we must begin anew everyday: being led.
And we can’t be led, if we don’t choose to rest.
Let the words you quietly hide surface.
Be present with God.
Dare to take time to journal sometime this week.
You don’t have to make it a regular practice. Just meet with God between pen and paper.
Begin it with I don’t know…
Let it lead you to write the words I choose…
I sense God leading me to make new choices now — yet again — on my pilgrimage to set my heart on Him.
I need to begin again this journal of prayer. I am learning to choose anew again.
Step through the curtain of busyness and doing.
Give yourself the gift God longs for you to receive.
His nearness.
Always. As is.
~~~~~
What is God prompting you to choose at this time in your journey?
If you journaled your {I Choose...}, what would you write?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment.
Be here now. Be present.
16 Comments
God is choosing me to forgive with a big heart my daughter is in a physiatric unit my marrisge is in despair of hopeless and God is choosing me to forgive and to start afresh to start all over again. I am resisting as pride gets in the way but God in His goodness will prevail and I pray I can let go and let God please help me
Thank you Amen
crystal, it’s really important for you to take care of yourself during this hard journey with your daughter. sometimes you can’t let go until you share your despair with God. be honest and take some time to confide in God – every word. all of it. write. confide.
What is GNO
it means {Girls Night Out}… a refreshing time of real conversation with a small group of 1-3 women.
My 15 yr old adopted daughter from China suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder. Please pray that we find the right help for her. We have gone so many routes and she is struggling so. I pray that God wraps his loving arms around her and never lets her go. I pray that God will lead me as to what choices I need to make in my life to deal with this storm. I am afraid, lonely and so depressed. I know I cannot control this situation but I am so worried about this child. God entrusted us with his child for a reason, a purpose. I pray that he guides us through this.
God Bless
liz, you have taken on a beautiful and heart-breaking journey that Jesus is well, well acquainted with: love. you have chosen to love someone who others have let go of. and Jesus will not leave you in this very hour you most need Him to take care of you, your daughter and your family. make sure you take care of yourself, prioritize time to nurture your heart and body, getting whitespace, eating with friends…whatever refreshes you. jesus can give your strength with kindreds, as you navigate this journey with Him. and you will. Jesus take care of Liz & guide her steps to find the right help. love her as you always have. Amen.
This so speaks to me, Bonnie. As an Army officer my life has been go-go-go, without really stopping to hear God’s whisper. I am a faily new Christian (since 2010) and I always joke that my blinders were so big that God had to hit me with a spiritual 2×4 for me to stop. I was so focused on my path of “independence” that God knew the only way for me to stop was for Him to literally break me down to rebuild me. And I mention all this because that is what it took for me to slow down and rest. To pay attention. It has been quite a journey and I find myself in a place when I crave now the slow and the rest… I find it necessary in order to hear His voice. My life is about to take a completely different turn in a year for the better and I was able to realize this by slowing down and praying in the quiet, and journaling has become such a big part of the slow. So thank you for sharing your journey to slow and rest. 🙂
hey, big HUG to you, Maria. how amazing God is in your story. so awesome to hear a glimpse of it. thank you for taking time to share. hearing your journey is soul rejuvenating. and now, another kindred for this soul journey of faith! #soulhappy #soulbeautiful #kindreds
“Let the words you quietly hide surface.” I’m just not sure how to even begin this. Making some new discoveries in my relationship with God, my distrust in Him I think. I know I’ll come out closer to Him on the other side, but I don’t know how to walk through it.
i understand your distrust and suspicions…i began this journey by uncovering my heart and story… would love to meet within the pages of my book “Finding Spiritual Whitespace”… i think you’ll really enjoy the journey. i share my most soul-baring moments along the journey of drawing close. it has journaling prompts for intimate encounters with God, emily.
I’ve been meaning to get it since I saw it released…my next step. See you there 🙂
After reading what you’ve wrote here today Bonnie, I realize I am in the middle of ‘brokenness’. It is so much milder than what you have experienced, but what you have written resonates with me. I’ve been a follower of Christ for 48 years, and have felt my faith has steadily, and yes, even mightily, grown! But now I am in a ‘new place’ and have had to cling to Him each and every day, and stand on the truths and promises of His Word. I will (with God’s help) examine my heart and ask Him what I need to change, so that I will begin to be refreshed and renewed once again by Him. He is always faithful.
May you be abundantly blessed.
I choose to admit that my feelings are valid and once I can accept and come to terms with them I can then move on to forgiveness. Finding rest and comfort in His warm embrace makes it much easier. Thank you, Bonnie.
I choose to listen. Even when I do it fitfully and imperfectly. I choose to let my thoughts and words, sometimes, remain unsaid. I choose to put down the computer, the iPhone, or the paper and make eye contact with my kids. To give my husband the full attention of my affection after a long day.
Thanks for opening up to us, Bonnie, and challenging us to choose.
Bonnie, this was so beautiful to read – thank you!! Such a good idea to write out our “I choose” thoughts especially in the midst of times when we are in great need. Thanks for sharing your list with us – so precious to read. So amazing! I loved reading this … “Looking back now, everything I chose on this list led me to everything beautiful, real and true about myself, about God and this life we’ve begin given.”
Recently diagnosed with a rare disease I CHOOSE not to give in to moments of despair, lack of trust and discouragement. I choose to allow the quiet times forced upon me to be times of reflection. I choose to spend my good days with those I love. I. Choose. To. Stay. Positive. To look forward to healing. To listen to God in the midst of pain, exhaustion, frustration and confusion. I choose to follow God down this road of uncertainty. Another twist in the road. Another one I would not choose. But I choose to go down this path with God… Who is before me, guiding my path. Beside me giving comfort and behind me… Pushing me forward.