I sat down one night. And I began to write a letter.  

I’d like to share it with you today. Because maybe there’s a letter you might like to write too.

Remember a few weeks ago, I invited you to write a letter to God — before the new year turned?  These are the words that came flowing from my heart onto the page.  

The Last Day

It’s the last day of the year, God. And I’m up late, unable to sleep.

Not because I can’t fall asleep. But because I don’t think I’ve lived today fully yet. But, yet this day is already done.

My head is full of things I didn’t do. Things I regret — things I wished I’d done. Things I wish I’d said, written, read. Enjoyed.

And I realize, I didn’t really live today. Not out of my soul. With you.

I wasn’t the Beloved. Your Beloved.

I lived instead . . .

From my ought to’s,
should’s,
have to’s,
I better do this or else.

From I don’t want to be left out,
I don’t want to miss out,
I want to do what everyone else is doing.

Because if I did what I really wanted to do . . .

It might be wrong.
Then I’d lose whatever little I’d worked hard at doing.
And then, I’d be all alone.

I did not live out of my whole heart. But, inauthentically as the one who pleases, figures out what everybody wants, the me who is terrified of being rejected.

But, this is the problem, God.

I think I end up looking like everybody else,
and that’s not how You made me.

Maybe I Don’t Know

Then, I think, God. Living life this heart-separated way hasn’t stopped me from experiencing rejection anyways.

You tell me in echoes of 1 John 4:18 —

The one who fears . . .

. . . does not know love.
. . . has not been loved.

Maybe I don’t know what love is. Not — in my heart.

Maybe I haven’t been loved. Not like I should have been. Not the way you meant for me to experience it…

{to be continued}

To Read The Rest Of the Story

…To read the rest of the story “Maybe What I Need Is To Be Loved, Your Beloved” – click here to join me over at DaySpring’s (in)courage site, where today’s post is published.

It’s a vulnerable letter I’m sharing.  Take a virtual coffee break together? I’d love to be with you there.

(Subscribers: click here to watch the video.)

Start the new year refreshed as the Beloved.  The online Spiritual Whitespace Book Club I’m hosting on Facebook starts next Thursday 1/22 (it’s free)!  Watch this video and hear how four women who didn’t know each other discovered something deeper and real — with each other in a Spiritual Whitespace Group.

do something really good for your soul.
join the #SoulRestBookClub.
simply like my Facebook page & we’ll meet up there.

Psst.. Some Amazing News!
Finding Spiritual Whitespace is Named one of the
Best Books for Christian Women in 2014

Last week, I received some amazing news from my publisher, Revell!

Crosswalk.com named Finding Spiritual Whitespace one of the Best Books for Christian Women in 2014. A gift to my heart because God brought me to this place of rest — through meeting with you between the pages — and sharing this journey. Thank you for releasing this book into the world through your hearts and your stories.  Thank  you for all your support. Grateful we’re doing this together. Truly couldn’t have without you. God knew. We are kindreds. love, Bonnie