Every two hours, I would choke.
It would happen when I finally, somehow would fall asleep. Out of nowhere, not worrying about anything, I would be jolted awake, as if someone had stuck an electric prong to my side. My heart would pound like a jack hammer, my throat would constrict, sweat pouring out of me, like someone lit a fire and my body was the match.
I couldn’t hardly breathe. I had never experienced a panic attack before. Ever. In my life.
Yet, every two hours, this would happen. On a good night, if I slept at all, I got 3-4 hours.
I never knew that emotional trauma could cause PTSD – post-traumatic stress disorder. Isn’t that for soldiers, people in the military, who fought with guns and grenades flying through the air?
The Battlefield of Life
Here I was, euphoric over getting my first book contract — a childhood dream finally come true — happily married with two beautiful kids. And out of nowhere, I’m hijacked from this dream, unable to even breathe. Nauseated and overwhelmed with tears and fear.
Apparently, PTSD doesn’t just happen to those who are physically abused. The impacts of emotional and verbal abuse are equal in damage and trauma.
You don’t need to have fought a war in Afghanistan or Iraq to suffer from it and it’s not limited to victims of physical or sexual abuse either.
We are all soldiers in the battlefield of life.
And yet, I felt ashamed for suffering. I was scared because I didn’t understand why it was happening. Or how it could happen to someone “strong” like me?
I’ve survived plenty in life. I was the one who was the encourager.
I’m learning God doesn’t want us just to survive life. God wants us to experience joy. But, not in my head. I had to first learn to receive — so I can experience joy — in my heart.
I had to experience the gift of receiving joy through finding rest. It was on this journey of joy and rest, God brought a sweet kindred to cross my path.
The Gift of JOY
When I didn’t even know if I would ever write again — when the journey looked uncertain and I wanted to hide from my author/writerly friends — a woman who I didn’t know slipped a comment on one of my blog posts — during the months I first publicly confided in my panic attacks.
This is what she wrote:
so proud of you for trying to write this book! May God give you the grace, strength, and courage to finish it!
Margaret Feinberg
Margaret would continue to slip notes on my blog posts throughout the months. I was so overwhelmed by the fog of anxiety and insomnia, I couldn’t even read email.
Many months later, when I felt better, I was browsing through my blog comments. Then, I noticed this email in my inbox.
Bonnie,
Keep on keeping on. Don’t give up. Fight hard and fight back. You’ve got this.
Margaret Feinberg
Wait a minute. Margaret Feinberg? … Margaret… Feinberg!?! She was recently named one of 50 women most shaping church and culture by Christianity Today. Her books including The Sacred Echo and Wonderstruck, have sold nearly a million copies.
What?! Oh my goodness, she probably thinks I’m the most rudest person ever! Here she was, taking time out to write encouraging notes to me. And I never even responded.
Of course, Margaret was so gracious. When I emailed to connect with her, it became the beginning of our kinship. Can you imagine the joy of encouragement?
A year later, when I finally completed my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest, I emailed Margaret to share the the good news.
This is when I was so heart-sunken to find out Margaret was diagnosed with breast cancer: a two year journey.
But, no surprise to me, Margaret has been journeying with God, fighting back with hope and fighting hard with JOY.
Well, one day before our Online Spiritual Whitespace Book Club begins, I want to share that Margaret has written a wonderful book and companion Bible Study about her journey through breast cancer and how God brought her joy titled – Fight back With Joy: Celebrate More. Regret Less. Stare Down Your Greatest Fear!
Here is an excerpt:
All of us are in a fight. Others can fight with you, but no one can fight this for you.
You see the scars when you look in the mirror or into your soul. And you know you’ll need to fight again tomorrow.
Everyone who wakes to confrontation and crisis—whether you picked the fight or the fight picked you—has an important choice: which weaponry will you choose?
Merrymaking is hard to do alone…Cheer is discovered in camaraderie.
Even if you feel alone, God has positioned people waiting in the wings to spring into action. They may not be the faces of those you expect, but if you keep your heart and eyes open, you may be surprised whom God uses.
~~~~~
If you’d like to get more inspired to fight back with joy, pick up a copy of my friend Margaret Feinberg’s book Fight back With Joy.
Then pair Margaret’s book with a copy of my soul-resting book Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest.
We can be kindreds with you on this journey to fighting back with joy.
Pull up a chair. Click to share a comment.
How has God surprised you with the joy of a kindred spirit?
~~~~~
Fight Back With Joy 6-Session DVD Bible Study Promo Video
from Margaret Feinberg onVimeo.
25 Comments
Really struggling the enemy does not want me to have the blessing from your book and study. I am claiming scripture and praying. I wrote a precursor to my story which I want to post before the end of month. I am being urged by the spirit to share it. I pray that others will see God in my brokenness.http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/2015/01/comprehending-repression-and-ptsd.html
Lifting you up in prayer today, Lisa Marie!
I am humbled thank you so much!
http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/2015/01/my-trauma-story-3-parts-dominoes-part-i.html
I just finished Margaret’s book last weekend! It was amazing! She has a great gift of encouraging others in her writing and life. It is really cool to know learn she encouraged you in your writing. She blessed many of us by doing that since we get to read your words now.
I am so thrilled you enjoyed Fight Back With Joy, Cathy!
You still and have always encouraged me, Bonnie. Please pray the LORD God of Hope fill me with all joy and peace in believing in Him, that victory will be attained soon in my area of need in Christ Jesus’ Name. Thank you so much.♥♥♥
Praying for peace and joy for you today, Lisa!
God IS in the details of our lives. When friends gave up on me because of my brokenness, He had someone in mind already – waiting to come alongside. She is a kindred spirit. Our journeys are similar. We get each other’s pain and limping at times. It doesn’t scare us away from each other. God knew – God knows – He will provide. My job is to trust. Bonnie, thank you for being who God has called you to be. You have blessed me in so many ways – with your book, your blog, your stories that resonate so clearly with some of my own. I’m not alone in this. The PTSD is a biggie for me as well. One day at a time. One night at a time. We are more than conquerers. We are daughters of the KING.
Amen, Barb!
This blog post was the first thing I saw when I woke. My nights are full of dreams. My body buzzes with what feels like an electric current. My heart pounds with anxiety. The emotions triggered by the dreams are so present. Memories that are just out of reach seem to be pressing forward, ready to reveal themselves. Then they disappear.
I didn’t find peace in reading but instead found myself ready to quit. My journey has been long, and just last month I began to experience joy in the midst of it. I began to see healing. I felt I was ready to pick myself up and get back into living again. Then I was hit with more. A family secret began to emerge just days after my mothers passing. I was knocked right back down again. I deal with PTSD and Disscoiative issues. I have a lot of memories buried. I wait patiently for God to open my mind and reveal what He knows I’m ready to handle. I guess it’s time to deal with more, but feel so alone in all this. I’m thankful for my counselor, yet there is no one else that gets the mental health part of all this. I want joy to walk me through this next phase, yet I don’t feel I have the energy to fight anymore.
As always, there are facets of your story that make me feel like I’m staring at a reflection of myself. .. those early blogging days last year. You would pop in and comment on MY posts. I felt like my words were so insignificant but you wrapped a virtual arm around my shoulder and encouraged me to continue.
My story is not like yours but the unraveling is very similar. I was the strong one that held it all together, the encourager, the one smiling (gritting my teeth at times) through the hardest hurts.
So thankful for our kindred friends who are so gracious to lift each other up and encourage through the good times and not so good times.
(((HUGS))) to you kindred friend 😉
Praying for you today, Krista!
Writing about joy is such a theme in my life. I always think back to Isaac having to dig those darn wells. He dug and people said “That’s our well” claiming it as their own. He did the work, he was strong and they took it. But he never gave up. He moved on until the 3rd well was dug and Isaac said “At last the LORD has made room for us, and we will be fruitful in the land.” I feel like finding that joy and fighting with it like you spoke about, is so powerful. Thanks for continually encouraging this community! You are a warrior. Carry on! 🙂
You always are an encouragement! Love you friend! Reading this once agian at hospital with my husband for more tests. It seems now that my PTSD is not as often, that the stress of his chronic condition comes.
Katie, lifting you and your husband up in prayer today.
Thank you! Your book sounds amazing!
So grateful for you sweet friend. This brought a huge smile to my face today. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
grateful for the kinship and encouragement of JOY on this journey together, margaret. your story + God’s joy = refreshed hearts between the pages #fightbackwithjoy
“Cheer is discovered in camaraderie.” That’s a new thought for me. But as I contemplate the truth of it, I’m realizing that when joy is SHARED, it is greatly augmented. Of course, in order for that to happen, a willing participant must come alongside. That’s where encouragers can step in, to sincerely and enthusiastically celebrate the joy of others. It’s a precious gift we can give one another. Thank you, Bonnie and Margaret, for your inspiration!
I just blogged about a break down I had a few days ago. Reading that there are so many others who deal with things like anxiety, for instance, brings me a step closer out of my shame-smeared puddle that I feel like I keep stepping into. I don’t know why I feel so loserish, so guilty, when I “fail” (have anxiety, open my mouth when I know I shouldn’t, get a headache from the pressure going on around me etc). I feel like I just want to crawl up into God’s lap and not deal with it sometimes. But then reading others stories, it kind of makes me think that this journeying together really is a priceless pearl. There’s nothing like having someone who loves you like a sister, by your side {via laptop & coffee or not}, understanding from experience. Thank you both for going the distance and paving the way for beginners like myself.
Blessings Bonnie, I want to start by saying, I never thought I would ever connect with someone who truly understands & battles with PTSD, fear, anxiety, panic attacks. Thank you for your transparency.
I shared one of your emails with my pastor and he suggested I get your book, which I am hoping to receive on my upcoming 50th bday! And write and connect with you, so here I am
Shame is a tool the enemy uses to capture us. http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/2015/01/my-trauma-story-3-parts-dominoes-part-i.html
First let me say that I’m delighted to see you writing again, Bonnie. Such an answer to prayer.
Secondly, I loved Margaret’s book. Couldn’t wait to get my hands on it because of an intense battle that we are currently facing. It is a book I’ll be returning to several more times and also sharing with friends.
Prior to reading it I so wanted to give up. I think I can keep going a little while longer.
Blessings to you!
Bonnie as Margaret encouraged you I feel inspired by you and your journey. I am finally publishing my trauma on facebook. Please take a peek and as alwys let me know what you think of the writing. Loving the online study btw! http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/2015/01/my-trauma-story-3-parts-dominoes-part-i.html
Thank you for fighting through it and writing this book. I too suffer from PTSD. Always feeling like I’m broken and not normal. Like Some sort of punishment for the poor choices I made. I have trust issues and loss of hope. I know who Jesus is, but it’s really hard for me to fully trust Him with every aspect of my life. It’s really hard for me to go deeper, almost like my soul is shutdown and I’m having to figure out how to unlock it. I’m really hoping your book will help me do just that. My soul is longing for rest and peace. I’m so tired of paddling upstream. I’m so glad you shared your story. I’ll be doing Ch 3 today. Looking forward to the journey and hoping and praying for God to come into my desolate places of deep hurt.