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Why I had My First Panic Attack Two Days Ago :: Compassion Trip to Dominican Republic #UnscriptedCompassion

By Bonnie Gray • February 14, 2015 • 11 Comments

{please share this pin to invite others on this unscripted journey!
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I’m on the airplane now as you read. And I’m typing a letter to you.

I got up at 5am in this morning, called Uber taxi service to come pick me up, found out the car would arrive in 8 minutes and scrambled out of bed as quietly as I could, to not wake Eric up. I had just made it out into the hallway when the driver called me and my ringer woke up nine-year old Josh.

“Mom, I love you…” Josh mumbled groggily, stepping up close to me one eye closed, the other cracked open under the weight of sleep. “I’ll be praying for you…. to have a good trip…”

“I love you to, Sweetie. I’ll be thinking of you too.” I hugged him back to bed and got dressed in the dark and soon found myself on my way to San Francisco Airport.

The sun hasn’t woken up yet.

It looks like nighttime, but I remind myself it’s just early morning.

Isn’t that just like our journey through life?

There are times when it’s pitch dark, and we just feel like it’s night forever.

Nothing we can see tells us it’s anything but darkness.

But, God has a plan – even when we are unaware.

Because that darkness is just night before the morning.

I’m going to the Dominican Republic with Compassion International – with the audacious hope that you and I are going to be that Light to children unheard and unseen – stuck in the darkness of poverty.

Wait, before you stop reading and tuning out – because I know you’ve heard about about it agazillion times – the invitation to sponsor a child.  And maybe you already have a sponsored child.  

Wait.  Let me tell you why I first said NO to going on this trip.

And why you are part of the reason I want to go now — why? — when my journey of healing is still fresh (my last panic attack was last March)?

My circle has been very small & safe during this time of healing my heart. And I’m still on the journey. 

My First Panic Attack Two Days Ago

And guess what I actually experienced my first panic attacks two days ago (first time since last March), as I was preparing for the trip with my boys Josh and Caleb.  After josh & caleb finished handcrafting their hearts for Wissen, our newly sponsored Compassion child, my chest started tightening, my throat started swelling up, my heart began to pound and I started feeling nauseated with difficulty breathing!

day0_craftmakingdon’t let this photo mislead you… I am 100% not crafty. i asked my art teacher friend Merrianne to come help us with the idea & bring her supplies!

I saw my therapist Dr.P the next morning & found the reason is that I was SO happy to see my boys making something soul beautiful for Wissen & I was SO happy imagining him hanging it in his home (it’s gonna be a heart-love-mobile I’ll craft w/ Wissen when I see him!) — that i suddenly had a flashback from my childhood — when my heart was crushed because someone who should have loved me said something I loved doing was selfish & i was dumb to be so happy over nothing.

I’m sharing this moment because I think we are often afraid to try something new — of stepping out to be vulnerable with our love because we are afraid of looking foolish or being disappointed. if you’ve felt prompted to come alongside a child to be God’s voice of love by sponsoring a child but feel fear/anxiety over what that means, know that with Jesus will make something beautiful thru us and the Compassion children we will sponsor this week. 

He loves us both! I’m resting my heart & sadness in Jesus’ embrace, so I can hold onto His hand & walk into the Dominican Republic – to embrace those he loves! Let’s tell the children there — Jesús te ama!

day0_calebjoshhearts

I’m going to write about the children struggling in the darkness of poverty – without a voice and without anyone to hear them.

Because I believe – deepy in my heart — that you and I are going to change that.

Because there just can’t be any other reason I would be invite to go – right now – at this time in my journey of healing from childhood trauma.

Why I First Said NO

Sweet kindreds, when I was invited by Compassion a few months ago to go on the #CompassionBloggers Trip, I already had plans for our #soulrestbookclub.

I called Bri McKoy (who’s heading the trip) back to hear about the trip — for me to go **in the future**.

I was going to say no.

But as we talked, it occurred to me, maybe this IS the perfect time for me to go — because God must want to invite EACH OF YOU to consider sponsoring a child with me — THAT’S why God invited me right now! Why not go 4 years ago, or next year, when I’m not so fresh on the journey?

I believe it is because YOU are all here with me going through the journey of #spiritualwhitespace.

As we love the little girl in each of us, God wants us to love other little boys and girls by sponsoring them with Compassion.

{eric & I have been sponsoring Compassion kids but didn’t feel prompted to sponsor another child until this trip. a *special needs child* this time.}

Be God’s Love Letter to a little boy or girl. #everystorymatters 

Sponsor a new child with Compassion using my link bit.ly/sponsorwithbonnie & you get an exclusive Lisa Leonard Designs made just for this trip!!

Screen Shot 2015-02-11 at 9.46.28 PM

** Who can you invite into this unscripted journey? **

Please share this post with a friend!  Let’s respond to this amazing #unscriptedcompassion journey together! 

Pull up a chair. Click to comment. Hearing your beautiful voice while I’m away will feed my soul SO much!!

Typos & Grace, Please 🙂

I’ll be live blogging everyday, along with Holley Gerth, Lisa Leonard & Ruth Living Well Spending Less .  I’ve never live blogged before, so please forgive my typos/grammar mistakes as I free write.  Thanks for your grace!

[Today’s Daily Croissant I’m Meditating On]

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 1 John 4:1,7

[My prayer requests today]

please pray for me as your heart feels prompted. i’d really appreciate it!

* pray for Eric. He’s going to take care of Josh & Caleb for 9 days straight. Even when Eric’s been on biz trips, the longest has been 5 days – and it’s even tough for me to be mom those stretches.  I’m not worried about the boys (Eric’s a great Dad) – I’m more worried for Eric. lol. Pray God sustains Eric with peace & everyone stays healthy. The kids are off next week for Winter Break, so I booked them in soccer camp & some playdates. That should help.. still.

* pray for the children we will be meeting. and the Compassion workers. and the families we’ll be meeting. that i will encourage them by listening to their stories & allow God’s healing light to touch them. simply by being present.

* pray for my safety.

* pray for my courage & for my heart to be present, even with any anxiety that will arise. may i be willing to receive his healing & write boldly however Jesus wants.

* pray for all the other bloggers going. that our hearts will all be open to receive this experience.

* pray for Holy Spirit to touch everyone He’s calling to be a voice & Light to the children in their dark days of poverty.

day0_hotwheels
yay! $.79 hotwheels @target PTL! shopping for goodies for @compassion child Wissen & his 5 siblings when i meet them in the Dominican Republic.. shopping for toothbrushes, toothpaste, pot holders, towels & other goodies to bring {coffee for the mom & dad!} i hope they feel loved by Jesus! 

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11 Comments

  • Reply Sandra February 14, 2015 at 2:54 pm

    Dear Bonnie, I just want to send a word of encouragement to you. I just read your email and noticed the heading reads slightly differently than here on the blog. But I think there’s a message in the email heading, which used the words “panic attach”. Instead of “attack”. Could it be that God is saying to you to attach this particular panic or anxiety to Him, that He would be so happy to let it “un-attach” from you and carry it? Just a thought. And I am praying for your trip.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 14, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      thanks for being a part of this unscripted, Sandra — and for your prayers! just fixed it. 😉

  • Reply Sandra February 14, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    Bonnie, AMEN!! You will be a blessing in the Dominican Republic, I have no doubt. There are little boys and girls for whom God has specially prepared you because of what you have gone through in your life and what they have gone through in theirs. I will be looking forward to reading your blog and hearing about what happens.

  • Reply Irene February 14, 2015 at 6:41 pm

    Bonnie; you are a brave and courageous woman, lovely in every way. I am praying for those areas you mentioned and that you would return with your heart and soul filled. Hugs…

  • Reply Jacinta February 15, 2015 at 12:49 am

    Keeping you & your team in prayers!

  • Reply debbie February 15, 2015 at 10:14 am

    You are such an encouragement! I want you to know that My daughter and I pick out a little girl from DR and sponsored her today. My daughter is excited to have the opportunity to pray for this little girl and I am excited to see what God is going do through your act of obedience as well as ours! God Bless your time there and may the windows of heaven open up and pour out blessings!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray February 15, 2015 at 8:46 pm

      WWWWAAAAHHOOO!!!! thank you Debbie for being God’s love letter & being His voice –a real person — in her life. Thank you Jesus for this little girl you are loving through Debbie & her daughter! may you knit their hearts together!

  • Reply Lisa February 15, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    Dear Bonnie,

    Agreeing in prayer, trusting He is in our midst, thanking God for you and your precious family in Christ Jesus’ Name.

  • Reply Kim Gooden February 15, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    I love everything you write! God bless

  • Reply yvonne February 15, 2015 at 7:34 pm

    Thank you, Bonnie, for being real. I will definitely pray for all your prayer concerns. My heart is breaking right now as we heard that my sis in law in Texas who had a massive stroke is not recovering. Prayers for peace and comfort is so appreciated. Jesus is her Savior so we are comforted with that. God bless your trip as you touch Wissen’s life and his whole household. I am sure your presence will refresh and nourish their lives.

  • Reply Gary S February 16, 2015 at 4:47 am

    Dear Sister Bonnie,
    I know in my heart that you are going to be just fine, Jesus will honor what you are undertaking for these children in the DR. I have written before to you from Tianjin, China and I am volunteering at the adult facility of the Tianjin orphanage to teach basic English to a small group of very special needs young adults. I know that what I do will certainly not change their overall station in this life, but I just want to go and show them that someone cares for them deeply, Jesus Christ. I want to be a light in their otherwise dark life of living their entire life in an orphanage, most all of them have no family at all to come visit them. So you go and be the light in the lives of those children in the DR, I will commit to praying for you and the children every day of your trip. God bless you for being the hands and feet of Jesus for those kids…..Gary in Tianjin, China

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