“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. ” E.E. Cummings
{my images are free goodies for you to enjoy & share}
You don’t have to wait until you’re completely new.
To be you.
You don’t have to wait until there is no more sorrow.
In order to step into the light.
To be seen.
You don’t have to try so hard.
To understand everything.
These are the words I whispered to myself.
As I sat on the couch of my therapist’s office last year.
Can’t Undo
In the past, when people put me to the side, I would just put it to the side. Forget about it.
I would —
minimize my hurt,
minimize my words,
minimize my desire.
In other words, I would forget about me.
But now that my heart is awake, I can’t do that anymore.
I’m real.
I feel.
I can’t undo real.
What’s different now is this: I don’t want to undo the real me.
Crossroads
Last year, as I moved closer to the June release of my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace, I began to experience a rash of anxiety attacks arise.
Why is this happening now, when I need to gather all my emotional courage to launch the book? — I asked God.
I don’t understand. I can’t do this. This is too hard… I said.
I tried to pray and cry out to God, but it seemed all I could hear was… silence.
That made me panic even more, because in that moment, I felt done for. So much was happening that was outside of my control.
As I looked ahead at the overwhelming reality of my story coming to print, my panic turned into despair.
Panic happens when you fear life will change for the worse.
But, despair happens when you fear nothing will ever change. When you feel — you — will never change.
And that’s why my panic changed into despair.
I was the same old Bonnie, feeling inadequate, at a time when I should be celebrating the birth of this book and embracing this amazing time of healing and renewal.
I pictured myself walking on the same long, dusty road I’ve walked all these years: giving up on myself again.
You’ve come so far, I told myself. Don’t give up.
As I stood at the crossroads of who I’ve been and who I’m becoming, I sobbed to Jesus —
I don’t know what to do.
As I sat in a broken moment of inner solitude — with the therapist waiting for my tears to stop — a scene from the Easter story emerged in my heart.
The Journey Back
Two friends were walking with their backs bent, their hearts broken, and their hopes for tomorrow dashed to pieces.
Their hope had died on a cross.
And now, they were walking back to where they journeyed so far.
They were returning to life as they knew it.
They had lost all hope life could be different.
They lost hope — that they could change.
They were walking in the opposite direction of where they once found hope.
So much so that they did not recognize who was walking with them.
Two friends from Emmaus spent the whole journey back — by talking about how everything was ruined, wrong and lost.
Somehow a quiet stranger they met on the road patiently listened to the whole story — from start to finish — in all it’s exhausting play-by-play detail.
A Quiet Stranger
The quiet stranger didn’t interrupt.
He didn’t judge.
He didn’t say, “You stupid morons! It’s me! What’s wrong with you?”
No, instead Jesus wanted to hear more.
Jesus asked —
Oh? What happened?
Tell me more…
Jesus was curious. He wanted to hear all about their despair.
Jesus LOVED them.
It’s Me
And in that moment, my heart started bursting and pounding for a different reason.
I heard Jesus tell me through this scene from the Easter story —
That silence you hear as you pour out your heart?
It’s me. I’m listening.
To you.
Walking with you.
Even as your heart is running in the opposite direction of hope — I am with you.
I was so clouded by my anxiety, I couldn’t recognize Jesus’ presence.
Jesus was walking with me the same way He walked with two from Emmaus in Luke 24:13-35 —
And they approached the village where they were going, He acted as though He were going farther.
But they urged Him, saying,
“Stay with us,
for it is getting toward evening, and the day is now nearly over.“So He went in to stay with them.
When He had reclined at the table with them,
He took the bread and breaking it,
He began giving it to them.Then their eyes were opened
and they recognized Him…They said to one another,
‘Were not our hearts burning within us
while He was speaking to us on the road?”
Jesus broke bread with them, right in the midst of their place of retreat.
My Heart Burns
Jesus longs to shows us what He showed to two friends from Emmaus thousands of years ago.
Jesus is showing us He is with us on this journey.
I began to shake and cry tears of joy — because I realized my panic attacks were like a burning heart, coming alive with the truth of my story under God’s care.
It was my pounding heartbeat resting against His strong and loving embrace.
I’ve been stepping out to be me.
You can too.
We can be happy, joy-filled, celebrating the resurrection of the new me Jesus is bring back to life.
In that same moment, we can also carry sorrow, imperfection and insecurity. Even despair.
Because all parts of us are found in His embrace.
We are safe.
Beloved.
Cherished.
The Living Way
Putting off the old. Putting on the new.
You and I can do both.
Because in this journey of faith, both the old and the new are in moving into the light.
It’s the living way. This faith of real flesh and bone. Spirit and soul.
In you and me.
Don’t wait until you’re completely new, in order to spread your wings.
Don’t wait until there is no more sorrow, in order to celebrate the moments you do feel happy.
All the moments you and I live in secret and out in the open is known.
Because you and I are loved.
Completely.
Unconditionally. Irrevocably.
Always. Again and again.
Easter is alive in you. And me.
Truly New
Let’s get up and do what our two friends from Emmaus did.
They headed back to Jerusalem.
Back to hope. Back to new.
To tell everyone what happened on their journey.
And how Jesus walked with them.
How they recognized Him.
This time, they were changed.
This time, they were truly new.
~~~~~
How is Jesus calling you to step out and be new?
How are you journeying between the old and the new?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. We’re kindreds on this journey.
{this post is part of the #SpiritualWhitespace Book Club. get a copy of my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace & join in. Click here to learn more.}
~~~~~
Come Retreat with Me — Awaken Retreat!
If you happen call Northern California home, near the city of Pleasanton, California, or have a friend in the area you can invite, consider coming out to a retreat with me.
On Saturday April 17, 2015, I will be the Keynote Speaker at the Women’s One-Day Retreat “Awaken: Discover God’s Masterpiece…You” at Valley Community Church. It would be wonderful to enjoy a soulful retreat together, to see you and meet your friends!
Beloved Brew Link Up
Whole-hearted Writing. You & Jesus.
Welcome to our Beloved Brews weekly link-up! Pour out a little love with your words every Thursday {publish any day. link-up on Thursdays}. Simply write a blog post from your heart about what God’s sharing with you and then share it here. Don’t have a blog? Share a comment. Visit thebonniegray.com to read the comments & share your voice too.
Optional Writing prompt: {write a blog post from your heart about what God’s sharing with you} or {share your thoughts on “beginning new”. perfect for Easter reflection.}
Please use the Beloved Brews button in your blog post so others can join in with us {use this html code here}. When you link up your post, read & leave an encouraging comment on the post linked up just before yours. Thank you!
16 Comments
bonnie…wow…your words touched my heart so this morning…like our Lord Jesus Himself wrapping His loving arms around me…oh, how my heart burns within me…from your wonderful quote by e e cummings, a favorite of mine from my teenage years…my husband and i even have a quote from him…”one times one”…engraved on the inside of our wedding bands…thank you, thank you, thank you…what a willing vessel of our Lord you are…as someone once said to me, “you make me what to listen longer” ❤️
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Thank you, Bonnie! Yes, going from 20 years of homeschooling to an empty nest and something new – what will it be? Jesus knows! Dealing head-on these days with my husband’s unacknowledged, untreated depression. Good days and hard days. Thanks for this reminder this morning!
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Great, thoughtful post, Bonnie! I can relate, standing at the Crossroads, seeing, asking for the ancient path, and walking in it, finding rest in Christ. You described it so well. I suppose we all sense His Presence at the well, at the crossroads from time to time and it propels us forward. His love gives us the courage we need. Praise the LORD He is Risen! Happy Resurrection SONday to you and yours in Jesus’ Name!☺
Oh how I needed this today. I’ve had anxiety issues and panic attacks for years. The panic attacks have resurfaced lately for no apparent reason and it’s been so frustrating. Thank you for this beautiful reminder that Jesus is always walking with me. I hope you have a wonderful and meaningful Easter weekend!
Thank you for this post. I feel Jesus is calling me out to be new in my thinking and approach to life–I’m going to turn down the opportunity to interview for a job that would be great for ME as solo ME, but not good for me as mom, me as wife, and would add too much stress and complications. I’m sad to turn it down, but I have peace with my decision. The biggest thing I have is fear-panic-about the future–a road where I lose my consulting contract, can’t get other work, blah, blah, blah. The new thing that Jesus is calling me is to a place of trust–that there will be enough, and that my whole person is me-wife-mother-recovering overachiever/stressed person. I need to trust that I don’t need to MAKE this work, that Jesus is calling me to wait, and rest, and trust that I can lean on Him to provide. This old fear-panic-worse case scenario fortune telling is being replaced with unfamiliar peace-light-gratitude.
Oh Bonnie,
I cried reading your beautiful post. I see myself in your words. In the worries and insecurities. In the feeling not enough. In the desperation of needing answered prayer, but being left to wait. I was so blessed to read about the revelation that you had of God’s caring, listening presence in the midst of what feels like silence. His love is so beautiful, isn’t it?! I am so blessed by your words today. Thank you.
Blessings,
Kamea
“I can’t undo real.” Truth. And learning to accept “what is” is an important gift we can give to ourselves. I’m so glad you didn’t give up, Bonnie! You’re really helping the world by being you. Love you.
Thanks again Bonnie! I have hesitated being real with my grown sons about feeling like an obligation to them versus having honesty between us. My old tapes-lack of hope that anything can change-keeps me silent versus sharing with them where I’m at. I needed a reminder Jesus hears my heart, sees my tears and Will be with me as I step out in truth and only in truth is there hope of something different some day.
Your words touched me . I have been in despair and considered ending it all till reading your words today, I am so overwhelmed with life right now. I thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.
Kathleen,
Please, never lose hope. Christ is here, to stay by your side, and walk the road alongside of you.
You are His Beloved and a treasured Sister. Praying with you. Xox
Your words are exactly what I needed today. It’s awesome that I can come as I am to God and He meets me right where I am. He loves me in my messy and He loves me in my beauty. I think God loves all of us so much that He overlooks the messy and He sees us as His beautiful girls. It’s hard for me to remember that God knows me as His Beloved. I don’t see myself loved and instead I see myself broken. Bonnie you are helping me so much!!!
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I’m wandering a bit now. Not really sure where I’m heading. All I know is that when I read your story I find myself crying and nodding in agreement. Every time. Thankful for my counselor, thankful for your story, and thankful that God meets me here…
Thank you for this very moving and encouraging post. Your transparency was a blessing and very needed. This was especially wonderful: “Don’t wait until you’re completely new, in order to spread your wings. Don’t wait until there is no more sorrow, in order to celebrate the moments you do feel happy. All the moments you and I live in secret and out in the open is known. Because you and I are loved.” xoxo Letetia