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I’m Writing About Sexual Abuse Today

By Bonnie Gray • April 22, 2015 • 37 Comments

An author once said to me, “I’d never write what you’re writing about.”

This was her response when I told her I was publishing my memoir-driven book Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest.

spiritualwhitespacebookI was writing about how God had transformed my heart and my schedule to nurture my soul — to find real, deep rest — and rewrite my story.  By uncovering painful memories of my childhood.

“How come?” I asked. My untold stories were about to be inked in black-and-white, held in people’s hands and hearts.  I was so nervous.

“I wouldn’t want my blog to be taken over by people that are … you know… troubled.” she replied.  She was being her honest self and not trying to be mean, but I was blind-sighted.

It made me doubt myself.  This is why I’ve kept quiet my whole life.  Comments like this.  How people would misjudge me.

Excuse me… I thought.  Do you realize, you’re actually talking to one of those people? I’m sitting right in front of you!

And ahem… Do you realize that you are also one of those people?  Because… the truth is everyone is more or less broken in some way?  

I didn’t express any of this to the author. I was too stunned.

The Fight in My Heart

But I left the conversation thinking,

Isn’t this the whole point of why our faith is beautiful?  Because we are completely safe, loved and known by a God who welcomes us — and comforts us — and calls us His?  As is.

This person’s words made me feel scared about putting my story out there.

But, it also injected some fight in my heart.  

How can we believe that Jesus is only glorified in some parts of our stories and not the others?  What happened to all the Scriptures that say when we are weak, God is strong?  And how about all the Scriptures that point to God as comforter and our kind, loving, gentle Shepherd?

I think about all the stories in the Bible and everyone’s story was real — authentic.  No one’s life is left untouched by heartbreak or sorrow.

How can we be God’s voice if we edit out where God is most present?

The Beautiful Truth

I thought about God — how did He decide what to include, given this is His only written book about Himself? Talk about stress and pressure to pick and choose!

But, God didn’t choose to write a book of rules or formulas. God chose to write a book about real people — His favorite stories of those He loved.

These were real people, all journeying through different human experiences.  God did not choose to edit out tragedy, betrayal, and brokenness.  He included it all.

In fact, Jesus himself said we will have trouble!

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

The Bible is beautifully filled with stories of troubled people — loved, treasured and cherished — and irrevocably named by a beautiful God who called them His.

The beautiful truth is this: the parts of me I usually like to hide are the very parts where God is working through me and my story.

Rallying My Heart

I had to revisit this encouragement to rally my heart last week — when I sat down to write an article.  I’ve never written about the topic of sexual abuse, but decided to share my voice on RELEVANT Magazine and today it was published. Click to read the article “Churches Need to Stop Avoiding Talking About Sexual Abuse”.

Screen Shot 2014-06-25 at 10.52.39 PM

I’m sharing it with you today, because

1) I need your encouragement.  I’m still learning to be God’s beloved in Life 2.0. To keep living and speaking in my whole voice.

2) I hope it will encourages you or someone you know and love. Share this post with your friends, mother, father, brother or sister.

relevant-sexua abuse

It was hard to write and put out there, but I passionately believe every part of our journey is soul beautiful with Jesus.

It’s our authentic stories that frees people to see that Jesus real, loving, beautiful and alive. Right now through you and me. As is.

The world longs to know God through real people. Your voice. Your story.

Love the world by letting God love us — through our stories.

~~~~

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37 Comments

  • Reply Judi Estes April 22, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    Bonnie, I have been a silent reader for a while and have learned much about taking more care of myself through it.

    I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for sharing your journey with me. I appreciate your honesty and just wanted to let you know I hear you. You’ve made a difference in how I talk about my experience and that of my daughter’s.

    Thank you.

    Judi

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 22, 2015 at 1:37 pm

      thanks, Judi, for pulling up a chair. to know words here have encouraged you on your journey and your daughter’s! 😉 thank you for such an amazing gift!.. kinship… #youarebeloved

  • Reply Beth April 22, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    Great message today revealing how the church needs to wake up to the trouble brewing behind closed doors… and I don’t mean those where abuse has already taken place but behind those doors where decisions are made to avoid or diminish the abuse from being brought forth for healing. I don’t think there is a deliberate choice to ignore but the discomfort of men in dealing with this issue comes from facing the truth which is… most of the abuse comes from the hands of men. Unfortunately women are once again stepping up to lead the way because men are unsure of how to lead. Hopefully those men who are making strides to heal the abuses will find other men to support them rather than sit quietly by and let the few do the heavy lifting.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 22, 2015 at 1:38 pm

      thanks, Beth. it’s such a human experience, I didn’t realize is so common. we don’t need to be afraid. we are one with Jesus on this journey!

  • Reply Emily April 22, 2015 at 1:26 pm

    Oh yes to all of this! I think that the more we share our stories the more freedom others will have to experience and share theirs! And God will be glorified as we live in light and bring it to others.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 22, 2015 at 1:38 pm

      i’m discovering a freedom i’ve never experienced before. and it’s not the way i imagined it. 😉 thnx, emily!

  • Reply Susan M. April 22, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    Hi, Bonnie. I wonder if you’ve read anything by Agnes Sanford. Several years ago I read her book, “The Healing Gifts of the Spirit”. I have not read any of her other books. I know she was severely hurt when she was young, but I don’t know if it was spiritual, emotional, physical, or some combination. She became a powerful healer.

    I am very glad you are talking about sexual abuse and encouraging others to talk about it.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 22, 2015 at 1:40 pm

      thanks, Susan for sharing this reference for our community here — and for your encouragement.

  • Reply sharon stanley April 22, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    your article is beautifully written bonnie, as is your book. it’s been extremely helpful to me. the phrase ‘…pressure to seem unbroken…’ is a powerful one and is making me think, which is much more than i thought i would do at this point. this was a difficult article to read – and i’m guessing to write as well. your words continue to be encouraging ones. thank you.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 22, 2015 at 1:54 pm

      “pressure to seem unbroken” …yes, i was writing what i was feeling as i wrote. 😉 together we are stepping through the curtain that was torn — and becoming who we were always meant to be with Jesus: beloved. thank you, sharon.

  • Reply Trudy April 22, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Such a much needed post, both here and at Relevant. Thank you, Bonnie. I am one of those “troubled” ones, and I can also testify that it is in the midst of these broken, authentic stories that God shows such grace and beauty. I’m grateful you are daring to step out and open your heart as I know it makes troubled ones feel less alone. A brother, sister, and I all were sexually and spiritually abused by pastors, and my sister and I were also sexually abused by our dad. There is such a lack of support and understanding from so many churches today. Yes, we definitely need to talk more openly about it and seek out those who are traumatized by it. In God’s eyes, our emotional needs are just as important as financial needs, maybe even more so, since they speak our very soul. God bless you, Bonnie, and give you continuing courage to speak out authentically. I know God has used you to help me be more “real.” I thank my God for you! Hugs!

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 22, 2015 at 2:00 pm

      absolutely beautiful His. thank you for sharing such a sacred part of your soul, your story and your journey with Jesus. you are soul beautiful… my heart breaks for the little girl and little boy that you and your sister and brother had to be violated by people who should have been your protector and lavish kindness and all things good into you. now, it’s time for you and Jesus and kindreds to take care of the little children you were and are… to heal and be be loved as you ought to. keep being courageously you. you and your siblings are not forgotten!

  • Reply Kim April 22, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    Bonnie,
    Thank you for listening to God’s guidance, being courageous and sharing the difficult and ugly parts of your story. The Relevant article is very good. Sad and hard statistics, but good because it is true. My sister, niece and I all fall into that category of “troubled”. Theirs was each a single childhood incident. Mine was teenage date rape. (25 years ago)I lived my life in denial and emotionally disconnected. I have recently gone on a year long healing journey. I am just beginning to share my story with a few trusted people. But, maybe God has more in store with my story than I imagine. Your article could be the lead that brings some sort of ministry beginning to my church?
    Thank you.

  • Reply Gay Idle April 22, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    If those of us who have experienced healing from our broken past would step up and share ‘the word of our testimony’, then many many more would come to know the healing and redemptive work of Christ and finally experience true freedom. We had four different testimonies in our service this past Sunday. One was from our Children’s Pastor…she shared her feeling of being unlovable and worthless, her history of sexual abuse, and how her encounter with God healed her and showed her that she was worthy and lovable. Powerful testimony of not just brokeness but healing and hope!
    Bonnie, you just keep sharing your life and God will continue to bless your ministry.
    blessings,
    Gay Idle/CaptiveHeart

  • Reply Veronica April 22, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Hi Bonnie, so true. We are all broken in some way, part of being human. What God is teaching me through your story is to keep trying and not give up. God has surrounded me with an amazing group of online women that teach me everyday through their own stories that being known, accepted, and loved by God is grace. You are pretty amazing, you know that? Xox

  • Reply Wendy April 22, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    Bonnie, your voice is so pure. Our Father Purely Delights In You. Thank you for forging a way. You are a warrior xx

  • Reply Lisa April 22, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    Wow, great article, Bonnie. I thank God for the gentle, pure wisdom He imparts through your sensitive and encouraging writing. I especially liked your commentary on Phil 3:13:

    The Bible does reference “forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,” but Philippians 3:13 isn’t asking us to forget the past. The Apostle Paul was talking about leaving his performance-oriented life, hiding behind outward works of spirituality that was void of an honest, intimate relationship with Jesus.

    It fits nicely in with the theme of your book on Spiritual Whitespace that is such a blessing.

  • Reply Denise April 22, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    Bonnie, you are very Brave to share what so many men and women live in shame because it happened to them. Churches do need to address sexual abuse because it is unfortunately more prevalent than people realize (and so many think it is some bad guy that breaks in your house when it is the neighbor next door, the step-father/father, relative, etc…). I was lucky that this did not happen to me, but mostly because my mom went out of her way to make sure it didn’t happen. Because it happened to her. The church I attend has a very active Celebrate Recovery program. This program is not only transforming the lives of people in the program (with hurts, habits, and hangups) but it has transformed the church to be more authentic and honest. A couple of years ago, one of the lead pastors and his wife gave their testimony, and part of the wife’s testimony was her sexual abuse. Even with this open dialogue, so many are still living in shame. We’re hoping the church will more specifically address sexual abuse by offering some sort of free counseling and/or group sessions for those that have been sexually abused (we’ve requested this a couple years ago). Thanks for being authentic and real. There will be someone that reads your article and decide to finally release the burden of their shame and guilt of their own abuse and begin to find healing.

  • Reply Sharon April 22, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Bonnie, thank you for giving us the rich gift of your courage, honesty and truth. I have sexual abuse in my background as well. I completely agree with your article.
    Your perfectly timed post encouraged me as I read your heart. Recently, a writing project began deeply resonating in my spirit after going through major surgery last year. Surprisingly, the only family member who truly understands, deeply pressured me “not to write”-even if is just about own my story. My response was similar to yours. I allowed her pressure to back me away from furthering my project. I prayed.
    This week I recognized I cannot “quiet” what is resonating deep in my heart. If I am to strengthen my authentic voice and be obedient, sharing this part of my story is non-negotiable. Your post encouraged me! Your words gave me “permission” to be me-wounds, gifts and all.

  • Reply Susan Gruener April 22, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    Thanks Bonnie for tackling the ‘hard things’ in life. We do need to hear the truth. How then are we to be healed from such things, if we don’t talk about them. I’m very reserved in talking about many things, and I do ‘beat around the bush’ as I speak about them. But the truth is we do need to ‘hear’ or ‘read’ the truth about needing God’s help daily, sometimes just to ‘exist’. We do need to hear the truth about sexual abuse, because so many women have been abused. I led a pretty sheltered life, and did not experience any such things as this, and neither have my two daughters. I haved thanked God for that many times over. But as I met ladies in church, and started to co-facilitate a women’s bible study, I was shocked at how many women had been sexually abused either as children or adults. I believe every church needs to have someone on staff or a group to help these women heal and recover. This will be just the beginning for them.
    Bless you!

  • Reply Our Broken Stories… | Tears in a Bottle April 22, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    […] https://www.thebonniegray.com/2015/04/im-writing-about-sexual-abuse-today/ […]

  • Reply Sandra April 22, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    Such a beautifully-written article on the Relevant website. I appreciated the sensitivity with which you wrote. The Scripture you shared about how the early church shared all that was needed- I had never actually thought about that with our personal stories. Thank you for so much food for thought that was deeply touching.

  • Reply Beth Werner Lee April 22, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    Bonnie, dear brave Bonnie! Do you know Rich Mullins’s song “where you are”? I’m taking great comfort in it these days, and a theme is “meet him in the furnace before you meet him in the sky” -I hope you can find it on YouTube.

  • Reply Lorie Niffen April 22, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    I have never shared my experience with my church because they are all so perfect. I think you are very brave for sharing.

    • Reply Lisa Marie April 22, 2015 at 7:17 pm

      Lorie I really hope you know that is not true. If it is find a new church! I have experienced so much healing since I started writing and talking about my ordeals. Please find someone.
      http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/

  • Reply Lori P April 22, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    Thank you for sharing Bonnie. My situation was a little different. I was assaulted by someone that was a friend who had asked me out on a date. I thought I was safe, but it got pretty scary very quickly. I was able to fight him off, but after that i had difficulty trusting men in my life even the ones that had never given me a reason to fear them before. It made me question my judgement about who to allow close to me. I never reported it and most people don’t know what I went through. (it was 29 years ago) Today it is something that I still keep close to my heart.

  • Reply Bekah April 22, 2015 at 6:02 pm

    YES!! Oh Bonnie, what a beautiful post, and what TRUTH you speak. I was nodding so hard while reading this {and simultaneously eating cereal, which was not an easy multi-task}. May God bring beautiful healing and restoration to you and others as you boldly share your heart.

  • Reply Lisa Marie April 22, 2015 at 7:09 pm

    There are 2 things I have come across recently which have been encouraging- https://wisecounsel.wordpress.com/2015/03/26/making-the-church-a-safe-place-for-trauma-victims-wrf-plenary-address/

    http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2015/04/16/change-often-incites-fear-in-ptsd-recovery/#more-2826

    and of course my blog – http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/

  • Reply Lisa Mac April 22, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    Thank you so much for being a voice for those that need it. I do have to say that the most wonderful people I have known have been the people with “troubled” pasts. They have the most compassion and give the most grace. They help you heal. I am proud to be one whose “troubled” life has given me the opportunity to better myself and grow my faith stronger.

  • Reply Barbie April 22, 2015 at 9:57 pm

    Bonnie, thank you continuing to share your story. The day one of our pastors shared her own experience of sexual abuse was the start of my own daughter’s freedom from her betrayer, which happened in childhood and I had no clue. I’ve shared a story of my own sexual abuse, albeit on another blog, but it’s out there. May we continue to have courage to share the hard parts of our story. To God be all glory!

  • Reply Mary April 23, 2015 at 7:02 am

    I shared some of my story with a new friend yesterday. I shared about the trauma of growing up in a home of constant fighting and also not feeling safe with my Dad as he would barge into our rooms early morning as we turned teenagers and my sister and I hiding in the closet to get dressed. Also I was his ‘favorite’, in some ways emotionally replacing my mother and causing a separation between my mother, my siblings and me. But she asked me why I kept laughing during the story. It was nearly 50 years ago. Am I trying to portray it is no longer significant?

  • Reply Char April 23, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable
    I’ve been in church all my life (except for these last couple of years). I am currently pursuing healing from years of sexual abuse as a teen by my pastor. Church is full of more triggers than I can deal with right now, but am trusting God that one day I can go back.
    One thing I found when I was in the church was that people were willing to hear your story, and they cared, but if it seemed to be taking you too long to get through whatever it was you needed to get through, if you weren’t healing “fast enough”, then they moved on.
    This issue needs to be one that is safe to talk about in the church, and people need to understand that there is no timetable for the healing journey.
    Not everyone is gifted to enter into this journey with others, but if they do decide to they need to understand that their job isn’t to fix the person, but to love them, ask them how their doing and then listen to them. Sometimes, just hold them, No matter how long it takes, don’t give up on them.

  • Reply Stephanie McCreight April 23, 2015 at 7:41 am

    Hi Bonnie,
    I just finished Whitespace and want to read it again actually filling out the whitespace suggestions at the end of each chapter. I want to tell you what a great inspiration you are to me. This book has taught me so much, and my whitespace always seems to be amont the chaos. I was born into chaos, lived in chaos my whole child hood and seem to still be in chaos. But the chaos is different somehow, I have chosen to open up my home to my daughters’ friends that have a hard time in their own homes. I talk to these mothers and let them know that ours is a safe home, that their girls are welcome ANY TIME and that we don’t mind having them at all. We have had one girl with us for 2 full years because her parents(in different homes) can’t be bothered to get up in time to send her off to school. So, my whitespace is amongst all this, in the moments where I get to tell all the girls how great they are, how much God loves them and why they count in the world.
    I was trying to figure out what field of clovers, or little quiet area that I could go to for whitespace, but I kept thinking, I am so much more comfortable in a downtown area. I love the busy-ness and the bustle, I love the noise. I can totally and completely lose myself in it and just be one with God at that point. Give me quiet and natural beauty and I just go nuts listening to all the words in my head.
    So, in saying all that, I am going to read your book again, and this time head downtown amongs my “natural” chaos and journalize it that way.
    Thank you, you are a beautiful soul and we love you to bits.

    • Reply Bonnie Gray April 23, 2015 at 10:02 am

      I simply canNOT wait to hear what flows out of your heart in your downtown whitespace with God. The spiritual whitespace where God whispers and you whisper back is INSIDE you — and wherever that His voice and your voice emerges for you BECOMES spiritual whitespace, sweet kindred. So, yes, step into the downtown spiritual whitespace and ENJOY fully, completely that wonderful space that’s just you and Jesus. together comfy and totally lost in eachother… downtown. If you feel comfortable, please do share with us your discoveries as you journey… because it will be a live, soul conversation. And I am SO proud and excited for your courage to love those girls of yours.. and now love the little girl in you — and letting her speak her voice through the pages of your journal.

  • Reply Kamea Hope April 23, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Thank you for this Bonnie! Such a needed message. So many people suffer in silence – the stigma is still so strong. And I think it was so helpful to define abuse for your readers, and the ladies you speak to. It is true that we often minimize what we have experienced, thinking we should just get over it – that it wasn’t that bad when compared to what others have experienced. But these are just lies of the enemy who seeks to keep things hidden in the darkness of shame. As we share our stories, and open expose them to the light and truth of Jesus, healing can begin. It is not an easy process, to be sure, but so very worth the freedom from all the bondage. May God richly bless you for your faithfulness in addressing this difficult topic. Much love, Kamea
    *** I feel like God has been prompting me to open up my blog for people to share their stories of abuse, and of the ways that God is working to bring healing into their lives. I would be honored if you would be willing to contribute. Please let me know 🙂 ***

  • Reply Melody April 26, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    BLESSiNGS on you.
    Melody

  • Reply Melinda April 30, 2015 at 5:33 am

    My dear sister Bonnie,
    I am just now getting around to reading this because I had taken a much needed respite from social media and the blogging community as I began writing my first book. As I tell my story I am urged on by our Lord by those who have paved the way courageously before me. Those such as you. Thank you for having the courage to be real, raw, and honest. It is so refreshing in a church that I see blossoming into becoming beautifully broken and aware. Much love and prayers spoken for you my dear sister.

    <3 and Hugs, Melinda

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