It was very hard for me to write this.
When I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was to make my mom proud. To make her happy. To see that smile on her face I would see in my dreams, to see it always shining like the sun on a summer golden day… that was my biggest dream. Above any other. She was the sun and my heart orbited around her.
But, there comes a time, when God wants to take our dreams and place it tenderly within the loving arms of His heart. To hold us so tenderly that we can finally face the things we did not ever have the strength to face before.
I have been so blessed by the comfort of God — so deeply and irrevocably — I want to share these words of hope and encouragement to you — and to any of your sweet kindreds — this weekend on Mother’s Day.
There is a new sun, a new day arising in our hearts. And no story is ever so broken that it cannot be soar with the beauty and glory of a loving, perfect Heavenly Father who calls us His.
Please share this with a sweet kindred who longs to know she is Beloved. Unconditionally… Love, Bonnie
Mother’s Day is the most celebrated holiday according to Hallmark sales. But for those of us with difficult moms, we feel an added stress: a mother wound.
I was often afraid of my mom. I frequently cried because of the painful words she would sling at me. At night, I would pull up my blankets and stay very quiet, until she’d stop yelling at me. When she finally went to sleep, I’d pull out my flashlight and read. I read until all the words that cut into me would fade, and I’d fall asleep, pouring my heart out to Jesus, asking him to change how things were between us.
As I grew up into an adult and became a mom myself, I struggled to acknowledge that my difficult mom relationship didn’t change. I could never meet her expectations well enough, even though I tried to the best of my ability and the detriment of my sanity, and prayed about it my whole life.
It’s an unspoken taboo to talk about it. But some of us have difficult moms. It’s a reality that we find hard to share, but it’s true.
Especially in our Christian culture, we don’t want others to misjudge us as unloving or unforgiving daughters.
We are afraid people won’t understand that even if we know Jesus loves us, we can feel despairing and unloved, relating with a difficult mom. So, we keep quiet.
But God knows our hurts and he understands the complexities of human relationships, especially when they are broken. It is important to know we are not alone. Many of us struggle with moms who struggle with their brokenness.
There is hope for those of us with difficult moms. As children adopted into a new, spiritual family, with God as our loving Heavenly Father, we can find guidance in our difficult mom relationships. We can also receive the nurture we long for, even if we have a difficult mom.
Here are 7 ways to find healing when you have a toxic mother:
1. You don’t have to be ashamed.
“But now… listen to the Lord who created you… the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine.” Is.43:1
We carry a tremendous amount of shame and guilt and think, if only we did x, y or z, our mothers would no longer be angry, sad or troubled. We can feel lost. But, God created us and loves us intimately. We belong to God. He calls us his, unconditionally.
Our mothers also belong to God. We are not responsible to fix our mother’s faults and brokenness. God is responsible for our mothers, not us.
2. You need to grieve your losses.
“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” Ps.27:10
There comes a time we need to accept to the reality of our difficult mom, and grieve the death of our expectations and dreams for our ideal mom, so we can grow into daughters of a loving Father. With God’s comfort and our friends, we let go of the mom we wish we had, to gain wisdom and courage to relate to the real mom we do have.
As we allow God to re-parent us with what we need, we find faith and courage to trust God to meet our needs through him and other loving people.
3. You can experience freedom with the truth.“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:33
It’s important to God that we trust him with the truth, even if it hurts. We experience an intimate rest with God, when are vulnerable and give him burdens we were never meant to carry.
We can begin to make different choices that are healthy for ourselves, our spouses and children, and break hurtful, old patterns. We stop becoming enablers for our difficult moms, so they can face the truth with God, too…
.. to be continued…
To catch the rest of “7 Ways to Heal from a Toxic Mom”, click here to enjoy a cup of virtual coffee with me at iBelieve and read the rest of the article. Take a virtual coffee break. I’d love your company there.
{photo credit: thanks to Sabrina Hart who shared her beautiful #spiritualwhitespace moment with her daughter and a rainbow on Instagram. Please share your photos using #spiritualwhitesapce. Would love to see yours!}
19 Comments
Thank you Bonnie for writing this post. Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day.
thank you so much, Veronica! it really touches my heart. happy Mother’s Day to you, too kindred!
Thank you, Bonnie, for writing this! I so needed to read it.
sweet debbie, it’s so affirming to know what speaks to me speaks to your heart too… thank you!
Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I’m still struggling with an immature, toxic mother, and I’m 57! In addition, my oldest son died at age 10. My mother blames me for his death, writing me a long, condemning letter. I really just had to give it to Jesus. In my heart and with the help of the Holy Spirit, I have forgiven her. I am so happy that you addressed that we must continue to forgive, AND that it is okay for me to protect my boundaries. I have and continue to pray for my mother, and after ready this post, I know that I am doing what is right. Jesus will deal with her, for he is the only one who can help her. Thank you again, Bonnie for the gift of your beautiful words of encouragement straight from your heart.
hi diane, this sounds very difficult. i’m so sorry for the pain of that letter. i wish you never had to experience the hurt of those wrongful words. may you find comfort knowing Jesus would never want you to ever have this and He doesn’t want you to hold it any longer.. so happy to hear you gave it to Him. it’s a continual giving back, so don’t be discouraged. what you are doing IS right. protect your boundaries and do what Jesus would if He were there in person. He would surely take care and protect you! thank you for sharing. keep being strong and courageous to live for JESUS and not our hurtful mothers! Jesus stands there for us!
Thanks for writing this difficult article… Once again, your experience could have been my own… I actually spent the morning talking to my therapist about the difficulty this holiday brings for me, and in the process, was reminded once again that in God’s mysterious ways, He transcends our lives in such a way that He “parents” us in those deep places our biological parents failed. God is so faithful to redeem us in every way.
Praying for my sister in Christ in a special way this weekend…
dear grace, thank you for sharing and giving the gift of kinship on this journey of faith. it was very hard to write this, but voices like yours assure me that in Christ, we have a specail spiritual family that keeps us whole and real and loved. thank you. praying with each other! may you enjoy moments of beauty and rest! i have plans to be outside in beauty with my boys and hubby! 😉
Thank you for this. I was struggling after Glennon wrote ‘my mom, my hero’ post the other day. I am so so so glad God gave you the strength and courage to write about this.
Morag, I was SO happy to see your sweet note in my inbox… a sweet friend opening up the cafe door.. into my heart. your friendship across the digital space gives me the joy and comfort of kinship.. and it makes my heart brave. thank you.. 🙂 xo happy Mother’s Day! let’s enjoy moments of beauty and rest.. I’ll be outside enjoying the beach and/or mountains with the boys and Eric. you? 🙂
Thank you Bonnie for sharing your story. Yes it is a reality that is sometimes hard to share. I also experienced having a toxic mother. She isn’t in my life but I know who knows and understands it all. Jesus. He carried me through it all. So blessed too as you were saying. Love this article. Appreciate it. Look forward to reading more. Thank you Kindred.
it’s such an intimate and deep confidence when we’re carried in the arms of Jesus. Thank you for sharing your heart and a bit of your story here with us, Kimberly! may this weekend be touched with unexecpted moments of beauty, sweet kindred! we are beloved.. God’s beloved! 🙂
Oh dear sweet Bonnie…may you and the boys and your hubby have a wonderful day tomorrow…being outdoors. God has done amazing things with you. Your family is blessed. We are blessed.
I am so sorry your mom never gave you the unconditional love and support that ALL children deserve. The older I get, the more I realize it’s important for me to be sensitive with these holidays. Not every one will have a Happy Mother’s Day tomorrow.
I pray that somehow or other God will provide healing for you. Complete healing. It may come in a dream. It may come…well…who knows. I just pray your heart will be healed from all the pain from your childhood.
thanks for your kind words, Beth! God has and continues to heal my heart… He is with me every step of the way and I’m grateful for the kindreds who are God’s spiritual family… i’m looking forward to enjoying the beauty of the outdoors with my boys and Hubby and with my Heavenly Father.. with words like yours blessing my heart!
Thank you for your brave in writing this. I grew up with an abusive, addictive to a lot mother and mother’s day comes around and it grieves me that I can’t stand to think of her for it. Thanking God that He placed me with a woman who took me in as hers and a mother in law who blesses my heart daily.
Mother’s Day for me is a holiday that I dread. I, too, grew up with a toxic mother who felt the need to constantly belittle me and make me feel ashamed of who I was. I’m 50 yrs old and I still feel that need to please her. I, also, don’t have children of my own. so when the time comes in church when all Mothers are asked to stand, I bow my head, once more in shame. My faith journey is in its infancy, so I feel so blessed to have found you and this article. Thank you!
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Thank you so much for this article. You explained exactly how it is, and as a growing Christian walking closely with the Lord, and as a single parent, this was an issue for me for so long. That was until I sought out who I was in my Father’s eyes. Mother’s Day is a very hard day for me. And it is still very hard to explain to others who don’t seem to understand. God Bless!
My issue with my mother doesn’t begin to compare to yours, Bonnie, but this sentence resonated with me loud and clear: “With God’s comfort and our friends, we can let go of the mom we wish we had, to gain wisdom and courage to relate to the real mom we do have.” SO true! My mother was always a chatty woman, but for the last 20-25 years of her life she became a non-stop talker. I wanted a mother who was interested in my life and listened with wise understanding to my concerns. That was not to be. Friends filled that role for me. And God gave me patience to listen at great length to Mom. Now she’s in heaven and I’m so very glad I never cut her off and told her I’d had enough!