I stood there.
The door had slammed in front of me.
It didn’t matter what I said or what I did.
What mattered was that she was mad. I would have to plead and beg.
Please, Mommy. I’m sorry.
I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t know how long I’d have to keep standing in the hallway. How long I’d have to keep knocking on the door. To no reply.
After a while, I’d walk back to my room. And cry.
I’d pull out my journal. And start to write. I’d read a book. Or do my homework.
I still remember how the air felt like a live wire. How at any time, her bedroom door would fly open. And the rain of words would start to storm again, like winter rain cascading sideways from the storm clouds, pelting your body, so that even if you wore thick jeans, they’d start to sag under the weight of water soaking through.
I could not rest.
Be Yourself?
Sometimes, I just stood there in the hallway for the longest time, breathing only oh so quietly. Or I’d sit there on the hardwood floor, in front of the gray heater. I can still see the soft indigo blue hue — the flame of the pilot light — flickering, hovering softly between the metal grate of the gas furnace. I’d press my toes against it. It felt so warm.
I stayed there, in limbo, rather than run the risk of appearing unrepentant. Other times, I’d start to clean up around the house. Start to prepare dinner. Do something that would be pleasing.
Be helpful. Be good.
Don’t be selfish.
Don’t be stupid.
And definitely. Don’t think everything is okay.
Be yourself?
I don’t think that thought ever crossed my mind. Until now — now that I can’t ignore my anxiety.
A Sure Sign
My body is keeping me honest — mysteriously leading me on a new journey — my heart’s homecoming.
I’ve finally come to a point in my life where my body is expressing what my heart has always wanted to say.
Listen to yourself.
Listen to your heart.
Speak from your heart.
Be yourself.
I have to learn, like a little child, what this means.
What do I want? What do I like — and what don’t I like?
What makes me feel uncomfortable? What brings me comfort?
What feels restful to me?
These might seem very simple questions to someone else. But, these are big questions for me. And I end up thinking too much about the answers. Because that is what I’ve always had to do.
I over-analyze. And I end up drawing a blank. Or if I get some ideas, it triggers a steady stream of shoulds, feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
Then, I get too tired to think about my answers anymore.
So, I stop being myself.
It’s a sure sign for me now. Whenever I find myself thinking too much, it is a very good indication to me:
I am drawing close to something important to my heart.
Now, I recognize —
over-thinking,
indecision,
numbing my desires or negative feelings,
are actually my defense mechanisms.
To avoid being myself.
Four Movements
I realize I have grown comfortable and accustomed to staying in limbo — rather than venturing out and risking being myself.
How do I change this ingrained stress response?
When I see myself spiraling into over-analyzing, here are the four movements I’m making to break my heart out of “limbo”:
1. I stop apologizing for —
wanting to be happy,
feeling sad or tired,
for putting my heart first.
2. I give myself permission to —
tell my story and share my heart (even if feeling numb is what I’m sharing),
explore what I like or don’t like,
feel awkward, make mistakes and change my mind while doing it.
3. I nurture and honor my body’s messages, rather than resenting it for its honesty.
My body holds so many automatic responses to stress that involve isolation and over-thinking. Or doing the opposite. Producing and pleasing rather than being, going on auto-pilot with soul-draining busyness.
My body is now very sensitive to sounds, scents, and stress. I used to think this was terrible. But, I’m discovering my body is helping me stop, recognize my needs, and then actually do something about it.
It is time to say no to “should”, so I can say yes to letting God love me — through nurturing me.
4. I feed my soul with self-care, rather than rejecting myself as selfish.
These are all new discoveries for me. Maybe not in my head, but to actually live it out in everyday life is scary, because it makes desires real.
When the apostle Paul urges us —
“In view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as a living sacrifice…”
I am reminded the life we offer is alive — organic, growing, real.
Be At Rest
Loving myself.
Feeding my soul.
Nurturing the quiet me.
Refreshing the artistic me.
Cultivating a smaller number of deeper, more authentic friendships.
I’m on a new journey that feels peaceful — even if it triggers anxiety. I understand why.
I’m breaking free. And the little girl who never could break free is afraid of this new way.
The closer we get to what really touches our hearts, we will feel anxious. I’m learning that is okay.
It means we are leaving the hallways of our lives.
God’s quiet, loving voice whispering something new and different —
You are safe.
You don’t have to be in limbo.
Be real.
Be yourself.
Be at rest.
~~~~~
Which of the four movements — stop apologizing, giving yourself permission, nurturing your body, or feeding your soul — most speaks to you?
How is Jesus prompting your heart to be yourself?
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Beloved Brews Link Up
Whole-hearted Writing. You & Jesus.
Welcome to our Beloved Brews weekly link-up! Pour out a little love with your words every Thursday (publish any day. link-up on Thursdays). Simply write a blog post about what God’s sharing with your heart this week and then share it here. Don’t have a blog? Just share a comment. Visit thebonniegray.com to read the comments & share your voice too.
Next week’s 8/20 writing prompt: (how is God encouraging you to be the real you?)
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36 Comments
This is a post that I need to come back and pause in the movements you mentioned a while. I am an over-thinker. I always find myself over apologizing for everything. As a mom I found myself nurturing everyone else and neglecting myself, to the point that I can just shut of and not feel because it is sensory overload.
But God…. He is gently pulling me forward on this journey. One of the areas I have found huge growth is that I don’t over apologize, as much, for things that I just don’t need to apologize for like my opinion or my thoughts if they don’t ‘agree’ with everyone else’s. I am not sure I will ever stop over-thinking everything ( look at my comment…and I almost apologized) ;)… however I do see the way He is leading me to think in line with His Word as I spend my time invested in it.
I am blessed by your words today.
Thank you!
Dawn
i love how you mentioned coming back to pause in the movements..that right there is a lesson.
The Lord is near. What a great motivation to rest in Him.
Trust yourself. It’s a message that comes hard to us at times. But if the Spirit of the living God is actually living inside us, we can trust Him IN us. Beautiful testimony, Bonnie. Thank you, friend.
The movement that speaks most to me today is to “give yourself permission.” Heading outside to work in my flower bed!
i’m so grateful you come here and leave a comment every time, lisa. thank you!
[…] & Bonnie Gray […]
Bonnie, what a lovely piece. I too am learning to be still with my body’s weaknesses and sensitivity to fragrance. Learning—I’m not there yet. But I whole-heartedly want “to say no to “should”, so I can say yes to letting God love me — through nurturing me.” Thank you for sharing this.
FYI, you comment link isn’t connecting.
Debbie, thank you so much for letting me know. it appears to be working fine for me… if you have a moment, please let me know if it is still not connecting on your end. <3
When I click Pull up a chair. Click to comment. It says Houston, we have a problem, 404.
hopefully it should work now. thnx, debbie!
I can over-think stuff so easily. I just have to tell myself to let it go. Forget it, you can’t control it, you did your best, let God do the rest. I have learned to go easy on myself, especially in talking to myself nicely. I don’t talk that way to my friends, why myself? Thanks Bonnie!
“Whenever I find myself thinking too much, it is a very good indication to me:
I am drawing close to something important to my heart.” So true!
The panicky/anxiousness now triggers me to start asking God, “where are you and what are you doing, where do I join you?” instead of retreating.
LIn the first few miles on this journey, it is frightening and hopeful at the same time. You’ve articulated it perfectly. Learning to give myself permission, especially for learning what I like or don’t like, instead of forcing myself to like/dislike what I think I should like or not is hard. It is a bit uncomfortable, but hearing God saying, “Daughter, I love you and made you this way, it’s ok” is precious.
Thank you for putting these words out there and giving others permission to say “me too.”
Thank you for this post, Bonnie. It has so much wisdom in it! I have an incredibly hard time just being myself. Your post is very helpful. Thank you kindly.
Hi Bonnie. I think the movement that speaks to me most is – “I feed my soul with self-care, rather than rejecting myself as selfish.” It’s something I need to learn more. I still so often reject myself as selfish if I do something for me. I’m also trying to get away from the “shoulds.” I’m a work in progress. Thank you for all your enlightening, inspiring posts that help keep me on track to more whitespace.
Bonnie – thank you so much for sharing this. I think of you a lot lately. I’m the one who commented on Facebook and told you how I was anxious about my wedding because of my relationship with my mom, which is very similar to yours with your mother. She was so uninvolved at my wedding and I am still so hurt by it all, but it’s really made me start realizing that I can’t keep trying to have the relationship with her that I so dearly want and she won’t ever love me the way I so dearly long to be loved by my mother.
And I am beginning to grieve that loss. God is with me through it all, but my heart just aches. And the anxiety attacks I thought would cease after the stress of the wedding was over continue. I think about you talking about the panic attacks you began to have as God began your healing and pulled you to tell your story of growing up with your mother and I see where you are now and that gives me so much hope.
This post today really hit the nail on the head for me. I have printed out pieces of it to tape into my journal to remind me that I feel so afraid and so panicked right now because God is pulling me towards becoming who I’ve felt was too much, too big, too loud, too everything for so long: myself. And this person is someone who won’t mold herself to be who she thinks her mother and everyone else wants to her to be. And that scares me even though it’s not like I’ve been all that successful with the twisting and turning and bending over backwards to please others.
And I want off this ride so much. I hate feeling so fragile and feeling like I’m on the brink of another crippling panic attack all the time or like the tiniest bit of stress is going to send me over the edge. But at the same time, I know God is with me. I know this is part of my healing process. I know He is breaking me in order to put me back together stronger and more confident in Him and myself. It’s just so hard right now. It hurts so much. And it’s all happening in what’s “supposed” (there goes the shaming) to be one of the happiest times of my life: being a newlywed. And I am so happy with that part. And so happy to be married to someone who supports me and tells me he loves me and encourages me and makes me laugh. I am finally safe enough to make this journey.
Thank you so much for always being so open and vulnerable and sharing your journey with us. Being where you were gives me hope for where I am going.
Sweetheart ~ Not only do I understand your pain, I’ve lived it as well.
I spent so many years trying to understand “Why ??!!”, until I FINALLY accepted that the Lord did not want me to waste anymore of my time ~ nor His ~ , love unconditionally (as His love for me), forgive and allow Him to heal my gaping wounds.
Not until I released ALL to Him did I finally realize that it had been His all along. Giving the Lord total control over myself and my mother both, allowed Him to finally be able to show each of us what we desperately needed all along.
Unfortunately I wasted far too much of my life in grief. At the end of my mother’s life she looked at me from her hospital bed with tears streaming. I was dumbfounded when she said “I Love You So Much and I Have Hurt You So Badly”.
No, I never received words apologizing or explaining ~ those few words were probably the strongest and most positive she had given me ever. Our awesome God through His amazing grace allowed me to assure her that although our relationship had never been perfected here ~ that it definitely would be in Heaven.
Never Give Up ~ God knows … we may never know in this crazy world, and don’t have to. He desperately needs for us just to Trust Him and be willing to be His salt and light, regardless if we understand or not. He will never cease to amaze you with the results ~ there are so many that He will put in your path for you comfort with His love ~ to share your experience Only Because You Are Able To Relate and Understand.
Your strength and insight are inspiring ~ Continue to seek the Lord’s will and allow Him to carry you ~ He Will Never Cease To Amaze You, I PROMISE !! 🙂
Love and Prayers Your Way,
Sharon (Romans 8:31)
PS ~ Get the book “When Forgiveness Doesn’t Make Sense” by Robert Jeffress. It was truly a huge part of my turning point.
I’m so close to getting help for my son, and it’s triggering lots of anxiety after feeling all the weight of I ‘should’ be able to handle him myself. The whole concept of working with other people is terrible and wonderful simultaneously. Step 1 – sent an email to his new teacher today and got a positive response. I’m still replaying my own words in my head because I was afraid of saying something ‘wrong’. We have an appointment on monday with a psychologist and I’m trying to anticipate everything, again, so I can do it ‘right’. It’s hard to stop and nurture myself and honour what my body is telling me. But I have been making time for gentle exercise and it does help.
I think “giving myself permission” speaks more to me at the moment. For many years I didn’t give myself permission to speak up and I am learning to do so. Like you have said, it is awkward and a process to discover and bravely share my likes and dislikes, but well worth the effort! I can be myself!
[…] And linking with Bonnie Gray at Faith Barista, […]
As I read your blog post, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. “Be yourself”. Who says that? Parents, spouses, friends? Oh no! Be the person “I” want you to be. Need something? Never ask. No one will answer. — I have a long way to go and getting older very fast. I want the few years I have left to be happy in God’s heart.
Thank you. This is beautiful. Praise the LORD.
“Feeding my soul” speaks most to me. Your blog certainly helps do that for me. Thank you, Bonnie. I thank my God for you and other Christian writers.
I recognize every one of your steps – I’ve been there – and learning to let yourself be who you are is like free-falling – just letting go. It takes setting healthy boundaries, too. I’m so glad God has brought me to a place, that my marriage is a place that has allowed me to be me – and, friend, that’s when we soar as we were meant to soar! Beautiful post – so real – it went deep!
Bonnie, this is just beautiful – thank you for sharing your heart with us … as it is such a blessing to me, and to many others. Your words here resonated with me, and I am going to copy part of this into my journal. I so often over-analyze situations, and I love the four points that you shared. So good – thank you:)
Bonnie, thank you for your transparency here. ((hug))
“The closer we get to what really touches our hearts, we will feel anxious. I’m learning that is okay.” ~ I needed to read that phrase today. ((Blessings))
It breaks my heart that you and other children have been and continue to be emotionally abused by self-absorbed parents. I was blessed to have two wonderful, stable, giving Christian parents. Yet the second movement still spoke to my heart. I need to give myself permission to say “no” and not allow false guilt make me feel selfish for doing so. Thank you, Bonnie, for sharing your heart and shining the light of Truth into the recesses of our hearts as well.
Bonnie, I have been so overwhelmed, in a good way, by this post. So many of your posts do this to me. I want to tell you how grateful I am for you sharing your heart and journey, but I do not have the words to tell you how much it means to me to read your words and feel like you pulled the words out of my own head. I am going through a time of discovery with the Lord, that parallels yours in many ways right now. Thank you, so much, for listening to His still small voice and then passing it along to us.
The movement that resonates with me the most is #1. Stop apologizing. It made me realize that I never say, “I’m sorry” for being me, but my actions yell it VERY loudly just about all the time. Thank you for helping me pause and listen to my actions, as well as my thoughts. Although my abusive relationship in the past was with an ex-husband, the similarities are too many to mention. I am going to print this out and work through it in my journal.
Bonnie, I have been so overwhelmed, in a good way, by this post. So many of your posts do this to me. I want to tell you how grateful I am for you sharing your heart and journey, but I do not have the words to tell you how much it means to me to read your words and feel like you pulled the words out of my own head. I am going through a time of discovery with the Lord, that parallels yours in many ways right now. Thank you, so much, for listening to His still small voice and then passing it along to us.
The movement that resonates with me the most is #1. Stop apologizing. It made me realize that I never say, “I’m sorry” for being me, but my actions yell it VERY loudly just about all the time. Thank you for helping me pause and listen to my actions, as well as my thoughts. Although my abusive relationship in the past was with an ex-husband, the similarities are too many to mention. I am going to print this out and work through it in my journal.
I can identify with all to some degree, and especially with overthinking about it all. But the stop apologizing rings the loudest bell at this time in my life. When I am triggered I often respond with words or feelings of being sorry for being too much or in the way. My husband is good to call me out on this. He says, “You are being small, I don’t want you to be small in my life.” And he usually expects me to take back the apology. I am blessed by his care, but poor guy is having to fill in a deep rut in the road. I continue to grow in this area. Thanks for being real with us and challenging us to heal and grow.
Hi Bonnie, “It means we are leaving the hallways of our lives.” The movement that speaks most to me today is to “give myself permission.” To step out in faith and explore my likes and dislikes, and uncover beauty in the mundane. I remember the watercolor painting class video you made with one of your friends a few months ago, and I thought gee, that would be fun, but then didn’t pursue it any further. Last week, my husband brought home some info on a class and above the description was a painting of my favorite flower, a beautiful pink peony. God’s little reminder to me that it was worth pursuing so signed up today and really looking forward to it. Have a blessed week.
Thank you for this beautiful post! I have been paying attention much more in the past few months to these ongoing issues in my life & allowing God to help me. Like you, my body spoke so loudly that I didn’t really have a choice as to whether I would listen. Auto-immune issues-serious chemical sensitivities to fragrances that left me homebound, noise, light, insomnia, etc. God has been so kind to guide me in a better direction trying to work through all these issues, & By His grace, even ‘I’ can see progress in how I view myself!!!! Thank you for sharinh your heart through your posts. I am grateful to you & pray for God to continue to encourage you, & all of us, as we grow toward loving ourselves as He loves us!
Beautifully Encouraging:) Thanks for sharing.
I heard your interview on the “You’ve Got This with Kathy Lipp” podcast. Just came to your website and love this post, Bonnie. Thank you so much for sharing… It’s very helpful to me!
Thanks, Kathy! so wonderful you’re here. I love Kathi Lipp! 🙂
Bonnie, I love how practical this post is. I’ve experienced the struggle of being okay with being myself when I wonder if myself is meeting the needs of those around me. I’ve found so much freedom in resting in God’s sovereignty and truth that He made me uniquely the way I am to be used for His Kingdom. Thanks for a well-thought out post!
hi bobi, it’s beautiful to hear you share so vulnerably how God’s touching your heart and drawing you to be you… at rest. so glad you’re here. welcome!