It’s been hard for me to choose joy.
That’s because choosing joy isn’t really about what I want to do. Choosing joy is about choosing who I really want to be.
And well, the time for me to be the-me-I-feel-God-created-me-to-be — never seemed convenient, possible or easy.
I’ve always been waiting for a chance to be welcomed, to belong — to come to a place or opportunity where I felt “at peace” about all the ideas that I’ve been carrying — about who I could become or the life I could experience if I was no longer:
afraid,
unsure,
— or if some of the family or friendships in my life were
healed,
or unbroken.
I guess I’ve always been waiting to receive some kind of permission to choose joy.
I’ve longed to hear a loving voice who could whisper to me, in the moments I don’t know what to do — “Don’t be afraid. I love you.”
Maybe joy is something a little girl feels when her daddy picks her up and holds her in his lap. And even when she is all grown up, a momma herself with two little boys of her own, maybe joy is something she feels when her daddy walks into her kitchen, sits her down at the counter, gives her a hug, and pours a cup of coffee for her in the morning light.
Maybe joy is found in his voice as he whispers to her, “What’s going on? Tell your daddy all about it.”
I guess I’ve always wished for a father.
Maybe that is what would give me joy this Christmas.
I wish I had a father.
Not In Kansas Anymore
Those where the words I whispered, as I sat in therapy session recently.
I needed to see Dr. P because I didn’t know why I was having such a hard time deciding what to write for my second book.
Isn’t this supposed to be easy?
I already wrote one book. Wasn’t I an author? Wasn’t I a writer?
Why would I feel so stuck? I had a gazillion book ideas after my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace was released last year. I felt like I was Zacharias waiting for Elizabeth to give birth — having been silent for so long as a new life was taking shape in me — I finally was able to speak. And I had so much to say.
This past year, I was so heads down focused on getting the word out about the book — doing interviews, writing articles — I never had a chance to process what life ahead would look like post-panic attacks.
It was as if a hurricane had swept through my heart, picked up my house and blown it into smithereens — and I was like Dorothy dropped off in the middle of Oz — except for me, I wasn’t coming back home to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry.
Except unlike Dorothy who returned to Kansas by clicking her ruby slippers, the little girl in me stood in the middle of what it seems like a wide open prairie, out in the west.
I have never journeyed so far before.
I’m no longer in Kansas.
As I ended the book Finding Spiritual Whitespace — I said this to you, friends, in the Afterword:
“I’m standing at the edge of town. This isn’t a city you can see on a map. But, I have been living in this place for a very long time. This city is called survival. I have been a city builder creating makeshift shelters of safety. But my city has crumbled.
Where do I go now? I ask Jesus.
Look beside you, Jesus answers. Who is holding your hand?
It’s Jesus. He is calling me to journey to a new city not made with hands. It dawns on me, as my heart pulses through my fingertips. I want to go back. To fixing and buliding again.
But Jesus points me ahead. He wants me to rest.
I’m walking into the desert, trusting there will be roadways and rivers. I don’t have to wait until I’m unafraid. I don’t have to be sure and I don’t need to know the way.
I’ve found the little girl lost and I’m not letting go of her. We both have Jesus now.
I am leaving my city of stress. I don’t have to go back.
A new story is coming alive. I’m learning to live it in my every life new. As is.”
Torn Between
Something dawned on me, as I sat down to think about what my next book would be about: Can I really write in my full voice again? All these book ideas were inspired by the little girl who has just begun to find her voice. But, I’m still learning to navigate making new choices as the beloved. God’s beloved.
Maybe writing from this new world I’m learning to make real in my everyday life isn’t good enough yet.
Maybe I’m really all alone, as the little girl lost and found. Even though my family of origin was broken, dysfunctional and harmful, at least it was some sort of family. But, now that God has redefined what is family and what is friend, do I have the courage to write, while still finding my way in the world?
I began to think of books to write as the old Bonnie who survived — who knows how to get things done, who writes about safe things, about what I know in my head, rather than what I am experiencing in my heart — in my story and my journey. As is.
It would be so much easier to write from my head than my heart.
Or so I thought.
I was torn between who I was and who I am becoming.
My Heart Knew
Friends, that’s why I went to see Dr. P.
Because once I tried to write with my old voice, I began experiencing anxiety.
I even considered not writing a second book. Maybe I was only meant to write one book, I reasoned with myself.
But, my heart knew. God was whispering to me —
Choose to be the beloved. My beloved.
Choose joy.
Choose to be mine.
Speak in your full voice.
As I cried talking to Dr. P, I told him I was afraid to put my heart out again.
What if the book I want to write doesn’t get picked up by the publishers? Could I take the disappointment?
Then, what would I do?
As I sat there, I had a flashback.
The Little Girl
Of my kitchen. As a little girl. Walking home in the rain from school alone, my clothes were soaking wet, cold down to the bone. And as I opened the door to the empty house, I walked to the kitchen to get a snack and opened the door to an empty refrigerator. Except for a box of baking soda, a sticky jar of jam and sticks of margarine.
I don’t know what it was about that memory, but I just cried and cried.
Why are you showing me this memory? I silently asked God.
And that’s when God led my mind to another little girl, who laid lying on the bed.
Her hands were lifeless, yet when Jesus quietly came into the room, he had asked everybody to stay outside. He only wanted Peter, John and James to come in with him. And the little girl’s mother and father. He wanted it to be an intimate moment between him and this little girl.
As Jesus reached out to touch her, at the moment his fingertips rested on her hands and he whispered, “Little girl,” her heart began to beat, and as she took a breath and opened her eyes, the little girl saw Jesus, looking at her with love and compassion.
“Give her something to eat.” Jesus whispered, his gaze gently loving her, his voice warm with affection.
And as those words from Mark 5:35-42 & Luke 8:49-56 came into my mind and descended like a dove into my heart, I heard the voice of Jesus saying those words to me.
It Dawned On Me
I imagined the little girl in me in that drab, dreary kitchen being taken by the hand of Jesus and led to a beautiful new kitchen — in a home filled with light and warmth, with floor to ceiling windows facing a big wide meadow. And in that home, everything was beautiful. She was beautiful.
I continued to imagine Jesus sitting me down, bringing me a cookie on a beautiful white plate in one hand, a cup of tea embroidered with painted English roses in the other, warmed my hands around that cup, smoothed my hair, looked into my eyes and whispered to me,
“What’s going on? Tell your daddy all about it.”
And I cried and cried as I told him all about it.
Jesus understood every tear, eventhough I had no words to describe them.
And I realized sitting there in the office with tears falling from my eyes closed, that I was praying.
It began to dawn on me that I understand what it feels like to have a father now.
The tears that were being shed were those of a daughter in the arms of her daddy.
This is the moment my Christmas wish this year came true.
My Christmas tears of joy.
I have a daddy.
Reflect. The Christmas Story
Sometimes, we want to choose joy. But we’re afraid it can’t be ours to stay.
God understands this fear — that’s why he never tires to whisper “Don’t be afraid. I love you.” God sent us Jesus.
Just as God chose to announce news of Jesus to the shepherds in the night sky with a simple announcement — no explanations — God does the same with us.
God whispers to us —
Change.
New beginnings.
Choose to be the beloved.
Choose joy.
His timing is peculiar too.
God hits us with an inspiration, when we’re feeling most inadequate.
Like the shepherds, we encounter God as we’re sitting on the outside, on the fringes of what we think is our best.
Just as we begin daring to believe what we’re hearing or seeing about God and His invitation — Whoosh!
Everything returns back to everyday sameness. The night sky.
Circumstances and people around all circling and in holding patterns, just as they’ve always been.
This is when we must hold onto faith and gather our courage.
Everything around us may not change. But, sweet friends, we are called to be changed.
In an instant, God calls us leave where we are, to go and see.
Let’s say— just as the shepherds did to each other that night: Let us go. And see. Let us choose joy. Today.
“Let us go to Bethlehem and see what the Lord has told us about.” (Luke 2:15 GWT)
We need to say good bye to some old ways and even some familiar expectations.
It’s time to point our steps to move out. It’s time for us to choose joy.
Respond. Share Your Heart
As you enter into Christmas, be attentive for what God has in store for you.
Slow down.
Stop.
Choose joy.
No matter how brief the encounter, hold onto God’s One Word for you this Advent.
He said it. And you heard it.
Dare to discover what the Lord has for you.
Celebrate Christmas born in you — and me.
Choose joy this year.
Pray. Our #OneWordAdvent Prayer Today
Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me to hear your voice.
Touch me once again.
Give me the courage to be your beloved.
Give me courage to choose joy.
I need you now this Christmas.
Be born in me again. Today.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
“This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time,
but now it’s out in the open…
The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you.“
~ Colossians 1:27 (The Message)
~~~~~
How is God calling you to choose joy this year?
Pull up a chair. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Click here to comment.
Last month, I submitted a book proposal for my second book to my agent, to see if a publisher will . Once I chose the book my heart wanted to write in full voice with Jesus, my anxieties dissipated. Pray for my heart during this time of waiting. To choose joy. Just as I am. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. with love, bonnie
Give the gift of rest to a friend for Christmas. Order copy of my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace and receive some free gifts. Click here.
#OneWordAdvent Link Up
Whole-hearted Writing. You & Jesus.
Welcome to our special #OneWordAdvent Blog Link Up!
This week’s 12/17/15 #OneWordAdvent Prompt: joy
Next week’s 12/24/15 #OneWordAdvent Prompt: love
OneWordAdvent is my invitation this month to do a Thursday weekly one word prompt writing challenge for you for Advent: hope, peace, joy, love.
* A special thank you goes to Jamie@writinginthestillness for gifting her beautiful calligraphy just for our #OneWordArt badges. Please visit Jamie’s shop & browse her artistry! Use ‘whitespace15’ for 15% off in Jamie Johnson’s shop until 12/31/15.
Join me. Here are two ways:
1. Link up your reflection on our #OneWordAdvent prompt at the end of Thursday’s blog post. Click the Link Up button below & share the specific url of your post (not just your website). You can also directly share a comment.
– Place the #OneWordAdvent badge in your blog post & link back to thebonniegray.com. It lets me know you’re part of this community. Download the badge by right-clicking your mouse on the image & click “save image”.
– Read the post before yours and comment. Let’s savor the journey together.
2. Share your photos or art using hashtag #OneWordAdvent on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. Capture moments that speak hope, peace, joy, love to you.
May the writing prompt bring you to a quiet place in your soul as you share your voice. Click here for details.
#OneWordAdvent Spotlight
This week, I want to spotlight Krista from 31ForeverMama, who wrote a poem for last week’s peace prompt:
“Perfect peace you’ll find
For body, spirit, and mind
Our Emmanuel
Saviour King of the world
Shining His light for all men
-Krista Sprankle”
Every week, I’ll spotlight a tagged #OneWordAdvent image from Instagram (like the beautiful one to the right) or blogger in our community. * To be considered as a spotlight blogger: please kindly be sure to use the #OneWordAdvent Badge and link back to Faith Barista in your post.
Kindreds, I can’t wait to see your photos & read your words. Thank you for sharing your voice.
photo credit: kelly ishmael @mindingmynest
39 Comments
Thank you for sharing. Joy what a fun word. Its easy to forget the simply things. I’m reminded of the the time God touched me with Joy. At that moment there was no sadness no disappointment. (which at that point was a lot to be sad) All I had was pure JOY I want that back this Christmas season and every season.
that is a moment to cherish always, tammy. may that memory of joy become your prayer this Christmas. and I pray Heavenly Father you will touch and whisper joy to her heart new again.
Bonnie… I really don’t know what to say so this will be brief. This post has touched something deep inside and I am feeling the gentle tug of our loving Father to come to Him and rest as He speaks to my heart about choosing joy. Thank-you for sharing, as you do so beautifully, from your heart.
sweet wendy, may that unspoken desire become a prayer you return to and may that tug speak deeply and quietly, drawing you to return to His whispers for you today.
[…] up with FaithBarista’s #OneWordAdvent community today on the theme of Joy. Thanks be to God that He is our infallible source of joy […]
It has been an amazing Advent season for me. I have enjoyed my time reading God’s word and making ornaments with my 1 year old. But death, fear, and uncertainties seem to haunt me. I need to just choose joy. You are right. It is that easy…I need to choose joy. Thank you for the post.
what a soulful, wonderful Advent you’re experiencing with Him this year. you’ve got a beautiful gift in your hands and in your heart this year. those haunting uncertainties, Kristina are held in His hands, as God draws you safely in His embrace. keep being courageous…
The last two weeks have been rough–sickness–the loss of friends’ mother & wife, our daughter moving out of state, hives from reaction to antibiotics, having an early Christmas on the 13th.
My husband and I will be alone for the first time in 46 years of marriage, for Christmas. Not looking forward to being without family, but as you say, we have the Lord, and he may have some marvelous plan for us to share with those who have no family or those who can’t go home for Christmas (a university is across the street from where I work). So, after reading your blog I am choosing JOY—Jesus, Others, You (or rather, me).
Thanks for helping me choose a better way!
sweet karen, may the Holy Spirit place a gift of an idea… on your heart… that it becomes a desire and God’s invitation to experience something new this year. with just you and your husband. a memory that’s intimate and unique to mark this chapter in your lives. your love for each other will be the flame that ignites a journey together, even as these weeks leading up have been difficult, you are still beloved. very.
Thank you, Bonnie, for the sweet, sweet note. I know the Holy Spirit will have a wonderful plan for our day, especially since I read your blog and chose JOY!
Merry Christmas to you, and many blessings in the new year ahead.
Bonnie, You really have no idea how this has ministered to me. Joy is definitely something I have to choose in my life right now as circumstances do not justify it. Many, many disappointments in things I believed the Lord was doing and in seeking Him through a 40 day fast in the direction I should go, have only encountered silence. He has been persistent in telling me to trust Him and that He is working on my behalf, but it has been so difficult to do during this holiday season. Today I will choose Joy because I know that He who has promised IS faithful.
I pray you will continue to be faithful in your calling to speak the truth that He shows you. It really is making a difference.
Blessings to you and your family!
all that you’ve experienced – the disappointments and silence are real – and i can imagine how deeply you long to experience His comfort today. dear Heavenly Father, assure your beloved De that you are not silent in the silence. may you touch her heart in an unspoken way, through something that speaks to her – a moment of beauty or even in a moment of grief and confusion. you know her intimately. whisper to her heart. hold her close. just as she is. beloved.
I was so touched by your words this morning and I am so very thankful to God that He lead me to your blog. The sentiments you so beautifully expressed and the knowing in your soul that Jesus is your daddy made me joyful for you. Because once it is known deep in your bones, it finds a home deep in your soul. It’s so funny because although we’ve never met, your story feels so very similar to my own. Thankful for you, Kindred and for the joy you bring through your words and your own unique voice. And a honor to pray for your heart in the waiting. Choosing joy with you, Bonnie. Choosing joy for our Daddy. xox
thank you for sharing your heart — and your story. touches me to hear how someone understands this longing for home. and is n this journey with me. thank you for your words of encouragement, chris. they give me comfort and kinship on this day.
Thank you for sharing this morning. It was like you speaking directly to me right here, right now and right where I am. I am so glad God led me to your blog this morning and kept pointing at it to me until I read. I needed those words to open up the areas of my heart that are most painful. I choose JOY. It’s an active decision I must make as God continues to change me. Thank you again.
thank you so much, lisa. you may enjoy meeting with me on this journey in between the pages of my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace — as i would love to share more with you on this journey to choose joy, as you uncover your stories and your heart. keep being courageous…
Bonnie,
I sat on the edge of my chair, reading your account of God showing you that memory from your childhood and then whispering what he wanted to tell you about HIM and his love for you. It was so powerful! And reading your words of reflection on the Christmas story, my heart stood still for a minute. How I’ve seen God’s peculiar timing in my own life, afraid to think that joy could be mine as everything turned back to the sameness you mention, but now could he be doing a new thing? What does he have for me? Could I dare to believe it? Oh, Bonnie I am so blessed to have met you and share this journey with you! These words today are just as beautiful as last week’s! 🙂 xoxo
i feel the same way, valerie. you know, i write first before i can share with others in person, in conversation. so you see, we share a special space here – as we swap words in this quiet place where we share our hearts. And i’m grateful you share yours with me. all that Valerie is longing for Christmas, Lord Jesus, i want to lift up every desire my friend is whispering to you. reassure her. keep prompting her. give her courage. to the beloved. for that is who she is… in your Name I pray. xoxo
Thank you for this tender, sweet reminder of the pain and fear involved in choosing to follow the path He has chosen. It moved me to tears.
Joy can seem to be so very far away when it is actually within our reach… right now. It just needs to be recognized, realized and received.
The Holy Spirit will show us the way if we are willing to follow His lead. The “if” can be a bit painful and scary. But “if” He is calling you, He will guide you into a deeper relationship with Him. He will lead you to His highest calling, which is to be like Him. We… shall… be… like… Him!
What a joyful revelation!
what heart-moving words in this quiet space we share. thank you Mary Kay. may the Holy Spirit continue draw you close into his embrace as God whispers “i love you” in each tear you’ve shed.
You bring words out of those who don’t know how to say or to process their thoughts or feelings. This is a writers gift.
I’m very excited as I am on the journey of coming out of the old and embracing the new. I look forward to how my writing changes and who I can serve.
Thank you for being open and bringing hope to those who are ready to listen.
I plan to keep you in prayer. We need each other and we need to be covered in prayer when we have the call on our lives to shine God’s light to so many who need to hear it.
Sincerely, Marilyn
thank you, marilyn for your words of encouragement. as the Holy Spirit bring me to mind, i treasure your prayers. keep being courageous to write as you experience God guiding you on this journey of new. how exciting!
Thank you for sharing your heart, Bonnie. I am in a similar place and am grateful to hear from someone who understands because they have been there. It’s a blessing to feel I am not alone. I prayed for you today. May our Father continue to bless and heal you in every way. Hugs!
thank you for your prayers and taking time to remember me. i’m so glad we have this quiet space her to share our stories, donna. may God’s whispers draw you closer and deeply to His embrace.#kindreds
This post really tugged at my heart, Bonnie. I couldn’t help the tears in my eyes when I read the scene of how it dawned on you that you do have a Daddy. Thank you for giving me that tender, loving picture of Him as He asks, “What’s going on? Tell your daddy all about it.” I struggle with the sense of God being a kind and loving Daddy, and this really touches something deep within me.
May God give you special strength and guidance as you write your book! I pray your book proposal is accepted! You spoke about what if it gets rejected. I’m afraid I gave up writing a book because of something one editor said instead of remembering the encouragement another editor gave me at a writing conference some years ago. I took the rejection as a sign that God didn’t want me to do it, that writing blog posts is enough, but I’m still all mixed up about it. I’ve done this also with writing articles even though some articles did get published. Will you please pray for me, Bonnie? I long to surrender my whole self and will to what God wants – like Mary did when she said, “Let it be.”
I hope you and your family have a joy-filled Christmas!
Tying to copy the link but am working from my iPhone and having major difficulty with the link button.
Thank you for sharing your heart, looking forward to hearing news that the publisher accepted your next draft!
[…] Bonnie’s OneWordAdvent focus for this week is joy, and that’s what I want to pass on to you: That you can be going through the most awful of circumstances, you can be in the most unhappy place, but you can still have the joy of knowing you’re right with God – of knowing that this Jesus, whose birth we celebrate on Christmas Day, came into the world to bridge the gap between you and a holy God, so that you could know Him personally. That’s something to be joyful about (whether it’s a loud celebratory kind of joy or a quieter, more reflective one), so I wish you a joyful, Christ-filled Christmas. […]
With these other commenters, I also say, thank you for sharing your heart, Bonnie. You are touching ours! And you are so right: “Choosing joy is about choosing who I really want to be.” And who do I want to be? A positive person who sees and appreciates every blessing while disregarding the negative, a person willing to wait on God and rest in his sovereignty, and a person who steps out in faith when the time is right, in spite of butterflies in the stomach!
Thanks, Bonnie. I’m praying along with you in His Joyous Name, Jesus.
Please keep writing, please keep sharing. God is using you to touch others with your truth and honesty. His love is so amazing. It took me years to realize how much He loves me. He loves all of us and wants our companionship, don’t you just love that. I will pray for wisdom as you continue to write and protection, because you are doing a mighty thing my friend. Love and blessings.
Bonnie, this is one of the most beautiful and moving posts I’ve read from you. What LOVE pours out of this. I’m in tears. I’m so thankful for this Love that is holding you as you travel further on your journey of faith. You are such a beautiful encouragement to us all.
I am joyful this Christmas because although I have had a rough time of it this year Jesus has always been by my side encouraging me to go on and reach out to make new friends and grow closer to my family. Almost 4 years ago I survived a suicide attempt and since then I have been able to control my mental illness with a cocktail of medications and I have overcome my alcoholism/addiction by working the steps of AA with a sponsor who lovingly took my hand when I was at my lowest and nurse me back to health. Sobriety hasn’t been easy but I have been able to bury my second husband, my choir director and a couple of friends without getting lost in my grief. I will keep you and your book in my prayers! God bless you and thank you for sharing with us your feelings as you struggle with this period of waiting!
[…] This post has been written for Bonnie Gray’s #OneWordAdvent prompt JOY: […]
Bonnie, there are so many parts of this post that touched me, I don’t know where to begin. I simply want to say, “Thank you.” I often feel like writing is floundering our way through the dark, putting words to the page even when I don’t feel like I have anything to say. Thank you for so eloquently verbalizing what I have trouble putting into words. God is good, all the time.
Bonnie, this post touched me in a deep way – thank you so much for openly sharing your heart and your journey. Again – as you always do this so well! Though the details of my story are quite different from yours, I identify with you deeply when you refer to a relationship you never had with your earthly father. Maybe I have never told you this before? And this is why I, as well, am drawn to a close, intimate connection with my forever Father – and actually, He is the one who draws me to this! He is my true, faithful, loving Father – and I am learning in deeper ways each year of how beautiful this relationship is. So grateful for your post – and praying for you!
Bonnie, I can’t seem to read your words without crying. Something of your experiences unveils the mystery that is tangled within my own heart. So thank you for being a vulnerable voice in the midst of “perfect answers” that seem to guilt us into deeper discouragement. I always feel empowered by your searching for truth.
Right now I am trying to find the courage to move forward; I’m stuck with 2/3 of a book that I’m afraid to finish. Not sure what to write, how to say it, and if I’ve even qualified to do so…but I know the first part was His gift to me, so I’m trying to walk in courageous obedience. Thank you for leading the way when the path feels dark. Blessings.
I so appreciated your vulnerable and heart felt words. Let’s face it, sometimes LIFE IS JUST HARD. I do agree that we can “choose joy” but I’ve also discovered that we can sometimes be so wounded that we are afraid to allow God to give us joy. And HE desperately wants to! So I offer that sometimes a prayer to pray is one where we voice “Father, I want joy and I give you permission to allow me to experience it in whatever way you see fit.” I saw this prayer transform a woman who for 30 years could not have joy at Christmas because of painful memories connected to it. When I encouraged her to give God permission to give her joy….she did and God gave her the best Christmas gift….JOY instead of debilitating sadness. She has had it every Christmas since. Just another thing to think about.
Bonnie, as with several others who have commented above, your post moved me to tears and spoke so directly. I am just on the cusp, after a 14 year battle, of finally, finally, truly making the distinction between endlessly blocking and dissociating from the life-threatening abuse of my earthly father and opening up enough to begin accepting the loving desire of my Heavenly Father. As children we merge with and blame ourselves for our being abused, because we simply cannot blame and reject our parents, because we rely upon them for our survival. This UNmerging work is so deep, only Christ has access there, because ONLY He Was, Before. Bless you sister xx
Bonnie, I sifted through all your latest posts and had to stop and read this one too because I read this:
It’s been hard for me to choose joy.
That’s because choosing joy isn’t really about what I want to do. Choosing joy is about choosing who I really want to be.
And well, the time for me to be the-me-I-feel-God-created-me-to-be — never seemed convenient, possible or easy.
I feel a lot of what you write is what I have experienced or where I currently am, and the pull to read your words is there so strong, to know someone who goes through or has gone through the same things in some ways, is there…cheering you along. It has been hard for me to choose joy because I wanted to blame everything around me, but now I realize my husband and I both had boundary issues (we are currently working on between us and our kids) I realize no one can make joy happen for me. It has been so eye opening to read your blog today, as always God is so timely. I am praying for you as you wait to hear back from your agent. It is all in God’s hands and He will honor your staying true to your convictions!