You know when you’re feeling down – and you wish you had a friend to just listen — care and then, make you laugh, even as you cry?
My friend Kathi Lipp has been that friend for me. Before I became an author and had no idea what it would mean, she invited me to have coffee to give me the skinny on the realities of writing a book.
Later, when I had panic attacks right in the middle of writing Finding Spiritual Whitespace, Kathi was the first friend to invite me to do a podcast to talk about “Finding Rest in a World of Go” and promote my story of healing and finding beauty. (This is a picture of Kathi and me at my book launch party for FSW back in the day!)
Now, I’m SO proud to invite Kathi and friend Cheri Gregory to share coffee with us through today’s guest post — along with a GIVEAWAY of their new book Overwhelmed: Quiet the Chaos & Restore Your Sanity. You’re gonna wanna get this book!
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I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me. The message is loud and clear.
Last night, I mapped out an excellent schedule for this entire day. But now it’s 11:30 AM, and I’ve gotten exactly nothing done. What is wrong with me? I wonder. Why can’t I force myself to Just. Do. It.?
The message comes again, simultaneously familiar and foreign I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me.
I know why I don’t really recognize this voice. No matter how often (or under what circumstances) I’ve thought these words, I’ve never actually said them aloud.
I Didn’t Know How to Say No
I was a compliant child. I did what I was told. Actually, I did far more than just what I was told. I learned to anticipate what others wanted and then tried to do everything before they told me.
In fact, one of my favorite tricks in elementary school was to turn in a piece of homework immediately after the teacher assigned it, having predicted and done it the night before.
Back then, people-pleasing didn’t overwhelm me. It made me feel heroic!
But years of over-eager compliance meant that I did what I was told when:
- neighborhood teens sought a gullible little girl to pose for “Playboy photos.”
- a man my parents trusted wanted to do things that scared me.
- high school boyfriends pushed for more.
These were pivotal moments when I desperately needed, but didn’t know how, to say “no.”
The Little Girl Me is Feeling Safer
When I made up today’s excellent schedule, I forgot that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person— a fact that the Little Girl part of my heart was quick to remind me when she saw how much I’d scheduled in such a short amount of time.
Little Girl Me is showing up more and more frequently. She must feel safer than she used to feel.
And as inconvenient as she can be, I’m glad. Because in safety we unlearn lies. And learn Truth.
Allowing Room for God to Transform Our Wants
When Little Girl Me says, I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me!
I gently tell her: They aren’t here.
Those teenagers and that man and your old boyfriends aren’t here. It’s very brave for you to speak up for yourself. But you can’t right old wrongs through revenge.
Revenge never works. Just like you want what was taken from you back, we all want what we cannot have. But all the vengeance in the world will not give us what we want.
Feeling our sadness and surrendering our pain invites God to transform our wants.
Finding Peace with Silliness and Responsibility
When Little Girl Me tells Responsible Adult Me, I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me! she doesn’t see that she’s hurting us both.
She stays stuck, and I make no progress. She doesn’t get what she can’t have, and I don’t get what I can have: growth, freedom, joy.
I’m slowly convincing Little Girl Me to work with, rather than against, Responsible Adult Me. She is so much happier when she’s dabbling at creative new projects instead of dwelling on painful old wounds.
I am so much healthier when I let her remind me to be silly, to stop and play, to grab a blankie and nap by the fire with a cat. We need each other.
6 Ways to Help the Overwhelmed Pieces of Your Heart Feel Safe
If the Little Girl part of your heart sometimes get overwhelmed, even downright stubborn, here are 6 Ways You Can Help Her Feel Safe:
1) When Responsible Adult You hears the message I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me! (or whatever words Little Girl You uses) be gentle. Treat her with the same compassion you’d treat a scared little girl. (i.e. without the Nike slogan.)
2) Ask Little Girl You who she’s talking to. It’s not you. It’s someone she wanted to say “no” to but couldn’t back then, so she’s taking it out on Responsible Adult You now. Whoever it turns out to be, remind her: They aren’t here.
3) Responsible Adult You needs to hold Little Girl You by the hand and take her to Jesus, whatever that looks like for the two of you: by immersing in scripture, taking a walk, calling a trusted friend, praying through your feelings, art journaling. In His presence, you will both be held and loved and healed.
4) Little Girl You can’t have her way. Her way won’t help, but she doesn’t know that. So, Responsible Adult You has to take the next most faithful step for both of you.
5) Responsible Adult You can’t ignore, belittle, or dismiss Little Girl You. In fact, you’ll find that she makes a delightful companion when you make peace and start working as partners.
6) Responsible Adult You doesn’t have to do this alone. In many cases, you shouldn’t. It’s too much. Often, the most responsible thing you can do is to tell your story to a trusted friend, a mentor, a pastor, a life coach, a counselor. Reach out for support and get good people to walk alongside you for a season.
Outro
Instead of making New Year’s resolutions (that only last for a week), how about creating a Personal manifesto to carry you through the rest of your life? Sign up for great resources about how from Overwhelmed and you’ll receive “How to Write Your Personal Manifesto” as a gift.
Overwhelmed GIVEAWAY!
Authors Kathi and Cheri would like to send a copy of Overwhelmed: Quiet the Chaos & Restore Your Sanity to one of our readers!
To qualify for the drawing, you need to do TWO things:
#1. LEAVE A COMMENT below.
#2. SHARE THIS POST on social media.
That’s it! Once you do both, your name will be entered into the random drawing. Be sure to tell your friends so they can sign up too. The drawing will take place on Monday 1/23/17, so don’t delay! {Contest is limited to US & Canadian readers only.}
About Overwhelmed
Feeling overwhelmed? Wondering if it’s possible to move from “out of my mind” to “in control” when you’ve got too many projects on your plate and too much mess in your relationships?
Kathi and Cheri want to show you five surprising reasons why you become stressed, why social media solutions don’t often work, and how you can finally create a plan that works for you. As you identify your underlying hurts, uncover hope, and embrace practical healing, you’ll understand how to…
- trade the to-do list that controls you for a calendar that allows space in your life
- decide whose feedback to forget and whose input to invite
- replace fear of the future with peace in the present
You can simplify and savor your life—guilt free! Clutter, tasks, and relationships may overwhelm you now, but God can help you overcome with grace.
Bios
Kathi Lipp is a busy conference and retreat speaker and the bestselling author of several books, including Clutter Free, The Husband Project, and The Get Yourself Organized Project. She and her husband, Roger, live in California and are the parents of four young adults.
Cheri Gregory spends her weekdays teaching teens and weekends speaking at women’s retreats. She’s been married to her college sweetheart, Daniel, for more than 28 years. The Gregorys and their young adult kids, Annemarie and Jonathon, live in California.
{Photo by Kelly Ishmael}
42 Comments
Overwhelmed? Oh, yes, that’s me. Why? Because I try to do it all – heroic and dependable, right? Thank you for this encouragement. After all, we are to live free in Christ, not in bondage.
What a helpful article! Thanks so much for sharing, as I’ve needed this to help me learn to let go of the past and stop being ruled by the “little girl” in me! Cannot wait to get my hands on this book!
Yes and highly sensitive!! Shared on twitter 🙂
What a perfect day to read this!! Quite honestly, its been a(nother) day of many tears. After finding out some (more) rather painful family secrets this week, Little Girl Me has been crying out rather loudly. Thank you so much for this blog, and what sounds like a great book! I’m 53, and an old dog that could stand to learn some new tricks. 😉
dear midgie, i’m so sorry to hear that it was such a “earthquake tremor” for the L.G. in you last week with the discovery of these secrets. i hope last weekend and this week, God has been whispering words of comfort and rest on your heart — as you gave yourself permission to shed tears and grieve the news and loss. keep giving yourself and the L.G. in you kindness as the impact and truth of whatever you’ve discovered makes it’s way – and Jesus, may you hold midgie and wrap your arms around her through this time. In Jesus’ name, Amen. — thnx for sharing so vulnerably here. hugs from CA.. !
Beautiful discussion of the Little Girl and what she has to say. Thank you for adding information on how to help her feel safe.
hi kelly, so happy that the words encouraged your heart… sending you hugs from CA!
Would love to win and read this book!!
“Replace fear of the future for peace in the present.” Wise, doable advice! Every time a worry or what-if starts to nag, I want to make trust-statements. TRUST was my focus-word for 2014. Think I’ll revisit those pages, copy some worthy statements on Post-Its, and display them here and there. Uncertainties of the future are not worth my energy or time! God is on my side; God is in control!
hi nancy, how wonderful God’s speaking his one word to you — even through this post… hugs to you from CA..
Thanks Bonnie for your willingness to share your pain and healing to encourage the rest of us. I had a very similar experience growing up as a highly sensitive people pleaser! Interesting that I never saw that piece as a link to my abuse! Wow! Thanks!! God bless you & your ministry.
hi lina, it’s so comforting to know we share similiar experiences — to find those little pieces– and links are beautiful discoveries!! keep listening to those whispers and following those links — you are worth all the love and healing, after what’ve been so brave to walk through already. thnnk you for sharing so vulnerably here with us. i hope you get chance to get my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace — and Kathi’s “Overwhelmed” book — they are two great companions I think you’ll really enjoy!! hugs from CA…
A great post. I’ve leaned alot about My Little Girl in the last years. Yet I still struggle with feeling stressed and overwhelmed. This book sounds very interesting.
hi angela, thanks for sharing about your L.G. as well.I felt the same way – and still have those moments – and I went thorugh my journey of finding the L.G. and learning how to help her when she is stressed and overwhelmed. i hope you get chance to get my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace — and Kathi’s “Overwhelmed” book — they are two great companions I think you’ll really enjoy!!
Oh my ! Did this ever set yhe bells ringing for me……
I think we are so alike, and have .so.many.commonalities.
Thank you for your vulnerability, and willingness to be real and say it how it is……
Certainly hit the target for me, and has givn me much food for thought……
hi linda, it’s so comforting to know we are kindred spirits and share similiar experiences — you are worth all the love and healing, after what you’ve been so brave to walk through already. thnnk you for sharing so vulnerably here with us. i hope you get chance to get my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace — and Kathi’s “Overwhelmed” book — they are two great companions I think you’ll really enjoy!! hugs from CA…
Love Kathi and you! Great post. So good for my soul. I’m overjoyed to read this!
hi carolina! i love how we can all be friends – through the amazing power of words… we are word-sisters, right? 🙂 i hope you’re having a beautiful day — sending you hugs from CA!
You have some great friends Bonnie! 😉
Kathi and Cheri’s new book sounds like a winner…and a book I would love to read!
Thanks Bonnie, Kathi and Cheri!
Thanks, Susan!! I do feel so blessed that God knew the friends to place on my path! hugs to you from ca.. !
Overwhelmed? Me? Of course! Not by a busy schedule, because our family is one of the weirdos who purposely don’t do that. But by my emotions…I have had depression, major anxiety and most of it comes out on my family…especially when I am feeling over whelmed. What a timely blessing this has been. Thanks!
hi cassandra, it’s comforting to know we have kindred spirits – and we are not alone. you are worth all the love and healing, after what’ve you have been so brave to walk through already. thnnk you for sharing so vulnerably here with us. i hope you get chance to get my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace — and Kathi’s “Overwhelmed” book — they are two great companions I think you’ll really enjoy!! hugs from CA…
Feeling the overwhelm right now. Thank you ☺ God’s timing is perfect.
I shared on Pinterest
http://pin.it/pIE0sNE
Thank you for sharing, Donna! hugs to you from CA.. !
Great article and thank you for giving us this opportunity to win.shared on FB
thanks, Noelle for sharing! hugs to you from CA!
Wow Bonnie,
That’s the most profound and helpful post you have written. That really helped me see how the wounded little girl in me reacts to situations and why I struggle with so many things! Thank you so much for that!! I know these points are going to help me immensely in the near future as I have some tough decisions/actions to take but Little Girl Me is terrified! I know Responsible Adult Me has to help her get through this by taking her to Jesus :). You are such a blessing and encouragement to me!! God bless you!!
so happy to know that these words are touching your heart and speak into your journey! God bless you — as you take care of the L.G. in you and reassure and comfort her, as you take her hand to do new things! 🙂 sending you both hugs from CA..
I have often said I want to kill my little girl me (L G.M). I struggle with finding the room inside for both of us. This was a very timeful post for me. I am finally in a place where I am going to stop running for L.G.M and my past and walk through it.
hi karmen, it is SO beautiful that this post can speak to you — and bring you comfort and encourage you to turn back to the L.G.M — she must be longing for you, as you take steps — no matter how small or bold — to take her hand and whisper God’s words of rest to her. I don’t know if this relates ot you, but I found a PTSD – EMDR – therapist to help me walk that L.G.M out and throught it because my past was just too emotionally painful. But, I’m so glad I did – because now, she is with me and we are toether with Jesus. You are brave and beautiful to share this here – and I’m sending you hugs from CA.. !
Ahhh…an excellent perspective to consider when I’m feeling oh-so-I’m at the moment. If I don’t win the giveaway, I’m going to start saving my pennies to buy the book!
hi jill, so wonderful to know that we are connected in your oh-so-I’m at the moment. it’s amazing how through words, we can be kindred spirits! hugs from ca!
Since I also am a people pleaser this post has got me thinking about my little girl and how she affects me now.
hi rachel, yes, it’s so good to be able to share and know this is a common journey for all of us. and we don’t have to feel down about this. we can help the little girl in each of us. thnx for sharing. so treasure it.
Hope. Direction. The roads signs to follow the journey to the next place of healing.
hi terri – what a beautiful sharing you’ve voiced here about your journey in hope. healing. direction. thnk you!
Thank you for this post! I will post on Facebook!
thanks, Amy!
I appreciate your vulnerability in this post. I usually resort to Nike’s exhortation to “Just Do It” and drag my little girl self through tasks she doesn’t want to do, even if she’s kicking and whining. This does not usually end well and can easily breed resentment — toward myself for not saying “no” in the first place, or toward the person I couldn’t say no to. Only recently have I developed some trusted relationships where I can talk through these things with others who are committed to my personal development, like you mention in Step 6 above. It really helps!
hi beth, i’m SO happy that we have each other as kindreds- to know what we feel and experience is not just ours alone. together, we feel more beloved and accepted – and we can take care of the little girl in each of us. saying no is hard. it definitely continually – we need support because we’re doing something that we’ve been “trained” to avoid. 🙂 hugs from ca. thnx for sharing!
Thank you. I will share this link online.
thank you, Lisa!