As we draw close to God, we all experience questions about who God really made us and what we have to offer to the world. Our struggles are a beautiful evidence of our movement towards newness and change, not something to hide! I love God doesn’t leave us alone to figure it all out. He sends us kindreds — and that’s why I’m so happy to welcome my friend Michele Cushatt to join us today with a giveaway!
And I’m so happy to tell you about Michele’s beautiful, new devotional I AM: 60 Days to Knowing Who You Are Because of Who He Is! When I met Michele, an amazing author and inspirational speaker, we immediately felt a special kinship, as I was working on my 40 day devotional Whispers of Rest. We both love God’s Word, love people and sharing God’s gentle voice in an honest way. Without giving away Michele’s story (which you can read in her books), grab a cup of coffee and enjoy! Michele’s a gem!
I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; he will blossom like a lily. Like a cedar of Lebanon he will send down his roots.—Hosea 14:4–5
From my earliest memory, I loved Jesus. Which is why I never dreamed a day would come when I’d walk away from Him.
My falling out of love with my faith wasn’t a flippant decision. It came as a result of prolonged disappointment and pain. After a lifetime of praying for a godly husband and family, I ended up as a twenty-seven-year-old divorced mother of an infant. This wasn’t the disappointment of plans falling through. This was the crashing down of everything I’d once prayed for and dreamed of.
Those who have endured a similar wrecking understand something of my deep confusion. I’d been faithful, followed Jesus my whole life. How could God allow me to end up broken and alone? Hadn’t I given my life to Him? Wasn’t I serving Him in ministry? Didn’t my position as child of God afford me some kind of bubble protecting me from calamity? I couldn’t reconcile the God of my innocent child- hood with the God who seemed silent through the ripping apart of my adulthood.
In the absence of answers, I wanted nothing to do with Him.
I couldn’t trust a God who abandoned me in my moment of greatest need. I couldn’t put my heart in the hands of someone who seemed fickle at best, cruel at worst. If He couldn’t grant me an answer to the one prayer I’d prayed more than any other, He must not love me as much as He claimed.
Thus began a bitter season of despair. I avoided church and avoided those who went to church. I buried my pain behind an impenetrable cement exterior, unwilling to allow myself to be duped into another false hope. Before I closed my Bible for a season that lasted about a year, I remember reading, with clenched fists and angry tears, Paul’s words in Romans: “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” (Rom. 5:3–5).
What?! I wanted to scream. Hope does disappoint! My life was proof of that. Every hope I’d once held had been dashed.
The months that followed my descent into despair were some of the darkest I’d ever experienced. In my bitterness, I bristled like a porcupine, my immature effort to resist relationship and thus keep more pain away. In the process, I discovered a more powerful wound: isolation.
Life without God was equally as painful as life with God. But life without God was absent of relief.
My confusion crescendoed on a dark night while I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, my infant son in the other room. Lonely and afraid, I finally admitted my desperation in the first real prayer I’d prayed in far too long:
God, I don’t understand You! I don’t understand why You’ d allow me to experience so much loss. But I need You more than I need to understand. Please don’t leave me!
This was my turning point, the moment when I packed up my bags and returned to a place of faith, like a prodigal desperate for home. It wasn’t a clean faith, a faith without questions. But it was a real faith, built on the awareness of my need for God even when I couldn’t make sense of Him.
You’d think God would hesitate to receive such a rebellious child back. I’d shaken my fist at Him, ignored the many ways He’d delivered. I’d chosen to focus on the one situation He didn’t fix.
For the love of mercy, rather than shut the door on me, Jesus threw it open wide. He didn’t love me any less as a result of my doubt. Instead, He offered forgiveness and grace and a safe place to heal.
Faith is often messy and riddled with questions. It’s a complicated journey, one further complicated by pain. If you question your faith and struggle to understand this God you can’t fathom, be assured you are not alone. From the beginning, humankind has wrestled with the complexities of a hard life and a loving God. The good news is God already knows your questions. He also knows how your heart longs to believe and trust, even in your doubt.
Rather than walk away from your faith, ask God to build it up, to use your circumstances to deepen your belief. And trust His reassurances that your doubts do not dissuade Him. He receives you still, just as you are, and can help you walk through them.
Like a groom who throws a wedding party without the bride’s help, we arrive in the circle of His affection simply because He loves us and invited us there.
Compassion is His character, kindness His heart.
That’s good news for you and me. Because no matter how far we fall, as long as we turn back to Him, we will be received.
I AM Book Bundle Giveaway
Friends, how has Michele’s words touched your heart?
Click here to share a comment by Tuesday April 4.
And you’ll be entered to win the I Am Book Bundle: beautiful verse cards designed to enjoy each day of the book. The set comes with an easel to display each 5×7 card for a gorgeous daily reminder of who you are.
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Today’s post is come from the pages of Michele’s book—I Am: A 60-day Journey to Knowing Who You Are Because of Who He Is— penned during her long and grueling recovery from a third diagnosis of tongue cancer, during which she was permanently altered physically, emotionally and spiritually. In it, she speaks with raw honesty and hard-earned insight about our current identity epidemic and the reason why our best self-help and self-esteem tools aren’t enough to heal our deepest wounds.
Michele and her husband, Troy, live in the mountains of Colorado with their six children, ages 9 to 24. She enjoys a good novel, a long walk, and a kitchen table filled with people. Learn more about Michele @ michelecushatt.com.
39 Comments
Thank you for writing this blog post and sharing your story with such raw vulnerability and honesty. It opens the door to freedom in such a beautiful way. Thank you and God bless you for this ministry that you share with the world.
Thanks so much for this beautiful offering. A friend of my daughters just experienced a break up of a nine yr relationship last Friday. Her mom died when she was in HS. So my daughter asked me to reach out to her. I did and she responded by saying she has lost who she was these last 8 years. We will travel together to help her rediscover her true self in Jesus. This book sounds about right!
Thanks for this Bonnie and Michelle.
God is indeed good! We need Him even more when going through the hard times in life…of which the Lord says we will absolutely go through!
Bless you both abundantly!
ps. Don’t pick me to win Michelle’s awesome book. I just won a copy on Mary DeMuth’s blog a couple of weeks ago! 😉
Michelle, this brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for being so transparent. This especially captures my heart as it has been true many times in my life – “For the love of mercy, rather than shut the door on me, Jesus threw it open wide. He didn’t love me any less as a result of my doubt. Instead, He offered forgiveness and grace and a safe place to heal.” Thank you for this generous giveaway offer. Blessings to you both, Michelle and Bonnie!
This sounds fascinating!
Yes. A thousand times yes. Thank you for sharing your story.
What a blessing this book will be…I am going to buy it for a friend going through cancer healing…someone who is disillusioned but I am praying God will illuminate her life wiith His love to bring healing to her soul.
When your life gets turned upside down by circumstances out of your control, it is so hard to understand! Blaming God is so much easier at the time, but the healing and relief never come. Michelle, thank you for sharing your story. I saw glimpses of my own story in your writing. I know those feelings and moments too well, and I believe there are a lot of women going through this same thing. While I rest securely in the comfort of my Savior’s arms, there are many woman out there trying desperately to find there way in the world, never turning to God! Whether they have never known God or turned there back on Him, I hope that they find this book to help them find their way to the only One that can truly give us healing, peace, joy and love!
Your honest truth is so real. Raising my son alone has left me with questions and some days I am ready to walk away from it all. That’s where He keeps finding me, stuck in a mess gently pulling me out and loving me through it when I can’t bear my own self. I am Excited to read more.
I remember telling God that I didn’t believe in Him anymore. Too many bad things had happened. Now I’m back.
I love Michele Cushatt! I first heard her story via the “This is Your Life” podcast with Michael Hyatt and I just fell in love with her. Her courageous heart, raw honestly, obvious intelligence, wisdom, and professionalism are so inspiring!
And this post/excerpt from her book here– yes. Thank you for putting these beautiful words down for me to read:
“Life without God was equally as painful as life with God. But life without God was absent of relief.”
Yes. So true. When I lean into God and run to Him in it all- the good, the heartbreaking, and even the dirty and horrific seasons of my life – I find that He carries me.
G.K. Chesterton says it this way: “When belief in God becomes difficult, the tendency is to turn away from Him; but in heaven’s name to what?”
He’s there in the dark places, too. And I would say, in my own experience- He’s ESPECIALLY there. Those dark places aren’t EASY, mind you. But the thought of going through them alone? Unimaginable.
((Thank You, Lord, for always being WITH ME through it all.))
What a great post. I was like you crying, asking Him not to leave me when I know full well the Bible says He won’t. I found myself answering your questions, relying on our own efforts to serve Him and be good doesn’t work, it’s about resting in Him and yes we are in a sort of bubble when we walk in the Spirit, His “kavod ” or glory. It is one of those crowns of loving kindness. I have had to rethink so much. Our plans may be good, His are better.
I think not understanding the why’s and the how comes is a struggle for many of us. It was refreshing to read what Michele wrote. As believers we need to be open and not be afraid to share our really tough times. I’m grateful for writers like Michele and of course Bonnie.
I had heard about this book… but did not know Michele’s story. I went through a somewhat similar experience… I never remember not believing in Jesus and yet through a series of poor choices one day I found myself feeling alone and far from Him and ashamed to go to church or see anyone from my “past life”. I was terrified most of the time and in an abusive relationship. I went from one bad situation to another and became so worn down and lonely that I didn’t know what to do. One day, I realized that the only one who could save me from the steady downward spiral, was Jesus. I poured out my heart to him riding home from work one dark rainy night and He answered me in a big way. I still have a long way to go, to get where I think He wants me to be… but I am finding myself in Him. I would love to read this book and even if I don’t win the book I will put it on my wish list as I think it would be of great help to me in my journey.
Thank you for sharing this today! These words are so beautiful “Like a groom who throws a wedding party without the bride’s help, we arrive in the circle of His affection simply because He loves us and invited us there.” How amazing that the “I AM” loves us so much, and forever is offering His mercy to us. Blessings to both of you!
Struggles are real. We often gloss over them or feel we should be silent about our doubts, anger, and questions. However, that’s a disservice to ourselves and others. I appreciate how openly you share your struggles, Michele. By doing so, you offer witness to the faithfulness of God. And that’s what we’re called to do. “I Am” is a beautifully written book.
When prayers go unanswered and have no one to encourage to keep going at times I have gotten very weary and tired, wanting to give up. This book would be a great encouragement to keep going and pressing on. This is what blessed me And trust His reassurances that your doubts do not dissuade Him. He receives you still, just as you are, and can help you walk through them.
What a raw, honest and beautiful message from Michele’s heart….. that our amazing “I AM” is always there in the midst of heartache, the trials of the moments and those times when He is all we may have….. and is always more abundantly so than we can imagine. Thank you for sharing your testimony through the God-breathed and blessed words in your book.
The depth of honesty and openness is like a balm for those of us who have gone through and are currently going through a season of deep pain. It greatly encourages my heart to read her words of HOPE and renewed faith in Our Father’s goodness. Thank you for introducing me to Michele!!
To know that we have a Father that loves us fiercely is the comfort that will carry us through the dark nights and long winter seasons of life…I AM will always redeem the broken shards of our lives.
Oh, how He loves us…
These words, such a great reminder and beautiful truth we have “He offered forgiveness and grace and a safe place to heal.”
Thank you for sharing such encouraging words. I needed to be reminded of that truth in the season I am in right now.
So raw and real! I love that we can beat His chest in anger and be held!
You gave words to my feelings. And doubts. Thank you. Thank you for showing us God is real and loving. You have been another piece in my puzzle of healing and growth
I would love to know who I am based on who God is rather than on the lies I have believed. During this Lenten season, I have been convicted that I need to die to the false self I have portrayed, and let my true self, who I am in Christ, emerge. Disappointment, fear, deferred hopes, unhealed wounds…in essence, all painful suffering can distort our perspective on who God is and, in turn, fuel our efforts to protect ourselves from further hurt. However, our despair can also be the fertile ground primed for God’s Redeeming Hand in bringing us back to a life that is centered in Him. There is something very freeing about our worth being defined in context of a relationship with Him rather than being measured by own efforts. This book looks like an excellent resource to shed light on who we are and Whose we are.
I also had a similar experience in my own life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. What a faithful and loving Father we have!
These words resonated in my heart:” The good news is God already knows your questions. He also knows how your heart longs to believe and trust, even in your doubt.” Praise God he understands our struggles. With compassion and tenderness he leads us along, even over the obstacles of questions and doubts!
I’d love to read this! Thank you for sharing
“Like a groom who throws a wedding party without the bride’s help, we arrive in the circle of His affection simply because He loves us and invited us there.”
Rest’n in this beautiful and tender truth!
I really needed to read your blog this morning. I have been going through some really painful life experiences over the past three years and haven’t been able to understand why God doesn’t seem to work in any of my situations or heal my pain. I needed to know I am not alone:) Thank-you!
What a beautifully spoken message of raw honesty and faith. Disappointment can be such a struggle, but the Lord never allows us to remain there because He’s always in pursuit of us. Thank you for sharing this! I love your faith filled messages of hope and encouragement Bonnie and Michelle. Thank you for sharing your hearts.
Hose 14:4 healing my waywardness and loving me freely. Hey i want that!
I have been through the disappointment, anger, despair, and disillusionment with God. It takes some time to heal, but God does. It feels good to know others have suffered through pain and loss and come out the other side. Thank you Michele for sharing. Cindy Landy
“Rather than walk away from your faith, ask God to build it up, to use your circumstances to deepen your belief.” This quote caused me to pause. It’s a prayer I need to pray.
I wept as I read your words. They touched a place deep in my heart. It’s good to know I’m not alone and to be reminded of God’s goodness.
It’s scary how much I relate to Michele’s story and her feelings of unworthiness and isolation. I too have known God for as long as I can remember, but when I lost my mother to cancer when I was just 13 and she just 44 – I turned as far from God as I could. I ran hard and fast in the direction of the world. I had the same realization Michele had – that no matter how mad I was at God for what I felt He had let happen, I wasn’t do to great navigating life without Him. I decided to trust Him and allow Him to show me His unfailing Love and Grace. That has been 17 years ago now, and I am confident I would not have made it through the storms of this life without Him. Michele’s words are powerful and emotional, and I love her for her bravery in sharing!
We have a friend who is struggling with his faith through a second marriage in ruins, both to no fault of his own. This speaks directly into the place he finds himself with God. I will be sharing it with him. Thank you !
I can completely relate to this. After being divorced I was wrecked. I had to get raw and honest with God. I turned back to Him. I’m happily remarried and trying to learn new things about Him and myself daily.
i need help … the fault is mine & i don’t know which step(s) to take to return to wherever it is God wants me!!! Please pray for me today???
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading this book.