As the oldest in my family, I’ve always grown up taking care of myself. My mom was a single parent, and my little sister was five years younger than me. I ended up being a second mom to her because that’s what big sisters do, especially as latch-key kids. But because I’d always been the optimistic and cheerful type, it felt good knowing I was helpful and wasn’t a bother or burden to anyone.

Never did I ever dare complain; it would’ve been a luxury to do so. A good day was getting up with a smile, finishing homework, helping out with dinner, and trying not to fight with my sister when we were home alone.

But one thing I didn’t know was missing only became apparent after I grew up and found myself single and thirty.

One night, I was praying, though I don’t really know what I was praying for. I was thanking God for loving me, but the next minute, I felt so very, very lonely. It was a loneliness that didn’t seem to have rhyme or reason because I had friends and loved doing ministry in community.

I know You love me, Jesus, I began, making sure I started on a good note. I’ve tried my best to love others the way You love me, I continued, putting my best foot forward.

But the tears broke through. The frog stuck in my throat gave way to the waterfall of tears lodged deep inside, tight behind my chest, where the courageous, I’m-doing-fine, be-strong self was protecting the part of me that longed for tenderness.

God, is there someone to love me? Someone real that I can touch, who can hold my hand? I whispered, through choking tears. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want someone to hold me, to kiss me. I need someone to love me, Lord Jesus… to be continued on (in)courage where I’m posting today…

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love,